Chapter Text
“Suguru, Suguru. Look.”
Satoru pokes Suguru’s arm once again, but the black haired boy just sighs and raises his coffee cup to his lips, taking a sip from it. Satoru frowns at him and grabs his chin, forcing his head to move to the side.
“Satoru”, Suguru complains, but somehow he still manages to say the other’s name so softly, almost purring. “I almost spilled coffee on my school uniform.”
“Whatever. That blond there.” Satoru points his finger at the same point Suguru’s head is facing to. “Is he handsome?”
Suguru sighs again and grabs Satoru’s wrist. He forces the other to let go of his chin and then lets go of his wrist. “When will you stop this?”
“Just answer.”
Suguru rolls his eyes. “I guess.”
“You always say that!” Satoru whines. “’I guess.’ That doesn’t mean anything. Not once have you said that any guy is actually good looking or anything. Seriously, what’s your type?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Suguru takes a sip of his coffee again. “I don’t really think I have a specific type.”
“Everyone has a type.”
“Well, what’s yours, then?”
Satoru leans back on the bench and takes a long sip from his overly sweet chocolate-strawberry milkshake. He has to actually think about the question, since he has never really thought about it. What is his type? He tries to think the women he finds attractive – Waka Inoue, for example. But somehow it still doesn’t feel right. He does find her aesthetically pleasing, she’s nice to look at. Isn’t that what attraction is?
But would he date her? No way. He doesn’t think he would date anyone at this point of his life at least. Would he have sex with her? The thought makes him feel a bit anxious, somehow, and he furrows his eyebrows. No. He doesn’t think he would have sex with her. But does it really matter?
He decides to give up with the thought process and just answers with his intuition. “Tall, muscles, long and thick – and dark – hair.”
“That’s… kind of not what I expected.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“You can take it as one.”
Satoru frowns at the other and shoves him a little with his elbow. “If you had to tell something about your type – what would it be?”
“You’re way too interested about this.” Suguru tilts his head to the side, and then his eyes find Satoru’s own, hiding behind the sunglasses. “Hmm… Tall, white hair, blue eyes, annoying...”
Satoru just stares at him for a moment. Then his cheeks get a little bit red. Suguru seems satisfied about it.
“W-what –“
“Geez, I’m joking.” Now it’s Suguru’s turn to shove Satoru with his elbow. “You admit you’re annoying?”
“What? No.” Satoru sticks his tongue out at Suguru. “Otherwise – good taste!”
“Yeah?” The smile creeps on Suguru’s lips. For some reason it makes Satoru feel something weird in his stomach. “You wanna be my boyfriend, then?”
“In your dreams, sure”, Satoru mutters, taking a long sip from his milkshake.
“You’re already pretty much acting like my boyfriend, anyway”, Suguru thinks aloud.
“What? I’m not.”
“You are. I don’t think any man would ever approach me when you are literally clinging onto me all the time.”
Satoru’s chest feels suddenly tight. “Well, sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I don’t mind.” Suguru gives him a reassuring smile. “I’m not looking for a boyfriend or anything.”
Before Satoru can answer, Suguru’s phone rings. He sighs and takes it from his pocket. Satoru can see Yaga’s name on the screen before Suguru answers the call and raises the phone to his ear.
“Hello. No, I’m just hanging out with Satoru.” Suguru listens, and his expression darkens. Suddenly the dark circles under his eyes seem to get a lot darker. “Can’t it wait? We were going to go to movies and – No, yeah, sure. Yeah. I’ll get going.”
Suguru ends the call and lets his hand fall onto his lap. He empties the rest of his coffee in one go.
“A mission?” Satoru guesses.
“Yeah. It’s close, at least”, Suguru mutters. “But I can’t make it to the movie. Sorry, you can go by yourself.”
“Nah. We can go watch it together later. I’ll just head back to school.”
“But you already bought the tickets –“
“It doesn’t matter, Suguru. I’ll buy them again. Don’t worry about it.”
Suguru closes his eyes and presses the bridge of his nose. “Okay”, he says quietly.
Satoru can feel the tension in the air. And Suguru’s sudden tiredness. Honestly, he has felt off during most days lately, but today has been different: he has been his usual, happy self after a long time. And now it was suddenly ruined.
Suguru opens his eyes, stands up and throws his empty coffee cup into the trash can. “I’ll get going. See you later.”
“Text me when you get back?”
“Sure.”
“And”, Satoru adds when Suguru already turns his back to him, “be careful.”
Suguru glances at him over his shoulder and just nods. Then he heads off. Satoru sighs and slides lower on the bench. This seems to be their life now: they are both always too busy to hang out.
Whatever, Satoru tries to tell himself, it will get better soon. We’ll have time to hang out later.
Satoru doesn’t get a text from Suguru. But he can sense him coming back, enter his room next to Satoru’s. Satoru waits for a while for the text, but it never comes. Finally he lets the impatience win and gets up, heading out of his room and to Suguru’s door. He opens it without knocking and steps inside. He opens his mouth to call for the other when he hears sounds from the bathroom. He shuts his mouth and heads there.
Suguru is kneeling in front of the toilet, throwing up. Satoru can tell he senses his presence when his body tenses, but he doesn’t look at him.
“Go away”, he groans, then throws up again.
“Don’t give me that attitude”, Satoru says, crouching next to the other boy. He places his hand on his back and draws gentle, calming circles on it. “Are you sick? Or is it just the curse?”
“The curse”, Suguru mutters. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, still not even glancing at Satoru. “Seriously. You don’t have to watch this. I’ll manage.”
“Don’t be stupid.” Satoru tucks Suguru’s loose hair behind his ear and leaves his hand there, resting on his neck. It feels right. “I’ll make some tea for us, okay?”
Suguru doesn’t say anything for a while. Then, “I’m tired.”
“I know. You have had a long day, but you can go to sleep soon and –“
“No, Satoru, I’m tired of this. Having to ingest curse after a curse, tasting like shit. Throwing up and not tasting anything else for hours.” Satoru is kind of shocked to notice Suguru’s shoulders shaking. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Satoru stays quiet. He doesn’t know what to say. Surely Suguru has complained about the taste of curses to him before, but it has never been like this. Usually he just dealt with his shit in silence.
“But, your ability is so cool, though”, Satoru finally says, desperately hoping that his words would make Suguru feel better. “No one else can do it like you. You’re special, and amazing, and… everything. I mean, damn, you’re a special grade. Most sorcerers can just dream of that title.”
Suguru closes his eyes and doesn’t say anything. Satoru begs him for it in his mind, begs him to say something. But he doesn’t.
“… Suguru?”
“Can you go make that tea, please?” the ravenette asks quietly. “In your room. I don’t have any left. I’ll join you soon.”
Satoru bites his lip. “Okay”, he then says, pats Suguru’s back and straightens up. He gives the other one last look before he heads out and back to his own room.
Satoru gets to prepare tea for both of us and let them sit on the floor for about five minutes before Suguru finally arrives. He has changed his clothes to looser, more comfortable ones and let his hair down. He looks good, as always, but tired.
“The tea is ready”, Satoru says.
“Thanks.”
Suguru comes over to Satoru and sits next to him, grabbing his teacup and then leaning his back against the bed. This is how they usually sit – the alternative is Satoru laying on the bed and Suguru on the floor next to it. Or sometimes they just share the bed.
Suguru takes a sip from his teacup carefully. “You know, Satoru”, he then says. “I meant what I said in the bathroom. I’m tired of the continuous missions. All that shit.”
Not this again, Satoru thinks. “I know. It’s tiring. But it will get better.”
“When?” Suguru asks sharply. “When will it get better?”
Satoru shrugs a little. “It will.”
Suguru opens his mouth again. But Satoru doesn’t want to talk about it. Now that he finally has time to hang out with Suguru, he doesn’t want to waste it with bad things. So, he quickly changes the subject. “Let’s talk about something else. To make your mind wander off those stupid thoughts.”
Suguru doesn’t answer anything for a good minute. Finally he lets out a long sigh. “Sure. What do you have in mind?”
Satoru desperately tries to think of something. Usually keeping the conversation going comes easy to him – he’s master at talking. But now he can’t come up with anything. So he just opens his mouth and lets the words come out of his mouth without thinking them first.
“I think I might be into guys, too.”
Suguru’s head bolts up. He stares at Satoru, but the other boy’s eyes are avoiding his own.
“Don’t fuck with me”, he says after a while.
“Wow, Suguru, just because I admitted I like guys doesn’t mean I want to fuck with you.”
Satoru earns a punch on his arm with that. He opens his mouth to complain or joke of the topic some more, but stops himself when he finally looks at Suguru. He looks serious.
“I’m not joking”, Satoru says. “I just… uh, find some guys hot?”
I just find you hot, is what he means.
“But I also find some girls hot, I guess? So… I might be bisexual?”
Satoru can’t really read Suguru’s face. It’s almost like he has put some mask on to hide what he’s feeling.
“Okay. Cool”, is everything he says.
“That’s all?”
Suguru shrugs. “Why are you telling me this now, Satoru?”
Satoru opens his mouth, then closes it. Suguru’s eyes are staring in his own. Then they wander a little lower, and his lips part a little. Satoru swallows.
He has never felt their connection like this before. Suguru’s soul is pulling his own towards itself, and more than anything Satoru wants to press himself against Suguru now, feel him close. Smell him. Hear him breathing in, like he now does, a bit sharper than before.
Taste him.
“No reason. You’re my best friend, so I just wanted to tell you.”
Something in their connection cracks. Suguru blinks, and then presses his lips hard together and moves his eyes to his lap.
“Well”, he says. “I’m glad you have found yourself. And I’m sure you will find a great partner someday.” Before Satoru can answer, Suguru already stands up. “I’m going to sleep now. It’s been a rough day.”
“Suguru –“ Satoru tries.
“Let’s talk more tomorrow.” The ravenette turns and heads to the door. “Good night, Satoru.”
Satoru lets him leave.
He’s stupid and lets him leave.
He stares at Suguru’s teacup on the floor. It’s almost untouched.
The Sun peeking behind the curtains wakes Satoru up from the dream. He opens his eyes slowly, sees the already familiar ceiling, and bites his lip. Dreaming about his high school days isn’t anything new to him. He rarely dreams, but when he does, it’s almost always about Suguru.
He frowns and sits up, moving his eyes to Suguru next to him. Seeing the man right there, all grown up now, looking healthy and well, makes him feel warm. Suguru’s laying on his stomach, his other arm wrapped around Satoru’s waist. The blanket has moved away from him thanks to Satoru’s movement, and his bare back is showing, surrounded by his long hair. He looks so beautiful. Satoru wants to save the image into his head forever. He leans to press a soft kiss on Suguru’s forehead.
Even though his reversed cursed technique is running as usual, he can feel the dull pain on his lower back. Maybe his mind unconsciously wants to leave the pain there, to remind him of Suguru’s touch last night. Satoru doesn’t really mind. As he straightens up and looks at the mirror on the wall, he smiles.
He’s marked. That’s the best word he can think of. At least Suguru has mostly spared his neck, but below that, he has been merciless. Of course Satoru could just heal the marks, but he doesn’t. Instead he touches them gently, and feels a need raise inside him again. So he turns to Suguru again and moves his hair away, showing the back of his neck. He leans to kiss it. After he has moved lower and kissed Suguru’s back a couple of times, the ravenette finally wakes up.
“… ‘Toru”, he mumbles, turning to his side and finding Satoru’s eyes with his own.
“Morning.” Satoru grabs Suguru’s waist gently and moves him to lay on his back. He sits on top of him, then leans to kiss his lips. “You’re so beautiful.”
“Look who’s talking.” Suguru places his hands on the other’s neck and kisses him back. “Are you feeling okay?”
No. Of course he isn’t.
“Yeah.”
Satoru moves a bit back to kiss Suguru’s neck, then his chest. As he presses his body more against the other’s, a soft sigh escapes from Suguru’s mouth.
“I really am blessed by the gods”, Satoru mutters against Suguru’s skin.
“Where is this coming from, suddenly?” Suguru raises his other hand on Satoru’s hair and caresses it gently. “Isn’t that obvious? You have six eyes and –”
“I’m not talking about my powers. The gods blessed me by giving you to me.”
Suguru’s face softens. “Satoru –“
“Even if I only had you for a little while in my own world, it was still a blessing to have you by my side even for that short time.”
Suguru doesn’t say anything more. He pulls Satoru’s face closer and kisses him while wrapping his legs around him. He keeps his other hand on the back of Satoru’s neck as his other hand wanders off to his lower back, then even lower. Satoru sighs into his mouth and parts his lips. Suguru’s tongue immediately finds his own.
Even though his head is full of Suguru at the moment, he still feels a little spike in his senses through it all. He pulls back a little, just enough to get Suguru’s tongue out of his mouth. “Tsumiki is up”, he mutters.
Suguru sighs. He lowers both his legs and arms and presses his head against the pillow. “Well, we can continue after the kids leave.”
Satoru grins and leans to plant a soft kiss on Suguru’s brow. “Can’t get enough of me, huh? We already kept going almost the whole night.”
“You were the one who couldn’t get enough. I would’ve been satisfied after the first two rounds.”
“Riiiight.”
Satoru giggles as Suguru pushes him aside and sits up. The man smiles softly at him and then leans to kiss his lips. Satoru immediately answers and wraps his arms around the other’s neck.
At this moment, he doesn’t worry about the future. He just lets himself be happy.
By the time all the kids are finally up and ready for breakfast, Satoru and Suguru have prepared them a proper brunch together. After eating their stomachs full they still finish the rest of the cake from the previous day. If all the food doesn’t persuade the kids to visit home more often, Satoru doesn’t know what does.
Everyone already wants to leave after the breakfast. Satoru tries to get them to stay at first, but he gives up soon enough – the girls want to go shopping, and Yuji wants to bring Megumi to arcade with him. There is no way to make them stay. All Satoru can do is follow them to the door and watch them put their shoes and jackets on while chattering all together. When they finally open the door and wave their goodbyes to their parents, Satoru’s heart drops. He can’t even wave back at them. He can just watch as they all turn around and step outside.
Megumi is the last to leave. He grabs the doorknob, and suddenly something sharp spikes inside Satoru’s chest. He swallows, raises his arm and reaches towards the boy.
“Me-“
His other arm gets grabbed, and an arm wraps around his waist. He feels Suguru against himself, his lips on his ear.
“Let them go, Satoru”, he mutters. “Don’t worry them. They will be alright.”
Satoru bites his lip so hard he tastes blood. Slowly he lowers his arm.
Megumi closes the door, and silence fills the house.
Satoru doesn’t move for a moment. Then he turns to face Suguru and buries his face in the crook of his neck. Suguru raises his hand to his hair and gently caresses it.
“I’m sorry”, he says softly. “I’m so sorry, Satoru.”
Something is still bothering Satoru. He can feel the weird feeling in his gut, but can’t get handle of it.
He felt it when Megumi left.
Oh God. He felt it when Megumi left.
What if –
“It’s fine”, Satoru quickly says, trying to suppress his own thoughts. He breathes Suguru’s scent in. “Make me forget about it. I don’t want to think about it right now.”
Suguru hums and turns his head to plant a kiss on Satoru’s hair. “Do you have anything special in mind?”
There’s some tease in his voice, which immediately makes Satoru’s mind wander. He raises his head and presses his lips hard on Suguru’s own.
Suguru kisses him back for a moment before he pulls back a little. “Are you sure this is okay?” he mutters. “Do you need to talk?”
Satoru nods, then shakes his head. “This is so okay.”
Their lips meet each other again, and Satoru’s thoughts disappear.
It wasn’t like Satoru had purposefully decided to not have sex or anything like that. He had been busy enough with all the training during his teenager years, and besides, he had been satisfied with Suguru’s, Shoko’s and the others’ presence. He had had friends, he hadn’t needed a lover or anything besides that.
He had focused on Suguru.
Yeah, maybe he had sometimes stared at his best friend when he had been changing his clothes, maybe his heart had always beat a bit faster while they had taken a shower at the same time, maybe he had sometimes dreamed of him, dreams that had made him avoid Suguru’s eyes during the next day.
But he had told himself it was all normal, that it hadn’t meant anything. Now thinking about it all amuses him. But also makes him feel sad.
By the time Suguru had left, Satoru had started to find himself. But even ten years later he wasn’t sure if he liked only men, or also women and others – because in reality, he had always wanted just one man.
He had tried. Before Suguru’s death he had went to bars, picked someone good looking and spent the night talking to them, but eventually he had always excused himself and left alone. Until two months after Suguru’s death. He had met one of the most attractive men he had ever seen at the bar – almost as tall as him, muscular body with some tattoos on it, piercings on his ears, nose and lips.
Black, long hair.
They had talked. Satoru had let the man buy a few drinks for him even though he had hated the taste of alcohol in them. He had thought that maybe they would help. And they had – when he had played with the hair tie around the man’s wrist and felt him shiver under his touch, he had wanted him. For a brief moment.
He had said yes when the man had asked him to come over. He had followed the man over to his house. He had let him kiss him on the hallway, he had let him slide his hands under his shirt. He hadn’t immediately stopped him when he had gotten on his knees in front of him.
But when he had stopped to put his hair up, Satoru had suddenly felt sick. Before the man had gotten his hands on him again, he had already opened the door, stuttered an apology to him and then left without another word.
He hadn’t tried with anyone else after that – expect months later, when he had been on a mission together with Kento. He hadn’t actually been assigned to it, but he had wanted to talk about Yuji with the blond sorcerer, and he never minded spending some time with him. So he had stuck around, shared some drinks with him and finally kissed him in the elevator while they had been heading to their hotel rooms. He had had read the situation, of course, but had still been surprised that the other had kissed him back.
It had been nice, comfier than the kisses he had shared with some random people before. He hadn’t minded it, but that’s all there had been to it. He had found Kento attractive from the day he had returned to sorcery and Satoru had seen his total glow up, hell, he had eyes, but still something had been off.
“I don’t think we should do that again”, had been Satoru’s first words after they had pulled away from each other.
“No”, Kento had agreed immediately. “Let’s not talk about this ever again.”
Of course Satoru had talked about it again. In fact, he teased Kento with it whenever possible.
But with Suguru… Oh, with Suguru. Everything is so easy. Not a single touch by him makes Satoru feel uneasy, just the opposite, making Satoru always want more. Deep down a voice keeps remembering him that this won’t last, and he wants to enjoy this to the fullest, enjoy this now that he still has it.
And he does.
He has never been more thankful for the reversed cursed technique. He and Suguru keep wearing each other down, and when either or both of them finally need a break, they rest. They watch some TV, eat something or just lay in bed talking, or Suguru reads aloud and Satoru listens.
They repeat the cycle until the night arrives, and Suguru finally gives up.
“I don’t have reversed cursed technique like you, remember?” he complains as Satoru once again starts kissing his neck a little too passionately. “My back is killing me.”
“You’re welcome.” Satoru smiles and runs his fingers from Suguru’s hip to his chest. He presses a soft kiss on it too. “It’s okay. We can stop here. Let’s go take shower, and then I can give you some nice massage.”
“Only if the massage doesn’t end with your dick up my ass again.”
“It won’t, unless you want to.”
Suguru punches Satoru on the stomach and smiles when the other just laughs. After changing some soft kisses they finally make their way to the bathroom, where they take long, slow shower together. Afterwards Suguru stays to dry his hair and brush his teeth, while Satoru goes to the kitchen to get something little to eat. He makes himself a sandwich and eats it while standing up, his mind repeating all the pictures of Suguru on top of and under him earlier. It almost makes him forget his tiredness that crawled up to him during the shower.
When he returns to the bathroom, Suguru is just finishing brushing his teeth. Satoru stops behind him and wraps his arms around him, sniffing his hair and enjoying his scent. Suguru spits into the sink and rinses his mouth with water before straightening up and turning around.
“Brush your teeth and then come to bed”, Suguru orders him, planting a kiss on his chin. “I’ll wait for you.”
“Promise not to fall asleep?”
“I promise. I’ll read a little.”
Satoru lowers his arms and lets Suguru leave. He takes a moment to comb his hair with his fingers before he grabs his toothbrush and a toothpaste. But when he squeezes it, nothing comes out. He sighs and throws it to the bin. When he opens the cabinet above the sink in hope of finding another tube of toothpaste, one of the pillboxes catches his attention for some reason. It’s hiding behind other things, the etiquette facing the wall. Satoru grabs it and takes a look at it.
He knows different kinds of medicine pretty well, thanks to being Shoko’s friend. He also recognizes this one. The realization makes his heart drop. He remembers Suguru standing here, in the bathroom, with the same pillbox in his hand.
Clenching the pillbox inside his fist he marches to the bedroom, where Suguru is already laying on bed, reading his book.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Satoru asks, stopping beside the bed.
“Tell you what?” Suguru asks, raising his gaze from the book to Satoru.
Satoru shows him the pillbox, and Suguru frowns. He sighs and puts the book on his lap.
“I just didn’t want you to worry. It’s not a big deal.”
“I don’t want you to keep things from me”, Satoru says. “I thought you were happy in this world.”
“I am happy, Satoru”, Suguru says, his voice stricter now.
“Then why do you take pills meant for depression and anxiety?”
Suguru closes his eyes and presses the bridge of his nose. “I told you about my past”, he says slowly. “You have seen it yourself. When you go through times like that… it’s not so easy to just recover. I am happy nowadays, I promise, but I take medication just in case. So I won’t break down in stressful times – like now.”
Satoru lowers his arm. He grips the pillbox inside his fist. “This whole situation is stressing you out.”
“Of course it is. I just learned that there are alternative worlds out there, my husband got replaced by another version of himself, and in some worlds we are not even together.” Suguru lowers his hand and looks at Satoru again, looking tired now.
Satoru bites his lip. “So is this about that husband of yours? Is he better than me? You miss him so much?”
“Satoru.” Suguru tries to keep his voice calm, but Satoru knows him well enough to notice the edge there. “Let’s not go there. You’re the same person.”
“I’m not.” Satoru feels a lump in his throat. “I’m not married to you. I haven’t spent the last ten years with you. I haven’t raised four kids together with you. You have experienced so many things with your Satoru in this world, but us… We haven’t.”
Suguru bites his lip and doesn’t answer for a moment. Slowly he puts his bookmark between the pages and then places the book on the nightstand.
“I would rather not deal with your jealousy issues right now. It’s not my fault you’re here.”
“Jealousy issues”, Satoru repeats. He lets out a dry laugh. “Jealousy issues. Right. And you’re not kinda right. It is your fault I’m here. If you hadn’t left me –“
Suguru is up before Satoru even realizes it. He clenches his hands into fists. “Don’t”, he hisses. “Don’t fucking bring that up with me.”
“What, you want to sulk into your feelings without talking anything again? Well, you know how to do that, for sure.”
Suguru’s eyes widen a bit. Satoru can see how hurt he is, and it hurts him right back, but he’s too far now to apologize and stop this. Some little part of him wants to hurt Suguru. Wants to make him regret what he did to him.
“I had no other choice than to sulk”, Suguru says dryly.
“You could have talked to me. I was worried about you.”
Suguru scoffs. “You asked me how I was doing, like, once. You were too busy on your missions.”
“I was assigned to those missions. You think I wanted to go to them? I wanted to be with you and Shoko, you idiot”, Satoru talks quickly and more angrily now. “We were almost adults. You could have just opened your damn mouth and talked to me!”
“You didn’t even realize!” Suguru shouts. “I wanted to die, Satoru, and you didn’t even fucking realize!”
Satoru shuts his mouth. It isn’t a new realization to him, but hearing those words straight out of Suguru’s mouth still shocks him a little.
What also shocks him is the fact that they were just talking like they were from the same world. Like they shared the same past, the same problems. But in Satoru’s world, Suguru spiraled and left him. In Suguru’s world, he somehow got his shit together and stayed with him.
It’s so fucking unfair.
“But you got better, stayed with me, started a family with me, married me, and live a fucking perfect life with me right now”, Satoru says. He spreads his arms. “So what the hell are you worried about now? You have everything. Meanwhile in my world you chose to left me and stick to your stupid fucking ideals which are not realistic at all! Are you even happy like that? Killing monkeys with your so-called family?”
Suddenly Suguru is in front of him. He grabs his collar and bangs him against the wall. Satoru hits his head but doesn’t even feel the pain.
“Shut your fucking mouth”, Suguru breathes. “Right now.”
Satoru looks him in the eyes. “Or what?” he asks. “What will you do, Suguru?”
Suguru just stares at him for a moment. Then he lets go of him.
“No wonder I fucking left you in your world.”
Satoru looks after him as he walks out of the room.
The regret hits him right afterwards. He’s so stupid. Suguru already left him in his own world, and now he’s making him leave in this world too. He wants to bolt after him, but instead he sits on the bed and takes a deep breath. He has to calm himself down first. Gather his thoughts.
He knows the things he said were wrong. Leaving him wasn’t easy for Suguru, he didn’t do it out of blue – well, he kind of did, but he had been at his lowest a long before that. And he went through it all alone. Because what Suguru just said was right – Satoru hadn’t been there for him, he had been busy with his own missions and all the training, but it isn’t any excuse. He should have made time for Suguru. Hell, he loved him, and had still left him alone. What kind of best friend did that? What kind of man did that to the one person he loved the most?
Satoru takes a deep breath and stands up. He heads towards Suguru’s presence and out of the front door. Suguru is sitting on a chair on their terrace, smoking a cigarette. Satoru closes the door behind him and walks over to the other.
“I didn’t know you smoke”, he says.
“I don’t”, Suguru comments. “These are Shoko’s. She forgot them here months ago. She doesn’t smoke much anymore, thanks to Utahime.”
“Good.” Satoru sits on the other chair and crosses his legs. He chews his bottom lip in silence for a moment before he opens his mouth again. “Suguru”, he says quietly. “I –“
“You were so eager to call me your blessing earlier”, Suguru interrupts. His voice is calm and low. “Where’s that talk now? Was it just some sweet talking you didn’t mean? Because just now you certainly didn’t sound like you really felt blessed by me in your world.”
Satoru closes his eyes. “I’m sorry. I did mean it when I called you a blessing. I just… I lost myself just now. I didn’t mean anything I said. I’m sorry.”
Suguru doesn’t say anything for a while, just smokes his cigarette in silence. Finally he dumps it and then crosses his arms.
“What did you come here to do, Satoru?”
Satoru opens his eyes. “What?”
“You really must have desired to see me, to be able to get transported into a whole another world.” Suguru’s eyes find his. “Is this what you wanted to do? Moralize me for my actions in your world, because you are too scared to do it there?”
Satoru’s defenses raise again. “I –“
“Just kill me.”
Satoru shuts his mouth quickly. He stares at Suguru, who moves his eyes away and closes them.
“Just kill me in your world. I bet there would be a meaning to that.”
His words immediately send Satoru back ten years, to the busy street where Suguru left him. No. To the busy street where he let Suguru go.
Then to the empty street, Suguru laying there against the wall, bloody and without his right arm. Where Satoru finally told him how he truly feels. Where Suguru laughed last time, where he looked more beautiful than he had ever before. Where Satoru killed him.
“Don’t say that”, the words stumble out of Satoru’s mouth. “Please don’t say that, Suguru. I would never want to kill you. I know I said horrible things to you, I was a total shithead, and you have all the right to be angry at me. But never, never think I would want to hurt you. I have made mistakes, I wish I could fix them all, but I have always loved you. And always will. That’s the only thing I’m sure about – that I love you. You’re the best thing that has happened to me.”
Suguru has opened his eyes at some point, and is now looking at Satoru. His face softens, and Satoru feels like he might cry. He feels like that all the time nowadays.
“Oh, Satoru”, Suguru says softly.
Satoru feels the tears burning behind his eyes, so he closes them again.
“You said you would never want to kill me”, Suguru’s voice is low.
Satoru shakes his head.
“You wouldn’t want to, but you could.”
Satoru doesn’t move.
“Satoru”, Suguru says his name as softly as always. “What really happened to me in your world?”
Satoru knows this is the moment. He has to tell the truth.
“I killed you.” He lets out a shaky breath, and along with it the tears start to fall. “I… I killed you, Suguru. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He buries his face into his hands as he starts shaking. He can’t stop the tears anymore.
He hates himself.
He hates himself, and now this Suguru will hate him too –
Warm arms wrap around him. He tenses up. He feels a face against his neck.
“No, I’m sorry”, Suguru whispers. “I’m so sorry I left you no choice but to kill me.”
Satoru can’t believe his ears.
Suguru is apologizing to him?
“No, I…” Satoru feels like he has lost all his words. “You don’t even know the reason –“
“I don’t have to know the reason. I know you wouldn’t kill me if you had any other choice.”
Suguru has known him just for a couple of days, and he’s so sure. Once again Satoru thinks how too good he is to the world. To all the worlds.
Some things are better left unsaid. This Suguru doesn’t have to know how his body is being used in Satoru’s own world. It doesn’t affect him here. And Satoru will make sure that Suguru gets a proper burial next time, when he arrives back to his own world.
Suguru raises his head and kisses Satoru’s cheek. “Satoru”, he says. “Look at me.”
Satoru obeys. He lowers his hands from his face and looks at the most beautiful thing he knows.
Suguru places his hands on Satoru’s cheeks. “I love you”, he says. “You both. You as yourself, and you as my husband. And all the other Satorus there are.” He breathes in. “Nothing will ever change that. I will always love you more than anything else.”
Satoru tries to shake his head, but Suguru’s hands stop it. “I don’t think I deserve your unconditional love”, he mutters. “I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I left you alone for ten years, and then…”
“Stop it. You could have done better, yes, but you didn’t hurt me or anything. You didn’t realize. So stop blaming yourself, I don’t want it and I’m sure me in your world doesn’t… wouldn’t have wanted it either.”
Satoru swallows and tries to blink the tears away. “Okay”, he just says.
Suguru looks him in the eyes. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
And Satoru means it. Suguru is right: he wouldn’t have wanted Satoru to be sad even in his own world. He would want him to be happy.
“Good.” Suguru presses his forehead against Satoru’s own. “I love you, Satoru.”
“I know. I love you too, Suguru.”
Their lips meet each other, and Satoru wraps his arms around Suguru’s neck. After a moment the ravenette pulls back a little.
“I don’t want to ruin the moment, but… This posture isn’t really doing wonders to my already sore body”, he mutters against Satoru’s lips. He’s standing but crouching down, his hands still resting on Satoru’s cheeks.
Satoru laughs. “I bet. Let’s go to bed?”
”Yeah.”
Before Suguru can move, Satoru has already teleported them there. He falls on the bed, pulling Suguru with him. The man laughs, but Satoru interrupts him with a kiss. Suguru kisses him back and positions himself better, placing his legs on the bed on both sides of Satoru’s body and his hands on his neck. Satoru himself slides his hands under Suguru’s shirt and enjoys his warmth.
They stay like that for a while, exchanging soft, long kisses, until Suguru finally raises his head.
“Satoru”, he says. “I still want to ask you something.”
Satoru gets a bad feeling. “Okay”, he still says. “Ask.”
Suguru chews his bottom lip for a while. “After you killed me in your world…” he then says slowly. “What happened to me?”
Satoru feels the tightness in his chest again, the lump in his throat. “What do you mean?”
Suguru doesn’t say anything for a minute again. Finally Satoru can hear him swallow, and then he speaks. “Sometimes I dream... That I’m not with you. I’m alone in darkness, and I feel like I’m not really alive… but part of me is still… existing.”
When Suguru raises his fingers to touch his forehead, Satoru’s heart drops.
“I almost feel like I’m still inside my body, but… Someone else is controlling me. It’s suffocating, and when I wake up, I’m gasping for air.”
Suguru’s fingers run through his forehead slowly before he places his hand on Satoru’s chest. When he looks him in the eyes, Satoru knows he can’t lie to him.
“Did you destroy my body, Satoru?”
Satoru closes his eyes.
“I’m sorry”, he whispers. “It was the only thing I had left of you, and you looked so beautiful still in death… I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Satoru’s fingers are on Satoru’s face now, softly caressing his cheek. “I wouldn’t be able to do it to you either.”
Satoru keeps his eyes closed as he grabs Suguru’s hand and kisses the palm of it. “I knew I should destroy your body, to the last bit, but I just couldn’t. I left you there. I left you there, alone, again.” Satoru swallows. “Then I suddenly saw you in front of me in Shibuya. For a moment, I was the happiest man on the earth. For almost a year every day, every moment I had longed for you, and I had had to remind myself that you would never come back. And then… there you were. Standing in front of me, alive and well. But the bliss was over in a blink of an eye. My soul knew it wasn’t you.”
Suguru breathes in a long breath. “So someone’s using my body?”
“Yes. But I will make them pay, whoever it is.” Satoru finally opens his eyes and they meet Suguru’s own again. “I don’t think I can save you, but I will put your soul to rest.”
Suguru nods slowly. “I trust you.”
“You always do.” Satoru places his hand on Suguru’s cheek and runs his thumb over his bottom lip. “When your nightmares stop, you will know that everything’s fine in my own world, finally.”
Suguru nods again. He kisses Satoru’s thumb. “I love you”, he says quietly. “Even after death, I will always love you.”
Satoru smiles at him. “I know. Your body fought back when I called for you – you almost strangled yourself.”
Suguru laughs at that. “Good to know.”
He presses a kiss on Satoru’s lips and then places his head in the crook of his neck. Satoru wraps his arms around him.
“When you go back, put me to rest, and then I will wait for you”, Suguru says, his breath tickling Satoru’s skin. “I will wait for you as long as needed to. And you better make sure you really make me wait. If you try to come to me too early, I will kick you back into life myself.”
It’s Satoru’s turn to laugh now.
“You can be sure that when I die, you will be the first thing I’m going to seek for.”