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A Stroll Down Memory Lane

There was, Merlin was certain, a herd of wild boar stampeding through his head. That was the only explanation he could think of for the absolute pounding in his skull and for the fact that he thought he might be dying. He was certain that he could hear voices, but they kept drifting in and out, and he couldn’t understand what they were saying.

It seemed as though he had more movement than he had initially thought, and he did a quick inventory to see what the damage was. All his limbs seemed to be intact, and he could wiggle his fingers and toes, too. His body felt heavy, but he could move it. If only he could stop the ringing in his ears, he might be able to stir himself properly.

“I think he’s trying to wake up. Gaius! Come and look at him.”

“Calm yourself, sire. It still might be some time yet.”

“His hand was twitching. His foot, too. I think he might have been trying to move his head.”

“Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me?”

Gaius’s voice was unmistakable, and Merlin thought that perhaps the other voice belonged to Arthur. That was a nice thought. If Merlin was ill, or if he was indeed harbouring hogs in his head, it was nice to think that Arthur might be concerned.

“Merlin? Come on now, wake up. We’re waiting for you.”

“Mmph,” was all that Merlin could properly manage, but he forced himself to open his eyes, and found himself blinking against the brightness of the room.

“There we go, my lad,” Gaius said, and Merlin tried to focus properly on him.

“Head,” Merlin rasped.

“I know. I’ll give you something to help with the pain. Arthur, come and help him to sit up,” Gaius instructed.

Merlin felt the bed dip as Arthur sat beside him, and it was only then that Merlin realised where he was. He frowned, as Arthur slid an arm behind his back and helped him to shift upwards, then said, “Why am I in your chambers?”

“What?”

“Now then,” Gaius said, handing Merlin a vial of something that smelled foul, “drink that all down in one go.”

Merlin did as he was told and grimaced at the bitter taste. He handed the empty vial back to Gaius, then looked up at Arthur in confusion. It was one thing for the man to help him to sit up, but Arthur was now holding him, with one arm around his shoulders and the other resting on Merlin’s upper arm.

“What happened?” Merlin asked, feeling most disconcerted.

“We think you were hit with some sort of spell,” Gaius said. “It wasn’t malicious in its intent, but it interacted with your magic.”

Merlin froze. How could Gaius betray him so casually? How could he expose him like that in front of Arthur after Merlin had spent so long keeping it a secret? Merlin scrambled for words, and looked up at Arthur, as he sputtered, “Arthur, I’m so sorry. Please let me explain. I…I do have magic, but I would only ever use it for you, and I – ”

“Merlin, what on earth are you going on about?” Arthur asked, looking thoroughly bemused.

“I’m sorry for keeping it hidden from you, but I couldn’t tell you, I just couldn’t…but…but I swear that I use it to protect you, to…to – ”

“My love, you’re beginning to sound ever-so-slightly insane.”

Merlin snapped his mouth shut in utter shock, and blinked up at Arthur. He felt as though he had been smacked around the head and dunked into ice-cold water at the same time.

“What did you just call me?” he whispered.

“Merlin,” Gaius interjected quickly, “can you tell me what your position is in the castle?”

“What kind of a question is that?” Merlin asked, wondering if he was, in fact, going mad.

“Please just answer it,” Gaius said calmly.

“Well, I’m Arthur’s manservant, obviously,” Merlin said, feeling completely confused.

“Oh hell,” Arthur breathed, as he scooted out from behind Merlin and moved to stand beside Gaius. “You really think you’re my manservant?”

“Of course I bloody well am! Why is everyone behaving like I’m the one who’s crazy? Why am I in your chambers, and why, in the name of God, did you call me ‘my love’?”

Arthur and Gaius both opened their mouths, but whatever their responses might have been, they were cut off by the door banging open. Merlin stared in shock as two children, roughly eight and twelve years old, came barrelling into the room and made their way over to the bed.

“Ygraine! I told you that Grandpa said we weren’t allowed in yet,” the boy said.

“Oh hush,” the girl said dismissively. “Look, he’s awake! I wasn’t going to wait any longer.”

“Perhaps it might be best if you two went to go and see Auntie Gwen and Uncle Lance for the rest of the afternoon,” Arthur said, moving to shepherd the children out of the room, while Merlin stared at them in bewilderment. There was something oddly familiar about them, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Oh, Pa. Don’t send us away,” the girl moaned.

“Pa?” Merlin echoed incredulously. “They’re your children?”

“Well – ”

“Oh,” the boy said, moving nearer the bed, and eyeing Merlin closely. “He doesn’t remember, does he?”

“Matthew, sweetheart, I think perhaps we should let him rest for the time being.”

Matthew seemed to ignore Arthur, and kept his focus fixed on Merlin. He sat on the edge of the bed, facing Merlin, and smiled gently at him. He had such a beautiful face, and there was such a quiet softness to him that Merlin felt somehow calmed. He looked so much like Arthur, but his hair was darker, and his eyes were a different shade of blue.

Unable to stop himself, Merlin reached out and rested his hand on Matthew’s cheek. He met Matthew’s kind eyes, and he felt something stir deeply within his chest. He knew this boy, and he felt utterly certain that he loved him, too. “Are you mine?” he asked in a whisper, the knowledge coming to him like a bolt of lightning.

“Yes, Adda,” Matthew said, taking Merlin’s hand.

“So am I,” the girl said, stepping forward, and Merlin stared at her in wonder. “Don’t you know us?”

Merlin looked up at Arthur, feeling as though he had drunk all the wine in Camelot’s cellars, and whispered, “These are our children?”

Arthur smiled at him, and Merlin’s stomach fluttered, as Arthur replied, “Yes, my love. They are.”

“You and Pa have been married for 14 years,” Matthew told him. “Then I came along, and then Ygraine,” he said, nodding to his sister.

“I think that’s enough for now,” Gaius said gently. “This will all be a great shock to you, my boy, and you’ll need some time to adjust.”

“But…my memories,” Merlin protested.

“I’ll look into it, never fear,” Gaius assured him. “We’ll have you right as rain in no time.”

“You’ll remember, Adda,” Matthew said, giving Merlin’s hand a squeeze. “I know you will.”

He leant forward and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s neck, while Ygraine scrambled up onto the bed, and joined in the hug. Merlin was completely overwhelmed, but he brought his arms up instinctively to encircle them both. He couldn’t remember these precious children, but he remembered this. He remembered how it felt to hold them in his arms, and know that they were his. He was filled with a dizzying rush of love, and he held his children tightly, as emotion welled up inside him.

“Come on, you two,” Arthur said, his voice thick. “You can come and see your father later. Gaius, would you please take them to Gwen and Lance, and explain the situation?”

“Of course. Come on now,” Gaius said, as Matthew and Ygraine let go of Merlin.

“We will be allowed to see him again, won’t we?” Ygraine asked, and Merlin smiled at how fierce she looked.

“You have my word,” Gaius said with a smile. “You know I wouldn’t be so foolish as to try and stop you.”

“We’ll see you later, Adda. Stay in bed and get better,” Ygraine told Merlin, and he thought it wise not to argue with her.

Merlin watched them go, and had the urge to call them back. He wanted to hold them again, to study their faces and see what traits of his own he could see there. He wanted to learn who they were, and what their personalities were like. He knew that he should be losing his mind over this sudden knowledge of fatherhood, but there was something deep within him that recognised his children, and loved them completely.

“Are they really ours?” he asked Arthur, as Arthur took a seat by the bed.

“They really are,” Arthur replied with a smile.

“But…but how?”

“Oh, don’t ask me to explain how the magic worked. A couple of years after we were married, we found out that you were expecting Matthew.”

“I carried him?” Merlin asked incredulously.

Arthur nodded. “Neither of us knew how; even Gaius was flabbergasted. A couple of years later, the same thing happened with Ygraine. Your magic is just that powerful.”

“My head’s spinning,” Merlin said, and Arthur reached for his hand.

“It’s a lot to take in.”

“That’s an understatement.” He leant back against the pillows and properly looked at Arthur for the first time. He hadn’t registered the differences when he had first woken up, but he could see now that this Arthur wasn’t the one he remembered. “You’re older,” he said, and Arthur laughed.

“So are you. You’ll probably get a shock when you look in a mirror.”

“In my mind, I’m only just twenty. I’m running around Camelot, trying to keep a dozen secrets and trying to pretend I’m not wildly in love with you. Apparently, I was unsuccessful.”

“Yes,” Arthur said, with amusement, “you were.”

Merlin looked down at their entwined hands, and swallowed around the lump in his throat. He took a shaky breath, and said quietly, “It doesn’t seem real that we’re married. How on earth – ”

“We loved one another, it’s as simple as that.”

“I doubt anything between us was ever simple,” Merlin said sceptically.

“Fair enough,” Arthur conceded with an easy smile, “but that’s the bare bones of it. We had our obstacles to overcome, of course, but we made it through.”

“And we’re happy?” Merlin asked. “Truly?”

“We are,” Arthur confirmed, giving Merlin’s hand a squeeze. “And you’re a wonderful father. I don’t think anything has ever given you more pride or pleasure.”

 “I never thought I’d have children. I didn’t ever think I’d get the opportunity. The moment I saw them, though…it was as though my heart spoke to them.”

“Well, your memory loss hasn’t affected your romantic sensibilities,” Arthur said with a grin. “But I understand the sentiment. I believe I would know them under any circumstances.”

“What if…what if I don’t get my memory back?” Merlin ventured cautiously.

“You will,” Arthur said with certainty. “And if you don’t, then we’ll make new ones together.”

“And you accuse me of being a romantic.”

“I was perfectly sensible until you came and stole my heart,” Arthur returned. “Now, get some sleep, and we’ll see what answers Gaius can come up with.”

“Will you stay with me?” Merlin asked.

Arthur raised Merlin’s hand to his lips, and pressed a soft kiss to Merlin’s knuckles, as he said, “Of course I will. Maybe, when you next wake, you’ll be back to normal again.”

Merlin wasn’t back to normal when he next woke. He had no memories beyond being 20 years old and being Arthur’s manservant, while pining away for him like a lovesick twit. Gaius said that it was a good idea for Arthur and the children to tell Merlin stories about his life with them, in the hope that it might jog something, but they had had no success so far.

It turned out that it had been an accident, and not a malicious attack. Some youngsters had been playing about in the marketplace, teasing one another with magic, and a stray spell had managed to hit Merlin as he walked past. Gaius was researching how magic could affect memory loss, and what steps could be taken to reverse it, but it seemed that all they could do was wait.

Matthew and Ygraine spent all their time telling Merlin about his life in Camelot, while Arthur gently corrected some of the details they got wrong. Merlin relished every second he spent with his children, still absolutely flabbergasted that they were his children. He couldn’t remember them, but it didn’t seem to matter. He knew them on some fundamental level, and he loved them both so fiercely that it quite took his breath away.

Matthew was the most gentle soul, with the kindest heart, and the softest eyes that seemed to hold wisdom beyond his years. He spoke like an old man sometimes, and it was clear that he lived in his own little world, and that everyone accepted it.

Ygraine was a firebrand. She was feisty and clever, and she had no intention of taking no for an answer on anything. She was fiercely loyal, and quite obviously protective of Matthew, despite being the younger sibling. She was sharp and witty, and Merlin pitied anyone who ended up on her bad side.

Merlin adored them both, and he was so happy that the feeling seemed to be mutual. He had never considered fatherhood, but he had always liked children. He was relieved to learn that he was a good father, that his children loved him and were comfortable enough to demonstrate it. He had examined the twin scars on his abdomen, fascinated by them, and hardly able to believe that he himself had carried his and Arthur’s children.

“That’s magic for you,” Arthur said, as he sat with Ygraine on his lap, while Matthew sat in the window seat with a book balanced on his knees. “There’s no rhyme or reason to it.”

Merlin looked at the tableau the three of them made and smiled. It had been a surprise to learn that Arthur had been the one to insist that they didn’t employ nursemaids or nannies. They had brought children up themselves, and had built a real family life over the years. Watching Arthur interact with Ygraine and Matthew was one of the most wonderful things Merlin had ever witnessed, and he couldn’t keep his eyes off them.

Arthur was a brilliant father. He was kind and patient, and he didn’t shy away from showering the children with affection. His love for them was palpable, and Merlin was overwhelmed by it. He couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that he and Arthur had made these little miracles, and that they were sharing the journey of parenthood together.

“Right, you two, it’s time for your lessons,” Arthur said, shifting Ygraine off his lap. “Matthew, my love, put that book away and take your sister to see Master Llewellyn.”

“I like him,” Ygraine said, with an approving nod, as she reached for a ribbon and snatched her curls up into some approximation of a ponytail.

“You scared the last one off,” Matthew said, dog-earing the page he had been reading, and placing his book to one side. “And the one before that.”

“I can’t help it if our previous tutors have been spineless,” Ygraine said, with a shrug, and Merlin couldn’t help but laugh.

“She’s definitely your daughter,” Arthur told him, with a smirk. “Now go on, off with you both.”

“Adda, please try and get your memory back,” Ygraine said, on her way out of the room. “It’s getting very tiring having to explain everything to you.”

“Well, that told me,” Merlin said with a snort, as the children left.

“She says whatever’s on her mind, and never apologises for it,” Arthur said, as he came to sit beside Merlin in front of the fire. “I admire her honesty sometimes.”

“She’s wonderful. They both are. I’ve been so enjoying spending time with them.”

“I don’t think you would have had a choice in the matter to be honest. They wouldn’t have been kept away from you.”

“We’re quite the family, aren’t we? It’s lovely to watch you with them, Arthur. You’re a wonderful father.”

Arthur smiled, and said, “It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s hard to think that when we first found out we were having Matthew I was less than thrilled.”

“Really?” Merlin asked in surprise. Having watched Arthur with their children, Merlin couldn’t imagine him being anything other than thoroughly devoted and completely besotted.

Arthur nodded, and said, “I was so shocked, and totally unprepared for it.”

“It must have been a huge surprise, but – Oh! Ow!” Merlin hissed, as he felt a sharp pain behind his eyes.

“Merlin? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“My head,” Merlin said, as the pain intensified. “It’s thumping.”

He was about to ask if Arthur could go and fetch a tonic from Gaius, when his vision began to swim. He felt dizzy and light-headed, and he felt Arthur’s hand on his back, before everything went black.

~*~*~*~

“A baby? What do you mean, a baby?”

“A baby, sire,” Gaius said, and Merlin watched, as Arthur continued to blink at the man incredulously.

“That…that’s just not possible,” Arthur spluttered.

“It shouldn’t be possible, I agree, but Merlin’s magic is so powerful, it’s managed to create a new life,” Gaius said, and Merlin’s hand went to his abdomen, as he sat in stunned silence.

“This is insanity,” Arthur said, raking a hand through his hair, and leaving it in a mess. “Merlin can’t possibly carry a baby! Who knows what dangers this will pose? We can’t...we can’t countenance it.”

“Gaius, would you mind leaving us for now?” Merlin asked quietly.

“Of course. I have some research to do, and hopefully some answers to find,” Gaius said, before he gave them both a bow and left their chambers.

“Good luck,” Arthur said with a moody growl, before he flung himself down in his chair.

Merlin looked at him, feeling disappointed and hurt beyond measure. He had thought that the news they were having a baby was a good thing, the best thing, but Arthur’s reaction was so upsetting that he felt on the verge of tears.

“You don’t want the baby,” Merlin said, trying to keep his voice even.

Arthur looked up at him, almost seeming surprised that Merlin was there. “I…” he began. “It isn’t that I don’t want it – ”

“You’re not exactly happy,” Merlin accused.

“I’m worried, Merlin. This is…beyond the realm of anything I can understand, and I can’t make any sense of it.”

“Don’t you think I feel the same way? It’s me that this is happening to, my body that will change. I’m absolutely terrified, but I’m happy. Hell, I’m thrilled! We’re having a baby, Arthur. A baby.”

“I’m well aware of that,” Arthur said, biting the words out, “but God only knows what it will do to you.”

“I’ll be fine,” Merlin argued.

“You don’t know that! No one does! I’m sorry, Merlin, but until I know that you’ll be safe, I can’t be happy about this.”

He pushed his chair back from the desk and left the room with haste. Merlin watched him leave, and did his best to hold back the tears. Babies were meant to be happy news, but Arthur was clearly far from happy, and Merlin found it extremely hurtful.

He wanted this baby, more than words could adequately express, and he wanted so badly to share that excitement with Arthur. His magic had taken all the love between them, and created a new life from it, and Merlin was so overwhelmed by that thought, it was all he could focus on. He hoped desperately that Arthur would come around, because Merlin couldn’t wait to be a father, and he wanted Arthur to feel that way, too.

~*~*~*~

Merlin looked up from the book he was reading and smiled. He had told Arthur to leave Matthew to sleep, but the man found it impossible to leave their son alone for more than five minutes straight. He was walking up and down the room with Matthew in his arms, looking down at him with the soppiest expression on his face.

It had been six weeks since Matthew had been born, and Merlin had never witnessed so great a change as the one that had taken place in Arthur. From the minute Matthew had been placed in his arms, Arthur had been absolutely besotted. Merlin had watched, transfixed, as Arthur had fallen head over heels in love with their son, and all his fears over Arthur not being able to love Matthew had evaporated. Merlin had never seen someone so utterly in love, and he couldn’t stop watching Arthur with their child.

“Oh, hello. Are you waking up, my love?” Arthur cooed.

“He’s waking up because you picked him up when I told you not to,” Merlin said, closing his book and trying to look stern.

“He was stirring when I picked him up,” Arthur protested.

“He was not, and you know it,” Merlin said with a laugh.

“Ok, look at him, Merlin,” Arthur said, as he brought Matthew over to sit beside him. “Isn’t he the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen?”

“You would say that, when he looks so much like you.”

Arthur tilted Matthew towards Merlin, and said, “Look at that face. He’s an angel.”

“He is,” Merlin agreed, as he reached out and stroked Matthew’s plump cheek. “He’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Can you believe we made him? He’s ours,” Arthur said, his voice full of the same wonder it had carried for the past six weeks.

“And you’re still determined we raise him ourselves?” Merlin asked teasingly, already fully aware of the answer.

“Of course. I’m not having strangers looking after my son. I want to be the one to comfort him when he wakes in the night; I want our faces to be the ones he looks for, not some nursemaid’s.”

“Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine you’d be like this,” Merlin said, as he watched Matthew blinking up at them, as he awoke properly.

“I’m not surprised after the way I behaved. Merlin, I’m so sorry for the way I acted while you were carrying him.”

“Oh, that’s all behind us now. What matters is that you love him now, and that you’ll be a wonderful father. Matthew’s lucky to have you.”

“And you, my love. I do believe all three of us are the luckiest people in the land.”

Merlin kept having sharp headaches, followed by the return of a memory. Other things came to him in dribs and drabs, but it was unpredictable and out of order, chronologically. A lot of the memories didn’t make sense, without context, and Merlin was frustrated that it didn’t all come back in one go.

He enjoyed seeing many of the memories, especially the ones that involved the children. He and Arthur had such a wonderful family life, and Matthew and Ygraine were a testament to that happiness. One of Merlin’s favourite memories that had resurfaced so far was that of Ygraine finding a dragon’s egg and hatching it, raising the damn thing herself. Apparently, the dragon now lived in the woods, and was Ygraine’s pride and joy.

While there seemed to be ample memories flooding in about the children, Merlin was irritated that nothing seemed to be forthcoming about his relationship with Arthur. He caught glimpses of their marriage in the memories he saw of the children, and he could see that it was a happy one, but he had no idea of the actual details.

It still seemed to be far beyond the realm of probability that they were married, even when Merlin was confronted with the evidence of his own children. Arthur was so kind and attentive, and he had made it clear to Merlin that he would refrain from showing too much affection while Merlin wasn’t himself. He had even taken to sleeping in the antechamber that had once served as a nursery, as he didn’t feel it was appropriate to share a bed with Merlin in his present state.

Still, he was warm and loving, something he just couldn’t stop himself from being. Merlin basked in it, if he was honest, and there were times when he simply sat and drank in the looks that Arthur would give him. It was staggering to think that his feelings were reciprocated, that Arthur had been pining for him just as much as Merlin had been, and that those feelings had evolved into a long and happy marriage.

“You were by my side for so long,” Arthur said, as they sat and talked about it one evening, after the children had gone to bed. “To be honest, I didn’t even realise we’d become friends until it dawned on me that I was attracted to you. I took it for granted that you’d always be by my side.”

“There was nowhere else I wanted to be,” Merlin said, feeling himself blush at the admission.

“You were invaluable to me, Merlin, in so many ways. I think it was brought home to me after my father’s death.”

~*~*~*~

The cold light of dawn began to creep through the windows, and Arthur realised that he had been sitting in the throne room all night. He rubbed a hand over his face, and swallowed to try and alleviate the dryness in his mouth. He looked at his father’s body, and felt another wave of grief wash over him.

They had known that this was coming. Uther had been ill for months, and Gaius had told Arthur that there was nothing that could be done. Still, Arthur hadn’t been able to stop himself from harbouring some frail hope that something might have been done to save Uther. Now, all hope was gone, and Arthur had lost his father and his king in one fell swoop.

He took a deep breath, and pushed himself off his knees and up to his feet. His whole body ached, but he barely registered it. He stepped forward and pressed a kiss to Uther’s forehead, as he whispered, “Goodbye, Father. May you be guided safely to our forebears.”

He straightened his clothes and did his best to gather himself, before he headed for the doors. He opened them, and stopped when he found Merlin asleep on the floor outside the room, his back resting against the bottom of the stairs. Arthur looked at him, as something tender settled in the centre of his chest.

“Merlin,” he said, his voice echoing off the stone walls.

Merlin stirred and looked up at Arthur, before he got to his feet, and said, “Arthur.”

“Have you been here all night?”

“I didn’t want to leave you. I wanted to stay close by, in case you needed…someone.”

“I don’t deserve you, Merlin.”

“Of course you do. Come on, you must be exhausted.”

“There are things I need to organise,” Arthur said, but all he really wanted to do was shut himself away in his chambers and admit no one but Merlin.

“I’ve done everything that needs to be done. I just need your signature on a few things, but they can wait.”

“Oh, Merlin. I don’t know what I’d do with you.”

“Come. Let me take care of you.”

Merlin placed his hand on Arthur’s back and led him back to his chambers. He helped Arthur to change into a fresh set of clothes, then had some food brought up from the kitchens. He encouraged Arthur to eat, while he wrote notices that were to be given to Leon and a few select others that Arthur wasn’t to be disturbed for a couple of days, unless an emergency was taking place.

“Would you like me to leave you?” Merlin asked, as he finished tidying the room.

“That’s the last thing I want,” Arthur said, pushing his half-eaten food aside. “Please stay.” He took a deep breath, and said, “I’m not prepared for this, Merlin.”

“I’m not sure if anyone’s ready to deal with the loss of a parent.”

“No, not that. Well, I mean, yes that, but…I don’t know if I’m ready to be king.”

“Arthur,” Merlin said gently, “you’ve been king for months. Uther wasn’t able to rule, or be involved in the day-to-day running of the kingdom. You’ve taken that burden on your shoulders, and you’ve risen to the challenge admirably. You’re ready; you’ve been ready for a long time.”

“But what if…what if I’m not as strong a king as he was? What if I let the kingdom fall? What if – ”

“You’re the best thing that’s happened to Camelot, Arthur,” Merlin said, rounding the table, and kneeling beside Arthur’s chair. “Camelot needs a ruler who’s fair and just; someone who cares for every citizen, and not just the nobles. The people love you, Arthur, and you’ll be a wonderful king.”

Arthur took hold of Merlin’s hand, and said, “Do you truly believe that?”

“I always have. I always will.”

“Well, I don’t think I can do this without you, so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

Merlin gave him a gentle smile, and said, “That was always going to be the case, Arthur. I could never leave your side, not for anything.”

“Because of a sense of duty?” Arthur asked cautiously.

“No, Arthur,” Merlin said softly. “Not because of duty.”

“Well,” Arthur said, squeezing Merlin’s hand, “I’d say that makes me a lucky man.”

Merlin stood up, and said, “You’ve been awake all night, Arthur. Why don’t you try and get some sleep?”

He helped Arthur to his feet, and kept hold of his hand, while the other settled in the small of Arthur’s back. He guided Arthur over to the bed, then released his hold, as he turned down the covers. Arthur watched him, and lamented the loss of Merlin’s reassuring hand on his back. The bed suddenly looked awfully big and cold, and he felt as small and lost as he had done when he was a boy.

“You haven’t slept either,” Arthur said, feeling a kind of panic wash over him at the thought that he would be left alone, without Merlin’s comforting presence.

“Oh, I’ll manage. I caught a few snatches here and there in the corridor, anyway.”

“But that isn’t enough,” Arthur protested. “You…you could sleep here…with me.”

“Well…I suppose…I suppose I could sleep on the floor,” Merlin said, casting a look around the room.

“No, I didn’t mean that,” Arthur said, feeling like he was tying himself up in knots. He frowned down at his shoes, and felt utterly overwhelmed with sadness and exhaustion.

He felt a finger slide beneath his chin, and Merlin gently tilted his head back up until their eyes met. “Would you like me to stay with you?” Merlin asked, and Arthur felt undone by the question.

“Please,” Arthur whispered. “I don’t want to be alone. No, that’s not what I mean…What I mean is that I don’t want to be without you.”

“Oh,” Merlin said softly, and so much seemed to hang on that one word.

Arthur slipped under the covers, and held them aside for Merlin, who hesitated for a moment, before he tentatively slid in beside him. Arthur turned on his side, and tried to control his breathing, as he fumbled for the right words to use. He was beginning to feel rather mortified, when he felt an arm slide over his waist, and he was pulled against Merlin’s chest.

“I’ve got you,” Merlin said softly, his breath dancing over the back of Arthur’s neck.

The tears came before Arthur could stop them, and Merlin held him while he sobbed. He should have felt embarrassed, ashamed, but he didn’t. He felt cared for, cherished, and he let the tears fall, as he lay safe within Merlin’s arms.

~*~*~*~

“I think I fell in love with you in that moment,” Arthur said, as he finished recounting the story. “I realised that in the hardest time of my life, you were the person I wanted at my side. I wanted to face everything with you, and never be parted from you.”

“That’s quite a declaration,” Merlin said, feeling rather emotional after Arthur’s story. “I’d always striven to serve you well, perhaps not quite as a conventional servant – ”

“No,” Arthur laughed, “you were never that.”

Merlin smiled, and said, “But after a while, it wasn’t about protecting you, as much as it was about…loving you.” He shook his head, and said, “I feel so embarrassed admitting that out loud. It’s like I’m doing it for the first time, even though I know I’m not.”

“You’ve said it many times, my love,” Arthur said fondly, then added, “Do you mind me calling you that? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, I don’t mind, not at all. It’s nice, actually. I suppose I didn’t expect you to be so open with your emotions, so demonstrative.”

“Well, that’s a lesson I’ve had to learn, but I’ve had an excellent teacher,” Arthur said warmly. “Becoming a father helped, too. I couldn’t hide my feelings when it came to Matthew and Ygraine, and I wouldn’t want to. I want our children to know how loved they are.”

“That’s very evident. You clearly adore them.”

“I’m a terrible sap, and I know it. It would have been nice if I’d been a little more in touch with my feelings years ago; then I might have realised that I was in love with you, and dealt with it accordingly.”

“Matthew told me the story of our first kiss,” Merlin said, feeling a little embarrassed. “He said you engineered the trip away to have some time alone with me.”

“I was always doing things like that,” Arthur said with a snort. “I was such a hopeless cause.”

~*~*~*~

“This trip to Nemeth…”

“Yes?” Merlin prompted, looking up from doing a bad job of folding Arthur’s shirts.

“Perhaps…perhaps we could go alone.”

Merlin frowned, and said, “It’s an official visit, Arthur; you can’t go without a proper retinue. It’ll look very poor.”

Arthur slumped in his chair, and tried not to sulk. It had been six months since his coronation, and he hadn’t had a moment to himself since. More specifically, he’d had barely any time alone with Merlin, and it was starting to bother him.

“Well, maybe we could go a day or two ahead of the party?”

“Why?” Merlin asked, and Arthur resisted the urge to throw something at him.

He decided to go for a version of the truth, and said, “I need to get away from people. I haven’t been on my own for a single moment since I became king, and it’s driving me mad.”

“Well, if you want to be alone, won’t going with me rather defeat the purpose?”

“You don’t count,” Arthur said, wanting to throttle him.

“Charming.”

“So, what do you say? Shall we go on ahead?” Arthur pressed.

“If you’re so set on it, I suppose so,” Merlin replied, and Arthur tried not to feel too stung at the fact that Merlin didn’t seem to be reciprocating the desire for some time alone time with him.

“Right…well, I’ll tell Leon then.”

Leon couldn’t understand why Arthur was travelling on ahead, but agreed to it, nevertheless. Arthur and Merlin readied their things, and set off from Camelot three days before the others were due to leave. Arthur was thrilled, although he tried to hide it, and he was ecstatic at the idea of having Merlin to himself for three whole days.

Something had shifted between them since Uther’s death, but Arthur didn’t have a name for it. He had been so overwhelmed at how Merlin had held him in his grief, and he wouldn’t have survived the days after without the man’s gentle help and support. He found himself losing time just looking at Merlin, and sometimes reminiscing about how wonderful it had been to be held by him.

He was desperate for Merlin’s company, but then, hadn’t that always been the case? Hadn’t he always spent more time with Merlin than anyone else? He had always thought that it was something that happened by accident, rather than by design; Merlin was his manservant, so naturally they were always in one another’s company. But, when Arthur thought about it, they elected to share their time, and did so with great frequency.

Now, though, that need to be with Merlin seemed to have increased tenfold, and Arthur didn’t know what to do about it. He was torn between feeling as though Merlin was the only person he could truly be himself around, and feeling so tied up in knots around him he could barely get a sentence out anymore.

“Are you happy now?” Merlin asked, as they rode side by side on horseback through the woods.

“The sun’s shining, I’m out in the fresh air, and no one is making any claims on my time. Yes, I’m happy,” Arthur said, unable to temper his smile.

“The last few months have been a bit manic,” Merlin conceded. “It’s been hard to catch a moment, just the two of us.”

“Yes, exactly,” Arthur said, trying not to sound too excited. “I know I’m the king, and I don’t take that lightly, but I’m also just a man, a man who would quite like to spend some time with his friend.”

The smile that Merlin gave him was so incredibly soft that Arthur felt something flutter in his chest. He swallowed around the dryness in his mouth, and told himself to behave and stop being so damn flustered. He was such an embarrassment sometimes.

They rode at a gentle pace for the rest of the day, and chatted about nothing and everything. Arthur had always found it so easy to talk to Merlin, even in the earliest days of their acquaintance, and it felt so natural to just chat with him, in ways he couldn’t do with anyone else.

They found a lovely little spot by a gentle river, and set up camp for the night. Arthur watched as the horses grazed, and listened as a thrush sang a little ditty in a nearby tree. He stretched out on his bedroll, and said, “Is there anything more pleasant than this?”

Merlin smiled as he stirred the stew he was making, and said, “Some kings like lavish banquet halls and hordes of riches. You like a quiet campsite by a river and a homemade stew.”

“I’m a simple man.”

“Well, you said it.”

“It’s nice though, isn’t it?” Arthur asked, as a warm breeze swept through the clearing. “A bit of peace and quiet, and somewhat tolerable company.”

“You’re so transparent,” Merlin said, dishing the stew out.

“Am I?” Arthur said, feeling a slight sense of panic.

“Of course you are. I know I’m your favourite. Why don’t you just admit it?”

“Well, it’s rather slim pickings to choose from.”

“I’ll tell the others you said that,” Merlin said, handing Arthur a bowl of stew, as he sat beside him. “And I notice that you still haven’t denied that I’m your favourite.”

“There’s no point arguing with a madman.”

They ate their dinner by the river, and the horses had a gentle wander through the trees. Arthur and Merlin chatted away happily, as they had done all day, and Arthur felt all the tension fall from his shoulders as the evening continued.

“Are you looking forward to seeing Mithian?” Merlin asked, as he tidied away the dinner things.

“I suppose so. It isn’t really a social thing, more to secure the ties between the two kingdoms.”

“But you like Mithian, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course. She’s lovely. I can’t imagine anyone not liking her.”

Merlin nodded, as he looked contemplative, and said, “I suppose, now you’re king, you’ll be looking towards a real alliance, something that a…a marriage would achieve.”

“Marriage?” Arthur echoed, the word going through him like a knife.

“Well, it’s something you’ll have to think about,” Merlin said with a shrug. “The kingdom needs the stability, and you’ll have to consider an heir.”

“I’d really rather not think about that right now,” Arthur said, highly discomforted by the turn the conversation had taken.

“Perhaps it’s a bit soon,” Merlin conceded, “but you’ll have to think about it eventually.”

“Do you want me to be married?” Arthur asked agitatedly.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with me. You’re the king; I’m just your servant.”

“Well,” Arthur said, trying to keep his frustration in check, “if you think that we don’t have much time for one another now, imagine how little time we’d have if I was lumbered with a wife.”

Merlin blinked at him for a second, before he said quietly, “That’s…that’s what bothers you about getting married?”

Arthur cleared his throat, and tried to appear nonchalant, as he said, “It’s…it’s a consideration. We…we would have far less time for one another if I were married, and…I’d be sorry for that.”

“Oh,” Merlin said, the word so soft that it was surprising how hard it hit Arthur. There was silence between them for a while, the only noise coming from the gentle babbling of the river, and the song from the thrush. “I’d be sorry if we couldn’t spend as much time together,” Merlin said eventually.

Arthur continued to look ahead at the river, but he felt his heart pounding within his chest, as he slowly reached for Merlin’s hand. He curled his fingers around Merlin’s, and held on tightly, praying that Merlin wouldn’t spurn him. He didn’t, and they sat side by side in the quiet of the evening, holding one another’s hands, while Arthur wondered what it actually meant.

The days went on, and Merlin’s memory didn’t recover. He was told stories, and he had the odd flash of remembrance, but it wasn’t the same thing. He couldn’t remember living these instances, and so the knowledge, and the emotion that went with it, weren’t restored in the telling of these stories. It was like listening to tales about someone else’s life, and the lack of true connection was frustrating.

He spent as much time with Arthur and the children as he could, and enjoyed every minute in their company. He was surprised by how easily he slipped back into fatherhood, and he seemed to be able to pick up his relationship with Matthew and Ygraine as if nothing had happened. He spoke with Matthew in the same loving and gentle manner that Matthew projected, and he joked and sniped with Ygraine, tickled by her wit and sarcasm.

Both children were such an interesting mix of himself and Arthur. Matthew had Arthur’s sense of fair play, and need to make things right, while he had Merlin’s love of solitude and tendency to disappear off into his own little world. Ygraine had Merlin’s rather dark sense of humour and cynical approach to things, while she had inherited Arthur’s need to protect those she viewed as weaker. They were such different people, and yet the bond between them was undeniable.

Ygraine was intensely protective of Matthew, who seemed to be something of a target to those who took offence to his gentle nature. Matthew, in turn, seemed to soften Ygraine’s hard edges, and he had a knack of calming her down when no one else was able to. They clearly appreciated one another’s company, and there were probably more similarities between them than they thought.

Arthur continued to be attentive, but there was a kind of distance between them; one, Merlin supposed, that was only to be expected. Neither was the person the other was used to; Arthur was missing his husband, the person he had built his life with, and Merlin was unused to being unguarded and open. They loved one another, but it was in different ways while Merlin’s memory wasn’t restored.

It was as though Merlin had had all his wishes granted, but that he had woken in a world he didn’t fully understand. Everything he had hoped for, he now had, and more besides. He wasn’t living in the shadows anymore, besieged by constant fear that his secret would be uncovered, and his world would come crashing down.

“How did you take it?” Merlin asked one afternoon, as he sat in his and Arthur’s chambers, and helped Arthur with his paperwork.

“How did I take what?” Arthur replied, frowning at the parchment in his hand.

“The magic,” Merlin said, still unable to stop himself from flinching every time he mentioned it.

“Oh that,” Arthur said with a smile, placing the paper to one side.

“That,” Merlin echoed. “I can’t believe you can be so casual about it.”

“Well it has been over 14 years, my love. Not to mention the fact that you miraculously carried our children. I have adjusted.”

“I’ve been too nervous to ask, but I think I need to know how it happened. Was it…was it awful?”

“I think the word I’d use is…comical.”

~*~*~*~

“This is all your fault.”

“If you say that one more time -  ”

“Well it’s bloody true! You’re the one who insisted we come all the way out here in search of smugglers, without any backup,” Merlin hissed.

“Well you’re the one who insisted we left the nice, cosy inn we were in because you wanted our first time together to be in Camelot,” Arthur shot back, hardly able to believe the turn that events had taken since that morning when he and Merlin had kissed for the first time.

“Well excuse me for wanting our first time to be romantic and not in some seedy little tavern in a miserable town!”

“Well thanks to that decision, we are now in this bloody net,” Arthur retorted, trying to get Merlin’s foot out of his back.

It had been the matter of a split second when Arthur realised that they had stepped into the damned trap, and he hadn’t been able to manoeuvre himself and Merlin out of it in time. Truth be told, he had been so giddy that he hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything besides Merlin.

They had kissed. Everything that Arthur had hoped for had come true, and Merlin wanted to take things further. Of course, Arthur didn’t actually begrudge the fact that Merlin wanted to go back to Camelot before they did so. However, nothing was going to happen while they were in a ruddy great net, halfway up a tree.

“Can’t you cut the ropes?” Merlin asked, as he continued to wriggle, his foot coming dangerously close to Arthur’s groin.

“I dropped my sword,” Arthur replied reluctantly, casting a woeful look at the ground, where his sword was lying.

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Merlin growled.

“Look, just stop moving for a moment, before one of us ends up with an elbow up their nose,” Arthur said, although it was actually rather difficult to keep still while entangled in a net.

“How are we going to get down if we can’t cut our way out?” Merlin asked. “What if we die up here?”

“Well, as long as we’re not overly-dramatic about it,” Arthur said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh shut up. This is all your fault.”

“I’ve told you to stop saying that!”

They both finally manoeuvred themselves out from underneath on another, so that they were sitting face to face, glaring at each other. It was in no way the end to the day that Arthur had envisioned, and he couldn’t believe how rotten his stupid luck was. He had no clue how they were going to get down, and God only knew who had set the trap in the first place.

“Maybe we can break the branch,” Arthur said, looking up at the branch the net was hanging from.

“Don’t be stupid. Have you seen the size of it? Even your great bulk couldn’t break it,” Merlin replied sulkily.

“Well, we have to try something.”

Arthur shuffled about a bit until he managed to get onto his knees. He began to bounce, throwing all of his weight down onto the net in an attempt to get the branch to break. He created as much movement as he could, and bounced Merlin around in the process.

“Arthur, please stop!”

“This will work,” Arthur said, putting even more force onto the net.

“No it won’t! Stop jumping around!”

“I just need to put enough stress on the branch to – ”

“You’re putting stress on me! Stop it or…or I’ll – ”

Merlin turned his head, and managed to squeeze it through the net just enough to be violently sick over the side. He pulled his head back through, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve, as he glared at Arthur, and said, “I told you to stop.”

“Well I didn’t think you were that delicate!”

“Oh piss off,” Merlin shot back, still looking rather green around the gills. “Just sit still, you great oaf. That branch has held fast for 100 years, and it isn’t going to give way now.”

“What do you suggest then?” Arthur asked waspishly.

“For the moment, I just want to sit quietly and let my stomach return to its rightful place.”

As it turned out, ‘the moment’ was actually a couple of hours. They sat in silence, both of them sulking and taking turns to glare at one another. Arthur’s stomach growled, and Merlin shot him a withering look each time it happened, which Arthur thought was most unfair, as he hadn’t eaten in hours and he couldn’t help it if he was starving. It wasn’t even an apple tree that they were strung up in, and so there was no hope of Arthur finding something to sate his hunger.

He was about to try and initiate a conversation, as he was bored out of his mind, when he heard a noise through the trees nearby. He turned his head and tried to see where the noise was coming from. Perhaps it was the trapper, and they would finally be able to get out of the damn net.

It was not the trapper. What it was, Arthur couldn’t say. It seemed to have the body of a lion, with a strange, reptilian-like tail that had a vicious spike on the end of it. It had the strangest face that Arthur had ever seen; a kind of mix between a man and a beast, with yellow eyes that scanned the forest.

“What the devil is that?” Arthur whispered, as the thing approached.

“It’s a manticore,” Merlin whispered back.

“A what?”

“It’s magical, that’s all you need to know.”

“But – ”

“Arthur, shut up, or you’ll get us eaten!” Merlin hissed.

“Eaten?” Arthur echoed, trying not to panic.

“Well, does it look as though it lives on vegetables? Just sit still and pray.”

Arthur snapped his mouth shut, and tried to stay as still as possible, which wasn’t all that easy in a hanging net. The manticore moved closer still, and Arthur’s heart began to pound, as it approached the net. It gave it a damn good sniff, then stood up on its hind legs and began to bat at them with its bloody great paw.

“Oh hell,” Arthur groaned.

“Ssh!”

The manticore continued to rear up on its back legs, sniffing them and knocking them harder and harder each time. The net began to swing violently back and forth, which seemed to greatly entertain the beast. It made the most bizarre noises as it swatted at them, and started to gnash its jaws, as the net swung back and forth over its head.

“I’m going to be sick again,” Merlin moaned.

“Don’t you dare!”

“This is intolerable. If it doesn’t stop soon I’ll – ”

“You’ll what? Be sick all over its head?”

The manticore lowered itself back down onto all fours, and stared up at them. Arthur was sure that there was something faintly mocking about its expression, as though it was looking up at them and thinking, ‘What a pair of morons’. He honestly couldn’t say that he blamed it. It gave them one final, disdainful sniff, then went sloping off into the forest, and disappeared into the trees.

“Thank God for that,” Arthur said with a heavy sigh.

“I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.”

“Well, at least it can’t get any worse.”

Merlin glared daggers at him, and said, “Tell me you didn’t just say that.”

“What?”

“You never say that! It’s asking for trouble.”

“Oh don’t be so ridiculous! That’s just superstitious nonsense. You don’t really think – ”

Arthur was interrupted by an ominous rumble overhead, and he and Merlin looked up as the heavens opened. The rain was so heavy it soaked them in seconds, and Arthur felt faintly nostalgic for the manticore. He opened his mouth, but Merlin bit out, “Don’t, Arthur. Just don’t.”

The daylight faded, and the rain didn’t abate. It hammered down all night, and Arthur struggled to remember a time when he had felt more miserable. His wet clothes clung to his skin, while water dripped down his back, and there was no way of getting comfortable while the ropes of the net chafed against him.

He and Merlin didn’t say a word to one another, and Arthur wondered if he had perhaps imagined the kiss that had taken place only that morning. But then…this was so very them, wasn’t it? They spent their lives sniping at one another, and Arthur had actually always enjoyed it. Merlin had never been afraid to stand up to him, and, in a world where people treated Arthur as though he could do no wrong, it was nice to have someone who reminded him he was human.

Arthur liked the fact that they were equals, that Merlin spoke his mind and challenged him. He also liked their back and forth interplay, the jibes and the insults, the teasing and the badinage. In a bizarre sort of way, it made sense that right after they shared their first kiss they wound up not speaking to each other.

“Oh thank God,” Arthur said, as the rain finally stopped, and the first light of dawn began to creep through the trees.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Merlin said, squirming and looking most uncomfortable.

“Well, at least the rain’s stopped.”

“Oh hooray!”

“Look, whoever set this trap – ”

“Whoever set this trap could have set it months ago, years even!” Merlin snapped. “They might be dead for all we know. There’s every chance that no one is coming for us, and we’ll be left to hang in this thing until we die.”

“We’ll get out of it.”

“I’m not waiting any longer. My bladder’s about to explode!”

“Can’t you just…pee through the net?”

“Certainly not!” Merlin said, looking scandalised. “We haven’t…we haven’t even been intimate yet, and you want me to pee in front of you?!”

“Well, I’ll turn my back,” Arthur said, rather tickled by Merlin’s delicate sensibility.

“I am not peeing in front of you!”

“What choice do you have?”

“I’m getting out here before I burst.”

“How do you – ”

Merlin waved a dismissive hand at him, before, to Arthur’s utter shock, Merlin’s eyes flashed gold, and the net went plummeting to the ground. Arthur hit it with a thud, and sat in stunned silence, as Merlin scrambled off him and disappeared behind a tree.

That couldn’t have been what Arthur thought…could it?

He pushed himself to his feet, and waited for Merlin to re-emerge, feeling absolutely baffled, and wondering if he had slipped into a dream. “What the hell just happened?” he managed to splutter out finally.

“I should think that was bloody obvious,” Merlin retorted, as he re-appeared from behind the tree, looking rather relieved.

“Did…did you just use magic?”

“Yes, of course I did.”

“Why the bloody hell didn’t you use it hours ago, instead of leaving us up there to be eaten by a manticore, or drowned in a deluge?” Arthur asked, feeling quite beside himself.

“Because I thought that someone would let us down and I wouldn’t have to give myself away.”

“So you let us sit through all of that misery, and finally decided to set us free because you needed to pee?”

“It was the final straw! I told you – I didn’t want to pee in front of you when we haven’t even slept together yet. It’s just not decent,” Merlin said, with a sniff.

“I don’t believe you sometimes. Do you really – ”

“Excuse me, gents,” came a voice, and Arthur and Merlin turned to see a great brute of a man standing there, flanked by five, equally huge, lackeys. “Is that my trap you’ve wriggled your way out of?”

“Oh not now,” Merlin said disdainfully. “Can’t you see we’re in the middle of something?”

“I beg your pardon? See, if you landed in that trap, that makes you mine, and – ”

“I said not now!” Merlin growled, raising his hand and causing all six men to crumple to the ground. “The nerve of some people.”

Arthur looked on in amazement, before he blinked at Merlin and said, “I think we need to have a chat.”

~*~*~*~

“You’re joking,” Merlin said, as he looked at Arthur in complete shock. “I revealed my deepest secret because I needed to pee?!”

“Mmhm,” Arthur confirmed, with an amused smile.

“I’m a bloody idiot,” Merlin groaned.

“I shan’t comment on that, my love.”

Merlin shook his head, and said, “Of all the ways I imagined it happening, that would never be it. I’m embarrassed for myself.”

“I think it was actually quite perfect. Very us,” Arthur said, with a gentle smile.

“But…but weren’t you angry?” Merlin asked, feeling utterly perplexed. “I thought about telling you so many times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought it would ruin everything.”

“Well, it didn’t. It was a bump in the road, but by the time I learnt the truth, my attitude towards magic had changed. Besides, our relationship was just starting to blossom, and the magic just didn’t seem important. It wasn’t like it was when my father was alive.”

“But the lies. Wasn’t it a sore point between us?” Merlin asked quietly.

“I’ll admit that it was a difficult thing to come to terms with, but I understood the need for such secrecy. You were living under tremendous pressure, and everything you did, you did for me. It would have been the height of ingratitude to resent you for it.”

“Life’s a funny old thing.”

“It is where you’re concerned.”

“So…we were in that net because of you,” Merlin ventured, and Arthur rolled his eyes.

“This is an argument we’ve had frequently over the years,” he replied. “I mean…yes, we were in Essetir because of me, but the reason was a romantic one – I wanted to spend some time alone with you. However, we ended up in the net because of you.”

“And how do you arrive at that conclusion?”

“You were the one who insisted that we had to come back to Camelot for our first time together.”

Merlin felt his cheeks heat, and he fiddled with the cuff of his sleeve for a few moments, before he said, “And…did that happen?” Arthur raised an amused eyebrow, and Merlin continued, “Well, obviously I know we slept together, and…and continued to do so…but did we come back to Camelot and…you know…straight after the magic revelation?”

“You are absolutely adorable when you’re flustered, my love,” Arthur said with a smile that did all sorts of funny things to Merlin’s stomach. “And I’m not telling you. Some things you should remember for yourself.”

“That doesn’t seem fair.”

“I’m a cruel man. Anyway, I have a training session to oversee, so I’d better leave you to it. I’ll see you later for dinner with the children.”

He gave Merlin a warm smile, and grabbed his sword, before he left the room. Merlin watched him go, and tried not to let himself get too overwhelmed. He was being ridiculous, but any time that sex and Arthur were mentioned in the same sentence, Merlin was mortified.

He knew he was being daft. He and Arthur had children together, for heaven’s sake; they had been married for nearly 15 years, and theirs was clearly an affectionate marriage. But Merlin couldn’t remember it. He couldn’t remember what it was like to be intimate with Arthur, to feel the press of his skin, to feel Arthur inside him.

The thought made his cheeks flush. He imagined it often enough. Indeed, he had lost countless hours to the endeavour, but knowing that it had actually happened was a different matter altogether. He wanted to know what kind of lover Arthur was, although he imagined him to be generous and caring. He wished he could remember their first time together. He wondered if he had been nervous, if they had both been nervous, and if the revelation of Merlin’s magic had tempered it any way.

He was about to go and search for something to occupy his afternoon, when he began to feel a familiar pain behind his eyes. A memory was trying to work its way to the surface, and Merlin sat back in his chair and waited for it to do so.

~*~*~*~

With Merlin’s magic revealed, it seemed stupid to walk all the way back to Camelot, so Merlin transported them back. They separated to wash and change, but Arthur made it clear that they were far from done, and told Merlin to come to his chambers later that night.

“Well, you’re not on a pyre. I’d say that was positive.”

“Oh thank you very much, Gaius,” Merlin said, as he paced around the physician’s quarters.

“You know that Arthur’s attitude towards magic has changed since Uther’s death. It’s no longer illegal in Camelot."

"I know, I know, but I wanted to tell him myself, not be forced to because of a weak bladder!”

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t just surreptitiously break the branch.”

Merlin blinked at him for a moment, while his brain tried to kick in. “I didn’t think of that,” he admitted eventually. “God, I’m a moron.”

“Well, I shan’t comment on that. Go on, go and see him. You can’t put it off forever.”

“Alright,” Merlin said with a sigh. “But if my head’s on a spike come morning, it was nice knowing you.”

He didn’t miss Gaius’s eye roll as he left the room, but it would serve the man right if Merlin did end up with his head on a spike. He walked slowly to Arthur’s chambers, and tried to organise what he wanted to say. He paused outside Arthur’s door, and took a few deep breaths, before he knocked.

“Come in,” came Arthur’s voice, and Merlin braced himself before he did so.

Arthur was sitting at his desk, in a fresh shirt and trousers, with a pitcher of wine at his elbow. He gestured for Merlin to take a seat opposite, and Merlin did so. Arthur poured him a goblet of wine, and Merlin cast a look around the chambers.

“It’s cold in here,” he said. “You haven’t got a fire lit.”

“I thought you could do it,” Arthur said casually, and Merlin hesitated before he went to get up. “No,” Arthur halted him, “not the traditional way.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake,” Merlin sighed, before he extended his hand to the fireplace and flames sprang into life. “Are you going to test me?”

“I just wanted to see a little glimpse of your magic when I wasn’t plummeting from a tree.”

“Are you trying to lull me into a false sense of security? You’re being awfully calm about this,” Merlin said, not really knowing how he was meant to behave.

“Well,” Arthur said, leaning back in his chair, “what would you like me to do?”

“I don’t know! I’m just…I’m feeling a little at sea.”

“You and me both.”

Merlin took a sip of his wine, and said, “I wanted to tell you, Arthur, and please believe me when I say that I would have told you before…before we were intimate. In fact, that was the real reason I wanted to come back to Camelot before anything happened. I couldn’t have slept with you with a lie between us.”

“I believe you,” Arthur said gently, “and it may surprise you to learn that I’m not angry. I’m not even disappointed.”

“You’re not?” Merlin ventured.

Arthur shook his head. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but on your first day in Camelot, didn’t you witness someone being executed for magic?”

“I did,” Merlin confirmed.

“Well, if I had been in your shoes, I don’t think I would have announced my magic, either.”

“No, I don’t suppose it was particularly encouraging. But I’ve had ample opportunity to tell you since.”

Arthur gave him a smile that was so warm, Merlin felt quite undone, then said, “When I was six, I broke a vase. Not just any vase, mind, this was a priceless gem that had been in my father’s family for some time. Well, of course I denied all knowledge, and I sat on that lie for months. The longer I kept it, the bigger it became. It felt impossible to tell the truth after lying for so long, and so I kept my secret. Yours was a far more dangerous one, and I don’t blame you for keeping it.”

Merlin swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, and said quietly, “You’re being far more magnanimous than I’d ever hoped you’d be.”

“I’m not sure I have any right to be anything else. I’ve been sitting here, thinking about things, and it seems to me that I’ve had the most extraordinary good luck over the years. Only, it wasn’t luck, was it? It was you.”

“I’ve…I’ve always done my best to protect you. I’ve always felt that it was my purpose. More recently, I’ve done so because…because the thought of anything happening to you fills me with a horror I can’t express.”

“Then that’s all that needs to be said.”

“No,” Merlin argued, getting to his feet, “there’s more that needs to be said. More about…what’s between us, that is.”

“Oh?” Arthur asked, also standing, and leaning against the edge of the table.

“I know that things have started to change between us, and I know what we were on the verge of in that inn, but…I need to know…I have to ask…”

“Are you trying to ask me if it would have just been sex?”

“Yes,” Merlin said, with a shaky breath, “because it couldn’t…it can’t be that for me. The truth is that I’m in love with you; I have been for some time.”

The fire crackled softly, and Arthur pushed himself off the desk, before he came to stand in front of Merlin. He reached out, and rested a hand on Merlin’s cheek, as he said softly, “I’m in love with you, too. When it comes to you and me, there could never be any ‘just’ about it.”

“No,” Merlin said with a laugh, “I don’t suppose there could be. And you still feel the same way, despite my revelation?”

“If anything, it makes me love you even more.”

Arthur leaned in, and Merlin met his kiss eagerly, having been desperate to sample it again since that first time in the inn. Arthur’s lips were soft and gentle, and Merlin drank in how perfect the kiss was. Arthur’s hand moved to cradle Merlin’s head, while his other snaked over Merlin’s hip. Merlin’s own hands moved to Arthur’s shoulders, and he held on as they moved over to the bed.

“Have you done this before?” Arthur asked, and Merlin was captivated by the flush on his cheeks.

“Once or twice. Never with anyone who meant so much to me.”

“Same. You can’t know how many times I’ve imagined this.”

“Me too. I’ve lost hours just looking at you and…fantasising.”

Arthur smiled, and said, “Well, let’s not lose any more time to fantasies, hm?”

Merlin gave him a devilish smirk, and said, “I can help with that,” before he inclined his head and vanished their clothing.

“Well, that’s mightily impressive,” Arthur said, before he pulled their bodies flush against one another, and Merlin gasped at the sudden press of his erection against Arthur’s.

They collapsed on the bed, as their limbs twined together, and Merlin moaned softly, as he enjoyed the feel of Arthur’s skin against his own. He was desperate to touch, to give his hands a purpose, and as Arthur’s lips went to Merlin’s neck, Merlin lowered his hand down Arthur’s taut stomach until it wrapped around the man’s cock.

Arthur groaned next to Merlin’s ear, then whispered “You have no idea how often I’ve imagined your hands on me. I think about it every time I touch myself. I picture you on your knees for me, or sneaking up on you and bending you over the table. I want to be inside you so much it hurts.”

“God, Arthur,” Merlin breathed, as he palmed Arthur’s cock, feeling drops of pre-cum coat his palm.

Arthur kissed a path over his throat, as his hands danced over Merlin’s torso. His fingers explored Merlin’s body, and Merlin drank in the exquisite touches, melting beneath them. “You’re beautiful, Merlin,” he said, between kisses.

“I’m not.”

“No arguments. You’re stunning, and you feel so perfect beneath my hands. Will you let me taste you?”

“Oh, fuck yes.”

Arthur laughed softly, then made a path down Merlin’s body, as Merlin released his prick and let him go. He felt Arthur’s lips trail a wet path over his stomach, as his hands caressed Merlin’s thighs, and made him shiver with the teasing touch.

“Don’t you wish the council could see us now?” Arthur asked, as his mouth moved enticingly closer to Merlin’s groin. “Imagine what they’d think if they saw the King sucking his manservant’s cock.”

“You’re fucking wicked, Arthur,” Merlin groaned, as he gripped the bedsheets beneath him. He held on tightly, as Arthur’s tongue swirled around the head of his cock, before he was taken into the warm wetness of Arthur’s mouth.

It felt amazing, and Merlin couldn’t stop himself from raising his hips, and pushing himself a little deeper into Arthur’s obliging mouth. One of Arthur’s hands created a sheath around Merlin’s cock, which moved in delicious tandem with his mouth, while the other teased up and down Merlin’s legs.

Merlin had never considered his legs to be particularly sensitive, but Arthur’s gentle touches were making him shiver with pure delight. He was overwhelmed with the sensation, and he gave himself over to it entirely. He had dreamt of this moment for so long, and part of him couldn’t actually believe that it was happening. He felt as though he was Arthur’s sole focus, and it was a heady experience to be on the receiving end of such attention.

“Do you want everything, Merlin?” Arthur asked softly, as he continued to torment the head of Merlin’s prick.

“God, yes,” Merlin moaned. “You have no idea how long I’ve been aching to have you inside me.”

“Damn it, Merlin, if you carry on saying things like that I won’t last long enough to get inside you,” Arthur said breathlessly, and Merlin grinned to think that he was affecting Arthur as much as Arthur was affecting him.

Merlin summoned a vial of oil from the dresser, and fumbled it towards Arthur, who said, “Your magic comes in handy for all sorts of things.”

Merlin hummed in agreement, and spread his legs, the action making him feel deliciously wanton. Arthur looked up at him from between Merlin’s legs, his eyes hooded and wicked, and Merlin bit his lip, as anticipation slithered down his spine. Arthur drizzled the oil over his fingers, then began to coat Merlin’s entrance. He maintained eye contact as he slid one finger slowly inside Merlin’s body, and Merlin trembled with pleasure.

Another finger followed, then another, and Merlin let his head fall back against the pillows, as Arthur stretched and prepared him. It felt wonderful, and Merlin keened, as he impaled himself deeper on Arthur’s fingers.

“So eager,” Arthur said, and his voice was teasing, but Merlin could see the hunger in his eyes that matched his own.

Arthur withdrew his fingers, then kissed a path back up over Merlin’s stomach and chest, as he settled himself between Merlin’s willing legs. Merlin’s breath faltered a little, as he felt the head of Arthur’s cock press against his entrance.

“Alright?” Arthur asked, with a gentle whisper, and Merlin loved how safe and cherished he felt.

“Yes,” he replied, as he reached out and stroked Arthur’s cheek. “More than alright.”

“Just let me know if it’s too much,” Arthur said, and Merlin nodded, before Arthur pushed forward and breached him carefully.

Merlin pushed back to meet him, and let out a slow breath, as Arthur slid in all the way to the hilt. He moved his hands to brace them on Arthur’s shoulders, and tilted his hips to encourage Arthur to begin moving. They rocked together and built a rhythm, as one of Merlin’s hands slid up into Arthur’s hair.

He was surrounded by Arthur, and it was utter heaven to be beneath him, to feel the press of his firm body, as Arthur pushed deeply inside him. Merlin raised his legs, and wrapped them around Arthur’s waist, wanting to be as close to him as physically possible.

“You feel so perfect,” Arthur whispered shakily next to Merlin’s ear. “You don’t know how much I’ve wanted this, how much I’ve needed you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Merlin.”

“God, Arthur,” Merlin said in a strangled sob, as he gripped Arthur’s shoulders more tightly and their pace quickened. The urgency built between them, and Merlin felt pleasure skittering throughout his entire body with each thrust Arthur made.

Arthur’s lips went to Merlin’s throat, and his kisses were gentle and reverent, as he moved inside him. Merlin had never felt closer to anyone than he did in that moment, and it was almost too much to bear. He felt so loved; as though he was something precious to be cared for.

Arthur’s hand slid down Merlin’s body, and Merlin’s back arched, as Arthur gripped his cock firmly. His hand moved in time with his thrusts, and Merlin couldn’t stop his moans as the pleasure built and built inside him. He held on tightly to Arthur, and rocked with him until finally he felt his orgasm rush through him. His whole body tingled, as Arthur made a few more thrusts, then shuddered and stilled.

He rested his head against Merlin’s shoulder, and Merlin moved his hand to caress Arthur’s back gently. Their breathing eventually evened out, and Merlin couldn’t wipe the smile from his face, as the reality of what had just happened fully set in.

Arthur pressed a kiss to Merlin’s cheek, then carefully withdrew from his body. He lay beside him, as Merlin magicked them both clean, and their smiles were remarkably shy, given what they had just been up to.

“Are you ok?” Arthur asked softly.

“I’m so much more than ok,” Merlin replied, as his head spun. “That was…”

“I don’t have words for it, either,” Arthur said, resting his hand on Merlin’s chest, just above his heart. There was peaceful silence for a moment, as they basked in the afterglow, then Arthur broke it by saying, “So, are you going to marry me?”

Merlin choked on air, and coughed and spluttered for a moment, before he managed to gasp out, “What?”

“Well, we both said that this wasn’t a casual thing. We’ve both declared that we’re in love with one another; it seems only logical that we get married.”

“You…you truly want to marry me?” Merlin asked, certain that he was dreaming, and would be forced to wake up.

“Of course I do. You’re the most important person in my life, and I’m not going to marry anyone else, am I?”

“But your position, the kingdom, the – ”

“All secondary to my heart,” Arthur said, and Merlin felt utterly undone.

“How can my answer be anything other than yes, then?”

“Excellent,” Arthur said, with a beaming smile. “It’s only the honourable thing to do – after all, you might be pregnant.”

“Oh, very bloody funny.”

Merlin couldn’t look at Arthur for a day or two after the memory of their first time surfaced. He played it over and over again in his mind, and indulged in how thoroughly perfect it was. Arthur was a considerate and generous lover, and the affection between them was so very obvious in their love-making.

A few more memories surfaced, memories of their shared life together, and moments with the children. It still wasn’t enough, though, and Merlin didn’t feel that he was properly living the memories. They gave him a sense of the life he had built, and Merlin could fill in the gaps, but it wasn’t the same as knowing these things for himself.

“Has Grandpa still not come up with any ideas?” Matthew asked, as he thumbed through a book on wild flowers.

“No, not really,” Merlin answered with a sigh. “It seems that there’s very little written on magic and memory.”

“Maybe we should give you a whack on the head,” Ygraine said, with a thoughtful look at her father.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Merlin said with a snort, while Arthur grinned. “You always have such a straightforward way of dealing with things."

"It’s the only way to be,” Ygraine said with a shrug. “I wish more people were straightforward; it would solve a lot of problems.”

“It seems to me that the answer’s quite clear,” Matthew said, in his usual, dreamy manner.

“And what would that be, my love?” Arthur asked, looking up from cleaning his sword.

“You and Adda need to kiss,” Matthew replied, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I’m not sure that will do it,” Merlin said, sharing a look with Arthur.

“Of course it will,” Matthew said certainly, closing his book and placing it to the side. He looked at his parents, looking much older than his twelve years, and said, “Since the accident, you haven’t kissed once. Everyone knows that true love’s kiss breaks all spells and curses. It stands to reason that it will work.”

“What do you think?” Merlin asked Arthur, seeing some logic in Matthew’s argument.

“It can’t hurt to try,” Arthur replied. “But only if you’re comfortable.”

Merlin smiled, and said, “Arthur, we’re sitting here with our two children, the product of more than a kiss. I think I can bear it.”

Arthur grinned good-naturedly, and said, “Come over here, then, and we’ll give Matthew’s suggestion a try.”

Merlin got up from his chair, and Arthur did likewise, as they met in the middle of the room. Merlin felt a flutter of nerves, even though he knew that this wasn’t their first kiss, and they had, of course, been far more intimate with one another.

Arthur gave him the gentlest smile, and Merlin was reminded why he loved the bloody man so much. Merlin moved closer, and Arthur placed his hand on Merlin’s cheek. “Are you ready for true love’s kiss from a handsome prince?”

“You’re a king, you pillock,” Merlin retorted, as he steadied his hands on Arthur’s shoulders.

“It doesn’t have the same ring to it, though, does it?”

Merlin rolled his eyes, and glanced over at Matthew and Ygraine, saying, “Do you two have to watch?”

“It’s for science,” Matthew argued.

“As if we haven’t seen you two kiss a million times,” Ygraine added, resting her chin on her fist.

“I’m sure it’s your fault we have such insolent children,” Merlin told Arthur, before he took a deep breath, and said, “Ready?”

“Ready,” Arthur confirmed.

Merlin closed his eyes and tried not to jump when he felt Arthur’s lips meet his own. At first, it was just a soft press, more of a suggestion of a kiss than anything else, but then Arthur’s hand moved to cradle Merlin’s head and their lips began to move. Some dim part of Merlin’s brain remembered this, and he melted into it, as he pulled himself closer.

He was so caught up in how utterly perfect it felt to kiss Arthur, he almost missed the first wave of dizziness. The second wave hit just as the kiss deepened, and Merlin stumbled as he broke the kiss. He kept his eyes closed, as Arthur steadied him, his firm hands keeping him upright and stable.

Merlin’s world went spinning wildly, and he felt as though he couldn’t catch his breath. He couldn’t open his eyes, for fear of falling over, and he held Arthur’s hand tightly, as he felt as though he had been let loose from a catapult. Suddenly, he heard a loud bang, and the spinning stopped, which was as disconcerting as the spinning itself. He felt something rush through him, like a gust of wind, and he stumbled forward before he slowly opened his eyes.

"Merlin?" Arthur said questioningly.

Merlin looked at them, and his head swam, before he realised that he remembered everything. A slow grin spread across his face, and he said, “I’m back.”

“Are you sure?” Arthur asked, looking tentatively excited.

“Well, I remember exactly what we got up to on the night of my 30th birthday.”

“Merlin!” Arthur said, looking scandalised.

“And I remember the time we took the children camping, and it rained the entire time, and our tent blew into the river.”

“That was awful,” Ygraine said, looking mightily unimpressed. “Hence why I haven’t been camping since.”

“I remember the day that Matthew fell out of a tree and we thought he’d broken his arm. I remember the time you ate that rather questionable crab and were violently sick for three days after. I remember when I was carrying Ygraine, and I sneezed and made all the silverware dance. I remember the day I was made Court Sorcerer. I remember – ”

“Alright, alright,” Arthur said with a laugh. “I think it’s safe to say that you’re back to your old self.”

“I can’t tell you how wonderful it feels,” Merlin said, wrapping an arm around Arthur’s waist and pulling himself in for a hug.

“I told you it would work,” Matthew said, nodding at them both.

“Well you could have suggested it sooner,” Ygraine said imperiously, and Matthew tutted at her.

“I didn’t hear you coming up with any bright ideas,” he retorted.

“I had better things to think about.”

“Better things than helping to restore our father’s memory?” Matthew asked in disbelief.

“Oh hush, you two,” Merlin laughed. “The important thing is that I’m back to normal.”

“Or as normal as you ever get,” Arthur countered.

“No cheek from you,” Merlin said, reaching his free hand up and cupping Arthur’s chin.

“They’re going to start being soppy,” Ygraine told Matthew, with a disdainful sniff.

“I think it’s romantic,” Matthew said, with a tender smile.

“Well I don’t. Come on, let’s go and feed Aithusa,” Ygraine said, grabbing hold of Matthew’s arm and dragging him from the family room.

“Are we going to start being soppy?” Arthur asked, as he pulled Merlin firmly into his hold.

“Oh, I’d say so, my love. Now I have all my old memories back, I’d like to start making some new ones.”