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Chikage liked to be kept.
In the loop.
At a distance.
Safe.
Still.
In the narrow space between betrayal and trust, where cautious lips struggled to find the love language of a man who knew too many languages to feel loved in any of them.
It was not Guy’s fault.
Chikage simply wasn’t built for love.
He was built for tension and fear. Precision and execution. Aversion and disappearance.
His body was attuned to threat. Not touch.
And it would not easily be convinced otherwise.
“I think you’ll have to take it yourself,” he told Guy over drinks one night, resigning himself to the fact that even after many hours of sitting at the bar, his hand still instinctively jumped away when Guy’s fingers almost brushed up against it.
He was drunk. Should have been drunk, by all accounts.
But his body was still on the run with no sign of slowing down.
“What does that mean?” Guy asked.
“... catch me if you can, I suppose,” Chikage lifted his glass to his lips, the drink and his smile equally bittersweet.
“I see. Does that not defeat the purpose?”
“Hah.”
Chikage tossed the glass away, sending it onto the floor as he sloped down, his forehead hitting the counter with a cold thud as his arms covered his head in shame.
Guy would have wanted nothing more than to hold him in that moment, but he knew better. “Chikage.”
“... whatever purpose there once was … whatever space this body had to trust … it’s been beaten out of me.”
“I see.”
“And so it doesn’t matter,” Chikage continued, exhausted from drinking and yet … agonized more than he was angry. “It doesn’t matter what you or I or anyone else does. There’s no purpose left to defeat, it capitulated a long time ago.”
“I see.”
“... you should stop doing that for a bit,” Chikage sighed, tensing his arms into an even tighter shield. “I must be an absolutely despicable sight.”
“You are not.”
“... figured you’d say that.”
“You do not have to do this, Chikage. It is alright with me if we-”
“Is it?!” Chikage snapped, straightening back up and staring at Guy. “Is it though!?”
“O-of course it is,” Guy found himself startled by Chikage’s sudden change of mood.
“... so right now … looking at me like that … you don’t desire pulling me into your arms?”
“...”
“Guy.”
“... of course I do,” Guy averted his eyes.
“Then do not lie,” Chikage sighed.
“I am not. My lack of self control when it comes to wanting more of you does not negate the fact that you, as you are, are enough.”
“... if you knew it would be like this …”
“I would still confess my feelings to you,” Guy insisted without pause.
“If I told you I would never sleep with you, never kiss you, never embrace you, never hold your hand or accept your touch …”
“I would inquire how close you are comfortable with our chairs being when I have the honor of you joining me here.”
With slow, sluggish movements, much more akin to a fall rather than a collapse, Chikage returned his head to the counter. Instead of using his arms to hide himself, he pulled them close to his chest, and he sobbed.
“I love you.”
“I know,” Guy nodded. “I love you too.”
“And it doesn’t … it doesn’t defeat the purpose if … if …”
“Chikage. Breathe.”
As ordered, he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Maybe if he closed his eyes, it would be close enough to a reset of the whole world so that his chest could stop heaving. “... earlier, I was at the station,” he seemingly changed topics for no reason.
“After work?”
“Yeah. After work.”
“I see.”
“There was a woman there. Waiting for her train.”
“People usually do that at stations,” Guy nodded.
“She was clutching her phone … typing frantically … it looked like something really bad had happened.”
“Ah. Well that’s unusual.”
“But then a train came. I heard someone call out when the doors opened, and she disappeared into the crowd. I thought it was her train.”
“But it was not?”
“No,” Chikage shook his head, turning around so that he could look up at Guy while his face was laid flat against the counter. “She was still there after the people dispersed. A man was holding her … it all looked so gentle, but strong at the same time … and she was holding onto him too … crying.”
“Sounds … complicated.”
“It wasn’t. He told her everything was fine and she shouldn’t give up just because one agency rejected her. He said they should go home … she was still holding his hand when they left on the next train.”
“I see.”
“I would like to know how that feels,” Chikage mumbled, his voice full to the brim with indescribable yearning.
“... failing an audition?”
“Throwing myself into your arms.”
“Ah.”
Guy’s face turned red, and Chikage’s thoughts turned to kissing him, as they so often did. But he knew that if he tried, at a certain proximity, something in his mind would click and Guy would be left with a bloody lip, or worse.
In fact, his only solace in starting a romantic relationship with Guy lay in the fact that if something went wrong, if he completely lost control … Chikage knew Guy had the strength to stop him.
But what if he stopped him before things went wrong?
“... does it really defeat the purpose … if it’s something we both know we want … why wouldn’t you just force my body to trust you?”
“I do not like the idea of force being used on the person I love.”
“... I understand.”
“But if it matters to you, I will think about it.”
Guy still had his glass in his hands; he wasn’t in the habit of throwing them when he got drunk and frustrated. Chikage reached out, touching the other side and waiting for the cold beneath his fingers to dissipate.
That was the point of equilibrium, where his and Guy’s warmth were one.
That was as much as Chikage could take.
But Guy repeated that he loved him nonetheless.
And some weeks later, not knowing where else to turn, he nonchalantly asked Azuma for a favor.
The kind of favor he was sure Azuma could fulfill at the insignificant price of a knowing look and a few stifled laughs.
“Rope? Fufu, I know Chikage likes things spicy, but I didn’t think it went that far!”
“Yes.”
“You really are brave, fufu. I’m not sure I’d let him tie me up!”
“Yes.”
Lying by omission and leading Azuma on, especially after he happily agreed to help, wasn’t a nice thing. But the more assumptions Guy let go unchallenged, the fewer people had any idea of what Chikage was struggling with. And he already agonized enough over sharing that with just one person, so Guy figured any more than that would be too much.
And besides, it did not concern anyone else … all the ways in which Chikage was delicately difficult to love.
“We can still go somewhere else if you’d like,” he reminded Chikage at the door of their hotel room, seeing all too well how his body already tensed up.
“No. It’s fine,” Chikage answered, firmly stepping into the room and waiting for Guy to lock the door behind them. “... it’s just … one bed. I’m not used to it.”
“There will be a lot of what you aren’t used to tonight.”
“I know,” Chikage nodded as their eyes met. “... it’s one of those moments again, you know?”
“What moments?”
“When I wish I could be there,” Chikage gestured towards Guy’s chest. “... and everything would disappear. It seems like such a calming thing … the embrace of a loved one …”
“I think so too.”
“And here I am stressing and making everything worse.”
“Nothing about the time I share with you could be described as worse.”
“... you’re sweet,” Chikage mumbled, taking off his shoes and sitting on the edge of the bed. “I always thought that was funny, cause I don’t really like sweet things that much. But I like you.”
“I like you too. Would you want to have a drink?”
“... I don’t know.”
“Would you like to sit and talk for a while?”
“Mhm.”
Guy joined him on the bed, sitting a proper distance away, talking about his day, the customers that came by, the drinks he made for them, the-
“The stuff you got from Yukishiro, is it safe?“
It was unusual for Chikage to butt in like that. He was a great listener, and he loved to listen. Guy looked at him with a calming smile, but he could tell: Chikage was nervous. Really nervous.
“He said it’s the best. Very comfortable, and easily cut with a knife.”
“You have one, I assume?”
“Here,” Guy reached into his pocket, handing Chikage the blade. “If you tell me to stop, I will get you untied immediately. I promise.”
“Mhm … but, Guy …”
“Yes?”
Chikage’s body tensed even further, his fingers scrunching up the bedsheets at the edge.
“Guy … promise you won’t stop unless I actually tell you to. With words.”
“So nothing else-”
“No. Nothing else. Even if I end up trying to kill you.”
“Well, you will be tied up, so I do not think that will be a problem. But alright. I understand.”
“... you know what you’re doing then?”
“I studied.”
“Okay. Let’s do it. I trust you,” Chikage smiled, watching as Guy stood up to fetch his bag. “And soon, you will too,” he mumbled under his breath, his fingers digging into the chest of this body that betrayed him so.
“Where would you want me to start?”
“... arms, I think,” Chikage sighed, climbing onto the bed and sitting in the middle like a lost little lamb.
“Alright. And if you need me to pause for a bit-”
“I’ll tell you,” Chikage nodded, bracing himself as Guy joined him on the bed with several neatly tied lengths of black rope.
“But tell me other things you are feeling as well.”
“Like?”
“Anything. I think it would be worse for you to stay quiet.”
“... you’re right. So here, my arm,” Chikage forced himself to smile as he slid one arm closer to Guy.
“Thank you,” Guy carefully leaned over it, slipping the rope beneath and above while doing his best to avoid any direct touch.
“... it’s soft,” Chikage mumbled, surprised.
“Yes. It’s supposed to be like that.”
“Definitely not the kind of tying up I’m used to,” Chikage chuckled, inhaling sharply as the first noose tightened around his bicep.
“How tight do you want it?”
“As tight as you can so that I won’t be able to move.”
“I think more knots would do a better job at that, so it will take a while.”
“That’s okay.”
“The first one? It’s okay? You’re alright with this?”
“... not really,” Chikage reluctantly confessed. “I thought this would be the easy part, but … even just this … I mean, you can tell this rope was made for art. For love. It’s uncomfortable.”
“Should I stop?”
“No. Continue.”
“Okay.”
In careful silence, Guy formed a string of knots up to Chikage’s wrist and across his palm before securing his arm to the bedpost, careful not to stretch or tear the sleeve of Chikage’s shirt in the process.
“God. Something just brushing up against my hand like that, aagh … ew,” Chikage grimaced, fighting against the impulse of twisting his body away.
“Would you like me to move the rope off of your palm?”
“No. No, no, no, I’ll get used to it. Leave it.”
“Okay. The other arm next?”
“... maybe try the legs first. I’m worried I’ll kick you otherwise.”
“Okay,” Guy nodded, moving towards the other end of the bed. “How high up do you want me to start?”
“Do we have enough rope for everything?”
“More than.”
“Good,” Chikage sighed, urging his body to relax. “Then start as high as you can.”
“I will. Lift your leg for me a bit, please.”
Chikage did as he was asked, closing his eyes in the hopes that it would make things easier. Maybe if he just imagined that he’d been captured, that he had no say in the matter … he’d be less inclined to freak out. But it was impossible: everything, from the softness of the rope to the gentleness with which Guy tied it … everything screamed to Chikage that this was happening because he was loved.
Desired, even.
And he wanted nothing more than to accept that desire, yet everything within him told him to refuse. That there was only demise to gain from trust. That soft gestures brought about only the most nefarious of harms. That he should run, because something was being done to him that he would never, ever be deserving of … so it couldn’t have been real.
Except that Chikage knew it was real. Guy was right there when he opened his eyes. Chikage could see him.
Why couldn’t his body see him too? Why did it have to be blinded beyond reason?
Well.
It didn’t matter anymore.
Chikage would tear its eyes open tonight, for better or …
“Guy, stop.”
Immediately, Guy let go of the rope he was just about to tie to the second bedpost, and reached for the knife.
“No! Not like that, I meant … just for a bit.”
“Ah. Okay,” Guy nodded, putting the knife back down and sitting next to Chikage’s tied-up leg. “What is it?”
“I just had a thought about … about, uh … what if it doesn’t work?” Chikage asked quietly, averting his eyes. “What if after this, I get worse?”
“If you do not want to risk that, I suppose we should not do it.”
That was technically true. Chikage understood risk management very well, of course he knew that was true. And he would hate, no, detest, no, loathe himself even more than he already does if he somehow achieved the opposite of what he wanted, if he ended up fearing Guy’s touch even more after this.
It wasn’t something he’d normally ever want to risk.
But the rewards on the other side … ah.
What if he could hold Guy’s hand for the first time?
What if he could have his first kiss with the man he loved more than anything?
What if he could be embraced and submerged entirely in Guy’s love?
How could he not pay any price for those things?
“... if I couldn’t even be in the same room with you after this … Guy, what would you do?”
“I don’t know … would you still want to be with me?”
“Yes! Always!”
“Then I would talk to you from the other side of a door, or behind a corner,” Guy concluded.
“You wouldn’t … leave me?”
“No.”
“But a relationship like that would be absurd. Why wouldn’t you leave?”
“It would not be absurd,” Guy protested. “And I would have no reason to leave you if you still wanted a relationship with me … well, unless you did something unkind to someone I care about, or something like that. Then I don’t think I could love you anymore.”
“... I feel like I’ve been plenty unkind to you,” Chikage bit his lip, looking away as tears welled up in his eyes.
“Having boundaries is not unkind,” Guy shook his head.
“But-”
“In fact, it is so very kind and loving of you to share them with me in such detail, so that I am able to love you in a way that makes you feel safe.”
“... Guy …”
“Chikage, I’ve always been so happy when you told me no . Truly, I was. Because each time, you were protecting us both, protecting yourself from being hurt, and me from hurting you, when I wouldn’t have been able to avoid doing so otherwise … you told me everything I needed to know so I could avoid ever hurting you. Thank you.”
“Ah … hahaha … hey, can you put this in that perfect memory of yours?”
“I can, uh, take note to remember it, yes?” Guy nodded, caught off guard by Chikage’s expression suddenly softening.
“Good. And next time you’re drunk and asking how you can be so lucky and why do I love you, remember it. That’s why I love you.”
“Will do,” Guy nodded, feeling himself blush.
“And finish up that leg too.”
“I can continue?”
“Yes.”
With Chikage’s leg firmly tied to the other bedpost, half of him was now incapacitated. But alongside a sense of dread and panic, a whole different kind of emotion was beginning to swell up in his chest too.
“What should I do next?”
“The other leg,” Chikage didn’t hesitate for a moment. “Most of it is further away than I can reach to slap you, you’ll be the safest that way.”
“Okay.”
“... but it’s … really settling in now … that I’m completely at your mercy.”
“How does it feel?” Guy asked, taking the rope and himself to the other side of the bed.
“Ha … are you asking me, or my body?”
“Both.”
“... well on a physical level, I hate it,” Chikage answered quietly. “I feel like throwing up and like I won’t be clean until all of this is washed off with blood.”
“Okay,” Guy nodded, his face barely twitching at the news of bloodlust in Chikage’s veins.
Yes, it was extremely uncomfortable listening to your lover tell you that they wished to wash away your presence with violence and blood. It hurt too, in some ways. Especially if Guy considered that in another life, in another time, he could’ve been with someone else without such inhibitions.
Except that wasn’t true.
He had never, not once in his life, pictured himself with anyone other than Chikage.
There was no one else. Only another life, another time, in which Chikage would have been a free man.
A happier man.
That was what Guy fantasized about, if left alone for too long. What he dreamed of whenever Chikage confided in him with something that hurt: either Guy, or himself, or both.
“But other than that,” Chikage quickly continued, not wanting to leave Guy in the suspense he knew such statements would put him in, despite how little of it showed on his face. “Other than that … Guy, I … I think I’m … excited?”
“Excited?”
“Mhm. Like I know this was the whole reason we did this, but it’s really sinking in that … that it won’t matter.”
“Yes.”
“I’ll be yours and nothing my body does to the contrary will matter. It’s exciting.”
“That is nice.”
“And you? Are you excited, Guy?”
A knot tightened across Chikage’s knee, forcing him to straighten his leg out.
“... extremely,” Guy confessed, his cheeks once again dark red.
“I can tell,” Chikage grinned, leaning his head back and closing his eyes, hoping to burn Guy’s expression into his memory forever.
Soon, he felt slight tension on his leg, and when he tried to pull back, there was no leeway left to do so. But once he willed his body to relax, as he had done twice before already, the restraint of the rope suddenly disappeared, and all that was left was a comforting feeling of Guy’s work engulfing three of his four limbs.
“Wait …” he opened his eyes as soon as he felt rope touching his other arm.
“I apologize,” Guy pulled back. “I should have asked-”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Chikage softly reassured him. “I just … wanted to …” he drifted off mid-sentence, lifting his hand toward Guy’s face and stopping just short of where he wanted to go.
“Chikage …”
“Damn it,” Chikage bit his lip, his face twisting into something between anger and disappointment. “I can’t. I really can’t.”
“Would you like me to help you?”
“You know how that’ll go …”
“Yes.”
“... I’m sorry.”
Guy bridged the gap, leaning into the warmth of Chikage’s open palm.
And a mere moment later, despite how much Chikage internally shouted and begged and pleaded with himself, that open palm turned into a fist, swinging and smashing into Guy’s jaw.
“Aaah … aaa … Guy … Guy … Guy!!”
“It’s alright,” Guy assured him, one of his cheeks red from the touch and the other from the impact.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m-”
“It was worthwhile,” Guy insisted. “I wish to thank you for it.”
“I hoped maybe you would’ve stopped me …” Chikage exhaled slowly, tension leaving his muscles as a feeling of betrayal set in instead.
“I could have. But this way, I felt your touch twice.”
“Gyah … I wonder if you’re like, a masochist or something …”
“Would this escapade not make you the more likely candidate?”
“Haha. Maybe it’s both of us,” Chikage conceded, offering his free arm to Guy. “Now hurry up … make me into something that can’t hurt you.”
“Okay.”
The same series of knots followed as on his other arm. Maybe Chikage was imagining it, but they felt a bit tighter than the others. Was it because he was still tense? Or did Guy take extra precautions because he was afraid?
Chikage would understand. It wasn’t even the first time he’d struck his lover like that. He truly would understand if Guy was on edge merely from being in his presence.
But he would hate it too.
Because he knew what that felt like.
He knew what it meant to live in a constant struggle between desiring someone and perceiving them as a threat. But at least for him, the two were separated between his mind and body. For Guy … if he came to fear Chikage, that fear would be housed in the same mind that loved him.
Chikage didn’t want to think what that would do to a feeling as delicate as love.
He didn’t want to think about how close he was … each time he tempted fate and failed, each time he lost control … how close he must have been to tarnishing Guy’s feelings for him, if not shattering them to pieces outright.
And yet, each time, Guy looked at him as if he loved him even more than before.
Chikage didn’t know what he’d done to deserve him. Never did, and probably never would.
Guy only ever told him that he found it comforting … having someone else speak to him in Zafran once he came to Japan. But if that were so, Chikage couldn’t understand how love could have sprouted from something like that: a mere trifle of amusement, a show of Chikage’s skills, a mirage of a memory that wasn’t even Guy’s true home, and neither was Chikage anything resembling comfort nor home, and yet …
“Utsuki-san. If someone were to confess their feelings to you, which language would you like that to be done in?”
Back then, Chikage got startled and said it didn’t matter. But he was glad Guy chose Japanese on his own, because all things considered … Chikage didn’t think he knew the words for “I am infatuated with you from the depths of my soul, pardon me for I do not know how these feelings have snuck upon me but alas, they are here and they persist” in Zafran.
“Guy … why do you love me?” Chikage asked, looking up at Guy as he was meticulously forming the knots around his forearm.
“Were you not scolding me earlier for my own repetitiveness of the same question?”
“Yes. Because it is nonsense for you to ask it, a better question would be how some people don’t lose the ground beneath their feet when you pass them by.”
“Thank you. But it is nonsense for you to ask it as well.”
“... Guy, I could really use the reassurance right now,” Chikage explained after a moment of silence.
“Ah. Excuse me, I misunderstood,” Guy immediately took his eyes off of the rope, and sought out Chikage’s needy gaze. “I thought you were engaging in some lighthearted banter, I apologize.”
“It’s alright …”
“I love you because you protected everything that mattered to me. And then gave me new things that mattered too.”
“But everyone … all of us did that …”
“Only you teased me in Zafran though.”
“Guy …”
“Only you brought laughter and jokes and everyday moments into a language that only ever spoke to me in commands and orders before. Everyone else made my future human, but with you … it felt like my past was, too.”
“You have such low standards,” Chikage muttered, holding back tears. “And you would have been so easy to manipulate, with how fragile you were …”
“Did you manipulate me?”
“... it may have been a game to me at some point,” Chikage sighed. “But I couldn’t tell you when the novelty of practicing a language stopped and my feelings for you began.”
“I shall take that as a no.”
“I’d hope so.”
“But even if it were a definitive yes … Chikage, I am so happy with you, I would not have cared.”
“H-Hey now … that’s not good for you, you know?”
“I know,” Guy nodded. “But I love you so deeply, I would assume some flaws would be permitted to a human wrought with such intense feelings.”
“Could you please be flawed in ways that aren’t a liability? I would hate to see you get hurt.”
“I will not be hurt,” Guy smiled with certainty as he returned his attention to the rope. “I will stay with you for all eternity, and you would never hurt me.”
“Mhm. That sounds good,” Chikage nodded, taking a deep breath as his last degree of freedom was tied to the final bedpost.
“So …”
“Guy.”
“Yes?”
“Can you do my torso as well?”
“You, uh … why?” Guy asked, confused as he glanced at Chikage’s chest. “I do not think that would be dangerous to me.”
“I know …” Chikage quietly agreed. “But …”
“Take your time,” Guy smiled, running his fingers across the sheets close to Chikage’s face.
“... Guy … I feel safe.”
“Hm?”
“Tied down like this, with nowhere to run, I … I feel safe. I want it to envelop me completely.”
“Okay. But I am not sure how … I mean, even if you arch your back up, doing this after everything else … would it be alright for me to untie your arms and have you sit up?”
“Yes, Chikage nodded.”
“Good. Otherwise I would have to touch you to get the rope across beneath you,” Guy explained as he untied the knot he just made, and then did the same on the other side to free Chikage’s arms.
And then he once again carefully dressed his body in even more rope, tying a knot across each shoulder blade and Chikage’s lower back, connecting them across his sides to his abdomen and chest before joining the rope to his arms and legs, and securing him to all four bedposts again.
It was a work of art that Guy would happily marvel at, if it weren’t for the biggest marvel being underneath the rope actually.
“Are you comfortable?” He asked, sitting on the edge of the bed beside Chikage.
“Yes.”
“Do you still feel safe?”
“Yes.”
“And your body?”
“... overwhelmed, I think.”
“Is that good?”
“I think so.”
“Good. So … what would you like to do, Chikage?”
“Ah … hmm …”
He took a deep breath, the rope on his chest almost immediately restraining him. Ah … it felt … it felt … it felt like something he could definitely feel. He exhaled and inhaled again, faster this time, the fabric of his shirt rustling about as the rope pressed into his skin again, and again, and again. Was he hyperventilating already? Or was he chasing this feeling of resistance, of being pushed and pulled back into place, of being reminded with every shudder of his muscles that transgressions like the punch he threw at Guy earlier were no longer allowed here … damn it, he couldn’t tell.
But he hoped his body was listening. Because the rope binding him, the crawling pressure all over his body which he couldn’t escape … that was Guy’s touch already. His love and care, practically embedded into Chikage’s very being, in a way his body couldn’t resist or fight back to.
See? It’s all right here, and I didn’t let you say no. I won’t let you say no anymore. Not to us.
“Chikage?”
“Sorry, I … got distracted,” Chikage snapped out of his inner monologue with himself, and returned to the thoughts of Guy’s impending touch.
“It’s alright.”
“I think … I think maybe, somewhere over my clothes would be a good start. Like my chest or stomach … but all the vital organs are there, so on second thought, maybe not. Maybe … ah, sorry, I’m scattered all over, I’m sorry!”
“Chikage, it’s alright. Please take your time.”
“Mhm … hmm … Guy, would you touch my shoulder, please?”
“I would love to,” Guy smiled, lying down next to him.
“Okay. I’m gonna close my eyes,” Chikage announced as he shut his eyelids tight. “Please don’t get scared if I wince or jolt or- ah! Aaaa … aaaah … haaa … huh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay-”
He definitely was hyperventilating now.
It was just the tips of Guy’s fingers brushing up against a crease on his sleeve too. Nothing more than that, and already … fuck. God fucking damn it, Chikage loathed himself beyond belief.
“Chikage … tell me what you’re thinking,” Guy quietly encouraged him, keeping his hand right where it was when Chikage first reacted to it: not quite touching him, not quite not touching him either.
“No I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Chikage hissed through his teeth, trying and failing to control his breathing.
“Why?”
“It’s horrible stuff.”
“Then it should be bottled inside you even less. Let me carry it for you.”
“If I start I’ll be screaming.”
“I chose this place specifically because of the soundproofing,” Guy assured him.
It was hard for Chikage to resist his assurances for long, if at all.
And so he screamed.
Something about getting away, and wanting Guy dead.
Because no one would touch him like that out of love.
They would do it to harm him.
So he should be afraid.
He should kill them before they get to him.
And so he screamed, and cried alongside it, because what kind of monster wishes death to the person they love the most, what kind of weak mind listens to these bygone impulses without being able to tell for itself who is and isn’t a threat, what kind of worthless garbage excuse for a human being loses all sanity so easily …
… and what absolute saint stays beside them through it all, with the same love in his eyes?
“Guy … Guy … Guy, forgive me, please, please, I beg you, Guy-”
“Shhh. I’ve nothing to forgive you. You are doing great, Chikage.”
“You are not human, you are a god,” he blurted out, his outburst reduced to quiet, irregular sobs as his eyes settled on Guy’s face for some solace, now that he could look at him again.
“I would prefer to be human. I think some of what you just shouted would be a little too indecent for a god to tolerate, so please … just let me be human.”
“Mhm. Yeah. Okay.”
“Would you like to stop here?”
“No. You haven’t even touched me yet. Please continue,” Chikage closed his eyes again.
“Okay. I will touch your shoulder right here now … like this …”
Another scream.
“Chikage …”
“Damn it! Damn it! I hate this! Get away from me! Get away, get away, get away, get - aaaaaghh!!!”
“Chikage …”
“Guy … Guy …. get away … ew … ewww … ugh … Guy … Guy, are you still touching me?”
“I am. Right here,” Guy gently squeezed his shoulder.
“Okay please just … stay … ughhh … I’m trying … just stay … aaaah … ugh …”
Guy held him. Guy held him. Guy held him . For the longest he’d ever done so.
No matter how much Chikage’s body convulsed, it couldn’t get away.
With each gasp for air he took, he could feel it growing more and more tired.
There was a limit to how much flailing around his body could sustain in one go.
But no limit on how much he wanted Guy.
So in absence of freedom to act against his own self-interest, the latter eventually won.
“Guy … Guy … are you still touching me?”
“Yes,” Guy nodded again. “In fact, I have taken the liberty to grip you quite firmly while you strained.”
“This numb, warm feeling … it’s you …”
“Mhm. It’s me.”
“That’s … wonderful,” Chikage sighed, opening his eyes again and meeting Guy’s gaze. “You are wonderful.”
“As are you,” Guy smiled at him.
They stayed like that for a short while, Chikage catching his breath and getting lost in Guy’s eyes, and Guy struggling to steady his heartbeat at this unprecedented closeness with his lover.
“Guy … your other hand … what can you reach with it?”
“Your chest, stomach and the side of your thigh,” Guy quickly provided an analysis of his spatial capacities.
“My thigh … would you … ?”
“Of course.”
As soon as Guy’s fingers brushed up against it, Chikage’s leg jolted upwards, or at least tried to, with a force strong enough to make Chikage wonder if he’d torn the rope perhaps.
But he hadn’t.
And whereas Guy would have gotten knee-capped in any other situation, now he was just … touching Chikage in two places.
“No screaming?” He quietly asked Chikage after a while.
“I don’t think so … I’m just … really on edge right now,” Chikage mumbled, his teeth clenched again.
“You can scream if you want to.”
“It’s fine.” Chikage shook his head, his face twisting into a grimace halfway through.
“Chikage …”
“Screw this.”
“Chikage, I love you.”
“I love you too,” Chikage answered, gasping for air and struggling to make it a slow, deep inhale instead of something done in haste. “I’m sorry … I feel like all you’ll get from me tonight will be like this, but … Guy … Guy, I need you to know, beneath this, I … I’m unfolding under this warmth, and it’s … it’s the most alive I’ve ever felt …”
“Me too. Just being with you.”
“Guy … ah, Guy … okay, I think I need a moment, can you please stop touching me?”
“There you go,” Guy moved away a bit. “I’ve stopped. You are on your own now.”
“Ha … okay. I’m kinda thirsty, do we-”
“Water or alcohol?”
“I still think I want to be sober for this, give me water.”
“Okay.”
Cold glass was soon pressed against Chikage’s lips, with Guy carefully helping him drink so that nothing would get spilled.
“Thank you.”
“You are welcome,” Guy sat beside him again. “What would you like now?”
“Wanna try holding hands?”
“I’d love to. Which hand?”
“Either is fine.”
“Then I’ll stay here,” Guy climbed up on the bed, tucking his legs beneath him as he sat facing Chikage’s tied-up hand all the way up in the corner.
There were more romantic ways of going about it, that much was certain. But this was their way.
“Is there a specific way in which you would like me to approach this?” He asked, glancing over at Chikage whose eyes were closed again already.
“Just … describe what you’re doing …”
“Okay. I’m coming closer now … I’m right by the rope that runs across your palm … I will touch the rope first, is that-”
“It’s fine,” Chikage hissed.
“Okay,” Guy nodded, pausing for a while and letting Chikage catch his breath before moving again. “I will move up and down the rope a bit … it is just a single strand though, so I may accidentally brush up against your skin.”
“Haa … aaa … I think you just did.”
“Was that alright?”
“No. But continue.”
Guy made a few more passes up and down the strand of rope, slowly beginning to veer off in either direction, the pad of his finger almost completely resting against Chikage’s palm when he was asked to stop.
“Was that too much?” He asked, pulling his hand away.
“N-No … but I’ve just realized I … there’s too much movement,” Chikage sighed, wiggling his fingers.
“Is that a problem?”
“... I got the idea to claw at you, and I don’t think I’m strong enough to resist that,” Chikage admitted. “Can you tie up my fingers too?”
“I do not think so,” Guy shook his head. “That’s not what this rope is made for. And I've nowhere safe to tie them to … pressing them against this would hurt you,” he explained, touching the bedpost Chikage’s arm was tied to.
“Ah … okay,” Chikage conceded, detest and disappointment audible between his few words. “We should do something else then …”
“But you really wanted to hold hands, didn’t you?” Guy asked.”
“Y-Yeah,” Chikage nodded, tears finally falling from his eyes.
“Then I am going for it.”
“Guy-!!”
He didn’t have the time to beg him to stay away … to stay safe. Chikage felt warmth for a moment, which his body immediately increased tenfold with a wave of panic and rage, winning over Chikage’s mind and reveling in the fact that finally, finally , it could fight back, it could harm, it could punish, it could protect itself.
“Chikage … we did it!”
“N-No … Guy … I’m hurting you!”
“You are merely holding my hand very strongly,” Guy insisted.
“... is there blood?”
“A little bit,” Guy told the honest truth of how far Chikage’s nails have dug. “But it does not hurt. Please trust me. Chikage, I am so overjoyed to be able to hold your hand, no pain could ever detract from this moment being the greatest moment of my life.”
“Can I … can I … can I cry for a bit?”
“Of course.”
And so Chikage did. Sobbed, actually. Because Guy was right; they did it. They held hands. They were still holding hands, and if Chikage managed to think away the rope, the hotel room and the damage he’d done to Guy’s precious hand … they were just like any other couple walking down the street, holding onto each other.
One day, in all his optimistically misguided greed, Chikaged wanted that.
Wanted to hold Guy’s hand in completely normal, mundane, everyday circumstances.
But he knew how far away from that they were, so for now, just holding on to Guy like this was unimaginable bliss. He even managed to convince his body to release its iron grip after a while, and then he got to feel the true gentleness of such touch, the fluctuations brought along by the topology of one’s hand, the nooks and crannies between one’s fingers, the hills and valleys on one’s palm: how many instances of touching and letting go happened each moment just from the slightest of movements.
Whatever shoddy remnant of a soul still resided in a man as twisted as him, it unraveled completely through this touch, spilling out onto Guy’s palm through Chikage’s reluctance to let go.
But eventually, he did let go.
And asked Guy to clean up the blood.
And demanded to be shown that they were really just scratches before he trusted himself to hold Guy’s hand again.
The other one this time. With less harm done. And then the first one again. And the other one for the second time. And then the first one with the restraints slightly adjusted so that Guy could cup Chikage’s palm with both of his hands, and ever so carefully grace the back of it with a brisk kiss that made Chikage scream and try to slap Guy away with as little movement as he was allowed.
And after calming down again, and inspecting Guy up close for injuries again, he asked for a kiss on his other hand as well.
Guy obliged in the blink of an eye, the pace at which he advanced his touch on Chikage picking up while Chikage’s body slowed down.
By the time he felt a kiss on his other hand, all Chikage still had in him was a melancholy thought of disgust. As in, how dare he just lay there and be used like that?
Maybe that’s what he would have felt if he were to get captured and defeated. He couldn’t really know, since that had never happened - he was always victorious in the end.
But he did know that he wasn’t being used. Not at all.
He was being loved.
And Guy’s lips on his skin were something he truly desired.
“It’s funny,” he mumbled with a smile.
“What is?” Guy asked, pulling away but still firmly holding onto Chikage’s hand.
“It’s still complaining.”
“Your body?”
“Yeah.”
“What is it saying now?”
“That you’re gross, and I’m a loser.”
“That’s a rather unpleasant thought.”
“I know,” Chikage nodded. “But I know it’s a lie. I know. Because the truth is that you’re beautiful, and I’m the luckiest man alive, or dead.”
“You are not thinking of dying, are you?!”
“No,” Chikage promised him. “That was just an expression, Guy.”
“Ah … alright. I apologize for my concern.”
“Don’t. It’s cute … I like it. And I like holding hands too … I think this is the most incredible feeling I could ever imagine.”
“I agree,” Guy nodded.
“... is there anything you would like to do?”
“Hmm … I would need to think about it.”
“Take your time,” Chikage smiled, happy to return the courtesy that had been offered to him so many times.
Guy sat on the edge of the bed in silence, holding Chikage’s hand, his gaze carefully examining Chikage’s body as he searched for words to describe what he’d been wanting.
“I would like to hold you like this,” he slowly let go of Chikage’s hand to show a sweeping motion with his arm above Chikage’s chest. “Across your body, from one side to the other. And I would like to lay beside you, with our bodies pressed together, and I would like to hide my face in here,” he gestured towards the crook of Chikage’s neck.
“All at once?”
“Y-Yes.”
“... that’s a lot,” Chikage pondered, biting his lip. “But it sounds wonderful … ha, that’s as close to an embrace as we can get with me tied down like this, isn’t it?”
“I believe so,” Guy nodded. “But we don’t have to-”
“I know,” Chikage cut him off, his expression relaxed and eager again. “I know we don’t have to. We don’t have to do anything … but we’re here because we want to.”
“Yes.”
“And if that’s something you want … I want it too, Guy.”
“... how should I go about it then?”
“Hmm …”
Chikage envisioned all the ways in which Guy’s complex and elaborate desire could be assembled. None seemed particularly favorable, or easier than the others. He could feel his body growing tired, but at the same time, he had no idea how he’d react to someone reaching across his chest. That was the worst part of it all … that was how you got stabbed, not embraced.
“Guy.”
“Yes?”
“Do you think you could just … go for it?”
“Go for it?”
“Yes. Dive right in. And pin me down like a wild animal, because I will probably turn into one. And if you really wanna lay your head on my shoulder, please make it snug against my face, so that I can’t turn my head and bite you.”
“... Chikage, you really are incredible,” Guy mumbled, looking down at his lover in complete amazement.
“Huh? Why?”
“Your understanding of your own body, and the lengths to which you are willing to go to manage it … they are incredible, Chikage.”
“... thank you …”
It felt good, somehow … being complimented for something he resented having to do. If it was Guy giving him that compliment, it felt good, and it overshadowed all the hate Chikage harbored for it.
“So you would like me to dive right in?”
“Yes, please.”
And so Guy did. He moved his body over to Chikage’s side, reached across his chest to hold onto him, and buried his face in the nape of his neck, his face firmly resting against the side of Chikage’s head.
He was thankful for all their conversations in that moment: they were the only thing reminding him that this was right. Because it didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel like what Guy had ever imagined love feeling like … to hold someone down against their body’s will, against all the force their body was exerting to try and push them away, against the clattering of jaws and curses uttered through clenched teeth … it felt wrong.
It felt like he shouldn’t be doing this.
It felt like he was taking something that Chikage wasn’t happy to give.
But he remembered the beginning of the night, he remembered Chikage pleading with him to not stop unless he tells him so, and Guy knew he could trust him after already being told to stop several times tonight, so …
He overruled his own senses, and did what Chikage asked him to.
It was a necessity of loving a man as complex as him after all. The ability to discern between him and his demons speaking, between words that should be taken to heart and words that should be disregarded, for they were nothing but poison forced into Chikage against his will. And if there was anything in their relationship that Guy was often completely worn down by, it wasn’t the lack of closeness or touch but rather having to live with the knowledge that at any given moment, if Chikage’s words fail him, if Guy becomes unable to discern their proper weight and meaning … he could hurt the person he loved the most.
So he listened to everything Chikage ever said, and how he said it.
He analyzed the pace and tone and intonation and vocabulary and punctuation in his mind over and over again, to ensure there wouldn’t be a mistake.
To ensure he could always tell what was truth, and what was trauma.
Even when something was both of those things at once.
Like the fact that Chikage wanted to be with him: wanted to hold him, wanted to touch him. That was the truth. But it was equally true that Chikage - or as he would insist, his body - didn’t want those things. And Guy felt like Chikage fostered a separation between the two that even he, who used to think he was an android, couldn’t really comprehend. But it certainly seemed that Chikage, the man who loved him, was trapped in the body of another Chikage, who couldn’t love nor be loved by anyone.
And they were at war.
Had been even before Guy made his confession, because even the friendly affections of their fellow actors, even the feeling of home - even those things were too much for Chikage’s body to accept.
But they were things that Chikage, living inside that body, desperately yearned for.
Guy’s love too. Guy could see it in Chikage’s every breath, how much he yearned for it.
Hence the war, and the insistence to keep the two separate, and the desperate measures when the body still got in the way despite the mind’s best efforts.
But what was the end goal there? Guy worried sometimes that it could be death. How else would one defeat a body, if not with its own end?
However, at times like these … when he got to see so intimately up close all the weapons in Chikage’s arsenal with which he waged this war … he worried a bit less. Because beyond the destruction … beyond the separation, there was dialogue too. And something resembling a strategy for how to rebuild things. And a vague hope of healing.
Indeed, Chikage didn’t want to destroy his body.
The war wasn’t against it, it was for it: to win it over, to regain control, to fix it.
And once Chikage would emerge victorious, once his body would truly speak for him, Guy would be more than happy to listen. But until that conquest succeeded … these were just lies.
All of them.
Every word about how he wasn’t wanted, how he would be punished, how he should get away.
“... Guy … I’m sorry …”
“Welcome back,” Guy smiled, moving his head just a little so that he could look up at his lover. “How are you feeling?“
“Numb.”
“I see.”
“But also … so … so loved! Guy … Guy, it’s like holding hands for my whole body!”
“It is, isn’t it …” Guy nodded, taking a deep breath as he closed his eyes.
The mental exhaustion was getting to him already - he couldn’t even imagine just how much more tired Chikage must have been.
“Guy, are you really okay?”
“Yes. I was just thinking things over again to make sure I did what you wanted.”
“... you’re always perfect at that,” Chikage complimented him quietly.
“Thank you.”
“Guy.”
“Yes?”
“Can you imagine … us holding hands on the street one day?”
“I’ve imagined it many times,” Guy nodded. “As my own personal fantasy. But I can see you turning it into a reality … I really can.”
“I’ll do my best … I promise.”
“I believe in you,” Guy whispered into his ear, nuzzling even closer now that Chikage’s body wasn’t actively revolting against him anymore.
They remained like that for a long while, enjoying each other’s presence in silence.
“Chikage … is there anything else you would like to do?”
“... think we could fall asleep like this?”
“No. Yukishiro was very clear on that.”
“Ah … that’s unfortunate.”
“Would you like to be untied?”
“No.”
“But would you like to sleep?”
“... yes.”
“Then I will untie you,” Guy decided on Chikage’s behalf, slowly pulling away.
“Did I do enough today?” Chikage asked, wistfully following Guy’s movements with his gaze.
“I do not think I understand the question.”
“Did you get what you wanted from this?”
“Of course. I was with you,” Guy smiled. “Did you get what you wanted?”
“... I think in some fantasy, I would have gotten over everything on the first try,” Chikage admitted, stretching his arm as Guy untied it. “But that was just wishful thinking, wasn’t it …”
“With how exhausting something like this can be, I would deem it so, yes,” Guy agreed, moving on to Chikage’s legs.
“But I also think … I also think it was enough? Guy, I really wanted to hold your hand … to be embraced by you … and I got both, it’s like a dream!”
“Make sure you don’t get too excited when you wake up,” Guy laughed, stepping off the bed to release Chikage’s other arm and leave him to take the rope off his body himself. “I think I’ll be sleeping down here, so try not to step on me.”
“... the floor?” Chikage asked, wiggling out of Guy’s knots.
“Yes.”
“... Guy …”
“Yes?”
“Guy, can we try just one more thing?”
“What is it?”
Chikage took a deep breath, tossing away the rope and Guy’s knife, which seemed to have been on standby in arm’s reach this whole time.
“Guy. I will lie down like I was before. I want you to do the same.”
“... without the restraints?”
“Yes.”
“Well alright,” Guy shrugged, taking a deep breath as he sat down on the edge of the bed, leaning over Chikage. “Same approach as before?”
“Actually … try being slower. More gradual. But still very firm, more firm than before, if possible.”
“Will do,” Chikage nodded. “And if I end up getting suffocated … Chikage, please know you’ve been the light of my life since the moment you walked into it.”
“Oi, oi! Guy, don’t hand out a funeral speech like that,” Chikage stared up at him. “If I try to hurt you, I fully expect you to suplex me through the bed and into the room below us, got it?”
“... that far?”
“I’m not kidding,” Chikage insisted. “Do not let me harm you. Please. Promise you’ll stop me from doing something I won’t be able to forgive myself for.”
“I promise,” Guy nodded. “I won’t let you lay a finger on me.”
“Okay. Good. Go ahead then.”
Slowly, Guy’s arm moved across Chikage’s chest, hovering safely above him. He moved closer to his side, leaning over his shoulder, their eyes meeting for just a moment, just one last glance to confirm it was what Chikage truly wanted.
Then, Guy’s arm came down, his body pressed into Chikage’s side, his head found its resting place in Chikage’s shoulder, and Chikage screamed.
It wasn’t as angry as before. More like a cry for help, or a declaration of battle as his mind struggled against the instincts of his body.
“Guy …”
“Tell me if I should move.”
“No, Guy … Guy, I have a problem …”
“What is it?”
“I think I’m being tricked,” Chikage mumbled, his whole body vibrating as he struggled to control it.
By all accounts, he was supposed to be protecting Guy from his own instincts trying to kill him. And he could feel the pull, just like he’d expected, and he wrestled with it just as valiantly as he would with all the restraints there to support him, but-
Amidst that very clear-cut struggle, an unfamiliar thought appeared.
No, a familiar thought. But an unfamiliar desire for his body.
“Chikage? What is it?”
“... Guy … Guy, I will move my arms toward you … promise me …”
“I will not allow you to harm me,” Guy answered him, adding more weight onto his chest.
And that was all Chikage needed to let go, to let his hands fly towards Guy like arrows hurling towards their destiny on the battlefield.
“Guy … Guy, are you okay?”
“I am.”
“What … what just happened?”
“Chikage, I think … I think you embraced me,” Guy offered his observations, as unbelievable as they seemed. “Either that, or you are attempting the world’s crappiest murder.”
“... I think we really … did something,” Chikage exhaled, all tension leaving his body at once.
All but the miniscule amount of pull needed to hold onto Guy in his arms.
“Evidently something has changed,” Guy agreed.
“... what if we … fixed me?”
“Or maybe we exhausted you past the point of fighting,” Guy smiled, nudging closer to Chikage and enjoying this unexpected embrace as much as he could.
“You … you … think?”
“I will see in the morning, I suppose.”
In the morning, Guy woke up to a fist in the face and a heel in his stomach promptly shoving him off the bed, so that was that question answered.
But.
Something did change.
Because the next thing Guy saw was a wide-eyed Chikage crawling to the edge of the bed, and drowning in apologies as he half stepped, half fell off the bed and tumbled into Guy’s arms, and just as Guy was about to fulfill his promise of sending Chikage to the floor below … he realized he wasn’t being attacked at all.
He was being cared for.
Chikage, with his hands full of where he’d bruised Guy just moments earlier, seemingly hasn’t realized yet that he was sitting in Guy’s lap, cupping his face.
Guy thought maybe he’d get clobbered again after he realizes it, but no such thing happened. Just a soft sigh, and Chikage freezing in his arms for a brief moment before he started crying, and clutched onto Guy even more.
“Guy … l-look!”
“I am seeing,” Guy nodded, carefully slipping his arms around Chikage’s back.
“Guy!“
“I know.”
“Guy, I am holding you!”
“I know.”
“And you are holding me!”
“I am.”
“This is … oh god, this is … I don’t understand …”
“Me neither,” Guy sighed, resting his head on Chikage’s shoulder. “So if I am a bit apprehensive, it is because of that. You seem to be in a somewhat … unstable state.”
“That’s bad, isn’t it … I don’t understand … why is this okay, but it wasn’t when I woke up, I … I don’t get it.”
“I think we will figure it out over time,” Guy encouraged him.
“But what about before then?”
“What about it?”
“How will you … if we can’t know what’s safe … what will you do?”
“Well. There are two options,” Guy concluded. “I can keep my distance like I did before, or I can let you reach out to me however you wish.”
“... and what if I lose it while clinging onto you?”
“I get a bloody nose, and you get suplexed through the floor below. I think, at least. Would that be acceptable?”
“It would. But I will try to restrain myself too … so I don’t end up causing too much trouble.”
“Don’t,” Guy smiled.
“Guy?”
“Don’t bother holding back. You’ve wanted this for long enough, haven’t you? Even the smallest chance of touch that does not go to hell in the blink of an eye …”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it looks like we found it. So use it as much as you want, Chikage. And leave the restraints to me, alright?” Guy grinned as he picked up the rope Chikage threw off of him last night.
“You wanna do it again?” Chikage asked, his face lighting up.
“Of course.”
“It wasn’t too horrible for you?”
“No. Not at all.”
It wasn’t horrible. Difficult, sure. Confusing and perhaps painful too. But not horrible. Not at all.
There was nothing horrible about listening to the man he loved, and helping him win his own battles on his own terms.
Nothing horrible about being an accessory to a revolution.
Nothing horrible about being the catalyst of a revelation either.
Because even with his demons conquered … Chikage still liked to be kept.
Safe.
Hidden
In the dark.
On a very short leash.
