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Ever since the start of the final scenario, Yoo Joonghyuk had been awfully quiet. Sure, it was hard to find any time to talk on the battlefield, and Kim Dokja wasn’t expecting any blatant sweet-talking amidst the chaos and pain they were struggling through. But this time it was different.
No exchanged glances. No brushing of their arms together as they fought alongside each other. No small smiles hidden by Joonghyuk’s pop up coat, and not even the quiet hand touches he would do every once in a while. Those had been more frequent since they grew closer.
Dokja analyzed Joonghyuk’s hardened expression as they ran through the hallways of the Final Ark. At first he thought Joonghyuk was mad at his plan to become the Enemy of the Story on purpose but… He seemed more-so lost deep in thought.
Ah, his eyebrow twitched. Was he making a serious decision of some kind?
“Yoo Joonghyuk.”
Joonghyuk’s eyes snapped to him. What? Dokja could hear Joonghyuk’s annoyed tone without him even saying it. It felt a little relieving to look into his eyes.
“I thought you were mad at me,” Dokja gave a strained chuckle, narrowly jumping over some debris.
Joonghyuk clicked his tongue. “Shut up or I’ll throw you again.” There was a slight cheekiness to his frustration that only Dokja could see.
Right, Dokja knew that this was no time to joke around. Though he was certain Joonghyuk was thinking really hard about something. He was the Supreme King so… As long as he fought without holding back it would be fine if his mind was somewhere else.
Han Sooyoung cussed at them about flirting in the wreck they were in, and Anna Croft looked somewhat perturbed by her words.
Dokja wished that he could have savored that lighthearted exchange. There was no more strength in his hands, and he dared not give the kids any reassuring headpats in case they could feel how much his fingers were shaking.
Even in the library, the sight of Uriel’s bloody feathers cascading onto the ground before his eyes were still fresh in his head. It replayed like a haunting nightmare. They were all safe now. He did the best he could. He tried his damn hardest to believe that.
What seemed like the consecutive happenings of the most violent barrage of adrenaline and grief in his life passed by in a whirlwind of emotions and bloodshed.
Eventually, here they were, resting in the train that was going to lead them to the Oldest Dream.
The hum of the subway train filled the silence, along with the occasional chatting and laughing of the company members who sat around on the chairs and floors. Yoo Joonghyuk seemed to look at his hands with some concentration, mumbling to himself.
“I need to do something, so you’ll have to get out for a moment.” He talked to himself, and paused. The air crackled with sparks as he hunched over and gagged, the surrounding company members tensing up in alarm when a dark void spilled out of his mouth.
Dokja approached worriedly, just to see the darkness rise from the ground and form the silhouette of the Secretive Plotter.
“I would have had no issue residing within you until you met the Oldest Dream,” The Secretive Plotter raised an eyebrow at Joonghyuk, his true voice toned down a tad bit so as not to affect the rest of the party members nearby.
“Unfortunately for you, I do,” Joonghyuk responded dryly, and the Secretive Plotter let out a huff before leaning against the train wall with his arms crossed, closing his eyes.
Joonghyuk then turned to Dokja, murmuring in a low voice. “I need to talk to you.”
The company members clamored excitedly against the malleable wall of steel Lee Hyunsung created in between the train cabins as per Joonghyuk’s request.
“Hyunsung-ssi, c’mon, leave us a small gap so we can eavesdrop…!”
“They’re definitely making out, definitely. I swear on my writer’s instincts. My Predictive Plagiarism.”
“Move unnie, I want to see too…!”
Hyunsung, bombarded with the hoard of restless onlookers, let out a helpless whimper. He looked over to Yoo Sangah, who simply shrugged with an apologetic grin.
On the other side of the steel layer, Joonghyuk had dragged Dokja to another cabin. He scowled at the muffled whispers beyond the metal, before facing the man before him.
“Finally you look at me properly,” Dokja couldn’t help but grin. Despite the joy that bubbled up in this moment, his smile was strained and tired from all the tears he shed in the Final Ark. Joonghyuk pursed his lips together.
“I looked at you a few times during the scenario.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
Those fleeting glances he gave felt like they were shallow companions back in the early scenarios again. Joonghyuk rubbed his temples. “… I was thinking about things.”
“Right.”
It didn’t take a lot to know that whatever Joonghyuk was thinking about would be said right here and now. The gears in Dokja’s head began to turn. Did he brainstorm about a foolproof way to succeed in their confrontation against the entity at the end of the train ride? Did he figure out who the Oldest Dream was? This was Yoo Joonghyuk, so he was probably awfully thorough about his whole thought process.
“It’s nothing like that,” Joonghyuk responded as if he could read Dokja’s mind. As he always did.
Dokja nodded towards the train seats, asking if his companion would want these thoughts to be discussed while they sat, and Joonghyuk shook his head. It seemed that it was a difficult thing to bring up, and so Dokja stood there patiently. The only concern would be how long this train ride would be. If it weren’t for the possibility that they would arrive at their stop at any moment, then Dokja would have been perfectly fine waiting however long for Joonghyuk to form his thoughts.
Finally, the taller man spoke, his eyes fixed to the ground in a sort of uncertain awkwardness.
“How are you holding up?”
Dokja blinked. Ah, because… Because all that happened back there. In the Ark and Final Wall. He let out a shaky breath, and raised his hands a little, as if to tell Joonghyuk to take a look himself. He was doing a lot less than okay.
Joonghyuk was giving him that sturdy face that told him he would do anything in that moment to make him feel better. He never really took these offers unless Joonghyuk made the first move. But now he just… He wanted to be comforted. Maybe he had grown much closer to his partner than he expected.
Stepping closer, Dokja practically fell forward into Joonghyuk, his hands pressed up against Joonghyuk’s chest, his face buried in the crook of his neck. Joonghyuk caught him in an embrace without missing a beat. His grasp was as tight and warm as ever, supporting most of Dokja’s weight.
It wasn’t as if the way things panned out were less than ideal. Their dearest constellations managed to stay alive. They saved the people that meant most to them, even going against the Dokkaebi King. It was a feat that many would not dare to carry out.
Although of course, that didn’t mean they came out unscathed. Joonghyuk looked at the new wounds and gashes on Dokja’s limbs, the shredded pieces of his coat. Oh how disheveled the man looked.
He gingerly shifted his arms so that he could envelop as much as he could, and pressed his lips to Dokja’s forehead. As if he were consoling a child.
Dokja melted into the kiss, digging his fingers into Joonghyuk’s coat.
He wanted to fall asleep in Joonghyuk’s arms just like the night before the final scenario.
They spent a short amount of time like that, Joonghyuk carding his fingers through Dokja’s hair carefully, and Dokja closing his eyes against the tender touch of those hands that were stained with blood just a while ago.
The prolonged silence subsided when Joonghyuk gently pulled Dokja away, so they stood face to face. There was a resolute glint in his eyes.
“When we all move into the big house,” He started at last. “You can do your thing and earn back all the coins you lost. You’ll probably figure out a way.”
Dokja laughed. So the important thing Joonghyuk was mulling over all this time was about the house they would buy when this was all over? Somehow he found it utterly endearing. “You have too much faith in me. The star stream is mostly gone, y'know?”
Even if they turned out rich or not after all this, they would still try to find a house together. That was a shared sentiment that didn’t need to be said to be established.
Joonghyuk ignored his qualms and continued. "Being a Pro-Gamer can bring in money from time to time so, when you’re having trouble I’ll chip in as well.”
“Chip in from the beginning you bastard.”
“Right.”
Dokja leaned against a train pole. His earlier anxieties about what they would face at the end of this train ride had worn down slightly.
Joonghyuk looked a bit more relaxed as well, though there was still some stiffness to his delivery of words. When was the last time he had talked this much anyway? "If you ever overwork and get sick, I'll take care of you."
The imagery of Yoo Joonghyuk at the kitchen counter in a pink frilly apron, making some warm porridge-like dish crossed Dokja’s mind, and he stifled a laugh.
“Oh? Would you make me soup so I can feel better?”
“Maybe it’ll be tomato soup if you’re being a prick.”
“Why you… Did you get that from the Secretive Plotter’s memories?”
A nonchalant scoff meant yes. Perhaps Dokja would have a kind word with the 999th regression residing within the Secretive Plotter when this was all over. He rolled his eyes and spoke his piece as well.
“I’m not as good of a cook as you, but I could make simple porridge if you got sick too.”
“I don’t eat food prepared by other…” Joonghyuk caught himself mid-sentence, before furrowing his brows. “... I’ll taste test it.”
Both of them had lost count of how many exceptions they had made in their own lives for each other. Those exceptions Dokja noticed from time to time had been carefully collected in his hands like small glimmering stars, and had been sealed in his memory so he could remember them forever.
“You won’t have to force yourself as long as you don’t do any streams until the crack of dawn or something.” Dokja teased.
“My health is not that fragile.”
“So you do stream that late?”
A small yelp left Dokja’s lips as Joonghyuk reached forward to pinch his nose. He sputtered some half-hearted curses, grabbing Joonghyuk’s hand. Their fingers shifted far too quickly to intertwine the other’s, the comfort of each other’s palms had become a necessity they yearned for more often than they’d like to admit.
“If you ever stop feeling the same way…” Joonghyuk mumbled.
“I won’t. I hadn’t for ten years. And counting.”
“I went through at least fifty-three.” Suddenly it was a competition to one-up each other.
“I died for you quite a few times,” Dokja quipped jokingly, but something in Joonghyuk’s eyes twitched as he brought that up, and he shut his mouth. Maybe that was crossing a line.
“It’s not really fair,” A defeated sigh exhaled through Joonghyuk’s mouth. “I can’t prove anything to you through that method because you never let me go through with such sacrifices.”
“Because you’d regress.”
“I know.”
They trailed off, and then they chuckled at each other.
“I love you,” Joonghyuk proclaimed, the phrase decisive and firm, like all his previous runs of saying it were practice to lead up to this point. Dokja’s heart crumpled in joy at the way Joonghyuk’s words were laced with affection, and the way he looked at Dokja like he was standing before his whole world.
“... I do, too.”
“You never say it fully.”
“I…”
“I know. Don’t worry about it.” You can tell me when you’re ready , Joonghyuk thought.
Those inaudible sentiments scattered here and there time and again in everything he would do for Dokja, and the latter would never know how to address the snowball of gratitude that kept rolling in his heart for his companion.
Dokja chuckled, god, he was in so much pain from their battles earlier but he was happy. Happy to be talking to Joonghyuk like this.
“Was all that what you were thinking so hard over for the past day?” He scratched the back of his head, feeling amused.
Joonghyuk’s expression faltered, and he lapsed into a prolonged silence. He looked at Dokja, and Dokja returned his gaze. It didn't take Dokja long to realize this silence was Joonghyuk's way of trying to tell him something. Something he found difficult to say out loud.
“Can’t you give me a hint?”
“Figure it out.”
This man had too much faith in his capabilities…
Then so be it.
The longer Joonghyuk’s silence, the harder it was to say, Dokja learnt.
And so it was his job to try and decipher these things. He had gotten better at it, albeit not the best.
Ever the rationalist on these occasions, Dokja surmised that the thing Joonghyuk wanted to address would be closely linked to their earlier conversation. His mind swam as he compiled and recompiled their words and sentences, stringing them together into countless possible issues.
The shift in Joonghyuk's topics, from the talk about wealth, to taking care of each other when they got ill. From their relationship, to the possibility that they wouldn't make it out of this alive.
…
…?
Dokja repeated those words in his head over and over. And something unraveled its seams as it slowly, but surely, dawned on him.
For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.
To love and to cherish.
For the rest of their…
…
Dokja stopped moving. His eyes flashing a mix of shock and indescribable emotions overflowing from within.
So… So this was what he thought about for so long?
This, of all things?
Joonghyuk seemed to let out the softest exhale after noticing the visible change in Dokja's demeanor.
He raised his hand to the latter’s, interlocking Dokja’s left ring finger between his own index and thumb, forming a ring.
Leaning their knuckles together, he squeezed lightly, and didn't let go.
Like a promise. A reservation.
[The fable “Life and Death Companions” is resonating gently.]
Dokja didn't even notice how he had forgotten to breathe for a moment. They stood there in silence, the train tracks reverberating through the empty cabin, and the stars glowing calmly through the windows.
He had gotten… Significantly better at not running away whenever Yoo Joonghyuk pulled some shit out of left field like this. But this, this… Dokja didn’t even know how to react. He didn’t even know how to sort out the thirty-something feelings that were forming a tornado in his chest.
In his mind, usually flooded and swarming to the brim with thoughts, Dokja couldn't think of anything else. Anything that was louder than the faint breaths that left Joonghyuk’s lips. Anything that was louder than the beating of his own heart. The warmth of Joonghyuk’s hand felt like it was searing into his skin.
After a while, he looked at Joonghyuk with trembling eyes like he still couldn't believe what was happening.
"... Wh..."
Why me?
“You know why,” Joonghyuk replied, his voice no louder than a whisper.
Dread was creeping into Dokja’s chest now. “We don’t even know what lies at the end of this train ride, you…”
“You’ll stay.”
“Joonghyuk-ah,” The words came out in a breathless plead. He didn’t notice the tears brimming in his eyes until Joonghyuk raised a finger to brush it away, clearing his blurred vision. It hurt. It hurt that he didn’t know if he could keep this promise. The worst might happen, he might need to let go of all of them again, and…
Yoo Joonghyuk knew that. He knew Kim Dokja was the type to throw everything they had built away just to make sure they got out of this alive. He knew this might all come crashing down. So why did he choose to say this now?
He had to. There was a nagging voice in his head that urged him to do it now no matter what.
“Dokja,” Joonghyuk said, and he tried to smile. It wasn’t an instinctive one, so it was still rough around the edges. But he smiled, as gently as he could.
Dokja’s heart, which had already melted into a puddle, felt like it had just evaporated into the air.
He didn’t know how to respond.
And whether it was a blessing or a curse from the heavens, he didn’t have to.
“Sorry to interrupt guys, but it seems like we’re reaching our stop,” Heewon called to them, her loud voice barely permeating through the metal sheet.
The steel wall warped as it shrunk and liquified, streaming back into Hyunsung’s hands.
The company members stared at them, and then at the tears streaming down Dokja’s face. The kids immediately ran up to Joonghyuk, punching his waist and chest for bullying their guardian. The metal had done its work so that none of that conversation had been heard by them.
Through their adamant grumbling, and some members wrestling them away from the barely-fazed former regressor, Sooyoung was observing Dokja with keen eyes.
The others didn’t hear but, it was Han Sooyoung of all people, so maybe she knew what they had talked about.
Joonghyuk faced the Secretive Plotter, who had opened his eyes and stood with firm and calm poise, ready to let him possess his body once more. This was it. They were going to find out who was behind this whole fiasco. They would put an end to this once and for all.
Dokja found himself grabbing his partner’s wrist with a sort of panic he couldn't describe.
Joonghyuk looked back at him with widened eyes.
His voice shook as the words left his lips, unsure and trembling, not at whether his feelings were true – because well, they had been true for the past decade – but rather, if it was even okay for him to say it.
The words that he had never dared to think again ever since a long, long time ago.
"I love you too."
Dokja said for the first time.
And then they saw the final train station slowly approaching in the distance.