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Andrew hummed to himself as he methodically deleted songs from Neil’s sex playlist and replaced them with DJ Crazy Times’ Planet of the Bass. The plan was foolproof. The first step was nearly done: fill the playlist with the song Neil referred to as “the most annoying sound in the universe.” Second, he would wait for Kevin to come over on Friday. This step was somewhat inevitable. Andrew was making carnitas tacos, and Kevin always came over for carnitas tacos, even when Kevin and Neil were broken up like they were now. Once Kevin was here, he and Neil would fight, and then make up, and then go to have their weird and intense makeup sex.
After that, the plan got a little less certain. Neil would put on the playlist and be greeted with DJ Crazy Times, and then he would—hopefully—stop hooking up with Kevin in order to come yell at Neil. Which would—hopefully—cause Kevin to take Andrew’s side, like the contrarian asshole he was. Which would—hopefully—lead to such strong sexual tension that they invite Andrew to join their hookup. And then Andrew could officially get in on the action.
It would work. Neil and Kevin were predictable. And they were close—so close—to where Andrew wanted them. He was already dating Neil; halfway there.
By the time Neil got home from his run a few minutes later, Andrew had finished updating the playlist and covering his tracks, and he was sitting calmly on the couch sipping a mug of hot chocolate and flipping through a magazine.
“Hey,” said Neil with a grin. “You look good. Happy, or something.”
“Do I?” asked Andrew, trying not to sound smug.
“Yeah. I like it.” He walked over to the couch. “Yes or no?” Andrew nodded, and Neil leaned over and gave him a quick kiss.
Andrew wrinkled his nose. “Smelly.”
Neil laughed. “Rude.”
“Go shower.”
“Okay, okay, I’m going!” said Neil, backing away.
Andrew shooed him away and went back to his magazine. A minute later, he heard the water turn on.
And then he heard the unmistakable siren and DJ Crazy Times’ voice.
“ANDREW!”
Oh dear.
A dripping wet, naked Neil stormed back into the living room. “What the fuck did you do to my bath time playliset?”
“I didn’t do anything to your bath time playlist,” said Andrew.
Neil gestured angrily back towards his room; the song was still playing. “Clearly, you did.”
Andrew frowned. “I didn’t do anything to your bath time playlist.”
Neil glared at him. “But?”
“But I may have made some changes to your sex-with-Kevin playlist.”
“That’s the same playlist!”
“Why on earth is that the same playlist?”
“Bath time is feeling yourself time!”
Andrew stared at him. God, Neil was so fucking stupid. Andrew wanted him so bad.
Which. Technically, he already had Neil. They lived together; they were dating. The problem was, he wanted Kevin, too.
And now he needed a new plan.
“Kevin’s still coming over Friday, right? I’m making carnitas tacos.”
Neil made a face. “Fuck Kevin.”
That was the plan.
“So he’s coming?” Andrew asked again.
“Yeah, he loves your tacos,” Neil grumbled. A small puddle was forming on the floor beneath him.
“You’re still mad at each other?” The answer was obviously yes, but it was fun to poke at it.
“He stole fifty dollars and my car!”
“. . . in order to go fuck Jean.”
“That has nothing to do with it!” Neil protested. “I do the same thing! Jean’s hot!”
None of this was news to Andrew. That didn’t make it any less entertaining. “He returned the car.”
“But not my fifty dollars!”
“You don’t need the fifty dollars,” Andrew pointed out.
“Neither does he,” said Neil, folding his arms. “Hold on, do you want me to get back together with Kevin?”
Andrew shrugged. “You’re going to.”
“We broke up!”
“You always break up. And you always get back together.”
“You and I are dating now!”
“That doesn’t have to change anything,” said Andrew. Neil stared at him like he had grown an extra head, and Andrew sighed. “Go finish your shower.”
“I don’t have my bath time playlist,” Neil pouted.
“I assume you are capable of showering without it,” said Andrew dryly.
“Fine,” said Neil. He wetly stomped back to the shower, and Andrew went back to the drawing board.
***
The next day, Neil came home looking a little flushed and slightly chagrinned. Andrew narrowed his eyes at him. “What did you do?”
“Hi, Neil, how was your day, it’s good to see you!”
Andrew rolled his eyes. “Who did you do? Did you go see Jean again?”
“He lives like three hours away, there wasn’t time.”
“Kevin, then?” asked Andrew. “You’ve made up?”
“He came by at lunch,” said Neil. “And he proposed.”
“He what?”
“He proposed! So I said yes, obviously—”
“Obviously.”
“—and then we went down to the courthouse and took care of it.”
“Wait,” said Andrew. “You’re already married?”
“Well, yeah, it turns out, it’s really easy,” said Neil. “We just filled out some paperwork and payed a filing fee.”
“Was the filing fee more or less than the fifty dollars he owes you?” asked Andrew.
Neil smiled. “He paid the fee.”
Andrew sighed. If Neil and Kevin were already back together—and married—it would be a little harder for him to get in on the action.
Harder, but not impossible.
He just needed to reassess the playing field.
“So, will he be moving in with us?” he asked.
Neil wrinkled his nose. “No, why would he do that? We’d kill each other.”
“And we’re still dating, right?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t we be?” asked Neil. He furrowed his brow. “Unless—you still want to date me, right?”
“Yes,” said Andrew firmly, and Neil relaxed.
“Nothing’s changed, really,” said Neil. “We’re still together, and Kevin’s still a dick. It’s just that Kevin and I are married now.”
“Sure,” said Andrew agreeably.
He needed a drink.
***
Two hours later, he was grinding up against Kevin on the Eden’s dancefloor. “I can’t believe he married you,” he shouted into Kevin’s ear.
“Of course you can,” said Kevin. “You’ve seen me.”
Andrew glared at him. “You’re suck an asshole.”
Kevin grinned. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
Andrew hummed in acknowledgement. Kevin was right; the assholery was part of the appeal. Not that he’d ever admit that out loud.
As the crowd slowly rotated around them, Andrew made eye contact with Matt Boyd and Dan Wilds—friends of Neil’s. Well, friends of all of them, really; they’d certainly known each other long enough and spent enough time together. But they’d never particularly liked Kevin, and they liked Andrew even less. And Matt looked a little pissed. He took a step towards Andrew and Kevin, but Dan put a hand on his chest and stopped him. No doubt, mad that Neil’s boyfriend was cheating on him with Kevin. Or, maybe, mad that Neil’s husband was cheating on him with Andrew? He wasn’t sure how up-to-date they were on Neil’s recent activities. Either way, they were clearly even less thrilled with Kevin and Andrew than usual.
“We’ve got an audience,” Andrew said to Kevin, nodding in their direction.
“Oh,” said Kevin, following his gaze. He looked back at Andrew. “What do you want to do about it?”
The smart thing would probably be to leave—go somewhere else, out of sight, and later, once they’d cooled down, try to explain things. The fun thing, however, would be to give them something worth staring at.
Andrew liked to do the fun thing.
“Want to make out?”
“Always,” said Kevin, and he pulled him into a deep kiss. Andrew threw up a middle finger in Matt and Dan’s general direction for good measure, and the next time he glanced their direction, they were gone.
He and Kevin danced a while longer, and then Kevin leaned closer to his ear. “Do you want to get out of here?”
God, finally. “Yes,” he said, and he dragged Kevin towards the back room. Roland, the bartender, made eye contact with him as he passed and gave him a thumbs up.
“You know,” said Kevin a minute later as Andrew kissed him against a wall, “we could have gone back to my place. It’s not far.”
“Your place sucks,” said Andrew. He pulled back. “Is this not good enough for you?”
“I’m just saying, a bed is more comfortable,” Kevin complained.
“We could go back to my place.”
Kevin made a face. “You live with Neil. Your boyfriend.”
Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Your husband.”
Kevin got a slightly dopey look on his face and smiled. “Yeah.”
“You know,” said Andrew slowly, smelling an opportunity, “we could just combine everything. I could be dating both of you. At the same time. And you could both know about it.”
“I don’t think Neil would like that very much,” said Kevin with a grimace. “I mean, I’d be down. But I don’t think Neil would like you hooking up with me.”
“He’s hooking up with you.”
Kevin shrugged. “Look, I’m down. If you want to have that conversation with Neil, go for it.”
Andrew pressed his lips together. He did not want to have that conversation. But he did want the results of that conversation.
Although, thinking about it, was it really necessary? He was already dating Neil and Kevin. Neil and Kevin were married to each other. They were already a thruple; Neil just didn’t know it yet. He would probably figure it out eventually; it would be fine.
“Just shut up and let me suck your dick,” he said, and Kevin happily obliged.
***
Tuesdays were Andrew’s least favorite day. Every Tuesday, he had lunch with his twin, and it was always the most annoying part of his week. His therapist—Bee, a wonderful, evil woman who knew far too much about him—had suggested it a few years back, and they hadn’t missed one yet. There were weeks where neither of them said a word, but they always showed up.
Today, unfortunately, Aaron was still speaking to him.
“I just don’t like him,” he said, folding his arms. “You can do better.”
“Well, I don’t like Katelyn, either,” said Andrew. “You’re still marrying her on Saturday, right?”
“There’s nothing wrong with Katelyn!”
“There’s nothing wrong with Neil,” said Andrew. Well. Technically speaking, there were several things wrong with him. But that was part of the appeal.
“He’s cheating on you.”
Andrew waved his hand dismissively. “No he’s not.”
“But you just told me he hooked up with Kevin last night,” said Aaron, exasperated.
“And?”
Aaron gaped at him. “And? And he’s allegedly dating you now. Why is he hooking up with Kevin again? Kevin is an asshole.”
“They’re married.”
“They’re—what? Since when?”
“Last Thursday,” said Andrew.
“And you still think you’re dating Neil?”
“I am dating Neil,” said Andrew. He paused. “And Kevin.”
Aaron laughed. “Good one.” Andrew raised an eyebrow, and Aaron’s eyes widened. “Wait, you’re serious.”
“Yep,” said Andrew, popping the ‘p.’
“They’re uninvited from my wedding,” said Aaron.
“No, they’re not.”
“Yes, they are!” Aaron insisted. “I don’t know why I let you talk me into inviting them in the first place.”
“They’re coming to the wedding,” said Andrew, “and if you try to kick them out, I’m leaving, too. And then who will walk you down the aisle?”
Aaron glared at him. “You’re such a fucking asshole. You deserve each other.”
Andrew smiled. “Yes, we do.”
***
It was early evening by the time Andrew got home; Neil was there waiting. “Do we greet each other by the door, now?”
Neil rolled his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m being ridiculous? You were literally waiting to greet me at the door.”
“Okay, yeah, but it’s not something I do now. It’s something I did. Once. Today. Just now.”
“You’re acting weird,” said Andrew, pushing past him and heading over to the couch. “Did you marry someone else again?”
“I don’t think you can do that, legally,” said Neil. “Besides, we’re monogamous.”
Andrew snorted. “No we’re not.”
“No, not you and me—me and Kevin.”
Andrew snorted again, louder. “No, you’re not.”
“Yeah, we are, it’s more fun that way. But that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. Or—not exactly.”
“Okay,” said Andrew slowly. “What do you want to talk about?”
Neil took a breath. “Matt and Dan met up with me for lunch.”
Oh. Shit. “And?” asked Andrew, keeping his expression neutral.
Neil frowned at him. “You know what.”
“Humor me.”
“They saw you and Kevin at Eden’s last night.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I saw them, too,” said Andrew casually. “Did they not have a good time?”
“Andrew.”
Andrew sighed. “What do you want me to say? Kevin and I hooked up. Is that really so surprising?”
“Yes!”
“Why? You hook up with both of us!”
“That’s different,” said Neil.
“Yeah, it is different,” said Andrew. “I’m just dating him. You married him without even checking with me first!” Not that Andrew actually cared. But it was the principle of the thing. Plus, it made a good argument.
“It just happened, we—wait, you’re dating him? I thought you just hooked up!”
“On what planet is me dating him a bigger deal than you marrying him?” Andrew didn’t think Neil was giving appropriate weight to this point.
“This isn’t about me!” said Neil. “Quit trying to change the subject!”
“Quit being a hypocrite!”
Keys jingled in the lock, and they both spun to face the door. Kevin walked in and was immediately met with matching glares from Andrew and Neil. He looked back at them and nodded. “Good.”
“Good? What, exactly, is good?” Neil asked.
“This,” he said, gesturing between Neil and Andrew. “Don’t let me stop you. I’ll be in the kitchen.”
“You’ll—what? Why?” Neil yelled after him as he walked away.
“I’m cooking tonight,” Kevin called back over his shoulder. “Mac and cheese. But you only get some if you get your shit together and stop screaming at each other; I could hear you from outside.”
Andrew glared at Neil. “See? There’s no need for you to yell about this; you’re overreacting.”
“I’m not overreacting!” said Neil. “I’m just reacting! At a perfectly normal level!”
“That’s another thing,” said Andrew, deflecting. “Why aren’t you mad at Kevin? He was there, too!”
“Yeah, but it’s Kevin,” said Neil dismissively. “We all know he’s an asshole!”
“I heard that!” Kevin yelled from the kitchen.
“Stay out of this!” Neil yelled back.
“No!”
Neil sighed in frustration, but he sent a fond look towards the kitchen. “Look, I just—I don’t get it. You and Kevin?”
Andrew crossed his arms. “So, is the problem me and, or is the problem Kevin?”
“It’s—I don’t know, both?” asked Neil. It sounded like a complete guess.
“You know I’ve hooked up with other people,” said Andrew. “You’ve hooked up with other people. That’s clearly not the problem.”
Neil glared. “If you knew the answer, why did you ask the question?”
“I want you to admit it!” said Andrew, taking a step towards him. “If the problem is Kevin, say that!”
“Okay, fine, it’s that it’s Kevin!” said Neil. “Hooking up with other people is one thing. But—why Kevin?”
Andrew snorted. “You of all people should understand why Kevin.”
“He’s such a dick!”
Andrew threw up his hands. “So are you!”
Neil’s face fell. “You deserve better. I’ve been trying to be better.”
“Wait, that was on purpose?” asked Andrew. “I thought you were just acting like that because Kevin wasn’t around.”
“See?” said Neil, as if Andrew had made some grand admission. “You think he’s a bad influence, too!”
Andrew blinked at him. “Name one person in your life who’s a good influence.”
“You are,” said Neil earnestly.
Andrew squinted at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You’re a good influence! You’re calm, and honest, and—this is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m better when I’m with you. You make me better, and I don’t want to lose that!”
“You’re not losing anything!” said Andrew. “I’m right here! I’m in! With you and with Kevin!”
“I’m making you worse!” said Neil. “Instead of you making me better, I’m making you worse!”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Andrew flatly.
“You’re the best person I know,” said Neil. “I don’t want to ruin it!”
“So you think you’re ruining me?” asked Andrew. “You really think you’re such an asshole that you have the ability to singlehandedly corrupt me? Do you think I’m that weak and powerless?”
“No, of course not,” said Neil. “You’re the strongest person I know. I just . . .”
“You just what?” Andrew pushed.
Neil sighed. “I just hate that I fucked up the only non-toxic relationship I’ve ever had by being a dick again. It feels shitty. Like I can’t figure out how to stop being an asshole no matter how hard I try.”
Andrew closed the distance between them and put a hand on the back of Neil’s neck. “I know you’re a dick,” he said. “I like you being a dick. I want you to be a dick. I don’t want you to stop being an asshole. I want you to keep being an asshole around me, specifically, and Kevin, too. We’re all assholes! We’re assholes together! I would like to be assholes with both of you, indefinitely! I’m not better than that, or you!”
Neil blinked at him. “You—really?”
“Yes. God, you’re so fucking stupid sometimes.”
Neil stared at him a second, then he laughed. “You’re such an asshole.”
Bingo. Andrew smiled, slow and genuine. “Yeah, I am.”
Kevin poked his head into the room. “So, are we good now?”
Neil rolled his eyes. “Ugh, yes, you’re so fucking annoying.”
“Keep that up, and you won’t get any of the mac and cheese,” said Kevin, pointing a wooden spoon at him.
“Shutting up now,” said Neil with a grin.
The mac and cheese was delicious.
***
Andrew was impressed, and more than a little surprised. The next few days passed with plenty of bickering, but no real fights. Things were going even better than he thought possible. And, to top it all off, they had made it through Aaron’s wedding without incident.
The reception was still ongoing, of course, so there was still time.
“This is nice,” said Neil.
“The wedding?” asked Kevin, wrinkling his nose.
“What? No. I mean, sure, it’s fine, I guess, but it all seems . . . unnecessary,” said Neil. “I meant this. Us.”
Kevin shoved his shoulder and made a face. “Are you getting all soft and sentimental on us?”
“Not a chance,” said Neil. “I’m just saying it’s nice, being here with both of you.”
“So, are you ready to admit we’re poly?” Andrew asked, eyebrow raised.
Neil furrowed his brow. “What are you talking about? We’re monogamous.”
Andrew rolled his eyes. “Whatever you want to tell yourself.”
“Hey, I think they’re about to have their first dance. Want to see if we can bribe the DJ to play a different song?” asked Kevin.
Neil grinned. “Totally, let’s go,” he said. “But what song should we get him to play?”
Andrew perked up. “I have an idea.”
“No,” said Neil.
“Wait, what’s the idea?” asked Kevin, looking between the two of them.
“Are you familiar with the hit Eurodance song Planet of the Bass by DJ Crazy Times?”
“Oh, hell yeah, that’s perfect!” said Kevin. “When the rhythm is glad, there is nothing to be sad!”
“You are both such fucking assholes,” said Neil.
“Yeah, we are,” said Andrew. He held out a hand to Neil. “Are you with us?”
“Of course,” said Neil, taking it. “Let’s go fuck up Aaron’s first dance.”
Kevin whooped and took Neil’s other hand, leading the way towards the DJ with Andrew close behind, light with anticipation He was looking forward to a lifetime of assholery with these two.