Work Text:
How to break your own heart in 10 easy ways
- try to get over him
- try harder
- dye your hair blue
- scream your heart out to taylor swift songs
- be alone and think someday someone will see the sea with me and actually get excited
- cut ties and fail at doing so because he’s your best friend but it hurts and claw at the walls of your heart
- write poems for him and burn all of them in hopes the smell of smoke would drown his perfume
- pretend you never fell in love in the first place
- remember him. cry about him under the rain until your concerned best friend tells you to get inside
- try again
-
Jongseong is no poet, nor is he a renowned writer. His name has never splashed the front page of a magazine. If the word ‘ordinary’ was a person, it would be him. Of course to be ordinary is quite human and like most other humans, Jongseong falls in love.
Being with Jungwon is easy, like breathing, like routine. One minute Jungwon is laughing, eyes scrunched into cute crescent moons and another minute Jongseong's heart clenched so tight, to the point of suffocation. And just like any other case of suffocation, it kills. It stole all the air from his lung and completely shattered his heart.
Jungwon is in love with someone else, someone who is not Park Jongseong.
★
The first time Jay saw Jungwon, it was March three years ago and Jungwon was still a wide-eyed, red-head boy with soft cheeks. From the very start, the stars in his eyes had Jay enamoured - he is a star collector afterall.
His parents always told him that he had a thing for shiny things. As a baby he would stare at his mother's wedding band, blinking golden in the sun. Anything that glittered would catch his eye - diamonds fake and real, as long as they shine, it would still be beautiful to Jay.
But nothing, absolutely nothing could have prepared Jay for the look in Jungwon’s eyes. He may have been young, fresh out of high-school and thrown into college somewhere far from his hometown, but he had always, always been determined. He had a fire within that was more fiery than his striking red hair, something that never diminished and made him try, try and try even harder. Jungwon shone so bright it put the sun to shame.
★
Jay knew right from the start, that love would ruin you. Leave you black, blue and tattered. Jay would know best, it’s evident in the way his father raises his voice at his mother. The proof of love’s abomination on sunny days when his mother feels as cold as winter, the dining table quiet. The scrapping of chairs louder than any declaration of love.
Marriage does not require love, if it did, his parents would long be divorced. Jay was only ten when he figured out that love is not as infinite as people claim to be. If it truly was, how come his always run out?
★
It came to a head on a random Wednesday. At a small cafe near the campus, Sunghoon was busy typing away on his laptop and complaining about his boring lectures. Is it my fault he’s so boring? is a line Jongseong has heard two hundred times in the last hour. Heeseung was there for moral support, giggling at anything stupid Sunghoon spewed out, which was to say, a lot. Jongseong was there, under the guise of moral support but mainly for the free coffee Sunghoon insists he drink, scrolling through twitter aimlessly.
A notification from Jungwon pops up and immediately he straightens up in his seat, opening their chatbox. Heeseung raises an eyebrow at him when his chair creaks, as he leans his elbows on the small tabletop.
“Let me guess,” Heeseung puts a finger to his chin and pretends to think. “Is it someone with black hair and boba eyes?”
Jay can feel the heat rush to his cheeks at being caught so easily, so what if his crush is the size of an enormous iceberg? It’s no one’s business. He replies to Jungwon’s Jay hyung? With a What’s up? complete with three salute emojis.
Wonnie 🍓: Jay hyung?
Seongie hyung 🍉: whats up? 🫡🫡🫡
Wonnie 🍓: Are you free to talk right now?
Sunghoon snorts and raises a hand to mock whisper at Heeseung.
“Only one person can make him that stupid.”
Jay slaps his palm to whatever part of Sunghoon he could reach, satisfied when he hears the other man hiss.
Jay rethinks his reply. Saying i’m always free for you, or for you, always, is too transparent, too true. He ponders for another minute before opting for a simple yeah.
Wonnie 🍓: I actually wanted to tell this when we meet in person but I’m kinda
Wonnie 🍓: nervous
Jay feels his heart thump. Over the years there have been many instances like this, where Jungwon strings up a sentence straight out of a romcom novel and Jay starts expecting something. He gulps and with shaky fingers, replies with a simple question mark.
Wonnie 🍓: I’m officially dating Sunoo.
And just like that, Jongseong finds himself splashed with cold water.
★
The next thing Jay knows is that he’s in the backseat of Sunghoon’s car and tears are streaming down his face. (Which is a lie, because he remembers dropping his phone on the table in shock and knocking over his coffee. Heeseung had his mouth open, ready to yell but immediately changed his mind when he saw the tears forming in Jay’s eyes. Sunghoon stares at the both of them before packing everything and yelling a sorry over his shoulder as both he and Heeseung drag a grief stricken Jay out of the small cafe.)
“Here, drink this.” Heeseung passes Jay his water bottle and Jay forces himself to take a sip.
“Jay,” the car is pulled over the side of the road and both his best friends wear matching looks of concern. The last time he saw that look it was 2018 and he just found out that his boyfriend of four months cheated on him with his classmate.
Jay opens his mouth, croaks out a “Jungwonnie.”
Suddenly his mind is conjuring images of Jungwon smiling at him, sleeping on his shoulder, cuddling him during movie nights and holding Sunoo’s hands as they make their way to the arcade two weeks ago and how he insists on walking Sunoo back to his dorms even though it’s only a five minute walk away and how Jungwon had started smiling to himself whenever he’s just texting ‘a friend’ and suddenly everything makes sense and hurt and-
“Oh my heart,” Heeseung forces himself in the small space to get to the backseat and pull Jay into his arms.
“You don’t have to tell us. It’s okay Jay, it’ll be okay. We’ll wait for you.”
Just like how I waited by Jungwon’s side in hopes he’ll look at me? Jay wants to laugh and throw up, but more than anything else he wants Jungwon’s hug. Jungwon is easily the most huggable person to exist (which is a biassed opinion). But that won’t happen, can’t happen now. So he shoves his face under Heeseung’s chin and grabs at the back of his shirt, hoping for some sense of comfort that he only ever felt around Jungwon.
After four hours of sobbing on Heeseung’s chest, Jay finally pulls back and through his swollen eyes he could make out the number 6:00 P.M. from the touchscreen of Sunghoon’s car, god bless advanced technology. Jay sniffles and leans his head on Heeseung’s shoulder. A glance to the front of his black sweatshirt and Jay could see the dampness and cringes at it.
“Fuck, sorry.” Jay chuckles lightly, gesturing at his tear stains and proof of a broken heart.
Immediately Heeseung bursts into laughter and Jay giggles with him. His voice is raspy, and his throat is so dry it hurts a bit but hearing Heeseung laughing has always made him feel better. It’s obnoxious but so sincere that you can’t help but laugh along.
For a minute, Jay forgets Jungwon, forgets Sunoo, forgets his tattered heart and forgets that he literally has his snot on Heeseung’s favourite sweatshirt. Sunghoon is smiling at the both of them and for a while it feels alright.
This, too, will pass. I will be okay, Jay thinks to himself.
★
Which was, of course, a hoax. Because as soon as Sunghoon dropped him off at the dormitory with a threat of you better eat something Park Jongseong! and Heeseung yelling call us if anything happens! Jay walks in his small dorm room to find Jake sitting snugly in his beanbag with a half asleep Ni-ki on top of him.
Then promptly bursts into tears.
Ni-ki, light sleeper that he is, jolts awake and drops to the floor in a moment of shock. Jake stares wide-eyed and immediately stands up to fuss around Jay.
“Hyung?!” Ni-ki looks close to tears himself, patting Jay down to see if there was any injury.
“Are you hurt anywhere?”
And Jay wants to say yes, yes, it hurts right here , he wants to pick apart his flaws, wants to rip his chest open and dismantle his bones to see, to say was there ever anything worth loving in me? But instead, he curls like a baby on the floor and lets the other two panic over him. That night he falls asleep exactly like that. On the floor. Like some crumpled up paper tossed over someone’s shoulder; wrong and unwanted.
★
Jay is fourteen, his grandmother pulls him gently to the side and dusts out a photo album. In the thin pages of the small square, stands his grandmother - young and carefree, no white hair in sight - and a man he does not recognise. Jay knows his grandfather, knows that he got his cute nose from him, but this man, his arm wrapped around his grandmother, with warmth seeping out of his smile, is a stranger.
“Grandma?” Jay turns to her, confusion written across his soft features.
“His name is Jongseong.”
Jay is even more confused. He wants to urge her to continue, to explain the why but one look at her face and Jay knows. He knows this all too well, the trace of love that had lingered years and years after.
“He was from a well-off family,” she smiles to herself, “His parents had other plans for him.”
Jay is unsure how to feel sharing a name with a total stranger.
“I asked your mother to name you after him.”
She looks so fond, so in love. His name is the affirmation that love will always run deeper, that it can withstand the storm, the rain, the marriage, the lineage of children. Jay doesn’t sleep that night. When he closes his eyes, the image of his grandma’s smile haunts him. He’s never seen her smile like that before.
★
When Jay wakes up, he’s twenty-two and hugging a pillow with a blanket tossed over him. Ni-ki is sleeping on his right, and Jake’s snores could be heard from his other side. Something in his heart clenches, it really is nice to be surrounded by kind friends. The floor feels better than an empty bed with too much space for a lonely college student.
Jay skips all his classes that day, and so does Jake. Jake sends Ni-ki off with a kiss and a promise of ‘see you later’ then they both watch fondly as Ni-ki go, back to his shared dorm with Taki.
“He’s so cute,” Jay chuckles, flopping on the red beanbag.
He hears the door close and footsteps getting closer. Heaving a heavy sigh, Jay closes his eyes and readies himself for the big ‘What Happened’ question. But suddenly the steps turn to the left and Jay could hear Jake rummaging through their drawers.
Jay sits up when he hears Jake’s victory cry ‘Aha!’ and quickly gets up to see what he is up to. He eyes Jake sceptically.
“What are you doing?”
No use beating around the bush with Jake.
“Reading”, Jake hums, ransacking their drawers to find a bowl, presumably.
“For what?”
“To cook us pancakes.”
“I- what? Why?”
Jay looks so flabbergasted. Jake clicks his tongue once, a habit he does when he starts getting annoyed.
“Because you love pancakes and you’re sad and heartbroken and you didn’t eat dinner.”
Jake holds up a hand when Jay attempts to speak.
“I can manage a few pancakes on my own. Go wash up first.”
Dumfounded, Jay nods and trails to the bathroom. He cringes at the sight of his red eyes, a little swollen from the horrendous amount of crying and the crust, Oh God, he looks awful. He strips down for a quick wash, and as the cold water leaves him shivering, yesterday’s event sneaks up to him.
He hasn’t replied to Jungwon’s text yet, and it’s almost been a day - Jungwon must be worried, but would he? The voice at the back of his mind reminds him, he is not yours. Probably never was, it’s been Sunoo all along and like the stupid fool I am, I shove my heart into his unwilling hands. The worst part of all this is that it is not Jungwon’s or Sunoo’s fault at all.
In a rare moment of determination, Jay closes the tap, towels himself dry and gets dressed all in under a minute. He comes out to the smell of burnt pancakes and laughs softly to himself, tells himself, this is nice and I will be okay . (Lies come easier the more you tell them.)
“Hey,” Jake looks absolutely devastated and Jay grins wider.
“Looks great! I love charcoal flavoured pancakes yummy yum.”
Jake groans and gestures to the plate of very crispy pancakes, they’re not black but just a bit crispier than most would prefer. Alas, it’s the thought that counts. They both sit and when Jay tries the first bite he was honestly surprised at how good they tasted.
“Wait, they’re actually really good.”
“The power of pancake mix in a box.”
Jay smiles at the joke and quietly finishes the first pancake. He goes to cut another one but immediately loses his appetite. Because Jungwon likes pancakes, and he had always liked Jay’s pancakes most but now he has Sunoo and he’ll probably think Sunoo cooks better because everything is better when you love someone, and Jay loves Jungwon so much that he pretended waiting for Jungwon to look twice at him will be worth it. It’s not.
Was it ever worth it? The amount of times he couldn’t stomach his food when Jungwon goes on blind dates and the rush of joy when it fails every single time. Was he selfish for that? For the excitement and hope he felt when Jungwon came to his dorm with droopy eyes and a small smile that hid his aching heart.
“You have to eat more.”
Jake’s sharp eyes bore into Jay’s molton brown ones.
“I’m not hungry.”
“You are. You just don’t realise that because you’re too sad about Jungwon finally dating Sunoo.”
The sound of the chair scraping against the floor can be heard clearly as the room fell into an uncomfortable silence.
“I’m not hungry,” Jay repeats, louder.
He can feel tears pooling at the bottom of his lashline and how his lungs start to burn. His ears ring and by years of experience, he knows the longer he stands here the more regret he’ll have later. His choice of words during angry moments had cost him friends, and Jay might be upset but the thing about loving people is that you still love them even when you’re upset, even when they’ve upset you. And Jay loves Jake too much to lose him over a few comments that missed its target.
Jay flees the room with a last comment of, “You can shove the rest of those crispy pancakes up your ass!”
Jay knows Jake has no ill-intention, but he can be too blunt sometimes and it still hurts. It still hurts. He ransacks his bag he left on the floor last night and pulls out his phone. He can hear Jake walking in his direction and immediately leaves their small space. He bursts out of the front door and makes a run down the hallway, feeling like the main character of a sad romance movie, as Jake’s echo of Jay resonates.
★
“Yes, he’s here with me. No it’s- Jake, it’s fine, he’ll be alright. He just needs some time.”
Heeseung paces the living room, one hand pressing his phone to his ear and the other running through his purple hair.
“Jake, please. I’ll take care of him, okay?” Heeseung stops in his tracks, listening to whatever it was their friend had to say.
“I know, goodnight Jake. I love you too, say goodnight to Ni-ki for me too okay? Take care.”
“You sound like a mom,” is the first thing Jay says to Heeseung when he flops on the couch beside him.
“He didn’t want to hurt you, you know?”
Ah, Jay forgot that Heeseung wasn’t the type to sugarcoat things either. Heeseung scoots closer to Jay and puts an arm around him.
“Who? Jungwon? Sunoo? Jake? Sunghoon?”
Heeseung snorts, “All of them but I was talking about Jake and stop dragging my boyfriend’s name in this! My Hoonie never did anything to you.”
Jay gags, but his mood has been much lighter since he ran all the way here. Jay wants to retort with a smart comeback but decides against it. Sunghoon and Heeseung had been his pillars for a long, long time. They deserve honesty. With a heavy sigh, Jay leans his weight backwards so that they both sink into the soft cushions.
“I know,” Jay whispers.
He worries that talking too loud will make the shake in his voice evident.
“I know. God, he can’t even cook and he made me pancakes you know? It’s sweet.”
Silence blankets them. But this silence is different. It's an unspoken promise of, I’ll wait until you’ve found your words and decide to pour them into my awaiting arms. It’s nice. Heeseung is nice. Sunghoon is nice. Jake is nice, and Ni-ki is too. And Jungwon. And Sunoo. It feels like his thoughts will always wander to them.
“I know he doesn’t want to hurt me, hyung.” Jay stares at the ceiling.
“But it still hurts and it will hurt. I know this. Everyone knows this. You have to feel the heartbreak in order to move past it.”
“Then why won’t you let yourself feel it?”
Jay turns to look at Heeseung. There is no malice in his eyes, just a soft knowing look.
Five years ago Heeseung was the one who helped him put his heart together. After the whole shitshow of exes and cheating and crying for months on end, Heeseung was still there. This time too, Jay knows that Heeseung will still wait for him to heal again, and would help him wield his shattered pieces into something prettier. It is why with confidence Jay can unashamedly tell Heeseung that,
“I still love Jungwon.”
His voice breaks and his heart shatters completely. After so many heart stopping moments and shy longing glances, saying it outloud for the first time in three years, it feels even more real now. And that’s because it is real. And it hurts. Jay cries on Heeseung’s chest again that day.
★
Friday. Jay falls off the couch due to Sunghoon’s loud screaming. A loud shit! resonated throughout the whole house. Jay groans as he lays there on the wooden floor, accepting of his tragic fate.
First, the love of his life went off to marry a much better, prettier princess and now, death due to some shitty clown’s high pitched scream. Oh, what a way to die, at the hands of your own friends.
“Get up.” The clown says, poking Jay’s ribs with his cold toes.
“Disgusting!” Jay latches onto his leg, causing Sunghoon to, again wail, and fall on top of him.
“Help me hyung!”
“I’m the victim!”
Sunghoon accidentally knees Jay in the crotch while trying to get up. Jay immediately pulls him down and starts wrestling him. The winner is of course, Heeseung, who came from the kitchen to check on them and gave them a deathly stare. It works every time like a charm. The winner brings the clown and tragic man to eat breakfast.
“Pass me the ketchup,” Sunghoon talks with his mouth full and Jay makes sure to let everyone know how disgusted he is by pulling the most grossed out face.
Heeseung rolls his eyes but still helps him pour ketchup on the side of his plates, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead when he gets up to get milk from the fridge. Jay looks away.
Jay loves them, loves them being in love. But sometimes it's a painful reminder of something he never had, and at this point, probably never will.
“How are you?”
The question caught Jay off-guard, it’s the first time someone asked him that in the span of two days and Jay is absolutely a softie for the bare minimum. He looks at both his friends, in love, and so happy, so sure. He owes them honesty for all the denial he did the past three years. An unspoken secret among everyone except for Jungwon. You know the poem by Sarah Kay and Phul Kaye, when love arrives? The line that goes, like an amateur magician, everyone could see the trapdoor but me.
God, Jungwon.
“I could make a banner with neon lights, and write hey i like you so much and he still wouldn’t notice it.”
They both nod at Jay; it doesn’t answer the question but it is something.
“Maybe,” Heeseung starts gently. “Maybe he doesn’t see all those signs..”
Jay knows where this is heading. To hell, of course.
“Because he doesn’t want to?”
Sunghoon winces at the statement but Heeseung remains head-strong. Ever the adult.
“Because he never saw that potential in you.”
Sunghoon looks pale at the statement and Jay? Jay wishes his friends would stop being such realists.
They finish their breakfast in silence. Heeseung switches the topic about an up-coming event by the Liberal Arts faculty and how there’s a dance competition that he wants to enter. Sunghoon pretends to be interested in listening to Heeseung rant about his Art History classes and Jay tries his best not to fall apart.
★
The first time Jay figured out he had feelings for someone, he was fifteen and he almost had a panic attack. He had called Heeseung and cried for hours, cradling his phone between his palms and sending a silent prayer to any entity out there, to please end him. Heeseung had laughed and called him overdramatic.
But Heeseung doesn’t understand. Jay doesn’t want to fit into someone’s idea of love, he wants to be loved without fitting into someone’s idea, he just wants to be loved. Jay knows he’s ruined for life.
★
When Sunghoon drops him off at the dormitory again, he gives Jay a tight hug.
“You can come over anytime.”
“It’s not your house, it’s hyung’s.”
Jay prides himself in not crying in public (this time around).
Sunghoon breaks into laughter and pats Jay on the shoulder once more for good measure.
When he enters his shared room dorm, Jake is sitting on the couch. He immediately gets up and in three long strides, pulls Jay into a hug. Goodie , Jay thinks, hug Sad Jay Day .
“I’m sorry.” Jake sounds so sincere that it breaks Jay a little.
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault.” except my own, but Jay doesn’t say that.
Just as the ‘I love Jungwon’ has gone unsaid for three years.
That night, Jay falls asleep between Jake and Ni-ki, both who refuse to leave him alone the whole day. Jay pretends it doesn’t hurt a little bit more when Jake and Ni-ki intertwine their hands on his stomach. Pretends he doesn’t want that kind of love too.
★
Life has a way of throwing you for a loop. On Saturday morning, Jay opens the door to find Sunoo with a box of donuts, smiling sheepishly.
Jay could feel his heart speeding up, and he wants to pull out his hair and ask what the actual fucking hell is going on? But decides against it. He welcomes Sunoo in, to a just-as-surprised Jake and flees to their bedroom with the excuse of washing his face.
“What the fuck.”
The face staring back at him in the mirror does not answer. Jay stares back at his reflection, his tired eyes, his red nose, pink cheeks, dry lips. Maybe he can pass it off as a cold? He can be quite a convincing actor, at least that’s what his mom says. Before he can drown in his musings, the door creaks open and this time a concerned Jake greets him.
“You okay?”
Jay swallows his spit, his throat feels dry and he feels so vulnerable and naked right now and please, please tell me Sunoo already went back.
It must have shown on his face because Jake gives him a sad look and says, “He wants to talk to you.”
“And I wanna throw up! How fun!” Jay throws his hand up because God, really?
“Jungwon’s worried.”
It doesn’t matter how many times Jay has heard his name, it has always, always made his heart stutter. Hope is an angry ghost haunting Jay. Jay stomps it down. Jungwon is not his, he is not Jungwon’s. The reminder still stings.
“You haven’t replied to him or gone on a rampage on twitter, he was worried you were in one of your slumps again.”
Jay wants to bang his head on the wall, wants to scream, stop being so nice to me!!! Let me hate you! Don’t care about silly ol’ me who has been in love with you for the past three years!!
Instead Jay sighs, puts on a fake smile and goes out to greet Sunoo.
★
The worst part of the whole ordeal is that Sunoo genuinely is a good person. He’s cute and pretty, down to earth and an absolutely sweetheart. He’s so lovable. And as Jay forces himself to lie (‘Oh! I lost my phone! I was busy with my submissions but hey congrats! Tell Wonnie I’ll text back once everything slows down.) and make small talk, he could see why Jungwon fell for Sunoo.
It is entirely too heartbreaking.
★
Jay vows to move on from Jungwon as soon as Sunoo left, leaving a trace of his perfume behind when he hugged Jay (isn’t that even more cruel? There is no spiteful bone in Sunoo and Jay can’t bring himself to blame Jungwon for loving someone so beautiful). And of course after crying in Jake’s arms for an hour.
But heartbreak is like that and Jay knows this from a lesson five years ago. It will linger, and it will jump you at the most random moments and it will hurt. It will hurt and then would not but then it’ll hurt again. It is a progress to heal, you do not have to be okay always, you can fall back and cry but still move forward. It can still hurt and that’s okay.
Jay knows this really well.
★
The first thing Jay does is try to make a list. Because that is what totally normal people do. Except that, everytime he finishes a list, it just seems wrong.
“You can’t make a to-do list Jay-ah,” Jake had tutted at him and stole his pen and notebook.
He wrote down ways to get over your heartbreak: 1) try to get over him.
He hands the notebook back to Jay and pats his head gently.
“See, you’re already on the first step.”
Jay just looks at him blankly. Jake rolls his eyes and taps the page.
“Each time you do something to get over him, you write it down. Next thing you know, you’ve already moved on!”
“Okay…”
Jay is hesitant but Jake looks like he just discovered the secrets of the universe that Jay felt bad if he didn’t see it through.
★
By Sunday, Jay had managed to add one more to the list and cried himself to sleep once more.
- try to get over him
- try harder
★
Jay is eighteen. He had come home from a friend-date, it’s not a date no matter how much Heeseung teases him for it. Because Jay and Yudai are just friends - no matter how nervous Yudai makes him, no matter how much Jay craves to hold his hand and say, hey, want to be more than just best friends?
The first thing he hears when he opens the door is his father’s screaming and his mom firing right back.
In his head, Jay calls it ‘the never ending war’, the constant firing of missiles that never seem to hit the target but leaves everything damaged all the same. Jay wonders if they keep score of each other or lost count the first hundred times, but he never asks.
He climbs the stairs to his room, lays in bed, school uniform and all, then closes his eyes so he can pretend that his parents never fought, that they still share the same bed, that his classmates don’t ask him ‘Your parents can’t make it today too?’ every record card day, pretends that Yudai likes him back.
Jay pretends to understand the warmth of a home, of a wall lined up with happy photographs.
★
Jay is twenty-two. Number three on the list happened on Monday, as Jay was busy avoiding Jungwon and refusing to eat lunch. The one place Jungwon would never step on campus is the art studio, simply because he couldn’t draw or paint, hence, have no business being there. Jungwon is practical like that, he doesn’t waste his time on things he can’t do. And he doesn’t waste his love on people he doesn't want to be with, his mind helpfully supplies.
“Jay hyung!”
Ni-ki, the other light and joy of his life, the apple to his eyes, sweet, sweet Ni-ki runs up to him with a big grin.
“What do you think?” Ni-ki blinks coyly at Jay, and it was only then that Jay noticed the blonde strands in his hair.
“You dyed your hair?”
“Yeah! By myself too!” Ni-ki bends down a little to let Jay pat his hair. “Doesn’t it look good?”
And the answer is yes. Even more surprising is that his hair still feels as fluffy as ever. Jay hums to himself as he tugs at the blonde strands.
Absent-mindedly Jay says, “I’ve never dyed my hair before.”
The way Ni-ki immediately stands up straight and laces his hands gleefully should’ve already been a bad omen, but then again, Jay had never been good at reading the signs. Like how he didn’t notice the way Jungwon’s type revolved around small petite pretty men, and how Jungwon hated matchy things but bought matching shoes with Sunoo anyway. Maybe, just maybe, Jungwon isn’t the only one who wouldn’t see neon light sign boards.
“Hyung” Ni-ki widens his eyes comically and juts out his bottom lip.
“No.” is the immediate response.
“I haven’t even asked you yet!”
The pout deepens with an added bonus of furrowed eyebrows and while Jake may be a total sucker for Ni-ki, Jay can’t say that he’s that far off either.
Jay gives Ni-ki one last look and when his cutesy expression doesn’t falter, Jay knows he’s doomed for whatever hell Ni-ki will bring.
★
Turns out hell hurts as much as letting an amateur bleach your hair does. And Satan doesn’t make good on his promises.
“Nishimura Riki.”
“I’M SORRY!” out comes the crocodile tears.
But Jay is less soft this time around, especially when he makes eye contact with himself in the mirror. He throws his head back and lets out the ugliest shriek he could muster. So what if people from outside the studio heard him? It can’t be as embarrassing as walking around campus with green hair and a damaged scalp. He hopes everyone hears him scream and accuse Ni-ki of murder, Jay may not be dead but this should be considered a crime.
After a minute of silence, Jay raises his head from the spinning chair and sees Ni-ki’s guilty expression. It reminds him of a younger version of himself, teary-eyed and always curious - about the universe, about the stars, the sea, about Yudai, about Jungwon.
Jay can see the tears welling up in the younger’s eyes and knows that these are genuine. Ni-ki only gets quiet when he’s truly upset. The kid is cutest when he doesn’t intend to. Also, olive green isn’t that bad of a colour on him. (There are lies you have to tell yourself in order to live.) There are worse things in the world, such as being in love with your friend’s boyfriend.
Jay sighs out loud. Well at least he can brag to Jake that he updated his list today.
3. dye your hair blue, or at least try to. fail miserably and walk around campus with an outrageous shade of green on your head
“It’s fine.”
Jay beckons Ni-ki closer and in a moment of uncertainty, before he could doubt himself any longer, he wraps his arms around Ni-ki’s waist. He tells himself that this is for Ni-ki, not himself, that Ni-ki is the one who needs constant physical touch.
A pair of slim arms circle his head and press him closer. The material of Ni-ki’s hoodie feels soft and comforting. Like how a mother’s kiss would feel like, probably. Jay wouldn’t know.
“I’m sorry.”
Jay hides a smile and hums, letting Ni-ki find his next words.
“Jake hyung said you were still sad.”
Jay internally exhales loudly, so loud Jay was afraid it could actually be heard. Jake and his big dumb mouth.
“Hyung, I was so worried when you cried that day. I’ve never seen you so…” Ni-ki trails off but the squeeze at his nape says enough.
“Vulnerable? Upset? Crazy?”
“Yeah… all of that.”
“I’m not crazy.” Jay says with no humour.
But something in Jay melts a little. If this was five years ago, he would’ve snapped and yelled, wouldn’t have cared if his anger hurt were like time bombs to the people around him, wouldn’t have realised that sometimes all your friends want to do is try and help you with their bestest intentions, yet sometimes still fail. You can’t be a lone soldier fighting in a war and you don’t always win.
“I’ll be alright,” Jay whispers in return “Maybe not today or tomorrow, but I will be.”
★
Jay comes back Tuesday night hand in hand with Ni-ki and when Jake opens the door, he doubles over in laughter. Everyone on campus probably knew about his green hair that night thanks to Jake’s instagram story. Don’t forget to eat your veggies kids, the caption read.
Jay pretends his heart doesn’t stutter when he sees the notification from Jungwon on Jake’s screen. It must have shown on his face because Jake pats his shoulder reassuringly.
“He’s just worried, you’ve never dyed your hair before.” Jake gives him a small smile. “You’re still his friend you know.”
And Jay wants to scream, but I don't want to be just a friend to him , he wants to find Jungwon so he could jab his finger at his chest and say if i cant have all of you, I don't want any of you! Because I love like a loser, wholeheartedly, devotedly, like some stupid stuck up broken hearted little kid who doesn’t know anything except the curve of the alphabet when I write your name.
Jay pretends to be sleepy by 8PM so he could cry himself to sleep. When he wakes up, he’s sandwiched between two lanky bodies. Ocean Vuong wrote, ‘Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you’ve been ruined.’
Jay thinks he finally understands what that means.
★
Jay finishes all his assignments in two days. By Thursday he has nothing to distract him anymore. He eyes Jake’s cough syrup guiltily, if he downed the whole bottle, he could probably sleep the remaining weeks of the semester away.
“Jay hyung.”
And Jay could recognise that voice anywhere, in an ocean of strangers or in a crowd of familiar names - there will always be one person who stands out. There, standing by his bedroom door is the last person he wants to see. Not now at least, not when he still hasn’t manage to smudge the traces of his love flowing through every fibre of his being; from his pores, the calluses on his feet, every strand of hair, Jay hasn’t managed to forget how Jungwon’s roughs hand could be so gentle.
“Hyung.”
Jay swallows the sudden dryness in his throat, pretending this is all some fever dream. It’s only Thursday goddammit, leave me alone . His head spins and the small voice is urging him to say something quick! before you ruin everything, before he finds out your dirty rotten secret .
(The love Jay has for Jungwon is not rotten.)
“Jungwon?”
Oh no, his voice sounds too fond even to his own ears.
“Are you okay?” Jungwon pushes the door open wider, taking sure steps towards where Jay lies in his coffin of tears made of soft pillows and plush blankets.
Jay’s heart does a waltz and starts tap dancing immediately. Jay wants to throw up from the irregular rhythm, pretending it’s just a terrible case of motion sickness.
“I have a cold.” Jay blurts out.
Jungwon pauses in the middle of the room. Awkwardly, Jay clears his throat and tries to muster his acting skills.
“I don’t want you to catch it Won.”
Jungwon’s eyes soften and Jay absolutely hates the way his chest feels lighter at that. How he wishes that look will only be reserved for him alone. He despises how easy his heart is, despises how easy it is to breathe around Jungwon.
“I can stay here with you if you want.”
“No,” I want you to want me, I want you to want to stay, instead Jay says, “I’ll be alright.”
Jungwon opens his mouth but his phone chimes, and Jay can tell who’s texting him just by the way his smile gets wider, how his whole body seems to visibly relax. By how happy he looks.
“Sunoo?”
Jungwon startles a bit and pockets his phone with a shy smile. Jay feels faint.
“Yeah sorry,” Jungwon dips his chin down a bit in a nervous gesture.
“Everything is still so new, I’m scared I’m going to mess it up somehow.”
Jay feels all the air inside his lung evaporate. His eyes feel hot. His throat burns with bile from not being able to stomach his own love. Jay can’t find it in himself to reassure Jungwon. It would be obvious, too obvious, the way his voice will shake from the force of holding back all his affection.
“Hyung?”
Jungwon looks concerned but all Jay can do is send a slow nod his way.
Jungwon furrows his brows and hesitantly continues on.
“I’m going to go now okay? Call me if you need anything. You should stop overworking yourself.”
And Jay wants to, wants more than anything else to stop Jungwon from leaving, from seeing Sunoo, from falling any deeper in love with Sunoo. Instead, he waves Jungwon off with a smile he doesn’t feel and flops back on his bed. He can feel the wetness on his cheeks before he even realises he’s crying.
Jay turns off his phone and prays sleep will come to him quickly. It doesn’t.
When Jake returns, it’s dark outside and Jay has finished binge watching all seasons of Brooklyn-9-9. He greets Jake with red swollen eyes and an empty tub of Chocolate Fudge ice-cream. Jake eyes Jay warily and gingerly sits beside Jay on the bed. He cringes at the stain of chocolate on Jay’s blanket but still lets Jay lean on his shoulder.
“Someone seems cheerful today.”
“Jungwon came over.”
The way Jake’s head snapped to the right so fast would’ve been comical any other day.
“Jay…”
Heartbreak to Park Jongseong, sounds exactly like his best friend calling his name in a soft whisper. Hopeless.
★
Friday morning, Jake wakes him up with so much fake enthusiasm that Jay had actually debated on calling an exorcist. Maybe this isn’t Jake, maybe this is a ghost of the previous tenant, trying to steal his life. They do say that negative thoughts attract the dead. And well , Jay definitely has a bunch of negative thoughts.
All thoughts of ghosts fly out the window when Jake starts pulling at his blankets. No ghost could ever be this annoying, Jay thinks to himself.
“Hurry up!”
Definitely not a ghost for sure.
“Where are we going?”
Jay stretches his arms above his head and rubs at his eyes. Jake throws their curtain wide open and the glaring sun smiles down at them.
“Fuck, close the curtains you dipshit.”
“No way! You’ll just go back to sleep!” Jake pulls at his arms and practically carries him to their bathroom.
“Vitamin D is good for you, you know,” Jake continues to nag.
“That’s not vitamin D thats fucking skin cancer!”
“Hush!” Jake slams the door of the bathroom in his face.
Over the thick wooden door Jay can hear Jake saying something that suspiciously sounds like a kidnapping.
“Your best buddy and his boyfriend are going to take you out on an adventure!”
★
Jay isn’t sure why Jake thought third-wheeling would be good for him. He watches Jake and Ni-ki hurl out the lyrics to The Rose’s Back To Me. How they can be so happy belting out such sad lyrics, Jay isn’t sure he wants to know. They probably sold their sanity to the devil.
“Oh! Oh , this is my favourite song.” Ni-ki giggles to himself.
From his place at the backseat, Jay can see the adoring glance Jake gives Ni-ki.
“Yeah?”
Jake says it loud enough for everyone in the car but it feels like a private conversation between them. Jay wants to look away, but then, Ni-ki looks up to stare at the side of Jake’s face and the love you could practically feel oozing out of his smile renders Jay speechless.
What did Jake’s jawline ever do to deserve that kind of stare? Jay wants to stomp his foot and throw a tantrum like a toddler. The next song plays and-
“Last Kiss? Really?” Jay complains.
“It’s a good song!” Ni-ki defends, and Jake immediately agrees with him.
Ni-ki could probably roll around in mud and Jake would still be in love with him, so it’s pretty biassed.
“All her songs are good actually.” Ni-ki corrects himself, and bursts into little giggles when Jake immediately replies with an enthusiastic ‘yeah!’
Something ugly ties his stomach into knots, something green with envy coils around his gut. Jay manages to look away this time.
But now I’ll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don’t know
How to be something you miss.
Jay exhales sharply, fuck Taylor Swift and her lyric writing capabilities. Because now all Jay can remember is how Jungwon told him that his favourite Taylor Swift song is Sparks Fly, two years ago. Laying side by side pressed together. Jungwon was still experimenting with different hair dyes and at that time it was an obnoxious pink. Jay remembers how their friends used to call Jungwon the walking highlighter due to his unique choice of hair dye.
Jungwon had whispered it to him like it was some sacred oath, as if the thought of anyone else hearing the confession would ruin his life. Jay smiles a bit at the memory. Jungwon used to be so scared of everything. Scared that no one would like him for who he is. If only he knew that Jay had chosen to shove his heart into Jungwon’s unwilling hands the first time Jay heard him laugh. Just then, his cruel mind conjures up the picture of Jungwon singing the line 'Cause I see sparks fly, whenever you smile at Sunoo like he used to playfully serenade to Jay and everything just hurts . How can such a happy song sound so tragic.
So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
Jay probably can’t have sleepovers with Jungwon anymore. Isn’t it so weird how one person can throw everything off the rails? (Deep down, Jay knows it has never been Sunoo’s fault.)
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.
He can’t be a friend to Jungwon, not now. But how long will it take to be friends again? How can you call yourself a friend and secretly wish his heart would break? Could they still be friends? Suddenly, Jay is unsure. Of anything, of everything. Where does Jay stand in Jungwon’s life? Before his thoughts spiral, he leans forward and snatches the phone out of Ni-ki’s hand.
“Hey!” Ni-ki reaches his arm back but Jay slaps it away.
“My turn,” Jay taps on Illicit Affairs “Let’s sing our hearts out.”
Jay mentally notes to himself to add this to his list.
4. scream your heart out to taylor swift songs
★
I hope I never lose you
Hope it never ends
I’d never walk Cornelia Street again
Twenty-five Taylor Swift songs later, Jake finally stops the car.
“That’s the kind of heartbreak time could never-”
Jay is cut off as the engine dies. Ni-ki, who had sung along to every song with him, looked like he wanted to argue about shutting off the engine in the middle of their karaoke but stops himself when he looks up.
The beach is breath-taking.
The white sand, free of any footsteps, any memories of other strangers being here. The place where the horizon meets the sky blends seamlessly together, the perfect colour of blue. The wind in his hair, the clouds hanging over them like white fluffy cotton - and suddenly - it’s like Jay can breathe again. For a moment, there is nothing else. Except the blue, yellow and white hues of the beach.
There is no heartbreak. No Sunoo. No Jungwon. No desperate pining for three years. (Lies. There will always be Jungwon. Always.)
“You like it?”
Jay turns to find Jake standing behind him, the wind blows a gentle breeze their way, a push into a new direction. The waves crashing on the shore, the faraway sails.
“Yeah, I like it.” For the first time in a long while, Jay meant what he said.
★
“You’re on number five?”
Heeseung peeks from behind Jay’s shoulder. Jake had dropped Jay off at Heeseung’s house after their short trip. He and Ni-ki wore matching looks of worry but Jay reassured them that he just missed hanging out with Heeseung and by extension, Sunghoon.
He doesn’t tell them that he wants to sleep on his own, he doesn’t want to make them think he hates it, or them. Because intimacy is nice, affection is nice, tenderness is nice. But Jay feared that if anyone touched him so gently again, he might burn and die. At least that’s how it feels like.
5. be alone and think someday someone will see the sea with me and actually get excited
“That’s cute.”
Heeseung nods approvingly.
“Right?”
Jay smiles down at his notebook, tracing the doodle of stars he scattered across the page.
“I think,” Jay looks over at Heeseung, “Jake could take Ni-ki to a sewage treatment plant and the kid would still be happy.”
Heeseung cackles and something pink blossoms inside Jay. Something feathery light and pretty, a reminder of the love his friends have for him. A reminder that there are people who wake up and choose to love him. Jay pretends that there is a garden of tulips blooming and finds himself laughing too.
“It’s not going to places that make him happy.” Heeseung tells him when their laughter had died down.
“It’s love that makes him happy.”
★
6. cut ties and fail at doing so because he’s your best friend but it hurts and claw at the walls of your heart
Throughout the weekend, Jay repeats the cycle of deleting his social media then reactivating it. After the eighth time, his twitter account temporarily locks him out and Sunghoon threatens to come over and spray deodorant into his eyes after the third failed attempt to send memes to his instagram account.
Jay vaguely remembers daring Sunghoon to chuck a whole bottle of mouthwash during highschool, and also vaguely remembers bringing Sunghoon to the nurse’s office when he got a stomach ache afterwards.
Jay deletes Jungwon's number for a total of two hours before he changes his mind and desperately scrolls through his texts, to make sure it’s still there, still salvageable.
He hopes their friendship will be the same too.
★
7. write poems for him and burn all of them in hopes the smell of smoke would drown his perfume
The first poem Jay unearthed was actually one he wrote years ago, when he first started to nurse a crush on Jungwon. Jay remembers the exact moment, remembers Sunghoon cracking the worst joke to ever exist. Remember yelling at Sunghoon to shut up.
And Jay remembers in perfect vision, how Jungwon threw his head back and laughed - how his eyes scrunched and his teeth glimmered like perfect pearls. How he looked at Jay like he hung the stars and lull the sun to sleep on hot summer days. He looked like someone worth loving. Worth choosing.
Jay never tells a single soul about it except for the sticky note he had haphazardly shove between the pages.
the stars scattered across the universe just to be able to get a glimpse of you,
and i, i think i could watch you for a lifetime.
Somehow, re-reading it after all this time, running his fingers down the lines of his handwriting and smoothing down the crumpled paper - feels like being brought back to the exact moment.
To warm nights under shared blankets, every single time Jungwon had looked at him, tilt his head and say ‘Thank you’; he might’ve been expressing his gratitude but Jay, fool that he is, hears an ‘i love you’ instead.
Jay pictures Sunoo, sees him in bird's eye view, fluttering his eyelashes at Jungwon, his soft lips curving a perfect smile it would put Aphrodite to shame.
Suddenly the room feels colder than ever before.
★
i need to get rid of the idea of loving you completes me.
loving you could never fill the void - never did, never will.
what has been empty from the start will always remain empty.
you cannot fix a part that had never been there from the very beginning.
iii. please dont make yourself comfortable nestling in the corners of my heart
where i hide the shameful parts of myself, where i tuck my secrets to sleep
in hopes they stay dead.
please dont make yourself a room
filled with pieces of me that never seem to fit.
filled with anguish paintings and red streaks.
please dont make me love you
more than i can give
more than im worthy to receive.
iv. between the lines of every fairytale,
between the worn out pages of a fable,
in between the universe and fate,
i had loved you for a million lives, a million times.
and sometimes when i close my eyes,
when the void embraces my heart
i pretend that you love me back.
Jay rips all the pages to shreds and wishes he didn’t waste all that ink writing bullshit, wishes he didn’t waste all his love on someone who didn’t look at him twice.
The sticky note remains stuck between the pages. Jay pretends to not see the obnoxious pink square, pretends he didn’t choose that exact colour because it reminds him of Jungwon three years ago.
★
On Tuesday, Jay adds another line to his list.
8. pretend you never fell in love in the first place
With the way Jake’s eyes soften when he spots Jay watching Jaws with tears in his eyes and a tub of vanilla ice-cream in his arm, he doesn’t think he succeeded that well.
His mother is a liar, Jay couldn’t lie for the life of him.
★
Wednesday and Thursday go by without a hitch. Jay goes to his classes, eats his lunch with Ni-ki at the art studio and Sunghoon walks him to his dormitory. Jay isn’t a child, or anyone that needs protecting, but knowing that at least someone cares that much about him fills him to the brim with warmth, like drinking hot chocolate on a cold day.
But sadness has a certain fondness for a certain Park Jongseong. It creeps behind him and wraps its slimy tendrils across his arms, running all the way down to his chest. Sadness seeps into his heart slowly, unknowingly. Healing, moving on, had never been a linear line.
Jay wakes on Friday with an unexplainable ache in his heart. Across the room, Jake is still dozing, soft snores leaving his lips. Outside, grey clouds gather and Jay can see the brown leaves being swept in the air. The atmosphere makes his heart ten times heavier, weighing it down like a siren drowning her prey.
Jay walks to class alone, doesn’t talk to anyone in class and skips lunch. Ni-ki shoots him a worried text that Jay half-assedly replies to. It is proof that he is cared for but if anyone touched him right now, Jay would burn, would burst into flames and go up in ashes. He feels like he could vanish in an instant.
nishimura chan (>‿◠)✌: jayyie hyungggg
nishimura chan (>‿◠)✌: where r u :(
Jongseongie hyungie 🎉: sori got work to do kid. hope u had a good meal!!
Jay ignores Sunghoon’s text asking him when his class ends and goes on about his day. Sunghoon is anything but relenting, and his phone buzzes throughout the next hour. Jay grits his teeth and tries to tell himself that it’s not Sunghoon’s fault he feels extra snappy but boy, is Sunghoon on thin ice.
hoon-hoon ☃: pick you up at 4.
In his head, Jay throws his phone to the wall and watches it explode to pieces, in his head, Jungwon is sad, unwell and misses him too, misses him so much it hurts.
Jay blinks at his phone screen. He sees his reflection, sees the pure want in his eyes and leaves the lecture hall.
He isn’t sure whether he regrets skipping class or not, when he sees the heavy rain outside the building. There’s no one in sight and Jay never brings an umbrella with him. Sunghoon does, (Heeseung forced him to.) However, as circumstances are, Jay refuses to even look at his contact name.
“Fuck it.”
Fuck me, Jay soon realises not even a minute after walking in the rain. He is only ten steps out but he’s soaked to the bottom of his shoes. When he takes the next step, he cringes at the feeling of his wet sock sticking to his heel.
“Fuck fuck fuck ,” Jay is close to bursting into tears.
Jay just wants to curl up in the middle of his bed and cry his eyes out. He misses Heeseung, misses the easy silence, he misses the stray cats at his house back in town, misses the orange kitty that would snuggle up to him every chance it gets, Jay misses hanging out with everyone, misses eating together, misses the company, misses Jungwon, misses Jungwon and misses Jungwon.
He misses feeling important to Jungwon. Jay only exists when he’s wanted. And right now, Jay feels like a childhood bear left to rot in a toy box.
Its Friday for god’s sake, and Jay is standing in the middle of the rain, unmoving, cold raindrops slide down his head, between his shoulder blades, seeping into his clothes, his bags, his pockets, his shoes - Jay can feel grief pooling in his eyes, feel the heat as they slide down and join the cold ones caressing his cheeks.
He stands there, a mix of torture and relief, confusion and numbness.
“Jay!”
Jay isn’t sure how long he stands there but when he looks up Sunghoon is running up to him, his eyes are wide with surprise and he’s holding the tacky Pororo umbrella Ni-ki gifted him two christmases ago in one hand, the other reaching into his pocket.
“Fuck, you’re wet.”
Any other day and Jay would’ve made a snide remark or at least retorted back with a ‘That’s what she said’, but Sunghoon pulls out a tissue and Jay can’t help the laugh bubbling to the surface. He is soaked to the bones and Sunghoon is handing him a tissue. Fucking hilarious.
He’s so fucking depressed, he misses everything, wants Jungwon to love him, miss him and here Sunghoon stands in all his six feet glory, panicking over a soaking wet Park Jongseong. Jay isn’t sure to laugh or cry. To his ears, he is laughing but he knows himself well enough, has looked at his own face for twenty-two years, he knows he can't hide shit from Sunghoon.
“You dumbass,” Sunghoon pulls him under the umbrella and in the midst of all the chaos, pulls him into his arms.
“We were worried,” Sunghoon whispers in his ear. “We were so worried.”
Sunghoon feels warm. There is a high possibility that they’ll both catch a cold afterwards, and Jay knows this, knows it’s stupid to get Sungoon cold and wet, but he brings his arms up and hugs Sunghoon just as fiercely.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
Jay cries harder. They didn't catch a cold but Heeseung yelled at them for twenty minutes straight before forcing them into warm clothes and making them drink warm tea. Jay falls asleep on the couch that night, his head in Heeseung’s lap and his feet on Sunghoon’s lap.
9. remember him. cry about him under the rain until your concerned best friend tells you to get inside
★
It was nice. For a long, long while, it was very nice. Hyper fixating on someone made Jongseong feel normal, and that was nice. It was easy, way too easy, to just - watch Jungwon from afar and adore him.
It was easy to make up these sweet little scenarios in his head where Jungwon likes him back and they hold hands around campus. Pretending had always been nice. It kept Jongseong sane and happy. The idea of someone fitting into his mould of love and him fitting into someone else’s arms just right - it was nice.
What isn’t nice is Jungwon actually approaching him, Jungwon actually wanting to be friends with him and hanging out with him. What isn’t nice and is the worst part of it all - Jungwon fits Jongseong’s mould of “someone i want to love” to a tee.
What isn’t so nice is that Jungwon doesn’t like him. Not like that, not the way he wants to be liked. And it hurts.
★
Saturday. On the next day, semester break officially began, and it rained again. Grey clouds hang over the town like a curse, and Jay entertains the thoughts of having superpower and manifesting bad weather. It’s easier to pretend, it’s way too easy.
Jay was busy trying to shove all his clothes into a small luggage when a knock at the door broke him out of his reverie.
“Give me a minute!”
Jay coughs into his fist, a sign of worse days to come. He’ll have time to nurse his immunity later, when he’s away from here. Anywhere but here. To the place that held witness to his pathetic crush, to the place that can testify how his feelings tripled in size.
“Did you leave your keys again?” Jay yells at the door before twisting the knob. He hadn't managed to open it all the way when a hand reached out for him.
Despite the roughness of the hand, it held his wrist in a gentle hold. Jay stares at the long fingers grasping his own before looking up.
“Jungwon.”
Time stands still. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Right Where You Left me plays.
Friends break up, friends get married
“Jay hyung.”
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
“I need you.”
Just like that, Jay finds himself with his arms full of one sad drenched Yang Jungwon. It feels surreal, to be able to hold Jungwon close in his arms. He wonders if this looked like a repeat of yesterday with Sunghoon, but with reversed positions. (The answer is no. Sunghoon does not look at Jay like he embodies the word love, but Jay looks at Jungwon and the whole world knows. It’s a wonder how Jungwon never found out, still hasn’t found out.)
What about Sunoo? He wants to ask, but resists. Because Sunoo doesn’t need to know this, doesn’t want this moment to end just yet. Not when it’s been so long, not when it takes Jungwon close to tears to come running back to him. He feels like an option. (But the truth is that even if Sunoo didn’t exist, it still wouldn’t have been Jongseong.)
Trends change, rumours fly through new skies
Jay walks them to his bed, letting Jungwon shove his head in between the crook of his neck and soak his favourite hoodie with rain water. Jay would stand still in the storm if Jungwon wanted him to. When did he get so tall? even taller than him? It feels like distance makes you see a person in a different light, even if the person was, is , your own best friend.
“We had a fight.”
It took a moment for Jay to understand what Jungwon meant. Small droplets of water hang by the strands of his hair before dripping down onto his sheets.
“I walked out, fuck,” Jay could feel how Jungwon’s hands tremble, clutching to the front of his hoodie like a lifeline. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
The sound of sobbing breaks the silence of the room. Outside the door, a storm is brewing - the winds of change have sailed, and have brought Jungwon here.
Jay thinks back to all the times Jungwon had come back from a bad date, the temporary happiness he felt, knowing he is the person Jungwon needs in moments of vulnerability. He presses himself closer to Jungwon, trapping only heat in between their bodies.
“It’s okay,” Jay whispers in his ear, small gentle hands rubbing the back of his navy tee.
Jay thinks back to how happy Jungwon looked every time he got back from walking with Sunoo. To how Sunoo’s pretty fingers fit Jungwon’s long ones perfectly. Jay thinks of his mother, married to a man she can barely admit to love, thinks back to his grandmother’s soft smile staring at memories trapped in a picture. Jake holds Ni-ki with gentle steady hands, in return Ni-ki texts him a bunch of cringey texts stringed with heart and fire emojis. Sunghoon tried to bake a cake on his first year anniversary with Heeseung, it was horrible and tasted like charcoal. Heeseung finishes the cake anyway, and ends up getting food poisoning.
But I'm right where you left me
“I think,” Jay is surprised at how steady his voice sounded, he softly exhales and reaches for both of Jungwon’s hands, unfolding them with tenderness he didn’t know he had in him. He squeezes Jungwon’s hands, once for reassurance, twice for comfort and a third time just because. His breathing sounds ragged, like desperate prayers clutching at the sleeves of a priest, a last favour, one last whisper.
“When you love someone Jungwon, it doesn’t matter how much they hurt you or how much you hurt them, intentionally or not. The good, the bad, the flaws, whatever it is that makes someone someone, you love all of it. You love all the mismatched pieces of their heart. To love is to lose, but not all losses make you feel like a loser. If you want to love someone, if you choose to love someone, love them like a loser would.”
Like I do.
“Sunoo still loved you when you walked out that door” I love you, i love you, i love you.
Jay tries for a smile, finds it easier than he expected.
“He’ll love you all the same when you walk back in.” I love you Yang Jungwon.
Jungwon’s dark eyes bore into Jay’s soul. It feels like he could see right through everything, his heart, his mind, his secrets. And for one foolish second Jay hoped that Jungwon could. Could see the flash of hopelessness and hopefulness all at once, could see the nights spent waiting up for him to return from his blind dates empty-handed, could see the stars Jay would handpick for him each and every night. For one foolish second, Jay hoped it could still be him.
But to be human is to be wrong.
“Thank you hyung.”
The heat from Jungwon’s palms slips through his fingertips as Jungwon pulls away with a smile on his face. He gives Jay a thumbs up and over the sound of his steady and sure footsteps running in the direction of Sunoo’s dormitory, Jay can hear his own heart shatter.
I'm right where you left me.
10. try again