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Let Dan Heng make this clear.
Despite being banished, despite not knowing what it looks like beyond the few glimpses he saw when he was being led off the ship in the final steps of his exile, despite how grateful he is to the Astral Express, the Xianzhou Luofu was, is, home.
Like all Vidyadhara who have undergone rebirth, Dan Heng doesn’t recall his past life. It’s all been wiped away, like waves washing away the footprints in the sand. He consumes book after book about the Luofu until he knows more about the Luofu than any studied scholar. He seeks what is publicly available videos there are and memorizes the scenery until he knows the place like the back of his hand. There are things he knows, bone-deep, things that seem to linger. But he doesn’t remember and nothing settles the ache in his heart.
(Except…except…in his dreams, there are echoes.)
(Dan Heng dreams.)
He runs and runs. He runs from the pain in his heart. He runs from the place he called home (for countless rebirths). He runs until his feet hurt, until he is weary and exhausted, until Himeko and Welt find him and extend a hand. He lets himself rest in the Astral Express, grieving in a way he can never explain to Himeko and Welt.
He knows the sins of Dan Feng. He knows that he doesn’t deserve to bear the consequences of the crime, but there’s no changing the facts.
Dan Heng is banished.
(He cannot even seek the gentle touch to his cheek and the tender look in golden eyes that peer down at him.)
And no matter how he resents his previous incarnation, somewhere in the back of his heart, he agrees. Dan Heng knows Dan Feng’s crime and agrees.
But there are regrets.
So many regrets.
Dan Feng wants, wanted, nothing more than to protect those precious to him.
And… Dan Heng is no different in that regard.
He’s a failure of a high elder.
Like every incarnation before him. It’s a wonder his people tolerated him at all. Their history is painted with his bad decisions as a high elder. Yet over and over again, they welcomed him.
He’s loved, so very much so, and that makes this all the more difficult.
Dan Heng recognizes that for all they admonish him, they all smile gently at him and bow to his will. He recognizes the care and gentleness in their gazes. He recognizes the love they hold for him.
And once more, that gentle tender gaze is directed at him.
“It has been a long time… old friend.”
Jing Yuan looks at Dan Heng.
Dan Heng knows of him.
The Arbiter-General of the Xianzhou Alliance. One of the Six Charioteers of the Xianzhou Luofu. Jing Yuan The Divine Foresight.
(A whisper curls in Dan Heng’s heart.)
Dan Feng knows him.
Jing Yuan’s golden yellow eyes just barely contain a storm of emotions. Emotions that Dan Heng shouldn’t be able to read, but can. Jing Yuan looks at him like Dan Heng is hung from the stars, like a dying man in the desert stumbling across water for the first time in days.
The edges of his lips curl ever so slightly, a suppressed smile, a delight to see Dan Heng. An ever so slight twitch, a restraint from rushing forward and the matching sadness that tints it. The invisible shape of regret hangs, in centuries lost, in words unsaid, and Dan Heng does not remember (but Dan Feng does).
And there, in the eye of the storm, rooted so deeply, is love.
Dan Heng mentally wails with guilt.
“I’m not him,” Dan Heng says because he does not deserve that love. He’s not Dan Feng and Dan Heng doesn’t remember, he doesn’t, he doesn’t.
That love belongs to Dan Feng.
Dan Heng only unduly bears the consequences of Dan Feng’s sins. He has done nothing to earn Dan Feng’s treasures.
“Mm… I’m sorry,” Jing Yuan says. He smiles, wider this time, his eyes slipping close.
Fake! FAKE! Dan Heng’s heart screams at him. A fake smile to hide. A fake smile to lie. And he’s always hated when such smiles are directed at him. He never wants Jing Yuan to smile like that at him.
(But… it is what he deserves.)
Dan Heng pushes forward, unable to bear this tension any further. He cannot forget the reason why he came aboard the Luofu in the first place. He wanted to see his homeland as Dan Heng to make sure his friends are safe.
Jing Yuan reaches out, grabs him by the arm to stop him.
Electricity jolts across Dan Heng’s skin and he knows it’s not from Jing Yuan’s ability.
Jing Yuan snatches his hand away, but just as quickly recomposes himself. “You cannot leave yet,” he says, words falling quickly from his lips. It’s a plea. Yet the second half of his words come out smoothly, like a general giving commands. “—your Astral Express friends are waiting for you in Scalegorge Waterscape. Shall we go and see them together?”
He steps closer, erasing the distance between them. Still not quite touching, but just a single breath between them. Dan Heng looks up at Jing Yuan and sees ever so clearly.
“I’m not him,” Dan Heng quietly repeats.
Jing Yuan reaches out and lightly strokes Dan Heng’s cheek. A light touch that makes Dan Heng’s skin tingle and his heart skip a beat.
“I know,” Jing Yuan whispers. His gaze is tender and the love is even clearer. The regret hangs in his tone.
Dan Heng stares up at him and trembles ever so slightly as a tiny, tiny, tiny revelation rocks his world.
‘But… I think I could love you like him.’
-.-.-
Jing Yuan wakes and regrets.
No, that is inaccurate. He does not regret it because stopping Phantylia had to be done, no matter the cost. He would do it again if the situation repeated itself.
But he aches in a way that his body hasn't ached in over a century. The type of enemies that truly push him to exert this kind of effort are far and few between. (Is it perhaps a sign of old age? He is beginning to slip past his prime and he knows it.)
As much as he would like to sleep in to recover, he is still the General of the Luofu. Fu Xuan is capable and Yanqing will pick up where she stops, but morale would be better if Jing Yuan shows up and helps. There is much to be done to restore order to the Luofu and Jing Yuan is hardly looking forward to it. But it must be done and he still has a responsibility. And thus, Jing Yuan slowly opens his eyes.
A familiar visage looks down at him.
"Dan Feng?" he says, losing himself, losing the time.
The storm of emotions he kept at bay these last several centuries came crashing back down on him.
He cannot stop himself from reaching out and feeling the warmth of the skin beneath his fingers. The joy to discover it is not a mirage, not an illusion, not–
"I'm not him," a voice cuts through the last of his exhaustion.
Jing Yuan remembers.
"Dan Heng," he corrects.
He falls back to his bed, turning his head away. His hand rests over his eyes, further shielding them. Jing Yuan cannot bear to look at Dan Heng right now.
His heart yearns and yearns. He was so young when he met Dan Feng for the first time and fell in love. And a lovely courtship it all had become. He still remembers their lazy afternoons under the shade of the trees, when all their lessons were done, a simple time spent together in each other's embrace. He still remembers stolen kisses, fleeting as they went throughout the day and the passionate ones that pepper the skin each night. He still remembers the exploration of each other's bodies, every expression Dan Feng made, his soft, gentle words that were whispered only to him.
He remembers when Dan Feng looked at him with love in his eyes.
Something wraps around his wrist and gently lifts his hand away from his face. Jing Yuan’s breath catches as he realizes it is Dan Heng’s tail.
Dan Feng used to do that all the time, out of both a desire to touch and sign of possession.
His heart trembles as he sees such tenderness in Dan Heng’s eyes looking down at him.
'Please,' his heart wails, 'please don't give me hope if you're going to walk away again.'
Jing Yuan has grieved Dan Feng for centuries. Jing Yuan has loved Dan Feng for centuries. Many sought to see him settle down, to start a family and raise children. But after Dan Feng’s imprisonment, after Dan Heng’s banishment, Jing Yuan wouldn't, couldn't, still cannot, consider anyone else. He will carry this torch for Dan Feng until his dying day.
But he is the General of the Luofu and there are things he cannot do. Despite knowing Dan Heng was out there, Jing Yuan never contacted him, never went after him.
He has picked his duty over his lover.
(Jing Yuan regrets that.)
It isn't like he doesn't understand why Dan Feng did what he did. He does, to a degree at least.
(Another mourning, another grief, another regret. Something had been budding between the three of them: Jing Yuan, Dan Feng and Yingxing. But it was cut short so soon.)
The best he could do for his lover was exile.
And oh, how that hurt.
It was a lie that the Ten Lords Commission knew about the flaw in the exuviation charm. The truth of the matter is that for all that the Xianzhou Luofu and Vidyadhara have lived closely together, there are still many things that the Vidyadhara keep secret and many things the Xianzhou Luofu only have a surface understanding of.
So the flaw had slipped their notice.
But not Jing Yuan’s notice.
And that was because he had seen Dan Feng’s love for him in Dan Heng’s eyes and had seen it vanish, emerald eyes gone cold when Jing Yuan delivered the verdict of Dan Heng’s banishment.
(It was the only way to save him. It was the only kindness he could give him. Better a life of banishment than imprisonment for eternity in the Shackling Prison.)
He never told anyone that.
(He betrays the Xianzhou for Dan Feng, only it is too late.)
Jing Yuan doesn't deserve Dan Feng’s (Dan Heng’s) love.
And yet…
And yet the coldness in Dan Heng’s eyes has vanished.
"Sleep, Jing Yuan," Dan Heng says.
His name. Not a title. His name.
"I—"
"Your subordinates are handling the cleanup," Dan Heng says firmly. "And the Astral Express crew are assisting with the sealing of the Stellaron. Rest for now."
Then…
Then let him have this weakness.
He grabs Dan Heng’s wrist and tugs, gently pulling Dan Heng onto the bed with him.
Dan Heng allows it.
His tail vanishes and he curls next to Jing Yuan, tucking himself next to Jing Yuan the same way Dan Feng used to. Dan Heng wraps an arm around Jing Yuan’s waist and there is a faint smile on his face.
"Cannot sleep alone?" Dan Heng teases.
Jing Yuan’s face burns as if he is a young boy again, easily flustered.
"No," he says with a light cough.
He hesitates, unsure for once. But he has come this far, he might as well.
"Stay with me?" Jing Yuan asks. (For today, for tonight, for the rest of their lives together.)
Dan Heng goes quiet. He softly sighs and closes his eyes, pressing his face into Jing Yuan’s chest.
"For tonight," Dan Heng whispers. "We'll talk more about it later."
A dangerous, dangerous, dangerous hope blooms in Jing Yuan’s chest.
-.-.-
Jing Yuan is an easy man to love.
Now that Dan Heng has allowed himself that little concession, he finds new reasons.
It has been a week since they defeated Phantylia and Jing Yuan had spent most of it asleep. Chaos is still everywhere in the Luofu, but it steps closer every day to peace. It's bustling with activity for the cleanup and Fu Xuan is effectively in charge while Jing Yuan recovers.
Dan Heng, meanwhile, has been confined to Jing Yuan’s house.
Partly because he is technically still an exiled criminal who snuck back on board the Luofu. Partly because he refuses to leave Jing Yuan's side.
As he has not been pardoned, he cannot be seen in public. Especially since he cannot dismiss his current form for some reason. He thinks he could fold himself back into the form that the rest of the Astral Express knows him best by, but he hasn't quite figured it out.
No one can arrest him either, not when there are so many witnesses in the Cloud Knights who saw him help defeat Phantylia. So his presence has been kept secret from the public and Dan Heng is excluded from the cleanup efforts.
No one is happy that he insists on staying by Jing Yuan’s side though, except for his friends who think it's an excellent idea and Fu Xuan who went a little quiet at first but allows it. Everyone, even Yanqing, lets it go after that.
Bailu arrives for the examination of Jing Yuan and because she is also a high elder, she is privy to Dan Heng’s presence as well.
(It's nice to see her again. Dan Heng doesn't remember her, but… the echoes do. And he has a favorable impression of her because of that. He is proven right and Bailu is sweet and caring. If she, despite being so young in Vidyadhara eyes, fills him in on some of the basic things about being a Vidyadhara that no one has taught Dan Heng and that he doesn't remember as Dan Feng, well, it is bonding.)
So Dan Heng stays by Jing Yuan’s side.
The echoes are a little stronger and he knows Dan Feng spent much time here. If he's delighted to find a big bathtub for soaking (a tub Jing Yuan had built for him), if he finds pictures of the two of them tucked in corners and hidden spots that you had to know where to look to see them, if he finds the books Dan Feng gave Jing Yuan all well read and worn, then Dan Heng takes all that in and simmers.
(He is not Dan Feng but he is loved.)
The Vidyadhara do not talk about the similarities that carry from one reincarnation to the next. While nurture has just as big an impact as nature, there are things that repeat.
If the echoes tell Dan Heng that he still likes the same tea as Dan Feng, well it means he enjoys the stash in Jing Yuan's kitchen. If settling to sleep by Jing Yuan’s side is like second nature, like a puzzle piece sliding into place on a bed that's too big for one person, then Dan Heng finds himself nesting. If he finds many things built to accommodate someone of his height and not Jing Yuan’s height, then things are a little bit easier.
It's clear that this house is built for Jing Yuan and Dan Feng.
Dan Heng isn't Dan Feng, but at his core, they are the same and it's oh so easy to fall in love again.
And if in his waking moments, Jing Yuan draws him close, holds him tight, and presses kisses to his horns, then… Dan Heng surrenders and thinks, 'Maybe, maybe, maybe.'
'Maybe I can just love you and that will be enough.'
-.-.-
Jing Yuan wakes.
And the Vidyadhara by his bedside is not Dan Heng.
It is the Dragon Lady, Lady Bailu, future High Elder of the Vidyadhara. Dan Feng’s successor.
He remembers now. This morning Fu Xuan arrived with the request that Dan Heng help with the examination of the seals on the Arbor’s roots and to ensure they are put back in place properly. The Vidyadhara are buzzing with hushed rumors, Jing Yuan doesn’t doubt. He bets they're aware what it means that Scalegorge Waterscape’s waters have parted. It is not something Lady Bailu can do, perhaps never, perhaps eventually, but nothing they could have waited for.
Dan Heng had gone, because his fragmented knowledge that he recalls as Dan Feng is all they have right now.
He’s surprised that Lady Bailu hasn't gone with them. This would have been the most opportune moment to learn the precious knowledge that was lost with Dan Feng.
“I did,” Lady Bailu says, as if reading his mind. “There was much to learn by Lord Dan Heng’s side and he taught me what he could. The Dragon Palace is far more beautiful than described in the books. We, Vidyadhara, do not exactly remember the rebirth process and thus very few have seen the Dragon Palace in person… since Lord Dan Feng’s death.”
Yes… Jing Yuan understands that. It does not explain where Dan Heng is though.
Lady Bailu smiles, hiding a laugh.
“Lord Dan Heng is taking a meal with the rest of the Astral Express crew,” Lady Bailu says. “They have missed him and I fully encouraged it.” She tilts her head and there in the sunlight, Jing Yuan can see a trace of the High Elder she will become. “As I wanted to talk to you privately and this was the most opportune moment.”
“About?” Jing Yuan says. Dread bubbles in his heart.
She doesn’t say. Instead, she gathers the books and paperwork he had been working on before he had fallen asleep and organizes them.
Curse this exhaustion. Jing Yuan cannot remember the last time he had been this drained. It had already been two weeks and he still sleeps most of the day away. His energy isn’t returning no matter how much he rests.
“How are you feeling?” Lady Bailu asks.
“Exhausted,” he admits.
She hums noncommittally.
“Lady Bailu?” Jing Yuan asks when she says nothing.
“It is a complicated thing,” Lady Bailu admits, “I do not know where to begin.”
“From the start?” he jokingly offers, hoping to settle both his and her nerves.
“The start,” she mutters. She looks down, finger to her lip as she mulls over her thoughts and finally organizes them.
“Then let me state the facts,” Lady Bailu says. “As the future High Elder of the Vidyadhara, one of the first things they taught me was Lord Dan Feng’s story. As both a warning to not make the same mistake and as a lesson of understanding.”
“Understanding?” Jing Yuan asks.
“I will… confide this secret to you, General,” Lady Bailu says, “but far more Vidyadhara are sympathetic to Dan Feng’s choice and it is only because of him that a rift between our races did not form for what the Xianzhou Luofu did to him. And that sympathy will only grow in the centuries to come.”
That confession knocks the wind out of Jing Yuan. He had no idea.
“What?” he asks. “B-but there were so many angry.”
“Back then, yes,” Lady Bailu says. “But now? Now, many understand.”
She picks at the edge of her dress. “To understand that, you need to look further into our history and understand some of the peculiarities that come with our reincarnation. We do not talk about the similarities that carry onto each reincarnation. Most Xianzhou natives do not notice because typically most will only meet one of our incarnations as by the time we finish our rebirth cycle, they will have most likely been struck by mara.”
That was true. Jing Yuan had never met Lady Bailu’s previous incarnation. She had gone back to Scalegorge Waterscape right before he had been born and it was only halfway through his life that she had hatched and returned. The reincarnation cycle was not instantaneous. It took at least two centuries to complete but most average four centuries.
“As such, most do not notice,” Lady Bailu continues, “that at our core we remain the same people. Our experience shapes us, true, but there are many things we end up repeating through our life simply because we like or dislike something. I always reach for healing in every one of my incarnations for example.”
Jing Yuan thinks about how easy it is to see Dan Feng in Dan Heng. For all that Dan Heng denies that he isn’t Dan Feng, the mannerisms are still there. It’s in the way he moves, so easily through this house as if he has never truly forgotten that Jing Yuan put his favorite dishes at his eye level or that towels are kept on the third shelf in the closet. It’s in the way that he will be several feet away and his tail will materialize to wrap around the nearest part of Jing Yuan he can reach. It’s in the way his cooking tastes the same.
“If you were to reach into our history for anecdotes about my previous incarnations, you will find many will describe me with similar words. We are the same, but we are also different. My last incarnation had a taste for bitter. I do not. It’s been quite a nightmare to make her medicines more palpable,” Lady Bailu says with a wry smile.
“I am following,” Jing Yuan says.
“Then you do understand what it means that Lord Dan Heng is, and always will be, a Vidyadhara High Elder?” Lady Bailu asks.
“I… do not think I do,” Jing Yuan says slowly. There is a piece he is missing here, a subtle nuance.
“If you view Vidyadhara history only through text it is hard to piece together,” Lady Bailu says. “This is not the first time Lord Dan Heng has changed his name. He changes it often. The change from Dan Feng to Dan Heng is simply the latest. As such through text, it’s hard to realize that we, Vidyadhara, have been calling him High Elder almost all the way back to the origin of our race.”
Her eyes glow with wisdom beyond eons old. “He is Imbibitor Lunae forevermore. It is not a title he has inherited, it is his. No matter how many times he changes his name, he is Imbibitor Lunae, High Elder of the Vidyadhara.”
Slowly the pieces snap together.
“Imbibitor Lunae is the High Elder who offered to seal the Arbor’s roots in Scalegorge Waterscape,” Jing Yuan says. “He’s the same High Elder who is recorded to have helped with the settling of the Foxian Race on the Xianzhou Luofu, hammering out the treaty after a bloodied war.”
“He is the same High Elder who brought us to Xianzhou Alliance, leaving our home planet,” Lady Bailu says with a small smile. “Do you see the pattern?”
“He is the High Elder behind almost every difficult and conflicted decision in all of Vidyadhara history,” Jing Yuan says, jaw dropping a little.
“Yes,” Lady Bailu says. Her smile grows wider. “This is what our history tells us. Imbibitor Lunae is a High Elder of decisive and firm decisions. They are decisions that are highly controversial at its time, so much so that people spit and curse his name, forcing him to change it by his next rebirth. But they are decisions for the betterment of our people and for the ones we love around us.
“They are decisions made out of love.”
Lady Bailu closed her eyes, serene. “Lord Imbibitor Lunae is someone who through every incarnation loves fiercely. He wishes nothing more than to protect those he loves. So he will make these difficult decisions and see them to reality. And for those of us who were so angry, after one rebirth cycle, after the slate has been wiped clean and we can view his decision through a more rational lens, we understand why he did what he did and can see the positive impacts of his decision. We understand, so we sympathize. We tell ourselves it will not happen again, but it does and we are eternally grateful that he is so forgiving.”
She opens her eyes and clenches and opens her tiny hands. “And what he does for us, he does ten fold for those close to his heart.”
Oh.
“Then his crime as Dan Feng…” Jing Yuan trails off.
“-is one done out of love,” Lady Bailu finishes. “Even though the world may hate him, may curse his name and spit on his feet, he does what he does out of love.
“He loves our people, so he took us from our home planet that was killing us. He loves the Luofu, so he offers up the Scalegorge Waterscape to prevent its destruction. He loves peace, so he stops the war.”
“He loves Yingxing so he turned him immortal,” Jing Yuan says with all the heartbreak he could barely contain.
Lady Bailu stands on her seat, turning to whack Jing Yuan with her tail. “You’re misunderstanding,” she says sharply, sitting back down as Jing Yuan rubs the spot where she hit him.
“What am I misunderstanding?” Jing Yuan asks, weary and tired. His heart aches. He loves Dan Feng (Dan Heng) but if Yingxing was Dan Feng’s final choice, then so be it.
(The potential was there, between the three of them, maybe, maybe, maybe. Jing Yuan could have come to love Yingxing the same way that he loves Dan Feng, he knows it. But there hadn’t been any time to figure it out.)
“I am telling you because he will do the same for you,” Lady Bailu says. Every word is heavy and serious.
“I’m already a long-life species,” Jing Yuan says.
“You’re two long-life species who are currently out of sync!” Lady Bailu snaps.
She sighs and shakes her head. “I have to admit that I only know this out of the records left behind and the few senior Vidyadhara who still remember. But the exuviation charm, do you understand its function?”
“It's forced molting,” Jing Yuan says. “And… it did not wipe all of Dan Feng’s memories from Dan Heng.”
“Yes,” Lady Bailu says. “It is a quick and dirty method, honestly a horrible one. I understand why my elders had picked that method. It’s effectively a sped up version of our rebirth process. Crud and without all the positive benefits. Do you understand that Lord Dan Heng is much younger than you? He is just barely out of his youth, all things considered. Vidyadhara live up to 700 years at a minimum before they feel the call to return to waters.”
Jing Yuan frowns. “Are you saying I’m too old for him?”
Lady Bailu slaps her forehead in frustration. “No! I’m saying he’s going to outlive you.”
“I’m getting old but I still have a few centuries left in me,” Jing Yuan said.
“One.”
Jing Yuan blinks. “I beg your pardon?”
Lady Bailu points at him. “You have, at most, one century, General. You sacrifice too much in the battle against Phantylia. Even with my medicine to suppress Mara, you will befall Mara within the century. The link she opened up between you and her still exists and it’s only because Lord Dan Heng is stabilizing you that you have not wilted away completely.”
The intensity in her gaze deepens. “I ask, are you prepared that you will leave him behind in less than a century, General? That he will spend at least the next half a millennium without you?”
“Are you prepared for what he will do when he realizes that he will lose you?”
Jing Yuan is speechless.
Lady Bailu’s expression softens. Grief, a grief that does not belong on one who looks so young, etch on her features. “We, Vidyadhara, do not handle loss well,” Lady Bailu says. “We have lost so much and no matter how much the waters of our rebirth cleanse it, some of that trauma continues to carry on with us. Sometimes we think the reason why a few do not wake from their rebirth cycle no matter how many centuries have passed is because the trauma accumulated in an eternity is too much to bear.”
“I tell you we understand why Lord Dan Feng did what he did to Yingxing. We understand it is the highest crime in the Xianzhou Alliance, but we understand why he did it. We do not deal with loss well, and the loss of someone so dear to his heart? Any one of us would have been driven to the same. The apologies he left in his letters, the emotions, the grief and love as he decided that this was the only way even though everyone around him would condemn him for it, the plea that we judge him and only him for the sin he committed and not to defend him because he will not let anyone else fall for his crime, we understand.”
She opened her arms in a helpless gesture. “Lord Dan Feng dared to turn short-life mortal Yingxing into an immortal because he could not handle the loss of him. What will he do when he realizes you will be lost to him so soon?”
Now Jing Yuan understands.
He understands the subtle meaning in Lady Bailu’s words. If he cannot convince Dan Heng to let him go (and he will not because Dan Feng was the most stubborn man Jing Yuan knew and he could see the similar shades in Dan Heng), he runs the risk of becoming something that the Xianzhou Alliance condemns because if Dan Feng turned Yingxing into an immortal, then he perhaps, knows a method that would further extend Jing Yuan’s life.
Or worse, he would risk Dan Heng following him to the grave, permanently.
He stands on the precipice again, between his duty and his love.
Lady Bailu has given him the ultimatum. If he cannot deal with the possibility of becoming something the Xianzhou Alliance hates (betray The Hunt and deal with The Abundance), if he cannot convince Dan Heng (and he will not), he needs to let go of Dan Heng first because all other roads will lead to Dan Heng’s destruction.
Lady Bailu takes out a pill bottle and places it on his bed table. Inside a golden pill shines.
“What is this?” Jing Yuan asks.
“Something only Vidyadhara High Elders are allowed access to. Something that is under every definition of the law, illegal in the eyes of the Xianzhou Alliance,” Lady Bailu says wryly. “Something that will save you and Lord Dan Heng some trouble if you both agree.”
She takes a deep breath and utters some of the most blasphemous words that Jing Yuan had ever heard. “This is the Binding of Dragon’s Heart elixir. To succinctly put it, it binds another soul to a Vidyadhara’s soul. It will eventually turn the mortal soul into a Vidyadhara. In the first life, the mortal soul that is tied to the Vidyadhara’s soul will follow the same lifetime limit. When the end of the Vidyadhara’s life approaches, both will return to water and after the rebirth cycle is complete, both will reemerge, the mortal soul is reborn as a Vidyadhara. It is… the closest thing we Vidyadhara have to a reproduction cycle.”
Lady Bailu looks out the window besides Jing Yuan’s bed and peers off into the distance, seeing far beyond. “I suspect that Lord Dan Feng had wanted to offer this to Yingxing but Yingxing’s sudden and violent death meant there had been no time. He most likely tried to replicate the elixir on the fly as Yingxing laid dying and given the stories I’ve heard about Blade the Stellaron Hunter, it seems Lord Dan Feng mostly failed. Though I would also guess that the exuviation charm also played a role in its failure.”
Jing Yuan can only stare at her. Once again he is at a loss of words.
Lady Bailu turns back to smile sadly at him. “There is a reason why there are almost no Vidyadhara who are newly welcome after we joined the Xianzhou Alliance. We will have to seek more eventually as more and more refuse to return from the water. We are dwindling. But it is hard when this one aspect of our culture is viewed so negatively here.
“I suspect that he does not offer it to you because it is asking you to betray the Xianzhou Alliance in every sense of the word. But it also means Lord Dan Heng may attempt something as drastic as he did with Yingxing as you lay dying. Or follow you to the grave. Or perhaps I can only hope his travels with short-life species will teach him better on how to let go. “
She picks up the pill bottle and shakes it, letting the pill clink against the glass. “This will break the link between you and Phantylia and tie you to Lord Dan Heng until the natural end of his current reincarnation. This means you would have to give up being the Xianzhou Alliance’s Arbiter-General for not only will you be extending your life beyond the millennium of a natural Xianzhou native lifespan but also in your next rebirth, you will become a Vidyadhara. You will have to leave behind the name Jing Yuan for we cannot let the Xianzhou Alliance know about this elixir.”
Lady Bailu set the pill bottle back down. “You two should talk. For I have seen how you look at him, General. Ever since I’ve first met you, you’ve always had a kind word about Lord Dan Feng. If I can prevent the same tragedy from repeating again this time, I will do so, no matter how many rules and laws I must break.”
She jumps out of her chair, standing up.
“An eternity together,” Jing Yuan says softly. The appeal is overwhelming.
“Well,” Lady Bailu says, “whether you fall in love again after your rebirth is another thing. After all, the water washes away all memories. You remain the same, but different. You may not fall in love. You may fall out of sync, one too old, the other too young to conceive such a relationship.”
She laughs brightly. “After all, according to my personal records, Lord Imbibitor Lunae is the one who made me a Vidyadhara. My first incarnation was effectively a human daughter he adopted. We’ve fallen out of sync over the millennia, trading off mentor and student roles. This is the first time in many millennia that we are peers once more. I’m quite pleased even if the circumstances that lead to it were horrible.”
Lady Bailu bows. “Please treat him kindly, General. If you are going to break his heart, break it now before he falls in love with you again.” She grins like she already knows Jing Yuan’s decision. “If you choose to continue onward, then I welcome you to the Vidyadhara.”
She turns over the first page of the paperwork she had helped organize when she arrived. It is the paperwork that declares Dan Heng a traitor no more, a paperwork that will go very highly contested but Jing Yuan is a man of his word.
(Plus this way, he can plead for Dan Heng to remain.)
Lady Bailu has absolutely seen straight through him.
Humming, she turns the paperwork back over and turns to leave but Jing Yuan stops her.
“Wait,” he says.
He feels so foolish to ask this to someone who is young. But she is Lady Bailu. One who is technically older than him. He might as well ask.
“Am I allowed to be this selfish?” he asks.
“Well…” Lady Bailu says. “The decision lies ultimately between you and Lord Dan Heng, for even he might reject the idea no matter how much he wishes it. But… you have served for a long time, General. And every Vidyadhara thinks that Lord Imbibitor Lunae could stand to be a little more selfish for how much he sacrifices in every incarnation he lives.”
She smiles brightly with all the clear wisdom from one so young and yet so old. “As short-life people say, you only live once. You might as well enjoy it.”
She leaves him alone with his thoughts.
-.-.-
It’s… almost stiffening.
March had insisted, outright demanded, that he join them for lunch. She claims they hadn’t seen each other forever and it is true. For they often spend close quarters together so it is strange to go almost two weeks without seeing everyone else from the Astral Express crew. He does miss them.
Dan Heng hesitates only because he isn’t supposed to be out in public but Welt, ever the experienced one, helps with that. It’s apparently child’s play for Welt to explain how to fold himself back into his first body and with some effort, Dan Heng returns to how he looks previously.
It does feel like he’s trapped inside something that’s too small. The power of Imbibitor Lunae wants to run free, uncontained. Like waves crashing on the shore, the power strikes inside of him, but Dan Heng ignores with practiced ease. He will learn to transition more freely later, but right now he wants a quiet meal with his friends. Not many people know Dan Heng is Dan Feng's reincarnation so it’s easier to go out.
Himeko has even descended from the Astral Express to help with the containment of the Stellaron. With the deeds of the Astral Express crew known to all of the Luofu, it’s easier to dock the Express and come out without fear of someone trying to steal the Express.
Pom-Pom, of course, has stayed behind. It’s a pity. It truly has been too long since they all had sat down together like this. Three weeks was almost an eternity.
(That is something he learns traveling with short-life species. Dan Heng enjoys the moment for what it is and never takes it for granted. They will all be gone from his life too soon.)
He misses them fiercely.
“We’re almost done with the sealing of the Stellaron,” Himeko says after lunch is done. He is walking her back to the Express at her request.
“That is good,” Dan Heng says, pleased that this situation will finally come to a close.
The realization hits him.
“Ah,” he says.
Himeko nods. “Yes… it is almost time for us to depart. Will you be coming with us?” she asks.
“I-”
The simple answer is yes.
Technically, Dan Heng is still exiled. He cannot remain here even if he wants to. He knows that Jing Yuan has promised to rescind his exile and Dan Heng is confident he will keep his promise, but…
But…
But Xianzhou Luofu is home.
But Astral Express is where his friends are.
But he could, maybe, maybe, maybe, fall in love with Jing Yuan again and maybe, maybe, maybe be willing to return to Jing Yuan’s side.
But life is short for those on the Astral Express and Blade is still out there.
Himeko pats his arm. She smiles knowingly. “I think you need to have a chat with the General.”
Dan Heng makes a strangled noise, cheeks flushing red. He has no idea how his friends on the Astral Express know about his feelings. He does not think he is so clear but Stelle and March hasn’t stop giggling and Welt looks so happy for him. Of course, Himeko is no exception.
“How?” he asks. Technically Himeko is younger than him, but she has always been the most senior of the Astral Express crew.
“I don’t think any of us have seen you this happy before,” Himeko says. “It’s very clear. I told you, you can always depart from the Astral Express whenever you are ready.”
“I’m not ready to let go of any of you,” Dan Heng confesses.
He is a dragon and he is greedy. His precious people are his most treasured possession and no matter his budding feelings for Jing Yuan, his friends aboard the Astral Express are some of his most precious treasures of all.
Himeko smiles at him so fondly, so full of tender love and Dan Heng’s heart aches in a good way for once.
“Talk to your General,” she says.
Dan Heng goes. He returns to Jing Yuan’s residence and is surprised to see Jing Yuan up and about for once.
(It’s good. The exhaustion clings to Jing Yuan that there are some days he cannot leave his bed beyond going to the bathroom. To see him up on his own power is a wonderful sight to see.)
Jing Yuan reaches out to stroke Dan Heng’s cheek. “You’ve returned back to your other form,” he says.
Is that disappointment he hears?
“I’m not him,” Dan Heng says. He isn’t Dan Feng and if all Jing Yuan sees is Dan Feng instead of Dan Heng, then there is nothing else to say.
He knows then what his answer is. His heart wilts and screams but Dan Heng has always made the best with the hand dealt to him.
(Vidyadhara and loss are almost synonymous.)
“I am Dan Heng of the Astral Express crew,” he reintroduces himself. “I am its guard and the administrator of its data bank.”
In this life, in this reincarnation, let him be a Nameless, let him walk the path of Akivili instead of the path of Lan.
He’ll pluck the bud of his feelings now, before they grow out of his control.
Jing Yuan lifts Dan Heng’s hand and presses a kiss to it. “I know, Dan Heng,” he says.
Dan Heng blushes at the gentle act but says nothing and doesn’t snatch his hand away.
“You intend to depart with them then?” Jing Yuan asks.
‘Ask me to stay!’ his heart demands.
“Yes,” he says instead.
“Okay,” Jing Yuan says slowly. “Okay.”
The disappointment stings that Jing Yuan will not fight for Dan Heng.
And there is the difference between Dan Heng and Dan Feng. Jing Yuan loves Dan Feng. He will not look at Dan Heng. This is why the rebirth cycle takes as long as it does. Wipe away the past life both mentally and physically for time stops for no one.
Dan Heng looks away, trying to contain the storm of his feelings. The budding love that had been slowly growing and the heavy disappointment and sharp anger.
(Is it really jealousy if he’s jealous of his past incarnation? Is it jealousy that for all that they’re not the same, they still are and this is still Dan Feng’s heart that breaks?)
(But they’re not the same. Dan Heng isn’t Dan Feng, but it doesn’t stop the pain in his heart.)
“Dan Heng,” Jing Yuan says gently. He places his fingers under Dan Heng’s chin and guides him to look back at him. “Will you wait for me?” he asks.
Dan Heng frowns at the question. Wait for what?
But his heart knows the answer. “Yes,” he whispers. He doesn’t say for eternity, because he cannot promise that. But this lifetime? Yes. Most likely. Most definitely.
Jing Yuan hums a pleased note. “Stay with me until you leave?” he asks.
“Yes,” he says.
If that is all Dan Heng is allowed to have, then so be it.
-.-.-
As the Astral Express rides away, Dan Heng sits in the caboose, watching the Xianzhou Luofu fade into the darkness of space, before the shimmering lights of the warp overtakes everything.
“Are you sure?” Stelle asks, joining him in the back.
“Yes,” Dan Heng says.
He has many regrets, but he isn’t ready to leave the Astral Express no matter how much he misses home. His banishment has been rescinded, he could return, in his original form too. He doesn’t deserve it though, no matter how much it is dressed up as a reward for his assistance. He is a selfish person and a failure of a high elder and if the rest of the Vidyahdara welcome him back, it will be a surprise.
Stelle gives him a look that suggests she doesn’t quite believe him. She shakes her head but all she says is, “When there is the chance to make a choice, make one that you know you won't regret.”
She says nothing else, sitting next to him and letting him lean against her.
Dan Heng has regrets, but this is the story of his life.
-.-.-
A year is too fleeting. It’s fast to Dan Heng as a long-life species, but this past year has been particularly downright chaotic. Even when he first joined the Astral Express, things had never gone this crazy.
He supposes Stelle's arrival brought forward a storm of change.
He doesn’t mind. It keeps him busy and there’s new things to learn, new things he has never seen.
Dan Heng has mastered slipping in and out of his dragon form. It’s easier to trailblaze if he looks like a normal standard human like most of the universe. His horns stand out so he chooses to hide them while on a trailblazer mission. But in between the missions and back on the Express, he lets loose. Allows his power to flow, uncontained, and settles into being simply as he is.
If everyone gets used to the fact that Dan Heng’s tail likes to appear and wrap around their closest limb, that’s between him and them.
“Ah! Incoming! Sudden stop!” Pom-Pom says.
The Astral Express grinds to a halt, emergency brakes slamming. Dan Heng floats, unable to brace himself properly, and just narrowly catches Himeko who falls forward.
“What’s going on?” Himeko asks, straightening as Dan Heng sets her back down.
“We were about to collide with another ship that is traveling too close to our pathway,” Pom-Pom says.
“What ship?” Welt asks.
The question is redundant as the view outside of the Express clears. It’s a familiar ship. Grand and large, a majestic ship clad in green and gold in all its glory.
“The Xianzhou Luofu,” Pom-Pom announces.
“Ooo!” March says, bouncing. “Let’s go say hello! It’s been too long!”
Everyone pauses to look at him.
Dan Heng flushes red because even now he still misses the Luofu and still wants to return there. He gives a small nod. It would be good to see everyone.
It would be good to see Jing Yuan.
It isn’t long before they dock inside of the Luofu. It looks like nothing has changed though all lasting damage caused by the Arbor has finally been removed.
What is surprising is that Jing Yuan is waiting for them as they dismark.
“Ah right on time,” Jing Yuan says with a smile, “just as the divination said.”
“General!” March says, the first one out the door.
“You came to greet us?” Dan Heng says, coming right beside her.
Jing Yuan laughs. “I am no longer General so there’s no need to address me as such. Jing Yuan is just as fine.”
Everyone’s jaw drops.
Dan Heng stares, unable to comprehend. It certainly explains Jing Yuan’s new attire. His armor is gone. A white coat with red trimming and a red belt replaced the armor, a far more casual look than his normal one. It makes him more approachable, softer now that he does not have to maintain the air of the general. It makes him look younger.
“No longer general?” Dan Heng says, finding his voice.
Jing Yuan’s smile stretches wider. “Yes,” he says. “I’ve retired. Fu Xuan has gotten her wish to inherit the General position though she’s quite put out that I’ve rushed it so much. Despite all the hard work, it still took a year for the full transfer.”
He steps closer into Dan Heng’s space, so close, not quite touching, just a space of a breath between. Jing Yuan reaches out to gently touch Dan Heng’s cheek, cupping it ever so softly.
Dan Heng’s skin tingles and his mouth goes dry.
The love in Jing Yuan’s golden eyes is so clear, as clear as water. It’s so easy to see and Dan Heng’s breath is stolen by the tenderness directed at him. If Dan Heng leans into Jing Yuan’s hand, then that’s just for him to know.
“I asked you to wait for me, Dan Heng,” Jing Yuan asks. “I am now free of all my obligations. There is no duty to hold me back. So this time, I will ask. May I come home to you?”
His other hand opens, revealing a pill bottle with a golden pill.
Dan Heng sputters. His face burns a bright red. He has the matching pill in his possession, one that Bailu had shoved into his hand and refused to take back. Dan Heng never considered the option. He didn’t ever want to make Jing Yuan choose.
And yet, all this time-! “Y-You!” Dan Heng says.
Jing Yuan presses a kiss to Dan Heng’s forehead, laughing lightly. “You said it yourself. You are not Dan Feng. You are Dan Heng of the Astral Express. I will not ask for you to stay, instead I will ask to come with you.”
This man!
Jing Yuan smiles at Himeko. “Assuming the invitation to join the Express is still open?”
“Of course,” Himeko says.
“Himeko?!” Dan Heng says.
She laughs brightly. “I told him, he is welcome to come along as long as you approve, Dan Heng.”
When had all of this been planned behind Dan Heng’s back?!
Jing Yuan looks at him like Dan Heng is hung from the stars, like a dying man in the desert stumbling across water for the first time in days. He waits patiently for Dan Heng’s answer.
Dan Heng knows his answer. He can hear Stelle’s words in his ears.
When there is the chance to make a choice, make one that you know you won't regret.
Dan Heng has many regrets and he is a selfish person. He doesn’t deserve this, but he wants, he wants it so badly.
There is only one answer.
“Yes,” he says as he grabs Jing Yuan down by his collar for a kiss.
He is not Dan Feng.
But he loves Jing Yuan just as Dan Feng did.
And that kiss is very much like coming home.