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Steve doesn’t know what it is about him that’s so punchable. He doesn’t know what makes everyone want to beat the shit out of him. First his own father, then his so-called ‘best friend’, then Jonathan Byers, then fucking monsters, then Billy Hargrove, then Russians.
Was he born to be a punching bag? Just something for everyone to take their anger out on? Did he deserve it? He probably did at some points, but not always. He certainly didn’t deserve it when he was eleven years old and his dad broke his nose for not cleaning the pool well enough.
He doesn’t think he deserved it when Tommy smashed his face into a wall twice after Steve decided he didn’t wanna hang around him anymore.
Maybe he did deserve getting beat to hell after what he said to Jonathan. He went too far, he knows that. But he was just so angry, Jonathan took pictures of Nancy taking her shirt off when she thought she had privacy and safety, and Steve was angry and protective. He regrets breaking his camera, but he was just trying to make sure he never took pictures like that again, so he couldn’t take advantage of a moment when Nancy or anyone else was vulnerable. And then he found out his girlfriend had ran off with the creep who took pictures of her? He didn’t know what to think, he was just feeling angry and confused and protective and heartbroken. He did go too far with the things he said though. So yeah, maybe he deserved it that time.
He didn’t deserve it when Billy beat him senseless. He was trying to protect the kids, and keep them safe. Billy was getting violent with Lucas, who was only thirteen. But obviously he failed at his job. He couldn’t protect them, they had to protect themselves and ended up taking care of Steve too. At least he was able to draw Billy’s attention away from Lucas, he’d gladly take another beating so the kids wouldn’t have to.
He isn’t sure if he deserved being attacked by monsters… Technically, he didn’t do anything, there was no personal grudge there, they were just monsters doing what monsters do. And he was taking them on to protect the kids he cares about. Maybe it was karma though. Punishment for what an asshole he used to be. Retribution. So maybe he did deserve it.
Maybe he also deserved getting tortured by the Russians. Maybe he deserved it, because he got Robin involved in all of this shit. She’d never know about the secret horrors of Hawkins if it wasn’t for him.
–
Today is one of those days where Steve just feels numb. He knows underneath that layer of emptiness, there’s self hatred and fear. But he’s grateful he doesn’t have to focus on that today. Or at least he should be grateful. But he also wants to feel something. The pain had become comforting in a way. But today he went through the whole day on autopilot. He woke up, showered, changed, did his stupid hair, brushed his teeth, didn’t bother with breakfast, then went to work at Family Video. He rewinded the returned tapes, put them back on the correct shelves, completely void of emotion. Yet he faked a smile, laughed when he knew he was supposed to, bickered back and forth with Robin even though he wasn’t really feeling it. And If Robin noticed he was off, she didn’t say anything.
The whole day he’s felt like he's a character in a video game, watching himself go through the motions of the day from the back of his mind. Like someone selected him as their character and they’re controlling him as he just sits back and watches. Or maybe like an NPC. The kids have talked about that before. A nonplayer character. He sorta feels like that, if that makes any sense.
Which is why he’s sitting on his floor with his back up against his bed, dragging the cool metal of a sharp blade across his skin, applying pressure to draw blood. He just wants to feel something. It doesn’t really do anything to help the emotional emptiness he’s felt all day, but at least it brings physical pain. That’s nice. That’s something. He feels- something. So he keeps doing it until the blood begins to drip onto the floor. Then he puts his blade away and numbly walks to the bathroom to clean up, savoring the sting and the sight of his blood. He just stares into the mirror for a few minutes, looking at the pain he inflicted on himself in slight satisfaction, before finally bandaging his arm, and cleaning up the left-over mess.
He contemplates calling Eddie. He wants to smoke, he knows getting high will make him feel something. It’ll make him feel fuzzy, and giggly, and eventually- sleepy. That, or it’ll make him feel like he’s dying. That happens sometimes. He’ll smoke too much and feel like every breath he takes weighs a hundred pounds, his whole body feels heavy and he feels like he can’t walk, though if he forced himself he could actually walk for hours. He knows, he’s done it before. When he smokes too much he feels like shit, and he swears he’ll never smoke again. But then the next day the memory makes it seem so much better than being sober, and he can’t wait to get high again.
Either way. Whether fuzzy and content, or heavy and miserable, Steve doesn’t care. He just wants to feel. But he also isn’t quite sure if he wants to call Eddie. He likes the man, really. Maybe too much. He knows he’ll feel a little better being around him. Eddie makes him feel too, even before they smoke together. Eddie also knows when Steve has had enough, and makes sure he has a giggly high, he doesn’t let him get to the point where everything feels like death. He’s so sweet, Steve thinks.
But he doesn’t wanna bum him out. Steve isn’t the most enjoyable to be around when he isn’t putting on that fake ‘endearingly grumpy’ mask. It’s not that that part of him isn't real, it’s just he really hasn’t been feeling like himself lately, so he just pretends. He acts like who he was before he was consumed by the pain and trauma.
Steve is tired. He’s had that mask on all day, and he doesn’t wanna put it back on again. And he doesn’t want to have to pretend with Eddie. But he knows he’d be a buzzkill to be around right now. He could fake it until the weed kicks in. After that he won’t have to pretend anymore, he’ll be in that fuzzy headspace where everything is just.. silly.
So Steve picks up the phone and calls him. He thinks maybe he deserves to feel good for a little while.