Work Text:
Transcript: Neil Josten & Andrew Minyard Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions
[Two men are seated in chairs in front of a white background. On the left is Neil Josten, dressed casually in an orange Palmetto State University hoodie and sweatpants. On the right is Andrew Minyard in dark wash jeans, a grey t-shirt, and a vintage leather bomber jacket. Their chairs are angled slightly towards each other so that their knees are almost touching.]
NJ: I’m Neil Josten, starting striker for the San Francisco Kingfishers.
AM: Andrew Minyard, goalie, Boston Merchants.
[Across the bottom of the screen, the stylized WIRED Autocomplete Interview search bar is displayed, accompanied by audio of typing sounds.]
NJ: And this is the Wired Autocorrect Interview.
AM: Autocomplete.
NJ: What?
AM: Autocomplete Interview.
NJ: Yeah. What did I say?
AM: Autocorrect.
NJ: Oh, that’s the phone one. My bad.
AM: Moving on.
[Cut to white screen. Text reads: ‘Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet’.
Off-screen, a set assistant passes Neil a board in the style of the Google search bar, with portions of autocompleted answers hidden beneath strips of pull-away paper.]
AM: You have to show it to the camera.
NJ: I’m getting there! Do I just throw these little peely papers on the ground or…is there like, a trash can somewhere?
[Cut to white screen. Text reads: 'So WIRED asked exy stars Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard some of the internet’s burning questions’.]
NJ: What Neil Josten.
AM: A question I ask myself every day.
NJ: What is…Neil Josten’s age?
AM: A lady never reveals her age. The internet should know better than to ask.
NJ: I am…26 years old, I think?
[Andrew nods.]
AM: Twenty six.
NJ: Cool, next question. What was…Neil Josten’s highest scoring game? Like, professionally, or NCAA?
AM: Either. Both.
NJ: NCAA, it would probably be against JD Campbell in my third year.
AM: Eleven points.
NJ: Sounds about right. I felt kind of bad about that, actually. Their backliners looked like they wanted to cry. Now, in my professional career — well, I’d like to think I haven’t reached that point yet, that I haven’t had the highest scoring game of my career. But up to now, it would probably be…
[Neil looks to Andrew.]
AM: Eight points, last season against St. Paul.
NJ: There you have it, folks.
[Inaudible muttering between Neil and Andrew.]
NJ: Okay. What…did Neil Josten study at PSU? I majored in Spanish, and my minor was in math.
AM: Why Spanish?
NJ: Well, I live in the United States, and more than 10% of the population speaks Spanish. I’ve always been a bit of a polyglot, and I could speak and understand a fair bit of Spanish already. I wanted to study something interesting but not too difficult, because my main focus was always going to be exy.
AM: To absolutely no one’s surprise.
NJ: Ha. Next question. What…happened to Neil Josten?
AM: Ominous.
NJ: What do they mean by that? Like, what made me the way I am?
AM: We don’t have enough time to get through all that.
[Neil flashes the camera a sharp grin.]
NJ: That’s between me and my FBI agent. I’d have to kill you if I told you.
[Weak laughter from the production assistant.]
NJ: But for real, nothing happened. It’s the off-season, I’ve been travelling. Not dead. Don’t worry, good people of the internet.
[Neil sets the board down on the ground beside his chair.]
AM: My turn, then.
[Neil snorts.]
NJ: Don’t sound so excited about it.
AM: I’m waiting with bated breath to see what the people have been asking Google about me.
NJ: Oh, that’s easy. ‘What is Andrew Minyard’s credit card number?’
[Andrew’s expression remains blank.]
AM: Hilarious.
NJ: Speed round — let’s see if I can answer all the questions about you correctly.
AM: Alright. What is my middle name?
NJ: Jezebel.
AM: Sure. What is my favourite food?
NJ: Ooh, what are those kids meal desserts at Cracker Barrel called, with the pudding and the gummy worms?
AM: Dirt cups?
NJ: Yeah, that’s the one.
AM: Wrong, but I do love a good gummy worm. What are my cats named?
NJ: King and Sir.
NJ: [Looks to the camera and whispers] That one’s actually true.
AM: What can I bench press?
NJ: Huh. I actually don’t know this one. I just know that it’s very impressive. Makes all the gym bros stand around and stare at you in awe.
AM: Hm. Double my body weight, give or take 10 pounds.
[Neil whistles and eyes Andrew’s biceps appreciatively.]
NJ: Hot. Gotta get those gains, folks.
AM: Focus, Josten. What was my first job?
NJ: [Slowly] Would that have been…
NJ: Uh, busing tables and washing dishes at Eden’s?
AM: Yes. I wasn’t old enough to serve yet, but it paid well, and I got to work with my brother.
[Andrew tosses the completed board off-screen; a production assistant nearby yelps as it narrowly misses her face.]
AM: Fore.
NJ: My turn again, now? This is kind of fun.
AM: I want to know why you’re getting all the exy-related questions, and I’m just being grilled about my personal life.
NJ: Because you’re so mysterious. The people want to know more about the real Andrew Minyard.
AM: Then the people will be disappointed. My life is not that exciting.
NJ: That, my friend, is yet to be seen. Anyways — Is Neil Josten…nice in real life? Pfft, absolutely not.
AM: Would not want to run into him at Trader Joe’s. Unless it was in the parking lot, with my car.
NJ: Nah, you’re too precious about the Mas. You wouldn’t want to scratch the paint.
[Andrew points a finger at Neil.]
NJ: Ah, this one’s kind of dumb. ‘Does Neil Josten live in San Francisco?’ Well yeah, that’s where my team is, so I kind of have to live there.
Production assistant: Even during the off-season?
NJ: Oh, well that’s different, I guess. I usually go out east to visit friends and family when I’ve got time off. New York, Vermont, South Carolina.
AM: Speaking of which.
[Andrew peels off the tape covering the next question.]
NJ: Is Neil Josten friends with—ugh, Kevin Day?
[Neil wrinkles his nose in faux distaste.]
NJ: Never heard of him. Wait, isn’t he the guy that did that song, uh…help me out here, Andrew.
[The corner of Andrew’s mouth twitches ever so slightly.]
AM: “Rockin’ Robin”.
NJ: Yes! But in all seriousness, yes of course I’m friends with Kevin. We played together at PSU for four years, now we’re both on the US Court team, and next year, we’ll head to the Olympics. We spend a lot of time together on and off the court. He’s one of my closest friends, and I wish we didn’t live so far from each other. But like, I’m also glad we don’t share a room anymore, because he snores like a fucking tractor.
AM: Like peas in a pod, those two. Two exy-obsessed peas.
NJ: Okay, last one here. Is Neil Josten single?
AM: Wouldn’t you like to know?
NJ: I mean…that’s probably why they asked Google. Because they were curious.
AM: I’d call it being nosy.
NJ: Well. Neil Josten is not single.
PA: Oh, really? Who’s the lucky girl?
[Neil's eyebrows disappear beneath his fringe.]
NJ: ...
AM: That was not one of the questions approved by your publicist. Don’t answer it.
NJ: Who says it’s a girl?
PA: Oh shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t think—
NJ: It’s fine. There are some things I’d prefer to keep private, so I won’t be saying anything else about my relationship status.
[Andrew glances briefly at Neil, but looks away before Neil can meet his gaze.]
PA: Of course, no problem. Again, my apologies. Here’s the last set of questions for Andrew, and then we’ll do one about the both of you.
NJ: Great.
AM: Alright, what have we got here? Is Andrew Minyard funny? No.
NJ: Well, he can be. He tends to be more serious than not, but he’s capable of humour and joking around, especially around family and friends.
AM: Is Andrew Minyard…really only five feet tall?
[Neil makes a sort of honking noise — choked-off laughter. Andrew glares straight into the camera, as though his publicist is right on the other side.]
NJ: Hey, you may be the shortest goalie ever to play in the league, but you’re also the goalie with the best save record, and you had more shutouts than anyone else last season.
[Andrew lets out a long sigh.]
AM: I spoke too soon about the exy questions. Is this over yet?
[Neil reaches over and peels off the next piece of tape.]
NJ: Is Andrew Minyard retiring this year? No, definitely not. Who’s searching that?
AM: Only in my dreams.
NJ: Come on, Andrew. You’d miss it if you quit. You won’t admit it, but you would be bored to tears if you had to sit at home all day while everyone else you know is working.
AM: I think you underestimate how much I enjoy sitting at home on my sofa, reading and petting the cats.
[Neil rolls his eyes.]
NJ: [To the camera] He’s not retiring. Don’t believe any rumours you may hear to the contrary.
AM: Last question. Make it a good one.
NJ: Okay. Is Andrew Minyard from the Bay Area?
AM: Yes. I lived in Oakland until I was about 15.
PA: No way! I grew up in Bushrod. Where did you live?
AM: Different areas. I moved around a lot. West Oakland, mainly.
PA: Huh…nice.
AM: Yeah. The face you’re making tells me exactly how nice you think it is.
[Neil’s shoulders shake with silent laughter, until Andrew throws an elbow into Neil’s upper arm.]
NJ: Ow, fuck. I’ll stop.
AM: Next board. Hand it over.
[Andrew rips off the tape covering all of the questions, one after another, revealing them all despite the production assistant’s protests.]
AM: Neil. Go.
NJ: Are Andrew Minyard and Neil Josten friends in real life?
AM: No. Next.
NJ: Are Andrew Minyard and Neil Josten roommates?
AM: Yes, but no. Next.
PA: Uhh…what?
NJ: Andrew Minyard and Neil Josten…fanfiction? What?
AM: a) That’s a phrase, not a question, and b) yes, there is fanfiction about us.
NJ: Oh shit, really? I want to read some.
AM: I can assure you, you do not.
NJ: Can I borrow your phone?
AM: [Phone in hand] Nope, left it at home.
NJ: You’re the worst.
NJ: [To the production assistant off-screen] Can I borrow your phone?
PA: Here, I pulled one up for you to read.
NJ: Sweet, thanks.
AM: Do not read that out loud.
NJ: So, this one is called ‘Thorns’ by user 'mostlymaudlin'. And it’s got an explicit rating. Wonder what that means.
AM: Neil.
NJ: Don’t worry, I’m not reading the whole thing. I’m just gonna scroll until I get to something juicy.
AM: Josten.
NJ: Oh, here we go. “By the time Neil catches up to him, Andrew has shed his T-shirt.”
AM: I will end your life.
NJ: “He unzips Neil’s windbreaker and takes his crutches from him, keeping a steadying hand on Neil’s waist.” Huh, apparently, I’m injured in this one. That’s interesting.
AM: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight. Alone.
NJ: “Neil shrugs out of his jacket, then reaches back to pull his shirt over his head.”
AM: I’m done here.
[Andrew drags himself out of his chair, yanks his lapel microphone off, and walks out of the frame. Neil reaches out and tries to catch Andrew by the sleeve of his jacket, missing by a single inch.]
NJ: No wait, you’re going to miss the part where you push me onto the bed! It’s just getting good, ‘Drew!
[Neil hands the phone back to the production assistant, followed by his and Andrew’s mic packs.]
NJ: Thanks for having us! Sorry if we ruined the end of the video. Just edit this part out, I guess.
[Neil takes off after Andrew, leaving the scene empty but for two chairs, knocked slightly askew by the hasty exit.]
End of transcript.