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Through the blurry haze of countless past mornings, Yohan wakes half-dead. His chest caves into a cold, harrowing void. Despair buries the man alive under a shipwreck of debris. Organs puncture, decay. Rib bones collapse like ancient rafters of a forsaken, burning cathedral. The air suffocates with noxious black smoke, but his lungs wither too much for a scream to escape.
Bleak eyes stare at haunting questions scrawled across the ceiling. But Yohan doesn't hold out hope for a single answer. All his life, Yohan wakes to the chaos of incinerating memories and voiceless ghosts. One morning melts into another and another and another until Yohan forgets how long he's been in Purgatory.
But this morning, shadows vanish under the rushing flood of vivid colors. No collapsing bones. No bristling anxiety. There's only something kinder, brighter. Warm rays of golden amber light trickle through the space between closed curtains. Luminescent lines spill across the bedroom, and the glacier darkness recedes.
Slowly, Yohan exhales. Dead ashes trapped in the chambers of his heart purge free. Yohan opens his eyes to witness dawnlight painting over the mayhem of pale blue sheets, and scarlet marked skin. Like the early morning sunray, Yohan's gaze indulgently wanders over the sight of Gaon sleeping soundly. Gaon lays partly on top of Yohan, an arm draping over Yohan's bare chest, and his cheek brushing the man's shoulder. Fingers caress the rise and fall of Yohan's rib bones.
Sometimes, Yohan feels more of Gaon's gentle sleeve than hard earned calluses. Yohan doesn't think much of the white shirt when he first bought it. But ever since Gaon steals that button up shirt along with a dozen more, Yohan admires the lines and folds of fabric. Gaon wearing Yohan's clothes sates some of the possessive hunger simmering inside. Likewise Gaon insists on tying Yohan's neckties in the mornings, especially the ones Gaon gifts his partner.
Sweeping aside soft bangs, Yohan kisses Gaon's forehead. "I love you." His lips drift over to Gaon's temple, his cheek, the curve of his ear. "I have nothing, but love for you, Kim Gaon."
Yohan blinks when Gaon mutters something under his breath. Scarlet singes Gaon's ears as he hides his face against the pillow. Along with flickers of Yohan's name, there's a sigh colored by fondness rather than exasperation. A chuckle rumbles out of Yohan. Leaning closer, Yohan greets the blush by scattering light kisses.
"Yohan-" Gaon's voice gets lost in flustered notes. "You should sleep more..."
Despite how close their bodies already are, Gaon gravitates more towards his partner. He wants their scars to brush, the shadows sweeping across their bones to mix and blur. Gaon's eyes remain closed, but his hand knows where to reach, and glide down Yohan's side. It's a homebound path that Gaon's palm aches to memorize. Gaon melts at every kiss and caress that Yohan gives. Incoherent sounds muffle under the onslaught of doting affection.
"Amazing." Pure awe gleams in Yohan's eyes. "Your blush reaches all the way here." His lips trail from the underside of Gaon's jaw to down his throat. Yohan smiles against the graceful clavicle line.
Mumbling into the pillow, Gaon tries hiding his face even more. The blush climbs several shades brighter. Heart pounding, Gaon's on the brink of combustion. Gaon attempts to face away from Yohan as if that will vanish the scarlet.
Before Gaon rolls off the bed, Yohan secures his arms around the man, and pulls him close. Laughing, Yohan kisses behind Gaon's ear. "So cute."
"Oh, my god- Yohan--" Gaon can't take his hand away from his face. A gasp stifles across palm lines, but the incredulous sound's still tinged with hints of laughter. "Why are you like this so early in the morning?"
"Hmm?" Yohan hums playfully. A glimpse of a smirk flickers before settling into a smitten smile. He hardly feigns innocence. It's too much fun riling up his partner. "What do you mean?"
"You-- you being-!" Gaon fumbles at firing a comeback.
Now, Gaon's at the mercy of his partner's content nuzzling. Gaon sighs at how Yohan never plays fair. It's too early in the morning to try retaliating. Or maybe he just loves this man so damned much that Gaon's willing to yield.
Gaon wraps his arms around Yohan's broad shoulders, and pulls him closer. "Still can't believe it."
Yohan runs his hand over the catastrophe of soft brown hair. It's endearing how Gaon's hair can't be tamed in the morning. "Believe what?"
Lightly, Gaon kisses Yohan's shoulder. "That I get to wake up next to you everyday."
Those soft words fade out to a whisper. Every syllable glimmers and glows like summer evening fireflies. It never ceases to awe Yohan how Gaon doesn't merely wear his heart on his sleeve. Gaon tucks his bruised, wearily stitched together heart in Yohan's hands, and trusts Yohan will keep it safe. Never has Yohan cradled anything more precious in his burn scarred palms.
The light in Gaon's eyes grow warmer with a boyish grin. "Look at how far your blush goes." Fingertips trail down Yohan's neck, and across a collar bone. Leaning closer, Gaon kisses the soft hollow above that clavicle. "So fucking cute."
Yohan's scoff rumbles out into a groan. "You can't call me that." Once meeting Gaon's eyes, Yohan's exasperation breaks into a fond grin. It's the same look Gaon casts in the conference room, the elevator, Yohan's office. Autumn eyes silently whispering delighted secrets, and welling with bright adoration. "Are you really going to keep looking at me like that? Even at work?"
Glancing off to the side, Gaon waves a sleeve flippantly. "Chief Judge, I don't know what you're talking abou-"
Yohan attacks with a barrage of fierce kisses and roaming hands. The minefield in Gaon's body explodes to unleash a fit of laughter. That sparkling, bright sound soars like a flock of doves, and fills the room with brilliant light. Yearning hands clasp together. Yohan kisses every rouge mark his lips can reach, and the blank spaces in-between. An earthquake of joy shakes Gaon's body. While holding Gaon in his arms, Yohan feels tremors of those elated vibrations. Every note of Gaon's happy gasps and carefree laughter shimmers with a prism hue.
Sunrise cadmium red. Butterfly gossamer violet. Ocean horizon cerulean. The jeweled kaleidoscope mirrors newborn flowers in the Kang estate's garden, each one nurtured with water, sunlight and murmured secrets. When Yohan ventures outside to invite Gaon for afternoon tea, he overhears hushed conversations.
'-think he'll like the new coffee cake recipe?'
'I swear, I'm going to book his entire schedule next week, so he doesn't have ridiculous meetings back-to-back for days. He needs a break. Fuck it, I'm taking him on vacation. Promised we'd go to Europe together someday.'
'-and... and I know- Mom and Dad would've loved him. I-...fuck- Why did they--'
'It'd be nice to go to the ocean together. Perfect weather for it, don't you think?'
Gaon plants golden daffodils and snow white gardenias outside the library's center window. With how often Yohan gazes past that window, he begins to see more than just a desolate, barren field. Slowly, yet breathtakingly, the garden grows and flourishes. Gaon's flowers press between the pages of Yohan's memory. When the insidious oil spill of grief and anger threatens to drown everything in darkness, those flowers break through the black ocean.
"By the way, I wasn't complaining." Yohan lightly nips at the faint maroon painting under Gaon's jaw. "You look at me like..." A soft exhale. A softer kiss behind Gaon's ear.
"Like what?" In gentle waves, Gaon sifts his fingers through Yohan's hair.
'Like I matter. Like I'm worth something. Like it's okay for me to be here. With you.' But the words can't take shape. Not yet. Yohan's voice still chokes on revealing the vulnerable parts of his heart. Of course, he trusts Gaon. But there are still things Yohan doesn't know how to say without glass cutting inside his mouth.
Silently, Gaon reads the light wavering in his partner's eyes. His hand drifts down to cup Yohan's cheek. "You're the only one I see." Gaon brushes his thumb over Yohan's cheekbone with soothing strokes, then kisses him slowly.
"Gaon-" His favorite word, his favorite name is all Yohan can say. Any other sounds melt across Yohan's tongue as Gaon deepens the kiss.
Too often people mistake Yohan holding all the reins in this relationship. And yet the man is at Gaon's mercy. Yohan incinerates from the lovingly brutal kiss, the searing touch of wandering hands. No scalpel, no hammer, no gun is needed to take apart Yohan. The gentleness of Gaon's touch pulls at the right thread, and frees Yohan from the poisonous Cat's Cradle.
The light must be greedy as Yohan. Pale gold melts over Gaon in waves softer than spun silk. Yohan's eyes follow the light chasing after the curves and angles of Gaon's body. Sunlight glows along his silhouette. Yohan brushes the blurry edges of yesterday's deep red love bites. His ears still ring with echoes of Gaon's sharp inhales and breathless laughter. Along hips and thighs, Yohan's fingers perfectly align with light indigo bruises. Some blemishes overlap spiderwebs of scar tissue. As Yohan caresses the battleground of Gaon's upper arm and shoulder, Gaon breaks the silence.
"I'm sorry."
Yohan's fingers still only for a moment, then roam across warm skin. "Don't be. You didn't do anything wrong."
Even as Yohan traces along fractured scars, his touch stays reverent. He doesn't flinch at the cluster of jagged lines and crescent moons buried under the shoulder tattoo. Or the spontaneous lines exploding like furious comet tails down tanned arms. During nights when the storms in their minds murder sleep, Gaon whispers about the origins of his scars. Most he remembers. Some he insists on forgetting.
Yohan leans closer, pressing his lips against a prominent line. Closing his eyes, Yohan quiets the vicious, feral impulse to hunt down every person who dared to lay a hand on Gaon.
"I promise, nobody will ever hurt you again." Yohan kisses another scar. His lips dwell for a moment longer, so he can memorize that precious, brave pulse.
Yohan's own skin isn't a stranger to damage. Brutal, hideous scars map out a history of childhood cruelty and torment. Memories flicker behind his eyes whenever a shirt stretches across his back, or when he catches a glimpse in the bathroom mirror. Even while wearing tailored three-piece suits, Yohan feels his father's brand of discipline searing across his skin.
But banshee hisses from jagged, twisting scars don't easily reach Yohan's ears anymore. Now, Yohan listens to the steady, gentle rhythm of Gaon's breathing. Quiet rainfall extinguishes the raging forest fire in Yohan's mind. His inhales and exhales match Gaon's lulling tempo.
Fabric softly whispers as Gaon seeks out Yohan's hand. Drowsiness doesn't stop Gaon's subconscious need to hold onto his partner. Sometimes, it's only a finger or two loosely curling together. Other times, their hands reunite like magnets with palm lines melding.
This morning, Gaon laces their fingers until no empty space exists. His thumb brushes over Yohan's knuckles with the same caress given to new foliage leaves. Tenderness soothes the echoes of scorching embers. Yohan's hand heals well after Gaon takes care of him that night.
But Gaon's stricken expression still weighs heavily on Yohan's mind. During the last nightly patrol, Yohan's ambushed in an alley fight, and collapses harshly. Knuckles scrape across rough asphalt with the ferocity of igniting matchsticks. Skin ruptures. Molten blood smears over gravel. A swear crashes behind Yohan's gritting teeth like tidal waves smashing into the cliffside.
Although fire douses his hand, Yohan doesn't give a damn about the raw wounds. He's not afraid of pain. He's not afraid of scars. But a thousand arrows of fear pierce Yohan as he strikes back with clenched, bleeding fists. Yohan's only afraid of bringing home more blood and violence to Gaon. This isn't the first time Yohan gets hurt while delivering his own brand of justice. And it sure as Hell won't be the last time.
When will this be too much for Gaon?
When will Gaon reach his breaking point?
When will Gaon leave Yohan behind for good?
Haunting questions circle Yohan's mind like a savage army of gnats. The static buzzing grates at his ears whether Yohan smashes a criminal's jawbone, entertains hyenas at another dinner party, or lays here in bed with Gaon.
A slow, troubled breath scratches inside Yohan's throat. He watches Gaon trace the curves of his knuckles. "You're not going to ask me to stop?"
Gaon answers first with a kiss, then with soft words, "Just promise me that you'll come back home." Wild light flickers in Gaon's eyes. That gentle smile sharpens into a razor smirk, and flashes with the wicked glint of a switchblade. "Or else I'll burn down the city to find you."
Throwing his head back, Yohan lets out rich, warm laughter. Apprehension rolls off his shoulders in waves. "Save the kerosene for another time, love. I'll come home to you." Yohan seals the promise with a kiss, and savors the curve of Gaon's smile. "You sleep alright last night?"
"Yeah." After a deep breath flows out of Gaon, new air floods his lungs. He brushes a kiss over Yohan's cheek. "It's amazing. I can finally sleep now." Gaon wraps his arms tighter around Yohan, his fingers pressing into scars and love bites. "When I'm with you, it doesn't feel like I'm going to explode out of my skin any second. I feel..." Closing his eyes, Gaon indulges in breathing deeply, slowly, and basking in Yohan's warmth. "--safe."
Brushing back those bangs, Yohan kisses Gaon's forehead, and silently gazes at him. Dreadfully dark circles no longer smudge under Gaon's eyes like cursed soot. The stricken lines of grief cease to etch across his face. Gaon's breathing follows a steady, relaxed tempo. It's not the jarring, painful staccato hyperventilation that Yohan wakes up to many nights.
After they start sharing a bed, Yohan quickly discovers that he's not the only one haunted in his sleep. Some nights, crackling embers under Gaon's skin flares into a vicious panic attack. Gaon wakes trapped inside a burning coffin, the decaying bodies of his parents wrapped around him. Other nights, glacier water rises above Gaon's throat, touching under his jaw, tormenting him for hours with the uncertainty of whether he'll drown or not.
'I-I'm sorry,' Gaon gasps into the pillow while trying to smother himself. 'I'm sorry, sorry, I'm sorry, fuck, I'm so sorry-'
'It's okay, darling,' Yohan murmurs near Gaon's ear. 'You're safe. I'm not leaving you.'
A sob wracks Gaon's brittle bones on the verge of implosion. 'Fuck- you're losing sleep, because of me, I'm sorry, Yohan, I swear, I-I'm trying to-- fix myself, you deserve better, I should go, I need to-'
'Stay.' Yohan catches Gaon's wrist before nails can scratch and gouge at the tattooed shoulder. 'All you need to do is stay. Right here with me.' With a kiss on Gaon's cheek, Yohan holds him close. 'I'd rather stay awake with you than ever let you go.'
That night, Gaon jolts so severely with anxiety that he falls out of bed. Harsh, ugly sobs bleed into the carpet. Yohan gathers Gaon in his arms, holding him in the soft amber pool of lamp light. On different nights, it's Yohan that needs to be pulled out of the sacrificial pyre in his nightmares. The shapeshifting beast of trauma prowls, lurks, never giving hints of when it'll strike.
But for the past several nights, Gaon sleeps soundly. Less tension calcifies Gaon's bones into early rigor mortis. No invisible fist smashes open his sternum. As Yohan lets kisses scatter across Gaon's body like dappled forest light, Yohan knows haunting nights may happen again. And every time, Yohan swears he'll be there with Gaon. Holding him. Carrying him back to bed. Whispering love, only love. Kissing every scar.
"Kim Gaon." Yohan's smile grows as he watches more hints of scarlet rise on his partner's face. Even the light in Gaon's eyes shine brighter. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"
Gaon laughs shyly, but still plays at being oblivious. "Mmm, I'm not sure." Coyly, Gaon tilts his head. "Maybe as much as I love you."
"Maybe?" Yohan scoffs. He knits his brows into a scowl. "Excuse me, but I love you more-"
With lightning speed and wildcat grace, Gaon pins Yohan on his back. Gaon straddles the man easily. It thrills Yohan how Gaon preens with a cheeky grin, and proudly shows last night's marks on his body. The unbuttoned shirt slides down Gaon's frame, and pools in white waves at his elbows. Soft sunlight dances around his frame, gilding the outline in pale gold. That gravity defying hair. The smile bringing out a dimple. Those warm autumn eyes.
Yohan reaches out with the dire need to let his hands wander, discover, claim, worship. As if the more he touches Gaon, the more he can capture Gaon in the millions of Polaroids in his mind. Gaon leans down to nuzzle Yohan's neck with the nature of a smitten, affectionate feline. Yohan melts at the torrent of tenderness. The static buzzing hushes into blissful quiet.
"Let me show you just how much I love you." Gaon kisses the hummingbird pulse in Yohan's neck. When he lightly licks at it, Gaon's mouth curves into a smile as Yohan jolts.
"Gaon-" Traces of sleep roughen his groan into a thunderous rumble. Yohan bares his throat. A sharp hiss escapes Yohan as Gaon accepts the invitation, and unleashes an onslaught of devotion with his mouth, teeth, tongue. Yohan's fingers curl into soft brown strands. "You're not tired? Even after last night-"
Gaon bites at yesterday's hickey marring Yohan's neck. A jolting fissure of pleasure rips through Yohan, a harsh moan crashing the roof of his mouth, back arching before slamming on the bed. Not only does Gaon darken the hickey, but he grinds his hips with the maddening angle and searing friction that Yohan craves. And Gaon doesn't stop. Like a tsunami, Gaon keeps grinding in endless, merciless waves.
"I'm never too tired to spoil you. Just wanna give you more, give you everything." Gaon mouths hotly at the tender skin under Yohan's jaw. "And after how you wrecked me, I want to do the same to you."
Their bodies move together with echoes of last night. All through yesterday, Gaon knows there's a storm coming. It's inevitable when Yohan dresses him in a designer brand suit, keeps a possessive hand on Gaon's back during the charity event, and breaks every traffic regulation driving home. Yohan curses how insatiable his hunger for Gaon grows.
But Gaon never makes it easy for Yohan. He always leans into Yohan's touch, sips champagne while undressing Yohan with his eyes, and just maybe rests his hand on Yohan's inner thigh in the car. Gaon breaks into laughter when Yohan slams him against the bedroom wall.
Even now, Yohan feels that laughter melt against his skin. Remnants of scorching embers extinguish. Yohan isn't burning anymore. He reaches out, tucking strands behind Gaon's ear, his hand finding home on the side of Gaon's neck. As Yohan's thumb caresses that soft cheek, Gaon smiles warmly. The devastating need to taste that pure sunlight grips Yohan. He draws Gaon closer until smiles brush together, and hungry mouths meld. A kinder, loving fire sparks.
"Did you hear me talking to the flowers?"
The corner of Yohan's mouth fights to stay still. But it's futile when a smile surfaces. "What makes you say that?"
Scarlet dusts over Gaon's cheeks. Gaon burns up even more as Yohan squeezes his hand, and brushes a thumb over the curves of knuckles. Afraid that he may combust if he looks at Yohan right now, Gaon turns his eyes towards the sea. He matches his breathing to the ocean waves' lullaby.
The grocery store in the street marketplace. A taekwondo gym near the library. That soondubu jjigae restaurant a block from a bus station. Gaon can't go to those childhood places without suffocating from memories of his late parents. His father sneaking ice cream into the grocery basket with a mischievous wink. His mother yelling the loudest at Gaon's black belt exam. His parents tearing up as Gaon pays for dinner after his first part-time gig's paycheck. Those places and a hundred more scorch Gaon whenever he goes near them.
And his heart breaks with every step on this beach. A secret place hidden from the masses. Somewhere Gaon goes with his family, whether to celebrate Gaon scoring top of his middle school class, or just when the weather's nice. Gaon looks up at the overcast, pale sky. Most people may sigh in disappointment at the dreary lack of color and light. But Gaon's family always adored this weather, and cherished the scent of future rain lingering in the air. Heaviness weighs down the metal shrapnel stabbed deep into Gaon's chest. Grief rips at his weary bones more viciously than gravity.
But when Gaon looks over, and sees Yohan walking beside him, Gaon exhales. Like a bird beating tired wings against walls of a coal mine, it's a breath that's been trapped inside for too long. Thorny vines of yesterday stubbornly cling onto Gaon's legs. But as Yohan caresses Gaon's scarred wrist, or casts a warm smile his way, Gaon sees more of this moment. That long-awaited light ray guides him out of the coal mine cage.
Breath hitching, Gaon's heart hammers inside his chest. He holds Yohan's hand tighter. "I love you."
Gaon doesn't mean for his voice to crack under the overwhelming weight of yearning. Or those words to waver with a silent apology, an unspoken plea. ( 'I'm sorry for being a mess. For keeping you up too many nights. For still being haunted. But please, don't go-' )
"I love you too." Yohan keeps his gaze on Gaon, and raises their clasped hands. "Now. Tomorrow. Always."
As Yohan presses his lips against the ring finger, Gaon's eyes widen. Tears brim Gaon's stare while the kiss lingers for moments longer. Gaon watches Yohan close his eyes, the sea breeze sifting through his hair, soft light unfurling around his shoulders. An ache pulses and throbs in his chest as Gaon forgets how to breathe.
When it's only the two of them, bone-crushing armor plates fall onto the ground. Gaon's raw, vulnerable, scarred. After passing over his heart to this man, Gaon offers a knife. Stab him. Dig the blade deep. Sever their ties. Tell Gaon this relationship is too heavy, too complicated, too burdensome, too fucked up. But Yohan only reaches into the fire to pull Gaon out, no matter how long they've both been burning.
Opening his eyes, Yohan's lips brush along Gaon's knuckles. "Is it-- something..." Yohan starts slowly. Rare hesitation stalls every word. His gaze flickers somewhere else nervously, then returns to Gaon with hope. "-something you'd- want--"
Gaon answers with a fierce, relentless kiss. Devouring. Scorching. Adoring. This hunger erupts from Gaon like a brutal tempest. Hand gripping Gaon's hip, Yohan matches that searing desire, and deepens the kiss. Gaon reaches for Yohan's hair, fingers curling into dark strands. As Gaon's other arm wraps around the man's shoulders, Yohan pulls his partner into an embrace.
Something purer than water spills between their lips. A breathless laugh. A delighted sob. Once lungs ache too strongly for air, the kiss breaks. But Yohan and Gaon remain in the embrace with the waves singing around them.
Gaon brushes a smile along the line of Yohan's neck, then kisses his cheek. "I believe in the future again, because of you." With his eyes on the clear skies beyond his partner's shoulder, Gaon seeks out Yohan's hand. Fingers lace together like stars and planets aligning. Gaon's chest aches once feeling the thunderous beating of Yohan's heart. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
Blinking through tears, Yohan presses his lips against Gaon's temple. "Christ." He chuckles warmly. Deep fondness wells in his gaze. "Don't steal my thunder. I'm the one who brought this up, so I'm going to ask."
"Mmm--" Gaon leans back just enough to see Yohan, and still stay in his arms. A smile eases Gaon's eyes into crescent moons. "But what if I do? What if I'm the one that asks first?" Gaon grins playfully. "Will you marry m-"
As lips collide in a kiss, the question bursts with laughter. Its warmth, its light scattering like sunrays beyond the ocean's horizon.