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Dabi teases Bakugo, running his hands through his hair and messing it all up. The blonde pushes him away, grumbling something about disrespect.
This reminds Todoroki of the movies he's been allowed to watch as a kid, of family—of brothers. Roughhousing and teasing each other, being annoyed with each other, yet still having a soft look in their eyes. Is this what he's missed out on? Is this what he could've had? He doesn't really know how to feel, he's numb. He hears laughter buzzing around, like an annoying fly begging to be killed. He hates this.
"Hey, Todoroki, right? Bakugo and I are gonna head to the mall. Kid wanted to buy the limited edition Eraserhead merch that just came out. God knows why he's a villain yet still buying shit like that. Wanna come with?" Todoroki wants to scoff.
Wants to cry, wants to... "Todoroki, right?" Why is he playing pretend? Like he doesn't know. Like they weren't once tied to the same fate?
"I hate you." He says it so matter factly that it even surprises him.
It doesn't sound like him. It sounds like an impression of him, or more so, it sounds like the him that was held down by Endeavor. The him that harbored no emotion; the him before Bakugo.
"Oh—I…" The bar is quiet.
A stark contrast from the bubbly atmosphere that inhabited the room only seconds prior.
"Did you know when you left, we were heartbroken? For months we were broken people. Natsuo cried for days on end, he could barely keep his food down. Most days we were lucky if he didn't throw up. Fuyumi didn't react much to your death—publicly at least. The shrine room wasn't sound proof and my room was right across from it. And I... I think at the time I understood that you were never coming back, but I desperately tried to believe you would. That I was just a dumb child who knew nothing, that you wouldn't abandon us like this. In that hellhole."
He turns around, facing Dabi. While Todoroki's face is blank it seems Dabi has lost that ability after not being a constant in Endeavor's life.
"Shou—" He's cut off.
"I hate you so much. I hate the you who abandoned us, the you who found another family in our absence. The you we needed."
Maybe Todoroki was away for too long at U.A., granted too much freedom. For even he is on the edge of his seat, mask cracking and emotion lighting his face. He is… he is angry. Furious. But there is also something else, something like—
"We needed you and you left us. Left us to rot in that godforsaken household. None of us were ever the same afterward. Your death was never processed, no one ever healed. Fuyumi doesn't nearly smile as much anymore and Natsuo… I think he really took your death the worst out of all of us. God Dabi—Touya, even now he barely eats! You were the one thing holding us together, after you left everything… everyone was awful."
Teeth clenching down and fists balled, Todoroki stands there momentarily. Trying to collect all his emotions, trying so hard to not lash out.
"Shou please—"
"No. Where were you when I was shouting at God to bring you back? Where were you when I was screaming please, please, please at the foot of your shrine? I'll listen to your pleas after you've heard mine."
It's silent. Todoroki continues.
"When you left everyone stopped trying. It made sense at the time, they had their own shit to deal with, after your supposed death and all. I thought you'd come back soon or at least everything would eventually get better. Kids are naive like that. I was naive like that. It never got better Touya!" He spits it out, running on raw emotion. "It only got worse! Everything spiraled down! Mother burned me because I looked too much like father! Fuyumi and Natsuo avoided me completely! We stopped having dinner together and—and they stopped coming to see me! Every day training was over I had to patch myself up because no one else was going to help me! I was totally and utterly alone! Fuyumi and Natsuo got out of the house as soon as they could! And I was left alone. I could hear them, the maids. Poor abandoned Todoroki Shouto! What a joke."
—desperation. Todoroki Shouto is desperate, desperate to love and desperate to be loved.
Shouto is breathing heavily, he's since let the tears fall freely, it's the only freedom his body is allowed. He raises his head from the ground, locking eyes with his brother, his brother who is a stranger to him.
"I hate you. I hate you so much! My life has been hell ever since you left! I hate that you always patched me up! That you always knew what would cheer me up! I hate that you forced us together, forced us to be a family! I hate that you held me whenever training got too much! Or whenever I got too lonely! I hate that you never forgot my birthday! That you never treated me any different than our other siblings! I hate that you showed me what family was! What being loved and cared for is like! And then you just left. Left me all alone. You showed me love and then left Touya! I hate that you ever loved me! It just means I had to continue living, continue existing, knowing what love felt like! Knowing I no longer had it!"
Shouto pauses, taking a step forward until he is right in front of Touya. Chest to chest; heart to heart. Both of them are a mess, breathing heavily as the cool air and low lights of the bar highlight their wet cheeks.
"But most of all, I hate the part of me who understands you. Why you left, why you never looked back. Why you never told us you were alright, that you lived. Looking back means acknowledging that you have people waiting for you, people who you're going to hurt. I know why you left Touya, I know and yet I still can't stop this hatred in my heart. This want to pull you closer and tell you how much I miss you but still being afraid to be burnt. It hurts Touya, it hurts so much. Knowing you're alive, knowing that Bakugo—that everyone here got the Touya I longed for. They got the caring older brother, the one I would dream of daily, the brother who I wanted to love me as much as I loved him."
Shouto sniffs, and the never ending tears fall quickly down his cheeks, he can't seem to stop it. No matter how much he wipes his eyes it won't stop.
"It's not fair. Why did Bakugo get the loving brother? The one that was supposed to love me? Why did he get all the love and all I got were distant pleasantries. I was so alone Touya, so dreadfully alone. Did you know, when I thought you were dead, how much I wanted to see you again? Wanted to meet and embrace you once more? How many times I've tried to see you again?" Touya does know; he hates that he knows. "I was finally putting your death behind me, finally accepting that you're gone. And yet here you are. With a brand new family who you loved more than you ever loved us—ever loved me. I think that hurts most of all, that we were so easily replaceable. That no matter how much I loved you, how much I thought of you, you never thought about nor loved me to the same capacity."
Shouto is sobbing by this point—his muscular body meant for defeating villains seems so frail. He's shaking, gasping for air, and he feels a light touch on his shoulder before he's pulled into a tight hug. He curls into himself as he weeps in his brother's arms.
His brother who he loves so much; his brother who loves him just as much, if not more.
"I hate you." It's said softly.
"I know."
In that moment Dabi becomes Touya once more, the brother who loves his little Shou. The brother who comforts his brother as he cries. In a weird, maybe twisted way, Touya is happy. Happy Shouto is angry at him, happy that he still has emotions. That he still feels something, even hatred, toward him. He just hopes that's not all that's left. He rocks Shouto slowly, like a lullaby it calms him. He's still shaking, still so damn tired from all of this, he doesn't know what else to say. Thankfully Touya always helps him, always saves him when he needs saving the most.
"Damn kid, let it all out, it's okay. I'd hate me too if I were you. But Shou, I never stopped loving you. Never stopped caring for you. Back then—fuck, back then I was such a mess, y'know? Melting skin and everything, I'm surprised I didn't get an infection." Touya chuckles, squeezing his little brother closer in their already impossibly tight hug. "There were so many times where I almost went back or at least let you know I was okay. Even though I told myself I needed to let go, I never did, I guess father was right about that, I never did fucking listen. I watched you grow up from a distance and you have no idea how hard it was for me to not go back. I love you so damn much, Shouto."
Through snot and tears Shouto lets out, "Why didn't you take me with you? Why did you leave me there all alone?"
And that is the question, isn't it?
"To be honest, I was scared. Scared of so many things. I wanted to take you with me so badly, Shou, wanted to take you away from that horrible place. But I couldn't because ultimately I was a coward, I was so scared of what could happen instead of what I knew would happen. I knew he wouldn't stop the training, knew he'd probably start training you harder after my death. But I was too busy thinking about the what ifs. What if he tries to find us? What if I can't take proper care of you? What if you started to hate me? What if I actually died and you were left out on the streets? All by yourself? I let fear guide me and I regret it to this day."
There's a pause where no one talks, where all that happens is Shouto burrowing himself further into his brother's embrace.
"Y'know, Dabi never forgot about you, he constantly talked about you to us." Bakugo's voice breaks the silence, it's delicate in a way he only shows those he cares for.
"He didn't…?" Hopeful.
Compress chimes in, wanting to lighten the mood and spirits of the boy in front of him.
"Yes! So much to the point we can probably accurately retell your childhood. It was always little Shou this or little Shou that. He talked about all your favorite things: foods, shows, the mannerisms you had! Like scrunching your nose when you're annoyed!" Admittedly he does ramble, but he so desperately wants to let Shouto know that his brother does love him.
"I do not scrunch up my nose when annoyed." He says, scrunching his nose in annoyance.
"Suuuure ya' don't Shou, you're definitely not doing it right now, definitely not." Touya teases and Shouto pouts and oh—it's just like the movies, isn't it?
The movies where the brothers tease each other in jest, where they comfort each other when tears collect on the ground, and where they love each other dearly. Suddenly he's back in his childhood, where he didn't have to look toward movies to understand family. Where regardless of the hell he suffered, he was still happy because he had his family—he had Touya. It seems like forever ago and yet—
—"I love you." It's said like a mending promise.