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Dan Heng is no stranger to nightmares.
He can't go three days in a row without them, nor the cold sweat they come along with. He can keep them at bay for a week every once in a while, with the right amount of insomnia and good luck, but it's but a rare occurrence. As it is, he has long learned to accept them into his life. What's another inconvenience in an already troubled existence?
That's what he usually tells himself, but the moment one of them strikes again all that conviction goes down the drain. The moment he gasps into consciousness and opens his eyes to the stark lights of the Archives–he never sleeps with his lights off, lest he be unpleasantly surprised by an intruder–with his hair and shirt sticking to his skin, his heart pumping maniacally, he feels like a scared child again, willing to do anything in his power to escape the big bad that chases him.
Tonight is one of those nights.
He wakes up the same way he always does, sitting up on his bed, eyes locked on the wall in front of him as his eyes slowly get rid of the last bits of darkness. It takes him a few minutes to come back to his senses. When he does, he closes his eyes, briefly, in case the dreams capture him again, and lets out a sigh.
There's uneasiness in his stomach. It's true he's gotten used to being woken like this, but lately his nightmares have taken a different turn. They feel denser, more… intimate, like a wicked voice whispering in his ear. And those red, haunting eyes…
There's no chance he's going back to sleep. Not with that demon waiting for him on the other side.
He sits against the wall and reaches to the books next to his bed instead. The neat pile he had made with them has been effectively destroyed–yet another joy of being an active dreamer. He usually ends up slapping his arms at anything in the vicinity. He doesn't know why he bothers piling them back up every morning. Someday, he'll simply won't have that willpower.
As soon as he finishes arranging the books someone knocks on his door, almost making him crash it down again. He throws a glance at the clock. It's barely 3am, who could be knocking this hour?
He stays quiet. If it's an emergency, they'll simply come in.
Another knock, but this time it comes in the form of a silly rhythm. Stelle's signature.
Dan Heng relaxes. "Stelle? Is that you?"
"I heard a loud noise. Are you okay?"
He curses. It must've been the books. "I'm fine, I just… The power went off for a second and I tripped, that's all."
"Oh. You shouldn't stay up so late."
"You're also up."
"Hmm."
A long silence follows. Dan Heng stares at the door, waiting for Stelle to go away, but she makes no sound of movement. About a minute goes by like this.
"Stelle…?"
"Yeah?"
"Why are you still there?"
"Oh." Another pause. "There's a nice breeze here."
Dan Heng rubs his eyes. "A… breeze?"
"Yup."
"In space."
Stelle doesn't grant him a response. Much like with his nightmares, Dan Heng has gotten used to her odd personality. She says the most out of pocket stuff, and that's something coming from someone who knows March 7th. He doesn't think he's ever met anyone quite like her.
With a sigh, he gets out of bed and goes open the door. It's not like he was going to sleep, anyway.
Stelle stumbles forward when he opens it, as if she'd been with her ear glued to the door, and scrambles back up with a silly smile, "Howdy."
Dan Heng regards her with a frown. She's all dressed up, despite it being three in the morning. Her gray hair is a jumbled mess. "Why are you dressed? Did you fall asleep on the couch again?"
"Huh? This is how I always sleep."
"Looks uncomfortable."
Stelle looks at her clothes, as if realizing this just now. "Oh. March lent me some of her pajamas but they don't feel right. Too… small."
"Well, you are taller."
"Yeah, but there's just something about them that doesn't click with me, you know?"
"How so?"
Stelle shrugs, "They're too cute."
Dan Heng rubs his eyes. He's not sure what to say to that. They rarely spend time together without March, let alone while everyone else is sleeping, and it feels awkward. Maybe he should've stayed in bed.
"Listen, Stelle, I'm gonna–"
"Can I come in?"
It catches him off guard, so much so he unconsciously holds onto the door. "Come again?"
"I mean, can we… talk? There's been something on my mind, something I've been meaning to talk about with you and March, but since you're awake now…"
Dan Heng throws a look at his room, "Um…"
"Nevermind, I shouldn't have asked–"
"No, it's fine, it's just that my room's all messed up." He runs his fingers through his sweaty hair and winces. And myself.
"That's okay, I don't mind."
Dan Heng hesitates, but Stelle rarely sounds this serious about anything, so he ultimately lets her in. He rushes to his bed and tidies it quickly, throwing a thick cover on top in case the sheets are still damp, then beckons Stelle to sit next to him.
He makes sure to leave a healthy distance between them. The low rumble of the machines fills the space between them, familiar and comforting. Even so, Dan Heng feels oddly nervous. "So," he says, "What is it you wanted to talk about?"
Stelle looks down at her hands. He doesn't think he's ever seen her act this shy, except maybe that time she got her head stuck in a trashcan. "It's rather embarrassing. Maybe it'd be best if I showed you."
She produces a small book Dan Heng has no idea where she was keeping and passes it to him, looking the other way. He recognizes the cover right away. It's one of the illustrated stories March likes to read. This one features two guys hanging out by the river with a great blue sky behind them. "March gave it to me," Stelle says.
"Yes, I figured as much."
"It's a love story."
He'd started to flip through the book, but once she says this he stops. He keeps his eyes on the pages, holding his breath.
Stelle continues, "It's about a boy coming to terms with the fact that he's in love with his friend. Even though he tries to avoid it at first, he can't help the way he feels."
She goes quiet. Dan Heng clears his throat, eyes still on the book, "Go on."
"He, uh, starts to think of how at ease he feels whenever he's with his friend, how he feels warm and fuzzy inside. How it aches when they spend time apart." Stelle looks at him, "I feel that way about you and March."
The machines around them rumble as Dan Heng processes this information. Whenever he finds himself in a tight spot he has a way of rationalizing his thoughts into a logical answer. This time, though, when he opens his lips to speak nothing comes out.
"You don't have to say anything," Stelle says quickly, "I just thought it'd be best if I told you. It's what the boy did."
Dan Heng lets out a slow breath. He's never been confessed to. He didn't even entertain the idea of someone thinking of him in that way. Of someone… Loving him.
He feels like crying. He hates that he does.
Stelle goes on, "When you two found me, I had no idea who I was. I still don't. It used to scare me, but spending all this time with you, getting to confide in and rely on you…You made me not feel that scared anymore. And even if I don't have a real past nor a place to call home, even if I don't know who I really am, if who I am is someone who has you both by my side then I've already won."
Dan Heng's heart sinks. "Stelle… I'm not someone worth loving."
"Of course you are."
"No, I'm not. I'm a mess." He still won't look at her. A moment later, Stelle gingerly places her hand on his, making his chest tighten. "I'm boring. Antisocial. Every time I speak I hurt someone, yet I can't bring myself to stop."
"That's not true."
"I'm dangerous. There's people looking for me."
"That applies to me too." Stelle brushes his palm with her thumb. It makes his stomach buzz. "Dan Heng…"
"I'm proud and arrogant and–"
"I'm not the only one who feels this way. March does too, I'm sure of it, and as to Himeko and Mr. Yang… Can you not see how much they all care about you?"
Dan Heng shakes his head. This isn't supposed to be about him. If only he had stayed in bed…
He sighs and, at last, looks at her. She has a small pout on her face. It almost destroys him. “You only feel this way because I happen to be one of the few people you know,” he says. “The same goes for March. Himeko and Mr. Yang keep me around because I’m useful. They probably pity me as well.”
“I have a feeling that if March was here she’d smack you right across the face.”
Dan Heng can’t help but laugh, “I’m serious.”
“Hi Serious, I’m Stelle, and I don’t believe you!”
She pokes his cheek as she sticks her tongue out, and it’s so very her that it breaks his heart a little bit. "I have no idea what love is supposed to feel like,” he insists, “Be it given or received. I've never even kissed someone."
"Me neither."
Silence falls between them, and the weight of what he just said hits him. He doesn't know why he brought that up. It should be embarrassing, yet the way Stelle is looking at him, that bright, curious gaze, makes the knot in his stomach loosen.
He swallows. Is she expecting him to say something? Should he?
Stelle tilts her head, "Would you… like to?"
If Dan Heng's heartbeat was already picking up, now it skyrockets. It's the polar opposite of waking from a nightmare, yet so very similar. The same urge to run grabs him by the neck, but…
He's so tired of running.
"Yes," he says.
It's immensely awkward at first. Stelle leans forward and places her lips on his, and they stay that way for a few seconds, not really moving. Then, she leans back to look at him. "I think we did something wrong."
Something stirs in Dan Heng's heart at the way her voice breaks, the way the pink on her cheeks deepens. He clears his throat, trying to ignore the fact that his face is suddenly really hot, "We should definitely try again."
This time Dan Heng reaches out with a hesitant hand to hold her face, and he sighs softly as he kisses her again. He has to build strength to keep himself from trembling. Everything feels so fragile. "Is it… okay like this?" he says against her lips, and she nods, leaning into his touch. He takes in a shaky breath as she traps his lower lip between hers and kisses him more intently, placing a shy hand on his chest. Dan Heng tries to calm his heart, ashamed of it, but it only makes it race faster. He's never done anything like this. He's not even sure he's doing it right, but when he parts his lips and Stelle slips her tongue in his mouth he can't bring himself to care.
They kiss for a long while. Dan Heng tangles his fingers in her hair and she pulls from his shirt as she scoots closer, feeling his arms and shoulders with her hands. Soon, the kiss deepens, fastens. His body starts to get hot. He doesn't know how his hands end up around her waist, nor when she pushes him back onto the mattress to press her body against his, but it feels good, too good, and before Dan Heng knows it his blood starts to run south.
"Ah–" He breaks the kiss and pushes her hips up, suddenly very aware of the situation in his pants.
"I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?"
"No, it's just that– Um…" He looks up at her. Her hair is even messier than before, but her face glows in a way he's never seen on her. It's quite striking, and it takes him a moment to gather his thoughts. "I got a little overwhelmed, that's all."
She furrows her eyebrows, "Should we stop?"
He doesn't want to stop. If they keep at it like this he might go crazy, though.
Still holding Stelle's hips, he makes space and guides her gently next to him. Then he puts his weight on his arm and brushes her lips with his thumb, "Can I?"
She nods, and so they keep on kissing, this time with Dan Heng making sure his hips don't come into contact with hers. It's painful, but he manages… that is until Stelle comes closer again. Dan Heng lets out a ragged breath. This time she definitely felt it. She doesn't stop kissing him, though.
"Stelle…" He grabs her hips, but before he can back away she opens her lips against his neck and kisses him. His thoughts turn to dust. She hooks one leg around him, brushing his hips with her body, and a soft moan slips out of him. He covers his mouth, embarrassed.
"Feels so good," Stelle mumbles against his skin, grabbing his waist eagerly as she pulls closer.
Dan Heng has to gather all the willpower in his body to speak, "Stelle… Hold on…"
She does hold on. Dan Heng instantly regrets telling her to do so. He bites his lip, "I've never– I don't know how you feel about… Uh…"
"Can I touch you?"
"Co– Come again?"
"I read it in March's books too and I really want to. Would you like me to?"
His head feels dizzy. It's too much, too fast. "I– I don't want to pressure you into doing that stuff if you don't want to… Let me make you feel good instead–"
"Dan Heng." She pierces him with her yellow gaze, so determined he can't help but obey and shut his mouth. "You're always putting the needs of other people before yours. When is it gonna be your turn?"
Dan Heng purses his lips, unable to find an answer.
"You're not pressuring me into anything," Stelle says, "I'm doing this because I want to. And what I want right now is to give you a handjob so good it's gonna make you forget your own name."
Her directness shocks him, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't make his body heat up. He swallows, "Alright."
"Alright what?"
Of course she'll have him say it. He breathes in and lets it out in one shaky breath, "Please touch me."
Stelle kisses him again, and Dan Heng's body melts against hers. He'd also be lying if he said he wasn't nervous, although everything is happening so quickly any rational thought that crosses his mind doesn't have a long lifespan. As Stelle's hands go down his torso his shoulders loosen up, and that's how he realizes he'd been tensed up until this moment. Ever since he started escaping his ghosts he's been tensed up.
"I'm not an expert," Stelle says, her big eyes looking up at him. Her previous confidence seems to wane a bit, but she still gives him her cheeky smile, "I hope I don't disappoint."
"You wouldn't if you tried your whole life."
Dan Heng cringes inside at the cheesiness of his words. He doesn't have much time to dwell on it, though. The moment Stelle feels him over his sweatpants he breathes in sharply, taking his head backwards.
"Is this okay?"
"Y–yes. Keep going… please."
Stelle smiles wickedly at the plea. Dan Heng's face goes all hot again. He never begs, yet he's done it twice tonight already. Maybe he's already gone mad.
She doesn't beat around the bush, and with a wet kiss that makes the world spin she slips her hand in his pants. Dan Heng moans against her lips as she starts stroking him, her fingers warm around him, squeezing just enough. He doesn't know what to do with himself. He tries to follow Stelle's kiss but keeps throwing his head back, lips parted in silent moans. It makes Stelle kiss his neck instead, which might be worse if he plans to keep his sanity in check.
"Is it good?" Stelle whispers against his jaw.
Dan Heng swallows, "Uh-huh."
"Should I go faster?"
"Yes, but, um, could you… Could you spit on it? On your hand, I mean."
He feels so embarrassed just asking that but she does as he says and it's so, so worth it. She picks up her pace and Dan Heng's hand tightens around her waist, not knowing if to pull her closer or to feel her up, then opting for the first one, still too self-conscious to fully let go and touch her breasts. Heat starts pooling in his stomach as she keeps on stroking him, his pants and her kisses the only sounds in the room besides the computers, any last remnant of the fear he felt when he woke up dissolving in the space around them which seems to be pulling them closer, closer…
"Stelle," Dan Heng manages to say, "I'm– I'm gonna cum."
Stelle licks his neck in response, a hot, wet trail from his collarbone to his jaw, and it's all Dan Heng needs to go over the edge.
He cums around Stelle's fingers with a ragged breath. He puts his hand around Stelle's so she slows her pace as he keeps cumming, messing up his shirt and stomach. When he's done, he collapses against the mattress, even though he was already laying down, and closes his eyes with a sigh. He thinks he passes out for a second.
"Dan Heng? You alright?"
He nods, blinking his eyes open, "I'm alright."
"Was it good?"
"So good. Thank you." Stelle's face brightens up as she smiles. It makes his heart clench. He realizes he's still holding onto her hand, which is still holding onto his cock, which is now covered in cum, and sits up, "Oh, Aeons, I'm so sorry, I've made such a mess–"
"It's okay!"
"I'm sorry, let me just…" He turns to look for handkerchiefs, or a towel, or anything he can clean up the mess with. He usually gets off in the shower so he doesn't have anything at hand. After a moment of consideration, he looks at Stelle with a wince, "Sorry, I might have to use my own shirt to clean it up. You can look the other way if it makes you uncomfortable."
"Uncomfortable?"
"Seeing me shirtless."
"Oh." She blinks. "I, uh, I don't mind. At all."
He takes it off, careful not to come into contact with the cum already on it, and proceeds to clean Stelle's hand gingerly. He feels her eyes on him, and he didn't think he'd have it in him to blush yet again but he does. She leans in to give him a quick kiss, and he gives her a surprised look.
"I just thought you looked really cute," she says.
Dan Heng tries to suppress his smile as he goes back to cleaning, "Shut up…"
Once he's done, he throws the shirt far from the bed and turns to kiss Stelle. It feels more natural now, like they've accustomed to each other's lips. "Will you let me touch you, now?"
Stelle's expression shifts into an uncertain one, her eyebrows furrowed. "I'd… rather not."
"Oh." He leans back a bit, "I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?"
"No! You did great! I mean– You– It just doesn't feel right when I, um… touch myself down there, so I'd rather leave it alone. It's hard to explain."
"It's okay."
"It's like… like I wasn't supposed to have this body." She looks away, "It's stupid, I know."
"It's not stupid. Do you feel this way often?"
Stelle shrugs. She doesn't say any more, but there's a distant look in her eyes, like she's remembering something. Dan Heng figures it'd be best not to push her. "Is there something else you'd rather do?"
Her yellow eyes glint as she looks back at him, hiding her mouth behind a timid hand. "Could we, maybe… cuddle?"
Dan Heng smiles. "Sure. Let me get a shirt first."
All of his shirts are black, so it doesn't take him long to decide on one to change into. Before he goes back he hesitates, and then grabs another shirt and a pair of pants. He hands the neatly folded pile to Stelle, who gives him a puzzled look. "I figured these are bigger than March's pajamas," he says, "and less… what did you call them? Cute?"
Stelle looks at the clothes with wide eyes, like it's a treasure she just dug out of a trash can. "These are for me?"
"If you want them. They might be a bit too loose, tho–"
Dan Heng's air gets knocked off his chest as Stelle rushes forward, wrapping her arms around him, "They're perfect! Thank you!"
Despite being so intimate just moments ago, he still feels self-conscious before hugging her back. It'll be a long time before he drops that habit. "It's no problem. I feel a bit bad, they're not even new."
"That's even better. Now I have something that's yours."
Her words do strange things to his chest. A small laugh escapes him, "If you say so."
They get under the covers and cuddle, Stelle's arm wrapped around his waist and her cheek pressed to his shoulder. Dan Heng thinks it'd be impossible for him to fall asleep with his heart in such a state, but Stelle's body is so warm he actually starts to doze off.
"I get nightmares too," Stelle whispers.
Dan Heng tenses. He's never told anyone about his nightmares, and even though getting them could be considered normal in the grand scheme of things, his have always felt like a personal attack, a weakness he can't get rid off. So of course his first instinct is to put up a wall. But then Stelle's arms tighten around him, and she nuzzles the crook of his neck, and Dan Heng feels like crying again. He raises a hesitant hand and pats her head softly, "Tonight, you won't."
Stelle's smile spreads against his neck, giving him a soft buzz of electricity. He closes his eyes.
For once, there are no monsters waiting to greet him on the other side.