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“Well, aren’t you two quite the pair?” Kouyou failed to hide her amusement behind her sleeve.
Sitting in front of her was Double Black— the most vicious duo in Yokohama’s underworld— looking pathetic with their red noses and watery eyes, and utterly dripping with allergic misery.
…literally.
“Wipe your damn nose, dipshit! I don’t want any more of your fucking snot on me.”
“Uwah, Chuuya’s even more cranky than usual,” Dazai exclaimed before dabbing at his nose with a silk handkerchief. Chuuya stared at him for a few seconds before his face lit up with anger.
“Asshole, that’s mine!” He shouted. Dazai glanced at the object in his hand, then held it out to Chuuya.
“You can have it back.” He blinked innocently.
“I don’t want it now!” Chuuya shoved the proffered handkerchief away, and dropped his head in his hands with a moan. “Just leave me the hell alone. I have enough of a headache as it is.”
“That would be your sinuses, lad.” Kouyou sat down across from the boys. Chuuya groaned.
“I don’t even have allergies,” he bemoaned.
“Me neither,” Dazai whined. Chuuya lifted his head to raise an eyebrow at his partner.
“You sneezed eight times in the elevator on the way up here,” Chuuya said dryly before letting his head fall back into his hands. “Try again when you can talk without sounding like you have cotton shoved up your nose.”
“Ane-san,” Dazai drew out the word and stuck out his bottom lip. “Chuuya’s being mean to me.”
“For goodness sake, boy, he has a point. Can you even breathe?” Kouyou picked up her tea. Dazai proceeded to sniff as hard as he could, only producing a congested squeak.
“Nope,” he replied with a grin. His n’s sounded like d’s, and his p’s sounded like b’s. Chuuya rolled his eyes, but immediately regretted it, wincing as his sinuses throbbed.
“Just be glad you weren’t the one stuck on a mission with him. Sniffling and sneezing and blowing his nose in my fucking earpiece all night long.” Chuuya rubbed between his eyebrows, face pinched with pain.
“It seems almost everyone in Yokohama is suffering right now. There must be extraordinarily high pollen counts this year,” Kouyou mused.
They fell into silence for a spell, with Kouyou sipping thoughtfully on her tea, and the occasional sniffle coming from the miserable boys. The short-lived peace was broken by a room-shaking sneeze.
“Gesundheit.” Kouyou passed Chuuya a box of tissues, which he accepted with a sniff.
“I still don’t understand how such a small person can make such a big noise.” Dazai made a show of rubbing his ear.
Chuuya stopped wiping his nose to glare. “At least I don’t sneeze like a fucking kitten.”
The tips of Dazai’s ears turned pink. Everytime allergy season rolled around, the halls were filled with the sounds of the Boss’s prodigy’s tiny, high-pitched outbursts.
It didn’t exactly make for a congruent image.
Chuuya snickered, but let out an affronted squawk as a soggy tissue hit him square in the face.
Kouyou sighed in resignation as the fighting began anew.
Luckily, it was cut short when Dazai launched into a frenzy of kittenish sneezes. Kouyou hid her grin behind her teacup. Chuuya sighed, eyes rolling upward, and shoved a tissue into his distracted partner’s hand. Dazai had his face buried in his elbow, but his burning ears were still visible.
“Now that I think about it, you’re one of the only people I’ve seen who’s not miserable, Ane-san.” Chuuya eyed her with suspicion.
“Is that so?” Kouyou met her mentee’s stare over the rim of her cup.
“C’mon, Ane-san, what’s your secret? My head is killing me,” Chuuya begged.
Dazai finally lifted his head from his elbow, and Kouyou had to school her features to keep the grimace off of her face. His visible eye was puffy and watery, allergic tears streaming down his swollen cheekbones. His mouth hung open so he could breathe.
She then turned to Chuuya. A permanent grimace was etched on his face, and he rubbed his red-rimmed, itchy eyes with vigor. The dark bags under both boys’ eyes were proof that they hadn’t been sleeping well, either.
As if reading her mind, Chuuya muttered, “I couldn’t even sleep on our way back from the mission because when I lay back, I’m too stuffed up to breathe.” He ground the heel of his hand into his eye socket.
“And I couldn’t sleep because of Chibi snoring like a chainsaw,” Dazai added, words barely intelligible at this point.
“Bastard! I do no-”
“That’s quite enough from both of you,” Kouyou cut in before things could escalate again.
The teens slumped sullenly, putting as much space between themselves as was possible on the settee.
“I do, as a matter of fact, have something— a home remedy, if you will. But I don’t think you’re going to like it.”
“Nothing could be worse than this.” Chuuya’s expression was gravely serious, while Dazai sniffled pitifully.
Kouyou rolled her eyes at the dramatics as she rose to fetch something.
“Tea?” Chuuya looked skeptical as Kouyou returned carrying a tray holding a tea kettle and two extra cups.
“A special brew,” Kouyou set the tray on the table and began preparing two servings, “designed to combat all sorts of troublesome symptoms.”
Chuuya leaned forward to sniff the steam rising from the kettle, but reeled back, covering his nose. Seeing this, Dazai also took a whiff and shrugged.
“I don’t smell anything.”
“No shit, Sherlock. You probably can’t smell anything.” Chuuya was obviously trying to politely mask his reaction, but his eyes were still watering from the pungent aroma.
“I told you you probably wouldn’t like it.” Kouyou didn’t look up from her task, adding a spoonful of honey to the drink, and stirring it well.
Chuuya cleared his throat. “I’m willing to try anything once.”
Dazai perked up. “In that case, have you consid-”
“If the word ‘suicide’ leaves your mouth, I’ll tie your tongue to a barbed-wire fence.”
Dazai pouted, and seconds later directed an exaggerated sneeze at Chuuya.
“That’s it! You’re dead, you piece of shit!” Chuuya roared, launching himself at Dazai, who was attempting to wipe his nose on his partner.
Kouyou ignored them— she didn’t get paid enough to deal with this. She added the last ingredient to the tea cups and cleared her throat pointedly.
The boys paused. Chuuya had Dazai in a chokehold with his foot pulled backwards towards his head, while Dazai had tied Chuuya’s shoes together by their laces, and was pocketing the key to the redhead’s apartment.
Kouyou tsked. “Dazai, give him back his key. Chuuya, you should know by now not to leave his hands free. Honestly.”
Chuuya let out an indignant shriek and snatched back his key while Dazai snorted.
“Here.” Kouyou held out the drinks, which they accepted with dubious looks. Dazai again tried to sniff the liquid, but Chuuya had learned his lesson and inspected it from afar.
“So… what exactly is in this?”
Kouyou’s lips curved. “You’re better off not knowing.”
Chuuya swallowed, eyes darting to his partner, who was lifting the cup to his lips. Unwilling to be outdone by Dazai, Chuuya quickly took a gulp.
A chorus of choking and coughing filled the room as Kouyou sipped on her own cup of the brew, nonplussed.
“What the hell is this crap?!” Chuuya choked out.
“I hate to agree with the slug, but…” Dazai gagged for emphasis.
“I told you, it’s a home remedy.” Kouyou looked unbothered. “And it would be rude not to finish it after I went through all the trouble of preparing it for you.”
Chuuya reluctantly took another drink, smaller this time, shuddering as he swallowed. Kouyou stared at Dazai until he relented, taking another sip, then promptly emptied the rest of the cup into his mouth and swallowed.
Kouyou blinked as he set the cup down and matched her stare, even as his throat bobbed threateningly.
Again, not to be outdone, Chuuya chugged the rest of his drink, slammed down his teacup, and jumped off the settee.
He paced back and forth, coughing and choking out curses, until the taste finally receded. He collapsed back on the settee, breathing hard.
“How can you stand that shit?” He exhaled. Dazai was seated next to him with a bitter smile slowly pulling at his lips.
“I suppose if you partake in something often enough, you’re bound to get used to it,” Kouyou mused.
“How often?” Chuuya tensed.
“Once a day, during the appropriate seasons.”
“Every day?!” Chuuya’s eyes bulged and he went slightly pale. “You mean this wasn’t a one-time thing?”
Before she could respond, Dazai cut in. “Well-played, Ane-san.” His sharp smile was unwavering.
Kouyou smiled knowingly as Chuuya looked between them in confusion.
“Huh?”
“Come on, hatrack. We’d better get back to your apartment before the sleeping pills finish kicking in.” Dazai hopped up and started for the door.
“Sleeping pills-? Wait, what do you mean ’we’? We aren’t going anywhere.” Chuuya jumped up to follow him, and promptly face planted. “What the hell?”
Kouyou palmed her forehead while Dazai giggled from the doorway. Chuuya looked down at his feet, finding them laced together.
“Shitty Dazai! Get back here!” He screamed as he freed himself and bolted out the door after Dazai, who was still tittering even as another round of fairylike sneezes peppered his laughter.
Kouyou shook her head as she took another sip of her tea. “For all of our sake, I hope those pills kick in quickly.”