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I’m trans. That’s not something everyone can say out loud, but I’ve been repeating it to myself over and over in the mirror. I’ve been dating Connor for a few months and all this time I feel like I’ve been lying to him since I haven’t come out to him. So, I’m practicing. It still feels wrong to hear. I don’t like thinking about how I’m trans or how I wasn’t always a boy. I came out to my mom accidentally a few years ago and she’s been unbelievably supportive which means I got my hands on testosterone early. I pass.
The fact that I pass makes it even harder for me to come out to Connor. I’m scared he’ll call me a liar. Technically, I am. I’ve been withholding important information. I probably should’ve told him way earlier. Maybe a week into our relationship at most, but I was scared he’d leave me. Connor’s the first person I actually love. I don’t want him to leave me, but I need to get this off my chest. I feel like I’ve been lying for so long.
I forced myself to text Connor; asking him if he could come over to mine before I doubted myself. I almost didn’t hit send, but that hesitation is what made me accidentally press it. No going back now. I’m going to tell him.
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I’ve been pacing around anxiously while trying to pick the perfect words to explain everything to Connor. It’s only been about 10 minutes since I texted him; I should sit down, but I can’t. I can’t get myself to relax. Connor’s reaction could be terrible. There are too many possibilities. It’s nerve-wracking. I try to breathe slowly and listen to the rain outside.
I hear a knock on the door.
My previous efforts at calming down mean nothing now. A knock on the door scared me. I’m too tense. I slowly approach the door, scared for the conversation that’ll ensue. My hand hovers over the door knob. I take a breath to compose myself then I pull open the door. Connor looks just as anxious as I feel. His hair is soaked from the rain. He lets himself in then takes his (muddier than normal) combat boots off. He sits on the couch and I follow. There’s an awkward silence for a moment. I can’t get myself to speak. The words won’t come out even though I know exactly what I want to say.
“Evan. I uhm.”
I flinch at the sound of his voice. It snapped me back to reality. I actually need to tell him I’m trans now, but I procrastinate.
“Yeah..?”
He takes a deep breath. He runs a hand through his wet hair then tries to wipe his hand off on his (also wet) pants. He gives up and leaves his dripping wet hand alone. He seems more scared and thrown off than me right now.
“I really need to tell you something.”
He says, looking away. My mind goes to the worst possibility. He’s going to break up with me. I should’ve expected this. I’m anxious and I can’t even talk half of the time because of it. I might as well tell him since he’s going to break up with me anyways, right?
“I need to tell you something too.”
He turns back to look at me; his face full of confusion. He slightly shakes his head after a bit, looking like he just finished a mini internal battle.
“Uh. You can go first.”
“Do you really think I should?”
“Yeah, uh, go ahead.”
He’s using a lot of filler words, like I do. This is unlike him. I can practically feel the anxiety coming off of him. I’m starting to worry again; to doubt myself. I try to speak; to tell him, but the words get stuck in my throat. I sigh and think for a moment. He has something to tell me too.
“Can you go first..?”
I’m avoiding this too much. I really should tell him, but every time I try, the words get caught.
“Fine. Can you promise not to leave me after this?”
So he’s not breaking up with me.. What is it? I’d never want to leave him anyways. No matter what it is, I’m sure I’ll still want to be with him.
“Promise.”
He tries to speak like I did. He stammers out random filler words. “Uhm, so, like, I’m, I” Until one word catches my ear. “Trans”
“What?”
I must’ve misheard him, or maybe I didn’t hear the full word. Maybe he said translate or something. He was mumbling.
“I’m trans,” He murmurs reluctantly.
“You’re.. What?” No way he’s trans too. This is so.. unbelievable.
“Transgender,” he states more confidently, getting his normal self back a bit.
“I’m trans whether you like it or not, Evan.” he declares.
“No, I just, …Connor, I’m trans too.”
“What? But.. wait..”
He sits and thinks for a moment. I feel dumbfounded. I was so scared about coming out to him for absolutely nothing and it seems he feels the same way. I get up and practically throw myself onto him. I wrap my arms around him and he reciprocates immediately.
“So we’re both trans and neither of us knew?” He lets out a quiet huff of a laugh.
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” He follows it up.
“I feel like I love you even more now.” I smile and kiss his cheek.
“Like that’s even possible, you dork.” he whispered affectionately.
“Call me dork all you want. I love you.”
“Love you too, Ev”