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I’m not her.

Summary:

The Wanderer has always hated looking like his mother and goes to great lengths to keep it that way. But in Sumeru one must come up with other solutions.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

The sun was high in the sky today, the clouds were white and fluffy, and the breeze was gently dancing through the leaves. Glistening light shone on the morning dew as he made his way towards Gandharva Ville, he scoffs as a few hillichurls attempt to attack him and he simply sends them away on a gust of wind. A flash of green cuts across his vision as a young forest ranger runs into the path.

 

"Collei." The Wanderer acknowledges with a nod, the young girl seems stunned but quickly readjusts and smiles.

 

"Uh.. Hello mysterious yet respectable stranger!" Collei rambles, using the Knights of Favonious greeting by mistake.

 

"Stranger?" Wanderer raises a brow before remembering that he erased his existence from the memories of everyone but that overly muddling traveler, he covers his mistake with a smirk and says "Surely you remember me, Collei? Hat Guy."

 

"Ah! Yes of course! My apologies Hat Guy! What brings you to Gandharva Ville?" Collei asks with a friendly smile.

 

"I need to speak to Forest Ranger Tighnari. Nahi- Lesser Lord Kusanali said I would find him here." The Wanderer states plainly, ignoring his own slip of tongue.

 

"Yes of course! I can take you to him?"

 

"Well I didn't tell you for the fun of it."

 

"Right of course... Follow me!" And with that Collei began slinging through the trees again - however, being a near god and all - The Wanderer decides he's above that and simply glides on the power of his elemental abilities.

 

Soon the pair reach Gandharva Ville and just before The Wanderer sets down Collei glances at him and notices something odd about his usually blue-black hair, his roots are a deep purple. Noticing Collei's gaze The Wanderer glares at her and his hat appears again.

 

"Speak of this to anyone and I will remove the air from your lungs."

 

Collei nods and rushes over to her house, presumably to unpack her gear from scouting in the forest, though it could be from terror - The Wanderer doesn't particularly care. He strides over to Tighnari's house and knocks on the door, Tighnari opens the door, sees him, and sighs before moving aside to let him in. The Wanderer visits Tighnari once a month at least, sometimes more, it had gotten to the point that some gossip prone scholars began debating whether they were dating or not. The rumour was quickly squashed by The General Mahamatra, who firmly stated that neither mans romantic life was fair game for childish rumours.

 

Tighnari gets a bottle down from his shelves and hands it to The Wanderer, "Those are four times as strong as your usual. Take half a pill before you sleep each night, have another half if you wake up but no more than that." The Wanderer nods and takes the medication, Tighnari had been providing him with sleeping meds for the past 4 months now. After his encounter with Irminsul, the ex-harbinger had been experiencing violent and vivid nightmares that often resulted in sleepwalking. Via request of Lesser Lord Kusanali Tighnari had produced a drug that knocked The Wanderer out at night, occasionally to the point that another drug has to be used to wake him up. But that wasn't what he was here for... mostly. He did still need a top up of the pills. 

 

"Tighnari."

 

"Hm? Was that not all Wanderer?"

 

"...Are there ways to change hair colour here?"

 

"Permanently? No. But hair dye is extremely common in Sumeru, did you want some?"

 

...

 

"Yes."

 

...

 

"..Please."

 

////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Wanderer stood alone in the bathroom - his hat finally off - he can see dark purple roots beginning to creep into his normally midnight blue hair. He looks at the tub of dye Tighnari gave him. 

 

It will apply better to wet hair so make sure to have a shower first.

 

Check.

 

Don't wear anything you're particularly attached to. 

 

Check. He was wearing a shirt Nahida had bought at the market for him, which he hated and he has viscerally let her know, but now at the prospect of it being ruined he was doubting its pointlessness. He ignores the voice in his head clamoring for him to change.

 

Get someone's help.

 

...

 

Not quite. But as if he, an ex-fatui harbinger needed help dyeing his hair. He takes a scoop and begins coating the purple parts of his hair, it was at this point he realised he also need a haircut. with the way his fringe was growing out he almost looked like Beelzebul. He was about halfway through when there was a quiet knock low down on the door.

 

"Yes?" He says coldly, trying desperately to even out the dye already in his hair. His fingertips were stained a dark blue, Celestia above he was going to kill that fox if it didn't come out. 

 

"May I come in?" The young archons voice was not a surprise, she often visited The Wanderer's quarters to check he was okay.

 

"As if I care." He replies, and Nahida can basically hear the eye roll. Not wanting the Dendro archon's - or anyone's for that matter - pity, he quickly grabs a towel and wraps it around his head. The door opens and Nahida pokes her head in with a smile, she seems surprised to see The Wanderer wearing the shirt she got him.

 

"Thank you! I was wondering if you had any plans for tomorrow? If you don't I was thinking we could invite the Traveler and Paimon over for a picnic, they're going to leave Sumeru in a week so I thought it could be a nice send off." 

 

"You know I don't have plans for tomorrow. I never have plans."

 

"Really? You seemed rather preoccupied when I knocked," Nahida says with a smile, "And I didn't hear the shower so it makes no sense that you have a towel on your head. I assumed you were busy."

 

The Wanderer sighs, as young as Lesser Lord Kusanali appears she's still the god of wisdom. Nahida studies him curiously, watching him as one would watch an object that just won't stay still when you really need it to. 

 

"What? Do you want me to deny I was doing something when you came in? Oh yes I was simply standing in front of the mirror admiring my absolutely stunning face." The Wanderer snaps.

 

"No I was just wondering what you were doing in here that's gotten you so upset." Nahida says softly, there is no pity in her tone or gaze just barely veiled care. "Though I can tell you don't want help."

 

"I don't want nor need your help Kusanali." He mutters harshly, though as he looks down at his midnight blue stained hands hidden in his pockets, he realizes how much easier it would be with assistance.

 

 Nahida nods with a smile, "I'll be in my quarters if you need me then." She begins to leave the room but as the door nears closure something snaps within The Wanderer.

 

"Wait!"

 

...

 

"I suppose your help wouldn't be completely useless..."

 

Nahida turns around with a soft smile, she nods, "Then I'm willing to give it." 

 

With an annoyed sigh The Wanderer rips the towel off his head and lets Nahida see the uneven mess of dye on his hair. He scoffs as the dendro archons visible wince, "What? Are you too high and mighty to get your hands dirty?" He knows his words are false, he himself had seen Nahida patch up a bleeding man with nothing but a compassionate smile as blood spurted across her hands. But Nahida seems to understand that he doesn't truly mean his harsh words. She gently takes the pot of hair dye off the counter and looks inside.

 

"Midnight blue?" She asks softly, giving The Wanderer the opportunity to pretend he didn't hear her.

 

"Anything that isn't purple." He spits, refusing to show Nahida any vulnerability despite the sensitive topic at hand. 

 

She nods, seeming to understand his reluctance to open up to her, of course she could read his mind and understand exactly what's gotten him so upset but in her personal opinion that's a complete disregard of privacy.

 

"May I?" She asks, gesturing towards his hair, he nods stiffly. Nahida moves to stand behind him and pulls some roots out of the ground to create a stepping ladder; now at an appropriate height to do so, she begins to comb through his hair with his fingers, slowly but surely evening out the hair dye. The puppet sighs, old memories begin stirring melancholic feelings in his chest, thoughts of a young boy running his fingers through The Wanderer's hair while coughing relentlessly. But now those sounds of mortal fragility were replaced by the soothing melodic hums of the person who best understood him in this world.

 

Nahida continued to run her fingers through his hair, gradually adding more product. Eventually she leans back to admire the even coat, there are no visible purple streaks anymore. Checking the handwritten instructions on the empty tub she sets aside a mental timer for 15 minutes, perks of being the god of wisdom.

 

Stepping down from her stepping stool of plants she clears her throat and tentatively begins, "So I take it blue isn't your natural colour then." When The Wanderer meets her gaze with an unimpressed yet not hostile stare she continues, "Why do you dye it?" Nahida is 96.7% sure she knows why but she wants to give Wanderer an opportunity to explain it in his own words.

 

The ex-god seems to deflate slightly, the remainder of his guard lowers, and he murmurs, "I'd rather be me. Not her." 

 

Nahida takes his hand and squeezes it gently, "Having purple hair doesn't make you the same as her." She says softly. The Wanderer doesn't pull his hand away, he leans back and sits on the roots. 

 

"But what makes me better? I've spent centuries trying to be different, eventually I gave in and became worse but now... I want to be better than her." He says, and in the flatness of his voice Nahida could hear how much he trusted her, he had given up the pretence of effortless humanity and was simply... himself.

 

"This." She said without skipping a beat, "That you're able to be yourself around others. "I heard from the Traveler that Ei- Beelzebul has sheltered herself from her people in such a way that not even her familiar fully understands her anymore." She squeezes his hand again, and he finally squeezes back, seeming to understand the god gently wraps her arms around him. The puppet lets out a shuddering sigh and leans into her embrace.

 

...

 

"Thank you."

 

 

Notes:

Thank you for reading

This is my first post on ao3, I originally posted the fic on Wattpad :D