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There was a weird feeling in the forefront of Ena's mind. It was a little unnerving, yet it was taking up most of her conscious and subconscious thoughts, a kind of foreboding that whispered in her ear that something was going on, something horrible that would hit her with the strength of a truck crushing into her. Upset and restless, Ena tried to push down the fear that clung to her shoulders like a shadow lurking in her blind spot, but she just couldn't seem to be able to shake it off. She would usually get a little distressed like this when something was about to happen between Mafuyu and her mom, or when she would eventually find a call from Honami about Kanade.
But this was different. It was a sensation that was gnawing at the ends of her nerves, that stung all over her legs and urged her to pace around her room, waiting for the catastrophe to befall on her. She flapped her hands, trying to get rid of the tingling that had taken control over her fingers, she sat down and began to draw, but the shadow still didn't leave her. She straightened her back, cracked her knuckles and ran her hands up and down her arms to lessen her goosebumps.
Something felt incredibly, utterly wrong.
Ena would always make a mental list when a dark hunch took over her mind. It was like a second nature to her by this point, and she would make a list even before falling asleep on a daily basis. She started thinking of any person close to her, what they were doing and where, if they seemed troubled by something the last time they interacted. Her first thought, of course, ran to her partners: Mizuki was working at the time, and they had seemed pretty happy and bubbly when they had texted Ena two hours prior, saying that after their shift was over they were going to go to this new clothing store with Saki. Mafuyu seemed to be doing at least a little bit better after their date the day prior and getting to see the aquarium to get her mind off of everything that had been going on, to the point she had even thanked her partners for making her feel that warmth in her chest once again. Kanade had hung up after a two hours long call with Ena at some point before the latter had to go to school, a long conversation where she had excitedly told her girlfriend about a brainstorming session she had with Honami and their friend - Hoshino-san - that had given her an idea for a new song and a way to improve a track she had put aside when she had hit some sort of creative block. That, Ena could relate to a lot.
With her three partners out of her worries (or so Ena hoped, making a mental note to text all three to check up on them), Ena's mind mechanically moved on to her little brother, Akito. He had some sort of battle tonight - one of those events where the crowd's enjoyment determined which performer would win. Although she would check out her brother's shows from time to time when Touya would text her about an upcoming important event, she never assisted to music battles. She didn't enjoy the air in the live houses on those occasions, the expectations sky rocketing through the roof and the bets being thrown left and right compared to the excited, euphoric feelings of normal events. Ena would never admit that, but she didn't like the angry and hard expression in Akito's eyes when he participated in battles, either. In those occasions, it was like looking in a mirror: frustration, unsatisfaction, hunger for perfection, emotions that Ena could feel burn in herself way too often when she picked up a brush and that she saw in her brother's eyes when his entire idea of himself hung on the loudness of the cheering and applause of the crowd.
Still, Akito seemed to be doing fine when he had left earlier in the night. Ena had wished him well for the battle, and he had flipped her off with a benevolent huff like his usual. Perhaps her nagging feeling had to do with Akito's battle? Maybe it was going bad? But still, Akito had Touya and An and Kohane: he was far from alone on that stage, nothing like the fragile boy who had built, brick after brick, a wall around himself, not letting anyone see past his strong façade when he had just started out.
But Ena was just like him.
They both shouted and slammed their stuff around, they both screamed out in frustration when they felt like they weren't enough, they both let the disgust choke them as they realized that they were falling behind the people who had natural talent for their passions. Her dear little brother, the very mirror of her soul: sometimes looking at him hurt more than looking at her paint-stained hands.
Ena wanted to believe her brother was doing fine. She really wanted to, seriously. After all, what kind of big sister would she be, if she didn't? Perhaps she should visit Vivid Street more often, if only to check up on him from the sidelines. Just to be sure, she texted him asking when he would be coming home, but the message didn't even reach Akito. Maybe he had turned off his phone when he went up to the stage, or so Ena wanted to believe.
She went on to think of her friends, Airi, Shizuku, Honami, Emu, Futaba. Nothing came to her mind, not a single thing out of place, anything that would scream danger to her. As far as she knew and could overthink of, all of the people she cared about were safe.
Still, the feeling lingered.
She kept on drawing and scraping her sketches, again and again, since her mind really wasn't into the process. They had even canceled their appointment on Nightcord since Mizuki's sister was coming over to visit that night and Mafuyu was occupied with some matters that night and the following - something about a three days trip in the South. Even her usual source of clearance and calmness (unless Mizuki was in the mood to tease their girlfriend...) was gone that night, leaving her to stand there and try to get her hands full of something to empty her mind.
At some point around two in the morning, she heard the door in the entrance open quietly. Not that it mattered: her father was away on a trip, her mother was working during a night shift and Ena was always awake at two in the morning. She heard Akito's soft, padded steps stumble in the living room, dragging him to the hallway. He knocked on something, probably one of the two drawers they had in the corridor, and as Ena stood up to go check on him, the knob of her door twisted and behind the frame appeared her brother.
Akito might be an asshole, the kind of brother that always fought with Ena, but he always knocked on the door and waited for Ena's consent to enter her room, mindful of her privacy. Between him catching himself on his own steps and throwing her door open without even knocking... Ena's guts plummeted, churning in her abdomen as if they were being stirred by a scorching metal spoon.
Ena stood in the middle of the room and looked at the boy on the doorstep, his dark frame lit up from behind by the cold moonlight coming from the corridor, nothing like his usual warm and golden glow. Akito was shaking, he was clutching at the fixtures of the door with weak and clammy hands and he had livid red bags under his vacuous, unfocused eyes. His skin was a sickly pale color and ran by a cold sweat and goosebumps, but other than his hands, Akito didn't betray a single emotion. He looked empty and disconnected from reality. Ena's heart hammered in her throat at the sight as the dreadful feeling finally fell and clicked in her brain; no, this couldn't be. Not Akito, not her strong and warm brother. No, Ena's mind stammered uselessly, please, no.
"Ena," he whispered, and his voice was weirdly shaking under the firm, weak tone he decided to use. It was as if he wasn't even trying to hide how tired he felt, something Ena understood way too well. Her hairs stood up painfully on her arms as he breathed in and continued: "Ena, I'm going to kill myself tonight".
Ena had always had suicidal thoughts, for as long as she could recall. She could remember being six and being terrified of being left alone in school, wishing to disappear and never have to face the fear that nestled in her mind. She could remember being eleven and being hit with critique time after time, being called useless and talent-less, a waste of money, a lost cause. She could remember being fifteen and wishing she could just disappear at the mere thought of the bleak future crushing her under its immense weight. Still, somehow, she carried on: she was still alive, breathing and full of passion for art and music. Her partners and the virtual singers in her Sekai had been a great help with her problems, spurring her on to challenge her struggles and overcome them, but she would be lying if she said Akito wasn't a huge part in her journey as well.
She had held him in her infantile arms when she was four, she had played with him and sang him to sleep, she had been there to put band-aids over his scratches and to kiss his bruises better, she had hugged him close when their parents fought or thunder loudly crashed down on the Earth and he was scared, she had been there with him when he had started to realize he was trans, supporting him as best as she could. In exchange, Akito brought her cheesecake and dinner when she was so deep in the murkiness of her own thoughts that she couldn't even move from her bed, he listened to her in those few rare occasions when she actually tried having a heart to heart conversation with him, he cut and washed her hair when her simple reflection became unbearable to look at. And - Ena wasn't sure if Akito was aware she knew - he always stood up for her in front of their father, he always liked her posts both on her personal account and her art account, and he kept the drawings she made for him tucked away safely, regardless if they were stupid silly doodles or pieces she had poured her heart and soul into.
Ena couldn't deny that she wasn't a good sister. There were so many moments were she had let Akito down, moments where she should've stood besides him, or behind him, giving the push or the support she was supposed to offer to him, but she wasn't. Because of her and their absent parents, Akito had been thrown in the real world all alone, without an inkling of guidance or a shoulder to lean on. Akito was a mirror of Ena: he soon started to crack, too, showing faults in his strong façade, in his confident and cold demeanor, weaknesses that lead him to fall and crash, before he slammed himself headfirst against any obstacle again and again, even when the pain wasn't worth it anymore, even if he had to sacrifice his happiness and feelings in order to overcome it.
And now here he was. Empty, cold, nothing left of the little ball of sunshine Ena had held in her arms years and years past. And it was so unfair. So, so unfair that Akito had to feel like this. He was the younger brother: he was supposed to be happy and safe, his way already paved and safe for him to walk, while Ena should have been the one sad and broken by her attempts of going through life while protecting him, or at least she believed so. Instead, they were here, looking at each other, sad, worn out, exhausted.
It was so unfair.
"There's mom's pills," Akito said, his voice progressively shakier and more hushed, fading into nothing because of his raw throat. Ena realized numbly that he had been singing so much that he had hurt himself. Had he at least taken off his binder to perform? Ena sure hoped so, she didn't want him risking any further physical injuries. "Or there are knives, or the bathtub, or-" he stopped himself to laugh, bitter, an anger aimed at his own self seeping in the reverberations running through Ena's room. "It's incredible how little it takes to end someone's life, isn't it?"
Ena's whole world had come to a hard stop after Akito had said he wanted to commit suicide. He wouldn't dare do it right in front of his sister, would he? Ena could never forgive herself if Akito was going to die, she couldn't, she couldn't, she wouldn't even want to. She felt as if she couldn't even forgive herself for letting him reach the point of thinking of trying. He shouldn't have turned out like her. He should have been happy and safe and he should have stayed the ball of sunshine he had used to be.
But then again, this wasn't about Ena. She could push aside her feelings for ten minutes and, for once, focus on her brother. She felt as if she could really see him just then, as if her murky and unclear vision had focused on him just now after her entire life. Jagged edges, burning colors, cold emotions.
"It really is incredible," she breathed out, finding her voice surprisingly steady, although breathy. "Isn't life incredible in the first place? Emotions as well".
"Don't". Akito's voice was extremely soft, so much so that Ena would've found it soothing in any other situation. "Please, don't".
"Has something happened?" she asked, ignoring his plea. If it were something else, maybe she would have dropped the subject and let Akito wallow in his pain until he was ready to tell her the truth, but now was no such moment. If she dropped the subject, she risked never hearing his voice again. "Did you fight with the others? What is it?"
"It's stupid," Akito shook his head.
"It's not stupid if you want to kill yourself". Ena's voice was still as steady as stone, but she was doing her best to sound comforting and welcoming. She knew how it felt to be spoken to with care and warmth in such dark moments, how helpful it could be, so she was trying to do so as well. "I'm your sister. You can tell me anything, I'll listen".
Akito looked off to the side and hugged himself close, as if to protect himself. "I fucked up," he said. "I fucked up so bad, Ena. We were performing, but my head felt so light, and everything was spinning, my eyes burnt, and I- I passed out. Right there on the fucking stage. I fell down and my teammates had to stop the performance to take me in the backstage and- Kohane and An had to apologize to everyone, they had- we were disqualified and I- I humiliated all four of us, y'know? I wouldn't care if it were just me on that stage, but- but it was all four of us, I dragged them down with me. When I woke up they were there with me and- and they asked me what was wrong, if I felt- felt sick, to please just tell them when something was wrong and... Fuck, Ena, how could I explain it to them? They'd fucking hate me- they wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, let alone in the same group-"
"Aki, slow down," Ena said. "Take a deep breath. Why did you pass out?"
Akito shifted his weight from a leg to another, clearly uncomfortable in his own skin. "Don't get mad at me, but... I haven't taken off by binder ever since yesterday. Y'know. It messed with my lungs and all".
Ena's eyes widened, shock taking over her, but also a weird kind of calm. As long as Akito was talking to her, he wasn't running off to find a way to kill himself. "You- what? You've slept and performed with your binder on?"
Akito grimaced. "Uh... Maybe? I've been feeling so dysphoric lately, I couldn't bear to…"
As her brother fell into silence, Ena sighed. "I can understand that, but you know that's dangerous for your health, Aki. You don't necessarily need to use binders. You could alternate with those tape rolls".
"Trans tape?" Akito asked. "I don't have that. I don't even know how to use it".
"We could buy some and look it up online," Ena proposed. "It shouldn't be that hard to figure it out. I bet there's tons of videos floating around on the internet on how to use it properly".
"Maybe," Akito relented, but Ena could almost read it in his face, what he was thinking: there's no point, I won't need it. Not after tonight.
"But still," Ena went on, taking a step closer to her brother, which only made him tense up, so she stopped in her tracks. "Why would your partners hate you? I don't see how you wearing a binder irresponsibly would make them think ill of you".
There was a short pause, Akito's eyes darkening and looking down at the space between him and his sister. "Ena," he said in a grave tone. It was a voice full of emotions, dark and filled with terror as Ena realized.
"You... Didn't tell them?" she asked in stupor.
Akito shook his head, letting his arms fall along his sides. "They don't know I'm trans. They think I'm a boy".
It took all of Ena's strength to not snap at him and say that he was a boy, no matter the shape of his body. He just was stubborn like that; Ena really couldn't understand it, how he could feel sick over his feminine features and still call himself a phony. You felt like another gender, you were that gender. What did his actual body have to do with it? Why would he have to suffer through terrible dysphoric attacks and feel sick over gender stereotypes just to think he was faking it all? It might have been because Ena was cis, but the fact that Akito doubted himself that much made no sense to her.
"Why haven't you told them?" she asked instead, softening her tone in the hope to sound the least accusing she could. "I don't think they'd have a problem with it. An even knows about Mizuki, they would never hate you for-"
"You don't fucking get it!" Akito shouted, and his voice cracked halfway through. His fists tightened at his sides, knuckles turning white as blood stopped running through them. "You don't fucking understand how it feels to be a fake, you don't! I try and try, but no matter what I do, I can never be who I want to. I can't sound right, I can't look right, I can't act right. It's fucking pointless, just- Just let me die, Ena, come on. No one's gaining anything by keeping me alive".
Ena felt as if her knees had turned to jello, shaking and barely keeping her up. She could only stand there because if she were to falter, if she were to give up and lose the last bit of strength she had in her, Akito would slip through her fingers, too. She had wished she were an only-child many times in her life, but now, the thought was unbearable. She would rather carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, go back in time and have to live again all of the pain she had endured rather than lose her little brother.
She crossed her arms in front of her chest, as if to find some sort of stability in her pulse. "Well, that's the problem, isn't it?" she asked, making her brother blink in confusion. "I don't understand. I don't understand, and that stops me from standing by your side. So- please, Akito. Tell me. Explain it to me. I may never fully understand, but I want to understand even a tiny fraction more, if it means you will feel better. Even if you don't- I want to be there for you. After all, that's what I'm here for, right?"
Her voice had cracked as a sweet smile, one of her small, genuine signs of love for her little brother that she rarely graced him with, slipped on her lips. "As a big sister, that's what I'm supposed to do".
Akito shook his head and took a step back, into the silver-filled corridor. The moonlight shone coldly on him, and it was so wrong. Not with how Akito always glowed like the Sun, with how warm and thoughtful and passionate he was. "No. You're Ena, not Akito's big sister," he whispered, looking behind himself, as if to find a way to escape the girl and carry out his plan in peace. Ena's blood ran cold.
"I am both!" Ena tried desperately, countering his movements with another step forward. She was now bathed in the cold, ruthless light as well, the pale reflection of the Sun, the play-pretend of her brother. "Akito, I'm begging you. I- Look, I know I'm not the best with words or emotions, but I want to have a real conversation with you. And- I have a feeling, you know? Please tell me if I'm right".
Akito took another unsure step back, both hands opening as blood began pulsing in them again, despairing, and he pressed his open palms against the walls. His eyes couldn't settle on anything and he was clenching his jaw so much that Ena feared he was going to crack his own teeth.
"You say you are going to kill yourself, but... Why would you tell me, before doing it? You know I'd- I would try to stop you. For how much we fight, that's- I would never want to see you... Gone".
A sharp inhale, and Akito's fingers curled against the concrete of the wall, silver reflecting off of it. His legs muscles contracted as if he were ready to bolt.
"Akito, what I think is that by telling me, you were... You were just hoping that I would stop you. You can't see a way out of this, you feel like you have to do this, but you are still giving yourself a possibility to not do it. A choice made by someone else that tells you that you still deserve to live, even if you think you don't".
Akito didn't reply. He didn't look at her. He inhaled again and shook his head vehemently after a few seconds of stillness, a shaky breath itching in his throat and- Ena realized that there were tears, pooling at the corners of his eyes. She also realized that she was holding back tears herself, because what is a big sister made for, if not to push down her emotions in favor of being strong for her siblings?
Akito's hands fell from the walls and he shook his head again. "I don't know," he gasped through the sobs that were bubbling up in his throat. "I don't fucking know, Ena. It's all- It's all so overwhelming, I can't think straight, ever since I climbed up on that stage I can't. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve to stand with them- They're so bright and talented and warm and kind, I just don't deserve them, I don't deserve their love or their support, I fucking don't. E-Ena, fucking God, they've given me everything on a silver plate, they would offer me the moon if they could, but what have I done to deserve it?! Nothing, I've just been a burden and a disappointment, failing again and again and again, I can't get better at singing, I will never be worthy of standing next to them when they will finally reach their dream. I don't even deserve to dream. And- it's not just about music. I-"
He took a sharp inhale and Ena could see his chest expand violently, as if his lungs were jerking back and forth to keep up with his racing thoughts. "Every time I look at myself, I just keep thinking, it's all so wrong. Why can't I just be a girl? Why can't I be quiet, behave, and be the little girl I am? Why do I have to feel so fucking wrong? Ena, Ena, I want to claw my stupid face off. I can't stand to be in my own skin, my own body, my own mind. It's so loud and messy, I can't bear it. Every time I sing it sounds so wrong, it's not my fucking voice, it's not, it just isn't! If only I were better, if only I could be a little bit stronger, if only I weren't trans…"
"Akito..." Ena murmured, stepping closer. This time he didn't retract. "Akito, you're not…"
"Sometimes I look at you," he went on, completely silencing Ena and making her freeze on the spot, "and I think, I wish I were like Ena. I wish I were strong like my sister. I wish I could figure out my problems and do something to solve them, try and get better, try to stop thinking all this shit. I wish I could be a girl just like her- a strong woman, someone who can walk through life with their head held high because- because she's been fucking trying, and she won't let anything bring her down. She will start again and get better, understand where the problems come from and act on them. I wish I were even a hundredth of the person you are, Ena. But no, no, I'm stuck here in the dark, and the best thing I can do for myself and all the people around me is fucking disappearing, since every time I've tried to fix my mistakes I've just fucked everything up more and more. I'll stop being a burden to you, to Touya and An and Kohane, you won't have to put up with my shit anymore and I hope you will be happy when I'll be gone, because you all deserve it so, so much more than me".
"No, no..." Ena mumbled, not strong enough to keep her tears from falling, burning along her cheeks as they raced down and on the ground, hitting the floorboards and splintering into tiny, shapeless shines resembling Ena's own despair. Was this what Akito thought about her? He looked up to her? Ena wasn't sure how she felt about it, between being proud of giving some inkling of hope to her brother and horrified of setting such a terrible and grime example considering the many mistakes she had made and the hardships she had to endure. "No, Akito, you... You've got it all wrong-"
Akito scoffed, not even drying his own tears. He just stood there, chest heaving and body shaking. "Of course I've got it wrong. Of fucking course-"
"Aki, no, no, please. Listen to me. Just this once". Was that desperation, seeping in Ena's now trembling voice? So much for being a steady, comforting presence for Akito. "You... You're not a burden. I don't care what people say- I've never seen you as one. Honestly, I've always been proud of you. I might have not realized when I was a little kid, but I was proud of you ever since. Do you- do you know that I still have the first drawing you've made for me?"
Akito's eyes widened. "You... You do?" he asked. "As an artist, why would you even keep a drawing made by a toddler...?"
"Because you were that toddler, Aki. Because it was made by my little brother, the one who swore to protect me from everything when he would grow up, the one who always tried to cheer me up when I was sad and that always walked hand in hand with me when we came back home from elementary school. And- I was so proud to call you my little brother. Well- I do call you that now. But the point still stands. I wouldn't want anyone else in the world. We might fight a lot, I might make fun of you around our partners, I might tell you to fuck off when I'm nervous, but I still love you with my entire heart, Akito. I truly do. You are the best brother I could ever ask for, and I couldn't deserve anything better than you".
Ena's mouth and throat were thick with urgency, words spilling from her lips as if they couldn't physically fit in her anymore and she had to get them out immediately. It was all true. It was all painfully true. She just hoped that Akito could see it himself.
His legs wobbled for a second, and before Ena could even blink, he was making a run for the bathroom. His feet pressed against the ground and he almost fell to his knees because of the attrition, the leather soles shrieking loudly against the floorboards, his arms breaking his momentum against the walls while Ena panicked, thinking that she had to follow him. Her body moved before she even realized: she ran after him, barefoot on the ground he was dirtying, and her left ankle even betrayed her by twisting and making her fall like an inert object to the ground. She hit her head against the wall, but she didn't care, she didn't, she didn't. All that mattered was Akito and his orange hair and warm glow disappearing behind the bathroom door. Ena didn't even give herself the time to gather back her strength that she was pushing herself back up on her knees and then on her feet, still dragged by inertia, and ran after her brother.
The lock clicked a split second before Ena could grab the knob. "Akito!" she called, but her vision was swimming and her head spun and she could hardly think straight anymore. "Akito, open the door!"
No answer came from inside besides a hard thud and chocked sobs. She heard Akito gasp for air, laments he tried to cut off scratching against his throat and bouncing against the walls of the room before seeping under the door to reach Ena. There was a sound of something made of plastic being knocked over and falling to the ground, leather shrieking and a quiet wail, and finally, a clang of metal against metal ringing through the room when water violently hit the floor of the bathtub.
No, no, no, Ena thought. "Fucking hell-" she mumbled, "Akito! Please, open the door! Akito!"
There was noise of more stuff being knocked over and falling to the ground, even something made of glass shattering and Akito let out an even louder, more painful sob at that. Ena heard him open the cabinet underneath the sink and that was when the situation really, finally hit her. She thanked everything above that they kept their pills and medicines in the kitchen rather than the bathroom.
"Akito!" she screamed, again and again and again, trying to think of a way to unlock that damned, looming white door. Where was the key? Akito had one copy in the bathroom, but what about the other? Did their mother keep it in her room? Was it in some cabinet in their living room? "Akito, listen to me, open the door!"
No, she didn't have the time to look for the other key. She didn't know where it was, she would have to sift through the entire house; by then, Akito would have already... "Akito, hey, listen to me, okay? I want to help you. What I said- it's true! It's all true and I swear I will do everything in my power to help you, okay? Please, open this door, and we can talk about it".
The noise of water splashing against the ceramic of the bathtub quickly turned into a sound of water bubbling, most likely because a thick layer of the sanitary had already been filled up. With each mocking gurgle, a precious moment fled from Ena; think, think, how do I open this door? She looked around, well aware that she couldn't break down the door itself, so the only option was picking the lock. In a frenzy, she pulled at her braid on the side of her hair, looking for the three bobby pins she used to keep it in place. One of the bobby pins fell to the ground, while another poked at the cartilage of Ena's ear as she took out the third and final one. Not trusting her shaky knees to bend down, she took the one touching her ear and shoved it in the lock. It took her a few tries: her hands were unsteady and she was loosing feeling in them, numbness spreading from the tips and up to her palms, wrists and elbows.
"I'm sorry, Ena," came from inside, a weak voice almost drowned out by sobs and the frizzle of the water. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You- you were a good sister, I swear. Thank you- for everything. For everything you've done for me up until now. You didn't... You didn't deserve all of this. You didn't deserve to be shut down again and again, you didn't deserve a shitty brother like me, you didn't deserve to be so alone for most of your life".
Ena felt her breath quicken and her vision swam not only from the fear and the hit on the wall, but from fresh tears as well. Her heart hammered against her chest and her fingers just couldn't hold the two pins in the lock right; she kept fumbling and almost lost her grip on them.
Another sound came from inside, of Akito opening another cabinet and shuffling the stuff inside, plastic, metal and paper clicking and clanging against each other. "You- you can have any of my things. You can have my CD player, my skincare products, even those hoodies you keep stealing from me in autumn. I understand if you don't want to keep my stuff anymore; just give it away to someone who needs it. I'm sorry, sis... I love you, even though it will never be enough, it will never be all of the love you deserve. I'm so sorry for not being closer to you. Please, Ena... Be happy, because you deserve it".
She felt the knob twist, the mechanism inside loosening. "Idiot!" she shouted. "We still have time to get closer, Akito! We can- we can be happy together, because you-" the lock clicked and Ena shoved the door open, tumbling inside and blinded by the neon light, "you deserve to be happy too!"
The water was overflowing, breaking over the bathtubs edge and cascading down on the floor. Akito held a hairdryer in one hand, expression bitter and empty, the plug of the electronic in his other hand, dangerously close to the power outlet.
Ena wasn't thinking anymore. She threw herself over her brother, latching her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. Between the momentum of the impact and the water on the ground, Akito almost fell back like Ena had in the corridor. "Don't you dare!" she screamed in his ear. "I won't let you die, not until you're all old and wrinkly and decrepit".
"Sis..." Akito whispered, his hand that was ready to plug the hairdryer in the socket now frozen, not daring to take the risk and hurt his sister. "Please…"
"No, no, Aki, I'm not letting you do this," she said, holding even tighter, almost choking him. There was a growing wet patch on Akito's hoodie, right where Ena was hiding her face, but that was the last of their worries at the moment. "Listen to me, hey- listen to me, okay? It's okay. It's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to hit a wall and not improve for a while. It's okay to feel like you aren't even alive sometimes, that you go on through sheer inertia. It's okay to do things your own way, not how people say you should, to be who you are, and move at your own pace. You are sixteen, it's normal to fuck up and feel awful and hurt both yourself and others with your words and failures. It's normal, it's all okay if it happens- Akito, you don't have anything to be ashamed of".
Akito's arms hesitantly yet surely rose, hairdryer still in hand, and hugged Ena. She felt the wire wrap around her, the water flow on the floor and the beak of the electronic pressing against her back, but she didn't care. The only thing that mattered was her brother and his loud heartbeat.
"It's just..." he said slowly, as if testing the shape of the words on his tongue, "I just don't know what else to do. I don't know what to do to fix things. I can't- I can't see a way out anymore, you know? But, I also don't want things to change. I want to get better, I want to sing my heart out, I want to convey something with our music- and I know I need to open up to do that. I need to let my teammates in, and- and that's so scary, Ena. I have to be honest with them, but I'm scared. I'm so scared that if I am honest with them, they'll hate me, that they'll see me differently... I don't want them to look down at me, to disgust them…"
"Your music and your partners really are the things you hold closest to your heart, aren't they?" Ena asked with a small smile.
Akito juggled her weight around and let the hairdryer fall in the empty sink. Realizing that, Ena let go of his waist and fell back on her feet, but did not pull back from the hug. "I love them more than anything else," he confirmed.
"Then you should tell them. Not right away, but when you are ready. I can be with you, if you need me, but I'm sure they will love you all the same. They have loved you no matter what you did until now, no matter how many times you ran away from them and took the fall. They showed it tonight, they care about you so much, I know they will support you and you will improve together. I am talking from experience, but... You will need to put so much effort on your end. I will be here to help you, I'm sure An, Touya and Kohane will as well, but to get out of this destructive cycle you must be the one that does most of the work. We just... We just ensure that nothing from the outside disrupts your attempts to get better".
"You..." Fingers dug in Ena's back, unsure, desperate to hold her. "You think I can find a way out?"
"I'm sure you will find it". She gently rocked him, swaying in place as water drenched her feet and her heart began to slow down. "You can wait just a little bit longer to orient yourself and sort out your thoughts and emotions. You don't have to decide anything tonight, you can live a little longer. Death will come either way, so why bring it closer to you, when there might be something incredible waiting for you? Why discard your future like that?"
Ena brought a hand to the tangled orange locks and began to run her fingers through it, an action that made Akito immediately melt into her embrace. A stupid, playful part of her brain that was itching to escape the somber situation thought that she should tell Akito's partners to play with his hair more often, if they didn't already.
In retrospective, it had taken Ena a lot of work and self-discovery to come to these conclusions. She knew that Akito had to experience a healing journey himself and that those words wouldn't really register in his brain until he came to tell them to his own self one day and make them truly his, but a push was all it took to sway a person over the edge that separated life and death. If she could do even the smallest of things to make her brother happier, then so be it. She was the older sister: she was supposed to face the hardships of life and pave the way for her brother, to guide him and lend him a supporting hand when he needed it.
Akito inhaled deeply against the crook of his sister's neck, then released his breath. "Am I allowed to live?" he questioned in a tranquil voice.
Ena pressed her mouth in Akito's hair, her face scrunching up because those words felt like an awaited stab to her proved heart. "Of course you are allowed to live, Aki," she murmured. "Do you want to?"
There was a beat of silence, broken only by the dripping water and the faucet struggling to spew it out any longer. "Do I want to live?" he echoed slowly. "Do I want to die? I don't know, Ena. I just know that my emotions are a mess right now. I don't want to be tied down by judgment and fear and rejection. All I want is to sing my heart out. That's what I truly want".
"Then, that can be your way out. Sing your heart out, without worrying of making mistakes".
Akito nodded against her. "I will. Thank you, Ena".
Ena ruffled his hair with a chuckle. "Anytime, Aki. Do you think you can sleep?"
Akito hummed, a deep sound that Ena had come to know very well in the last couple of years. "Maybe. Can you... Can you stay with me? I'm scared I'll get overwhelmed again if I'm alone and that I will…"
His words may have trailed off, but Ena understood perfectly. "Sure. Let's get you out of that binder first, though".
Akito let out a small, deprecatory laugh. "Yeah, yeah, you're right…"
Their hands entwined, an action that made Ena feel like a little kid again, walking home from school with her tiny adorable brother at her side, his once long hair swaying in the wind. She was glad that she hadn't lost forever that kind of bond with her brother. With Akito trailing behind, Ena walked to the bathtub, closed the faucet and opened the drain, letting the water wash away.
She noticed Akito staring at the wet floor and all the bottles and boxes he had knocked on the ground with a guilty expression, so she sighed and reassured him: "I'll clean everything up later. Don't worry about it".
Akito huffed a breath, but gave a condescending nod. They walked back to Akito's room and Ena passed him some loose clothes he could sleep in while he took off his binder. She ruffled his hair once more when he was done changing and he laughed, telling her to fuck off. They laid on his bed, just like when they were kids, Ena underneath and Akito on top of her, his arms wrapped around her sides and his head safely tucked away in her neck. She rubbed soothing circles in his back while humming Akito's favorite song under her breath, and soon he was dozing off.
"Sis...?" he called after a while in a groggy voice, kneaded with sleep.
Ena stopped humming. "What is it?" she asked gently.
Akito didn't answer right away. He tapped his fingers against Ena's ribs in a familiar rhythm, and eventually whispered: "thank you for stopping me. And... For telling me all of that encouraging and hopeful stuff. I keep thinking about it and... It's really helping. I should've started coming to you for help sooner".
Ena shrugged. "I'm always here for you, if you need me," she said.
"Do you mind if you help me tell about this whole mess to Kohane, An and Touya?" he then asked, shoulders tensing. "I mean... Everything. About me being trans, of why I sing, and what happened tonight?"
A small exhale, then a small kiss on the crown of Akito's head. "Of course. Whenever you're ready, I'll be there to help you retell everything. Go to bed now, okay? We can talk some more about it tomorrow when you'll be calmer".
Akito hummed in approval. "You need to calm down and relax too, though. I must have scared you a lot. I'm sorry about it," he guessed, a pained expression making its way on his face.
Ena flicked his head. "Stop apologizing," she reprimanded. "I know how bad and confusing it can get. Sleep before you can overthink everything".
Akito gave her a little laugh. "Sure, sure... Goodnight, Ena".
The room fell into relative silence as Akito fell asleep and his sister kept singing a small lullaby for him. Ena kept carding her fingers through his hair, thinking back on everything that had happened ever since he had stumbled back in their house. She was just extremely grateful that he was still alive, warm and bright in her dull arms. Her sunshine brother, that after the eclipse, was starting to glow once again, and Ena was going to do anything possibly in her power to help him do so.
Her eyelids soon started to drop as well, so she let out a little sigh and pressed a last kiss on her brother's head. "I'm so glad you're still here with me, Aki..." she murmured. All she could feel was his heartbeat against hers, despairing as it pumped the blood in her little brother's body, but hopeful all the same as it meant he would see another day. Ena fell asleep enveloped in Akito's heat, the unsteady beat that reassured her that no matter how confused and scary their thoughts could get, no matter how much hurt and doubts they might face in the future, they would still be there, by each other's side.