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There’s something special about the way Taylor can burrow her way into people's lives without raising any flags. Steven just never expected it to happen to him. He had been perfectly content with how their relationship was before the mess that was last summer. He was perfectly happy when their banter was just banter and nothing more. He was ecstatic when the smell of her perfume didn’t make him do a double take. He missed the times when her genuine smiles weren’t directed at him. Now, he’s sucked in. Steven is sucked into Taylor’s inescapable aura and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t seem to get enough.
This year had been heartbreak followed by heartbreak. He’d lost Shayla and then he had lost Susannah and even the boys to a certain extent. A deep, selfish part of him felt angry that this all happened at such an exciting point in his life. Steven couldn’t help but want a little bit of validation and it felt awful to even think that. But his mother was distant and Belly was spiraling. Steven could never ask that of his family in a time like this. He was going to Princeton and he did that all by himself. He could deal with this alone too.
Until one night he just felt so frustrated and everything felt like it was all happening at once. His mom hadn’t eaten any of the food that he brought to her and Belly wouldn’t look him in the eyes. He’s on the couch when Taylor hops down the stairs and gives him a shy smile.
“Hey,” she says softly, sitting next to him.
“Hey,” he replies, bringing up a thumb to his forehead in hopes to ease the headache that’s been building all day. “What are you doing here?” He asked.
“Wow, rude,” She muttered, pulling her purse onto her lap. “I just brought Belly some chunky monkey ice cream. Thought she could use it.”
“That’s actually really nice of you,” Steven said with a curious glance in her direction which she scowls at.
“I know. She’s my best friend, Steven.” Her lips quirked as if she were talking to the most ridiculous person in the world. They sit in silence for a moment and Taylor begins to rummage through her bag. Finally, she thrust something toward him and said, “Here.”
She handed him two things. In one hand he has a bag of tacos from his favorite restaurant. The restaurant is about thirty minutes across town. He didn’t even notice that he had been focusing so hard on trying to get his mom to eat that he had barely eaten anything himself. In the other hand, he had what looked like a marble covered in a thick mesh. She rushes out a quick explanation saying that it’s a fidget toy and that she hoped it would be useful for him to take his mind off of things. Steven feels his chest tighten at the care Taylor put into these gifts.
Taking Taylor by surprise, Steven drops the bag of tacos onto the table and wraps his arms around her to pull her into a tight hug. He buries himself into the crook of her shoulder and just holds on. She seems shocked, unsure of where to put her hands and her mouth is slightly agape.
“Just wrap your arms around me.” He grumbled and at his words, she quickly threaded her arms around his middle.
They stay like that for a long time and Steven thinks he could cry. Her breathing is steady and it helps him to think about matching her pace. She occasionally drags a fingernail across his back in lazy patterns that raised goosebumps all across his arms. When they finally let go it’s silent. Neither had strayed far from the other's grasp and for a moment they just stare at each other.
“Steven, I need you to start taking care of yourself.” Taylor broke the silence with a stern look on her face. It made him crack the first smile he’s been able to muster in weeks. The thought then led him to let out a deep, throaty laugh. It almost feels good. “I’m serious!” She insisted, slapping his arm lightly.
All Steven could do was look at her. It feels like he’s just been shaken to realize how incredible she is. She had been there for years and he just hadn’t seen her. The worry in her eyes that she had so desperately tried to mask in gifts and teasing seeped through and Steven swallowed thickly.
“I promise I’ll start taking better care of myself.” And he wasn’t lying. Taylor seemed to know that he meant it too.
“Good. Now eat a taco.” That was all she said and she gave him a pat on the hand, pulling back to create distance between them.
“Sure, but since you drove all that way for me, you’ve got to try one.” Steven grinned and she wrinkled up her nose. He watched as she tried to resist, but then her stomach growled, and her cheeks instantly flushed pink.
“I guess I could have just one.”
The two of them gorged on tacos and watched mind-numbing TV. They occasionally paused it to talk about something nonsensical but it felt like the most riveting conversation Steven had ever had.
—
Steven hates Milo. Simple as that. He hates his stupid buzz cut and he hates the way his shirts never seem to fit him right. He hates that Taylor hangs off of him. He hates the way her eyes light up when she sees him and his posse in the hallways. He hates that he’s not Milo.
Taylor and Milo had been official for about a week. A week and Steven already thought about committing murder. For an entire week, he had to listen to Taylor talk to Belly about how sweet Milo was or how dreamy his eyes were. Steven couldn’t help but stare in the mirror at night and wonder how to make his eyes dreamier.
Taylor is too good for Milo. Taylor is too good for anybody. Steven knows that he doesn’t deserve her. He knows that he has probably crushed her heart in more ways than he can count and regrets his obliviousness every day.
On their one-week anniversary, there is a party and Steven goes, unsurprised to see Taylor there too. Belly had been back home in bed when he saw her last. But here is Taylor. She was dancing with some of her volleyball friends when Milo came out from nowhere and encircled her waist. His presence immediately changed the atmosphere among her friends and turned from a fun dance into something perverse. Taylor seems shocked by the change but just laughs and goes along with it.
Steven downed his beer in one go.
For the rest of the night, Steven couldn't keep his eyes off Taylor. Her hair became frizzier and her lips grew swollen from Milo’s constant harassment as the party went on. The jealousy he felt carved out a crater in his stomach and soured every sip of alcohol he drank. Eventually, Taylor managed to separate herself from her boyfriend and headed toward the drink table where Steven sulked.
“You having fun?” Steven slurred and Taylor’s eyes shot to his, instantly heated.
“As a matter of fact, I am.” She snarled and he snorts looking into the bottom of his red solo cup.
“I couldn’t tell. I mean he was all over you.” He knows he sounds like an ass but his lips are loosened and his feelings heightened.
Taylor scoffs at that, pouring herself a hefty cup of punch. Steven keeps his eyes on her, following her every move entranced like he has been all night.
“You like him?” It comes out harsher than he intends and sees the switch flip in Taylor's brain. She’s pissed.
In two short strides, Taylor was in front of him with a finger poking into his chest.
“I do like him.” She jabbed her finger into his chest for emphasis. “And now that I think about it, ya! I do like having him all over me. I like feeling appreciated. I love feeling wanted! I love feeling sexy. Do you have a problem with that, Steven?” She shouted. Taylor looked up at him with fire in her eyes and all he could think about was kissing her.
He wants her. Scratch that. Needs her.
Steven slightly slouched to be closer to her face. The fire in her eyes had yet to dim and he grinned at the sight of it. “Plenty of people want you, Taylor.” His voice was deep and he wondered if she got the hint. Her face went slack and her eyes grew darker. They stood in silence, chests heaving after their standoff.
The cup of punch flew to the floor and splattered on his shoes as Taylor spun around to go back and join her boyfriend. Steven swiftly sent her an apology the next day after his hangover eases.
—
Steven knows he’s in love with her. He loves her smile. He loves her honesty. He loves how loyal she is. Loves that she can read him with just one look. He loves touching her whether it be through a playful touch or a mindless touching of hands. He loves everything.
They’d just got to the motel after Aunt Julia had uprooted their lives. Everyone seemed drained emotionally and all of the happiness they had found earlier had vanished. He and the boys share a room and Steven takes the floor, figuring he won’t get much sleep anyways. Conrad leaves halfway through the night and never returns. Jeremiah tosses and turns, clearly unable to sleep either.
Getting up with a groan, Steven walked outside. The motel had a pool in the middle of the complex. Sliding his shoes off, Steven sat down at the edge of the pool and just tried to breathe. Almost like she could sense that he was awake, Taylor appeared. Her hair had been taken out of its braids and fell in waves around her face.
“Can I sit with you?” She looked undeniably sad. Steven held out a hand which she grabbed faithfully and allows him to guide her to the floor. Taylor squeezed his hand again, a silent gesture to ask him not to let go.
They don’t need to talk. Her body language signals that she will say something when she’s ready. The light from the pool shines up at them, casting shadows across their cheeks. Steven strokes a reassuring thumb across the back of her hand and watches as a tear glides down her face.
“I don’t like crying in front of you.” Her other hand shakes as she reached to wipe it away, lip trembling softly.
“I won’t look.” He teased and saw her smile, more tears falling.
“You have made it so hard to be vulnerable with you over the years.” Her voice was small and Steven felt a pang of guilt.
“I know I have. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you confused or ever made you hurt. It is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I admire you so much, Taylor.” He hoped that she would believe him. Hopes that she could feel how deep his regret lies.
Her head bobbed, staring into the pool. “Milo and I are fighting,” she said and he is surprised to find that he feels no happiness in their relationship being on the rocks. “He wants me to come back and keeps saying that he needs me. I mean, I’m here because Belly needs me. Because you need me. Hell, everything in the house is gone and all he can talk about is the fact that he feels unimportant. I’ve been gone for one day. What happens when I go to college and he moves to LA for his music career?” Her rambling ends softly and she sits with her shoulders taught. “I mean, I should want to be with someone who wants me, right?” Taylor stammered and looked at him with a sheltered gaze.
“I think you should want someone who takes the time to understand you. Someone who makes you feel confident in your decisions and supports you even from afar. I think you should be with whoever makes you happy.” Steven made sure that she doesn’t look away.
“How do I know what makes me happy? What if ‘happy’ isn’t enough?” The tears slow as she continued to eye Steven up and down. “What makes you happy, Steven?” Her voice is low and slightly nervous which is odd because he had never seen Taylor act so unsure of herself.
Swiftly, he reaches for her other hand and turned her to face him, hands intertwined in the middle. Taylor stared down at their conjoined hands and then back up at him. The answer is simple, slipping from his lips before he had the chance to find anything else to say. “You do.”
Taylor’s eyes shine and he thinks she might start to cry again. The two of them don’t need to discuss anything. There’s nothing to say. She’s in a relationship and they’ve already made that mistake before. Instead, Taylor rested her head on his shoulder and Steven closed his eyes, basking in the warmth of her body.
He loves her. And because he loves her, he’ll wait, just as she did. Steven will wait with open arms and will provide her a shoulder to cry on like she had done for him and his family many times in the past year.
Steven can wait for her.