Work Text:
Before their engagement party, before Ben leaped, before everything went wrong, Addison and Ben had a routine.
It would be about the middle of the day, Addison would be working on...something, and Ben would come up and hug her from behind and ask her, "Have you eaten today?”
Most of the time she’d say no, and Ben would make her eat something light, encourage her to eat, and tell her she was doing great.
By the time their engagement party had rolled around, her anorexia was getting so much better, she still felt a little guilty when she ate, sure, but she could eat.
So, when Ben leapt, obviously she lost some of that progress.
She really tried to take care of herself for the first couple weeks, but every time she sat down to eat, the thoughts came back, worse than ever.
*You should be working on bringing Ben home. Why are you eating? You don’t deserve to eat. This is practically your fault anyway, you’re not helping, why aren’t you helping the team?*
*Stop eating. You don’t deserve to eat, not after everything you’ve done, don’t eat, don’t eat, don’t eat-*
Yeah. It was pretty overwhelming.
During lunch break, Ian would ask her, “Did you bring any lunch? Aren’t you hungry?”
“I ate between shifts,” she’d lie. “So, I’m alright, thanks though.”
They’d shrug it off and continue to talk about a piece of code or the newest episodes of Housewives while eating. Hardly giving a damn about the amount of carbs, or the serving size...or really, eating in general.
Addison couldn’t help but feel bad that she was jealous of them.
Addison usually woke up feeling off ever since her eating habits got worse, but today was different. She didn’t just feel ‘off,’ she woke up lightheaded, dizzy and disoriented. At first, she could pass it off as a result of the nightmare she had about Ben dying, she always felt pretty sick to her stomach after those.
However, as the morning progressed, and as she continued to get ready for work, the feeling of unease didn’t go away.
She skipped breakfast, (as she’d been doing for the last little while,) and went to work with a pounding headache and an empty stomach regardless.
On the bus she took to work, there were a bunch of high school students gossiping loudly, their voices only adding to the never ending assault of sound.
When she got to work, Janis and Jenn were bantering about...God knows what loudly, so she was more than happy to greet Ben in the imaging chamber, a welcome distraction.
“Addison!” Ben breathed in relief. “Being a stay at home mom is so much harder than it looks.”
“I’ll bet...” she cleared her throat, hoping it would ward off the dizziness and pounding headache. No luck. “Your name is Francine Harper, it’s 1986. You’re married to Jackson Harper. You have two children, Nicholas Harper and Maxine Harper. They're coming back in two hours and you're in the middle of preparing dinner,” Ben paused.
“You alright? You seem...off,” Ben reached out to her.
“I...don’t worry about it. Let’s just focus on the leap,” she sighed.
*You don’t need to burden him anymore then you already have.*
“Okay…” Ben didn’t sound sure. “What should I make for dinner then? Spaghetti or something?”
Addison shrugged, the mere mention of food making her feel sick. “I don’t know. Macaroni and cheese?”
“Okay, I don’t mean to push you, but you look really pale. Are you sure you’re not sick or something?”
“I’m. Fine,” she snapped. “Sorry, just, long day. I’m not sick.”
“Let me know if you need to take this leap off, okay?” Addison nodded, but never intended to do so. She couldn’t afford that.
Addison watched as Ben plated up the food, and was hit with a sudden wave of nausea, throwing up in her mouth a little.
“Addison?”
His words of concern seemed far away from reality.
“I’ll be, uh, right back,” she walked out of the imaging chamber as collected as she could, which to be fair, wasn’t very collected at all.
Unfortunately for her, Ian was as dedicated as ever on giving her information on Ben’s leap.
“So, we’ve found more information on Francine’s husband, he’s had many ex-partners, and a bit of a criminal record, we’ve found proof of physical abuse with his other ex-wives, and we’ve figured that Ben’s trying to stop Jackson from abusing Francine and her kids-,” While Ian was rambling, Addison spotted an unfinished lunch on Jenn’s desk and gagged at the sight of food, quickly trying to swallow down her nausea as she slumped against Ian.
The next thing Addison remembered was regaining consciousness in a stuffy bathroom stall with a gentle hand on her back as she dry heaved a couple times before throwing up what little food was left in her.
“Did something happen in the imaging chamber?” Addison shook her head.
“I’m fine, just a little nauseous,” she grumbled.
“Yeah, okay, we’ve been in here for like, an hour, and I don’t know if you remember, but you’ve nearly passed out three times! You’re not ‘fine,’” Ian glanced at her. “What’s really going on?”
“Fine...don’t tell anyone,” Ian nodded.
“I won’t,” their hand was still rubbing her back.
“You know how when I first joined the project, I was really skinny and wouldn’t eat a whole lot?” Ian nodded once again, glancing at her. “Well, I had an eating disorder, scratch that, have. I have anorexia. It was getting better, back before the engagement party, but, when Ben leaped-.”
“It all just starting coming back, right?” Ian finished.
“Right. I, uh...I haven’t been eating...for the last...I guess I don’t even know how long I haven’t been eating for, if I’m completely honest. I just feel *so* guilty every time I try to eat, and-,” a sob ripped through her throat before she could stop it. “I’m sorry, Ian.”
“Don’t be,” Ian’s voice was soothing. “Thank you for telling me. Does anyone else know?”
“Ben. He was the one helping me with it, mostly. I guess Magic knows, as well? I don’t think you knows I still have it though. My dietitian and therapist too,” she let out a breath. “I’m sorry, I know you’re busy, I shouldn’t be putting this on you.”
“None of that,” Ian rolled their eyes fondly. “I got Fern to take over anyway, my team’s in good hands.”
“Figures.”
“Look, Addison, you’re not going to like what I’m about to say,” they paused. “I think you should take the day, hell, take a couple days if you need to.”
“I can’t, Ian, Ben needs me, plus, what if something happens? I’d never forgive myself,” her voice cracked.
“We wouldn’t let anything happen,” Addison turned her head to the voice. Magic. How long had he been listening anyway?
“Magic? God, how long have you been listening?” Ian glanced up in surprise.
“Long enough to know the gist of things, now, could you please come on out? I know how stuffy it is in those stalls, and, Ian, yes, before you ask, we are planning on installing air conditioning, we’re working on it,” Magic huffed.
“Good, because we’re in the middle of a heat stroke,” Ian grumbled, pushing open the stall door.
“Ian’s right, you know. Take a break,” Magic looked at her sympathetically. “You deserve it, and more importantly, you need it.”
“I can’t just take a break, my fiancé is literally lost in time!”
“Addison. This is not a discussion. You’re taking today, and tomorrow off. Jenn’ll play hologram until you get back,” Magic crossed his arms as Addison bit the inside of her cheek.
“Can I…at least talk to Ben, before I go?” Magic paused.
“I’ll allow that,” he eventually said. “But, if you don’t want to tell him about what happened, you don’t have to.”
“Yeah, well, I want to,” Addison glanced up at him. “Plus, I owe him an apology. I was pretty snappy this morning.”
“Yeah, you know, Jenn was telling me about that. You were looking at her like you wanted to bite her head off,” Ian raised their eyebrows.
“She was being loud!” She smiled. “Thanks though. For being here.”
“While you were throwing up…or just in general?”
“Both,” she decided.
“Well, don’t worry about it,” they smiled, glancing back at her. “I owe it to you. Just stop worrying us so much.”
“Yes, Mx. Wright,” she gave a mock salute as Ian rolled their eyes.
“You know, I think you’re more of a nerd then I am, sometimes,” Ian remarked.
“Well, I think sometimes you maybe right.”