Chapter Text
San’s stubby and usually rough fingers thread through Yunho’s hair so softly, and so delicately that Yunho is having trouble believing it’s actually San he’s laying against.
The firm chest that his cheek rests against, however, confirms that it is — in fact — San spread out underneath him.
‘’How long?’’
Neatly chipped fingernails lightly scrape against his scalp, and San’s voice sounds so warm and so soothing when it rumbles through his chest that Yunho’s certain he’d be able to fall asleep within seconds like this.
He can’t, though.
‘’A few weeks,’’ Warm fingertips trail up and down the arm Yunho has slung over San’s torso as he attempts to speak, ‘’But I think it’s been longer than that.’’
His body won’t let him sleep, even though his eyelids feel so heavy that he barely can keep them open and the warmth radiating off San when he pulls Yunho closer to him only makes them feel even heavier.
His mind screams at him to fall asleep, but he can’t — no matter how comforting San’s fingertips feel ghosting over his bare arm and it doesn’t matter how it’s the first time Yunho feels truly comfortable in weeks — he still can’t sleep.
His body refuses to.
A low hum in acknowledgment leaves San’s throat before his fingers lightly ghost over Yunho’s forehead to brush away the strands of hair. ‘’You just didn’t know until he kissed you?’’
Yunho just nods his head against his friend’s chest in response.
He doesn’t trust himself enough to give him an actual verbal response.
And he’s so glad that San can’t see his face from where he’s lying, because he’s already cried so much that he thinks San might tell him off if he was to see the new set of tears brimming behind his eyelids.
The burning sensation almost makes Yunho annoyed with himself, and he almost wants to tell himself off for almost crying again.
San must’ve felt the way Yunho tried to gulp and swallow the lump forming in his throat, because suddenly the hand that had just been trailing up and down Yunho’s arm is softly grabbing onto the back of his head and pulling him into the crook of San’s neck.
‘’Don’t hold it back, Yunho,’’ San hushes when Yunho’s nose brushes against his neck, ‘’It’s okay.’’
The faint woody scent that lingers on San’s skin feels like home in a sense, Yunho thinks when he shakily inhales through his nose. He can’t remember a time when San smelt like anything other than that one woody, cedar perfume — he always has, ever since Yunho first met him.
And it’s comforting, for so many reasons, Yunho thinks. It’s comforting because it’s a scent he associates with the dimples that show every time San smiles and because it’s a scent that only his friend carries.
Because it’s a scent that reminds him of what things felt like when they were still normal.
And when the first tear drops onto Yunho’s cheek, he doesn’t bother trying to wipe it away.
Neither does San when it drips onto his skin, and the fact that San allows Yunho to cry into his neck only causes yet another tear to run down his cheek.
Yunho’s certain he can feel San’s lips lightly press against the top of his head. He doesn’t mind it.
‘’It’s okay, you’re okay.’’
Yunho is far from okay, though.
And telling San about how he’s nowhere near being okay was never something he planned on doing — although he kind of should’ve seen it coming, looking back at the events of the previous night.
San was already sitting on the edge of the bed by the time his eyes fluttered open, and even though Yunho barely could make out his friend's features through his blurry vision, the way San’s thumb was gently stroking his cheek told him enough.
Gently, as to say I’m here.
As to say tell me what’s on your mind.
‘’Is it Mingi?’’
Yunho’s throat was already sore and dry from the previous night, and the sob that ripped through him the second San asked him only made his already existing pain even worse.
He had been awake for no more than a few seconds, yet the concern and understanding lingering behind San’s furrowed brows made him completely crumble — accompanied by the mention of Mingi.
So he did. Pulled against San’s warm chest, he sobbed into the fabric of his shirt and allowed for himself to crumble and confide in his friend.
He told him about the confusion and burden he had been carrying around for weeks with no one to tell, the burden that had caused him to lose many nights of sleep and the burden that ultimately caused the downfall of his and Mingi’s friendship.
Between broken sobs, he told San about how Mingi had kissed him and how right it had felt, and how Mingi had completely shattered any hope of him feeling the same way when he had claimed it was a mistake — he told San about how disgusting he felt, how confused he is and how much he loves Mingi.
He loves Mingi. Words that barely make it past his lips, words that rip through his chest and tear his heart apart — words he says out loud for San to hear.
He loves Mingi.
So, so much — He loves Mingi so much, so much that he no longer wants to love Mingi.
I know, San had said. I’ve known for a while.
And Yunho only cried ever harder.
Because of course San knew Yunho loved Mingi — and looking back, Yunho supposes he, himself, should’ve known, too.
He should’ve known the first time Mingi told him some boy had kissed him back in their junior year of high school, at some party Mingi didn’t even want to go to, one that Yunho had to drag him to — because if Yunho was going to be there, Mingi also had to be there.
He should’ve known when the boy from their English class had spent the whole night by Mingi’s side before they eventually disappeared together — and while Yunho hadn’t cared at the moment, because he was just happy to see Mingi socializing with someone who wasn’t Yunho himself — he definitely cared when Mingi called him the following morning and told him they kissed.
Yunho hadn’t managed to speak for a couple of seconds afterward.
His chest had ached in a way it had not once ached before, and while Yunho had just brushed it off as jealousy of Mingi getting to experience his first kiss before him, Yunho knows better now.
He was jealous, but not because Mingi got to have his first kiss about two months before Yunho did.
No, he was jealous because Mingi had kissed someone, and that someone wasn’t Yunho.
And Yunho supposes he should’ve known back then, that the feelings he harbored for his best friends were beyond platonic, but he didn’t.
And if Mingi never had kissed him that night, Yunho probably never would’ve realized, he thinks.
A part of him wishes he never would’ve realized, either.
That way Mingi still would’ve been his best friend, and every time Yunho’s chest slightly aches whenever he sees Mingi’s fingers intertwine with Hongjoong’s smaller ones — Yunho would still be brushing it off as longing for something similar.
But Yunho can no longer say that Mingi is his best friend, and he now knows that the ache and longing he feels every time Mingi’s fingers intertwine with Hongjoong’s isn’t because he wants the same thing that they share.
It’s because he loves Mingi.
And there’s nothing more Yunho wants than to be the one that Mingi’s slender fingers intertwine with, because he’s in love with Mingi.
He’s in love with Mingi and he’s been in love with Mingi for years, while Mingi is in love with someone else.
Mingi has never been in love with Yunho, and the realization hurts just as much as the realization that Yunho is actually in love with Mingi did.
Yunho has been in love with Mingi for years, and Mingi has never been in love with Yunho.
A bittersweet ending, Yunho thinks.
A bittersweet ending to Yunho’s one-sided love, and a bittersweet ending to the friendship he knows Mingi treasures more than anything — the friendship that Yunho, too, used to treasure more than anything.
And it’s bittersweet because Yunho got to experience loving someone like Song Mingi, even though he never quite knew it — he still loved him.
He still loves him.
Therefore it’s bittersweet, because Yunho will never get to love Mingi the way he wishes, the way he needs, and Mingi will lose his best friend because of it.
Yunho can’t be Mingi’s best friend, just like Mingi can’t be Yunho’s.
Because he’s in love with Mingi.
Song Mingi, Yunho’s dearest friend who sometimes laughs a little too loudly or not at all, Song Mingi who stuttered the first time he spoke to Yunho — Song Mingi, who Jeong Yunho is in love with.
Song Mingi who is the reason behind the warm tears that drop onto San’s soft skin, Song Mingi who is the cause of San’s hushed whispers and gentle touches.
And Yunho isn’t sure how much time has passed once there are no more tears left to coat San’s warm skin, nor is he sure how much time has passed when San’s hushed whispers turn into silence.
A silence Yunho breaks by allowing a shaky exhale to slip past his lips when he eventually moves away from San’s chest and flops down next to him instead.
‘’San,’’ It’s barely a whisper, the way his friend’s name leaves his lips, ‘’I think I’m dying.’’
The way the confession leaves his lips.
And when San lightly chuckles beside him, Yunho feels grateful — because he doesn’t think he can survive another moment of pity.
‘’Yunho,’’ San turns to his side, and Yunho watches as strands of bleached hair fall onto his forehead. Blonde really suits him, Yunho thinks, even though Wooyoung did a shit job at bleaching it.
Perhaps it’s just a distraction. How blonde suits San perfectly, a distraction that allows Yunho to think about anything other than how it feels like he’s dying, at least for just a moment.
‘’You’re not dying,’’
But I am, Yunho almost says.
I am dying.
San shuffles around in the sheets before his hand eventually reaches towards Yunho, and the same stubby, gentle fingers that had been threading through his hair moments ago brush against his forehead.
‘’If you were dying, you would’ve already been dead by now.’’
And Yunho thinks he might be.
Perhaps Yunho isn’t dying, because he already died the moment he sat foot inside Mingi’s dark apartment that night four weeks ago.
Sounds plausible, at least to Yunho, who is now convinced he might’ve already died and therefore — he’s not dying.
Death by loving Song Mingi.
What a beautiful way to go out, Yunho thinks.
‘’You’re just in love, not dying.’’
Is there a difference?, Yunho wants to ask.
When asked, Yunho says he’s never been in love.
It had been a warm summer, the summer following Yunho’s seventeenth birthday. And while Yunho had begged and pleaded with his mother to let him stay home and not attend the summer camp he had spent the last five summers at — Yunho still found himself struggling to fall asleep in the bunk bed that his limbs had grown too tall to fit three weeks later.
It’s not like Yunho didn’t necessarily want to be there.
No, Yunho had always enjoyed the three weeks he spent at the summer camp about two hours away from home every summer.
It was nice, getting away from the city for a while and spending time with friends he only got to meet during those three weeks — especially when the older boys managed to sneak some of their parent's overly expensive liquor that had been left to decorate the top shelf in their living room, the liquor no one would notice if it went missing, with them.
Yunho did enjoy summer camp, and that summer was no different.
Except for the fact that it was, because Mingi wasn’t there.
And Yunho begged and pleaded with his mother to let him stay home, claiming that it didn’t matter if it was the last year he was allowed before he got too old — because Mingi wasn’t going to be there.
Yunho had cried himself to sleep the first night of camp that summer, with the lingering buzz of stolen liquor and adorned in Mingi’s hoodie in an attempt to fight off the chilly July midnight air.
Because Mingi wasn’t there.
If Yunho tries hard enough, he can still remember the laugh of the slightly younger boy from that summer.
And Yunho still isn’t sure just how he found himself in the woods with the same boy a week into summer camp, nor is he sure how their lingering gazes somehow turned into hands brushing against one another to Yunho receiving his first ever blow job while leaning against one of the many tall spruces.
What Yunho does remember, however, is how the slightly younger boy had pulled him aside the day before camp ended and told him he’d like to see him again.
That he really liked Yunho.
That he’d love to see Yunho again, outside of summer camp — where they didn’t have to sneak away and make out against the back of Yunho’s cabin after everyone else had gone to sleep.
And a few days later, when Yunho found himself sprinting out of the backseat of his father’s car and engulfing Mingi in a hug so suffocating that they almost fell over and collided with the concrete ground, Yunho felt so relieved to be away from the spruces he had received his first blowjob by.
And when Mingi loudly squealed into his ear, Yunho almost started crying again.
Yunho never told Mingi about the boy he had met that summer, nor did he tell his best friend about how he finally lost his blowjob virginity and not about how he had met someone who liked him and wanted to see him again.
Because Yunho was in love with Mingi.
Yunho was in love with Mingi, and his stomach had churned when the boy had looked at him with such hopeful eyes — hopeful that Yunho, too, felt the spark he had felt.
And perhaps Yunho would’ve felt the same spark the slightly younger boy felt, if things were different.
There is no nice way to go about declining an offer like that, refusing someone’s love — and just like Yunho knows that now, Yunho back then knew, too.
The tears that brimmed behind the boy’s eyes and how his hopeful eyes turned into ones of disappointment still causes an ache to spread across Yunho’s chest whenever he thinks about it.
An ache of feeling sorry, sorry for turning someone’s love down.
I’m sorry, maybe if things were different we could’ve tried to work it out but..
If things had been different, perhaps Yunho would’ve fallen in love with the boy from his last summer camp.
He didn’t.
Because he was already in love with someone else.
Therefore, Yunho lies whenever anyone asks him if he’s ever been in love and he tells them no, that he hasn’t been in love before — because he has.
Yunho fell in love for the first time at fifteen years old, and Song Mingi walked into the classroom.
And while he might’ve not known it then, he does know it now — and he now also knows that there is no difference.
Dying and being in love, there is no difference.
It feels just about the same, Yunho concludes.
‘’Does he know?’’
A snort threatens to rip through Yunho’s chest when the question trails off San’s lips, the same stubby fingers gently brushing away pieces of hair from his forehead.
The snort dies in his throat, and gets replaced by the all too familiar lump instead.
Of course Mingi doesn’t know I’m in love with him.
It’s funny that San would even bother to ask when the answer is obvious, it’s ironic and Yunho almost does laugh out loud — until it’s not.
Until it’s no longer funny, and Yunho realizes Mingi doesn’t know.
Mingi doesn’t know Yunho is in love with him and has been for longer than both of them can fathom, and Mingi never will know either.
‘’No,’’ Yunho doesn’t mean for the words to come out so sharply, ‘’He doesn’t. Or, I don’t think he does.’’
San hums, and the hum sounds so warm and comforting that Yunho wishes to go back to crying into the crook of his neck. ‘’Will you tell him?’’
Yunho lightly nibbles on his bottom lip as the question slips past his friend's lips, both because he’s not certain how to tell San that he has no plans on telling Mingi he’s in love with him and because he’s trying so hard to bite back the new set of tears burning behind his eyelids.
Mainly the latter, though.
‘’No,’’ He all but whispers in response, ‘’He has Hongjoong. It wouldn’t be fair.’’
Which is true, Yunho doesn’t lie when he tells San he won’t tell Mingi about his feelings because he already has someone else.
He just chooses to leave the selfish part out.
The part where Yunho refuses to tell Mingi about the feelings he carries out of fear of losing him, out of fear of losing his best friend of years — out of fear of losing everything.
Losing Mingi, losing their friendship, losing himself.
He’s already lost all of those things, though.
But it’s always easier pretending rather than admiting to something, after all. It’s always been easier that way for Yunho, it was when he decided to major in business and not something he’s truly passionate about, just like it is now — now that he’s on the verge of losing everything he has ever known.
San hums once more beside him, ‘’And you think this is fair?’’
Yunho slightly frowns. ‘’What is?’’
‘’This,’’ San repeats as he brings his hand up to softly swipe the pad of his thumb across Yunho’s tearstained cheek, ‘’You, having to feel like this.’’
Somewhere, deep inside, Yunho likes to think that yeah, maybe it is fair.
Maybe it is fair that Yunho is feeling like this, maybe it is fair that Yunho finds himself crying in the arms of his friend with a heart so heavy that it feels like it’s about to crumble — because he can’t bring himself to blame anyone else.
There is no one else to blame.
It’s Yunho, Yunho is the only one to blame — because he is the one who is in love with someone he shouldn’t be in love with. Someone he can’t be in love with.
Attempting to shrug his shoulders, Yunho avoids looking at San by letting his gaze land on the wall right behind his friend instead.
‘’I don’t know,’’ He breathes, and even though he tells San he doesn’t know if it’s fair that he has to feel this way, the tear that drops down the side of his face for the pillow to absorb tells San the real answer.
That it’s not fair.
It’s nowhere near fair, and Yunho knows it isn’t.
San doesn’t bother wiping away the tear that leaves the corner of Yunho’s eye. It’s no use. He knows there will be more. ‘’Well,’’ San offers after a moment of silence, ‘’I do know, and it’s not fair at all, Yunho.’’
I know, Yunho thinks, something he can’t bring himself to admit out loud. I know it’s not fair.
When his bottom lip starts to quiver again and his vision once more turns blurry, Yunho doesn’t even bother fighting back the tears that spill past his lower lashline and drop onto his cheeks, nor does he fight back the choked sob that forces its way out of his throat.
It’s so fucking unfair, he wishes to say when San hushes him and wraps his arms back around his figure, it’s not fair in the slightest, he almost screams when San once more allows for his tears to coat his neck.
It’s not fair that he’s sobbing into the crook of San’s neck, it’s not fair that he’s in love with Mingi, it’s not fair that Mingi is in love with someone else — it’s not fair that Yunho doesn’t know how to be selfish.
‘’I’m scared,’’ Yunho confesses against San’s warm and now tear-soaked skin. ‘’I’m so scared,’’
He doesn’t even care if San can’t understand him and his muffled confession. ‘’I can’t tell him, San, I can’t,’’
San doesn’t say anything.
And it’s not until Yunho feels himself almost falling asleep both several moments and several choked sobs later that he hears San speak up beside him.
With one hand gently stroking his back, San quietly whispers into the silence that has engulfed his bedroom. ‘’It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.’’
Yunho falls asleep before he has the chance to tell his friend that he knows.
He knows it’s okay to be selfish. He just doesn’t know how to be.
✧
Yunho finds himself wondering if the clock hanging off the wall in his kitchen has always been this loud.
It probably has, and he probably should’ve checked just how loud the ticking would be before he bought it — he didn’t, though.
Because it’s never been a problem, really. The loud ticking is something Yunho has not once paid any attention to nor noticed, something he now, for the first time since he moved in, is.
Now that his apartment is so eerily quiet, he does notice that the clock does, in fact, tick a little too loudly — the sound echoing through his small apartment and ultimately reaching Yunho — who finds himself seated on his couch.
Where he’s been seated for the past few days.
And he could turn the TV on, and let some movie mindlessly play in the background just to block out the ticking coming from the kitchen. He doesn’t.
He doesn’t want to.
Nor does he wish for the ticking to stop.
It’s kind of nice, having something act as a reminder that time is in fact still passing and that the world hasn’t ended just yet, Yunho thinks when he blinks to get rid of the stinging in his eyes, a result of him staring at nothing for a little too long.
It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
Yunho doesn’t bother reaching for his phone when the screen lights up beside him, nor does he bother to turn it back off. He doesn’t wish to know who it is trying to reach him.
He knows it might be San, telling him that he’s more than welcome to stay over at his place for another night if he wants to — an offer Yunho had already received about ten times when he started getting ready to leave. He doesn’t want to stay at San’s house, though.
All he wants is to be alone.
He needs to be alone, and even though it’s selfish — he knows it’s selfish to let San’s messages go unanswered and leave him to worry — but that’s exactly what Yunho needs to be.
He needs to be selfish.
It’s hard, and it’s borderline impossible — it’s something Yunho, in the loneliness of his own apartment, has realized is needed — no matter how hard it is.
Therefore, he doesn’t bother checking just who it is trying to reach him — because he has already sent the text message about an hour prior, and he doesn’t need to see the reply that may come.
YUNHO:
i’ll be home all day
An invitation Yunho only musters up the courage to send after calling San more times than he can count, an invitation he doesn’t dare send until he’s certain there are no more tears to offer and after San has comforted him through every single sob that thas ripped through his chest.
An invitation Yunho knows he’ll understand, an invitation without actually asking him to come over — an invitation he doesn’t need a response to. The soft knocking on his door is enough of a response.
It’s okay to be selfish sometimes, Yunho reminds himself when he makes his way towards his front door.
It’s okay, San had told him. Yunho forces himself to believe it when he unlocks the front door.
‘’Hi,’’ Is all he manages to get out when the front door creaks open and his eyes land on the person standing on the other side of the door.
It’s all he can say. A small, quiet ‘hi’ is all he can say once he realizes just who it is knocking on his door — and even though he’s the one who invited him over — he can’t help but feel surprised that he actually did show up.
Yunho isn’t so sure he would have if the roles had been reversed.
Mingi just looks at him from the other side of the door, and the slight furrow of his brows doesn’t go unnoticed by Yunho when his eyes land on his face. He’s worried, Yunho realizes. He supposes he understands why, after all.
He just wishes he wasn’t.
‘’Can,’’ Mingi begins, his voice low when he speaks, ‘’Can I come in?’’
Yunho just stares at him.
No, he wishes to say. No, you can’t come in.
‘’Yeah,’’ Yunho breathes, ‘’I just,’’
He trails off before he has the chance to continue his sentence — before he has the chance to tell the man standing in front of him some far-from-believable lie about why he can’t come in.
There is no excuse. He’s the one who has invited Mingi over.
‘’Can I?’’ Mingi asks, and Yunho desperately nibbles on the inside of his cheek.
it’s okay to be selfish sometimes.
‘’Yeah, I’m just,’’ Yunho feels so fucking stupid when he realizes that he truly has no valid reason to tell Mingi no, to tell him that he can’t come in. ‘’Yeah, I mean, sure, come in,’’
And when Mingi just nods his head in response before stepping inside, Yunho feels all the more stupid.
Stupid because he’s the one who has invited Mingi over, and now that Mingi is here — he’s back to trying to run away.
And then he feels scared.
Scared, because suddenly, he realizes this is it.
This is why Yunho has invited Mingi over in the first place. To tell him. To be selfish.
‘’Do you,’’ Yunho tries his hardest to control the quiver of his voice as he watches Mingi kick off his shoes, ‘’Do you want something to drink?’’
Mingi doesn’t look up at him when he shakes his head, eyes focused on his shoes as he kicks them closer to the door. ‘’No, I’m okay.’’
Mingi sounds almost stern when he speaks, and Yunho realizes that this is truly it.
That today is the day he’ll face what he’s been refusing to face for weeks.
‘’Let’s talk in the living room?’’ And only then does Mingi look up at him, when he asks to speak to him in the living room — and the look on his face tells Yunho that he won’t be getting away this time.
That today, he will tell Mingi.
And with one deep inhale, one to try to tame the stinging in his eyes and one he tries his hardest to make discreet, Yunho nods his head and Mingi is quick to walk into the living room.
Silence.
Silence is all that follows when Yunho leans against the side of his couch, and when the silence suddenly feels so suffocating, Yunho realizes he can no longer keep doing this.
‘’Yunho,’’ Mingi all but breathes, and Yunho is already biting back the tears brimming in his eyes. ‘’You need to tell me what the fuck is going on, I can’t let you do this anymore,’’
Easy for you to say, Yunho wishes he could say.
He truly wishes he could say just that, how easy it is for Mingi to just show up and ask Yunho to tell him what’s going on — how easy it is for Mingi to assume it’s easy for Yunho to tell him.
It’s not.
It’s not easy, not in the slightest — and Yunho almost asks Mingi to leave.
‘’I know,’’ He doesn’t.
He doesn’t ask Mingi to leave, because no matter how easy Mingi thinks it might be and how hard it is for Yunho to actually tell him, he has to tell him.
Mingi can’t let Yunho do this anymore, and neither can Yunho.
‘’I know,’’ Yunho repeats himself, this time a lot clearer and not as mumbled, ‘’I will, I will tell you, I promise,’’
Mingi just stares at him, and Yunho can’t read the expression that paints his friend’s features.
I will tell you. Yunho will tell him, even if he can’t understand the expression painted on Mingi’s face.
He has to tell him.
‘’I’m worried about you,’’ Mingi suddenly breathes, and Yunho isn’t sure if it’s anger or sorrow building up inside of him. ‘’Yunho, I’m, I’m so fucking worried about you, and it’s so fucking scary seeing you like this,’’
Sorrow, because Yunho can tell. Yunho can tell that Mingi is worried about him, something the slight furrow of his eyebrows and the way Mingi’s gaze refuses to leave him tells him.
Anger, because Mingi can’t be worried.
You have no right to be worried, Yunho almost says, because you’re the cause behind all of this.
Yunho still doesn’t say it.
The words die before they even have the chance to properly form, because Yunho has to tell him — the pain, the anger, the truth.
Yunho has to tell him the truth.
”I,” Yunho’s voice breaks when he tries to speak, but he doesn’t care.
He needs to get it out before the burden of carrying it around eats him alive, and he’s not allowing his voice to fail him now, even if it desperately tries. Not now, when he finally has the courage to be selfish for once.
“I love you,”
The words tear themselves through Yunho’s chest, ripping through it and leaves a bitter taste behind when they slip past his lips.
It’s broken and Yunho desperately wishes he could’ve told Mingi in a different way.
A way that felt more honest and not forced, because while it most definitely is honest — it’s forced. Yunho has to force the words to leave his chest and out his mouth, and even then he can't find it within himself to be completely honest.
Mingi just looks at him, his eyebrows now softly furrowed together as Yunho tells him he loves him.
Yunho has to be honest. He knows he has to be honest, no matter how much he wishes to run away and let the part of him telling him not to be honest win — he can’t.
And it’s not until he sees Mingi part his lips, perhaps to speak — only then does Yunho allow for the truth to come out.
The truth, as ugly as it might be.
“No, I think,” The truth, no matter how painful it is. “I think I’m in love with you, Mingi, I think, I don’t just love you,”
Yunho doesn’t allow Mingi to speak. He has to get it out. “I’m in love with you and it’s, it’s scary, Mingi, it’s so fucking scary, and,”
He doesn’t try to force back the sob that rips through his chest, one he didn’t even know was coming.
“I hate you,” Had Mingi looked at him with pity, perhaps he wouldn’t have started crying. But Mingi doesn’t, he just stares at him.
Empty, and the pity Yunho desperately searches for doesn’t exist.
“Why did you have to make things so complicated? Why, it’s not fair Mingi, I don’t,”
Mingi just stands there, watching, as Yunho breaks down — and Yunho hates Mingi even more for it.
“I don’t want to feel this way, it’s so fucking scary and it’s so, it hurts, Mingi,”
Quiet. Mingi remains quiet as Yunho wails, and the fact that Yunho still can’t figure out the expression on Mingi’s face makes his chest hurt even more.
“You, you made me so confused, and you made me feel so used, why? It’s not fair Mingi,”
Yunho goes to push Mingi away, but Mingi barely budges as the palm of his hand comes up to collide with Mingi’s chest. Yunho only cries harder when Mingi doesn’t budge, his hands coming up to collide with his chest once more.
“I hate you,” Yunho cries, his voice breaking as the words leave his lips and his hands push against Mingi’s chest once more.
Mingi still doesn’t budge.
“I hate you so fucking much, why would you ever kiss me? I don’t want to be in love with you,”
Mingi doesn’t budge as the man pushes and hits his chest. He just stands there.
He just stands there, not daring to allow as much as a whine to spill past his lips as Yunho’s weak fists collide with his chest.
And Yunho only hates him even more for not putting up a fight.
“Why won’t you do anything?” It’s almost a scream, “Why won’t you fight back? Why won’t you fucking say something,”
Something. Anything. Yell at me, hit me, kiss me.
Mingi still doesn’t say anything, despite Yunho begging him.
And the quietness coming from his best friend causes Yunho to fall onto his knees, his shaky legs refusing to support him any longer.
It’s not until Yunho hits the floor and quietly weeps into his hands, accepting his defeat, that Mingi’s voice fills the room for the first time since Yunho first spoke.
“I’m sorry.”
The two words leave Mingi’s lips so quietly, yet so sternly that Yunho can physically feel himself crumble.
Two words Yunho knows Mingi doesn’t mean. Two words that cause Yunho to sob even harder.
“You’re not,” Yunho tries to let out, but his voice only allows for a broken whisper to come out. One that almost gets stuck in his throat, one that barely makes it past his lips.
“I’m sorry, Yunho.”
The scream that threatens to rip through Yunhos chest doesn’t make it past his lips. It dies in his chest before it even has a chance to fully form, and for a moment, Yunho thinks the whole world might’ve stopped spinning as the realization dwells upon him.
Mingi isn’t sorry for kissing him.
Mingi isn’t sorry for making Yunho feel so used, for making him doubt and suppress his own feelings.
He’s sorry for not being in love with Yunho.
And Yunho thinks he might be sick.
‘’Why,’’ Mingi’s voice buzzes through Yunho’s brain, his words getting muffled and eaten by the pain in his chest, ‘’Why wouldn’t you tell me?’’
For so many reasons, so many obvious ones, Yunho wishes to tell the man standing in front of him. He can’t, though.
‘’Leave,’’
It’s all he can think of.
It’s all he can say, it’s all he can possibly think of to solve whatever disaster is currently taking place — for Mingi to leave.
‘’No, Yunho, I’m not fucking leaving, that’s,’’ But he can’t say he’s surprised when Mingi refuses to listen to him and his broken plea.
The sudden anger, though, does take him by surprise. ‘’What the fuck, Yunho? You can’t fucking, you can’t keep doing that, asking me to leave, are you serious? You just told me you’re fucking in love with me, and now you’re asking me to leave?’’
It’s not raised, Mingi’s voice — but Yunho does notice the change of tone.
It’s no longer careful, nor is it filled with the compassion Yunho desperately searches for. It’s bitter, it’s irritated — it’s angry.
An anger Yunho does not understand, nor does he try to understand it.
‘’No, you can’t fucking do that, I deserve an explanation,’’
It is, however, an anger Yunho himself feels as soon as the words spill past Mingi’s lips.
An explanation.
An explanation as to just why Yunho is currently seated on the floor with his face buried in his hands, an explanation as to why Yunho has to force himself not to clutch his chest because he’s scared his heart has stopped beating — an explanation as to why Yunho is asking him to leave.
An explanation as to why Yunho is in love with Mingi.
‘’Where the fuck was my explanation?’’
And even if Yunho tries his hardest not to let his own anger show, it’s not enough.
It’s not enough, and perhaps it’s a lie when he claims he tries his hardest to not let his anger show, because he can’t say he honestly tries to hold himself back — he just hopes his words come out louder than Mingi’s had.
‘’Where was my fucking explanation, Mingi? All the nights I’ve done nothing but fucking cry and beg for an answer that never came because you’re fucking cruel, you don’t think I deserved an explanation then?’’
He’s not sure if the other male is just as taken aback by his sudden anger as he himself had been, he can’t tell through his teary and blurry view, even when he desperately blinks to try and clear it — but he wants him to be.
He wants Mingi to be taken aback, he wants Mingi to be surprised — he wants Mingi to hear his anger.
He doesn’t.
Mingi doesn’t hear his anger, at least not in the way Yunho wishes for him to — something he proves the second a low hiss leaves his lips.
‘’How do you expect me to give you an explanation when you never even asked me for one?’’ Mingi exclaims, and Yunho can’t bite back the dry, nowhere-amused chuckle that rips through his chest.
‘’Because what did you expect, Mingi? Truly, what the fuck did you expect? You fucking kissed me, you, you came onto me! And then you,’’ Yunho isn’t sure if his throat is actually closing up or if it’s just a sob that threatens to bubble up his throat, ‘’You act all fucking oblivious when I start avoiding you and then you torture me,’’
‘’I didn’t know, Yunho! How was I supposed to fucking know when you told me it was okay? You said everything was fucking okay!’’
Mingi’s voice is so loud when he reminds Yunho that he was the one who claimed everything was okay, and the sob that leaves Yunho’s lips is almost just as loud.
‘’You’re not stupid, Mingi,’’ Yunho’s throat feels dry and tight when the words lowly leave his lips, ‘’You knew, you fucking knew it wasn’t fucking okay,’’
Mingi goes silent, and Yunho almost wishes he would yell at him again.
‘’Don’t even try telling me you didn’t realize, I know I didn’t fucking tell you but I didn’t have to, it was so fucking obvious Mingi,’’ Yunho continues, and when silence once again engulfs the room, Yunho only feels all the more angrier.
‘’It was a mistake, Yunho,’’
And Yunho just chuckles.
Yunho just chuckles in response when Mingi tells him it was a mistake.
It’s not funny, not in the slightest, yet Yunho chuckles — because it’s the only response he can think of.
It’s not funny, just ironic. Ironic how Mingi feels the need to tell Yunho how it was a mistake, how he thinks Yunho needs to hear it — like Yunho doesn’t already know.
‘’You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I know how big of a mistake it was for you to kiss me? You don’t think I know how it didn’t mean anything to you?’’
‘’Don’t,’’ Mingi suddenly hisses, ‘’You have no idea what it meant to me, you have no right to tell me what it meant and what it didn’t mean to me,’’
‘’You’ve made it perfectly clear what it meant to you, Mingi, you just said it yourself, it was nothing but a fucking mistake on your side - ’’
‘’For fucks sake, Yunho!’’
There has only been a few times over the years that Yunho has heard Mingi raise his voice.
And not one of those few times has his raised voice been directed towards Yunho, something it now is. Something Yunho is quick to realize he hates, something the way he slightly flinches and his eyes slightly widen in shock proves.
‘’Yes,’’ Mingi spits, ‘’It was a fucking mistake, are you happy now? Is that what you wanna hear?’’ He continues, and Yunho can’t bring himself to respond as he stares up at Mingi and the way he clenches his jaw.
‘’But you still have no fucking idea what it meant to me, mistake or not, you have no fucking idea,’’
Only then does Yunho dare speak, when Mingi tells him he has no idea. ‘’Then tell me, do I have to spell it out for you? That’s all I’ve been asking for you, to fucking explain to me, tell me, anything!’’
He tries to match Mingi’s previous tone, something he can’t do, no matter how hard he tries. His voice refuses to go as high, and instead, the words comes out shakily as he begs Mingi for the one thing he has longed for ever since that night multiple weeks ago.
An answer.
An answer he starts to think he will never get when Mingi’s lips remain parted, but not a single word slips past them — before he shuts them all together.
And it’s not until another dry laugh spills past Yunho’s own lips, one in both disbelief and anger, that Mingi’s speaks up.
‘’Okay, if it’s going to be like this then leave, there’s no point in continuing this if you’re just going to b - ‘’
‘’I told Hongjoong.’’
Yunho just stares at him when Mingi suddenly speaks up.
The anger that had been lingering behind his voice is no longer there, and instead, the words slip past his lips so quietly that Yunho almost misses them. He doesn’t, though — he doesn’t miss the way Mingi tells him he’s told Hongjoong about what happened between them — and he doesn’t care.
Yunho, frankly, does not care whether or not Mingi has told Hongjoong.
‘’I don’t care.’’
‘’And he broke up with me.’’
And as soon as the next sentence slips past Mingi’s lips in the form of a quiet murmur, Yunho is quick to shake his head.
‘’Do not,’’ Yunho hisses, ‘’Don’t you fucking dare, Mingi, do not try and make me feel fucking bad for something you did, that’s all on you,’’
‘’No, I,’’ Mingi is quick to interrupt, his voice going up an octave but still far from angry, ‘’He broke up with me because I couldn’t bring myself to break up with him.”
Yunho, however, just feels himself growing more angry the more Mingi speaks.
‘’What the fuck do you expect me to say? That I’m sorry for you? Because I’m not, Mingi, I’m not fucking sorry for you and your own actio - ’’
‘’He told me he already knows I’m in love with someone else.’’
It’s funny how quickly someone’s world can completely crumble.
How a piece of information, something so small and so trivial, can be the cause behind someone’s world stop spinning and for it to feel like time has been stopped — something Yunho for the first time in his entire life is now experiencing.
Something he realizes is possible the second the words leave Mingi’s lips in a whisper so quiet that it’s almost like he wasn’t even supposed to hear it.
He told me he already knows I’m in love with someone else.
And Yunho wishes he never had heard it, because then he wouldn’t be staring at Mingi with his breath hitching in his throat — and his world would still be spinning, something it no longer is.
Because with one, quiet sentence — Mingi has proven to Yunho that it’s possible for a single sentence to be the reason behind someone’s world crumbling.
Something Yunho had been so certain had already happened, he was so certain his world had already crumbled over, and over again — something he now knows it hasn’t, because it is now — in the middle of his living room, his whole world comes crumbling down when Mingi gives him the answer he has longed after for weeks.
When Mingi tells him he is in love with him, too.
‘’No, you can’t,’’ The loud ringing in his ears make it impossible for Yunho to actually make out if the words leaves his lips or if they get stuck in his throat, ‘’Mingi, you can’t do that,’’
‘’You think it’s been any fucking easier for me, Yunho? I’ve tried so hard, to push it away,’’ Mingi speaks up, and Yunho isn’t sure if the tremble in his voice is something he is imagining or if Mingi is actually having just as much trouble speaking as he himself is.
‘’No, Mingi, don’t even,’’
‘’Kissing you was the worst fucking mistake of my life, I admit, but only because it’s the only thing I’ve yearned for ever since,’’ Mingi breathes, ‘’Don’t think for a second I don’t understand how fucking scary it’s been, Yunho, because I do,’’
How could you do this?, Yunho wants to ask. He can’t.
All that comes out when he tries to speak is a cry so broken that he’s not sure if it’s in pain or in relief, perhaps both — all he knows is that it hurts.
It hurts so, so bad.
‘’I’ve fucking cried and begged just as much as you have, Yunho,’’ And the more Mingi speaks, the more it hurts.
‘’I hate you,’’ He manages to choke out, words that get muffled and morphed together when a sob rips through his chest, ‘’I hate you so much, you’re so fucking cruel,’’
‘’I know,’’ Mingi’s voice comes out so shakily that it only hurts Yunho even more. ‘’And I love you.’’
‘’Please don’t,’’ Yunho almost begs when Mingi tells him he loves him.
It’s too much.
It’s all too much.
‘’I’m sorry,’’ Mingi lets out when Yunho shakes his head, ‘’I’m so fucking sorry, I love you, I love you so much and it’s so fucking scary but I do, I love you,’’
All Yunho can offer in response is the sobs that rip through his chest and spill past his lips, ones so broken that he can feel them claw their way out his throat and force their way out before Yunho can stop them.
I love you.
I love you so much.
Yunho can’t breathe.
‘’Leave,’’ Yunho chokes out, desperately shaking his head as he scrambles to get further away from Mingi, ‘’’You need to leave, I can’t,’’
‘’No, Yunho, we can’t,’’ Mingi speaks up. Yunho can’t see him, nor does he wish to. ‘’We can’t just ignore this, we need to talk,’’
''No,’’ Yunho is quick to let out, his voice threatening to give out halfway through as he continues to shake his head, ‘’No, yes, not now, just, I can’t,’’
‘’Hey,’’ Yunho just cries even louder when he feels Mingi step closer to him. ‘’Yunho, you, you need to breathe,’’ And the worry that lingers behind Mingi’s shaky voice only makes him cry even harder.
‘’Don’t,’’ He tries his hardest to warn Mingi as he feels him moving closer, ‘’Just, just go, call San,’’ It’s all he manages to get out before another sob rips through his chest and he scrambles to get even further away from Mingi.
He thinks he might suffocate if he stays in Mingi’s presence for another second.
Mingi falls silent, and it’s not enough. Mingi being silent isn’t enough, Yunho needs him to leave.
‘’Yunho,’’ Mingi breathes after a moment. Yunho just shakes his head in response.
‘’Call San,’’
‘’Please, Yunho,’’
''No,'' Yunho cries when Mingi’s soft voice echoes through the room. He hates it. ‘’You can’t be here, Mingi, I,’’
I hate you, he almost says. I love you so much that I hate you.
‘’I can’t, not now, we’ll talk later, just,’’ I love you so much, ‘’Please, leave, I promise, just go,’’
I love you, so please leave.
‘’Okay,’’ Mingi breathes after a moment, so softly that Yunho almost doesn’t even hear him when he agrees to Yunho’s broken pleas. ‘’Okay, I’ll leave, just,’’ And Yunho feels like he can almost breathe again once Mingi agrees to leave.
Almost, because even though he can’t see him through his blurry vision, he can still sense his presence. And it’s so suffocating, so suffocating to the point where Yunho is certain he’ll actually pass out any second.
‘’I’ll call San, just,’’ And his distressed tone only makes Yunho feel all the more suffocated.
‘’Just leave,’’ Yunho lets out in one, final quiet sob.
One, final sob that Mingi listens to — because after a moment, Yunho hears his front door faintly slam shut, and only then does he allow for another sob to rip through his chest.
Yunho doesn’t hear the final I’m sorry that spills past Mingi’s lips before he slips out the front door, nor does he hear the I love you Mingi can’t but desperately wishes to tell him.