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There is something to be said about minimally-scripted schedules like the one they just had, where just the right mix of all the members’ innate charms and comedic chaos could overwhelm the entire set with laughter that goes on long after the director wraps up filming. Younghoon could have sworn that at least one PD-nim and three writers contracted stomachaches from laughing too hard while monitoring each member’s antics throughout their day-drinking gathering. Everyone leaves the Idol Human Theater set with a smile on their face (except maybe Eric, who had passed out stone cold and had to be carried out by two unfortunate managers), and though they are undeniably tired, a lot of them still have enough energy to play around in the company vans during the ride home.
Fortunately for Younghoon, the occupants of the van he’s riding in are either dead drunk or mildly tipsy, a combination that surprisingly creates a relatively quiet atmosphere after a day of limitless alcohol and drinking games. Changmin and Sunwoo are farthest in the back, the latter’s occasional drunken giggles swiftly silenced with a single sharp glare from the former, who has his head pressed in between the left rear window and his cupped right hand in what looks to be an attempt to stop the world from spinning around him. In front of them, Jacob is seated on the far right, looking out the window with half-focused eyes, a snoring Eric comfortably lying down on the rest of the seat with his head on Jacob’s lap.
It had been Chanhee who was previously settled on Eric’s current spot, until Younghoon had entered the van after him and coaxed the drunk blonde into moving to the second row with him, right behind the driver. Chanhee had showed no signs of protest upon being dragged back upright from a lying position, apologizing to Jacob for apparently faceplanting onto his right thigh “because it looked like a comfortable pillow, but now my forehead kinda hurts and why don’t you ever skip leg day, Jacob-hyung?” Chanhee had laughed nonstop after his little joke, clinging to Younghoon’s left arm and abruptly sitting himself down on the seat in front of Jacob, causing Younghoon to stumble onto the spot next to him. Chanhee’s drunken fit of giggles subsided only after Younghoon gently laid the younger boy’s head down on his left shoulder, running his right hand soothingly over the other’s blonde locks until he dozed off.
Now they’re just five minutes away from home, and Younghoon is left to his alcohol-addled thoughts. He glances once at their manager in the driver’s seat before his eyes reflexively move to stare at Chanhee’s sleeping face. Chanhee’s cheeks are dusted prettily in pink, an aftereffect of all the bokbunja he imbibed while playing drinking games. His long eyelashes flutter slightly as he breathes in a steady rhythm, and his right cheek juts out a tad as it presses against Younghoon’s shoulder. Younghoon fights the overwhelming urge to poke it because Chanhee looks downright adorable. Chanhee shifts his head a bit in his sleep, and Younghoon catches a whiff of Chanhee’s perfume. He wonders how Chanhee manages to not reek of alcohol after drinking copious amounts of it, and still smell so nice that Younghoon wants to bury his nose in his hair and inhale all the fragrance away. He almost does, but then their van comes to a complete stop, jostling him to his senses. Beside him, Chanhee stirs awake, blinking slowly and stifling a yawn with a dainty hand over his mouth.
“We’re here, kids,” their manager says in a loud voice, peering at them from the front and checking to see if they were all capable of exiting the van on their own. Usually Eric would loudly protest to their manager still calling them children at their age, but he was still an unconscious piece of deadweight on Jacob’s lap.
Changmin reaches over and slaps Eric awake, the younger boy’s eyes shooting open as he clutches his face and belatedly wonders why it stings. Jacob gives Changmin a disapproving look and Changmin sighs. “What? He sleeps like the dead on a normal day, hyung. I wanna crawl into my bed so bad, and I can’t get out of here unless he moves his butt.”
Sunwoo bursts out laughing because apparently, slapstick is ten times funnier when he’s drunk. Their manager opens the sliding door and helps Eric down from the van, Jacob and Changmin following closely behind him. Chanhee is staring blankly into space with a small smile on his face, both arms still wrapped around Younghoon’s. When Sunwoo clambers out of the van as well, he stops at the door and glances at Chanhee with mild concern, but directs his words to Younghoon. “Wow, Chanhee-hyung’s more far gone than I am. Need help dragging him back to the dorm, hyung?”
Younghoon shakes his head just as Chanhee turns his to the sound of Sunwoo’s voice. “Yah, Kim Sunwoo! I’m not that drunk yet,” Chanhee says, louder than necessary, releasing his grip on Younghoon’s arm and stumbling towards Sunwoo. Not unexpectedly, he trips over Younghoon’s feet and would’ve tumbled headfirst out of the van if not for Younghoon catching him by the waist and Sunwoo grabbing his flailing arms.
“That’s what drunk people always say,” Sunwoo deadpans, helping Younghoon lead Chanhee out of the van. Chanhee’s almost-fall seems to have sobered Sunwoo up quite a bit. They manage to exit the vehicle with all their limbs safely intact, Chanhee a little wobbly on his feet as he leans heavily against Younghoon.
Chanhee is quiet for a moment, before raising his hand and slapping Sunwoo lightly on the upper arm. Sunwoo lets out a yelp of protest. “Where’d smiley-drunk Chanhee go?? See if I help you next time,” he grumbles, trailing after Jacob and Eric into their apartment building.
“Chanhee-yah, calm down,” Younghoon says soothingly, trying to stifle a laugh at Chanhee’s drunken antics.
“I am calm,” Chanhee replies with a pout. He takes an experimental step forward and trips over nothing (Younghoon checks the ground and, yep, nothing), then laughs, the pout on his lips transforming into a toothy smile that he doesn’t cover up with his hand because he instinctively slings one arm around Younghoon’s neck to keep himself from falling, his other hand coming to rest lightly against Younghoon’s hip. “I can also walk, no problem.” And he would have convinced Younghoon if he isn’t swaying in place.
Younghoon smiles back at him, impossibly fond. Drunk Chanhee is truly too cute for his own good. “Can you stand long enough for me to crouch forward so you can hop onto my back?” He waits as Chanhee tilts his head slightly to the side, like a puppy processing a command, and resists the urge to pinch his cheeks as Chanhee slowly moves behind Younghoon and places his hands on Younghoon’s shoulders. Younghoon wastes no time in doing as he just said, letting Chanhee lock his arms snugly in front of Younghoon’s chest and hook his legs on either side of Younghoon. He slowly stands up, Chanhee riding piggyback and resting his head on Younghoon’s shoulder with a sigh that tickles Younghoon’s ear. When Younghoon turns to look at him, their noses almost touching, Chanhee’s eyelids are already sliding shut as if to give in to sleep once again.
He hears the other company van pulling up to their apartment’s driveway, the rest of their members spilling out in various degrees of sobriety. Juyeon hadn’t been that drunk when they left the set, but Jaehyun had snuck out a couple of bottles of soju for kicks, and it was plain to see where the contents of those bottles had gone on the ride home, because Sangyeon is practically half-carrying a dazed Juyeon out of the van. Jaehyun is snickering at their leader’s expense right behind them. Haknyeon and Kevin are thankfully sober enough to walk off unsupervised.
Jaehyun bursts out laughing when his eyes land on Younghoon and Chanhee. “Chanhee’s still knocked out? Our middle kids are such lightweights.”
“Hey! Not all of us,” Kevin protests, defending his and Changmin’s honor.
Chanhee stirs, one eye opening lazily as he reaches out to swat at Jaehyun on his right, his left hand still securely gripping Younghoon’s right shoulder. “Why are you still so annoying even when I’m under the influence,” he grumbles. His face breaks into a triumphant smile after he successfully grazes Jaehyun, his long, clear-polished fingernails scratching against Jaehyun’s shoulder.
“Why are you still so sassy when you’re drunk?” Jaehyun teases back, wiggling his eyebrows.
Younghoon almost loses his balance as Chanhee disentangles his right leg from Younghoon’s secure hold in an attempt to kick Jaehyun in the side. Unfortunately for Chanhee, Jaehyun easily dodges the attack and saunters off cackling.
“You are so—!” Chanhee shakes his fist in the direction of Jaehyun’s retreating back, face flushed a deep pink. From exertion or anger or…something else, Younghoon doesn’t know. He finds that he doesn’t really want to.
He feels something tugging at his heartstrings as he listens to Chanhee launch into a rambling tirade about how insufferable Jaehyun can be sometimes. Chanhee is normally quiet and reserved, able to reign in his thoughts whenever he feels particularly strongly (read: is annoyed or angry) about something, but he is so easily riled up by a few choice words from Jaehyun. Being inebriated only serves to aid his disinhibitions. Jaehyun is able to evoke emotions from Chanhee so effortlessly, and though the resident prankster of their group always complains about how Chanhee spurns his affections all the time, he’s oblivious to the fact that that does make him special, because Chanhee always has to make a conscious effort to push him away.
The reason why he does is still a mystery only Chanhee himself can verify, and Younghoon fears that if he tries to rationalize it, he’s going to come to conclusions that would cause his own (dangerous) feelings to bubble to the surface. And he doesn’t think he’s ready to face that just yet.
He tries to focus on what Chanhee is saying now, something about why he doesn’t get why Jaehyun loves to pick on him so much. Younghoon thinks he does, but he doesn’t say that it irks him more than he cares to admit. “Shhhh,” he soothes instead, hooking Chanhee’s escaped leg back under his supporting arm. He hears more than sees Sangyeon coming up behind him, carrying a now knocked-out Juyeon princess-style, and Younghoon can’t help but chuckle at the spectacle, his worrisome thoughts vanishing momentarily.
“That’s not very nice, Younghoonie. I swear, Hyunjae is rubbing off on you,” Sangyeon says with a sigh.
Chanhee’s rant tapers off. “Not true. He’s a lot colder to me these days. I miss the old Younghoonie-hyung,” he says absently. Younghoon frowns at that remark but opts not to comment. What did Chanhee mean by that?
Sangyeon doesn’t seem to think anything of it, though. When they get off the elevator on their floor, Kevin is waiting for them. He helps Sangyeon support Juyeon into a standing position, hooking Juyeon’s arms over their shoulders, and Younghoon parts ways with them when he reaches his and Chanhee’s apartment. He can already hear Sunwoo puttering around in the kitchen as soon as they get inside.
“There you are. What took you guys so long? Chanhee-yah, can you make me some hangover soup later?” Sunwoo’s eyes are large as he gives Chanhee his best puppy-dog look.
“No hangover soup for brats who speak to me informally,” Chanhee responds with a roll of his eyes. He slides off Younghoon’s back and scowls at Sunwoo.
“I was just kidding, hyung!” Sunwoo says, putting on a beatific smile for good measure. Chanhee caves and ruffles his hair.
“Fine. Later,” he promises. He yawns and interlocks his fingers, stretching his hands up above his head for a few seconds before bringing them down to his sides. “I’m beat. If anyone dares to wake me up before my alarm rings, I will personally end you.” He gives Sunwoo a pointed look.
He glances briefly at Younghoon too, but averts his eyes after barely a second of eye contact. “Thanks for helping me up to the dorm, Younghoon-hyung,” he says awkwardly. He ducks his head and shuffles off to his room, closing the door quietly behind him.
“Aww, he’s so embarrassed you had to cart him around like a little kid.” Sunwoo laughs and slaps a hand on the counter, then quickly retracts his arm, wincing in pain.
“I didn’t mind,” Younghoon says softly. He really didn’t, so why is Chanhee acting like he did? Come to think of it, Chanhee has been acting a little distant lately; he couldn’t quite put his finger on it but this is the first time in weeks that Chanhee voluntarily initiated physical affection with him.
They used to be attached at the hip until…well. Until the last time Chanhee had been deadass drunk. During their schedule, that issue was broached again, why it was ill-advised to give Chanhee wine. Everyone had the presence of mind to divert the topic.
Younghoon feels a knot tightening in his stomach. He remembers the reason all too well.
—
a few months ago
“Chanhee, your face is as red as the tomatoes you hate so much. Don’t even think about reaching for that wine bottle,” Changmin threatens his best friend, shaking a wine opener in his direction for emphasis.
“‘M not drunk! Just one more glass,” Chanhee whines as Changmin literally palms him in the face, protecting the wine bottle on the table from his grabby hands.
“No!” Changmin abandons the wine opener and full-on tackles Chanhee, causing both of them to tumble off their chairs and onto the soft grass. They’re at a barbecue party with the rest of The Boyz members, celebrating another music show win. Everyone is either drinking and eating at the table or milling about, generating the usual amount of mayhem expected of a group of eleven guys fueled by alcohol.
Younghoon, who is sitting with Eric across from them at the table and has drunk more than a couple of glasses of whiskey himself, bursts out laughing as the two 98-liners continue play-wrestling on the ground.
“My bet’s on Q-hyung,” Eric tells him enthusiastically. He takes another swig from the bottle of beer he was previously waving excitedly about.
“You’d be surprised at how well Chanhee can hold out against Changmin. I’d say they’re pretty evenly matched,” Younghoon says. A few feet away from them, Changmin and Chanhee have resorted to alternately pulling on each other’s hair and tickling each other mercilessly. Changmin’s banshee screams indicate that Chanhee is winning.
“Are you forgetting that Q-hyung bites? Ah, come on, let’s pray for New-hyung’s soul while he’s still in one piece.” Eric closes his eyes and clasps his hands together as if in prayer, but he’s only been sitting still for a few seconds when Changmin’s flailing arm hits the table leg, the impact causing a half-full shot glass to get knocked over, its contents spilling onto Eric’s lap. “Oh shi— Yah! Ji Changmin!”
Younghoon is beside himself with laughter, clapping his hands in amusement at the general chaos around him. A heavy weight drapes itself across his shoulders from behind, and he feels something sharp poking the top of his head. A quick look upward informs him that Jaehyun has decided to use his head as a chin rest.
“I came here because Juyeon and Sangyeon-hyung are boring,” Jaehyun announces. He glances sideways at Eric and guffaws at the mess on his shorts. “You couldn’t hold it in until you got to the bathroom?”
“Ha, ha, you’re hilarious, Hyunjae-hyung,” Eric retorts, rolling his eyes. “I feel gross. I’m gonna go get changed…” He gets up and makes a beeline for the area where they stowed their personal bags.
Jaehyun’s attention shifts to the rolling mess that is Chanhee and Changmin still grappling on the ground. The mischievous look in his eyes tells Younghoon that he has every intention of jumping into the fray, because he is the embodiment of chaotic evil.
“Leave them be if you don’t want to get bitten,” Younghoon advises. In perfect sync with his warning, Chanhee lets out a high-pitched shriek.
“Ow! Yah! You rabid squirrel!”
“Mrhwghhgwhhr!” Changmin replies indignantly through a mouthful of Chanhee’s left shoulder.
“STOP FIGHTING!” Sangyeon yells from the grill area. Younghoon and Jaehyun snicker, and Sangyeon glares pointedly at them. “Don’t think I don’t see you two enjoying the show! If you don’t break them up, you’re not getting any more meat!”
The threat of not getting fed high quality beef effectively launches Jaehyun towards the younger members, who have dissolved into a fit of giggles, arms and legs still entangled. “Get up, you rowdy kids!” he says loudly, looking over his shoulder and making sure that Sangyeon can witness his oh-so-helpful big brother act. He grabs Chanhee (because he’s lighter) and hauls him up by his armpits. “How old are you, huh? You’re behaving worse than the maknaedeul. I expected better from you, Chanhee-yah.”
Younghoon leisurely pours himself a shot of soju, watching as Changmin plops back into his seat. Changmin quickly pushes the bottle of wine further away from Chanhee.
Jaehyun appears gleeful at the opportunity to scold Chanhee, shaking him for emphasis, like he’s a little rag doll. It’s obvious that Chanhee has downed one glass too many because he merely smiles peacefully at Jaehyun while he manhandles him.
“Give me more wine,” Chanhee says with a pout, placing a hand on Jaehyun’s arm and staring plaintively at the older boy from beneath his eyelashes. Younghoon chokes on his drink, and Jaehyun is momentarily stunned, clearly disarmed by the unconscious display of aegyo.
Changmin alone is unfazed. “No! No more wine for you, Choi Chanhee!” he screams like a madman, cuddling the wine bottle close to his chest.
Jaehyun coughs once, and is Younghoon just imagining the embarrassed smile on his face? It morphs into a devious grin in the time it takes Younghoon to blink, though, and Jaehyun says, saccharinely sweet, “Only if you say please.”
“What? No!” Changmin protests, voicing Younghoon’s exact thoughts.
Chanhee moves to tug Jaehyun’s hands away from him, but Jaehyun is quicker, dropping them to Chanhee’s waist so he can’t escape. Chanhee squirms a little and Younghoon makes to stand up, thinking it’s about time for him to intervene, but he stops in his tracks when Chanhee obediently says, “Please.”
“Please, hyung.” Jaehyun smirks, waiting for Chanhee to snap. Or hit him; he knows the drill well.
Instead, Chanhee pouts some more. “Please, Hyunjae-hyung~”
Jaehyun’s delight is palpable as he forgets to keep a hold of Chanhee in favor of clapping his hands excitedly. “Aw, you’re such an angel when you’re drunk!” He easily plucks the bottle of wine from Changmin’s arms and wiggles it in front of Chanhee’s face. “Chanhee-yah,” he coos, “You can have this if you give hyung a kiss.” He taps his lips with the index finger of his other hand and makes kissy noises.
Younghoon definitely wants to intervene now. “Cut it out, Jaehyun.”
Changmin rubs his hands together, forgetting about the bottle that Jaehyun pilfered from him. He looks ready to watch Chanhee smack the living daylights out of Jaehyun.
Chanhee blinks slowly, once, twice, then looks resolutely at the wine bottle. “Okay,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders, and leans forward to peck Jaehyun right on his puckered lips.
Younghoon’s mouth falls open in shock. Jaehyun lies completely still, eyes wide as Chanhee gracefully pulls away from him, the younger boy easily snatching the wine bottle from the other’s now-loosened grip.
Changmin’s shrill squeal is the first sound to break the the silence. There is a loud crash behind them—Sangyeon has dropped a plate full of grilled meat—followed by a bloodcurdling wail from Haknyeon, who hates seeing wasted food. Juyeon is just staring openly at Chanhee and Jaehyun like a short-circuited robot. Sunwoo, who is halfway to their table with an armful of paper plates, yells “Have you guys gone crazy?”
The tips of Jaehyun’s ears are red, and he tries to defuse the situation with an awkward laugh. “Omo, New-shii, how forward of you! You really like me that much, huh?”
Younghoon fights the sudden urge to wring Jaehyun’s neck. He chooses to drag him bodily to the seat beside him instead. They’re lucky that this party isn’t a part of their filming schedule and there are no cameras rolling. “How much alcohol have you drunk, Jaehyun?”
Jaehyun stops grinning and shoots Younghoon a highly affronted look. “Hardly any! It’s not my fault Chanhee’s a kissing monster when he’s drunk!”
Chanhee sits beside Changmin and takes a swig straight from his hard-won wine bottle. “You asked me to kiss you, so I did,” he says serenely. A sober Chanhee would have blushed red to the roots of his hair and sputtered indignantly at Jaehyun, but Younghoon knows Chanhee clearly isn’t in his right mind and will be properly embarrassed when he remembers this in the morning. “Your lip balm tastes like strawberry. I like it.”
Jaehyun covers his grinning face with his hands. “You’re making me fall for you. How are you this adorable?” He exaggeratedly play-punches Younghoon’s shoulder as if Chanhee’s cuteness is too much to handle. “I like this sweet Chanhee more than the regular version; can I keep him?” he asks the general assembly.
“No!” At least five different voices shout simultaneously, including Younghoon. It’s a testament to how beloved Chanhee is by the entire group, that everyone is united in protecting him when he’s defenseless. Sunwoo marches up to Jaehyun and pretends to strangle him.
“Gah! Stop it, you little gremlin. You all are just jealous that I’m number one in Chanhee’s heart,” Jaehyun says with a smirk. He beckons to Chanhee. “Come here and share that wine with your favorite hyung, Chanhee-yah.”
“You talking about me?” Jacob suddenly pipes up from out of nowhere, sitting on Younghoon’s other side. He and Kevin have just gotten back from buying more alcohol at the convenience store. “You guys have gotten the party going, huh? We could hear you all the way from inside the building.”
Jaehyun snorts. “Who said you were his favorite? He hasn’t kissed you, Cobie.”
“Say what now?” Kevin exclaims, whipping his head to gape incredulously at Chanhee.
“Hey, hey! Let’s all stop talking about this. Chanhee’s never gonna live this down when he comes to his senses, so wipe it all from your memories right now,” Changmin instructs, hugging Chanhee protectively.
“Says the one who’ll be the first to tease him about it tomorrow morning,” Sunwoo retorts, retracting his fingers from around Jaehyun’s neck when Jaehyun slaps at his wrists.
“Best friend privileges,” Changmin replies with an unconscionable grin. “Anyway, I’m the only one allowed to! Right, Younghoonie-hyung?” He looks to Younghoon for support.
Younghoon still feels his stomach churning from an emotion he allows himself to identify—jealousy—but outwardly he is calm as always. “You all know how closed off Chanhee gets when we tease him too much. I don’t think it’s a good idea to refresh his memory about this.”
“I’m right here, guys,” Chanhee waves at them, smiling prettily. “I feel so happy that you’re all so worried about me!”
Changmin strokes his hair. “Oh, my sweet summer child,” he drawls. Jaehyun cackles loudly.
“Yoooo, Eric is back in the house! What’d I miss?” Eric shouts, doing a little twirl as he shows off his fresh set of shorts.
Sangyeon puts his hands up and makes a neck-slicing gesture with his hand. “Oh no, no. Eric doesn’t need to know—“
“New-hyung kissed Hyunjae-hyung,” Haknyeon informs Eric gleefully.
“New-hyung what??”
—
The day after what would forever after be called The Reason Why Chanhee Can’t Have Wine incident, Chanhee was called over to the company head’s office. When he came back to the practice room to join the other members practicing the choreography for their next comeback, the corners of his eyes were blotchy, and he was unnervingly quiet and kept mostly to himself, only whispering occasionally to Changmin when he needed help with more complicated parts of the choreography. Telltale signs of receiving a thorough scolding. Younghoon wanted to hug him so badly at that time, but when he attempted to do so, Chanhee only pushed him away, saying he was fine. He remembers the pang of hurt he felt when he saw the frightened look on Chanhee’s face; the stinging rejection—the first of many—seeping and festering underneath his skin.
Nobody had the heart to tease Chanhee about the night before, after that. Except for Jaehyun, who didn’t directly address the issue in question, but did his best to let Chanhee know that he didn’t feel awkward about it at all in the only way he knew how, which was to make fun of Chanhee like he normally did. Nothing had to change.
But something does change. Chanhee has stopped being clingy to Younghoon since then. Younghoon recalls thinking how unbelievably unfair that was. Did the company make him? It wasn’t only Chanhee who got lectured by the company. One by one they had all been set aside by their assigned managers, receiving an extremely vague but concise Talk on how important it was that nothing should disrupt their current team dynamic, already honed to near-perfection, if their album sales and consistent schedules hadn’t been enough of an indicator for success. It reminds Younghoon of how much he resents this aspect of their overly conservative Korean culture, how the moneymakers of the company skirt around obvious issues like they’re taboo. How their backward thinking is a constant reminder to the members that profits will always come first before their talents’ real, human emotions.
Since Chanhee has apparently developed an aversion to him, Younghoon makes a concerted effort not to make the younger one feel uncomfortable anymore whenever they’re in front of a camera. He stands more than two spots away from him during group livestream sessions, unable to trust himself not to hug Chanhee if he were within arms’ reach. When they win first place on music shows and need to record an encore performance, he wanders to the opposite side of the stage from wherever Chanhee is and plays with the other members instead, even if his first instinct is to find Chanhee, lift him up and twirl him around because they got first place again, and it’s a thrill to see their dreams being fulfilled together one victory at a time. He tries not to let the disappointment show on his face when he receives a new schedule from the manager that involves only a few members including him, but not Chanhee, and vice versa.
Younghoon knows he can endure all of that because he’s a professional idol, and in their world, nothing should be more important than the next hit title song, the next variety show gig that can catapult them further into fame. There is always a hefty price to pay if you offer up your life for public consumption. He knows the risks of reaching for things he is highly discouraged from having.
He has loved Choi Chanhee for far longer than he can remember, but he’s aware of the lines he’s not supposed to cross, and so he has never acted upon his desires, insofar that he would never let Chanhee know just how much he needs him. Needs the physical proximity that allows him to smell Chanhee’s sweet perfume, needs his hilariously dry commentary on anything under the sun, his impossibly bright smiles, and his cute little mannerisms, like the way he daintily puts a hand to his mouth but proceeds to laugh without abandon whenever he finds something ridiculously funny. Needs the genuine mother-hen-like care that Chanhee provides whenever he gets sick, the painstaking meals he prepares for Younghoon when he’s craving homemade food (even if half the time Younghoon has to needle him into doing it by exerting his hyung hierarchy powers), the cozy nights when Chanhee lets him crawl into bed with him so they can cuddle each other to sleep.
He’s aware that half of their fanbase already speculates that they’re dating, but it’s a moot point because Chanhee himself never once told Younghoon that he has more than platonic feelings for him, not even after they have livestream sessions, just the two of them, where some fans leave insinuating comments that Chanhee always passes over. There are always fan comments that you should never read, Chanhee was wont to remind him, and he ignores the lump of apprehension that rises to his throat whenever he imagines that those were the ones Chanhee meant. Countless times, he wished that Chanhee would give him any hint at all that he feels the same way, but he never has.
Chanhee, of course, is also a professional idol, and a much more meticulous one than Younghoon. He knows this much from always watching Chanhee closely since their pre-debut days; Chanhee is content with not being the center of attention all the time; he recognizes his strengths and he plays to them well. He stubbornly perseveres in honing the aspects he is lacking in. He’s admittedly sensitive and is easily offended sometimes, but he has the self-control not to throw a fit or snap entirely when some of the members take their teasing too far. He used to look to Younghoon for solace and reassurance whenever he was having a tough time, or whenever the other members made fun of him past a point he couldn’t trust himself to handle, and Younghoon was—and still is—more than happy to oblige him.
He doesn’t seek out Younghoon, now. Younghoon recalls Jacob offhandedly saying that Chanhee is the member that always wants to be spoiled by him these days, and at that time Younghoon almost forgot himself, nearly lashing out to spit ugly words that Jacob didn’t deserve to hear. You can’t say that. He’s mine. I’m the only one who has the right to spoil him rotten. But because Younghoon is a professional idol, he forces himself to smile and think, instead, of how soft Chanhee looks whenever he wants to be babied by the hyung line. Chanhee deserves all the love the world can give him. It doesn’t have to come from Younghoon, even if he’s confident that he’s entirely capable of giving Chanhee all the attention he requires.
He has always done his best to be a good hyung and friend to him, and maybe that’s all that Chanhee sees him as. He shouldn’t be so selfish as to ruin everything they have built together in this harsh industry, with his unnecessary feelings. But he still wants, and he still needs. He had managed to convince himself that what they have now is enough, but even that has been taken away from him, because they’re starting to drift apart even more everyday, and he doesn’t know how to stop it.
Avoiding him on camera is fine, but what he can’t stand is how Chanhee has opted to minimize contact with him even on their days off. Hanging out with Changmin and Sunwoo is a given for Chanhee, but whenever those two are busy, Chanhee would rather go over to their other members’ dorms than spend time alone with Younghoon.
Chanhee even spends more time with Jaehyun than him. At first Younghoon didn’t think much of it; Jaehyun has always loved getting a rise out of Chanhee because he says he has the most interesting reactions, and the way Chanhee always rebuffs him just makes it more thrilling for him to do it again and again. As Jaehyun’s close friend, Younghoon is sure he’d be able to tell if Jaehyun’s actions have started to mean something more than just casual teasing. But he can’t deny that it gets on his nerves, sometimes, whenever Jaehyun gets all smug and triumphantly tells him how Chanhee pushes him away less often, now.
There is one possibility for Chanhee’s actions that Younghoon has refused to acknowledge up to this point, a logical one that he doesn’t want to turn out to be true. Because there’s no way that Chanhee likes Jaehyun, right?
Right?
Younghoon doesn’t want to reflect on it, but the justifications keep popping into his head one after another. Chanhee panicking whenever Jaehyun attempts to hug him. Chanhee being flustered when Jaehyun compliments him. Chanhee kissing Jaehyun when he’s drunk. Chanhee opening up to Jaehyun more, just as he stops relying on Younghoon.
Did he actively turn a blind eye to what was right in front of him? If it turns out that he’s the one who drove Chanhee away, he doesn’t think he’d be able to forgive himself.
—
Younghoon’s feet take him directly to the door of Chanhee’s bedroom before he realizes it. The door is slightly ajar, and his hand hovers over the doorknob as he contemplates whether or not he should go in.
“What are you doing?” Changmin’s voice rings out in the silence. When Younghoon turns around, the other boy is staring at him quizzically.
Younghoon swallows, feeling like he’s been caught doing something wrong, even if that doesn’t make any sense. “I just wanted to check if Chanhee’s okay. He drank a lot again this time.”
Changmin nods. “We shouldn’t have let him join the last few games, huh? At least their team won the loyalty game. If he drank any more, I was scared he’d end up kissing Kevin or something.”
“Scared,” Younghoon repeats, because of course he doesn’t want to dwell on the hypothetical scenario of Chanhee kissing people, least of all Kevin.
Changmin grins. “Okay, not really, but if he wilded out, it would’ve been hard for me to stop him from across the table. He’d get an earful from the company again, and where would we be?”
“We were all careful. Sangyeon-hyung made sure everything was under control,” Younghoon points out.
“I guess so. I mean, he only got scolded a lot last time because—“ Changmin stops, as if catching himself. “Uh, anyway. You should probably check in on him now.”
Younghoon frowns. “What are you talking about? Didn’t he get scolded for kissing Jaehyun?”
Changmin gives him a weird look that he couldn’t quite decipher. “Don’t you think it’s a little unfair for him to get flak for something as trivial as that?”
He does think it’s unfair, but if Chanhee has feelings for Jaehyun, then it was no trivial matter at all. “It is. But if they have reason to speculate that there’s something going on between them, of course they’re going to give him flak for it.” The admission stings, and he can feel his eyes watering. Saying it aloud hurt more than he thought.
“Hyung, you…” Changmin rubs his temples and belatedly focuses on Younghoon’s face. “Wait, are you about to cry?”
Younghoon blinks rapidly. “No,” he denies, unable to stop his lower lip from trembling.
Changmin smiles ruefully at him. “Crybaby,” he teases, stepping forward and enveloping him into a tight hug. And Younghoon can’t explain it, but somehow he understands that Changmin knows. In hindsight, Younghoon has always been painfully obvious, it was just Chanhee who refused to see it. See him.
A tear spills over despite his best efforts, and he hastily wipes it away. “Did he tell you, at least?” He can’t help but ask. Changmin is Chanhee’s closest confidant; surely he would know if Chanhee had any crushes in their team. “Is it true that he likes Jaehyun?”
“You’re a big dummy, Hoonie-hyung,” Changmin says instead of answering his question. Younghoon would have been offended if he hadn’t sounded so fond. “Just ask him yourself.” He pats Younghoon on the back, opens Chanhee’s bedroom door and pushes Younghoon into the room, shutting the door again from the outside.
—
It’s quiet in Chanhee’s room, save for the sound of a humidifier and Chanhee’s deep breathing. Younghoon approaches him with caution, not wanting to rouse him. His mind has drawn a blank on what to say to him so he’d rather that the younger not wake up at this moment so he can have some time to sort out his thoughts.
He kind of feels like a creep, just standing in the middle of the room watching Chanhee. But he can’t help staring at Chanhee’s face, so peaceful in sleep. His fair skin smooth and unblemished even without makeup, his tousled blonde hair, delicate eyelashes, and the tinted lip balm staining his lips a glossy pink make him look ethereal in the dim lighting. A wave of longing sweeps through Younghoon, so visceral that he can feel his chest ache with it.
Before he’s conscious of it, his body is already lowering itself to sit precariously on the edge of Chanhee’s bed, near the sleeping boy’s fuzzy-socked feet. Too far, his mind tells him, and he shuffles closer, like a planet gravitating towards its sun, until he’s sitting at Chanhee’s side, close enough to touch his face. It’s like his body is on autopilot; he can’t stop himself from reaching out, fingertips brushing over Chanhee’s blonde fringe, then sliding down his perfectly chiseled jaw before he catches himself and retracts his hand.
Okay, that was not creepy at all, his traitorous conscience berates him. He clasps his hands together on his lap and glares down at them. Why is he even still here? He hasn’t even sorted out what he wants to say. He has to leave before Chanhee wakes up and calls him out for acting like a crazy stalker. He’ll go right after taking one last look at Chanhee’s beautiful sleeping face—
Chanhee is staring right at him, and Younghoon almost topples off the bed in surprise.
“Hyung,” Chanhee says, his voice thick and languid from just waking up, sounding so damn fine, “did you need something? Why are you here?”
Younghoon swallows, mouth suddenly dry. I need you. That’s why I’m here. “I, um. I couldn’t sleep,” he says nervously. He isn’t lying, per se. All this reflecting on where he stands with Chanhee has kept him awake all this time.
Chanhee sits up against the headboard and carelessly runs a hand through his disheveled hair. The action does weird, fluttery things to Younghoon’s stomach. “I can give you some melatonin if you need it,” the blonde boy offers, opening his bedside drawer and taking out a bottle of pills.
Younghoon tries to school his face into a blank expression devoid of disappointment. “Can’t I just sleep here?” he blurts out, the neediness in his tone betraying him. He hates himself sometimes. His acting skills are apparently still severely lacking.
He doesn’t miss the myriad of emotions flitting across Chanhee’s face, transitioning in a matter of split seconds. Surprise, then discomfort, then a shuttered expression that means he doesn’t want Younghoon to read what he’s thinking. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, hyung,” he says softly.
“Why not? We used to sleep together all the time,” Younghoon argues, then turns red when he sees Chanhee blushing as he realizes what he just said. “I mean—sleep beside each other—you know, because it’s pretty comfortable,” he finishes awkwardly. That was not smooth at all.
Chanhee twists the blanket in his hands and avoids Younghoon’s stubborn gaze. “We’re not kids anymore, hyung. It’s not…” he trails off, hesitating. “It’s not appropriate.”
And then there’s that feeling of rejection again, crawling in Younghoon’s skin and sucker-punching him hard in the gut. He suddenly finds it harder to breathe. “Oh. Is it—is it because of Jaehyun?” His breaths are shallow and uneven, and he fights to control them. He can’t break down and cry here; he refuses to. He viciously reminds himself that he has no right.
“Hyunjae-hyung?” Chanhee says with a frown. “What are you—“ he gasps softly, eyes widening in panic. “Hyung!”
Chanhee’s voice seems far away, as if Younghoon’s head is submerged underwater and he’s calling out near the surface. He feels like he’s underwater, too, like all the oxygen has left his lungs and he’s struggling to breathe, but there’s nothing but a sharp pain filling the empty space instead of air. Warm arms wrap around him, and the smell of cherry blossoms floods his senses. Soft blonde hair tickles the side of his face.
“Breathe,” he hears Chanhee saying. “Deep breaths, hyung. Try to match mine.” He focuses on Chanhee’s every inhale and exhale, slow and steady—rhythmic breaths of air that tickle his lips as Chanhee cradles the back of Younghoon’s head and presses their foreheads together. Their gazes are locked, the depth in Chanhee’s bright eyes grounding him until his panic recedes.
It’s like he’s coming out of a daze. Chanhee’s other hand is gripped in his own, tight enough to hurt—he doesn’t remember when he did that—and Younghoon exhales long and slow, loosening his hold. “Sorry,” he whispers, throat dry. “That was so not cool, I’ll just, I should go.” He abruptly pulls away from Chanhee and makes to stand up, but Chanhee grabs him by the waist, pinning him in place.
“Hold on. Lie down here,” Chanhee instructs, tugging on him until he’s lying flat on the bed near the edge, his head nestled against one of Chanhee’s fluffy pillows. Chanhee clambers over to the side of the bed against the wall and lies on his side, curling up against Younghoon with one hand thrown over his chest. “Have you calmed down enough?”
Younghoon doesn’t answer immediately, afraid that Chanhee can feel his quickened heartbeat underneath the palm of the younger’s hand. He turns his head to the side, refusing to meet Chanhee’s eyes and see the pity that is probably there. “I’m fine now. I’m sorry for interrupting your sleep. Please—“ let me leave with my dignity intact, “—you said this was inappropriate,” his voice cracks with a bitterness he can’t mask in a neutral tone. “You don’t need to spell it out. I know when I’m not wanted.” He didn’t mean to let that last part slip out. His eyes burn, but he blinks rapidly to keep the tears at bay.
The hand on his chest clenches into a fist that bunches up the front of his shirt, and Chanhee pushes himself up using his other arm, half-hovering over Younghoon so he can’t hide his face. “What on earth are you talking about? I never said that. If anything, you’re the one who’s been avoiding me, hyung.”
Whatever Younghoon was expecting him to say, it isn’t that. “Me? You never wanted to hang out with me anymore, after,“ he doesn’t want to say it; they have never mentioned this aloud since then, even with the other members, “after you did something really stupid when you were drunk—“
“Stupid? You think kissing one of our team members is stupid?” Chanhee demands, looking annoyed now.
“Kissing someone you like in front of everyone and jeopardizing our entire team dynamic falls under the stupid category, Chanhee!” Younghoon fires back, equally irate. Jealousy is a dangerous thing, and his mind is screaming at him to stop talking before he says something he will regret. But it’s like his mouth has lost its filter and is no longer listening to his brain. “That’s why you got scolded by the company, right? What I don’t understand is why you insisted on keeping me at arm’s length, when I didn’t even do anything wrong!”
Chanhee’s face is flushed, and he hangs his head. Younghoon sees the flash of guilt there, and it only triggers him more. “That’s—“
“We were closer than anybody else, so it hurts me that you never told me about any of this. I would have kept your secret if I knew. I could have—I could have watched out for you, so you wouldn’t have slipped up like you did. Is this your way of punishing me for being a bad friend? When you didn’t even give me a chance to understand your feelings.” Younghoon can’t stop his tears from spilling over now. He can’t say what he really wants to say. I held back because I love you too much to lose what we already have. I miss you. I wish you chose me instead.
“Hyung, stop,” Chanhee says. He looks like he’s about to cry. Great, just another thing to add to Younghoon’s list of regrets.
“Please just don’t push me away. Jaehyun’s my friend too. You can both trust me not to rat you out, and I—I promise I’m not going to be a third wheel whenever you want to be alone.” He’s just grasping at straws at this point. Chanhee is going to stop associating with him completely for being a clingy, jealous mess.
Chanhee puts his hand over Younghoon’s mouth. “Hoonie-hyung, don’t talk for a second. I don’t have a thing with Hyunjae-hyung.”
“You can count on—what did you just say?” Younghoon’s voice is muffled under Chanhee’s hand. He gapes at the other boy, incredulous. But…if that wasn’t true, then why did Chanhee keep avoiding him? Does Chanhee mean that he and Jaehyun aren’t together yet but he wants them to be?
“He doesn’t like me that way, hyung. Whatever gave you that idea?” Chanhee’s hand returns to its previous place over Younghoon’s left chest so he can let Younghoon talk more clearly.
“But you, and he…” Younghoon is beyond words at this point. “Do you want him to like you that way?”
“No!” Chanhee slaps at Younghoon’s chest for emphasis, and Younghoon winces. “You’re infuriating, you know that?”
“I am? You’re the one not making any sense,” Younghoon replies, confused.
Chanhee takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a few seconds, as if he’s gathering the strength to say something that would pierce through the cloudy haze in Younghoon’s brain. When he opens them again, he licks the side of his lip, one of his tells when he’s nervous. The hand atop Younghoon’s chest trembles slightly. “I like you, hyung. Part of the reason I got scolded was because I couldn’t control myself when I was drunk, but that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, for the company. They literally said that if I had those kind of…inclinations,” he laughs bitterly at that, and Younghoon gets it; they couldn’t even be bothered to use the proper terminology, “I had to reign them in or it would reflect badly on our team.” He sighs, not looking Younghoon in the eyes. “I was scared. If they had an inkling, then it was just a matter of time before you’d catch on, and… I didn’t want you to hate me,” he whispers that last part, his voice so small and uncertain, it breaks Younghoon’s heart.
“I could never hate you,” Younghoon says softly, clasping Chanhee’s hand on his chest with his own. He feels light, like a huge burden has been lifted from him, replacing the cold dread in his bones with warmth.
A look of relief passes over Chanhee’s face, but his expression is still guarded. “You’re not grossed out or anything?”
Younghoon rolls onto his side to face Chanhee, moving his hand to cup the younger boy’s cheek, his thumb brushing over Chanhee’s lower lip. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met,” he says honestly, so full of happiness that he doesn’t care if he sounds cheesy. It’s like the warmth he feels within him is pouring from his hand and into Chanhee’s skin, suddenly flushed with heat beneath his touch. “I really want to kiss you now. Can I?”
Chanhee merely nods, the steely glint in his eyes replaced by a mixture of disbelief and wonder. He appears to want to say something but Younghoon doesn’t give him a chance, tilting his chin and pressing their mouths together. Chanhee’s lips are soft and pliant against his, slightly sticky with the taste of cherry-flavored lip balm. Younghoon isn’t a huge fan of sticky lip products, but it’s the perfect excuse to suck gently on Chanhee’s lower lip. He hears Chanhee’s sharp intake of breath at the motion, and doesn’t protest when the younger pulls away by a hair’s breadth, his irises a shade darker, his teeth worrying at his glistening lip where Younghoon licked all the lip balm off.
“Do you want me to stop?” Younghoon asks, not wanting to but ready to do so if it made Chanhee the slightest bit uncomfortable.
“No,” Chanhee says almost immediately, then looks slightly embarrassed for sounding overeager. It makes Younghoon smile widely; he’s just so cute. “It’s just—you didn’t say you like me back.” Younghoon can hear the note of insecurity in Chanhee’s voice. “It’s fine if you don’t—“
Younghoon kisses him again, harder this time, only breaking the kiss when they both have to come up for air. “You’re such a fool,” he says fondly. “I really,” he leans in to give Chanhee a quick peck on the lips, “really,” another peck, “really like you,” and another, smacking his lips loudly as he pulls back, grinning.
Chanhee smiles softly and lightly pinches the skin on Younghoon’s neck. “You’re the bigger fool,” he says with a chuckle. “I mean, Hyunjae-hyung? Really?”
“How was I supposed to interpret that? You kissed him so willingly that time,” Younghoon says, petulant. “From this day forth, you’re forbidden from kissing anybody else but me.”
“You’re so possessive,” Chanhee teases with a laugh. “What if we go on a variety show where the games have a kissing penalty?”
“Then don’t lose,” Younghoon replies, poking his cheek.
“And if the actual mechanics of the game involve near-kissing—“
“We’ll be on the same team, simple.” Younghoon playfully shoves him. “So many questions. Are you that eager to kiss people other than me?”
Chanhee giggles, and Younghoon can’t stay pretend-mad at him when he laughs so brightly like that. “You’re the only one I want to kiss, Bbang Bbang. Happy now?”
“Only if you promise to make out with me some more,” Younghoon says, flashing him his most disarming smile.
Chanhee rolls his eyes, but it doesn’t keep him from blushing red up to his ears. Of course Younghoon is well-versed in utilizing his facial expressions for maximum heart-stopping attraction, and he can clearly see that Chanhee is powerless against it, even as the younger scoffs, “May I remind you that you so rudely interrupted my nap when you decided to come here?”
“Is that a no?” Younghoon snuggles against Chanhee, nestling his face in the crook of the younger’s neck. He smells good enough to taste. Younghoon nips lightly on the blonde boy’s fair skin, feeling Chanhee’s pulse race beneath his lips.
“You’re impossible,” Chanhee says breathlessly, shivering when Younghoon leaves a trail of butterfly kisses down the slope of his neck.
“Just admit that you’ve finally discovered something you like doing more than sleeping.” Younghoon tightens his hold on Chanhee’s waist and flips him onto his back, sliding up to plant another kiss on his lips. He licks languidly into the other boy’s mouth, thrilled by the way Chanhee whimpers underneath him.
This time Chanhee makes no move to pull away, and neither of them do much talking after that.
—
The next time The Boyz go out drinking, it’s at a relatively remote spot at the Han River, where there are no filming cameras, just a couple of huge picnic blankets, several six-packs of beer, and a lot of boxes of fried chicken. There was a forecast of possible rain for that day, which is why they were able to escape their managers’ supervision and didn’t attract much attention from the few other passersby.
As usual, they’re a rowdy bunch when all eleven of them are together. Sunwoo is already three sheets to the wind after consuming a few bottles of beer, laughing nonstop at Eric’s overly energetic antics. Jacob brought his guitar and is currently hyping up the atmosphere with fast-paced riffs, Kevin and Haknyeon singing enthusiastically on either side of him. The rest are leisurely playing games while drinking.
“Loyalty test next?” Juyeon suggests, after an intense Mafia game.
“Sure, I’m going to win anyway,” Jaehyun says confidently.
“Hyung, you just lost royally in the last game,” Changmin points out. Jaehyun, ever the mature one, sticks his tongue out at him.
“Rock-paper-scissors to decide the teams?” Sangyeon says, and they all huddle close to follow their captain.
Eventually they split into 98-liners versus hyung line, settling on comfortable sitting positions on either side of their picnic blanket. After much dramatic screaming, intermittent gloating, and obnoxious laughter, Juyeon, Changmin, and Chanhee lose the game.
Jaehyun slings an arm over Younghoon’s shoulders as the two of them watch Sangyeon fill a highball glass to the brim with pale ale. “If you guys act all predictable and split the drink evenly in thirds, I’m not playing with you anymore.”
“On a scale of one to ten, how drunk are you?” Juyeon asks Changmin and Chanhee. He’s the first to drink.
Chanhee, who’s drinking last, rubs his hands together and looks at Juyeon beseechingly. “Eleven. Have mercy on me, Juyeon-ah.”
“Ugh, sorry Chanhee, if I drink any more than a sip I swear I’m going to throw up,” Changmin says, looking a little green around the gills.
Juyeon flashes an upbeat smile at Chanhee and barely wets his lips against the rim of the glass. “At least it’s not wine. You’ll live, Chanhee.”
Jaehyun laughs like a maniac. “Chivalry is dead,” he crows. Younghoon smiles ruefully when his eyes meet Chanhee’s.
Chanhee sighs as Changmin’s mouth barely touches the glass. “I’ll remember this, you traitors,” he says without much venom. He drains the glass in seconds and makes a face as he hands the empty glass back to Sangyeon.
“You okay?” Younghoon asks concernedly, breaking free from Jaehyun and scooting over to press himself against Chanhee’s side.
Chanhee nods vigorously, then winces. “Little dizzy,” he murmurs as an afterthought. He leans his head on Younghoon’s shoulder and closes his eyes.
Juyeon has the grace to look guilty. Changmin, shameless as always, does not. “Chanhee’s drunk,” he hollers to the group at large. “Let’s pack up, guys!”
“We’re not ready!” Eric yells back from the other blanket. “Thirty minutes, tops!”
“You’re too loud, idiot!” Sunwoo shouts back. From right beside him. Eric grabs him by the shoulders and a slapdash tussle ensues.
Changmin covers his ears with his hands, visibly upset by the racket the maknaedeul are making.
Chanhee’s eyes flutter open at the noise. “Do you wanna go home now, Changmin-ah?” he asks, words slurred.
“Yes please,” Changmin whimpers.
‘Kay,” Chanhee says. He tilts his head slightly upwards and grabs Younghoon’s chin, kissing him squarely on the lips.
Jaehyun lets out a loud wolf-whistle and leans back on his hands with a smirk. “I’m not his favorite hyung anymore, am I?”
Younghoon untangles himself from Chanhee, smiling sweetly back at Jaehyun. “Don’t you ever forget it.”
“Okayyyy, kids, time to go home,” Sangyeon announces, covering the wide grin on his face with his hands.
As Jacob, Kevin, and Haknyeon transition their performance to an upbeat rendition of a famous love song, and Eric and Sunwoo agree on a truce so they can crawl over to their picnic blanket and congratulate the couple, Younghoon thinks that with this level of camaraderie, their agency can shove it, because their team dynamic is about as perfect as it can get.