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Denki never thought he would become a different person in four months yet here he was. Four months abroad gave Denki confidence and comfort in being alone he never knew he needed. And then there was Shinsou. Shinsou’s four months in France brought him an uncanny air of confidence and mystery accompanied by piercings, tattoos, and a whole ass Bakugou.
Shinsou and Bakugou were cute in their own way. When Bakugou yelled, Shinsou leveled his head with a snarky comment and kiss to the cheek when he thought no one was looking. Shinsou was great like that, always able to tailor his affection to the curves and crevices of your soul. But while it was endearing when that affection was directed toward Denki it made his blood boil when that care was given to someone else.
“You’re staring,” Mina said, blocking his over-analytic gaze on Shinsou.
“Nah, there’s a difference between looking and staring.”
“And you were staring.” she asserted.
Mina offered Kaminari one of those blunts she always rolled with that thick, fruity paper and he took a deep hit, holding the smoke in his chest for as long as he could manage.
“Should I have gone with them to France?” Kaminari asked, passing the blunt back.
“It’s not wrong to do your own thing, Denki.”
“I mean it kind of is if my own thing ends up fucking up up the best chance I had at a relationship.”
“A little time and booze and we’ll be right back to the good ol’ bakusquad, ‘kay?”
He wasn’t sure he could feel at home when he could see the baku in the bakusquad making out with the guy he all but promised to make his when they returned from their semesters abroad.
Denki was supposedly independent now so, in theory, the whole ‘the guy I’ve been crushing on since middle school decided to drop what we had right before we were supposed to get together’ thing shouldn’t bother him. In theory, of course.
“I just wanna talk to him. But I also really really fucking don’t. What if he just talks about Bakugou the whole time? What if he just ignores the giant wrench he threw in our relationship?”
Mina opened and closed her mouth several times, struggling to find the right words. “I usually don’t say avoidance is the way to go, but I totally think avoidance is the way to go on this one. He made an asshole move so I don’t really trust him to handle your first encounter gracefully. There’s no way in hell we’re not gonna let that ruin your night, though. Keep your eyes on me, babe!”
Kaminari chuckled softly and gave Mina a salute. “Yes ma’am.”
It was hard not to look at Shinsou for the rest of the night. Yes, he did occasionally cave and sneak glances at Shinsou, amendment, Shinsou and Bakugou. But every other glance he’d catch Shinsou looking at him too. Did that mean he wanted to talk? Unless he was a complete and total asshole there was no way he didn’t want to talk at all. But should he let Shinsou talk to him? He was independent now and didn’t need a guy, much less his best friend and crush. Okay… maybe this whole thing was a real tough sell but Kaminari was doing his best to convince himself detachment was possible.
No matter how much all of his friends changed while abroad, the end of the night was at least the same. Bakugou suddenly walked off and took Kirishima’s bed for himself.
“I’m going to bed fuckers. Don’t be obnoxious and loud or I’ll burn this whole house down.”
This was where Denki was expecting change. Shinsou should leave with his boyfriend and he’d lose his usual late-night conversation with Shinsou.
“I’ll join you later,” Shinsou said, punctuating his goodbye with a kiss to Bakugou’s cheek.
He chose to stay.
And the rest followed suit as usual:
Everyone huddled closer on the couches and switched over to the whisper-yells they mastered to keep Bakugou from shouting about the importance of his REM cycle loud enough to wake the entire neighborhood.
Next to peel away for sleep was Kirishima and Mina who had shared a bed since they started dating last year.
Sero admitted defeat and claimed his spot on the couch, head resting right by his permanent drool stain.
And then it was Shinsou and Kaminari. Like it always had been and should be.
“Wanna smoke in the garage?” Denki tried after several moments of silence.
He couldn’t not talk to Shinsou. Not when he was standing right in front of him. He looked more tired than usual but the heavy bags and calm demeanor suited him nonetheless. He still wore all black but the dye was fresh and fit his frame, a far cry from the faded shirts he used to drown in. Changes, changes, and more changes.
“Yeah, sure.”
They sat on the musty couch settled in the corner of the garage. The garage could barely fit one car much less three, so Kirishima, Mina, and Bakugou opted to convert the space into a den perfect for hotboxes.
Shinsou held his hand out for the rolling paper and his favorite sativa.
“I can roll a pretty decent joint now!” Kaminari exclaimed.
Shinsou raised a brow and finished rolling the joint in careful yet swift movements.
“Going abroad apart was well worth it then.”
“I know. I couldn’t tell you much about the classes I took, but I can roll a pretty good joint now that I don’t have you to always do it for me.”
Shinsou held the joint to Kaminari’s lips and lit it for him. Did he change his cologne? His shampoo too?
“To learning how to roll your own joints,” Shinsou said.
Kaminari let the smoke flow out and offers Shinsou his first hit. His fingers brushed against Shinsou’s plush lips as he handlessly took the joint straight into his mouth. He should have let go and allowed Shinsou to support the joint on his own but he didn’t–he couldn’t. Not when it let him be so close.
“To your new relationship,” Kaminari said and shit, he’s not sober enough to prevent the jealousy from seeping into words.
Shinsou’s eyes fell shut as he inhaled, smoke soon billowing out from his nose like a dragon.
“Thanks.”
Kaminari finally pulled his hand back from Shinsou’s lips. He knew it was unconscious how Shinsou chased after Kaminari’s hand.
“So how’d it happen? You kinda went MIA and then came back sucking face with Bakugou. Just surprised, I guess. But wanting to hear all about it.”
While he could lie while drunk he knew it sounded insincere.
“You can spend enough time with just about anyone and come to like them enough,” Shinsou said, peeking an eye open.
“Oh, I’m calling bullshit. You’re telling me you’d fall in love with Mineta given enough time?”
He heard Shinsou’s first laugh for Kaminari and Kaminari alone since he arrived back. He forgot what a rush it was to make his friend happy.
“I never said anything about love.”
“Okay, so the statement is you can fuck just about anyone given enough time?”
“Exactly. Given enough time and desperation I can’t say I wouldn’t get down and dirty with Mineta. It’d be fun to see how he tops.”
And then the conversation stilled and lulled. That was something else that changed. Conversation always came easy to them without an ounce of embarrassment during even the most awkward situations. Kaminari just didn’t know what else to talk about besides Bakugou. He’d utterly consumed his mind. What did he have that Kaminari didn't? What made Shinsou give up on what they had? Did Bakugou make Shinsou laugh in the way he could? Could he make him blush the same? Was he molded to fit perfectly into Shinsou’s hands the way he knew he was from a few drunken nights lounging in his lap with wandering hands?
“What happened to us? It was supposed to be us.” Kaminari cracked.
The words bubbled up at the gates of his lips before it all busted out. It was dumb to think he could conceal his pain from the closest friend he ever had.
Shinsou paused with the joint halfway to his mouth, handing it over to Kaminari instead.
“It’ll always be us. You aren’t just going to disappear from my life.”
“Don’t act dumb you know what I mean.”
“I didn’t think you were serious about us.”
“Why did you ask Bakugou?”
It was a weak deflection, but Kaminari needed it.
“Bakugou is different.”
“You mean better?”
“I mean I don’t love him.”
That Shinsou loved Kaminari went unsaid. It was never much of a secret from the way Shinsou’s eyes lingered for a second too long when he was caught staring or he was always telling Kaminari to tie his shoe before he noticed his laces dragging on the floor himself.
“So why won’t you let yourself love me?” Kaminari rasped.
“Because it hurts too much when you shut me out.”
He didn’t realize he was crying until Shinsou brushed tears from his cheeks. He forgot how warm he was.
Their relationship was always push and pull. They danced and edged around flirtation until Shinsou told Kaminari it wasn’t quite a game to him and Kaminari told him he was still too scared of the pain that comes with commitment.
But Denki changed. He was independent and self secure now, right? He didn’t have to fear rejection because he was okay being by himself now…right?
It was reflexive when he leaned deep into Shinsou’s touch. He knew Shinsou didn’t think anything of it when he pulled Kaminari in close and cupped the back of his head. The lingering ghost of common sense he had screamed at him to stop as he crawled up into Shinsou’s lap where he thought he belonged. It clawed at Kaminari to stop Shinsou from cradling him in close as they’d done so many nights before. But the thoughts were squandered and overpowered by the hurt and desire coursing through his veins and burning at his tongue.
Denki rested his forehead against Shinsou’s. They stayed sharing one another’s breath and space, the joint loosely hanging from Shinsou’s fingers as a forgotten offering.
“It was supposed to be us,” Kaminari choked out.
“It was supposed to be us,” Shinsou parroted back.
And since when were his lips so close and so soft and so tempting?
Shinsou mumbled something incoherent against Kaminari’s lips and the brush of contact was enough to make all of his senses snap back into focus. Shinsou’s skin was hot. Burning by the nape of his neck. They’re breathing as one, the same thick, smoke filled, sinful air. His grip on Kaminari’s hips was tighter than it’d ever been before. So when their lips gently met he knew it was mutual and that it was a choice they both made. Their tongues moved with one another in time with their grinding hips. It was comfortable and primal and soured by a sense of mourning rumbling beneath the surface.
It was supposed to be Kaminari and Shinsou. It was always going to be Kaminari and Shinsou. But as they betrayed one of their closest friends it was clearer than ever that it shouldn’t be them. At least not yet. Not until they grew more. Not until Shinsou stopped sacrificing everything for Denki and not until Denki truly learned what it meant to be alone and not lonely. Their problems were twisted and rooted within one another after growing up together so growing apart was the only answer. But damn did the thought alone twist Kaminari’s heart into painfully tight knots.
Kaminari pushed his body tighter against Shinsou’s as if to force out the thought of what could have been. His hands shifted, one sliding beneath his shirt and the other massaging deep into his side. Was it so wrong for him to crowd out the changes by clinging onto what could have been for just a little while longer?
Once Shinsou’s cock was pressing up against his ass, something cracked. Shinsou was holding Kaminari against him in a vice grip and Kaminari knew it was because he was afraid to let go. He couldn’t help the soft, gasping moan that slipped from his lips that was equal parts pleasure and pain. They’d been close before but never like this. Tonight they decided to cross a line and breach a boundary he knew they never should’ve. It was desperate and frantic as they both struggled to hold onto something they knew wasn’t theirs.
He meant to remove his shirt. To press Shinsou’s heavy hands against his chest and hips and lower between his legs. But he hadn’t been able to forget Bakugou sleeping in the other room, unknowing of the betrayal happening in the garage. He couldn’t ignore what Bakugou could be and do for Shinsou.
It was absolutely pathetic how difficult it was to pull away and just how much his heart cracked when Shinsou chased after him. But the space brought reality throttling back between them.
Shinsou rested his forehead against Kaminari’s shoulder. “I need you, Denki.”
“I know.”
“I can’t have you.”
“I know.”
The silence between them was heavy and rotten.
“Are you gonna tell him?” Kaminari asked.
“He deserves to know.”
“Are you gonna tell him, Shinsou?”
“I dunno.”
And that was that. What was done was done. Limbs detangled and they both stared blankly at the ceiling above them.
“Do you wanna drink enough that we forget tomorrow?” Denki asked.
“You shouldn’t drink when you’re sad,” Shinsou droned.
“I’ll forget I was sad tomorrow anyway.”
“Do you still have vodka in the mini-fridge?”
“Yeah.”
At some point, the joint had fallen to the floor, still burning around a pile of ashes. Kaminari couldn’t help but wince when Shinsou put it out beneath his boot on his way back to the couch.