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Harry Potter and the Last Laugh
It was a dreary and rainy evening as notable Playboy Billionaire Harry Potter read quietly in his study. The calm was too short though when a large, red phone started to go off with a jolting alarm. His trusted butler and father figure, Dobby, calmly went to answer it.
“You’ve reached the Batman residence, how may I direct your call?” Dobby asked into the phone.
“Holy Self-Loving Lockhart, Batman!” Came a shout from Harry’s young ward Ronald Weasley. “What’s the Emergency?”
“It seems that the Joker is up to trouble again.” Dobby told them as he hung up the phone.
“Come on then Robin, to the Batcave!” Harry exclaimed. Together, he and young Ron ran through what seemed like a brick wall, but came out the other side in their costumes.
Ron had adorned his green Boss Babe body suit and over shirt that was red with a large yellow R on his chest that stood for his code name Robin, not his real name Ron as many thought. He also had black Peter-pan style shoes, a black and gold utility belt, a yellow cape, and green gloves. And of course was his black domino mask he used for his secret identity, pleasantly ignorant to the fact that his hand me down costume and red hair showed all the villains he was from the Weasley family.
Harry transformed himself as well into the fearsome Batman. He had a black armor-like suit that had an embossed stylized bat on his chest and on his matching metallic utility belt. He wore a black cowl that had a cutout for his eyes and lightning bolt scar. He had black gloves and a black cape, and he had originally had nipples added to his costume so they would not chafe, but he had turned them into lightning bolt nipple guards to match his famous scar.
“Hurry it up you two.” Came a voice from behind a computer. “The Joker’s raiding a warehouse on Gotham’s east river.”
“You got it, Oracle.” Harry said. In the batcave they all had to refer to themselves as their alter egos, even their genius friend Hermione Granger. She had once been Batgirl, but had been Crucioed in the back by the Joker and could no longer walk. “To the Batbrooms!”
He and Robin raced to their brooms, two Nimbus 2000 models that had been outfitted to match their costumes. They quickly flew from the cave like a bat and a robin that was also in a cave, racing to foil the Joker’s plan.
MEANWHILE
“Hahaha!” The Joker laughed with glee as his henchmen tied up all the warehouse employees. “And that’s not even the punchline!”
“What’s the punchline?” A terrified guard asked.
“Me.” Came a female voice as a woman dressed in a purple and black outfit came into view.
“Everyone meet Punchline.” The Joker introduced. “She’s a blast!”
Right as he said that a large explosion came from the back end of the warehouse. Loads more henchmen came in and started to grab crates, heading toward a large boat that pulled up to the dock outside.
The Joker laughed as hard as he could as he waltzed over to one of the crates and smacked it open with a crowbar. He kicked it over to reveal a large crate of green apples. Picking one up, he took a big bite.
“Drapples, my favorite!” He exclaimed.
“I’ve always been more of a Dramione fan myself.” Came a deep voice from the shadows.
“Oh look,” the Joker sneered. “The famous Orphan and his poor friend.”
“Holy one joke, Batman!” Robin appeared beside him. “They pale in comparison to even his face.”
The joker sneered as he turned to his henchmen.
“Bater up boys, get him!” He told them. Several henchmen grabbed their own brooms to fly at the duo.
“Oh no!” Robin exclaimed. “They have Nimbus 2001s!”
“Only the newest model!” The joker laughed as the duo got on their own broom and flew around the warehouse to avoid them.
Without warning, a comically large hand smacked the joker against a wall.
“Need a hand?” Came a dreamy voice as two females appeared.
“Thank you for the back up Harley and Ivy!” Batman shouted as the blond and redheaded girls started to take down the henchmen. Luna had had the mantle of Harley Quinn for a while now and Ginny, who was Ron’s sister, had become Poison Ivy.
“We heard the Joker was trying to steal the entire tri-state area’s supply of apples!” Ivy said “We couldn’t allow that.”
Harry needed to figure out an out for him and Ron. He fished around in his utility belt and took out a spray can.
“Expelliarmus!” He shouted as he sprayed the henchmen flying behind them. They were blasted back.
“I don’t think that spell can did that.” Robin exclaimed as they landed. Ivy had wrapped then ship in seaweed and the four of them made quick work with the henchmen.
“Time’s up, blonde.” Punchline stated as she and Harley started to spar.
“Nargels must have stollen your brains if you’re working with Draco.” Harley stated simply, clearly in control. “But you always did follow him around Pansy.”
“It’s Punchline.” she gritted, desperately trying to dodge her advance.
“I guess it is.” Harley chuckled as she got a good hit right to her nose, knocking her down.
“Great job dear.” Ginny gave her a quick kiss to the temple.
“You’re surround Draco.” Batman said calmly as the heroes turned to the last one standing.
“It’s Joker!” He stomped his foot. “My father bought me the rights to the name!”
“Well whatever name you have, you’re done.” And Harry hit him with his Batwand.
And yet another day was saved by Harry Potter, the Batman!
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A/N
Obvious crazy fic for the Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them podcast discord for SagiDraconis who helped me come up with the insanity that was this story.