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“Xiao..?” Venti enters their shared bedroom slowly, eyes darting around the dark space created by the blackout curtains Xiao insisted on getting. He’s looking for a specific boy whom he calls his boyfriend.
There’s not much noise other than the sturdy sound of him placing down his guitar case. The bedsprings creak as Venti sits down on the edge of the bed and takes off his coat, starts undoing his corset. His braids fall over his shoulders as he undoes those too, and puts his hair up in a ponytail.
“Hey, handsome.” Venti pokes the blanket where it moves with Xiao’s breathing, a satisfied smile on his face when he realizes it’s the younger man’s torso under the covers.
“Mmh..?” Is the answer that he gets, more so a mumble to let Venti know he hasn’t died yet. He looks dead, though. Blankets are huddled around him, almost burying him under all the soft fabric. It's only when Venti strains his eyes and looks closely that he can see a small tuft of teal and black hair, accompanied by a delicate hand sticking out of the mound on the bed. The jade bracelet around his wrist shines even under the dim glow of the nightlight.
Sleeping or simply just exhausted, Venti wouldn’t be able to tell. “How was busking?” The Xiao shaped mound mutters. “Horrible. I couldn’t even finish my whole set.” Venti pouts, his lips soft and pink as he reaches a hand over to run his hands through Xiao’s unwashed hair. Not a good sign.
“The crows again?” Xiao questions, voice monotone but still mostly interested.
“Yeah, the crows again, they follow me around everywhere, it’s so infuriating! It’s like I’m an omen of death or something.” Venti chuckles. There’s no venom in his voice. “Tell Fischl to keep her army to herself.” Xiao half attempts at a joke.
There’s a beat of silence where the older man takes a moment to just run his fingers through Xiao’s hair, before he speaks again, voice suddenly a lot softer. “How have you been doing?”
“Good..” It’s a lie and they both know it.
“Bad day? Did you take your meds for the pain?”
“No, it doesn’t hurt today.” The fruit shaped pill box lays untouched on the bedside table. Venti had chosen one that looked like a slice of lime, just to see it in Xiao’s hand, even though they’d paid far too much money for it. It had matched the color of his tattoos. Venti frowns, his eyebrows knotting in concern. “Xiao.. What is it, then?” There’s no answer. He sighs, but tries to change the subject to get the younger man to talk to him.
“Xiangling stopped by and gave me some food. Thought you might want to eat something.” Venti gets up momentarily to pluck the white plastic bag full of a few containers of their favorites. “We should go to Wangmin Restaurant someday to eat there properly. I always feel so bad for always ordering takeout.”
Xiao pokes his head out of his grave of blankets and stares at him with dull, golden eyes to answer the previous question. “No, thank you.” He answers quietly, his voice scratchy.
“Not even Almond Tofu?” Venti smiles as he peels back yet another layer of the comforter from Xiao’s smaller form, but the teal haired man has cocooned himself in so many layers, it’s hard to even see his face.
“No. I’m not hungry...” The sentence trails off painfully when Xiao’s stomach betrays him and makes the loudest growl they’ve ever heard in their lives. If it wasn’t so concerning, Venti would be laughing at how red Xiao’s face seems to be.
“Schatz.”
“Baobei.”
“Come eat dinner with me.” After a pause Venti adds. “Please.”
Xiao doesn’t respond to that. There’s a thoughtful look on his face before Venti tucks a stray piece of hair behind his pierced ears, looking at him expectantly. Venti is almost beckoning Xiao with his eyes. What a waste of time.
He sighs, tries burying himself deeper into the pillows to avoid Venti’s gaze. “You’ve been working a lot again, haven’t you?” The blue haired boy’s voice is soft as he tries to pull Xiao out of the daze he seems to be in.
“Not more than usual.” Golden eyes blink up at him, exhausted still, yet he still leans into Venti’s touch.
“And your usual is to the brink. Come eat.” What else can he do but be stern? It’s not like this is the first time he’s seen Xiao like this.
He’s been there for too many nights where sleep is a delicacy for the man he loves. He’s watched Xiao sit by the pale flame of the stovetop, pressing the tip of his cigarette to the controlled fire of it too often. He’s seen the green-purple shadows under his eyes, pleaded with him to please, take a day off work, take care of yourself, Xiao, you’ll collapse; traced his fingertips over Xiao’s bruised knuckles to comfort him after he let out some steam.
Venti usually ignores the rhythmic thump-thump-thump-thump of the punching bag Xiao keeps in a secluded corner of their living room, and ignores the rough breathing coming from the other as he just keeps punching, punching, punching, until he bleeds his hands dry. Just as he ignores his ever-writhing form next to him on the bed most nights, screaming for friends long gone.
Venti knows, when Xiao thinks he’s not watching, that he goes into the bathroom, agonizes over the number on the scale, pinches parts of his body he deems unsightly as he has a staring contest with the mirror, scrutinizes himself in it.
Venti sees it in the bruises on his stomach when he slides his hands up under his shirt, he notices how Xiao grabs hold of his own wrists, wraps his middle finger and thumb around it, frowning when he sees the result. How he does the same with his thighs, tries looking at his back, his waist, hands in a bruising hold around his limbs because apparently, to himself, he is never good enough.
He knows Xiao avoids even the slightest reflective surface most times because he just can’t stand looking at himself without wanting to rip his own hair out in disgust.
Venti hates it. Maybe he should stop ignoring it. Maybe this is where he puts his foot down.
“Xiao.” Venti says, frustrated. Not at his boyfriend, but at how he can never seem to help him get better.
“Venti, my love.” Xiao parrots.
“How long are you planning on wallowing in your self hatred?” Venti asks, slender fingers tracing Xiao’s features. They stop at the huadian on his forehead, tapping it twice, impatiently, as he silently waits for Xiao to respond.
“Sorry?” Venti can’t tell if he’s asking for clarification or apologizing. Nonetheless, Xiao clears his throat and speaks again, his voice quieter as he tries to chuckle it off nonchalantly. “You’re losing me. I don’t know what you mean by that.”
“When was the last time you ate?”
Xiao’s face falls. “This morning.” He lies. Venti can tell. The way his eyes dart away from him, it’s too obvious. He gets flustered too easily, the tips of his ears turn a bright red. Venti sighs, gently holding and guiding Xiao’s face to face him. Xiao still tries to avert his gaze.
“Bullshit. Tell me the truth.”
“Yesterday morning.”
It makes Venti sigh. He hates this depressing loop of dialogue. Xiao’s sharp eyes flick toward his aqua ones.
“Fine. Monday evening.” It’s Wednesday evening. Venti wants to strangle his boyfriend. He really does. He wishes he could just grab Xiao by the shoulders and shake him until he comes to his senses.
“I’m sorry, I must have forgotten, okay?” Xiao responds as if that’s some kind of excuse, pulling a hand out from under the blanket and trying to hold the older man’s in his.
“You don’t just forget to eat for two days.”
“I had a snack.”
“A handful of almonds does not count as a snack. It’s barely enough for a child, let alone you.”
It’s Xiao’s turn to sigh this time. “Fine.. fine. Okay.” He mumbles under his breath, finally peeling the covers off of himself and letting Venti take care of him. He gets up, his hair messy. A sight Venti adores usually, but not like this.
The younger man shoots him a look as Venti grabs his too thin wrist, pulls him towards himself for a hug, a whisper into his skin as his lips brush Xiao's neck. "You worry me too much, you know?"
Xiao grunts in response as Venti's hands travel under his sweatshirt, trailing his ribs, the impossible dip of his concave stomach.
Skin and bones. Venti can't help but cringe. He puts one hand on Xiao's stomach, one on the small of his back, horrified at the fact his hands are so close to each other. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" Venti asks. Xiao's bigger, bony and calloused hands wrap around his, trying to pry the fingers off of his stomach. "Stop it, Venti. Please." His voice is soft, tired. It’s clear he doesn’t want to have this conversation right now, but when else?
"No. Eat with me. I’m here for you." Venti sighs into his skin, pressing a kiss to his nape. Guilt crawls up Xiao's spine, intertwines with love and lodges itself like a thorn in his heart, squeezes until he feels like he can't breathe. "Venti." The older's name on his tongue sounds like he's suffocating. "Please, stop."
"Tell me why." Venti responds. His eyes are glistening, not quite crying yet, but getting there. "Why do you keep doing this?" He asks again.
Xiao's indifference, his selfishness makes him want to rip the boy to shreds. He still doesn’t answer, though. “Xiao.” Venti’s voice is firm, making goosebumps rise along his arms, dread clear on his face as he gulps.
He doesn’t want to make Venti upset. Never. He’d rather die a thousand deaths. Maybe he’ll be honest with him. Just this once, maybe after he can find a hole to die in, disappear from his life. Die in an alley somewhere where light won’t find him.
But he can’t.
The dam breaks, something in him shatters, Xiao can feel it. Maybe his heart strings are snapping in his chest one by one. In any case, it feels like he’s dying.
“Venti..” Xiao closes his eyes, presses his back closer to the blue haired man’s chest and listens to his soft breathing. “Baobei.. forgive me. I’m sorry..”
He swallows back the sob rising in his throat and speaks shakily again, turns around to look up at Venti with the eyes of a religious fanatic, as if his boyfriend is some kind of god. "I'll eat. I’ll eat, alright? So please don't do this to me.. Don’t make me feel guilty."
His calloused hands reach up, trembling, and cup Venti’s face, pulling his face closer so he can stare at the light reflecting from his aqua eyes. “Don’t, please.” He’s pleading now, hanging his head like some kid who got caught stealing candy. Asking for some kind of forgiveness.
Venti just sighs, wipes away the tears on his face before they can drip down Xiao’s chin with deft hands. His fingertips feel agonizing.
Xiao just doesn’t want his pity.
"You'll finish it." Venti says simply.
"The whole plate, I'll even have seconds. For you.. Please.." Xiao raises Venti’s hand to his lips, kisses every knuckle once, twice. It’s his way of apologizing, Venti knows.
And Venti smiles, it’s a bright little thing, like a glowing ball of light, even though his eyes are still wet. Xiao can feel his lungs filling with something like water. Drowning in that sad little smile. He wants to kiss away Venti's worry, but he knows he can't.
“Thank you.” Venti says, and Xiao wants to fall to his knees in agony because how could he make him upset in the first place? How could he burden the love of his life like this?
Only Venti loves him like this. Only he puts up with Xiao like this, and he is grateful. He wants to kneel before the archons to thank them for putting this little ball of warmth into his life.
“I’m sorry.” Xiao repeats, over and over, pressing scared kisses to Venti’s cheeks. His chapped lips tickle against the sensitive skin of Venti’s face, but he just lets Xiao spout his apologies.
“It’s alright.”
All Venti can do now is be there for him, and he hopes it’ll be enough.