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Crowley let him go, and they stumbled back, both shocked that it had happened.
Aziraphale’s face was conflicted, twisted in grief and confusion. Crowley’s heart broke at the sight.
“I forgive you!” the angel gasped, immediate, desperate. Crowley was reminded back to I don’t even like you! and May you be forgiven, painful jabs to his already pained heart.
He shook his head, and turned to leave.
“Crowley…”
“I’m not asking for your forgiveness, angel. I’m asking you to spend our lives together.”
“But— we can’t! Not here. We have an opportunity! You—you — and me — we can be together. You can be redeemed! You don’t have to be one of the Fallen any more!”
“I won’t play by their rules. I won’t lick their boots. We got away from them! We’ve already made our own side, our own side. Why would I ever want to go back to them?”
“But-but… Why don’t you want it? Why wouldn’t you take the chance to be redeemed? To be forgiven by the Almighty?”
Crowley was agitated. He wanted to explode with lightening and fire and anger at the mere idea of ever going back to that life. That prison. The fact that Aziraphale wanted him to? That he wanted it for himself, for both of them? He didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand it and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want it to be true that this was what Aziraphale really envisioned for them. That this was who he always had been. Always hoping to go back, to change him, despite all they’d done together.
He took a deep breath, and removed his glasses. He looked at his angel. Really looked at him. The flicker of uncertainty, the fear in his eyes, reminding him of a time not that long ago. Sitting in the dark together on a bench, waiting for a bus to take them home after achieving the impossible. How did it feel so long ago, now? Why was it so easy to forget how much they had accomplished? Why did the fear come back so easily, like it had never really left them?
“I won’t go back to heaven… because I will never ask to be forgiven for loving Her creations more than She ever did. For loving humanity, despite their flaws and their fragility and their stupid, reckless hope.” He took a step closer, and another. The uncertainty and fear he had shielded earlier behind dark glasses now fully visible, cutting a deep line of heartache in the angel to witness what usually was so carefully guarded and hidden away.
“I refuse to be forgiven…” Crowley said softly, “…for loving you with every shred of the dark and monstrous soul that I have left.”
Aziraphale was frozen. His corporation seemed to forget how to breathe.
Crowley reached a hand out, slow, tentative, desperate to touch him, to feel his warmth and love and the beating heart that had never actually needed to beat — but always, always had, somehow, seemingly of its own accord — his corporation always a step closer to human than it was supposed to be.
Crowley’s fingers twitched, hovering in the air between them, unable to let himself close the distance. “Aziraphale?”
Something flickered in the angel’s eyes. Suddenly they shone with tears, brimming over and flowing down his beautiful face.
“Oh, Crowley,” he gasped, stepping forward into waiting arms, clinging desperately as they pulled him close. His face pressed to Crowley’s neck, leaving wet tears and hot, ragged breaths, strong arms holding him tightly as he sobbed.
“I’m so sorry,” he finally whispered when he had calmed, tears silent but still flowing steadily from red rimmed eyes. “I thought… I thought— we’d have protection again. That we wouldn’t have to hide, that we could be together and do important things and be on the same side again.” He pulled back shakily to look up into Crowley’s eyes, hands flat on Crowley’s chest over his heart. Crowley tried to hide the hurt Aziraphale’s words brought up, his arms loosening around the angel but not letting go.
“But…we’ve always been on the same side, haven’t we,” Aziraphale said. It wasn’t a question, his voice held conviction as he looked into Crowley’s eyes. “How could I have forgotten that? I don’t know what came over me. Every fear I’d ever had, of heaven, of losing you, of being helpless to stop them… it felt so overwhelming. But when the Metatron had the solution, that you and I could both return and everything could be fixed, it was elation. It felt divine, like nothing wrong could ever happen again as long as we returned… Why did I think Heaven could possibly be different, after all we’ve seen them do for millennia?”
Crowley swallowed thickly but it didn’t help the tight anger bubbling up his throat. “I don’t know. But I suspect it was deliberate. They could have done something, to make you forget…”
Aziraphale leaned into Crowley, the arms still circling him pulling him close again. Aziraphale slipped his arms around the thin waist, returning the embrace, giving as much as receiving the comfort they both needed in that moment more than ever.
Crowley let out a shaky breath and put his lips to fluffy white curls. “I almost lost you again, angel,” he whispered.
“I think you might be right, dear boy.” Aziraphale shuddered, pale and sick with sudden understanding. His knees almost buckled as a cold and icy pit opened in his stomach. “I think it was a test. Or a trap.”
Crowley held him firmly, keeping him steady. “Angel? Are you alright? A trap for what?”
“To force us both to return.”
Crowley looked a bit pale himself as the words sunk in. “But why? What do you think they’d…do? With either of us? We already showed them they can’t use holy water or hellfire on us…”
“I really can’t say with any certainty. It just was overwhelming, the desire for us both to return,” Aziraphale said.
The thought was unsettling, but Crowley shrugged. “Well, good thing they couldn’t get either of us. You know, I’ve been thinking, about the whole Lazarus-scale thing they said we set off? If we could have brought back 25 of the buggers when we weren’t even trying, what kind of power do we have if we really wanted to cause some damage?”
“That’s a very good point…”
“I think they’re afraid of what we could do, who we could overpower.”
“Hmm. It’d be an awful shame if they ever realized all we care about is being left alone and having a nice vintage of wine with dinner.”
“Maybe we should tell ‘em. Might actually get some peace and quiet for more than a few years.”
“I don’t know. Might serve them right to be wary of us. Just a bit longer.”
Crowley’s lips slowly curved upwards in a proud smirk.
“What?” the angel asked, smile a bit shy, knowing full well Crowley would know it was an act.
“Don’t play innocent with me. Your grudges are legendary.”
“Well I certainly am not feeling very peaceful or kind if they actually had plans to try to…imprison, or…hurt…one or both of us.”
That was a bit sobering. “Oh, no, I’m all for it. But perhaps we should reinforce the protections around the bookshop. Just in case they think they can pop in for teatime.”
“Crowley?”
“Yeah, angel?”
Aziraphale placed his hand gently on his face and pressed their lips together, unrushed and lingering. “What you said earlier? Will you say it for me again?”
“I love you, Aziraphale. More than there are stars in the universe, and I’ll love you for far longer then they will hang in the sky.”
“What will we do once they’ve all gone?”
“I’ll make you new ones. As many as you’d like.”
Aziraphale pulled him down this time, clinging desperately to him as he tried to pour his overwhelming feelings of devotion and happiness into the kiss. When they parted, Aziraphale pressed his forehead to Crowley’s, breathing deeply as their hands found each other, fingers lacing together and holding tightly.
“Crowley, I love you, more than I could ever hope to find words to explain. I think I was created to love you. Every atom in my body sings for you. They always have. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you.”
“I think, maybe, we’re exactly where we need to be. Lunch at the Ritz?”
“I would love to, my darling.”