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Joshua Hong hated his life.
Just one year shy of 30, he should be an executive manager of a tech company, or a software designer with several successful apps launched on the market. He should be happily married, with a mortgage to pay, and maybe even a kid on the way.
Instead, Joshua worked at Best Buy.
Does he even need to explain why he hates his life? Just ask anyone who works in retail. Needless to say, Joshua was not married. He did not in fact have a boyfriend, hadn't for many years, not since... No. He didn't want to think about him.
While his friends from college came home to kids and a significant other, Joshua came home to his plant babies: Elvis Parsely, Morgan Treeman, and Larry (don't ask about the last one, he just wanted to have a plant named Larry).
His bedroom was kind of a mess. The Led Zeppelin posters he had defiantly taped to the walls during his teen rebel phase were curling at the corners. Oh. Did he forget to mention that he lived with his mom? And that he was sleeping in the very same room he'd slept in as a child? Thanks to Mama Hong, all of it had been carefully preserved like a peach jelly, right down to the Teen Titan figurines he’d had since he was ten years old.
Yup. Joshua hated his life.
Somebody flicked a hot Cheeto at his forehead.
"Sorry," Soonyoung said, "I was aiming for Minghao."
"I heard that," Minghao growled from the DVD section.
It was a Friday night, and Best Buy was a ghost town. For the last seven hours, Joshua sat behind the Geek Squad help desk, a circular cream-colored little desk in the middle of the store. Back in its hey day, it had been a central part of the store, bustling with customers in need of help. Now it was a baren isle of misery. Joshua had spent the morning pondering his existence behind that desk. His afternoon hadn't been much better, most of it spent consuming Cheetos and helping a woman remove malware from an iPhone (a sketchy porn site was the cause).
Now, he was back to questioning his life choices... Well, he would've been had it not been for the couple currently perusing the flat screen TVs. Joshua was by no means a judgy person. Ok, that was a lie. He was. He could probably give most gossip show hosts a run for their money. But all jokes aside, Joshua knew this couple. He'd seen their type way too many times. Maybe in the back of his mind, he hoped that one day, they'd prove him wrong. That day had yet to come.
"I want to play the game," one of their kids whined, woefully unattended of course. She yanked at the iPad in her brother's hand, and Joshua could already hear the crack of glass hitting tile in his mind.
Meanwhile, their oblivious parents fawned over a different kind of screen.
"This one looks nice, doesn't it Doug?" The wife said, pointing at a 75 inch flat screen.
Doug scratched at his balding head, bushy eyebrows furrowing. His lips were already pulled into an unsatisfied pout. "4k, eh? Look at this one, Nancy. This says it's got 8k resolution. How are we gonna watch Netflix with crumby resolution like that, eh Nancy? Do the math. Is 4 greater than 8?"
He spoke that last part slowly like his wife was an idiot. Ugh.
"Oh, Doug, you're so funny," she tittered, pawing at his chest while Doug cocked his shoulders back. "I don't know what I was thinking. Of course you're right, sweetie."
"Eh, of course I am." He said gruffly.
8k isn't any better than 4k, dumbass, Joshua thought. The extra resolution is so negligible, it's undetectable to the naked eye. You're really just paying extra for the same 4k quality.
Crack!
That was the sound of an iPad slamming the floor. One of the kids bawled.
"I'll get that," Minghao said wearily. It seemed he too had been anxiously watching the couple from afar.
"I'm not paying for that!" Doug said in a blustering voice.
Thank goodness Joshua wasn't in sales. Another Cheeto bounced off his forehead. He didn't even react.
"Sheesh, you really must be depressed today," Soonyoung said, leaning against the desk. He was currently wrist deep in a flaming hot Cheetos bag.
Soonyoung was this kid on the sales team who worked part time. The only reason he was on the team was because he was the manager’s nephew and also, the boy was quickly realizing that college textbooks weren’t cheap. Though Joshua hadn't known him for long, he'd say Soonyoung was the type of guy who took Feminist Theory every semester.
"What's the matter, Joshie?" Soonyoung said. “Are you sad again?”
"I hate my life," Joshua grumbled.
As if to mock his existence, Christmas music poured out of the store speakers. Management had the idea to get all festive this year, which meant blasting Christmas music 24/7 on the dozens of speakers they had out on display. After the fourth time of hearing Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer, Joshua started replacing the lyrics with Soonyoung Got Ran Over by a Reindeer. It helped some.
"Ugh, I feel you man," Soonyoung said around an obnoxious mouthful of Cheetos. "I hate my life too."
It would have been a nice moment had not a half-eaten, wet piece of Cheeto flown out of his mouth right onto Joshua's shirt. The worst part was that Joshua just kept it there. Huh. He’s really given up on the whole caring thing, hasn’t he?
"How can you say you hate your life when you're so young?" Joshua said, gesturing at all of Soonyoung. "You're in college. You've got your whole life ahead of you. As soon as you graduate, you'll leave this hell hole and get a real job. You're not going to be here ten years later wondering what happened to your life."
"That sucks dude. Hey, do you think I should ask Bo-young out?"
The young man's eyes drifted lazily below eye level as he watched her restock the speakers. Typical.
You see, Boyoung was the only female employee at the store around Soonyoung's age. She was a fine employee as far as Joshua was concerned, just had a habit of wearing short skirts. It had taken many conversations as her assistant manager to get her to at least wear black leggings underneath.
Soonyoung's eyes we're definitely far too low for Joshua's liking. He had a sudden urge to smack the boy upside the head for Bo-young's sake.
"Hey, since she works on your team, could you ask if she has a boyfriend?" Soonyoung said, turning back to Joshua. "Please?"
"Absolutely not. Do you realize how creepy that would sound? Just be normal and ask her out yourself."
"But what if she says no? I can't handle that kind of rejection.” Soonyoung pouted his lips and bat his eyes. Jeez, he had no right looking like a puppy. "Please? I don't want her to know I have a crush unless she's single. Will you help me, Joshie? Please? Please?"
When that didn't work, the boy changed tactics at blinding speed. "I'll buy you sour patch from the vending machine," he said in a sing song voice.
You really had to hit rock bottom if you were this easily bribed. Unfortunately, Joshua had.
"Fine."
"Hell yeah!" Soonyoung punched a fist into the air and knocked over a rack of keychains nearby. When they scattered onto the floor, he looked back at Joshua. “Oops."
Keep it together, Joshua. Keep it together. It doesn’t matter that you spent a whole hour arranging them by color and theme. He took in a breath, then forced a smile.
"Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to clean up this mess you just made and you're going to get me those sour patch kids. Sound good?"
"You got it captain," Soonyoung said. He gave him a sarcastic salute and headed for the break room, skipping cheerfully.
Joshua shook his head but smiled. As annoying as Soonyoung was, it was nice to see someone who hadn't given up like he had. Someone who was young and still had hope. Wow. How depressing. Maybe he should see a therapist or something. Eh, he knows he won't.
Sighing, he went to work picking up the keychains from the floor.
"Excuse me?" A voice said. "Could you help me please? I think my computer has a virus."
"Yeah, just a second," Joshua said. He scooped a handful of the keychains then straightened up. "What kind of computer do you-"
His lungs collapsed.
The man standing in front of him was from a memory, another lifetime if you really wanted to be dramatic. His hair was much longer since he'd last seen it, more grown out with golden strands curling beneath the jaw like worshippers aching to touch the face of a god. His cheekbones, though not nearly as prominent as they were ten years ago, stuck out like white cliffs. Dark brown eyes stared into his own, wide with shock. Joshua's eyes trailed lower.
His jaw dropped
That was one swollen stomach.
"Oh my gosh," Joshua mumbled, taking a step back.
Yoon Jeonghan was pregnant.
Joshua wished he handled the situation like a pro. The truth? He shut down. He felt like another person was talking through him, had robbed him of his lips and tongue. It was his voice, but at the same time, it wasn't. Not really. This voice sounded numb, more detached.
"Would you mind putting in your password?" Joshua said mechanically.
"Oh. Oh yeah, hang on a second." Jeonghan tapped at the keys.
Though the help desk separated the two, he couldn't help but wish for more space between them. After spending a decade apart, having Jeonghan stand just a few feet away made his head feel light and dizzy, sort of like his brain was entering the stratosphere.
Then there was the whole pregnancy thing which Joshua refused to acknowledge. He just couldn't in that moment. So he pretended he was helping a customer. Yeah. He was at Best Buy and he was helping a completely random, not pregnant customer...
"Promise not to laugh?" Jeonghan said. He had the computer screen turned away so Joshua couldn't see.
"Huh?"
"Well, my computer screen is frozen," Jeonghan explained. "And it's kind of embarrassing what it froze on."
"If it makes you feel any better, I had a woman come in earlier because a porn website was causing malware," Joshua said.
Jeonghan put his hands up. "Hey, no judgment here. A gal has needs."
"Jeonghan, it was furry porn."
"Oh. Well that's different... Good for her."
Call him crazy, but Joshua actually laughed. And not even the quiet kind. He laughed so hard that he doubled over, wiping tears from his eyes and even attracting the attention of Doug and his wife who were arguing with Minghao.
"Uh, what's so funny?" Jeonghan said.
"I think I'm going crazy. It's just, when I dreamed about this moment, I never-" He gulped for air. "I-I never imagined we’d be talking about porn."
He burst into a fresh fit of giggles. He doesn't even know why he's laughing. He doesn't think it has anything to do with porn.
"Dreamed?" Jeonghan said. He forgot how perceptive the other could be.
Joshua stopped laughing at once. "Let me look at your computer."
"Promise you won't judge, ok?"
Well, it was definitely a virus. Jeonghan was on a site called 869flicks.com. He had obviously tried watching a movie, illegally of course. If the shoddy web design wasn't a dead giveaway, then the fact that the whole website was crawling with pop up ads most certainly was a hint.
What movie had Jeonghan been watching? That was easily answered by the wet and very glistening Ryan Gosling on screen.
"The Notebook?" Joshua said, surprised.
Jeonghan hid his face in his hands. "I know, it was a moment of weakness. I'm so ashamed!"
Huh, Jeonghan was still into those cheesy romance flicks. Why was that kind of endearing? He tried moving the mouse. Like he expected, this had no effect whatsoever. The screen was still very much frozen on the beautiful, rain-soaked Ryan Gosling.
"Is my computer going to be ok?" Jeonghan said, wringing his hands nervously. "Will she make it? Will she pull through?"
Joshua cracked a smile - you'd think Jeonghan was talking about a person, not some piece of technology.
"I don't know… this virus looks pretty nasty," Joshua murmured. "I might have to wipe the drive clean."
Jeonghan actually turned white. "W-what?"
"Don't worry. That would be our worst case scenario. It won’t happen. Probably."
"Oh, good. Very good."
It was a little unnerving having someone watch him intently as he worked. But this was his job, wasn't it? It's just that most people he helped weren't Jeonghan. They weren't complicated, weren’t bound in history and memories that made Joshua feel lightheaded, and they usually weren't so pregnant. He almost clicked the wrong key. He needed to focus. Focus, Hong!
"There," Joshua said at last. He clicked the space bar.
"It wasn’t over. It still isn't over," the beautiful Ryan Gosling said, rain pouring dramatically down his face. And he pulled Rachel McAdams into a fierce kiss.
Jeonghan clapped in delight. "You fixed it!"
"Well, it is sort of my job," Joshua said. He winced. Could he sound any lamer? "No more going on suspicious sites, ok? And do the world a favor, no more Gosling, please."
Jeonghan nodded. He smiled, placing a gentle hand on his belly. Joshua couldn't help but stare at the tender gesture. He also couldn't help but notice Jeonghan's left finger which was missing a ring.
"It's shocking, right?" Jeonghan said, noticing Joshua's eyes. "Seeing me like this." He held his large belly and Joshua turned red.
"So, uh, when are you due?" he asked.
"That's the question you want to ask? Even after all these years, you're still a gentleman. Come on, we both know what’s really on your mind."
He's right. Joshua wants to know who the father is. Who this mystery man is, the one who had gotten close enough to Jeonghan that they now had a child on the way. And where was this man now?
"You're right," Joshua said. "I do have a question. What are you doing in Los Angeles?"
Jeonghan studied him shrewdly like he hadn't expected that. It was like he had wanted Joshua to turn left at a bend in the road but then Joshua had done a handstand instead while reciting Old McDonald Had a Farm. A tiny part of him felt proud for confusing the crap out of Jeonghan, the other part felt like he was a pinned butterfly under a microscope, slowly being examined and picked apart to pieces.
Jeonghan eyed him carefully for one more second, a very intense second, and then he broke into an easy grin. He spread his hands. "I moved back, of course. Or did you forget that my sister lives here too?"
It was an innocuous jab, teasing at best, but it stung. Jeonghan couldn’t have known, but Joshua had spent the last ten years trying to forget him, unsuccessfully of course. Try as he might, Jeonghan lingered in the back of his mind like a ghost made of rose-tinted memories and bittersweet regret.
All of a sudden, a ringing sound caused Joshua to jump. Jeonghan’s phone buzzed.
“Do you mind?” Jeonghan said. Joshua nodded and Jeonghan answered the phone, turning away. He paused for a bit and then said, “Yeah, I’m just about done.” He paused some more. “Ok, ok, I’ll be home soon. God, you worry too much.” More pause. “I will. Love you.”
Jeonghan put away the phone. He gave Joshua another one of those calculating looks, only this time, Joshua thought he spotted a hint of amusement. He wondered who Jeonghan had been on the phone with. Was it the person he was with now? The father of the baby? Whoever it was, they were close enough to elicit a 'Love you' from Jeonghan.
"It was nice seeing you, Hong," Jeonghan said, grabbing his things. He wore a Mona Lisa smile. "Hope we see each other again."
And before Joshua could respond, he left. As he watched Jeonghan’s retreating back, a loud voice next to him said, "Was that a pregnant guy?"
Joshua jumped. "Jeez, you almost gave me a heart attack." Soonyoung was suddenly back from the vending machine.
The boy tossed the pack of sour patch onto his desk. "Who was that? You two seemed to be chatting up a storm."
"My ex-boyfriend," Joshua said miserably.
"What!"
And not even caring what the boy thought, Joshua tore open the sour patch bag and knocked back as many as he could.
The second time Jeonghan came to the store, it was a few weeks later. He came in sweatpants and an oversized sweatshirt, his hair pulled back in a messy ponytail while a few loose strands framed his face. Jeonghan was still pregnant. Like very pregnant.
The second he saw Joshua, his face lit up. As he walked over to him, sympathy ran through Joshua. The poor guy seemed to be waddling more than walking.
"So, we meet again," Jeonghan said.
"It would seem that way," Joshua said like it wasn't obvious enough. An awkward silence passed, where neither of them knew quite what to say. Joshua quickly fished around his brain for something. "Don't tell me your computer's been hacked now."
Jeonghan laughed easily, swatting a hand. "Nothing like that," he assured him. "But I do need your help, if you're not too busy."
They both glanced around. The store was a ghost town.
"I might have room in the schedule," Joshua said dryly.
That earned a small chuckle from Jeonghan. It wasn't a bad sound. Much better than listening to Minghao's long suffering sighs, or Soonyoung's terrible X-rated versions of Christmas songs.
"What do you need?" Joshua asked.
"I need help finding a baby monitor.”
That weird feeling in his chest threatened to take over again. Instead, he shoved it down and forced a smile.
"Right this way."
Aisle 9 had all of their baby products. Most people wouldn't think of Best Buy as a place to buy baby equipment, but the selection was pretty impressive. And no, he wasn't being sarcastic. Their shelves had just about everything. They passed the non-contact baby thermometers, then the infant seats that gently rocked on their own, finally making it to the baby monitors.
Jeonghan winced a little as he rubbed his lower back.
"Are you sure you should be on your feet?" Joshua said. "Shouldn't you be resting or something?"
Again, Jeonghan swatted a hand at him. "It's fine. Really, I'm ok." Joshua must have looked doubtful because he added, "The doctor said to exercise daily. Plus, back pain isn’t anything new for me."
It's no wonder, Joshua thought to himself. It looked like Jeonghan was about to give birth to a small elephant.
"So… which one should I get?" Jeonghan asked.
Joshua snapped his head up. Right. Technology. Joshua's expertise.
Hm. A lot of the ones on display were pricey. Some even boasted of features that monitored the baby's heart rate and oxygen levels, sending updates directly to the phone. He doubted Jeonghan was looking for something that sophisticated. Joshua picked up one of the monitors on a low shelf instead, one that was tucked away in a corner. He read the specs. He picked up another one, looked back at the ones on the display and made a decision.
"This one," Joshua said.
Jeonghan frowned. "That one?"
"Yes."
It was much smaller than the one on display and had fewer buttons too.
"Why not one of these?” Jeonghan said, picking up the one in front of him. "This one's got a heart monitor built into it. And check this out, Hong, it plays lullabies too."
"Trust me," Joshua said. "They add a bunch of crap to distract you from the important things. The camera on this one will offer you much clearer picture and sound quality. See how it's got a 720p camera? And it uses a rechargeable battery with 2900 Milliamp hours."
He must have used too many numbers because Jeonghan's eyes glazed over.
"It's got a good camera and a long battery life," Joshua said. "And it doesn't cost a fortune like the others."
"Oh. See, this is why I wanted your help," Jeonghan said. "I literally didn't understand a thing you said before that. I knew I could count on your big nerd brain!"
"I'm not a nerd," Joshua grumbled.
"Hm, don't you work in the Geek Squad?"
Ok, Jeonghan got him there.
"See," Jeonghan said, breaking into a grin and wagging a finger at him. "You're a nerd, admit it! You always were taking things apart in your dorm and making tiny explosions."
"That was one time, Jeonghan! The RA was able to get the power back on after.”
"What about the time you set Wonwoo on fire because you were tinkering with his gaming computer?"
Oh dear, he completely forgot about that. It had taken a full year for his roommate’s eyebrows to grow back.
Jeonghan giggled. Joshua couldn't help but chuckle too. For a split second, it felt like old times, just the two of them laughing like a pair of idiots.
"You're a really smart guy," Jeonghan said, sobering up a little. "It's a shame what happened."
And just like that, Joshua plummeted back to reality. Jeonghan could have slapped him, and it would’ve hurt less. This was his life, and it was all because of one stupid mistake he'd made when he was 22 years old.
Joshua suddenly cleared his throat. "The cameras for this monitor also have a 330-degree corner to corner visual with a wide lens for landscape view."
He rattled off a few more useless facts while Jeonghan looked at him with those sad eyes. They looked just like his mother's eyes the day Joshua got expelled.
"I'll take it," Jeonghan said.
"Great, let me get you a camera. This is just the monitor piece." He scooped up a camera and handed it to Jeonghan.
"Could you grab another?" Jeonghan said.
"Another?"
He nodded. "Got to have one for the other baby."
"The what now?"
Jeonghan laughed, patting his belly. "I'm having twins."
That broke Joshua officially. His eyes must have bugged out so much, he probably looked like those toys you squeeze, the ones where the eyes pop out like an inch out of the sockets.
"Did you think I was going to give birth to a donkey or something?" Jeonghan said.
"A small elephant maybe," Joshua replied before he could stop himself. Oh crap, that was kind of rude. "I'm sorry," he said quickly.
Jeonghan blinked once. Twice. Then he threw back his head and laughed. "I think you've gotten funnier, Hong."
Good thing Jeonghan still had a sense of humor.
They made their way to the cash registers where Joshua rang him up. Jeonghan spent the next few minutes staring at the rack of junk food conveniently placed by the checkout. Maybe it was the pregnancy cravings because he gave in at the last second, tossing a bag of gummy worms onto the counter. Why was that kind of adorable?
"Thank you," he said when he finished paying. "I couldn't have done this without you."
Joshua felt his ears turn warm at the praise.
"Yeah, don't mention it," he said, handing Jeonghan the bag.
The other opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, then closed it. Wait for it in three… two….one… Suddenly, Jeonghan blurted, "Do you want to come to my family's barbecue?"
Joshua felt a rush of emotions hit him: confusion mainly, apprehension next, and then this weird third thing he couldn’t quite name but whatever it was, it made it feel like there were frogs hopping around inside his stomach. Why after everything they'd been through would Jeonghan be interested in seeing him again? He would think after all the hurt he caused him, he wouldn't want anything to do with him.
"Only if you're not busy of course," Jeonghan said quickly. Joshua must have been silent for too long. "I was hoping you could help set up the cameras. You know, since you’re good with technology. And I would pay you too, so-"
"Jeonghan."
"Yeah?" Jeonghan looked anxious.
"I would love to help," Joshua said. "And don't even think about paying me. I'll do it for free."
Jeonghan's eyes widened. "What? No way. I won't let you."
"Too late."
Jeonghan protested, but eventually gave up when he saw the look on his face. "Ok then… I'll text you the details. It's about two weeks from now. Is that ok?"
"That's fine," Joshua said. He was sure he could get Bo-young to cover for him. "Let's exchange numbers." He started digging out his phone from his pocket.
"Is your number still the one that ends in 0038?" Jeonghan asked.
Joshua froze. No way. No freaking way Jeonghan remembered the number he had from eight years ago. No freaking…way.
"Um, yes?" Joshua said.
"Then I've still got it in my phone," Jeonghan replied.
And just like that, Jeonghan left with his baby monitors and Joshua Hong was left feeling so many confusing emotions.
Joshua started panicking when he saw how many cars were parked outside the house.
"That's a shit ton of people," Soonyoung said.
"Yeah, I can see that," Joshua growled.
Why did he bring Soonyoung along? Only because Joshua Hong was too much of a coward to face Jeonghan and his family alone. But to be fair, he invited Minghao first. Unfortunately, the young man had plans to visit his mother today.
It was a typical suburban house, painted an ugly beige color like the house next to it, and the house next to that, and the house next to… well you get the picture. He never imagined Jeonghan as the type to settle down in a suburb. Ambitious, spontaneous, wild - that had been the Jeonghan he knew back then. That person would've preferred the thrills of a large city, a life of adventure, not a quiet sleepy neighborhood with a family to care for.
And yet Jeonghan continued to defy expectations, hitting all the milestones there were to settling down: House in the suburbs? Check. Baby on the way? Check. Maybe it was time Joshua accept the fact that he didn't know Jeonghan anymore.
Uncertainly, he stood at the door, one large pineapple in his arm and next to him, his coworker Soonyoung who reeked of cheap cologne. Thanks to the unseasonably warm weather, the afternoon felt balmy, temperatures almost creeping to the eighties despite it being the dead of winter.
"Hey, do you think Jeonghan has any hot sisters?" Soonyoung said. He ran a hand through his bleach fried hair, using his other to unbutton the top three buttons to his shirt. Some of the cologne wafted Joshua’s way, causing his eyes to burn.
This was a bad idea. A very bad idea. He felt stupid all of a sudden, standing there in his sandals and white trousers. Since when did he wear pink shirts with palm tree prints or bring pineapples as housewarming gifts? Oh dear lord, he had truly lost his mind, that was it.
He had half a mind to turn around when a woman's voice said, "Excuse me?"
A short, squat woman in her fifties was struggling up the driveway with brightly colored foldable chairs. They were almost as tall as herself.
"Are you two here for the party?" She said.
"Um, yes?" Joshua said.
The woman smiled brightly. "You can just go through the back gate. It should be unlocked." At that second, one of the chairs fell out of her arms with a clatter. "Gosh darn it."
She bent her legs in an awkward squat, trying to pick it up while balancing the other chairs in her arm. Joshua and Soonyoung glanced at each other.
"Here, let me," Joshua said, taking the rest of the chairs out of the woman's arms.
It was quite the balancing act trying to hold the chairs and the pineapple at the same time, but he managed. Soonyoung picked up the remaining chair that had fallen.
"Thank you, dears," she said, mopping the sweat off her forehead with a handkerchief. "My name's Jin-yi. Aunt Jin-yi. I don't think we've met."
"I'm Joshua and this is Soonyoung," Joshua said. "We're…"
What? Friends of Jeonghan? Soonyoung wasn't exactly a friend. He'd only seen Jeonghan once when Joshua had been fixing his computer. And what about Joshua? What was he to Yoon Jeonghan? A crumby ex-boyfriend who showed up out of the blue after eight years of silence?
Fortunately, the woman saved him from answering. "Oh my! I forgot the crab cakes in the car. Would you be a dear and take those chairs with you to the back?"
"Sure ma'am," he said. Ma'am felt like the right word to use. Soonyoung snorted.
"Aren’t you a gentleman?" she said, and with her thick bejeweled fingers, she pinched Joshua on the cheek. He was pretty sure she left a red mark since it still stung long after she left.
"Not one word," Joshua grumbled.
"Aren’t you a gentleman?" Soonyoung said, imitating Jin-yi’s voice.
The whole backyard was overflowing with people. It was obvious now why there was a need for more chairs. This wasn't your average family barbecue. It was a whole damn family reunion. Thanks for the heads up, Jeonghan.
"Uh, is this a baby shower?" Soonyoung asked.
"What?"
The boy pointed at a large banner hanging between two trees. In pink letters, it read, Congratulations! with a couple of baby pacifiers decorating the canvas.
Joshua closed his eyes. “Why the hell didn’t he tell me?”
Great. Not only did Jeonghan fail to mention his entire extended family would be there, but also the damn barbecue was his baby shower. He was going to have some serious words with Jeonghan when he found him.
If he could even find him.
Joshua had to squeeze his way past a man in a loud Hawaiian shirt (he shuddered when the man's beer belly poked his side), then past two chatty women, their faces red (and wine glasses very empty), stopping just in time for three little boys to run past his feet while they screamed in delight.
"Over here," an athletic young man with tattoos said, waving them over. You know those people who just ooze coolness? That was this guy. The man had gorgeous curly hair and a breezy smile that belonged to the ocean. He looked like one of the leads to a K-drama, maybe one about surfing.
Joshua and Soonyoung met him on a spot of unoccupied grass. They set the chairs beneath a tree.
"Thanks guys," the tattooed man said. "We were running out of space inside."
"What?" Joshua said. "You mean there's more people inside ?"
The man laughed good naturedly, revealing a pearly set of teeth. "I know. It's hard to believe how many of us there are. But you'd be crazy to pass on food like this."
The man pointed to the grill where a guy in a red bandana was jamming to some tunes while flipping something with a pair of yellow tongs.
It was like Joshua's senses finally caught up with him, particularly his olfactory ones. He inhaled the smell of sizzling meat, sweet and fatty and oh crap his mouth was watering. The man chuckled. Joshua must have been drooling.
"I know. Uncle Jin's kalbi is to die for," the man said. "I'm Jaewon by the way."
Joshua introduced himself and Soonyoung.
"What's up," Soonyoung said, flashing a peace sign. Joshua barely refrained an eye roll.
"I’m looking for Jeonghan," Joshua said. "Do you know where he is?"
"He's probably somewhere inside," Jaewon said as he unfolded a chair. "His dad finally got him to sit down. You know, take things easy. But if anyone knows my cousin, he's never been too good at listening."
"Cousin? You're Jeonghan's cousin?"
The gorgeous man smiled. "Yup. We surfed like all the time when we were kids."
"Do you have any sisters?" Soonyoung ventured.
Joshua elbowed him in the ribs. The boy let out a cry of pain which he quickly turned into a cough.
"Thanks," Joshua said. "I'll check inside then." And without even waiting for Soonyoung, he strode towards the house.
"Nice pineapple by the way!" Jaewon shouted.
If Joshua thought outside was crowded, it certainly paled in comparison to inside.
There were people everywhere. And Joshua really meant everywhere. People sat on the floor, on the furniture, on wastepaper baskets, anything they could find, really. There was no way all these people were family. Maybe Jeonghan had a lot of friends?
Well at least he could count on Soonyoung to help him find Jeonghan, right? Wrong.
He didn't even make it past the first pretty girl. "Hello there," Soonyoung said as he backtracked to one girl leaning against a wall. "Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like an angel."
Ugh, how predictable. This is what Joshua gets for enlisting the help of a horny, broke teenager. Whatever. He just needed to find Jeonghan. In theory, it should've been easy: after all, Jeonghan was sure to stick out like a sore thumb. Reality proved him wrong, of course. Jeonghan was not in the living room, nor was he in the dining room. He wasn’t sitting on the couch either.
Eventually, Joshua wandered to the kitchen where the counter was packed with people and food. Oh the food. The Yoons sure knew how to eat. It was nothing short of glorious. There were garlic-soaked vegetables and rice, stir fried noodles topped with sweet crispy bell peppers, pork dumplings the size of baseballs, and of course Uncle Jin's kalbi which was almost empty. One dish in particular caught his eye: the one with a thick red sauce that spilled over slippery smooth rice nuggets. Tteokbokki. Jeonghan's favorite dish.
"You need a plate there, son?" a man's gruff voice said.
The man standing behind the counter was a very severe looking man with salt and pepper hair, cold eyes that lived behind dark frames, and a mouth that was stuck in a permanent thin line. He would've had Joshua shitting bricks had he not been wearing an apron that read Kiss the Cook.
"Is that a pineapple?" The man said sharply.
"Um, yes?" He gave it to the man.
"And you didn't think to cut it?" The man said, unimpressed. "How are we supposed to eat it? Did you think someone else would cut it for you?"
"N-no Sir," Joshua said quickly.
The man's eyes narrowed into thin slits. "I don't recall seeing you around here before, boy."
Before Joshua could answer, someone cut in. "Hong, so glad you came!"'
Not even Joshua could stop his eyes tracking Yoon Jeonghan from across the room. Jeonghan walked with that third trimester gait, steps slightly wider than normal and back arched awkwardly. His white t-shirt only just covered him, and his sweatpants were pushed below the curve of his belly. Joshua was willing to bet his wardrobe was less of a choice these days and more of a if-it-fits-I'll-wear-it type of situation.
He desperately wanted to sit him down.
"Jeonghan, you know this man?" The cook said as Jeonghan stood next to Joshua. He smelled like a mixture of strawberries and sunblock. He smelled like summer, which was funny considering it was the dead of winter.
"This is Joshua Hong," Jeonghan said pleasantly while Joshua sweated buckets. "He was the one I was telling you about, the one who helped me pick a baby monitor. A friend."
Friend. So that's how Jeonghan defined them. As friends. Part of Joshua shriveled up at the thought. Friends don't touch each other the way you used to touch me, he thought.
The man gave Joshua an appraising look, then must have decided he wasn't worth the time, because he said, "Very well. Get him some food, Jeonghan. He's too skinny." The man walked away.
"Sorry," Jeonghan said. "My dad can be kind of intense."
"Dad?!" Joshua choked.
Jeonghan laughed. "Let's get you some food. Dad is right, you are looking a bit thin."
Jeonghan loaded Joshua's plate with just about everything. You would think it should have been the other way around, but Jeonghan was adamant. By the time they made their way to one of the couches, Joshua had a mountain of food on his plate.
"Yo Jeonghan, over here!"
A young woman with silver hair and combat boots waved them over. Upon closer look, Joshua realized the combat boots weren’t the only striking thing about the woman. She also wore startling blue eye contacts and dark eyeliner. The young man sitting beside her, on the other hand, couldn't have looked more different. With his massive arms crossed over his chest, he looked like a bouncer you'd see at a club. On the girl's other side was a familiar man with a tattooed arm draped around the girl's shoulder.
"What's up, cuz?" Jaewon said, flashing his pearly teeth. "Oh, hey Joshua. Small world, isn't it? I see you found Jeonghan. Nice job, bro."
"Joshua, these are my friends," Jeonghan said happily. "Tiffany." The girl blew a kiss with her blue tinted lips. "Bongki.” The bouncer crossed his arms tightly so they looked like thick rolls of ground sausage. "And I guess you've already met him, but that's Jaewon, my cousin."
Jaewon flashed that brilliant smile again, the one that belonged in a k-drama. "Howdy do."
Joshua took a seat across from them. Just as he did, Bongki rose to his feet. For a second, Joshua imagined he was going to be picked up by the scruff of his neck and tossed out the door. Instead, Bongki helped Jeonghan into the cushions with surprising gentleness.
"Thanks," Jeonghan said with a little groan.
"You're getting big there, cuz," Jaewon said. "You holding out alright? How far along are you?”
“30 weeks,” Jeonghan said with a tight smile. “Still can’t believe I have a month or two of this left.”
Bongki looked at Jeonghan's belly with a slight frown. He wasn't the only one who looked concerned.
"Are you using the pregnancy crystals I got you?" Tiffany asked.
"Ah, well…"
Tiffany clicked her tongue. "Jeonghan, I told you your chakras are blocked with energy. The crystals are supposed to help clear them."
"The chakras aren't the only thing blocked," Jeonghan muttered under his breath. "Is there a crystal for constipation?"
"You should be using Amethyst regularly for rest and spiritual connection," Tiffany continued. "Carnelian for a boost of stamina, rose quartz for bonding with the babies. You must call on the power of mother earth so you can connect with the inner light and let her guide you through your last few months."
"Ok, babe, I think he gets it," Jaewon said. "Inner light. Power of mother earth. All that jazz, right?" He gave Jeonghan an apologetic smile.
"Well, it's true," Tiffany said, giving them all a hard stare as if daring them to challenge her.
Jaewon clapped his hands. "So Joshua, I'm curious. How do you know Jeonghan?"
Joshua glanced at Jeonghan nervously. "Oh, uh we met at Harvard," he said carefully. "We just happened to run into each other after all these years."
"Must have been quite a shock when you saw him," Jaewon said.
"A little bit, yes."
The group chuckled.
"Imagine how I felt," Jeonghan said. "The first time he sees me in like a decade, and I'm carrying around this huge belly. You should've seen his face when I told him I was having twins. He thought this was all one baby."
"Joshua, no, you couldn't have!" Tiffany said.
Joshua turned red, scratching the back of his neck. "I was trying to be polite. Give him the benefit of the doubt."
"Smart move bro," Jaewon said.
"How sweet," Tiffany cooed.
"You're too kind, Joshua. You've always been too kind." Jeonghan said that last bit in a quiet voice and Joshua knew he was lost in memories from eight years ago.
"Finally, we get to meet one of Jeonghan's uni friends who isn't an arrogant jerk," Jaewon said. "No offense to you Harvard folks."
"None taken," Joshua said.
He remembered Jeonghan's friends from Law School being pretentious and a tad on the more privileged side. Joshua had been a computer sci major, so he never associated much with them, but whenever Jeonghan had them around, Joshua hated them.
Tiffany rolled her eyes, knocking back the rest of her drink. "Ugh, don't get me started on those jerks. It's like they have such big heads because they went to Harvard, like look at me, I'm so smart. Barf. Why do you even keep them around, Han?"
"I don't keep them around," Jeonghan grumbled. "They keep me around. Besides, I’m not even sure how they’d feel about me now. You know how weird people can get when they see a guy with a baby bump."
"You're too good for them, Han," Tiffany reassured him. "If they don't want anything to do with you after this, then I'd say good riddance. Trust me, you're better off without them."
"I guess," Jeonghan said, but he still looked bothered.
"Enough about them," Jaewon said. "What kind of work do you do, Joshua?"
"Oh, uh."
Joshua appreciated the man for steering the conversation in a different direction, but seriously, why did he have to ask about his employment of all things? Joshua would sooner die then admit he worked a minimum wage job, not after telling them he went to Harvard. Admitting that would only raise more questions which would mean opening up about what happened... And that was something Joshua refused to get into. Jeonghan's friends were starting to give him odd looks now.
"Did you know Joshua's really good with technology?" Jeonghan said. "He helped me pick out a baby monitor yesterday. Said he'd help me set it up today."
"Nice going bro,” Jaewon said.
“Hopefully the government won’t be secretly tuning in,” Tiffany added.
Jaewon raised an eyebrow at her. “Really Tiff?” That's a little extreme, even for you.
“I’m serious. They use your cameras to do it: computer, phone, TV. Why do you think I cover those things up?”
And just like that, the group started arguing about government surveillance, which somehow turned into a discussion about mud face masks, which then turned into a debate about pineapple pizza. Needless to say, the question of Joshua's profession was long forgotten. When he snuck Jeonghan a glance, Jeonghan gave him a small wink back. Even now, he still looked out for him.
"Eat please, while these guys are distracted," he said quietly.
As if to prove his point, Tiffany said, "There's only one way to eat an ice cream cone, and it's certainly not by biting into it."
"But if you lick it, it'll melt," Jaewon said. "I'd risk a brain freeze any day than have ice cream melting down my wrist. Too messy."
Bongki didn't say much, but he wasn't scowling so deeply like before. He looked mildly amused (at least that's what Joshua thought, it was kind of hard to tell).
Yup. Joshua liked these people. Not only were they carefree and down-to-earth, but they were Jeonghan's friends, genuine ones this time. Feeling much more comfortable than before, he tucked into his plate. As he ate, he noticed Jeonghan picked at a bowl of japchae but didn't get very far. The other sighed and set it aside, bowl still full.
"Not hungry?" Joshua asked.
"Everything tastes weird," Jeonghan replied, making a face. "It's probably hormones and stuff."
He leaned back into the couch, holding his belly and looking uncomfortable. It suddenly occurred to Joshua how warm he must have felt in sweatpants with the heat and all.
"So, did you become a lawyer?" Joshua asked.
Jeonghan perked up a little. "Yeah, I passed the bar six years ago. It's been amazing, Joshua. I feel like I'm really making a difference in people's lives, you know?"
"That's great," Joshua said. What he didn't say was how little he could relate to the whole making a difference thing. He pushed the thoughts aside and said whatever came to his mind next. "Have you ever gotten to say, "I object!" while in court?"
He winced, only now realizing how cliche that sounded.
Jeonghan looked like he was trying not to laugh. "Joshua, I think you watch too much TV. Not all of my cases go to court. Actually, the majority get resolved before court if it's possible. Less expensive for the client that way. But I will say, I have gotten some pretty interesting cases over the years." Jeonghan laced his hands thoughtfully on top of his belly like he was reliving each one. "I’ve always had a soft spot for my Pro Bono cases."
When Joshua looked confused, he added, "It's kind of like community service. The cases aren't billable because the clients can't afford it. If I didn't have to earn a living, I'd do Pro Bono all the time. That's where I really get to do what I love."
"What kind of cases are those?"
"Discrimination cases, domestic violence, civil matters. It's incredible work, Joshua."
Jeonghan spent the next few minutes talking about it. He tossed around legal jargon like it was nothing, and Joshua nodded politely, pretending he understood these things when really he was using everything he'd learned from American legal dramas and The People's Court to loosely follow along. Even so, it was adorable watching Jeonghan geek out. His eyes were so bright and eager. The man didn't just like his job, he loved it.
"A few months ago, I got to work with this one family," Jeonghan went on. "They sued the school district for not letting their ten-year-old daughter play softball since she was trans. You can understand why I was interested in the case."
Joshua remembered the first time Jeonghan came out to him as transgender. It had been their first year of college, back when their friendship was just beginning to blossom into romance. Jeonghan had been a nervous wreck then. Now, several years later, he stood proud and ready to defend others like himself. The growth amazed him.
"There was a lot of opposition," Jeonghan continued. "Things got heated. When the school district saw me, well, it was hard for people to take me seriously: I mean I was a 5 months pregnant trans man. My appearance was a bit shocking. I was scared I blew it for them."
His expression changed into a sorrowful one. "I'm sorry to say this but…"
Joshua's heart fell.
"That little girl kicked ass on the softball team."
He punched Jeonghan in the shoulder.
"Ow!"
"Why'd you have to phrase it like that?" Joshua grumbled.
"I'm a dramatic guy, what can I say?"
"I guess that hasn't changed," Joshua muttered.
"Their family sent me a picture of her in her sports uniform a few months ago," Jeonghan said. He blinked hard. "She looked so happy, Joshua. So h-happy."
Joshua was not prepared for what happened next. Jeonghan burst into tears.
"Whoa, cuz, everything ok?"
Jaewon and Tiffany stopped their conversation. Bongki was on his feet in a matter of seconds, flexing his arms menacingly at Joshua. He didn't think Joshua caused this, did he? Whatever the case, Joshua gulped.
"I-I’m f-fine," Jeonghan bawled. "It's n-nothing, just stupid h-hormones!"
He proceeded to sob.
"Aw what's wrong, Jeonghan dear?" Aunt Jin-yi said from nearby. She wasn't the only one who looked concerned. A few others nearby were looking curiously their way.
"Don't worry, Auntie, we've got it covered," Tiffany said.
As if to prove her point, Bongki swept in with a tissue box.
"T-thank you, Bongki," Jeonghan said. He blew his nose loudly.
The large man nodded and returned to his spot, still glaring at Joshua with distrust. Jeonghan's friends were so protective. He noticed Jaewon still looked tense, but then Tiffany planted a kiss on his cheek and lulled him back into conversation.
Many times, it crossed his mind to pat Jeonghan's back or offer some words of comfort, but at the same time, he didn't want to confuse Jeonghan any further. Who knows, it might make him cry harder. So Joshua patiently waited for the other to collect himself.
Even so, it was strange seeing him like this. Back then, Jeonghan so rarely shedded tears, always a strong pillar to those around him. When it came to the needs of his friends, he was there in a heartbeat, ready to listen to their troubles. But when it came to his own feelings, he was like a locked vault.
"Sorry," Jeonghan said, sniffing. He smiled, eyes still wet and face blotchy. "Guess I really have become that emotional pregnant person, huh?”
"It was a personal case for you," Joshua assured him. "Only makes sense you'd feel emotional."
"Thank you, Joshua."
They lapsed into silence, Jeonghan wiping his eyes while Joshua cast around for something to say. He caught yet another banner taped to the walls that read Congratulations!
"Why didn't you tell me this was a baby shower?" Joshua said quietly. "I could've brought something."
Jeonghan hesitated. "I don't know. I thought you might get scared if you heard baby shower instead of barbecue. Didn't think you'd show up."
"I'd show up," Joshua said in a casual voice. "You know. To help set up the cameras."
"Right. The cameras," Jeonghan said. "Um, about that…"
Whatever he had to say was conveniently cut off, because all of a sudden, they were swarmed by a pack of aunts. Their leader was a tall regal old lady with a frame that commanded power and grace. She didn't just walk across the room, she swept across it, people parting before her like Moses and the sea.
Red lips stretched, revealing yellowing teeth. "Chungha dear, look at you! You're ready to pop!"
Jeonghan noticeably stiffened. He wasn't the only one. Bongki was scowling again and both Jaewon and Tiffany frowned in her direction like they had caught a whiff of rotting fruit. Her sickly-sweet perfume was a mixture of overpowering honey and floral tea- a scent Joshua didn't know could be so deadly. It caused his eyes to burn.
"Hi Grandma Jiwon," Jeonghan said in a strange voice. It sounded like he was forcing himself to be polite.
The woman's heavily mascaraed eyes fell on Joshua. She tilted her head, lips pursed in amusement. "Oh? Who is this?"
"I'm Joshua, a friend of Jeonghan's."
The woman tittered. "Oh yes, Chungha is quite the social butterfly. So many interesting… ah. Friends." Her eyes lingered on Joshua's pink palm tree shirt, then on Tiffany's heavy eyeliner and Jaewon's tattoos.
First, what the hell? Was that a dig at the group? And also, who was Chungha? Did she mean Jeonghan? He could chalk it up to the woman's poor memory, but the way she spoke didn't seem right. It sounded clipped, cold, and very intentional.
"Dear, I know you're eating for three, but do keep an eye on your weight," she said, tapping two wrinkly fingers beneath Jeonghan's chin. "You're getting a bit chubby." She straightened up, beady eyes locking onto her next target. "Oh my, is that Jin-joo's son? He sure has grown a lot, but oh dear, those tattoos. Why would a young person ruin their skin like that?"
She swept away, the pack of women following her like a swarm of locusts. A few uncomfortable seconds of silence lingered in her wake.
"Well, I didn't like her," Joshua said at last.
"Arg, that woman is just foul!" Tiffany exploded, ripping her napkin into shreds. Bongki calmly swiped some of the torn bits off his cargo pants while Tiffany shouted more obscenities. "Absolutely despicable, bigoted, narrow minded!"
"Hey, don't let her get to you, cuz, alright?" Jaewon said, gently shaking Jeonghan's shoulder.
"Guys, it's fine," Jeonghan said halfheartedly. "Grandma Jiwon is… special."
Joshua didn't like how down Jeonghan looked. Not at all. Not one bit.
"Special? How about rude?" Joshua said. "She had no right talking to you like that."
"She's family," Jeonghan said raggedly like that explained everything. His voice sounded tired, like he had said the phrase a million times. Maybe he had.
"That doesn't excuse her behavior," Joshua said. "She's obviously a little wonky in the head. She couldn't even get your name right."
A dead silence fell as soon as he spoke those words. Everyone looked at Joshua with confused eyes, everyone but Jeonghan.
"I think I need some water," Jeonghan said suddenly. Somehow, he managed to clamber out of his seat. He wobbled a little but regained his balance with a little help from Bongki.
When he left, Joshua blinked at the rest of the group. "I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"
Tiffany and Jaewon shared a glance with each other, almost like they were having a silent argument. You tell him. No, you. Finally, Jaewon said in an awkward voice, "Joshua, do you not know? Chungha is Jeonghan's dead name."
Setting up the baby monitors turned out to be simple. So simple that Joshua thought Jeonghan could do it himself if he wanted. Within ten minutes, Joshua had the cameras hooked up to Wi-Fi and positioned above the cribs, the monitor’s split screen relaying live feed of the two empty beds.
The room was nice: a light avocado green, very soothing, with a weathered rocking chair in one corner (possibly a passed down family heirloom), and two white cribs in the center of the room. Mickey mouse characters decorated the sheets of both cribs, and Joshua noticed each bed had a little stuffed rabbit on top.
"I like what you've done," Joshua said, gesturing to the room.
Jeonghan hummed. He had grown increasingly quiet as Joshua worked on the cameras, resorting to looking out the window. Joshua didn't like that he couldn't see his face.
All he could think about was how he had made Jeonghan feel uncomfortable earlier. Of course Chungha was a dead name. How could he be so ignorant as to not pick up on the fact? Jeonghan had recovered surprisingly fast after the debacle. When he returned to the group, he struck up conversation almost like nothing had happened and the group happily obliged. At the time, it felt like everything was fine. But now, Joshua wasn't so sure, not when a quiet like no other took over the room.
"About earlier, I'm sorry," Joshua said. "What I said was stupid and ignorant and I hate that I made you feel uncomfortable. I should've known better and if you're mad, I completely understand."
Whoa, talk about word vomit.
"Have you been holding that in all this time?" Jeonghan asked. He still didn't turn around, but he sounded amused.
"Maybe.”
"You did nothing wrong, Joshua. I mean, how could you have known about my dead name? I never told you. Now Grandma Jiwon… she's different. I can't say I'm surprised."
"She shouldn't have talked to you like that," Joshua said. "You didn't deserve that."
"You're so kind, Shua," he said quietly. His voice hitched on the nickname, an obvious slip of the tongue. Memories came with that name, memories that turned Joshua's stomach into a fire pit, made his back and collarbone tingle and itch as ghostly lips pressed into his skin.
Jeonghan took a deep breath. "Look, Joshua. Can we talk?"
Those three words held more power over him than he cared to admit. They made his feet curl, his heart hammer madly. They made his throat close up like someone had shoved cotton down his esophagus. The fact that Jeonghan still would not turn around made everything worse. He felt like running.
Joshua did not in fact run. He did the next best thing. He played dumb.
"Talk about what?"
"I think you and I both know I can set up a baby monitor on my own,” Jeonghan said.
A chill settled at the back of his neck. So he hadn't been invited to help with the cameras after all. No, it seemed Jeonghan had something else in mind.
"Why did you leave?" Jeonghan said in a voice hardly above a whisper. He turned around finally, smile wobbly. "I know it's been eight years. Trust me, the last thing I want to do is dredge things up from the past. But I need to know why. Please."
Joshua was already backing away from him. "Jeonghan, I-I can't do this right now."
"Come on, Hong," Jeonghan said. "What are the odds that after all these years, I run into you? Don't you see how ridiculous that is? There has to be a reason why this happened."
"Jeonghan-"
"Maybe these chain of events happened so we can finally get closure," Jeonghan said. "Of course! That's why we found each other again. We're supposed to find closure! Can't you see?"
"No, I can't," Joshua said. "Look, I should leave. I set up your cameras, I did what you asked. It was nice seeing you, Jeonghan, but I think it's best if we go separate ways."
"Separate ways?"
Joshua was already heading for the door. What the hell was there to say? Jeonghan was starting the next chapter of his life. And Joshua, well Joshua had spent ten years trying to forget everything that had happened at Harvard. He fled across the country to get away from it all. He wasn't about to ruin years of hard work by reopening old wounds.
"But I don't want to go separate ways," Jeonghan said, blinking hard. " I don't want to lose you. Not again."
Joshua froze, hand inches away from the doorknob.
"Please, Hong." Jeonghan’s voice sounded dangerously close to tears. "Please. Stay please-" he cut off suddenly.
Joshua turned around. Jeonghan had a hand to his temple, eyes squeezed shut. He seemed to be taking short, shallow breaths.
"Jeonghan? Jeonghan!"
He ran to his side and wrapped an arm around his back. Jeonghan had his head hung, blonde hair falling into his eyes.
"I don't think I ate enough," he mumbled, leaning heavily on Joshua. Jeonghan's untouched bowl of food flashed across his mind. He helped him to the floor.
"Has this happened before?" He asked as he sat the other against a wall.
Jeonghan nodded miserably, eyes squeezed shut. He still looked pale. "Could you get me some water? And some food too? The dizziness will go away if I eat something."
Joshua had never moved so quickly in his life. He raced downstairs, returning a few minutes later with a plate and some water.
"Tteokbokki?" Jeonghan said when Joshua handed him the plate. He smiled weakly.
Tteokbokki was Jeonghan's comfort food. Whenever he felt homesick, Joshua used to bring a warm plate to his dorm. As the semesters wore on, those visits became longer and more frequent, eventually turning into evenings...
Jeonghan watched him intently. From the sad look in his eyes, Joshua could tell he was thinking of those evenings. With fondness or regret, he couldn't tell. Maybe both.
"Joshua."
"Eat," Joshua said.
He quickly turned on the fan. Then he got on his knees and began rolling up Jeonghan's sweatpants. Jeonghan jerked his leg and made a small noise of surprise.
"Just helping you cool down," Joshua replied, surprised to find his voice calm. He knew it had to be seriously warm in those things, not that Jeonghan had much of a choice these days. He was probably limited on the kinds of pants that fit him.
Gently, Joshua rolled the fabric up to his kneecaps. He thought he heard the other sigh.
He went to work on the other leg. Now Joshua was no stranger to seeing Jeonghan's bare skin. Long ago, he had spent evenings memorizing every inch of it. But today, now that several years stood between them, there was something strangely intimate about seeing Jeonghan's bare legs again. They were pale and swollen. They had definitely worked hard to carry those kids.
Jeonghan ate as much as he could, getting through half the plate before patting his belly and setting the plate aside. His face had more color to it which was good.
They were silent for a bit, neither quite knowing what to say. Joshua sat next to Jeonghan, very aware of the fact that Jeonghan's shoulder was pressing into his own.
"Please tell me I wasn't the only one," Jeonghan said in a ragged, detached voice. He was staring straight ahead like he was talking to someone invisible. "Tell me I wasn't the only one who felt something special when we dated."
Joshua swallowed. "I felt it."
"You did?"
"Of course I did," Joshua said quietly.
He could sense the question coming. Jeonghan's eyebrows pressed together, his mouth pouted in confusion. He had never been good at holding back.
"Why?" Jeonghan said. "Why did you go to California? I mean, I know why you went. But why did you…" Jeonghan looked like he was trying to swallow a golf ball. "Why did you not take me with you?"
His voice broke at the end. It hurt to even hear him talking like this when he had been nothing but a good boyfriend. Joshua would've thought it was obvious why he broke things off with him.
He felt this odd pressure building in his throat and behind his eyes.
"I should never have cheated on that damn test," he whispered.
It's funny how he could recall the little things about that day, like how there had been a slight chance of rain in the afternoon, how the elevator in the building had been out of service that week. Perhaps what he remembered most was how agonizing it had been taking the stairs down to the classroom, knowing very well what he planned to do - each step felt like he was descending into hell.
And yet, no one could have foreseen what Joshua Hong would do that day. That boy's got a bright future ahead of him, they said. Joshua Hong's going to change the world, they said. His professors believed that, his friends believed that, so did his mother who had already begun telling people her son was a Harvard graduate despite graduation being several weeks away. The next thing he knew, he couldn't disappoint them.
With shaky wet hands, he entered the classroom, sat down at the same creaky desk, and scribbled his name at the top of his exam. Just this one time, he thought. The lessons just weren't clicking like they usually did. He'd never do it again. He took a deep breath, then looked at the TA who nodded imperceptibly.
Joshua had been five weeks away from graduating when he got expelled. The TA too. He couldn't face Cambridge after that, couldn't face his uni friends, couldn't even face Jeonghan. He flew back to California, hoping the distance would numb the shame. That was the last anyone heard from Joshua Hong, including Jeonghan.
"I was doing you a favor breaking up with you," Joshua said, eyes stinging. His voice sounded funny like he had a cold. "Imagine introducing your parents to a total screw up. I'm sure they'd love that. A guy expelled from uni, working minimum wage while he lives with his mother. Trust me, you wouldn't want to deal with that kind of embarrassment."
"Did you ever think to ask?" Jeonghan said. Tears stuck to his lashes like dew, his smile wobbly. "I fell in love with you, Joshua. Nothing changed that, not even the day you got expelled."
Joshua could feel his world shattering again. How different would life be if he hadn't left Massachusetts? If he hadn't broken up with Jeonghan? Maybe they'd still be together, and he wouldn't be living in his mother's house. He would've made something of himself, if not for himself, then for Jeonghan at least, and they'd have a cute little place together with a dog or two.
Jeonghan gasped sharply. "One of the kids has their foot stuck in my ribs."
Right. Jeonghan was pregnant with another man's children.
"Is the father in the picture for those two?" Joshua asked, pointing at Jeonghan's belly while the other massaged it. After not seeing the father all afternoon, he thought it was safe to assume the man hadn't been invited. Perhaps what the two had shared had been a one-night stand. Or maybe there had been a nasty fallout, possibly a divorce. That would at least explain the absence of a ring.
Jeonghan smiled. "There's someone I'd like you to meet. Help me up."
Joshua didn’t like the sound of that. They went downstairs, back to the living room. The whole time, he felt like there were frogs hopping around in his stomach.
"Hey Ji, you got a second?" Jeonghan said to a young woman who was chatting with someone.
She saw Jeonghan's face, then Joshua's. "Is this him?" she asked Jeonghan.
He nodded, face unreadable.
"Let's go outside."
And before Joshua could get in a word, Jeonghan dragged him towards the door. He still didn't understand what was going on, but it was refreshing to be outside and away from people. They went beneath the banner that Soonyoung had pointed out when they'd first arrived, dragging some chairs over so they could sit in the shade.
"Joshua, this is my sister, Jihyun," Jeonghan said once they sat down.
Now that he could properly look at her, he definitely could see the family resemblance. They both had the same delicate face and dark brown eyes.
"Nice to meet you," Joshua said.
“Likewise,” she replied. “I must admit, I’ve been wanting to meet you for some time. He's been talking quite a bit about you." Jihyun jabbed a thumb at Jeonghan. "Won't shut up at all. It's annoying. Almost."
"Ji!"
"Really?" Joshua said. Jeonghan was red in the face. Interesting.
"Don't listen to her," Jeonghan said, rolling his eyes "She's just being an insufferable little -"
He gasped. Joshua almost had an anxiety fit thinking Jeonghan had gone into labor, but then Jeonghan wheezed out, "One of the girls is going to be a soccer player. That one hurt actually."
Jihyun stuck her tongue out at her brother while he rubbed one of the sore spots.
"Can't you kids take it easy on your uncle?" he whined.
"Uncle?" Joshua said.
Jeonghan smiled shyly. "Uh, surprise?"
Joshua couldn't think properly. His mind felt like it was moving in slow motion. Seconds, moments, maybe even years could have passed around him before he finally came to the realization.
Jihyun punched Jeonghan in the shoulder.
"Ow!"
"You didn't tell him?" she said. "Why the hell would you do that?"
"I dunno."
"Oh my God, if you weren't pregnant right now, I'd smack some sense into your head."
"Hang on," Joshua said. He pointed at Jeonghan. "I thought you said this was your baby shower?”
“I never said it was mine, only that it was a baby shower. So what if I left out the part about it being my sister’s?” Jihyun sent another swift slap to his arm. “Hey!”
“So… you're her surrogate?" Joshua asked.
"Yeah," Jeonghan replied pleasantly. "I'm just helping out my baby sister."
His baby sister rolled her eyes. "You say that like it's no big deal, like you're carrying my groceries to the car for me or something."
Joshua had to agree. Jeonghan was downplaying this too much. Being pregnant with twins was no easy feat, let alone navigating the whole thing as a transgender man.
"When the doctor told me I couldn't carry any children, my husband and I started looking at options," Jihyun said, turning to Joshua. "We were going to try a surrogate, but then my annoying brother inserted himself into the situation."
"Best decision I ever made," Jeonghan said. "I love having her tend to my every need. I think I've become drunk with power." He shook his belly.
"You're not drunk with power. You're delusional," Jihyun shot back. "And stop shaking the kids like that."
The Yoons spent the next minute bickering while Joshua watched in awe. Though they seemed to annoy the crap out of each other, he noticed when Jihyun mentioned the part about the doctor, Jeonghan gently put a hand on her shoulder. He was trying to make sure she was ok. Joshua bet it was an emotional experience being told something like that.
Finally, Jeonghan ruffled Jihyun's hair.
"Alright, alright," she said, shooting Jeonghan a glare that had no heat. "Well, I’ve got to find my husband. Thanks to all these wonderful people, and a little bullying from my dad, we’ve got lots of presents to open. It was nice meeting you, Joshua. Make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid." She jabbed a thumb at Jeonghan.
As they watched her walk back inside, Joshua said, "That was a really nice thing to do for her, Jeonghan."
"Yup."
"So you wanted me to think the twins were yours?"
"Yup. Ah, I mean no, totally not. That would be a very immature thing to do..."
Joshua quirked an eyebrow. He crossed his arms.
"Ok, yes," Jeonghan admitted. "But come on Hong, it was just too tempting not to! Plus, you have yourself to blame if you really think about it. I would've come clean a lot sooner had you not been so sweet and caring."
Joshua's face was still stony.
"Please don't be mad at me?" Jeonghan pulled out the big brown eyes.
And there was the source of Joshua's weakness. He couldn't stay mad even if he tried.
"You're crazy, Yoon Jeonghan," he grumbled.
Jeonghan laughed. A breeze rustled through the trees. Not too far away, some children had begun a game of tag, their shouts of laughter drifting across the yard like a song. The adults watched them from afar, chatting and eating amongst each other while their wine glasses glinted in the sun.
Everyone looked so happy.
Like Joshua, Jeonghan watched the whole scene contently. His eyes crinkled into soft crescents, a gentle smile peaking at the corners of his mouth. Happiness looked wonderful on him. That of course was when Jeonghan caught him staring.
The blonde cleared his throat awkwardly.
"You know, it was a bit of a shock when two babies showed up on the ultrasound," he said. "It was so funny, Joshua. I swear, all of our jaws dropped to the floor. But me? I was terrified."
"You didn't think you'd be carrying twins," Joshua guessed.
Jeonghan smiled a little tightly. His belly poked out so much, his t-shirt hardly fit over it. Even so, he kept a firm hold on the belly.
"Can I ask you something?" Joshua said all of a sudden.
"Don't see why not."
"Why did you offer to be a surrogate? I mean, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to, but I would've thought you'd be... You know. Uncomfortable." He stopped awkwardly, but Jeonghan caught on.
"Are you talking about the gender dysphoria?"
Joshua nodded sheepishly. He could tell from the long pause that Jeonghan was thinking carefully about his response.
"At first, I was uncomfortable," he said finally. "I had to stop my hormone therapy. Then of course, there's the fact that I can't dress the way I want to. I've been living in oversized sweatpants and baggy t-shirts for the last two months. As for the doctor appointments, don't even get me started on how awkward those can be. It's like some of them have never met a trans person before."
He stopped himself abruptly.
"Sorry," he muttered. "This is turning into a rant. I try to limit myself on those, especially when Jihyun is around. No sense in making her feel guilty when this should be an exciting time for her."
There it was again, the locking of the vault. He understood about wanting to protect his sister's feelings, but how long had Jeonghan been keeping this to himself for? The whole pregnancy probably.
"Are you still feeling that way?" Joshua asked.
Jeonghan thought about it. "I suppose it's gotten better. I keep telling myself this is all temporary. I won't be pregnant forever. I think that helped keep the dysphoria at bay." He stopped all of a sudden as if coming to a realization. "I think you're the first person to ask me this."
"I didn't mean to pry-"
"No, I meant it as a good thing," Jeonghan said. He was smiling now. "I know my sister made it sound like surrogates were an option, but even she knew it wasn't possible. Jihyun still makes payments on her car and Seungcheol has his student debt to think about. Seungcheol’s her husband by the way,” he added when Joshua looked confused. “I don't think they could afford a surrogate even if they wanted.”
He stroked his belly, his lips curving up with fondness, but his eyes looked tired. When he spoke, his voice was soft. “She's always wanted kids, Joshua. If I have to feel uncomfortable for a bit so I can make that happen for her, then of course I'm going to do it."
He was beautiful. How could someone be this beautiful?
Jeonghan laughed softly to himself and for a second, Joshua feared he had said that last thought out loud.
"Is it funny that I'm a little nervous about giving birth?"
"I would be," Joshua said. "I mean, what if you don't make it to the hospital on time? What if you can't handle the pain or the baby gets stuck or-"
Jeonghan shot him a glare. Huh. He should really shut up.
"Jeez Hong, that's very reassuring stuff."
"I certainly don't think it's going to be a fun experience," Joshua said. "But it'll be worth it. I know you'll do well."
"Yeah?"
Joshua smiled. "You're Yoon Jeonghan. You can do anything."
Jeonghan fixed him with one of those shrewd looks again. This time Joshua didn't back down, he stared back with just as much intensity.
"You seem different, Joshua," Jeonghan finally said.
“Any chance you could elaborate on that?”
“Nope. Maybe after the girls are born, we can hang out sometime. Get to know each other again.”
"Sure," Joshua said. "I'd like that."
And for once, he felt like he had done something right.
8 weeks later, Jeonghan gave birth to two healthy girls.
A couple months after that, Joshua took Jeonghan out to lunch.
A year after that, and they were officially dating.
It was incredible, really. Every time Joshua thought about it, his head hurt. What were the odds that the two would fall back in love ten years later? Slim for sure. So slim, it was the stuff of fairytales. Perhaps there was such a thing as fate? What if Jeonghan hadn’t decided to watch The Notebook that day? Then he would never have gone on that illegal website, would never have gotten a virus on his computer, would never have went to Best Buy to get his computer fixed by Joshua… his head hurt.
“Someone’s thinking too much,” a voice said.
Jeonghan walked into the living room. Technically, it was their living room. Moving in together had been one of the best decisions they’d made. Joshua noticed himself laughing more, smiling more, just loving life in general more now that Jeonghan was living with him.
Jeonghan flicked Joshua’s ear. “I can practically see the smoke coming out of your ears. What are you thinking about?”
“Us.”
Jeonghan looked amused. “I was just thinking the same thing.”
“Really?”
“Nah, what’s for dinner?”
Joshua sent a swift slap to Jeonghan’s arm.
“Ow, what was that for!” Jeonghan complained. He jutted out his lip and rubbed his arm, though Joshua highly doubted he did him any harm.
“I’m serious,” Joshua said. “Don’t you ever think about it? If we’d made different choices that day, we might never have met.”
Jeonghan pondered this for a bit. He had trimmed his hair recently, it no longer reaching past his jaw like it did when he first saw him. Golden locks had been swapped for raven black hair. He was still just as handsome.
“I don’t know,” he said finally. “I guess I could have watched The Little Mermaid that day instead of The Notebook.” When Joshua looked confused by the contrast in movie choices, he added, “I learned that the twins’ auditory senses were fully developed that day. Thought they might enjoy listening to a cute movie in utero.”
All of a sudden, the image of a pregnant Jeonghan turning on a kid’s movie and placing a pair of headphones around his belly popped into Joshua’s mind. It was almost too cute to bear.
“What’s the matter, Shua?” Jeonghan took a step closer, arm wrapping around Joshua’s waist.
“Do you think it’s fate that we ran into each other again?” Joshua asked.
“I think you think too much.”
“Jeonghan."
"Oh, you were serious?" He thought about it for a bit. “I used to think it was fate," he said finally. "But when I think back to that day, it feels more like a second chance. An opportunity. I didn't have to come back to the store, but I chose to. You didn't have to come to my family's barbecue, but you came anyway. We didn't have to see each other after the twins were born, but then you took me on a date. Choices Joshua, not fate.” He rubbed a thumb gently across Joshua’s hand. “I’m so happy you’re in my life.”
“Me too,” Joshua said. "It makes me wonder what the future holds for us."
“Baby steps, Shua. I don’t want you to miss out on the present,” Jeonghan said softly. “Speaking of which, I have something for you.”
He stepped back a bit, producing a manila envelop from behind his back. "This came in the mail."
Joshua’s heart dropped. “Is that…” His voice trailed weakly.
Jeonghan nodded with a wide grin.
“What the hell, Jeonghan! How could you let me go on like that when you had this behind your back?” Joshua snatched the envelope from him.
“You were having a moment," Jeonghan said. "Plus, it’s kind of sexy when you get all philosophical.”
Ignoring him, Joshua held up the envelope. This was it. The moment he’s been waiting for. Was he even ready? Part of him felt like throwing up for some reason.
“Ready?” Jeonghan said gently.
Joshua took a deep breath, then nodded. “Ready.”
He opened it.
Congratulations on the completion of your degree at SNHU online college. To request another copy of your diploma, please contact SNHU’s Graduation Services.
With trembling hands, Joshua took out the other sheet of paper from the envelope. In black swooping calligraphy were the words Joshua Hong, Bachelor of Science in Computer Science.
“I’m so proud of you,” Jeonghan said softly. He pecked Joshua on the cheek and wrapped him in a hug.
It had been Jeonghan’s idea for Joshua to finish his degree. He had only been 12 credits short from graduating before he’d been expelled. So, Joshua went back to school, working during the day and taking online classes at night. Jeonghan had cheered him along the entire way. Now here laid the product of all his hard work on a thin sheet of paper.
Tears turned the world blurry, melting it into all sorts of colors. It was messy and so beautiful. Jeonghan held him a little tighter, rocking him gently while Joshua cried into his shoulder.
He'd spent the last ten years feeling stuck and unmotivated, simply going through the motions just to get through the day. For a while, he blamed it on his expulsion and lack of college degree. And yet, that wasn't why he stayed at that Best Buy all those years. There was still a piece of him that felt ashamed and angry at himself for cheating and messing up his only chance to graduate from a prestigious school. Joshua didn't just give up on his dreams that day, he felt undeserving of them. It had taken someone like Jeonghan to get him to realize how unfair that was.
Through tear clotted eyelashes, he looked at the diploma again. He was ready to leave those feelings behind for good.
"You did it," Jeonghan said softly.
For the first time in a long time, Joshua felt hopeful about the future.