Work Text:
It's an evening like any other. Just another day spent by Beomgyu thinking about Taehyun the whole time, thinking of ways to make the younger one notice him. He is making him dinner, as any other day. He knows that unless he prepares a meal for him, he won't eat, too busy studying.
Beomgyu knocks on Taehyun's door to let him know that dinner is ready. "I'll eat later hyung!" the younger shouts through the door. Beomgyu just sighs, this event occurring too often to not be a habit. He eats food feeling lonely, left with his thoughts as his only companion. He puts Taehyun's dinner in tupperware and leaves it in the fridge with a cute sticky note on it, wishing for the younger to enjoy the meal.
He tries, he tries so hard to get closer with Taehyun but it feels like useless effort. That doesn't mean he's going to stop trying, of course. He likes Taehyun, he enjoys his company, when he grants him with his presence once in a while.
How could he even fall in love with a guy like that? They barely see each other and even less often actually talk to each other. There are simply no attempts to form a friendship from Taehyun's side. Beomgyu wonders how different things would be if he wasn't in love with his roommate, if they would be any different. Maybe he was trying too hard, that could be it. It wouldn't be the first time someone found his presence to be bothersome.
With thoughts like these and more, the older boy goes to sleep with his heart hurting.
The younger one keeps on studying until late at night when he decides it's time to eat, he hasn't eaten nearly anything today, too busy studying. He quietly slips out of his room so as to not wake up his hyung. He can imagine perfectly where the older one put his food, he does this every night. Taehyun opens the fridge to find his dinner exactly where he pictured it to be. He wonders why Beomgyu is so kind to him when he doesn't really pay any attention to him but he just shrugs it off. Maybe the older one just likes taking care of people.
The next morning Beomgyu wakes up to a lonely apartment. Taehyun has early morning classes, at least he was told so, meaning they usually don't see each other at this time. Actually, they barely see each other at all. Beomgyu would love to spend more time with the younger but everytime he tried to suggest some type of activity they could do together, like watching a movie, Taehyun refused by saying that he is either too tired or that he still has some schoolwork to do.
Beomgyu's mornings are usually just as lonely as the whole apartment, the poor man has to spend time all alone, just with his own ideas, which aren't so kind to him.
He caught himself staring blankly at his room, laying still in the same position as he woke up in. His room was messy, piles of clothes laying on the ground, his desk filled with paper wraps and his trash can overflowing with waste. Sick thoughts swirling in his mind and torturing him, they did not care that Beomgyu's day had just started. They never cared about the time of the day or the length of their stay, in fact, they had been with him for a few years now. One would think he would grow accustomed to them, a few years looking like enough time, but no, he never did.
He decides to ignore the unpleasant concepts his mind was creating for him for now and that it's time to get up. If he does some kind of activity, any activity, they will leave him be, right? So he tries.
He goes to the bathroom to shower but the first thing he notices is how destroyed he looks. There is a big mirror in their bathroom, and he hates it. He hates mirrors in general but he wishes that this particular one could just disappear forever, or at least be moved to a different room, somewhere where it can't haunt him.
His reflection disturbs him, as he notices all his imperfections. His cheeks sulken and his acne acting up again. His hair ruffled from the way he slept, bags under his eyes indicating the demons that haunt him at night.
"Wow, I had no idea I looked this terrible," he said to no one in particular. He continues examining his own face, his mind darkening. He just carries on staring and trying to remember how he got this way. Sure he was happy and good looking once, right? The problem was that he doesn't remember feeling neither happy nor looking good. People nevertheless tell him how handsome he is but he has concluded a long time ago that they were all just lying to him for fun.
He is tired of this. He would break the mirror, but it's not his apartment after all. Instead he just decides to grab another towel and cover the glass up with it. What normal person cannot even look at their reflection? Why can't he be like others? No wonder Taehyun doesn't want to spend time with him, just looking at him must make him feel disgusted. Maybe that's why they never really became friends and never had a real conversation except for the occasional small talk.
He starts undressing himself, thankful for the covered mirror. What he hadn't realized was the fact that his body isn't like his face. He can see it without any mirrors. He looks down at his belly and hateful thoughts fill up his brain. God, I'm truly disgusting, he thinks. His thoughts encourage him some more and he cannot take it anymore, so he runs to the shower and turns on the water, hoping that the dripping sound will drown out the loudness of his thoughts.
He sits under the shower head, water dripping on him soundly and steadily as he tries not to cry. How long can he go on like this? Every morning is the same, horrible.
He stands up shakily, trying to sort his own thoughts. He chooses to focus on washing himself up, which is a dreadful experience in itself, as he is forced to touch his disgusting body.
After he finishes taking the shower and dries himself up he thinks of making breakfast for himself, a quick flashback of seeing his body stopping him in his steps towards the kitchen.
Thankfully, he has no classes today, only his work shift at a cafe is stopping him from staying inside the whole day. He has no friends to be with so he usually just stays inside when he has nowhere to be at, too embarrassed of himself to show himself to the world.
Beomgyu starts getting ready for work, putting on some makeup to hide his acne and dresses himself up in oversized clothing so no one can see the real him.
Before he leaves for work, noticing he has some time left before he needs to leave, he decides to cook some lunch for Taehyun for when he comes home after school. The younger boy always forgets to eat and it makes Beomgyu both sad and worried for him.
After finishing cooking the meal, he puts it in the fridge with a cute post-it note saying "I hope you had a good day! Come talk whenever you want to :)". He always puts the last part on his post-it notes, hoping that the younger will come to him on his own, even if he ignores all of Beomgyu's tries, even if it might make him look desperate.
The work day was tiring, but it was the usual. Beomgyu spent most of his free time thinking of Taehyun and whether he ate what he had cooked for him.
His dreamy thoughts of Taehyun are interrupted by the man himself walking in the cafe with what seems to be a friend. He has no idea who that is since Taehyun brings people around to their apartment only occasionally and nearly never talks about his friends.
Beomgyu was watching them for a while, almost forgetting that he should serve them. He goes up to their table, blushing already because he's gonna talk to the Kang Taehyun.
"Hi, what may I bring you?" Beomgyu says in his customer voice, trying his best to sound normal.
"Oh hey, Beomgyu. Two iced coffees please," Taehyun answers with a hint of softness to his voice, using the tone he has never used before while talking to Beomgyu.
"Okay, I will bring it to you right away," Beomgyu says and leaves, although his mind and heart were racing like they were never before. His hands were shaking a bit, his cheeks blushing still.
"Who was that?" Beomgyu hears the guy who went in with Taehyun say.
"Oh, that? That's my roommate, Beomgyu. He's..." Beomgyu couldn't hear what Taehyun said due to him walking nearer to the coffee maker.
While making the coffee he could not stop thinking about how beautiful Taehyun's voice sounded and he kept wondering what he said about him to his friend, hoping it was something good, although there are not many good qualities to Beomgyu.
He takes the coffee and brings it to Taehyun and his friend. They kindly thank him and he leaves back to the place behind the counter, exactly where he was standing before they had arrived. He watches them as they talk to each other, laughing out loud when either of them says something funny. Beomgyu finds himself daydreaming about how he would be friends, or even lovers, with Taehyun and how exciting it would all be. Too bad for him though, Taehyun never once initiated a conversation between them ever since he moved into the apartment.
Beomgyu remembers exactly how he got to know Taehyun. It was a year prior when he just moved into their, now shared, apartment and was looking for a roommate. He posted online about his situation and some of his then friends had reposted it and it spread until it got to Taehyun, who was looking for a place to live in at that time. He texted Beomgyu, also explaining his situation, and they talked some more, trying to get to know each other to find out if it was a good idea to move in together. After texting for a while they had decided that their lifestyles were not intervening one with another so they decided to try it. Maybe it was when they first met that Beomgyu fell in love, maybe it was when they first started texting, he honestly has no idea. Taehyun seemed like a really sweet guy, but when he arrived he soon started getting cold. They talked for a while right after he settled in the apartment but soon their conversations turned stale and they started talking less and less until they stopped talking completely. This hurt Beomgyu, was he at fault? Was it his personality that put Taehyun off?
These thoughts whirl inside Beomgyu's head until this day. He still isn't sure what happened or why Taehyun stopped giving him any of his attention. He has no idea where he went wrong, but maybe he is just unlikeable in general.
Taehyun and his friend leave after about an hour and a half and go to who knows where. Beomgyu has continued to think about how it would be to go on cute dates with him. He keeps on daydreaming during his whole shift, as he does any other day, serving his customers but with only one thing on his mind, Taehyun.
When his shift ends the sun has already set. Beomgyu exits the cafe and heads home, hoping that maybe today Taehyun will not pass on his invitation to watch a movie.
One thing about Beomgyu is that he hates the dark. The soft lights of the lamps do not help much, the dark making him feel lonely. One would think that this time would be when the city awakens but the opposite was true. Beomgyu barely meets anyone on his walk home, and the few he does meet, he gets paranoid about. He wishes he had someone to walk him home or at least someone to call, but there was no one, absolutely no one, who was there for him. Nobody cared and nobody ever will.
He continued on walking home, trying his best to admire the scenery of the city in the dark and to ignore his dark thoughts. The apartment buildings were pretty, some looking as if they had seen the lives of dozens of people and some looking as if they had just been built. Beomgyu wondered about the lives of the people who live inside them. How different or similar their lives were to his. He thinks about how different his life would be if he lived in one of them, if he had never met Taehyun. Would he be happier or would he be long gone? He will never find the answer to his question, no matter how long he thinks about it.
He arrives home pondering on whether Taehyun is already sleeping or if he is studying late again. It's always either or with him, always closed off in his room at this time of the day.
To his surprise, he meets Taehyun in the living room, typing something away on his phone. He stops walking for a second, he doesn't know if to feel excited or scared.
"Hey," Taehyun starts. Beomgyu is now even more in shock from the fact that the younger has initiated a conversation, he doesn't remember when this happened last.
"Hi," Beomgyu says back in a quite surprised tone. He starts feeling hopeful that today may not be as bad as the other days.
"What are your plans for the summer?" Taehyun asks nonchalantly, still looking down at his phone and typing.
Beomgyu's mouth is agape. Is Taehyun interested in his plans for the summer? Did he hear right? His mood took a one-eighty turn and now he feels excited. Taehyun was talking to him without him being the initiator.
"I'm just staying here, no big plans," Beomgyu answers his question with a plain but true answer, not wanting to talk too much in case he starts being annoying, he doesn't want that to happen.
"Yeah, me too," Taehyun says in a bit of a displeased tone, which Beomgyu doesn't catch due to his mind running wild at the thought of staying the whole summer with Taehyun. Now that Taehyun won't be too busy studying, maybe they will get closer!
Beomgyu stays in his place, standing still, waiting for Taehyun to say something more, which doesn't happen, so he decides to take the initiative and asks him if he wants to watch a movie today. It is the last day of college before the summer break after all, meaning that Taehyun doesn't have to study. Beomgyu is hopeful that Taehyun might want to spend more time with him.
Taehyun answers with a short answer, saying how he would love to but he already has made different plans for the evening.
"Bummer," Beomgyu saddens but is still filled with the excitement from the image of the two of them spending the summer together. Surely he will find some time for Beomgyu in those few months.
Taehyun gets up and leaves to his room quietly, still not letting his eyes off the phone screen he was staring at the whole time.
Beomgyu goes to the kitchen to get something to eat since he hasn't eaten all day. He chooses a small snack, not wanting to look any more bloated than he already does. After he eats his snack he opens the fridge to check if Taehyun has eaten the lunch he had made for him and, to his surprise, it is no longer there, meaning that Taehyun must've eaten it.
The thought of Taehyun eating made Beomgyu feel warm, the fact that Taehyun may like his cooking, since he usually eats what he cooks, made him feel ecstatic.
Beomgyu goes to his room without having any further plans in the kitchen since he already ate. He sits down on the bed wondering what to do next. There is no studying to be done, yesterday being his last day of college for a while and he has nowhere to go, nowhere to be and no one to call. He decides to play a round or League of Legends to redirect his thoughts from Taehyun, he's been thinking about him the whole day anyway.
He plays for a while, although the romantic thoughts of Taehyun had not left him even for a second and his demons seemed to start overwhelming him again.
He loves and adores Taehyun, he cares about Taehyun. He loves his big doe eyes and the sweet honey voice he has. He couldn't stop thinking about them getting closer this summer, even thinking as far as Taehyun falling in love with him. Yet he could not stop thinking how wrong it could all go. He could annoy Taehyun so much that he moves out. He has no idea how to interact with other people properly which means he has even less of a clue on how to talk to Taehyun or how to interact with him at all. The whole year he has spent on sending the younger post-it notes on his lunch meanwhile never getting any answers back and without the help of his friends, which he doesn't have, he has no idea on what to do next, on how to improve their relationship.
He finishes the last round of the game and decides to go to sleep. He should go wash his face but he doesn't feel like looking in the mirror again, after what happened to him that morning. He decides to try and go to sleep, although it seems a hard of a task as his mind haunts him the most during this time of the day.
He keeps on thinking and thinking, considering and wondering. His chest feels heavy and tight as the gaping night goes by. He keeps on turning and turning from side to side, falling deeper and deeper into the dark pit of his mind. Until he hits the rock bottom. Every night, without fail, felt like hitting a new rock bottom. He felt like it kept on getting worse with days going by but at the same time felt like everything was the same. Slowly, when he couldn't contain his feelings any longer, he starts to cry. His only hope was that Taehyun couldn't hear his muffled sobs.
And he finally falls asleep, laying in a fetus position, hoping that his demons may leave him be if he stays like that. He wakes up, still tired as he didn't sleep much, in the same position as he dozed off in.
He stretches himself out and stays that way for a while, considering everything that he could get done today. There is not much to do, he has no work and no school but he should get up at least to make Taehyun some breakfast.
As soon as Beomgyu steps out of his messy room, which he never felt like cleaning up due to being chronically tired due to his depression, he smells some food. Huh? This is certainly new.
He enters the kitchen and a new wave of shock hits him, Taehyun is cooking. Now this was something he has seen only on very special occasions. Maybe Beomgyu should get ready for some guests, he cannot meet anyone looking like this.
"Come sit down, I made breakfast," Taehyun says and motions with his hand in the direction of their dining table. It is a tiny table in the kitchen with only three seats. On the table are also three plates, one with a stack of pancakes on it and the other two are at the sides of the table, right in front of their respective seats. They don't sit at them often, only sometimes when they feel social enough to do their schoolwork together but never to eat, unless they accidentally eat at the same time. They both have completely different routines and although Beomgyu tries to interact with Taehyun, he is still kind of afraid of him.
Beomgyu sits down quietly, trying his best to not annoy or disturb Taehyun. He sits there waiting for Taehyun to also sit down so they can eat together. A lot of confusion is swirling inside of Beomgyu's head. He simply cannot understand what is happening. Taehyun is cooking.. for him? Why? If they were in an animated series there would be a huge cloud of confused mess above his head right now.
"Eat up, I thought I would at least try to pay you back for all the cooking you did for me. You know, I have also noticed that you have lost some weight, I wonder why is that so? Are you eating properly?" Taehyun asks Beomgyu, sounding quite concerned to his surprise.
"Yes, yes I am. I was just stressed from school and work, you know how it is," Beomgyu answers plainly with a lie. He knows he should be honest, but he simply doesn't want to. He knows he has been starving, but he has been doing so for Taehyun specifically and he doesn't want the younger one to feel bad, he doesn't deserve it.
Taehyun sits down opposite of Beomgyu and puts a pancake on his plate. Beomgyu, who was waiting for Taehyun to do this the whole time, repeats that action, not wanting to look like a greedy pig.
"So, what do you plan on experiencing this summer? Anything exciting planned?" Beomgyu asks Taehyun with genuine interest. He is going to make plans for himself according to Taehyun's answer.
"Not much, I'll probably make them up as I go, but not anything big. I just want to focus on resting." Taehyun answers in between taking bites from his pancake.
"Same but I think I'm just gonna end up spending it all in my room," Beomgyu replies, trying to keep the conversation flowing but kind of killing it too. He knew he had a gift for ruining the mood and he had no idea how to fix it.
"What about your friends?" Taehyun asks unknowingly.
"I don't have any," Beomgyu answers honestly, not realizing how pitiful he must sound. He has been without friends for quite some while, unwillingly ghosting them all as they grew tired of his act and gave up on him. He knows he should've tried harder, but with his demons telling him that they'd be better off without him, he has convinced himself that he did it for the greater good. With this unhealthy mindset, that people's lives were better without him ruining them by his presence, he has not even tried making any friends in his first year of college, that has now come to an end.
"Oh," Taehyun answers, sounding a bit confused yet not surprised. Beomgyu knew that Taehyun must have noticed that the older one never leaves their apartment and that nobody ever comes there for him either, but it still hurts Beomgyu. Was he that unlikeable that it was obvious to Taehyun that he doesn't have any friends? He knew his mind was playing games on him and that his thoughts were irrational, yet he couldn't help feeling down due to this.
They continue eating in silence, their conversation practically dead. Beomgyu keeps on thinking about his old friends and about his downfall to loneliness. There was not much to it, he did it to himself. He always replied to their texts too late. He never answered their calls. He isolated himself. It was all his fault, he has no one to blame but himself.
Beomgyu finishes his pancake and takes off to his room, of course not without washing their plates first. He tells Taehyun not to worry about doing the dishes, he will do them as a thank you for the breakfast. Taehyun does not protest at all, actually feeling quite thankful to Beomgyu.
After the breakfast they go their own separate ways, Beomgyu to his room and Taehyun somewhere out of the apartment, probably to hang out with his friends. Beomgyu stays in his room, reading a book for a while, watching some series and playing League. Sometime between doing one of these activities he catches himself thinking about Taehyun again, imagining himself hanging out with him, having fun. The things he would do to be Taehyun's friend, lover even.
And there it goes, just like any other day. Again, spending it by entertaining his tragic thoughts and thinking about Taehyun. Beomgyu starts to feel sorry for himself, is this the way he should lead his life? Just sitting in his room, wasting his time by doing basically nothing and thinking about stupid things.
Suddenly he hears the door to their apartment open, hearing multiple voices and he sits up and tries to distinguish them. He realizes that he has heard some of them at least once in the year of living with Taehyun. They must be his friends. He saddens at the thought of hearing them talk and laugh while he sits in his room all alone. Just another day.
To his surprise, he hears a knock on the door to his room. "Come in!" Beomgyu shouts to whoever is behind his door. The door opens and Taehyun's head peeks in, scanning the messy room, looking for Beomgyu. When he finds him, his eyes settle on him.
"Me and my friends are gonna watch a movie, wanna join?" he asks a what sounds like a genuine question. Beomgyu stares at him for a few seconds with a mouth wide open and large wary eyes. His mind is blank but also full of thoughts. He cannot comprehend the question Taehyun is asking him, but also the fact that Taehyun is the one asking. He has asked Taehyun countless times to watch a movie with him, the younger one always too busy to do so. This is like a dream come true, a bit too good to be true. Beomgyu is having a hard time comprehending the question but quickly realises that Taehyun is waiting for an answer in an awkward silence.
"I'd love to," Beomgyu finally answers with a quiet, still doubtful, voice.
Taehyun nods and walks back to their living room, leaving the door open as an invitation for Beomgyu to come too. The older boy slowly gets up from his bed and with careful steps peeks his head through the door to see who was in the living room.
There were three people seated on their couch. There was a mesmerizing boy with pink hair sitting the closest to where Beomgyu was standing, in the left corner of their couch. He was truly the second most beautiful person he has ever seen, Taehyun being in first place. Next to him was seated a boy with pastel blue hair, who was smiling at Beomgyu with his pretty teeth showing. He reminded Beomgyu of a cute bunny with his cute nose. Right next to the blue haired boy was sitting someone, who looked very young with almost a baby face, the same boy who visited the cafe where Beomgyu works at with Taehyun. They were all unbelievably beautiful, which made Beomgyu wonder where has Taehyun found them all. In front of Beomgyu was standing Taehyun, waiting for him to exit the door frame while smiling kindly.
Taehyun steps closer to Beomgyu, takes his hand slowly and with care pulls him closer to himself. Now they are both standing in the middle of the living room in front of the sitting trio on the couch. Beomgyu's heart starts beating faster than ever, not only because he is standing in front of strangers who he needs to make a good impression on, them being Taehyun's friends, but mostly due to the fact that Taehyun touched his hand and was still holding it with his soft one. This all is too much for Beomgyu and he feels his chest tighten from anxiety, the only thing he is focusing on is trying not to shake. He takes a deep breath and smiles and greets them with a cautious "Hi," as if they were dangerous people.
"Beomgyu, these are my friends. This is Yeonjun, Soobin and Kai. Guys, this is my roommate, Beomgyu." He introduces them one to another with a soft voice, still smiling encouragingly at Beomgyu.
They all greet Beomgyu back and invite him to sit next to them. He sits down in the corner with Taehyun sitting down between him and Kai. They start talking about which movie to watch, Beomgyu sitting quietly not wanting to disturb them, the only thing he wants is to disappear but he doesn't want to pass up the opportunity to be so close with Taehyun.
All of a sudden, stopping Beomgyu in his train of thought, there is quiet and all of them are looking at Beomgyu with a question in their eyes. He assumes they had asked him about some choice they had made and he just agrees, having no idea what the movie is.
They nod acknowledgingly and put on the film. A few minutes pass by, everyone focusing on the movie while occasionally commenting on something when Beomgyu notices the thing that he should've thought asking about earlier. The movie is not just any movie, it's a horror and what a lot of people don't know is that Beomgyu is a scaredy cat. He gets scared easily and by almost everything. This is not good.
He tries his best not to be a bother about it, having his eyes closed in hopes of not seeing anything that might haunt him later that night. Sometimes going as far as covering his ears if there is scary music or a loud scream. Hugging his knees tightly he just hopes that the movie is near its end.
It seems that Taehyun has noticed Beomgyu's uncomfort as he puts his hand on the older one's knee and starts rubbing circles on it as his way of trying to comfort him. Butterflies rise in Beomgyu's stomach, feeling like he is on cloud nine. He cannot believe that all this is happening, he is afraid that all of today is just a dream and he will soon wake up and everything will be back to normal, normal meaning him laying in bed with ominous thoughts while Taehyun is locked away in his own room, not caring about a thing. Taehyun's action distracts Beomgyu from the film and calms him down, for which he is forever grateful.
The end of the movie, which Beomgyu has been awaiting the whole time, finally comes and he fully relaxes, putting his legs back on the ground. Taehyun, too, takes his hand off Beomgyu's knee and puts it back in his lap as he looks at his friends. They all start conversing and expressing their opinions on the movie, Beomgyu still sitting quietly and mostly listening to them, only sometimes throwing in his thoughts on it.
It is soon dinner time and they decide to order some pizzas. Beomgyu says that he doesn't feel hungry and doesn't order anything, although what he said was a complete lie. Of course he was hungry, all he ate that day was one single pancake, but he couldn't let the others know that, lying through his teeth about how much he already ate that day.
They eat together and as they talk more, Beomgyu finally starts to come out of his shell and cracks some jokes. They all laugh, enjoying their time together. Beomgyu, forgetting that these are not his but Taehyun's friends, already starts planning their next hangout in his head.
It nears midnight when Taehyun's friends decide it's time to go home. They all say their goodbyes, not forgetting to say that they should all hang out together soon. Beomgyu is happy out of his mind, does this mean he finally has some friends? He still hopes he won't suddenly wake up and realize this has all been just a dream.
After they leave, both Taehyun and Beomgyu start cleaning up the mess they have made. They talk about the day and how much they enjoyed it while tidying up the place, putting everything back where it belongs. After doing this they consider it a suitable time to go to sleep.
Just as Taehyun was about to close the door to his room, Beomgyu stops him in his tracks with a shy voice.
"Taehyun?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you for tonight."
"You're welcome."
After this, Taehyun closes his door and leaves Beomgyu standing a few feet away from it.
"Goodnight, Taehyun." He whispers into the quiet of the night, hoping his message will reach the younger one without saying it to him directly. The same way he wishes his feelings were reciprocated.
Beomgyu quietly slips back into his room and lays on his bed. Once again, he stares at his ceiling for a while, trying to comprehend all that has happened that day. It all seems suspicious, it all seems like a trap, yet he doesn't want to think about it too much. After all, it's better to just enjoy the moment than ruin it, as he always does.
He turns around and screams into his pillow. Taehyun talked to him. He made him breakfast. He held his hand so softly. This is all feeling surreal to Beomgyu. But how could it be real? It just was too good to be true.
The first half of the summer break was spent by Beomgyu and Taehyun both working, but also finding time to spend together. They watched a lot of movies, sometimes even visiting cafes or going to a park near their apartment building. Beomgyu has also sort of become a part of Taehyun's friend group and joined their group hangouts often. His mind became clearer, now that he didn't spend all of his time alone, not having breakdowns as often as he used to. He has never felt happier and everything was looking good. Taehyun seemed to get busier these days so Beomgyu took every chance he could get to spend some time with the younger one, still madly in love. He has at some point started believing that the boy, who sometimes reminded him of a kitty, has finally started to reciprocate his feelings. Now he was only waiting for a chance to express his own.
When Beomgyu first visited Taehyun's room he was in awe from how clean it was. Everything inside it screamed with Taehyun energy and he couldn't be happier that he finally was allowed to spend time in it, in Taehyun's sacred place.
They had late night talks, involving deep conversations such as the purpose of life or how the universe would end, if it ever ends. Beomgyu enjoyed these the most, getting to know Taehyun's fears and ambitions. They started being more touchy with each other, finding comfort in each other's presence.
"I had no idea you were this funny!" Taehyun exclaims into the air filled with laughs.
They were laying in Taehyun's bed having yet another one of their cuddling sessions. They have had a conversation about their love languages and found out that both of them enjoy physical touch, so this seemed like a great idea. An idea which got into Beomgyu's head in a dangerous manner. Some would call his logic irrational and delusional, he says it's common sense. An idea which could easily ruin everything they have built together. The house built of cards, so fragile yet standing tall, ready to be ruined by the smallest shift of the wind.
Beomgyu laughs too, raising his head from where it was laying on Taehyun's chest to look into his eyes. After their laughter and giggles die down they stay like that, staring into each other's eyes. Beomgyu could see all the stars of the night sky in Taehyun's eyes shining bright. He could feel and hear not only his heart beating fast, but also Taehyun's breath on his lips from how close they were.
Beomgyu's thoughts are running wild, wilder than usual and start suggesting dangerous ideas, menacing even. He starts wondering how sweet Taehyun's lips must taste, and now that he has started wondering, he couldn't stop. They stay in the position for a little longer, Beomgyu's urge to taste Taehyun's lips growing unbearable.
Impulsively and without thinking it through, Beomgyu leans in closer to Taehyun, closing his eyes and pouting his lips. And it happens. His lips are on Taehyun's and it felt oh so heavenly to be this intimate with him. Taehyun's lips taste even better than he ever could have imagined. They taste like sweet cherries, probably from the lip gloss which he saw Taehyun using once. He feels like he is flying through crystal skies, he could see anything and everything, he feels everything he never felt up until this moment.
All of this, all these feelings, have happened in the few milliseconds preceding Taehyun pushing him away. Beomgyu quickly opens his eyes, now laying on the other side of the bed. Breathing frantically, still in shock from his own actions, he stares cautiously into Taehyun's eyes, Taehyun's angry eyes. This was a mistake, this was a big mistake, he has ruined everything again. But before he can start feeling guilty, Taehyun's voice interrupts his thoughts.
"What the fuck? Beomgyu I have a boyfriend," Taehyun says with an irritated tone to his voice, his eyebrows knitted.
"I- I thought-" Beomgyu tries to defend himself, no real arguments coming out of his mouth.
"You thought what? That I liked you? Don't be ridiculous now, this is why I didn't want to talk to you in the first place, because I knew you would get crazy ideas," Taehyun continues in his angry monologue, his sharp words stabbing Beomgyu in his heart like a knife. In reality, he truly thought that Taehyun liked him romantically, at least a bit. He always struggled with the idea of people liking him, he struggled so much that he mistook their kindness for romantic feelings. His head could not comprehend anyone liking him without some deeper meaning behind it.
"Please, Taehyun, please! I didn't mean it! It was just a spur of the moment! I swear I didn't mean it, believe me, please!" Beomgyu starts pleading, lying through his teeth, not caring if it makes him look pathetic.
Taehyun doesn't even spare him a glance as he gets up from his bed and opens his door, his hand motioning for Beomgyu to leave immediately. The older one stands up from the bed, holding the tears back as he quickly gets to the door. Now standing in front of Taehyun's door, looking back at Taehyun one more time.
"I'm serious, it was nothing, can we please just forget it happened? Please?" He pleads one more time, hoping that Taehyun will forgive him and everything will go back to normal.
Taehyun breathes in a bit of air, closing his eyes for a while, preparing to answer Beomgyu's question. He sighs out slowly and looks the older one straight in the eye.
"No, we cannot, leave me be now," Taehyun answers sternly and shuts his door right in Beomgyu's face.
Beomgyu stands in front of the younger one's door, without a single thought in his head, trying to comprehend all that has happened in just a few seconds. Tears slowly and quietly start to make their way down his cheeks. He stands there broken as ever just staring at the door which was shut a few minutes ago. He doesn't even have the energy to sob, just standing still and staring blankly.
After a few moments of not moving, just standing and staring, he decides to go back to his room, feeling as he used to in the old days when he used to knock on Taehyun's door to let him know that dinner was ready, only to be left there standing in silence. But this time without any hope that their relationship will go any further, now that he has ruined it all with his irrational actions.
Once again, just as he used to do, he lays down in his bed in agony. How did he get here? It all seemed to be fine. Everything was going great, but he had to destroy it, just the way he loves to do it. Just the way he always does.
Everything is back to normal, as it should be, Beomgyu thinks to himself. This all happened so Taehyun wouldn't have to deal with him anymore. Maybe he didn't like him from the start and was just being kind after noticing how lonely Beomgyu was, and Beomgyu took advantage of this kindness. He should've stayed away from the start. He never should've said yes to Taehyun when he asked him to watch a movie with his friends. He never should've eaten the breakfast that Taehyun cooked for him. He must've pitied him, but that is understandable, he is pitiful, a pitiful mess.
He lays in his bed, staring at the ceiling and pitying himself. What else is there left to do? He puts on his saddest playlist and cries into his pillow. He always is the problem.
Beomgyu cries himself to sleep that night. He wakes up to his alarm, reminding him that he has to go to work. He gets up from his messy bed, walks over his pile of clothes and goes straight into the bathroom. Without thinking, he covers the mirror with a spare towel, as he always does. He must look even worse than on the other days, all the joy of life leaving him the day before.
After doing his morning routine, he cooks breakfast for Taehyun because he still cares about the younger and wants to show him that he hopes that yesterday's kiss doesn't wound their friendship too much. When he finishes cooking the breakfast, he knocks on Taehyun's door and lets him know he cooked breakfast and that he's leaving for work. There is no response from the other side of the door, even though he stays there for a moment, hoping to hear Taehyun's sweet honey voice.
He leaves their apartment, not before putting a post-it note on Taehyun's breakfast saying "I'm sorry for yesterday, I hope it won't affect us too much. I hope you have a great day! :) ♡".
This day of work is probably the longest he has ever had. He keeps on thinking about him and Taehyun, all the moments they have experienced together and how he ruined it all in just a second. He hopes he didn't worry any of his customers, since he looked like a kicked puppy all day. His boss got angry at him for that, which ruined his day further, just when he thought it couldn't get worse.
He comes home, tired as ever and goes straight to the kitchen. He hasn't eaten all day so he figures it's time to eat, at least something small, even though he has no appetite. As he goes to throw out the wrapper from his chocolate bar he notices something in the trash. It's the breakfast he cooked for Taehyun that morning, with his post-it note still on it. His eyes widen and his mouth opens a little. Small tears start forming in his eyes, still puffy from yesterday.
From this point on, Beomgyu's days all seem to blend into each other. Everyday feeling the same, being the same. One thing has changed though, after the breakfast incident Beomgyu starts to avoid Taehyun as much as he could. And instead of starving himself, he starts finding comfort in cooking and eating. It's not that he starts eating healthy, he just finds comfort in food. He eats and eats until he is full and then eats some more. He feels disgusted in himself yet he can't stop himself. He never looks into the mirrors again, looking the other way whenever he is near any. He can't bear to look at the pile of sadness that he was.
Some of Taehyun's friends, specifically Yeonjun and Soobin, try to reach out to him, knowing what has happened, Taehyun must've told them. Beomgyu, although he appreciates their offer to comfort him, doesn't feel like accepting any of it. He doesn't feel like he deserved to be comforted, after all, he has caused all of this himself. He is the one at fault for damaging his and Taehyun's friendship.
One day, a post it note was found by Beomgyu on his door. It said: "Hi, we haven't spoken in a while and I think it's time we talk about what happened. Find me in my room when you feel like it. Take care of yourself :)"
Beomgyu's heart warms up at the message, he starts feeling hopeful again. Maybe Taehyun really did just need some alone time, maybe their friendship will go back to the way it was before. Beomgyu's world starts lighting up, he is finally seeing something else than the dark loneliness which has been visiting him often the past few weeks.
A couple of days passed and Beomgyu finally got the courage to knock on Taehyun's door. He knocks cautiously, waiting for Taehyun to open them while holding his own hands behind his back, trying to calm himself down.
"Come in," Taehyun says as soon as he opens the door and says it in a kind tone while he smiles at Beomgyu and steps out of the door frame as a way of letting Beomgyu in.
He comes in and stands in the middle of the room, looking around. Nothing has changed, Taehyun's room still tidy and filled with his scent. He waits for Taehyun to initiate the conversation, too scared to speak up and cause a problem again.
"Do you wanna say anything? Or can I start?" Taehyun asks as he sits down onto his bed comfortably.
Beomgyu thinks for a while, considering his options. He thinks that he should apologize and beg Taehyun for his friendship. Well, maybe not beg but he should certainly let him know how sorry he is in the hopes of getting back what he needs the most, the comfort of his love, even if only in the form of a friendship.
"Can I say something? Not a lot, I just wanna share some of my thoughts. I have been thinking a lot these past few weeks," Beomgyu starts, looking at Taehyun questioningly.
"Sure, go ahead," Taehyun replies, waiting for Beomgyu to continue with whatever he wants to say.
"I'm sorry that I kissed you, I won't say I didn't mean it, cause I did, but it doesn't mean I'm not sorry. I didn't know you had a boyfriend, if I did, I would have never done it. I also want to say that I love you. I know you may not want to hear it, but I must let you know. What I need you to acknowledge though, is that I won't let that get in the way of our friendship again, I will try my best to get rid of these feelings and I will accept whatever your next steps are in this situation." Beomgyu rambles on as if it was the last time he will ever speak to Taehyun. While saying all of that, he keeps looking on the floor and fiddling with his hands as a way of distracting himself from expecting the worst outcome of the circumstances that they are in.
Taehyun stays quiet for a bit, collecting his thoughts and trying to think of what to reply. He was looking at Beomgyu and analyzing his behavior, trying to think of the most appropriate answer.
"Oh, wow.. I'm sorry, I don't know how to reply to all of that," he says softly and tries to look Beomgyu in the eye, although it seems impossible to do at this time.
"You don't have to reply to it, I just needed to get it off my chest. You can say what you wanted to say," Beomgyu mumbles in a quiet voice, looking up for a quick second before letting his gaze fall back down to the floor.
"Well, what I wanted to do in the first place was inform you of the fact that I am moving out next week and that you should start looking for a new roommate. I also think that it would be best to not talk again, cause I don't think my boyfriend would be comfortable with me entertaining any of my suitors." He speaks with an honest voice, slowly so that Beomgyu can comprehend and accept all that he has said.
Beomgyu steadily nods his head and whispers a quiet "Okay," into the air so thick that one could cut it with a knife. He takes a deep breath and looks at Taehyun one last time before he excuses himself from the room and goes back to his own.
God, I'm such a crybaby, he thinks as tears start running down his cheeks again. He doesn't even bother wiping them, just sitting on the floor between piles of his clothes, both washed and unwashed, staring blankly at his wall.
He keeps on repeating all of his history with Taehyun. Where did it all go wrong? How could he have saved them? Maybe if he apologized better, maybe if he tried harder. Maybe if he was skinnier, maybe if he wasn't full of problems. Maybe, maybe, maybe..
He opens a bag of chips as a way of comforting himself, which only ends up in him being disgusted with himself and crying harder. This is probably why Taehyun hates him, because he is so disgusting. What was even good about him? There was nothing he could do right.
Days pass by, Taehyun and Beomgyu not speaking only for the occasional "hi"s and "hello"s. Beomgyu has noticed their apartment changing slowly, things owned by Taehyun disappearing little by little. He could do nothing but observe these changes and try to accept them.
He starts to look for a new roommate. There was nothing else left to do since he couldn't pay for the rent all by himself. There are multiple options to choose from, Beomgyu having a hard time deciding which person to choose.
Boxes start settling in around the apartment, full of Taehyun's belongings, memories and also his scent. At times when Taehyun isn't home Beomgyu would peek into his room and notice how empty it looks the more days pass.
Now it is the day when he will last see Taehyun. Beomgyu feels empty inside, as if a part of him is leaving with Taehyun too. He feels like he is alone again, even more alone than he felt at times he was ignored by the younger boy. Now it is time to bid goodbye, forever, to his love.
They are both standing at the front door of now only Beomgyu's apartment, staring into each other's eyes as awkward silence envelops them both.
"I guess this is it," Taehyun says into the quiet of their apartment building, no longer standing inside the apartment, rather in front of it
"I guess, yeah," Beomgyu says in a hurt voice. He doesn't mean to sound like that, he simply can't help holding his feelings in. He is hugging himself, trying to find comfort in his own arms.
"Goodbye, Beomgyu. Take care."
"Goodbye, Taehyun."