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Junior year prom was everything Alec ever could’ve wanted when he first started high school.
His mother managed to find him a nice tux at the bargain shop that needed very little repairs. Aly was buzzing around the house, taking as many pictures as she could despite his complaints. His friends showed up right on time to pick him up, all gushing about each other’s looks for the night.
And best of all; he was going with Funneh.
She looked ethereal in midnight blue, with her hair done up in pretty waves. It was simple, and yet so undeniably her. Not like she needed to dress up anyway—he thought she was beautiful no matter what day it was.
They all take a bunch of cheesy pictures, probably enough to fill up his mother’s entire camera roll. Funneh’s leaning on his arm at first, laughing at each goofy pose Evan begs them to do. And then suddenly, before the flash goes off on the final picture, her eyes are locked with Alec’s. He can never seem to look away when it comes to her; she’s magnetizing, and she doesn’t even know it. They stay like that well after everyone else is dispersing to gawk over the photos.
Eventually Gold leads them all away to their cars so they can get over to the venue before the line at the door gets too long. The sun had already set, and the stars were shining particularly brighter. Or at least, it seemed like they were. Maybe it was just because Funneh’s dress was leaving little specks of blue glitter everywhere, making everything look prettier.
As they get out of the car and usher themselves inside the building, Funneh reaches for his hand. He allows her to grab it as she gives him a hopeful squeeze just seconds before they step through the door. The very motion sends goosebumps up his arm.
The music is loud and the lights are bright—both two things Alec always hated about high school events. He doesn’t let that falter his happiness, though. Evan splits off when he sees members of the music club that he knows, but Gold demands the rest of them get to the dance floor immediately. It doesn’t matter that the music sucks, because everyone else seems to be ignoring that little fact. People all around them are jumping and moving around the room with every beat. Some of them might be a little buzzed already, honestly.
Kyran tries to stay behind as Gold and Funneh lock arms. And, well, Alec refuses to let Kyran try to get out of this. He pushes his friend forward so he’s thrust into the center of the dance floor. Kyran barely has time to register what’s happening before people are greeting him and making him dance. He can guarantee that most of them probably don’t even know who Kyran is, but nobody cares. It’s prom though, so everyone is in a good mood.
Alec watches everyone with a smile. It was the type of night every normal high schooler was supposed to get. He was happy for once.
But he knew that wasn’t going to last very long; Yumi had made that very clear when she last spoke to him. Her little hints and minimal words had planted wild ideas in Alec’s head—terrible ones that kept him up at night. He knew he had very little choice when it came to his own life, but for some reason that hit especially differently on this night.
Funneh grabs onto his suit sleeve, breaking his chain of thought. And God, when he locks eyes with her again, it’s very easy to forget that in a matter of hours or minutes, he will be forced to ruin everything he has. She smiles shyly—the sight making Alec’s stomach turn—before dragging him out to the dance floor. He doesn’t try to protest. He wants to, but he wants more to savor the little moments he has left with her.
The group continues at it for a long while before Alec loses track of time. His feet hurt and he wishes someone would recommend that they ditch the rest of the dance and go get food somewhere, but also Funneh doesn’t seem in much of a rush to go anywhere, so he decides maybe it isn’t so bad.
Eventually, out of nowhere, Evan’s band gets a hold of the mic and they begin playing live music, which is much more favorable compared to the previous crappy mix the school had put on for everyone. They play a few energetic songs to rewake the crowd before Evan makes his way to the piano. Immediately, everyone knows that the mood has shifted.
The students in the room begin to couple up. Gold grabs hold of Kyran, and even if it’s platonic on either side, it’s still pretty cute. Alec is already stationed by Funneh’s side, but he takes one of her hands into his as Evan plays a few slow keys on the piano. She giggles softly, moving to rest her arms on Alec’s shoulder.
They sway slowly like that for a while, just enjoying each other’s presence. Funneh takes the time to look around at all their friends and just relax by Alec, but he can’t bring himself to do the same. He keeps his eyes locked on her like she’ll turn to dust any minute. Maybe because he’s afraid she will; he can see it so clearly in his mind, Funneh collapsing motionless in his arms with nothing he can do about it. Red staining her dress, the light leaving her eyes—it’s all too possible. He holds her closer at that.
She probably feels him tense up. She brings her attention back to Alec, making him feel a mixture of relief and sadness. As Funneh raises one hand to touch his cheek, he focuses on the song playing in the background.
‘Time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me.
I know I could have loved you,
But you would not let me’
He doesn’t quite know why everyone is slow dancing to such a depressing song. Nobody else seems to mind, but it’s still pretty weird. Though, Evan is killing it on the piano.
Alec forces his attention back to Funneh and allows the music to fade back into the background. She moves closer just a little and rests her chin on his shoulder as they dance. He hates how much it brings him comfort—just hearing her breathe and feeling her heart beat against him.
“This has been a fun night,” she says. Her voice comes out quiet and sincere in the spot between his shoulder and his neck.
He really does love her voice. Had he ever told her that? He probably hadn’t, given her very presence always seems to trap the words in his throat. Still, someone should be saying that to her; even if it can’t be him.
“Yeah,” manages to get out in a whisper. “Thanks for coming with me.” He hadn’t asked her in a super extravagant way like everyone else was doing, which made him worry she’d say no. But Funneh enjoyed the simple things in life. Better yet, she loved the unexpected. So one night while they were both available, he offhandedly suggested they go down to the local drive-in. She had no idea that Alec had already checked online to see what was playing, or that he had planned everything down to the minute in advance (with some help from Aly, obviously) so she accepted his offer. Once she got there, she realized the movie that was playing was ‘DEAD!’ and she just about died of laughter. And then, between bites of burgers and popcorn, he asked her if she’d go to prom specifically with him. It was perfect and just so undeniably them.
When he zoned back into reality, Funneh was chuckling softly under her breath. “What, you thought there would be anyone else I would’ve wanted to go with?”
Yes, in fact, Alec thought about that often. She deserved better than everything he was. He didn’t know why she always hung around him and messaged him during periods of his own self-isolation. Even when he wasn’t around to do the same, she continued to do it. It made him ill; just knowing she was actively choosing to stick by his side despite everything.
His quietness must’ve made her catch on to his weird mood because she lifts her head off his shoulder and looks him straight in the eye. Her eyes are so concerned, which only adds to the sick feeling in his stomach.
She keeps her voice low and steady as she talks, “You do realize I don’t want to be with anyone else, right?” she asks with a small smile. “I like being around you, Alec.”
The way she emphasizes her words makes his heart skip a beat. Her sincerity only makes things harder, though. Because just as Alec opens his mouth to speak and tell her all the things he likes- no, loves about her, he catches a glimpse of a couple slow dancing behind her.
Yumi’s watching both of them with an extremely dangerous look in her eye. Her gaze passes over the shoulder of some poor sap who probably thought he was the luckiest guy in the world when she offered him a dance. He, of course, has no idea what she’s capable of; Nobody does in the room besides Alec.
And that’s why, when he finally manages to overcome the dryness in his throat, he says this: “I can't be with you, Funneh.”
Her expression changes to one of confusion. She steps back just a bit, and it kills him just how much he misses her already. She repeatedly opens her mouth and shuts it again, eventually deciding just to beckon him off the dance floor in silence.
He stands for a minute there, completely alone amidst everyone else while the music keeps playing. He can feel Gold’s glare boring into the back of his head, but he’s not focused on her or Kyran. Instead he watches carefully as Yumi smiles, then turns away from him like she had never been staring in the first place.
A smile never looked uglier on her than at that moment.
He tears his body away from her, wishing he could permanently do such a thing. He follows Funneh through the crowded room and out into the hall of the venue where nobody else is. She’s waiting for him as she leans against a wall, not looking too distraught and yet also not necessarily content either.
Alec feels shame. She’s not even looking at him, and yet he can feel it radiating off of her and onto him.
Funneh keeps her gaze locked on the ground between her two sparkly shoes. “Look,” she says, breaking the silence within the hallway. “I didn’t mean to spring things on you. I’m sorry, I just—“
She looks up at him. Her expression is almost amused, but Alec knows it’s more of a helpless one. Like when the humor of a situation completely overtakes the hopelessness of it. He decides that’s one of his least favorite Funneh expressions he’s ever seen.
She gazes around the hallway, brows creased together. “I guess I just don’t understand. I hardly ever do, now that I think about it,” she chuckles dryly.
Alec swallows hard. She never deserved any of this—that much was always clear to him. Yet now, he had only one wish; he wishes he never got involved with her sophomore year. He wishes he could’ve just stayed out of the Funneh/Gold/Valerie friendship circle and everything that surrounded it. His life could’ve been easier, but no, he just had to be so drawn to her. Yumi even warned him time and time again that he was being idiotic and thinking with his heart rather than his head. Hell, even Celeste and Elijah tried to talk sense into him on particularly bad days.
But Alec was stubborn. And he, so desperately, wanted to be with her.
He sucks in a breath, closing his eyes as he speaks. “No, I’m the one that should be sorry. I’m… being a jerk,” he says truthfully.
She looks at him again, more annoyed at him than before. “You are,” she explains, “which is why I’m confused. You are not a jerk, Alec. We all know this.” Funneh takes a moment to take a long, drawn-out breath as she rests her forehead against her fingertips. “So why are you doing this?” she asks finally.
Her voice cracks on the final word. Funneh’s voice is not meant to crack or sound as broken as it does. She could never even imagine how much this fact sends stabs of pain through Alec’s body.
“I can’t—“ he tries to form the words, but they don’t quite come together correctly. She tries to step forward at his hesitation, her hand raised mid-air to reach out and touch him. He feels himself stepping back, much to his own dismay. The action brings apparent pain to Funneh’s expression.
“I’m so sorry,” is all he manages to get out. It sounds so pathetic coming from him; he’s made her feel like shit time and time again, and that’s all he can say about the situation? God, if she didn't already hate him, that feeling was most definitely about to change very soon.
Funneh frowns. Her sparkle only appears on the surface now, with her face dropping sadly despite her pretty makeup and shiny dress. Alec of all people shouldn’t be allowed to have such an effect on one of the greatest people he knows. It’s like a slap to the face watching her wipe a single lone tear out of her eye before it can drop.
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, attempting a smile. It wobbles, coming out less soft than it was moments ago on the dance floor. Part of him feels like he doesn’t deserve that specific memory of her.
“Okay,” she croaks, visibly cringing at her own voice. “Okay, I mean— you don’t have to explain yourself right now. I would never want to force you into anything.”
Under different circumstances, he would’ve said yes. He would’ve swept a loose hair from her face and kissed her on that dance floor like he had before and told her that he’d date her forever if she so wanted him to. He would’ve done anything in his power to make her happy and to not have to hear that sad, hurt voice that escaped her tonight.
But that wasn’t reality. This was reality; him, a mess of his own emotions, and her, a broken-hearted girl drifting farther and farther away from him with an indescribable frown on her face.
But Funneh always managed to remain hopeful, no matter the situation. So he really shouldn’t be surprised when she reaches out and gives his hand a sympathetic squeeze before he can flinch away.
“But just so you know, I’ll always be here,” she whispers. “Here and… waiting. For you.”
That was probably the worst thing she ever could’ve said. It would’ve hurt less if she simply yelled at him and cursed his name. But this? Her, with her cold hand wrapped around his as she spoke to him with such care… it was awful.
Alec could feel blood get drawn from just how hard he was biting down on his own tongue, but he didn’t care. She wanted so badly to keep holding onto him, no matter what he had done.
But he knew he couldn’t let her do that. It’d only hurt her more, and he needed to just cut her free from his awfulness while he still could. It’s the very least he could do, anyway.
He stands straighter looking her directly in her eyes as he speaks, knowing he’s about to crush the very last bit of hope she has left in her. “Don’t,” he mutters.
“Don’t what?” Her voice comes out sweet and pitiful. And for the final time, Alec truly admires it as is. How it sounds when she’s directly speaking to him, and how loving it sounds.
He releases her hand from his own before she can do it herself, just to save himself some pain. “Don’t wait for me.” He’s choking up now, not caring if any tears fall. He should’ve been the one crying from the start—not Funneh.
Alec doesn’t give her time to interfere with her own words. They’re spilling out now, messy and not at all what he wishes he was saying— “Because… because it’s not going to happen.”
Her mouth falls open slightly. Her gaze moves downward as she takes a step back from him. He keeps telling himself that he deserves it, despite how much it hurts.
“It’s not going to happen…” she echoes, sparing a glance at him for confirmation. When he avoids her gaze, she tilts her chin up and folds her arms across her chest protectively. That’s when it occurs to Alec that there’s a wall between them now that had never been there before. “Wow.” She states blankly, voice devoid of all emotion.
An excuse rests at the tip of Alec’s tongue, but he bites it back. She shouldn’t have to deal with his half-assed excuses.
She looks at him, trying to decipher any hint of his true intentions from his face. But Alec had always been good at hiding his feelings, especially when it came to her.
“Well, then consider me surprised,” Funneh says, voice eerily neutral. “You’re aware I’m in love with you, right?”
Alec suddenly feels like the wind had been knocked out from under him. He can’t display a poker face at that sort of information. Because love, despite how often he used it in relation to her name, was not something he expected to hear from her in reference to him. It wasn’t something he should be allowed to know about.
Funneh practically laughs at his expression. She keeps her arms folded across her chest as she begins pacing in front of him, head down like she’s deep in thought. “Because, y’know, I thought that was obvious. And, I guess, pardon me for assuming you felt similarly. But can you really blame me?”
Her words come out as more of a rant than before. She’s speaking with fury now, not bothering to pause between her sentences. “I mean, because if you haven’t felt that sort of way about me this entire time, then why did you take me on multiple dates? Why did you kiss me when you didn’t even need to? Why—“ she gestures between the two of them, “—are we here together? Why did you bother asking me to prom by using the same theme as the first date we ever went on? Can you at least answer me that, Alec? Because, God, it really doesn’t make any sense to me.”
They lock eyes again as she takes a deep breath. Her cheeks are flushed and her waterline is filled with tears that are threatening to spill over. There were a million things he could say to her; He took her on dates because he liked spending time with her, even if it was just doing the most mundane thing together. He kissed her because he enjoyed being close to her and feeling her lips against his. He took her to the dance with him because he’d always wanted to, at least since junior year started. And he did all this because he loved her.
That was his actual answer—The words she’d never get to hear for herself, at least not from him.
So he musters up the only words he could really bring himself to say the entire night; The ones he knows mean very little to her, and will probably be the last things he ever gets to say to her. Because there was no way she’d ever forgive him for this night.
“I’m sorry. For everything.”
It feels like all the air in the hall had been sucked out. Funneh takes one long look at Alec, lip quivering as he enforces the invisible wall between them. When he doesn’t say anything else, Funneh sighs and drops her arms to her sides. Giving him one last glance, she turns on her heel and walks back through the doors of the prom without another word.
He stays there, leaning against the wall for what feels like forever. Eventually, though, he forces himself off it and begins walking out of the hall. He doesn’t bother going back into the dance; he already knows there would either be Kyran or Gold waiting for him inside so they could say a handful of choice words to him.
He also really didn’t want to see Yumi again on the off chance she was still in there.
So Alec goes home. His mom is asleep on the couch with his baby sibling’s crib stationed a few feet away. Aly’s tucked away in her room, chatting so loudly on her phone that he can hear it through the walls. She must’ve not heard him come home, because she doesn’t come out to bombard him with questions. Thank God.
He lays in bed, staring at the ceiling for the rest of the night. His phone screen lights up every so often, but he doesn’t make an effort to grab it and look at who’s messaging him. He simply lays there until his body forces him to sleep.
-
In the last few weeks, he doesn’t see much of Funneh. It helps that he actively avoids her usual spots in the school. Even on the last day, he manages to dodge Funneh, Gold, and Kyran. Despite this, at every corner, he was terrified he was going to come face to face with any one of them.
Over the summer, he doesn’t hear from any of them. No texts, no calls—nothing. Which, of course, is what he deserves. But it doesn’t stop him from wondering what they’re all up to. Weeks ago they all made plans to have an incredibly epic junior year summer—plans which he knew for a fact had been canceled following recent events. So, what were they up to without him?
Most likely they were happier. That sort of delusion gave Alec a bit of peace as the days passed.
The first day of school came, and Alec was just beginning to accept his newfound loneliness. He was making his way through the halls—just trying to figure out the quickest exits in each alcove—when he heard something familiar. Something that, despite his attempts to repress it, made him feel warm inside.
Annoyed at himself, he peered behind a wall to look for the source of the voice. His eyes scanned the busy halls, holding in a breath as he did so.
And then he saw her.
She looked the same, though her hair was shorter and maybe a few shades darker. Her sparkle was noticeably back as she threw back her head in laughter—in that voice that he loved so much. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, gesturing to Gold and Kyran about something in her backpack. It was Funneh, clear as day and alive and healthy. Just like he always hoped for her. Only, he wasn’t by her side to share her laughter.
Alec couldn’t watch anymore. He moved away, pulling his hood deeper over his head with each step. He missed them. He missed her. And there was nothing he could do about it.
As he walked away from the one person he wanted so desperately to be able to openly love, a familiar song played in his head. A depressing one from months ago that serenaded hundreds of teenagers under a particularly bright starry night…
‘I'll follow you down
'Til the sound of my voice will haunt you.
You'll never get away from the sound
Of the woman that loves you’