Chapter Text
It’s not that Buck disliked Frank. It’s just that the only reason Buck was even there was because the department insisted. As well as a clean bill of health, drug test, and passing the basic physical to prove to everyone that he wouldn’t keel over if he got too winded.
Buck didn’t really see the point. Dr. Copeland had kept her questions open and unhurried and while Buck knew he wouldn’t get so lucky to hope that she would drop it, he appreciated that she was letting him talk about it on his own time.
Frank, however, was like a deadline. Another check mark Buck needed to accomplish before he’d finally be able to get back to work.
It wasn’t his first rodeo with Frank either. The armchair was the same with overstuffed beige cushions that sank beneath his weight. Buck picked at a loose thread with his finger, twisting and turning the string around until he cut off the blood flow before releasing it.
“Have any new memories from that night come back?” Frank asked.
The thread snapped free from the fabric. Buck looked up beneath his lashes, not sure if he was brave enough to see if Frank would take the destruction of property and write a note in his file. But Frank just waited with his hands folded in his lap.
Buck sighed and dropped the string before leaning back into the cushion of the chair. He fiddled with his fingers and shrugged as he shook his head.
“No,” Buck said. “Just the same stuff before.”
Frank hummed and Buck waited for the inevitable suggestion; the leading prompt that was supposed to steer him in the direction of being able to miraculously get his memory back. It never worked. No matter how hard he tried. It never worked. Buck had lost count of the amount of headaches he gave himself in the process of trying.
That night was just gone.
But Frank didn’t ask that. Instead he said, “And how has that grieving process been?”
Buck blinked at him. That hadn’t been what he’d been expecting. He’d done the show and dance with Frank enough times to have the script memorized so the question was enough to throw him for a loop.
Frank’s mouth quirked up in the corners and Buck realized he’d been caught. Eddie had called it smug once. Not in an unkind way. It wasn’t a patronizing smile or the trappings of a smirk but Buck knew it was the only glimpse of his own thoughts that Frank allowed. It was his only acknowledgement that he showed that he knew he’d managed to surprise him.
“I… I don’t know what you mean?” Buck asked.
Frank’s shift was subtle in a blink and you would’ve missed it kind of way. His shoulders relaxed but his eyes were zeroed in on Buck and Buck alone.
“You lost a lot that night.” Frank tipped his hand and Buck stared at the pen as it dipped with gravity in the webbing of his fingers. “It would be pretty understandable to feel a certain way about that.”
Buck’s stomach churned.
“Yeah, well I didn’t lose anything,” he said.
“Your memories?” Frank countered. “You lost several hours of your life that you might not get back.”
The heat in Frank’s office was always so stifling.
“I’ve made peace with that,” Buck said.
Buck had. He had. The doctors had told him over and over and over again that his memory may never come back. Buck had accepted that he would always have to carry around that dark stain in his head where his memories should’ve been.
He just wished people would stop pestering him about it.
“Okay.” Frank tipped his chin. “But then what about your sense of security?”
Buck’s jaw ached from how hard he was clenching his teeth.
“Nothing happened.” Buck sniffed, the heat trapping in his cheeks. Seven other men had a number just like Buck but Buck was not like them. He wasn’t the same. He’d gotten away. “I got lucky.”
Frank’s eyebrow arched. “Does it feel that way?”
Buck shifted in his seat as a flush of cold dashed under his too hot skin. “What?”
“Do you feel lucky?”
Buck’s first instinct was to lie. That had been his instinct since the moment he had walked out of the hospital. Lie. Pretend. Conceal everything so everyone would stop poking the bruises to see if he would tear.
But Frank had a nose for lies. Buck had learned that the hard way.
And Buck…
Buck hated how the lying was making him feel. Like there was a poison in his veins that was slowly spreading beyond his control. They made his limbs feel heavy and left a sour taste in his mouth.
Did he feel lucky?
“No.”
He felt angry. Pissed off that he was having to sit in that chair and open himself up to be doubted and questioned because of something he didn’t ask for. He felt terrified that the great big hole in his memory was going to stretch wide and eat him whole. He felt unsure about everything. Scared of everything. Lost from everything. Everything that mattered.
He wanted Maddie and Bobby and Athena and Hen and Chim to stop looking at him like he was about to break. He wanted to be able to go to sleep without fighting his body because it thought he was dying again.
He wanted…
Buck felt the familiar tightness twist his lungs in his chest and he forced himself to exhale.
Frank waited.
“I should though,” Buck said, staring at Frank’s shoulder because it was easier than admitting to his face that Buck almost wished he had been attacked. Maybe then it would be easier. Maybe then the guilt wouldn’t feel like it was drowning him from the inside out. “Nothing happened to me. I wasn’t raped. I wasn’t left somewhere to wake up thinking I was. I wasn’t beaten up. I got away. I should feel lucky.”
But Buck didn’t.
“Just because something wasn’t worse,” Frank said slowly. “Doesn’t mean that something bad didn’t happen in the first place.”
Buck didn’t say anything to that. He didn’t know what to say.
Frank seemed to sense that Buck had been pushed as far as he could go on the topic that day. He wrote a quick note, something short with a flick of his pen that swooped with his own handwriting, before he lifted his finger to run across his top lip in thought. He considered Buck for a moment and Buck fought back the instinct to curl up in the overstuffed beige armchair and sleep.
He felt twitchy, like a sparking wire that was slowly dying.
“What about Eddie?” Frank asked.
Buck flushed again. Hot burning lava in his veins that were blooming into his cheeks until he was sure he was splotchy with a blush. Outside of the all consuming panic that had sapped him of his strength and sense, Buck could still hear it. The way Eddie’s voice had been like a guide line through the haze and smoke that led him to safety. The soft caress of the pet name even in his desperation that Buck didn’t think Eddie even realized he had said.
Buck shivered at the memory of it; of the way Eddie had smelled where Buck had tucked his nose against his throat.
Frank remained completely neutral in the momentary melting of Buck’s brain.
“What…” Buck’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “What about him?”
Frank’s lips twitched and Buck’s eyes narrowed. “You’ve mentioned before that you feel comfortable around him.”
That sounded like a lie. If anything, Buck felt the opposite of comfortable. Buck couldn’ hide from Eddie. No matter how much he tried.
Eddie had a window that could peer into the deep depths of Buck’s soul and Buck was always aware of when he was looking. His skin would light up like it was on fire. His blood would sing.
But the thing about windows was that you could see through on both sides of the glass.
And Buck knew Eddie was worried.
“In some ways, you two went through part of this trauma together. How has he been handling this?” Frank asked.
Buck almost didn’t answer.
Eddie finally stopped looking like he swallowed a lemon every time he uttered the word therapy. Buck didn’t think he’d like it if he knew Buck was reporting back to Frank.
Scratch that. Buck knew Eddie would hate it.
But maybe Frank could actually help Buck in that department. In the very Eddie shaped department that frequented most of Buck’s waking thoughts.
“He… hovers.” Buck relented. It seemed kinder than calling him a helicopter. “I think I scared him.”
Frank considered that for a moment.
“Having a loved one call for help in the middle of the night is a scary thing.”
Buck didn’t correct him. He had a feeling that would only add more notes to his file and Buck knew he’d have to come back for another session before Frank gave him the all clear.
Instead, he shook his head.
“It’s not just that. I…”
What? How did he begin to explain to Frank that it wasn’t just the panic attack and the dizziness and the full body flinching to remember to breathe?
I don’t want to hurt you.
That was what Eddie had said, right? When Buck had begged him to stay?
“I remember calling him.” Buck hadn’t said that out loud. Not willingly. Frank remained impassively unresponsive to that revelation. “I think I remember, I mean. And I… remember thinking he wouldn’t pick up.”
Frank’s brows furrowed. “Why is that?”
Buck’s lungs went tight, his palms sweaty. The claws of panic prickled at the back of his neck and Buck forced himself to breathe.
C’mon, baby. C’mon. Breathe. Just breathe.
Again, Frank waited for him, his eyes alert but letting Buck find his way out of the storm on his own.
Buck’s gaze drifted to the loose thread on the armchair and he rubbed his palm over the almost unnoticeable hole left behind. The texture of the fabric was rough beneath his palm.
“Because I was on a date with someone,” Buck said. He couldn’t remember the date. He couldn’t remember the taste of his drink. He couldn’t remember what he was thinking or how his thought process switched over into survival instincts.
But Buck remembered Eddie’s face. The guilt he’d felt churn in his stomach when he saw the way Eddie’s expression twitched when Buck had announced he had a date; the same twitch Buck tried not to see in the graveyard when Buck word vomited about how he thought Natalia saw him.
Guilt and longing had snaked up into Buck’s heart and taken it captive, squeezing every time he thought of that twitch.
Frank’s eyebrows lifted. “And that was enough to make you doubt if your best friend would answer the phone when you needed him?”
“Well no! But…” Buck trailed off, his throat clicking as he swallowed. “It’s stupid. Eddie always picks up. I just… It’s complicated.”
Buck resisted even as his chest went tight again. Frank didn’t give him an out that time so Buck made one himself. His eyes scanned for a clock to see how much longer they had but Frank had an annoying rule about watches.
Frank didn’t let Buck off so easy.
“So uncomplicate it for me,” Frank said and Buck could feel the words pushing at his chest. “Did Eddie not like your date?”
“He didn’t know him,” Buck said. He didn’t add that Eddie’s jaw muscle tightened every time someone mentioned Ben’s name around him.
“Did you have plans with Eddie and cancel on him to go on this date?”
“No.” Buck was quick to get out. “I’d never ditch Eddie for that.”
Buck knew what it was like to be the one left behind. Sure, when things had been serious with Taylor, Buck had balanced his time between his best friend and his girlfriend. But Taylor had liked having her independence. For all her traits that prickled or rubbed wrong against his own, Taylor understood how important his relationship with Eddie was.
But a one off dinner and drinks? No.
Frank nodded. “So then why would you think Eddie wouldn’t answer the phone?”
Buck shoulders bunched up to his ears.
“I don’t know.” A lie.
“Did Eddie have a problem with you dating a man?” Frank probed.
Buck shot Frank a glare. “You know he didn’t.”
“So then why?” Frank asked, leveling his own calm look back at him. Buck didn’t answer. He didn’t know if he could. Frank tipped his hand and Buck watched as the pen dipped into the webbing of his fingers again. “You’ve mentioned before how Eddie is one of your safe spaces. You feel like you can be your real self around him. And despite this trauma that you both went through, you still seem to consider Eddie a person you can go to for comfort and security.”
Buck’s cheeks flushed as he thought of the way Eddie had held him through the fallout of his panic attack. Embarrassment was an invasive species in his thoughts but there was something else there. Something that was blooming beneath his ribs and growing a field of goosebumps up his arms.
Buck had wanted to stay tucked against Eddie forever.
“So why would you doubt if he would answer when you called?”
“Because it wasn’t with him.” The tight band around his chest snapped on his confessional. Clean air slipped past Buck’s lips and expanded into his lungs and for the first time in what felt like ever, Buck didn’t have a hitch reminding him to breathe. Frank didn’t react and Buck said it again. “I was on a date with someone that wasn’t him.”
“And you think he wanted it to be with him instead?”
A humorless laugh snorted up into Buck’s nose as he dug his nail into the hole of the fabric again. “I don’t know what he wants.”
“What about you?” Frank asked. “Do you know what you want?”
Buck lifted his gaze up at Frank because the only reason Frank was asking was because he knew the answer.
Sure, Buck had built a rapport with Frank. One that started when Buck had to go to sessions with him after his leg and extended whenever he needed it. Buck liked having Dr. Copeland as something separate outside of his job. But Frank was different. He was there to soothe the initial sting of the trauma impact.
The next time Buck saw Frank had been when Eddie had forty feet of solid mud fall on top of him. Bobby had insisted and Buck had resisted.
But it was that session that Buck suspected Frank knew. He’d never pushed Buck about it before though. He was then.
Buck could feel it digging in between his ribs, putting him on guard.
Buck swallowed and looked away.
“Him.”
Buck had always wanted him.
The world began and ended with Eddie.
Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
“So why won’t you let Eddie in?”
Buck bit down on his cheek and didn’t answer.
Frank watched him for a few minutes and Buck didn’t know what else to say. But then Frank set his pen and notebook aside and leaned back in his chair, lacing his fingers together in front of him.
“I’m not saying this to pressure you, Buck,” Frank said. “But you’ve asked me before for honesty. To say the things your friends and family won’t say to you because you think they want to protect you. And that may be true. Without breaking any sort of privilege, I’ve met enough people in your life to get context for the extent of the love they have for you.”
Heat built up at the back of Buck’s eyes. It was everything he ever wanted. But—
“But,” Frank said as if reading Buck’s thoughts. “You’ve struggled in the past to believe that.”
Frank braced his elbows on the arm of his chair and leaned forward so that Buck could see the speckles in his eyes. Buck sucked in a breath and held it.
“You’ve been through something no one should ever have to go through. You had your power stripped away, your autonomy ripped away, and your sense of safety stolen away from you.”
The pressure behind Buck’s eyes was getting harder and harder to hold back. A single hot tear left a scalding trail down the side of his cheek and Buck brushed a fist against it to wipe it away, ignoring the box of tissues beside him.
Frank’s gaze softened and surprisingly, Buck took comfort for once in the sympathy.
“No one will ever know what you’ve been through.” Frank shook his head. “And I’m not saying you have to tell Eddie how you feel about him. But what I am saying is that for part of your trauma, you weren’t alone. You had somebody there who picked up the phone when you called.”
More tears were slipping free and Buck’s chin trembled even as he bit his lip to try and get it to stop.
“Eddie picked up the phone, Buck,” Frank said. “And I have a feeling he will pick it up again whenever you’re ready to make that call.”
“For closure?” Buck croaked, his voice thick with the deluge of emotions he was fighting back with his teeth. Desperation was spreading like smoke in veins even as his own denial crumbled to the ground beneath his feet.
But Frank just shrugged.
“For anything,” he said.
Anything.
Anything seemed like too much to ask.
Eddie had walked into literal war zones that were less scary than walking into Buck’s loft.
“It’s me!” He called as he let himself in, his key still warm from his palm.
Buck’s apartment smelled clean and fresh now that Buck had cleaned since he could stand up without getting dizzy. Eddie had indulged himself in a few self soothing counter scrubs those late nights when Buck had been fighting sleep even though he had to keep his eyes shut when his vision wouldn’t stop spinning. The bedding from his couch where Maddie or Bobby or Eddie had slept was put away, the trash had been taken out, the countless casserole dishes from well wishers were washed, and Buck had a load of laundry rumbling in the closed off closet. The scent of his laundry detergent washed Eddie with an almost unreal sense of comfort.
“Hey,” Buck said as he hurried down the stairs without even a hint of a wobble. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”
Eddie’s heart did a double tap against his ribcage when he saw the way Buck’s hair was still wet from his shower, curls slicked and coiled at the crown of his head.
“I uh…” Eddie cleared his suddenly dried throat. “I didn’t either.”
It sounded silly now that he was saying it and a delirious huff of a laugh fell out before he could catch it. Buck’s lips twitched down in concern and Eddie felt the spike of panic take hold of his nerve.
“I just got off my shift and started driving and—” God, that sounded worse.
“You okay?” Buck asked and his eyes flashed. “Did... did something happen during your shift? Are you hurt?”
Buck crossed the distance between them like it was so easy and Eddie’s head spun as the scent of Buck's minty shampoo wafted around him.
God, he was a mess.
“No, I’m fine! I’m okay! Promise.”
Buck reached out to touch him like he didn’t quite believe him and Eddie’s blood felt like it was on fire before he even got close. But then Buck stopped, his fingers just on the precipice that they never crossed and lingered for too long. Except for that day when Buck fell into a fitful sleep against his chest after his panic attack. And that time he swooned into Eddie’s arms as his lips turned blue. And that time he dropped his strength to pound Buck’s chest as he tried to force it back into rhythm. And that time Eddie could only remember pain pain pain as he was dragged through the cooling puddle of blood on too hot concrete.
Fear pushed them together.
Eddie couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if they crossed it for something else for once.
“Touch me.” Eddie wanted to say. The words lodged themselves in his throat.
But Buck stopped, his fingers twitching in open air, before curling in as his arm dropped and Eddie couldn’t help but mourn the loss.
“You’re okay?” Buck asked, his brow furrowed over those blue eyes that Eddie could’ve gotten lost in a thousand times and would’ve waited in line to get lost in them again for another.
“I’m okay!” Eddie promised and Buck’s smile flickered into place in the wake of his relief. Eddie didn’t realize he was smiling too until he felt the stretch in his cheek. “I just… wasn’t ready to go home to an empty house yet. Chris has some gamer streaming party sleepover thing that’s been going on and I just… wanted to check in on you. See how you were doing.”
Eddie hoped that wasn’t as lame as it had sounded.
Buck perked up and okay it had definitely sounded lame.
“You miss me,” Buck said, too smug and too cute for his own good.
Eddie rolled his eyes and played along. It was easier than confessing that he missed Buck every second he spent without him.
“Whatever,” Eddie said and he took a quick study of Buck just to check himself. “You’re clearly fine. Do you want to—”
But then Eddie did a double take and took Buck in for real.
Buck looked good. Really good. His dark washed jeans hugged the curve of his waist that Eddie had dreamed about curling his hands around once or twice. His shirt was one of his favorites. A teal grey color that brought out his eyes and had a nice texture to the material that Buck liked to rub his fingers against when he was feeling nervous or antsy. Three buttons were lined down the center of it at the base of his throat with one artfully undone to show off the dip of his collarbone.
It was one of Eddie’s favorite shirts too.
Buck had shaved too and beneath the peppermint of his shampoo was the soft woodsy scent of his aftershave.
And he was wearing shoes. His white sneakers that he took meticulous care of so they looked practically brand new.
“Oh.” Was all Eddie could say. “Are you…”
Buck winced as he took a step back and Eddie tried not to flinch at how easily the distance between them grew.
“Oh um…” Buck shot Eddie an apologetic look as he wrung his hands together. “I was actually… I have… a thing tonight.”
Eddie tried to pretend like his heart was shattering into a million pieces in his chest. “A date?”
“No!” Buck said, frowning as he shook his head. “No, definitely not a date.”
So not a date.
Buck just… tried to put himself together for… not a date.
“I’m just… I’m meeting someone. To talk.” Buck’s sentences were getting choppier and choppier and Eddie didn’t know why his stomach was being weird about it.
Buck’s knuckle popped and Eddie watched as he flexed his fingers into the release. He reached up to tug on his curls at the back of his head. Alarm bells started going off against Eddie’s temples.
Something was off. Buck was off and he didn’t know why Buck was acting weird when it was just Eddie in the room.
“Frank,” Buck said in lieu of an explanation. “Said that it might be good for me to try and get some closure about what happened.”
Eddie’s mouth was too dry to speak so he nodded.
“On my own terms so that I could… try gaining back some control.”
“Makes sense,” Eddie said, his lips numb. It did make sense. Buck deserved that. But what didn’t make sense was that Buck was acting weird. Especially not when it was just Eddie in the room and Buck had never hid from Eddie. Not unless he knew Eddie would try and talk him out of it. Not unless…
“Who are you meeting, Buck?”
Buck said nothing for a moment and heated flushed into Eddie’s veins.
Maybe he knew. Maybe some part of his brain that knew Buck like he knew his own name knew what Buck was going to say.
But it still felt like a slap in the face anyway.
“Ben.”
Eddie blinked at him as he tried to wrap his head around what he just heard.
“Ben?” Eddie repeated numbly. Buck shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Ben as in the guy who isn’t supposed to be contacting you. That Ben?”
Buck blew out a breath as he dropped his gaze to the floor. “Eddie…”
“The same Ben who is suspected of drugging you?”
“The cops cleared him,” Buck said weakly. When Eddie didn’t say anything to that, Buck’s shoulders slumped and color flooded into his cheeks. “He reached out to apologize and asked if I wanted to get a drink.”
“And you agreed?” Eddie’s blood was rushing through his ears.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had to be dreaming, caught up in a nightmare again. But there was Buck with his jaw ticking in annoyance, looking gorgeous, and willingly walking into the arms of a man who had been told to stay the fuck away from him.
“What do you want me to say Eddie?” Buck demanded, his voice not going louder but the strain of his frustration cracking the words in his throat. “He’s the only other person who was there that night. He might have answers—”
“Or he might spike your drink again!”
It was the push Buck had been fighting against since he woke up in the hospital.
“What do you care?”
An ugly sound tore from Eddie’s throat as if Buck had punched his fist into him and ripped it out himself. Buck’s eyes widened like he didn’t mean to say that out loud but he did. He did and there was no taking it back. The words were out like a challenge, finally fighting against the walls they had built up between them that kept them safe from all of this.
“I care because I can’t get another phone call like that again!” Eddie said, his voice so low that it hurt. His hand shook as he pointed to the side where he shoved those memories away to keep being able to function as a person. “I don’t fucking sleep, Buck. Every night I have nightmares that I don’t pick up the phone and you…”
Eddie’s lungs heaved as he sucked in a breath and it was like everything crashed down around him. Buck was looking at him like he didn’t know what he was seeing and…
Eddie never wanted to make Buck feel guilty for calling him. He’d been prepared to go to his grave with Buck never knowing just how fucking terrifying this whole experience had been and Eddie hadn’t even been the one who—
Eddie curled his fist at his side. “I can’t go through that again.”
Buck stared at him, frozen in the aftermath of Eddie’s confession.
Buck was so far away. It would take two steps for Eddie to be in his space; to breathe in the same air and feel the heat of his body. Two, massive steps and he could pull Buck to him and never let him go.
But then Eddie saw Buck’s decision on his face.
“I need to do this, Eddie,” Buck said and Eddie didn’t know how his chest didn’t cave in.
Buck’s mind was made up and Eddie needed to go.
Eddie nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”
He turned before he did something stupid like say something that would hurt the same way his heart was hurting.
“Eddie…” Buck said but Eddie didn’t wait.
He needed to go. He needed…
Eddie needed to go. He needed his heart to not hurt so fucking much.
Eddie didn’t look back as he left and Buck didn’t stop him.
Buck knew he was annoying people. Hard not to when you were standing in the middle of the road not moving. The barely hushed huffs of irritations were washing over him like a wave trying to push him forward.
Buck had been about to walk in. His feet had guided him from his uber. His wallet, phone, and keys had been in his pocket. The brightly lit front of the bar had greeted him.
And then Buck had stopped. Froze. Caught at a crossroads where each path seemed long and terrifying. His feet rooted themselves to the ground and he couldn’t push forward.
The bouncer at the door checking IDs was watching him but so far hadn’t said anything. Buck could hear the music even from outside, loud and pulsing.
It should’ve been familiar. But it wasn’t. Inside Buck’s memories had fallen away and no one had picked them up to be returned.
Buck had thought it was a good idea to come back. He’d hoped it would’ve jogged a memory or two even if it was a bad one. But there was nothing.
Nothing at all.
Just the sense of a cloying deja vu at the base of his skull and nothing else.
Fear attempted to latch onto his spine as he tried to push one step forward. A cold sweat was coating his skin and a tremble had set in his hands. But all he had to do was take one step. One step was all he needed to prove that the loss of those memories didn’t own him. He was still him. He was still his own person. He was still Buck.
Ben was probably waiting for him inside. Buck wasn’t going to drink anything. It was going to be fine.
One step.
That was all he needed and the rest would be easy.
Buck stepped up onto the curb and…
He couldn’t do it.
No, that wasn’t right.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t.
He didn’t want to.
Buck didn’t want to go in.
He wanted…
Buck’s breath got trapped in his lungs, stuttering in his chest, until he hiccuped it out. The bouncer shot him another look, concerned but mostly suspicious, and Buck turned away as he rubbed at his sternum with his knuckles.
He didn’t want to go in. He didn’t want to be there.
Buck had been so certain that to move on he needed closure. He’d been on the hunt for clarity for so long that he’d missed that he already had it. Frank had been trying to tell him. Buck had had it since the moment Eddie answered the phone.
His phone was pressed against his ear before he even realized what he was doing. It rang once.
Once before there was the soft click and the even softer breathing on the other line that somehow managed to fill Buck’s lungs with oxygen.
“Eddie?”
“Are you okay?” Eddie asked, his voice flat like he was still angry.
He probably was. But he was still there when Buck needed him.
“You answered.” Buck breathed, squeezing his eyes shut. “You always answer.”
“Buck.” Eddie said Buck’s name a little sharper, barely contained anger seeping away into worry. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.” Buck opened his eyes and the soft evening air stung. The knot lodged in his throat was hard to swallow around but he needed to say it. “I just… I didn’t think you would answer.”
“Well, you called.” Was all Eddie said.
“Yeah.” Buck dropped his gaze down to his toes where the big monumental step of the curb seemed less impressive now; less important. “But you’re mad at me.”
Eddie didn’t say anything for a long time. Then,
“Yeah.” He breathed and it felt like a truce.
But Buck wasn’t done.
“That night. You didn’t like that I was on a date with Ben then either. You never said anything I don’t think but… I knew.” He got out and the silence on the other line was terrifying. He didn’t dare take away the phone to see if Eddie was still on the line. He pressed his phone harder against his ear. “Eddie?”
“I’m here,” Eddie said so quietly.
“Why did you answer?” Buck pressed.
More silence and Buck was sure Eddie wasn’t going to answer. They were going to keep dancing around each other and pretend like the distance between them wasn’t eating them up inside. But Buck couldn’t keep pretending anymore.
Eddie’s throat clicked. “You know why.”
It felt like a release. The knot dislodged from Buck’s throat as his heart soared in his chest and it all came tumbling out.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Eddie. I… Can you come get me? This.. This was a mistake. I don’t want to be here.” Buck threw an apologetic glance to the bouncer and the bar with Ben in it before he started to walk away. “I want… I want to be with you.”
Something rustled on the other side like Eddie was grabbing his coat.
“I’m on my way,” Eddie said and Buck’s chest ached at how easy it was; how easy it always was when it came to Eddie. “Where are you?”
“I’ll send you the don’t get murdered location,” Buck said and Eddie let out an honest to god giggle that had Buck dizzy all over.
“I’ll be there soon.”
Buck waited around for a few minutes to see if he could catch Ben before he went in but the longer he waited, the antsier he got. The bar was like a looming nightmare held back by Buck’s pure will not to run away and never look at it again. There was a coffee shop around the block he knew and the street would be calmer for Eddie to navigate his truck to come find him.
Buck texted Ben and apologized for flaking. He’d never sent a lamer ‘it’s not you, it’s me ’ text in all his life, but he needed to do it. He’d been left waiting in a bar plenty of times to know the sting could spread and Buck never wanted to be the cause of that. He didn’t wait for a response and instead sent Eddie a text telling him he’d meet him at the coffee shop before he turned and cut through the alleyway.
The cobblestones beneath his feet were pitted with potholes and cracks that had to be murder on the shocks of any delivery trucks that drove down it. Buck avoided them as much as he could because it would be just his luck that he’d confess his feelings to Eddie on the ground after rolling his fucking ankle.
And holy shit. He was going to do it. He was going to let free the fluttering in his chest that always built up into an uncontrollable crescendo when Buck was around Eddie. He was going to cross that distance between them and tell Eddie that he never wanted to go on a date with Ben; he never wanted to go on a date with anyone but Eddie.
The alleyway was open and bigger than most with small breakaway spaces for businesses down the side and a long line of dumpsters. The scent of cigarette smoke wafted in the air, dampened by the mildew cooling off after a day under the sun. Buck tried to breathe through his mouth as he crossed but the stench was unmistakable.
The familiarity was unsettling though. Buck couldn’t figure out how but it was cloying at his throat and latching onto his shoulders. He couldn’t shake it off either. The itchiness beneath his skin was getting worse and worse like a sharp shrill in his brain.
Had they put out a fire back here? Dumpster fires were unfortunately a pretty common thing. But he couldn’t see any scorch marks on the bricks.
The music from the bar was a muted thumping as he passed the back door. The small sectioned off space had crates and damp boxes still needed to be broken down with cigarette butts dangerously close to the cardboard.
But it was enough for Buck to realize why his internal alarm was screaming at him.
It would’ve been where Eddie found him; where Buck would’ve escaped as he tried to call for help when he realized something was wrong.
Buck’s stomach twisted.
None of it looked familiar, even if it felt like it, but Buck knew.
Curiosity prickled beneath the back of Buck’s neck with the shade of his lost memories whispering like spider webs latching onto his skin.
Buck didn’t know what he was expecting. He’d been actively trying not to think about what could’ve happened in the alleyway that night. But somehow seeing it in person was infinitely more confusing. His heart was hammering in his chest, going faster and faster as he tried to keep his breathing steady, and there was a root of fear somewhere buried inside of him.
But it was just an alleyway.
An open, deserted pavement with a humming HVAC system caged in the corner and recycling neatly stacked along the wall. It had such little occupation in Buck’s mind that he hadn’t even thought twice about it until he saw it.
Something released in Buck’s chest and he kept walking. String lights glowed from above as he got closer to the entrance of the quieter street. Buck checked his phone to see where Eddie was and wondered if he’d be able to get one of those cinnamon lattes he pretended he didn’t love. A coffee was the least Buck owed Eddie. Maybe he could—
“Excuse me?” A voice called as footsteps hurried after him. “Did you drop this?”
Buck turned in time as a tall skinny man held up a thin black wallet. His shirt was black with the same logo from the bar front and the name Casper pressed in white lettering beneath. He wasn’t as put together as a bartender and not as big as a bouncer but the long wet towel tucked in his back pocket flapped beating him. A bus boy maybe?
Buck patted his pocket and felt his wallet out of reflex even though he knew his own wallet was brown. “Nah man. That’s not mine.”
“You sure— Shit!” The man’s foot fell into one of the potholes and he lurched as his ankle rolled.
Buck shot forward to catch him and felt the pinprick too late.
The syringe squelched as the plunger was pushed down and Buck yelped as he ripped away, the needle dragging across his skin before it was yanked out. Buck slapped his hand on his neck as he stumbled back and Buck’s own foot slipped out from under him in a nauseating tilt that sent the world spinning.
The bus boy grinned at him as he tossed the needle and plunger into a pile of trash.
“What did you—” Buck’s words warped onto his tongue, twisting around until they were upside down and crashing into one another.
“Whoa there,” the bus boy said, his impressive arms holding Buck up as Buck twisted trying to find the right way up. “Where you going, Big Guy?”
No. No, Buck had to get away.
Buck had to…
Not again.
Not again!
Buck couldn’t let this happen again! He slapped at the arm holding him up but his fingers didn’t feel attached to his body anymore.
“I’ve never tried it this way. Seemed too risky,” the bus boy said, dragging Buck back as Buck’s feet tripped over himself. “But I like it.”
Casper. Casper. Casper.
His shirt said Casper.
Buck didn’t want to forget it. He couldn’t forget it. But the world was blending like water and oil and Buck’s eyes couldn’t focus on anything.
His hips dipped down as the weight of gravity increased and Buck writhed as he tried to break free. A steel beam of an arm wrapped around his waist and hoisted him back up, and Buck reached to grab at the swirling lights above him. Those lights were going to let Eddie know where he was. Eddie would’ve turned the corner and seen him waiting. Eddie…
Eddie…
“E-E—”
A long stream of hot breath caressed down his cheek as Casper shushed him.
“Open up,” Casper said before fingers were prying Buck’s jaw open and a towel was being jabbed into his mouth. Buck choked and gagged, twisting his head one way and then the other, before the world turned into syrup and his legs gave out.
The lights disappeared and everything went black as Buck was dropped. Black but not unconscious. Not when his heart was shaking like a hummingbird in his chest and something was ringing in his ears. Metal smacked into Buck’s cheek, splitting the skin. His fingers caught in the grating, ripping his knuckles until they popped and pain ricocheted through him. Sharp, breath stealing pain.
Buck’s whine was lost in the towel stuck in his mouth as his body met the concrete and the sharp smell of mildew infiltrated his senses.
The boot to his stomach had Buck retching as he curled up onto his side. The kick was like a shock from the defibrillator, flashing Buck’s world with a bright shutter of clarity before twisting into a green and grey film.
Another kick followed and bile burned at the back of his throat.
Buck rolled, trying to curl away from the assault but a kick landed on his back without mercy.
“You didn’t think you could just flake out on me, did you?” The bus boy — Casper— sneered down at him.
Buck didn’t know what he was talking about. He didn’t even know him!
Buck risked a glance up and Casper twinned into two then three versions above him. Even with multiples, he only just managed to cover his face before the boot landed on his mouth. Blood rubbed onto his tongue, mixing with the taste of the towel and soap.
“Your buddy should’ve kept a better eye on his phone. It’s crazy how easy it is to find a video on YouTube teaching you how to clone one.” Casper flipped his phone down at Buck before he curled his hand around it.
Ben. Ben’s phone.
All those text messages with Ben and Buck—
Casper reached down and emptied Buck’s pockets even as Buck Buck tried to bat him away. His phone shattered upon impact against the wall. “I gotta be honest. I didn’t think it would work convincing you to meet, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Guys like you are all the same. Oblivious, pathetic, and so fucking arrogant.”
He punctuated each one with a kick, and Buck screamed as a rib snapped beneath his skin. The towel muffled his scream into nothing more than a whimper and humiliation washed over him as Casper laughed.
He fucking laughed.
“How’s it feel to be knocked down a peg, big guy?”
Buck tried to spit out the towel but his tongue wasn’t working. Darkness was creeping into his vision and threatening to take him away where it didn’t hurt anymore.
No!
No! He couldn’t go to sleep. He couldn’t do it again!
He couldn’t…
He…
Buck didn’t feel good.
Hands latched onto his belt and yanked him away from the corner he was trying to cower in.
“No, no,” Casper said and Buck kicked out, his heart captured by a frenzy. “You still need a lesson in humility.”
Cold air smacked into Buck’s skin as his jeans were pulled down past his hips, exposing him in a way that threatened to turn him inside out.
“You should’ve seen yourself that night. Walking around like a fucking peacock. You practically had that Ben guy eating out of the palm of your hand.”
Buck had to get away…
Buck had to get away!
But he couldn’t—
If he moved—
He couldn’t get his fingers to work and—
Another stomp of a boot had Buck seeing stars and the darkness threatened to take over.
“You’re a dime a dozen,” Casper snapped. “I see about fifty of you on a shift alone and guess what? You’re not special.”
Buck had to abandon trying to cover himself to lift his arms back over his head, tucking his knees up to his chest as the kicks rained down. His body pulsed like one bruise even as oblivion throbbed in his vision.
“But I’ll admit, I’ve been thinking about you. And now I have your number. Maybe I’ll send you little reminders to keep you in your place?”
Casper kicked Buck onto his stomach and grabbed his hips. Buck’s limbs were filled with lead and useless as he flopped with his manipulation. Panic snapped beneath Buck’s skin and begged him to move but he couldn’t.
He couldn’t.
The shock was being snuffed out by the drugs and acceptance was blanketing him as his last line of defense.
His muscles melted away.
Cold, unfeeling fingers yanked his jeans and briefs down more as Buck listed away.
“You might want to let the drugs take over for this part.” Casper said with a sharp smack against Buck’s thigh.
His vocal cords barely even fluttered as he bleated out a noise.
The sound of a phone camera clicked and then—
All the air in Eddie’s lungs fell out in a hiss as he tackled the man taking a fucking picture of Buck. Joints popped beneath him and skin split upon impact but Eddie didn’t feel a single thing. Not when the red mist over his vision was consuming every single one of his senses.
The man beneath him cried out as Eddie’s fist landed against his cheek, his phone skidding away. Eddie hit him again, hard enough for his knuckles to ache all the way to the tip of his fingers. The man beneath him tried to wiggle free and Eddie locked his knees around his waist and dropped his weight. Clawed hands swiped at Eddie’s face but Eddie swatted them away. He arched back and punched down again. Knuckles connected with a nose and the crunch of bone was enough to knock Eddie out of the blinding rage that was surging through him like a wildfire. The man beneath him howled as he twisted and Eddie rolled with him, locking his legs around him and pinning his arms back.
“What the fuck is going on here!”
Eddie snarled up as a bouncer came racing down the alleyway.
“Mike!” The man screeched, the name gurgling as he swallowed blood from his sinuses. “Mike help!”
The bouncer — Mike— flicked his gaze from Eddie with the man flailing in his pin to Buck and back. An ugly twist pulled at his lips as he surged at Eddie but Eddie had enough control to be able to spit the words out before he could get close.
“This asshole has been drugging and assaulting people.”
A flicker of recognition crossed Mike’s face as he faltered. The cops would’ve spoken to him. He would’ve known what Eddie was talking about!
“He’s crazy, Mike! He—” The man howled as Eddie arched his arms further back.
“He took a fucking picture! Look at his phone!”
“Mike!”
Mike spotted the discarded phone and stared down at the picture. He went pale and Eddie rolled. He pinned the man face down and shoved his hand onto his shoulders.
“I’ll call 911—” Mike started but Eddie shook his head.
“I’ll do it! Hold him!” Eddie snapped when Mike startled back. The man in his arms went wild as he tried to break free. “I’m a medic. I need to check him out. Hold him!”
Buck wasn’t moving. Buck wasn’t moving and if Eddie had to stay on the other side of the alleyway for one more second he was going to scream.
Mike nodded and snatched the man’s hands, pinning them with one hand.
“ Mike !”
“Shut the fuck up, Casp!”
“Don’t put your weight on him!” Eddie warned as he let Mike take over. He was still so angry that if the man suffocated before the cops could come, Eddie couldn’t promise he’d give him CPR.
Buck wasn’t moving.
Eddie scrambled across the pavement and tried not to let the rage burning in his chest take over at the sight of Buck’s bare hips.
“Buck!” Eddie rolled him over into his lap. Buck was limp in his arms, his neck long and arched in the crook of Eddie’s elbow. He yanked the towel out of his mouth and rubbed hard knuckles against his sternum. “Buck? C’mon, baby. Wake up!”
Eddie smacked Buck’s cheek a few times when the sternum rub made Buck wince and hope lit up like a match in the darkness.
“Wake up, baby. Come on!” Twin rows of long eyelashes fluttered as Buck’s nose wrinkled as Eddie cupped Buck’s cheek as he massaged his thumb into the skin. “That’s it. That’s it! C’mon, Buck.”
Two, unfocused blue eyes blinked up at him and Eddie could’ve wept. Maybe he was. His vision swam as he dropped his head down so Buck would see only him.
“-di-e?” Buck croaked.
“Baby,” Eddie breathed and he pressed his forehead against Buck’s.
“— here?”
Eddie sniffed. “I’m here. I’m here. Just stay awake.”
“Don… feel good…”
Eddie was already grabbing his phone as he nodded, dialing 911. “I know, Buck. I know.”
Eddie somehow managed to choke out enough information to the dispatcher as Buck’s eyes rolled around in his head as he tried to stay awake. The red mist crept into his peripheral as he let Buck go long enough to pull off his own jacket and cover Buck with it. Buck’s pained noises fell from his lips as the red marks in the shape of boot prints started to swell.
The only thing stopping Eddie from stalking over and breaking the nose of the man still trying to claim his innocence, was the weak grasp Buck had on his shirt sleeve.
“Hurts.” Buck gasped and Eddie tried to prod gently at the bruise growing on Buck’s cheek to see if anything was broken.
“I know,” Eddie said softly, like that would help. “What else? Tell me where it hurts.”
Buck’s eyes rolled in his head and Eddie patted his cheek to keep him awake. Long eyelashes fluttered as Buck’s gaze fell on him and a dopey smile stretched across Buck’s lips.
“Eddie,” Buck said with such amazement. He reached up but clumsy fingers only clipped Eddie’s chin. “You’re… here?”
Buck’s lip trembled like he couldn’t believe it.
Eddie couldn’t believe it either. His truck was probably being towed from where he had double packed when he realized something was wrong. He sprinted like a tether had been dragging him back to his nightmares and he’d found something even worse.
But he was there. He was there.
The distant sound of sirens echoed out on the street.
“Yeah Buck,” Eddie said, curling his hand around his wrist and pressing his fingers over the fluttering of his pulse. “I’m here.”
“H-How?”
Eddie knew he could go into detail about how he had pulled up onto the street and knew something wasn’t right when he couldn’t see him. He could explain how unease had prickled underneath his skin when his phone went to voicemail and Buck’s location had stopped sharing with him. He could tell Buck that he just knew, he knew something wasn’t right; knew that Buck needed him.
But none of that mattered. Not even because Buck probably wouldn’t remember it in a few hours. But he answered anyway.
“You called,” Eddie said and a soft smile stretched across Buck’s lips as he curled into his chest and sighed.
Buck didn’t know what was wrong with Eddie.
Ever since he’d woken up in another hospital bed two days earlier, Eddie had been clingy but distant. Right there beside Buck but circling around him like a plane too afraid to land. Constant but so far away. Always there to plump a pillow or open a door or make sure he didn’t keel over.
They all were being gentle with Buck but Eddie even more so who was being so fucking careful with Buck that he wanted to shake him and remind him that he wasn’t going to crack.
What was it Eddie had said once? People fussed to show they cared?
Well, Buck had been practically smothered with attentive affection. It was nice now that he stopped fighting it.
“Can you…” Buck trailed off as he held out his hand, trying to be quiet since Bobby was still snoring on the couch in the living room.
Eddie jumped like he’d been charged with electricity and settled his hand in Buck’s as he helped him down the stairs all while avoiding Buck’s eyes as they went. His cheek was sucked in like he was chewing on it. If Buck hadn’t been actively trying to avoid falling down the stairs he would’ve reached up and cupped his jaw to coax it free.
“Easy,” Eddie said as Buck wobbled near the last step.
The dizzy spells weren’t as bad but moving around with broken ribs wasn't exactly fun. The doctors had been worried about his breathing again but he was fine and for once, Buck meant it. He was fine. Bruised, sore with a couple of broken ribs, but fine.
He hadn’t been, not at first. Not when he woke up caught up in the spin cycle of confusion and anger and embarrassment of being in the same position he’d been in a few weeks earlier.
“Table or balcony?” Eddie asked when they got to the bottom and he dropped Buck’s hand like a lead weight.
Buck let his arm swing at his side as he stared at him. Eddie, on the other hand, was pretending like it never happened. He held up a McDonald’s bag and smiled at him, wide and so carefully blank.
Buck needed some air.
He pointed out to his balcony and waved off Eddie’s hand as he hobbled up to the door. The slight pop of the pressure change smacked in the air but Bobby didn’t stir so he stepped outside.
Buck didn’t think he was supposed to see the way Eddie flinched though.
It didn’t take them long to set up. Buck needed Eddie’s help to lower himself down onto his step— waving off his repeated suggestion that they go for the patio chairs— and maybe batted his eyelashes up at him until Eddie caved and joined him.
The bag of food sat between them like a wall but the silence as they ate was comfortable. The cool morning breeze eased up the tension around Buck’s lungs and he stretched out his legs so he could tip his head back and bask beneath the sunlight.
“You good?” Eddie asked. He was going for casual but Buck could hear the edge of worry lurking beneath.
Buck hummed as he opened one eye to squint at him.
Not only was Eddie wrong about his breakfast order but he was also a monster.
The animal didn’t even use a fork. He was just rolling his pancake and dipping it into the syrup like an agent of chaos, tempting Buck to lick off the lingering drop of sweetness caught on his lips.
Maybe he could now that they were alone.
Eddie’s cheek bulged out, packed full of pancake, with his brow furrowed into a knot in the center.
“Buck?” Eddie chewed a few more times before he swallowed and that drop of syrup was still on his lips. “What?”
“You have something…” Buck pointed to the corner of his lips and Eddie bunched up a napkin to wipe across his mouth.
The syrup streaked across his bottom lip and his chin. Buck huffed out a laugh as he reached up. “Let me…”
The words died on his tongue the moment his hand cradled Eddie’s jaw, strong and stubbled and sculpted to fit perfectly in his palm.
Buck’s pulse quickened as his heart somersaulted in his chest.
He didn’t realize how close they were.
Buck froze and something like understanding softened Eddie’s gaze.
“I thought…” A small breath escaped Eddie’s lips. Eddie’s eyes dropped to stare at Buck’s chest as he pulled away. “I thought you…”
“Forgot?” Buck tried.
“Didn’t remember,” Eddie said and somehow there was a difference. Buck didn’t know how but there was.
Memory was a funny thing. It was important and yet so fleeting that it drifted away like the wind through fingers no matter how tightly they tried to grasp it.
Buck’s memory had a black spot on it like a bruise. Dark, painful but healing now that he stopped trying to press on it.
Casper had been a ghost before he was a memory and with it came the nightmares. Apparently, he’d allowed his own insecurities to lash out at random men he saw at work. Security footage showed him touching Buck’s drink when he’d passed by it waiting to be served as he delivered clean dishes. Buck had been unlucky number six and then number eight when he had stolen Ben’s phone in all the chaos. He’d woken up in the hospital with time lost again and only shards left in the wake of his attack. At least the second time he didn’t overdose.
He tried to remember. There was something on Buck’s memory he had etched into his brain to try and remember. Something important but it was gone and the grief of that loss hurt just as much the second time Buck had woken up and realized that it had been missing.
It took him a long time to be okay with that.
Casper had wanted to humiliate him and Buck refused to let him.
But Buck could never forget Eddie.
“I wanted you,” Buck said and Eddie let out a low breath through his nose.
“Buck,” Eddie said and Buck loved how he said his name. Eddie shook his head. “We don’t have to. We still have so much figure out and you—”
Buck leapt.
He surged forward and slid his lips over Eddie’s, kissing the rest of the syrup from his skin and snuffing out whatever insecurities that were snapping like sparks in his heart. Eddie’s mouth pressed up into Buck’s, melding into a sweet but firm weight against Buck as he kissed him back.
They broke away too soon. It lasted only a moment and Buck could already feel himself aching to remember the taste of Eddie as they pulled away.
But it was enough.
It was perfect.
Buck pressed his forehead against Eddie’s and curled his fingers into Eddie’s shirt so he couldn’t run away.
No more distance.
“You picked up the phone, Eddie,” Buck said. “You answered. That’s enough.”
Eddie always answered. Maybe those moments were only snapshots of memories but they were enough and Buck was going to each and every one cherish them.