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Despite the countless reassurances from those close to him, Refur had a hard time accepting he was allowed to be loved. Love was something deserved by someone with a simpler, less dangerous life. Whether as a hunter or a forest warden in his youth, or as a pirate or a mercenary as he grew to be an adult, his life was far too likely to give anyone who loved him worry and grief. This was what he told himself countless times.
Whenever he felt the familiar, aching pangs of love in his heart– whether for someone he wished to be a comrade, a friend, or a lover– he tried, and often failed, to quash it down. After all, he refused to be a burden. How could he allow himself, the vaunted so-called “Warrior of Light”, to harm someone so? Even as the bonds of friendship were forged with the Scions, even as the deeper, more intimate love blossomed behind the closed doors in Ishgard and Ala Mhigo, he swore to himself every time to never expect his attachment to others be requited.
So why was it so damn painful this time?
The feelings he held now had been slowly swelling in his heart for moons. Years, if he was to be truly honest with himself. If he allowed himself to truly examine his heart and mind for a moment, he’d find this love stretched back five long years to his first meeting with the Sons of Saint Coinach, though it hadn’t been recognizable as such then.
At first, he found the excitable, inquisitive Miqo’te to be admirable. His fire and passion outshone even the yet-unjaded Warrior of Light, fresh off of a battle where he dealt a crippling blow to the Garlean presence in Eorzea. His thirst for knowledge, with comparatively little hunger for the accompanying, corrupting power, was a trait Refur wished to foster in himself more. Even as they scaled the dizzying heights of the Crystal Tower, he found himself preoccupied with that scholar a bit more than he probably should have been.
Admittedly, as the years wore on, the space that young man held in Refur’s mind dwindled as war after war took its toll. First, the Dragonsong War, then the wars of Doman and Ala Mhigan independence. Yet, even as logistics crowded his thoughts and horrors plagued his memories, Refur never forgot that Miqo’te from years past.
Even as he was– through a process he was still not sure he understood– plucked from the realm of Hydaelyn to the First, that now-distant memory lingered, only to be brought to the forefront anew. Here was the same tower he had explored some years ago, along with– yes, that same scholar. Or, at least he thought. He was pretty sure it was him. He had the same voice, albeit aged a bit. He had the same quirks in the movement of his tail. He had the same fervent passion and desire for knowledge. He even had the same smile, though anything above it was obscured by that hood, drawn intentionally and frustratingly low.
As those moons passed on the First, his suspicions solidified that this was the selfsame man from years ago. Even as it was finally revealed, it was not so much a surprise as a confirmation. And over these moons too, did admiration and respect grow to fondness. However, it wasn’t until the Crystal Exarch laid bare the risks in his plans to return them to the Source that the word for this type of fondness crystalized in his mind: love.
Now that they were all back in the source, Refur was painfully aware of this burden of unrequited love in his heart. Their brief foray into the hostile depths of Azys Lla only served to fan the flames. That same passion, that same fervor, that same genuine smile, it threatened to make his heart burst. Something had to be done, consequences be damned.
They were back now. Cid had been called, and it would be a few bells before he would arrive in Mor Dhona. That would provide enough time for him to make his confession, then recover from what he assumed would be the rejection that followed.
He glanced around the room. The present Scions had begun to disperse, as the details from Azys Lla had all been covered. G’raha Tia had retreated to a chair against the wall of the Rising Stones, poring over what appeared to be notes he had taken the day prior. It was now or never, and Refur had to act now before the false inflation of his confidence by urgency left him.
Even despite this surge in confidence, his voice was uncharacteristically shaky. Inspiring hundreds before battle seemed so trivial in comparison to this. “Raha, if I may? Can we speak for a moment? Alone, in… in the solar?”
The catboy drew the papers away from his face and looked up with a small, warm smile. “Of course, my friend. Lead the way.”
Refur closed the door behind him. Alisaie had noticed the two of them entering the room and, either aware of what was about to come or simply indifferent to what was going on, gave a nod of acknowledgement. At least she would know where to find him, should things turn sour and the emotional recovery last until Cid’s arrival.
G’raha leaned against the desk, and began to speak. “So, what was it that y-”
“G’raha, I-”
The two of them chuckled a bit, fumbling over trying to give the other permission to speak. Eventually, Refur took a deep breath to try to calm himself, and began.
“Do you remember, back on the First, when you told us what might happen as you tried returning us to the Source? How you were… willing to sacrifice yourself for us, if all else failed?”
The Miqo’te tilted his head slightly, one ear flicking in thought. “Yes..?” A touch of… surprise? Though Refur wasn’t entirely sure.
“And how… you nearly did the same as I faced against Hades?”
G’raha’s voice caught a bit, perhaps a bit of confusion. Refur hoped that was all it was. “Yes, I recall… though I’m not sure where you’re going with this…”
Gods, how could a voice both be so soothing and fill his nerves with anxiety? The words struggled to come together in Refur’s mind, each thought starting and fracturing before it became complete. Another breath. A bit less obvious this time, he hoped.
“I… was so fond of you. Such a loss it… it would have devastated me.” The Viera’s ears burned with embarrassment. Hells, he was completely unable to be straightforward about this, wasn’t he?
The man across the room pondered this for a moment. “You… were fond of me? I had always hoped you would consider me a friend, even a lifetime ago in that Tower… though, I suppose, it wasn’t a lifetime for you.” He chuckled softly and that genuine smile washed over his face again.
Friend. This… was a bad idea. He was so certain this was going to end badly. He must have paused for too long, as before the next words could stumble out of his mouth, G’raha spoke again.
“I’m glad to hear it.” He stood up straighter, as if the conversation was at its end. “Though, such a simple declaration hardly warranted such privacy… Is… there more you wish to say?”
“Y-yes!” That came out a touch too loud. The catboy leaned back against the desk again, a touch amused. Refur desperately hoped it was good amusement. Rejection, he could handle, but if he were to become mocking, he wouldn’t… No. G’raha wasn’t like that. He had to just calm down a bit and get his thoughts together.
“I admired you, then. In the Tower. You were so full of passion, and your excitement was downright infectious. You could have presented to me a thesis on Allagan technology, and I would have hung onto every word.”
A slight flush crossed the archon’s face. He could do this. He just had to… be honest about how he feels. “Even as you prepared to bring us to the First, you never left my mind.”
“Refur, I-”
“Please,” Refur said, voice beginning to quiver again. “Please… I need to get this off of my chest, or else it may be bottled up forever.” The Viera felt the threat of tears at the corners of his eyes. He hadn’t expected his emotions to come out this strongly.
G’raha straightened up, though he still put his weight against the desk. He nodded thoughtfully. “Continue.”
He swallowed. “And as I finally got pulled to the First, I… I knew it was you. In an instant. That admiration came rushing back, and the confusion and fear I felt from being torn away to another star was… quieted. I somehow knew that, despite everything… it was going to be okay.”
Another pause. Another deep, shaky breath. His voice came out a bit more certain. “That admiration grew. It grew into respect, into fondness. And that moment you said I might lose you again… it was crushing.”
“I…” He almost said it, but the words refused to come out. Another approach, then. “I’m afraid to let people get that attached to me. I put myself at such risk… the worry I put people through makes me guilty enough as it is… I…”
The silence dragged on for too long. G’raha must have felt compelled to break it. “I think… I understand. I admire you greatly. After all, it was just yesterday that I called you ‘hero’, was it not?” He chuckled, and for a moment, it felt like hesitation from him as well. “I… am glad to have you as my… friend.”
A wash of red painted over the Warrior of Light’s face. He had to redirect this… He had to get it out somehow… He had to– “That’s not what I meant! I-I mean…”
It came out a bit too loud again, and the Miqo’te’s ears flattened slightly. “I’m not sure… what is it you’re trying to–”
“I love you, G’raha Tia. I-I think I always have. What I feel for you… it’s more than friendship.” Those tears were no longer a threat. They made good on their promise, and began to well up. Refur looked up, trying to mask the unwelcome shine in his eyes. “I can’t… keep hiding it. I need… an answer, so I can let it go…”
The flush in the archon’s cheeks rose, accompanied by a mix of emotions Refur couldn’t read through the blurring of his tears. Compassion? Concern? Pity? The Viera stepped closer, banking on the hope that it was the most positive of those, when in fact, none were the true expression.
As soon as Refur’s hands were in reach, they were snatched up by the hands of the recipient of his confession. “It seems…” There was a pause, just too long to keep the first tear from brimming over onto his cheek. As G’raha spoke again, the emotion in his voice had swelled. “It seems we have that much in common then.”
The Viera’s breath stopped for a moment. Did… did that mean what he thought it meant?
“T-though I never dared dream it to be requited. It felt selfish to desire such from the vaunted Warrior of Light.” A soft, bashful chuckle escaped his lips. “I can scarcely believe it now, in fact…”
Those next few tears managed their escape as Refur’s breath returned, still unsteady. “You… you mean…”
“Yes,” he said with a joyous chuckle and a mirrored glint in his eyes. “I have loved you for a lifetime. This…” he lifted Refur’s hands and drew them against his chest, “is many dreams fulfilled.” He now sat fully on the desk, his tail flicking about to the side of him.
Refur couldn’t believe it. It took a few seconds for those words to register. When they finally did, he stepped forward, drawing his arms around the catboy in a tight embrace. A thousand suns of adoration, a dozen moons of desire, and the fear and impending grief of many close calls culminated into this moment: the two of them holding onto each other for what felt like bells as though, in an instant, they could wake from the happiest of dreams to a bitter reality.
A minute came and went, then another, and still another before the two were finally willing to separate their hold on each other long enough to see the other’s face. The tears were gone from both of them now, though their telltale signs hadn’t had the time to disappear. The long silence, moments ago only filled by the occasional crackling from the dimming fireplace, was broken again.
“Raha, may I… kiss you?” Something about the reciprocation of long-burning adoration was enough to turn this war-hardened Warrior into the picture of a schoolboy’s first love. The innocence of the question caught the both of them off guard for a moment, drawing a bit of heartfelt laughter from the Miqo’te’s chest. Flushed cheeks adorned both of their faces, their gaze meeting each other’s again.
“Yes, Refur. A thousand times yes.”
The two wrapped their arms around each other once again. This embrace, much like the first, felt like a lifetime passing. Though, instead of their faces buried in the napes of each other’s necks, they were joined together at the lips. Hands found purchase on the other’s back, or their hip, or their neck as they kissed each other for the first time. The end of G’raha’s tail loosely wrapped around his companions arm, and one of Refur’s hands settled at the small of his newfound love’s back.
It started chaste, though soon that pretense fell away too, as the two of them enacted the dreams of many nights. That same fervent passion G’raha held for other tasks was found here too, his lips parting just a touch as the two of them drew each other closer. This kiss, too, saw many minutes pass, and only as the fireplace began to grow colder as the last fresh wood turned to embers and ash did they pull away. They lingered a moment longer, foreheads still pressed together as joy-filled smiles spread across both their faces.
Though it could hardly be called true silence this time, it was at long last cut again with the Viera’s words. “No matter what happens… I will love you to the ends of the star.”
The two held each other close again, faces buried in each other’s neck once more before they had to face the outside world again, though this time united by a different bond. “And I, you.”