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When Kate opens her eyes, it is with a harsh breath and the deep seated knowledge she is not alone in the room.
She had been dreaming, of course, as she has been for days: of Anthony Bridgerton. Of his insolence, his quick wit, the way he matches her in an argument. Of his cocky smirk and his dark eyes. Of fantasies that will never come to pass, kisses exchanged and wandering hands and soft sighs into mouths and long nights with no stars and no clothes. She has been waking every morning with a heat in the pit of her stomach, has been trying to shake the dreams out of her head before rising from her bed, so that she may act as usual during the day. So that she may be able to exist around him, to look at him and not fall right into his arms.
Except tonight had been different. Tonight had been different, because the fantasy had become a reality.
The smallest of smiles, uncontrolled, unaware, twists her lips, eyes still closed. She turns in her bed, recalling vivdly why she no longer has to imagine what Lord Bridgerton's mouth might feel like.
And then she remembers that uncomfortable feeling in her gut, and she opens her eyes.
At the sight of him at her bedside, she startles, breath hitching in her throat - and rolls directly off her bed and to the floor.
The satisfied grin he wears while he helps her to her feet is absolutely infuriating, and she tells him so, berates him with a voice still thick from sleep, "What are you smiling about?"
The grin only widens. He sits her on the bed and says, "I didn't think you'd be that excited to see me."
With a huff, Kate looks down at the floor. Her fingers fiddle with the end of her braid. She is suddenly, inexplicably, nervous. She tries for a deep breath, not daring to meet his eyes. Her lungs feel like they've been squeezed shut. No air is finding its way into her body and her head is spinning. She does her best to remain calm, and to give him the thing he must want, must have come here to ask for: forgiveness. "Look, if you want to just forget about everything, I can -"
"No!" He calls, urgent and way too loud, and she can't help but finally look up at him. Anthony is shaking his head rapidly, and then he stills himself, shoulders rigid - Kate knows how those hard muscles feel under her palm now, and it's a memory she doesn't think will ever leave her - before dropping to his knees.
For a second, she thinks she is dreaming again, another one of her fantasies that leave her breathless and tingling.
And then he pulls out a ring.
Kate freezes, muscles taut, body stilling completely. Her thoughts come to a stuttering halt, and she stares. For a long moment, she stares, and then she realizes it isn't helping. Her mind is not working as it is supposed to, and although she sees him before her, he is only barely there, only almost real. Everything is hazy and blurred. She does not understand.
"What are you -"
"Marry me."
It's a soft whisper, and his big brown eyes come into focus, so pleading and full of adoration she wants to fall to her knees next to him and kiss him breathless again. Her heart is beating so hard she fears it might break free from her ribcage. Maybe, if it ever does, it will fly right into his palm. That is where it has always belonged, anyway.
"I..." she begins, but her words fail her. Her eyes are brimming with tears, and she does not know what to say. She wants to, with all her heart, is pulled to him by forces beyond her control, but saying yes would mean to take something for herself, at the cost of her sister's happiness. It is something she has never done. She does not think she wishes to start now.
And yet, can she imagine her life without him? Can she, well and truly, see any joy for herself in returning to India and remaining alone, after knowing the taste of his lips, the depth of her emotions for him? It is too much. She closes her eyes.
"Kate," he says, and again, just like last night - her name on his tongue is an end to all things. She slides down to the floor beside him, tears falling, hands shaking, heart pounding; all of her a storm. With a finger under her chin, he forces her to meet his eyes. "Please, listen to me."
How could she ever deny him anything when he asks her so?
She nods, and he continues. "I know you want what is best for your sister. Believe me," he pauses to exhale, sigh, "no one understands that better than I do. But I cannot make her happy. Not... not when it is you I want." Her breath catches, as he gently, gently brushes his thumb across her cheeks, wiping away the tears. "I love you, Kate. And if I marry Miss Edwina, I will still love you the same. Please, do not condemn us all to unhappiness. Let yourself have this. Let us both have this."
She hears it clearly, the way he begs without begging, the way his voice shakes under the pretense of confidence. She hears the fragility, the unsure way in which he asks for something for himself. Not for duty, not for his family, but for him, her, them.
Kate's head is spinning, but then he cups the back of her neck, foceful, grounding. His other hand is still holding the ring. Pressing his forehead against hers, he whispers, "If you say no now, I will not ask again."
The silence weighs heavy on them for a long moment, only their breaths resounding in the quiet, half lit room, reflecting the pink and orange hues of the sun rising outside. Colors of hope. Anthony sighs and continues, strained, his voice growing stronger and clearer: "But you must know that I have never felt about anyone the way that I do about you. You must know that I - I love you, and I have loved you and I will love you, now, still, always. If you will give me a chance to show you that I can be better than I have been, and yourself a chance at true happiness, and your sister a chance to find someone who will be able to love her truly - you will not regret it. I swear."
Unable to hold back any longer, Kate leans forward to find his mouth, kisses it like she needs it to breathe. His arm wraps around her middle, her hands once again in his soft hair. She can get used to this, she thinks. She can let him love her for the rest of their lives. Perhaps she wants nothing more.
It has been very long since she has thought about what she wants.
When they part, he keeps her close, one arm pulling her tight against him. His other hand, against her hip, is still gripping the ring he'd come to offer. The ring she desperately wants to accept.
"I must speak with Edwina," she murmurs inoto his cheek, finally ready to surrender. There is not much else to do when faced with a man like him, begging to love her. She feels as his expression shifts, a smile claiming his features, and then he pulls away to look at her.
"Kathani Sharma," he says, breathless, in awe. His eyes sparkle like a thousand suns. "Is that a yes?"
She cannot help but smile back, hopeful. For once, hopeful.
Once Anthony has finally, finally left her in peace to dress, after countless desperate kisses and longing touches, she readies herself as quickly as she can, not even bothering to call for any help, and heads to find her sister.
Edwina is in her room, likely having just awakened, hair still resting on her shoulder in an unkempt braid. Her smile is warm and bright, sharp like a knife where it cuts through Kate's heart. "Didi!"
Kate tries to return the smile, but her throat is tight and so are her lips. She sighs, "Bon, we must speak. It is important."
Edwina's eyes are big as she nods, grabbing hold of her sister's hands. She sits them on the bed and stares at Kate patiently, her doe eyes gleaming, curious, concerned. Kate cannot bear the thought of her hurting her. She would rather tear out her own heart.
Still, she feels an echo of a voice in her ear, and a memory of a mouth on hers, and she knows: it is too late. What's done is done, and she can never undo it. She can never un-kiss him, can never un-love him, can never forget what it had been like to have him in her arms. And, so the hurt cannot be undone - it can only be revealed, and it is time. It is time she faces the reality she has created. It is time she gives them all a fighting chance.
"Edwina," she sighs, squeezing her sister's hands. Her throat hurts. "I love you, and I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what, Didi?" Edwina's voice is soft and sweet, dripping innocence like honey, and Kate just wants to hold her to her chest and shield her from the world for the rest of eternity. She knows that she cannot: Edwina has grown between her arms, blossomed into a wonderful young woman, and she should treat her as such. It is long overdue.
Kate presses her eyes shut, takes a deep breath. "Anthony - Lord Bridgerton - he has asked me to marry him."
The look of confused heartbreak on Edwina's face sends a shiver through Kate's entire body. Her chest hurts like it's been punched, and her breath stutters.
"I - I don't understand."
"I'm so sorry, Bon," only when she speaks again, does Kate realize that she is crying, not for the first time this morning. Tears are rolling down her cheek and her voice is shaky. "I didn't mean for this to happen, but I..."
She knows the words she wants to say, but she stops anyway. They feel too big for her mouth, too heavy for her tongue to carry. She does not know how to bring them to life without shattering herself, and her sister, to pieces.
Edwina's eyes are wide and glossy, and Kate loves her more than life; wants to take it all back, knows she can't. "I don't understand," she repeats, and her voice trembles. Kate can feel her start to pull away, and her grip on her hands tightens. She cannot bear it.
"I love him," she says, the words new and bittersweet, muttered, half stuck in her throat. Still, she knows that they feel right, like they had been meant for her all along. There is no time to dwell on it now, with her face wet from her tears and her lungs squeezed too tight. "I'm really, truly sorry, I - this was never my intention. It just happened."
It seems impossible for Edwina's eyes to open any wider, but somehow, they do. Her mouth opens and closes a few times, but no sound comes out. And then, "You... love him?"
"I - yes." Kate tries to sound decisive and sure, and not like she is shaking all over - even though she definitely is, and Edwina can definitely feel it. They are both crying now.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Edwina demands, soft and harsh at the same time, obviously torn between all sorts of different emotions. Kate can relate.
"I'm so sorry," she says again, wishes she could somehow make Edwina see into her heart and realize the depths of her sorrow, how much it hurts to hurt her. How much it feels like hurting herself. Her voice cracks as a sob escapes her, "I didn't mean to - I didn't even realize. I swear, I would never - it just happened, and I - I've never felt this way, for anyone. I didn't recognize it for what it was until last night."
"Last night," Edwina whispers, recognition seeping through. "Last night, at the ball, when you were dancing together, when he ran off after you spoke to him about marrying me -"
Kate's voice is as soft as can be, fingers tending to a wound. "We were both - feeling things. We were both confused. I am so sorry, my love." She is still crying, and dear God, will the tears ever stop? The sight of her sweet Edwina, a rose in its prime, so desperate and shaken and heartbroken, makes it impossible to hold them back. She does not feel that she can ever calm down, not until Edwina's hurt has subsided. "I truly didn't realize. I thought the tension between us was hatred and anger, not -"
"Love?" Edwina completes when she trails off, and Kate nods. Her sister's expression is still sad, but her tears seem to have stopped falling. That, at least, is an improvement.
"I know you want to marry him, and I would never want to take what's yours, I have given my life for you and I would gladly do it again, but I... I want him to be happy. I want you to be happy. And I..." swallowing thickly, she closes her eyes, feels the pain in her chest and the dampness behind her eyelids. "I want to be happy, too." It's a whisper, but she knows her sister hears it, because she gasps.
When Edwina says, "Kate," it is sharp and merciless, a wake up call. There is a fierceness in her that is foreign - or maybe not so foreign at all, and Kate has just been closing her eyes in denial. "Listen to me very carefully. I will not lie to you: this hurts me, and it will likely hurt for a while more."
Kate's tremors, few and far between by now, multiply. She cannot bear the thought. "Bon, if you don't want me to go through with this, just say the word. I would do anything for you."
Edwina's brows furrow, and she calls, "I will not! You have given up so much for me, what makes you think I cannot do the same for you?"
"I am your older sister," Kate replies, quiet and soft. "It is my duty. It is what I live for."
"That is not true!" Edwina says, frown still set in her features, as she rises from her seat on the bed to pace about the room. There seems to be too much energy coursing within her for her to sit still. "You are supposed to live for yourself, not for me. And I would not want you to be miserable so I could be happy. Especially considering the fact that Lord Bridgerton has proposed to you, not me."
Kate's eyes find the floor, the carpet beneath her feet suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. Edwina kneels before her, a twisted version of the earlier events. But where Anthony had made her feel both scared and excited, now there is only dread. Hurting Edwina feels like cutting off her own limb. Feels like it's the end of the world.
"Kate," Edwina's voice is soft again. "I do not want him to be unhappy, and I certainly don't want you to be unhappy. I wish you had told me sooner, but I - I understand. Love is something that can happen to us sometimes, and it's happened to you. It will hurt for a while, but I will settle for being happy that you are." Brave as ever, she tries for a smile. "And I am sure my own happiness will find me soon enough."
"Still, I am so sorry. I never wanted my happiness to be at your expense. I should have done something, I should have -"
The reply is delicate: "There was nothing you could have done." Edwina takes Kate's shaking hands in hers again, "You fell in love."
Kate sighs, the weight on her chest suffocating. She has just a little fight left in her, still insistent, "But it shouldn't have been for the man you wanted."
"I am certain that if you had any control over it, it would not have happened," Edwina says confidently, and she is, of course, correct. Had Kate been able to control her emotions, she would have put a stop to all of this pain a long time ago. But alas, she cannot, and her heart blooms under the sun that is Anthony Bridgerton.
"I'm sorry," she says again, just for good measure, wiping the remnants of tears from her cheeks.
Edwina gives her a tentative smile. "I forgive you." There is a sadness in her eyes, but she squeezes Kate's hands anyway. "Be happy, Didi. You deserve it."
With the most bizarre sense of deja vu, Kate falls to her knees on the floor beside her sister and hugs her until they can both breathe again. "How did you grow up so fast?" She murmurs. Edwina laughs, a strained sound, and her tears wet Kate's shoulder as she weeps silently, ever the perfect maiden. Something in Kate's clenches, and the knowledge that she has hurt her sister still lives deep in her stomach. She does her best to make peace with it: Edwina is a grown woman, and she has made her choice, has said her final word. Kate knows now that even if she were to argue, Edwina would fight her. They are sisters, and she cares for Kate as Kate does for her. It is time to understand that sometimes it's important to please yourself, too.
When the sisters finally rise from the floor, there is the slightest movement to be caught through the window, somewhere in the gardens. Edwina seems to notice first, and as she concentrates on it, makes out the shape, a tight smile twists her lips.
"There he is," she says, soft and a little sad. Kate tries to live with it. "Go get him."
She hugs Edwina one last time. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," Edwina laughs, squeezed too tight between her arms. "Go!"
For once, Kate doesn't need to be told twice. She runs, out of the room and down the stairs and out the big, white front doors, unable to breathe until she bursts into the garden.
"Anthony!" She calls, heart in her throat. It feels more real now than ever, with her sister's approval granted. His step falters at the sound and he turns quickly, eyes locking onto hers. Unwittingly, Kate finds herself running towards him until she crashes into his embrace, mouths finding one another, arms wrapping around each other. Her feet leave the ground as he picks her up, and she is floating, literally and metaphorically. For once, it's allowed, and okay, and they don't care who sees.
The sun is another embrace around them, shining, golden, on their happiness. Anthony lowers her to the ground, still holding her tightly, and the golden light makes for a halo around his head, his eyes blindingly bright. She could never have imagined, when they met, what a man he would be, what he would make her feel. She could not have imagined how beautiful she would find him in moments like this, sunlight in his bones. His smile is wide, dimples showing, and he is warm against her, and she loves, loves, loves him.
Gentle, as though afraid to break it all, she touches her hand to his face, presses their foreheads together.
"Thank you," he whispers against her lips, sends secret, private words rolling down her tongue, "for giving me a future I want to dream of." He pulls away then, and she wants to protest - but then he reaches into his pocket and takes out a small box. When he slides the ring on her finger, slow and steady, eyes boring into hers, Kate can physically feel her heart swell in her chest. It is painful, overwhelming. Absolutely wonderful.
A breeze washes over them like a caress, a kiss, and she notices her cheeks are damp. God, this has happened too many times today: she has become too soft. She will ruin her image.
She doesn't get a chance to ponder it much, though, because suddenly she's hauled off her feet. Anthony picks her up again, hands curled around her back and below her knees, and she squeals indignantly. He laughs into her hair.
"Anthony Bridgerton, you absolute -"
"Do be quiet, future vicountess, and let me show you to your future rooms."
Much to Kate's dismay, that shuts her up. Cheeks flushed red, drowning in sunlight and happiness, she buries her face in his neck and lets him carry her into a future she has never let herself hope for.