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From the start, Akane figured it would always be her and Kana rivaling each other.
Kana had been the one to bring Akane into the world of acting, after all, even if she didn’t realize it.
“Rewind it for me, mama!” Akane sat in front of the TV, awestruck by one of Kana’s performances, the way she’d managed to make herself cry always had Akane amazed.
She thought Kana was amazing.
“You really love Kana-chan a lot, don’t you, Akane?” Her mother chuckled softly as she gave into her daughter’s request, rewinding the movie and starting the scene over once again.
“Yeah, after all, she’s so awesome! She’s a child genius who can flick a crying switch! She’s so cute and great at acting, she can speak clearly even when talking to adults!” Akane’s eyes lit up as she spoke about Kana, seeing nothing but positives about her favorite actress. “She’s so cool..”
“Then, why don’t you try acting too, Akane?”
Huh?
No, Akane would never be able to do something like that.
“I.. I can’t do it..” Akane said worriedly as she flipped through the pamphlet her mother had given her, full of information on the Hydrangea Theatre Troupe, a children’s acting troupe. “I’m shy around people, I’m a scaredy cat.. I’m a good-for-nothing..”
“You could break out of your shyness after joining…” Akane’s mother reassured her softly, and Akane knew she was right, it would be a great chance to improve her people skills.
“Perhaps you could even become friends with Kana-chan.”
If I could be friends with Kana-chan, I would be so happy I could die.
I wanted to become like Kana-chan, so I worked really hard. Getting closer to her was my goal.
I really loved her, that is, until the very day I met her for the first time.
That was the day Akane’s dream came crashing down on her.
Becoming friends with Kana? As if.
Akane shook away that memory, sighing as she grounded herself in reality once again.
After that day, Kana’s name slowly disappeared from the public eye, appearing less and less in productions. At one point she’d even taken on singing as a way to keep her career going, but that was short lived.
Akane waited, and waited, and waited, she hated how she still kept up on Kana’s activities despite their sour introduction, but she never heard anything about Arima Kana being in the spotlight again after that.
While Akane’s popularity as an actress skyrocketed, nothing was to be said about Kana, like she’d completely disappeared from the public eye.
That was strange. That wasn’t the Kana she knew.
The Kana that Akane knew was strong, resilient, never giving up no matter what. Akane admired her for those traits and more, even if she’d never admit it.
Deep down, Akane still felt that way about Kana even after the first time they’d met.
Even after Kana had said she’d hated people like Akane.
A part of her hoped that Kana would resurface at some point, coming back as strong as ever, but as the years passed her hope diminished as well.
That pissed her off. They were rivals, damn it, Kana couldn’t just quit that easily.
If she had to, Akane would track down Kana herself and drag her away from whatever occupied her time now, dragging her back into the acting world even if it meant she’d be kicking and screaming in response.
Akane wouldn’t let Kana fall just like that.
It didn’t take long for Akane to track down Kana’s address, she knew all of the right places to look. If she showed up unannounced, surely Kana would be forced to hear her out, and she figured that the redhead wasn’t up to much these days anyway.
Kana was the type of person who shone the best when all of the attention was on her. Akane figured that if Kana was doing something besides acting, she would’ve heard about it by now.
And so, Akane stood outside of Kana's residence on a late Thursday afternoon, hand lifted as she hesitated to knock on the door.
Taking a glance at her surroundings again, as if checking to see whether or not anyone was watching here, and once she'd confirmed no one else was around, Akane finally knocked on the door, holding her breath.
At first, there was nothing but silence on the other side, and Akane almost knocked again, but she was interrupted mid knock by footsteps sounding from inside, the door slightly being pushed ajar, innocent red eyes staring at Akane.
"Kurokawa..?" Kana finally spoke after the shock of the moment passed, pushing the door open even more.
"Arima," Akane spoke softly, glancing away from Kana for a moment, as if she was unsure of what to even say. "Long time no see."
A part of Akane felt shocked to see how much Kana had changed over the years, like she’d figured out how to get along with people better. She seemed softer.
"Yeah, uh.." Kana furrowed her brow at her visitor, as if trying to figure out what exactly her old rival was doing on her doorstep. "What are you doing here?"
What was she doing there?
Akane didn't fully know, the only thing she knew was that she wanted answers out of Kana, hoping to drag her back into the entertainment world, but really, Akane had no concrete idea of how she'd even go about that.
Ultimately she'd decided to figure it out in the moment, and the realization of how much of a mistake that was finally set in as Akane stood across from Kana.
"Arima, I.." Akane began, her gaze landing back on Kana, making note of her hair being tied back in a short ponytail. "Listen, I'll get straight to the point.."
Akane trailed off, curling her fingers against her palm, feeling sharp acrylic nails digging into her skin, offering her some form of a distraction from the situation she'd put herself in. She needed to choose her words carefully, otherwise it would come off like she was an obsessive fan begging Kana to return to acting.
Really though, Akane didn't know how to phrase it other than being straightforward with Kana. If that made her come off as an obsessive fan, so be it, as long as she got her point across.
"Would you.. would you consider returning to acting?"
Akane posed the question, instinctively holding her breath.
Kana stared at her with an unreadable expression, maybe she was considering Akane's question, until she furrowed her brow.
"No."
"Arima, just hear me out—"
"I'm not hearing you out, Kurokawa. Arima Kana has no fans left, there's nothing left in the entertainment industry for me,” Kana spoke bitterly, almost shutting the door in her visitor’s face.
“You’re wrong.” Akane retorted firmly, gesturing towards herself. “She still has one fan, right here.”
Kana went to respond, a flash of emotions running through her face as she tried to finally pinpoint just what the fuck was going on, Akane could easily tell that she had no idea on how to react to the situation at hand, the reality of the situation must've just set in hard for Kana.
Her old rival suddenly showing up on her doorstep, demanding for her to get back into acting? Yeah, in what universe could that work out in, Akane had to laugh at herself and how she even managed to think this idea could ever work.
Kana sighed suddenly, opening the door and gesturing for Akane to enter. “Fine, come in then if you’re gonna be like that.”
Akane blinked, as if she wasn't expecting to be invited in so easily, but she followed Kana into her home, glancing around at the scenery. She wanted to understand why Kana had such a sudden change of heart, she'd seemed firm on her opinion just a moment ago.
Akane also quickly disregarded her earlier thought of Kana softening, she still had her sharp tongue even after all those years. That was fine, Akane could keep up with that.
The house was kept tidy, almost too tidy, did Kana live alone? It seemed that way, but it was such a big place for her to be living in by herself.
Akane was led into a room near the back of the house, quickly realizing it was an office space that'd been converted into a studio of sorts. A desk huddled in the corner of the room was home to what seemed to be a stack of sketchbooks threatening to topple over at any moment, scattered tubes of paint laying on the desk's surface.
The room itself was covered in canvases ranging in size and composition, ranging from paintings of scenic landscapes to portraits of individuals Akane didn't recognize, not because she didn't know the people, but because the details were so hard to make out, probably blurred and smudged as an artistic choice. Or perhaps, Kana worked from memory and couldn't remember every detail needed, Akane figured that would be the most logical answer.
In the middle of the room stood an easel, accompanied by a stool near it. Kana moved quickly, setting a blank canvas onto the easel.
"So this is what you're up to these days." Akane finally spoke after taking in the room, watching Kana drag the chair away from the desk, placing it in front of the easel.
If Akane was being honest with herself, seeing Kana turn to being an artist was one of the last things she would've guessed the former child actress was doing.
"It's not much, but it's better than doing nothing," Kana spoke as she gripped onto the handle of the nearby storage cart, rolling it over to the easel. Akane's gaze fixated on the objects on the cart, specifically on the palette, brushes and half full cup of paint water on the top shelf.
Once she seemed to be satisfied with her set up, Kana gestured to the chair in front of the easel. "Sit."
"What?"
"You want me to hear you out? You're gonna have to do something for me, too." Kana crossed her arms. "Sit down."
Akane furrowed her brow and sighed, setting down her bag and taking her place on the chair, idly playing with her hair as Kana finished getting herself set up, watching as she pulled off a black apron that'd been hanging on the door, putting it on and tying it around her waist.
The last thing Akane expected she’d be doing that day was posing as a model of all things for her formal rival.
———
“Stop squirming.”
“I’m not squirming, I just shifted my body a bit. You know, to stay comfortable.”
Kana scowled as she gripped the paintbrush even tighter, leaning forward, almost to the point where she’d been about to fall off the stool she’d been seated on. Her hand started to shake from how tightly she’d been gripping the brush, eyes glancing between the canvas and her model, brush hovering over the palette held in her non-dominant hand, wet paint threatening to dry in clumps between the bristles if she didn’t work fast enough.
“You are squirming, give me a break here. I’m not used to working with a live model.”
“Aren’t artists supposed to be able to adapt to situations like this?” The model questioned innocently with her hands posed under her chin, blue hair falling over her face in a way Kana didn’t plan on painting it as. It looked like that would be another unplanned addition to the portrait. “And besides, I’ve never modeled for anyone like this before. How was I supposed to know? I can’t read your mind.”
Akane knew nothing.
It’d always been like that, Kana thought, even back to when they were children, Akane knew nothing then.
“You don’t know anything.” Kana muttered as she dipped the paintbrush into her water cup with more force than she’d wanted, splattering murky water onto the canvas, a sign of her emotions threatening to bubble up and spill out if she wasn’t careful with her words. Sighing, she reached for a nearby tissue, dabbling the water off of the canvas, praying the colors wouldn’t meddle together too much, it’d been a while since she painted a portrait and she definitely didn’t want to fuck it up, not now. “Now quit talking, your hair keeps moving and I keep having to repaint it.”
Kana kept glancing between the canvas and Akane, double checking if every detail was right, well, as right as she could make it. She duly made note of the way the sunlight spilled through closed curtains, just barely caressing Akane’s cheek with its rays, raising her paintbrush to illustrate and capture the way she’d looked like she was glowing.
Kana’s gaze drifted up to Akane’s hair, she reached over and fetched two tubes of paint; cyan and magenta, aiming to match the hues of blues and purples dancing throughout Akane’s hair, framing her face in all the best ways. She began to squeeze out some of the cyan paint onto her palette, squeezing just a tad bit too hard, paint splattering on her hands. Kana silently cursed herself out as she wiped her hands on her smock.
“Maybe you should’ve continued acting, you wouldn’t be in a position like this if you had.” Akane said halfheartedly, ignoring what Kana had said about not talking, probably hoping to evoke some kind of reaction out of her, her eyes fluttering close for just a moment, and god, Kana hated to admit that she’d looked breathtaking.
That thought was quickly disregarded, as Kana realized how bothered she felt by the way Akane talked about her. Like she knew everything about what Kana had faced.
‘Maybe you should’ve continued acting’, as if it would be that easy, Kana thought to herself. At least Akane was pretty, that’d be enough to take her far in life, but it didn’t excuse everything. Like now, Kana was disregarding the warmth she felt in her chest as she studied Akane, in favor of feeling annoyed for the one who sat adjacent to her.
After all, having Akane show up on her doorstep unannounced evoked a lot of mixed feelings from within Kana, she wasn’t sure what the right choice was, perhaps she should’ve kicked out Akane the moment they made eye contact.
“My acting days are long over,” Kana muttered in response as she mixed more water and paint together, softly dabbling it on the canvas. She wasn’t interested in getting into detail over her past, and especially not with someone who she’d once considered her rival. Even if that was the reason behind Akane visiting her in the first place, Kana didn’t really have to entertain her ideas of what could’ve been in an ideal world. “Arima Kana will always be known as the genius child actress who couldn’t reach greater heights.”
Kana heard Akane shift in her seat, assuming she wore a scowl on her face. Kana chose not to look at her though, ignorance being bliss after all. Kana didn’t have to engage herself in her formal rival’s opinion on how her career turned out, she didn’t give a damn about what anyone thought of her choices.
Well, she tried to tell herself that.
“Arima Kana never allowed herself to reach greater heights.” Akane corrected politely, well, as polite as it seemed that she could muster in the moment.
Why did she always have to be like that? It pissed Kana off more than she wanted to admit.
Akane didn’t know anything, yet she tried to act like she knew.
Why was she so hellbent in trying to dictate Kana’s life? It’s not like Kana’s absence in the entertainment world affected her, she still managed to be successful, just another person who’d leave Kana behind without a second thought.
Akane’s behavior, in that moment, reminded Kana too much of her mother in the way she’d tried to dictate her choices in the past, pushing her dream of being an actress onto her.
Kana didn’t ask for that. And she certainly didn’t ask for Akane to show up on her doorstep after not speaking to each other for years.
“Get to the point, Kurokawa.” Kana’s voice was laced with frustration, she was tired of hearing Akane dance around the subject without actually making any real points, setting down her brush and palette. “I didn’t invite you in just for you to dance around the topic at hand.”
“And I wouldn’t have agreed to model for you if I knew you were going to be so bitchy, Arima.”
Now it was Kana’s turn to scowl. She didn’t respond, instead opting to idly pick at the dried paint on her hands, watching it chip and flutter to the floor, making note of the graphite that remained on her fingertips as well, smudged from her attempts at sketching.
Kana hated the way her name sounded on Akane’s tongue, yet a part of her yearned to hear her say it again.
“Didn’t you say you’d consider returning to acting if I did this for you? If I acted as your model while you painted—”
“No,” Kana quickly cut off Akane, feeling her frustration starting to show itself. “I never said I would consider returning,” she muttered, shifting her body in order to just barely be able to see Akane in her peripheral vision. “I said I would listen to what you had to say, but clearly you’re just here to waste my time. Really, I thought the star of Lalalai would have more things of substance to say.”
Kana bit her lip, realizing she’d probably said too much there. Her gaze landed on the palette resting near her, outlining and tracing its rigid edges with her gaze, counting the colors that’d been placed so delicately on it, long mixed and muddled away from hours and hours of work. She wondered how many layers of paint remained on the palette, feeling the urge to scrape all of it away, anything to get her out of that moment, away from Akane’s gaze, she couldn’t make eye contact.
Kana knew she’d gone too far.
And suddenly, in her moment of distraction, blue fills Kana’s central vision, the feeling of soft, gentle hands taking her own. Kana’s hands felt rough, they were dirty, undeserving of Akane’s soft embrace, and yet she still held Kana’s hands, fingers gently rubbing her own, Kana figured the graphite on her fingertips would be passed onto Akane soon enough.
“Will you just listen to me for once? Not as a rival, but as someone who’s always looked up to you.” Akane asked— no, she was practically pleading for Kana to hear her out, just this once.
Kana wanted to ask what exactly Akane meant, but she couldn’t dote on it for too long before the blue haired girl continued without giving her the chance to object.
“You’re saying that you quit acting completely, but if that was true why would you go ahead and enroll at Yoto High School, a school specifically known for their performing arts program?”
“How did you—” Kana began to ask, but then shook her head, figuring it wasn’t worth the grief of asking her. “That doesn’t matter, I enrolled in general education.”
“Even then Arima, it’s clear you still want to act, deep down you still want to be in the entertainment industry, I can see it in your eyes. I don’t understand why you keep lying to yourself—”
“Stop acting like you know me!” Kana finally snapped, shouting out, shoving Akane’s hands away from her. “What, you think that just because we used to be rivals, that gives you the right to barge into my home and dictate what I get to do in my life?!”
The silence hung heavy in the air after Kana finished snapping, immediately recoiling upon realizing what she’d done. She inhaled a shaky breath, trying to stabilize herself, still avoiding Akane’s gaze.
Really, she acted no differently than the way she had acted towards Akane upon their first meeting.
“That guy said something pretty strange, huh?” Akane laughed nervously, clearly the nerves came from being in the presence of the one she’d looked up to the most. “That they’ve already picked Kana-chan for this audition.”
“..Hmph.”
“There’s some sort of mistake, right? You wouldn’t resort to dirty tricks like that” Akane spoke with confidence, Kana hated that, she hated Akane pretending like she knew everything. She didn’t know anything about how the world worked.
Akane knew nothing.
“And what if I did?” Kana shot back without a second thought, if anyone was going to bring Akane back to reality, it would be her idol, no matter how much it hurt. Kana didn’t care, someone was bound to do it eventually.
“If you don’t already know, I’ll teach you. This is what we call match fixing,” Kana spoke coldly, not allowing Akane any room to respond. “They tried to make themselves look good by holding an audition, but in reality it’s all been decided from that start that I’d get the part.”
Akane stared at Kana like she’d been dumbstruck, like a deer in headlights, unsure of what to say.
A moment passed, and finally Akane responded.
“Kana-chan.. Are you okay with that?”
“Of course I’m okay with it. I’m receiving more work.” Kana shot back instantly, it was the truth, she was getting more work and to her, that was all that mattered.
More work meant more praise from her mother, after all. Kana didn’t give a damn about acting for the sake of acting.
“But, auditions are meant to find the person who acts best, right? To decide before the audition—”
“You ignorant brat!”
Akane flinched from Kana’s sudden shouting, but Kana didn’t care, she was going to set things straight right then and there.
“For a part like this, anyone with even basic acting skills is fine! Therefore it’s natural to use someone well known, like me! The important part is what’ll make them the most money! Rather than a talented child actor, using a famous one will get them better ratings, so that’s clearly the better choice!”
“Who cares about acting?!” Kana breathed in heavily.
A moment of silence passed between the two of them as Akane stared back at Kana, tears forming in her eyes. “That’s wrong.. Isn’t that wrong? Kana-chan, you don’t really think like that, do you?”
Akane stepped forward, bringing her fists to her chest, shaking as she spoke. “For you to say acting doesn’t matter, after all you—”
There she goes again, acting like she knew everything she was talking about.
“Stop acting like you know.”
Kana stepped forward towards Akane, reaching for her hat, one that’d obviously been inspired by Kana’s style. That bothered her so much, the fact that Akane was trying to copy every little thing that she did. “What’s with this hat? You look like an idiot.”
Kana snatched the hat away from Akane, staring with cold eyes, raising her voice once again.
“I hate people like you the most!”
Kana’s gaze finally met Akane’s, she looked like she was about to say something before Kana cut her off. “Just leave. Please.”
Akane pursed her lips. She let out a sigh, picking up her bag and turning away, but not before glancing back at Kana over her shoulder. “If you were really done with acting, you wouldn’t have invited me in.”
Just like that, Kana was left alone once again.
Silence hung in the air in a way that made Kana feel as if she couldn’t breathe properly, trying so desperately to breathe yet being unable to take anything in.
The day her mother left, Kana knew she’d just been using an excuse to get away from her.
Kana was surely a failure in her mother’s eyes, not even being able to carry out the one thing her mother wanted, the one thing she’d asked for, all she asked of Kana was for her to become an actress, why was that so hard for her to fulfil?
Kana should’ve been able to do it.
When she’d approached her mother about feeling burnt out as an actress, she wasn’t having any of it, resulting in one of the biggest arguments Kana had ever experienced between herself and her mother.
At times, she could still remember the sting she felt on her cheek after she’d been struck, remembering how wide her mother’s eyes went as she pushed out apology after apology, pulling Kana in close, as if her empty words could ever mean anything, the damage had already been done.
That was the moment Kana realized she needed an outlet, she needed to step back. She’d decided to take on painting, losing herself in every brush stroke as she tried to forget the reality of her situation. If she could create, surely she’d be able to prove to her mother one day that she was worthy of something.
Arima Kana had slowly been disappearing from the entertainment world, her silent departure most likely not coming as a surprise to anyone, she’d thought. She’d peaked before even entering Kindergarten, there was no point in wasting time to try and prove herself to anyone.
Kana soon realized that she’d needed to work on her interpersonal skills, even though she stopped acting, she knew she had to get better with working with people. She strived to improve herself, becoming a person who would be known as someone who was easy to get along with.
After all the effort that she put into herself, Kana realized that she was tired.
It didn’t matter that Kana improved herself, she was still a failure.
Even if it was expected after their argument, Kana didn’t understand why watching her mother walk out and leave her alone hurt so much.
Why did her heart ache over something she knew she’d deserved?
After the way she’d treated people for so long, Arima Kana deserved to be alone.
In that same moment, Kana’s heart ached after watching Akane leave. Even if she knew what she was feeling was deserved, she also knew Akane didn’t deserve to have to deal with Kana lashing out at her.
In some way, Kana knew Akane was right about a part of her still wanting to act. She'd never admit it, but she was right.
Kana sighed, her gaze falling on the partially finished portrait that remained. Moonlight trickled in through the window, landing on the canvas, illuminating all of the imperfections that were laid out on the canvas for all to see.
Imperfections caused by Kana’s unsteady hand, not by Akane’s appearance.
Kana’s mind drifted, guilt bubbling up from within herself once again from lashing out at Akane. She wanted to apologize, but had no opportunity to do so.
Maybe she could just.. No, Kana swore to herself that she’d never go back to acting. It wasn’t worth the heartache it brought to her and her mother.
Kana’s mother.. Her opinion didn’t matter, she wasn’t in Kana’s life anymore. It didn’t matter what she thought of Kana.
Kana bit the inside of her cheek so hard she thought it might start bleeding, but it never did. She felt pissed that Akane of all people could seriously get her to start considering acting again.
But maybe, just maybe she could give it another shot, learning how to act for herself and not giving a damn about what anyone else thought of her.
Kana still had a fan, after all.