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“Helen?” Liv nearly stumbled over her own two feet as she scrambled inside flat number 4 at 107 Baker Street. She slammed the door shut more firmly than was strictly necessary and leant against it for a moment to catch her breath. She had made a mistake. A big mistake. Well, she wasn’t sure if it was her mistake, exactly, perhaps one could charitably characterise it as a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding in which she had been slow on the uptake, and hadn’t considered all the ways her words could be interpreted. Now, however, recollection of the conversation she’d had with their friendly neighbour Tania made her wince in regret.
It had started off as a friendly chat as they had ended up bumping into each other on the stairs. Liv - upon Helen’s insistence! - had tried to be neighbourly, and stuck with the conversation past the pleasant small-talk. She had only been doing what Helen had told her to do, and it had misfired spectacularly. Well, it hadn’t yet, but it had the potential to. Where she had been trying to make nice with the neighbours, there was every chance she would now end up doing a lot more harm than good if she didn’t tread carefully.
“Helen?” The med-tech called again, squeezing her eyes shut as she pulled herself up. Feeling sorry for her mishap wouldn’t do, what was done was done, she now had to find a way of limiting the damage and hopefully, her clever friend would have some ideas. Helen really was terribly clever; and kind; and funny; not to mention very beautiful and-
Liv put the brakes on the train of thought that was gathering speed and threatened to go off track. She had to focus on how she was going to get herself out of the awkward spot she had unwittingly put herself in. In lieu of the lovely image of her linguist friend, her mind promptly returned to the moment she had realised her mistake. Conversation with Tania had been pleasant and, clearly, she was being a bit nosy, although Liv hadn’t particularly minded. Things people considered exciting gossip in this time didn’t really even register as exciting to her - such as the question about her sexuality. The med-tech had answered with idle confidence that gender was no concern for her, prompting the neighbour to push further into the relationship between her, the Doctor and Helen. Given the fact that they roomed together, Liv considered even that a fair question. It was only when she found herself stumbling on her answer regarding Helen that she considered she might be treading on thin ice. She couldn’t very well lie. She couldn’t stake a claim to her friend, as much as she might want to. They had always just been friends. And for a moment Liv had worried the tall brunette might have an interest in Helen, so she had kept her answer as vague as she could manage, but that was when she recognised the look in Tania’s eyes… The interest wasn’t in Helen, it was in her.
She’d made a run for it. Flushing bright red, she’d fumbled for an excuse and dashed up the stairs without giving the neighbour an opportunity to reply. And now, as Liv replayed the conversation in her head again and again, she couldn’t even recall her own words. She was overthinking everything. What had Tania taken from what she had said? Had she been vague enough to lead her to believe that, maybe, she was taken? Had she come across as single? Had her umming and ahhing been taken as being coy? And had her quick escape and deep blush been interpreted as something other than blind panic?
The truth was, Liv liked Tania well enough, but her romantic interest lay with one person and one person only. And that person, finally, stuck her head out of the kitchen to greet her.
“Liv? What’s wrong? You look upset…” Helen furrowed her brow with concern as she gave her a once over whilst drying off a plate. It looked as though she had been on a bit of a cleaning spree. Her hair was tied up messily out of the way, the sleeves of her blouse were turned up and she had managed to splash her front with no small amount of water - unfortunately they didn’t have an apron in their sparsely equipped flat. And despite all this, and maybe in some way because her top was clinging to her toned stomach, she managed to look utterly beautiful. For a moment, Liv forgot all about her troubles and simply longed to help her change out of her soaked shirt… “Liv?” The repetition of her name made the med-tech’s eyes snap up to Helen’s, her mind returning to the present and the terrible predicament she found herself in.
“We have a problem!” she announced without further ado and strutted down the corridor towards her.
“Do we?” The linguist’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and Liv nodded along as she pushed past her into the kitchen. She needed a cup of tea. At least that’s what Helen always advised in tough situations. She insisted that most problems looked much smaller once you had a cup of tea in your hand and now, Liv was keen to test the theory. Failing that, she would turn to alcohol. Only, they didn’t have any in the flat and that would mean venturing out again which could mean bumping into Tania again which- …tea would have to do.
“You know how you said I ought to be nicer to the neighbours?” she asked and started filling the kettle.
“Who did you piss off this time?” Helen’s response came with a heavy sigh and the med-tech whipped around.
“I didn’t piss off anyone!” she shot back, affronted, and her friend put down the clean plate and tea towel on the kitchen table.
“What did you do then?” she questioned, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
“I didn’t-” Liv started defensively, but as she considered that she didn’t have much of a defence to muster and as Helen gave her a piercing look, she folded. “Well, it wasn’t on purpose and no-one is pissed off with me… yet…”
“Yet,” the linguist stated drily and Liv groaned, annoyed, as she flicked on the kettle.
“Tania may have misunderstood something,” the med-tech opened, worrying her bottom lip nervously.
“Misunderstood what exactly?” Helen seemed more curious than anything and Liv thought it best to just come out with it, rip off the bandage so to speak.
“She was asking about my sexuality and our relationships and… I didn’t really think about what consequences it might…” She broke off for a moment, watching her friend’s puzzled expression. She almost hoped she would get there herself but she didn’t, so Liv carried on. “Anyway, I think she now thinks I might be available, and I think she’s interested in me.” She threw her hands up as if to say: ‘Make of that what you will’ but Helen simply blinked, perplexed.
“And… and are you…” she slowly responded and the med-tech couldn’t be sure what the question was in reference to. Was she interested in women? Yes, for sure. Was she single? Well, technically speaking… Was she available? No, definitely, absolutely, unequivocally not!
“I’m not interested in Tania!” Liv exclaimed, needing to get as much off her chest straight away. “I’m interested in women, sure, and it’s not like I’m… in a relationship or anything but… I’m also not… available, for that…” she tried to explain without giving too much away. It probably couldn’t hurt giving Helen confirmation of her sexuality, if she hadn’t guessed already by the way she knew she was looking at her sometimes but she’d never said anything, so… Couldn’t hurt to confirm it, just in case Helen did, eventually, find herself in a position where she was wondering about it. But she also wanted to be very clear that she was not interested in a relationship - at least not with their neighbour, as lovely as she was.
“Oh right, okay…” There was a slight flush to her friend’s cheeks and Liv found herself wondering if she had made two mistakes in one day. Helen was from 1963, perhaps the mention of same-sex relations put her in an uncomfortable position, leading to her embarrassment, but she couldn't dwell on it now.
“So you see, you said to make nice with them and now, I may have given her the wrong idea and it’s all going to backfire, she will be angry and-” The med-tech ran her hands through her hair, frustrated with herself. “I have to find a way of letting her down gently but how?”
“Well, honestly is probably the best policy, is it not?” Helen asked after brief deliberation, and Liv appreciated her calm outlook. She always marvelled at how kind and honest her friend was but she couldn’t help the feeling of guilt that settled in her gut.
“I just don’t want to hurt her feelings. She’s lovely and has helped us so much, so…” she mumbled and the linguist’s expression softened.
“That’s rather sweet of you,” she observed and the med-tech took a deep breath.
“I just don’t know how…” She gave a pitiful shrug, she was at a loss.
“I suppose the least hurtful thing would be if you were already taken?” Helen observed after short deliberation and Liv sighed.
“Yes but… we don’t know anyone here other than the neighbours, how convincing would it really be if I suddenly had a relationship when we don’t know anyone? And a long distance girlfriend when we’re stranded doesn’t really ring true either, so…” She gave another shrug. Sadly, she didn’t have any other ideas. Perhaps an open and honest conversation wasn’t so bad, she didn’t want to lead Tania on and give her the wrong idea. She was a reasonable, nice person, surely she’d understand… but how could she explain her lack of interest in her when she was perfectly lovely? She couldn’t very well tell her she was holding out hope that against all odds, her old-fashioned best friend would come around to the idea of dating her…
“I mean… if it helps you could always say you’re in a relationship with me.” Helen’s words were like a bucket of ice water thrown in Liv’s face, she nearly jumped out of her skin.
“I- what?!” Her eyes were wide with panic but her friend simply gave her a bemused smile.
“Would that be so bad? Surely, she’d believe it if she asked about that already? We live together, we’re close… it’s not too far-fetched, is it?” The linguist explained, and Liv couldn’t believe what she was hearing. If only Helen could also realise that it really wasn’t far fetched for them to strike up a relationship. They were half way there already - well, Liv was, anyway.
“You’d, uh- you’d be happy to say that and-” The med-tech found her mind going down alleyways that would land them in deep trouble. If she told Tania she was in a relationship with Helen, would she expect proof? Would she be looking out for it every time they met? And wasn’t it tempting fate just a little bit?
“Sure, of course. I wouldn’t like to see her hurt either. She will be disappointed though, surely…” the linguist pointed out and Liv nodded.
“Yes but… I’m really not… interested… in her, that is…” And while that wasn’t a nice thing to say, it was impossible to deny as she looked up to her best friend, basking in the glow of the smile that drew to her lovely lips.
“Well, when the opportunity presents itself, we’ll tell her that you’re spoken for,” she nodded. “Gently, not too directly, if possible,” she carried on upon seeing the expression of dread on the med-tech’s face.
---
It seemed Tania really was interested as the next day, her leaving her flat was timed to perfection to Liv and Helen walking down the stairs. The way the tall brunette lingered on the landing, waiting for them to reach her filled the med-tech with dread. She was clearly angling to talk to them.
“Morning!” She greeted jovially. “You’re up bright and early.”
“Morning,” Liv tried for a smile - she didn’t want things to get awkward and Helen gave back pleasantly:
“Oh, you know, the early bird and all that.”
“So where are you off to?” Tania's eyes flicked to the med-tech who felt her stomach turn. She liked the neighbour a lot and didn’t want to feel this sort of discomfort, over-thinking every word as they met. Thankfully, Helen took charge of the conversation.
“Just out to check up on the Doctor, nothing special,” she offered brightly.
“Of course. Does that require the both of you?” Tania shot a hopeful glance towards Liv.
“Well, he’s both our responsibility, isn’t he?” If the linguist noticed as much, she didn’t let on. She simply looked to her friend as well, and that was something the med-tech could work with.
“He’s like a toddler sometimes, honestly,” she stated and her friend easily picked the ball back up.
“And we are the unwilling parents,” she laughed. “He’ll be getting himself into no end of trouble. We'd better get on.” And just like that, she reached for Liv's hand, even as the med-tech was still stunned by the ease with which Helen had referred to them as parents. It wasn’t that she wanted children, particularly having no idea how Helen felt about the subject - it was the fact that it implied that they were a couple.
It made sense of course, it was what they had agreed to try and do but somehow, Liv hadn’t actually expected her to follow through. They had held hands many times, usually trying not to lose each other as they ran from danger, but this was quite different. Helen gave her hand a gentle tug, and rather than just grabbing onto her hand, she intertwined their fingers in an almost delicate manner. Despite her stunned state, Liv willed herself to start moving. She gave Tania a quick wave goodbye with her free hand, and their neighbour looked after them somewhat puzzled. Puzzled, and perhaps a little bit put out. While the med-tech couldn’t be sure, she didn’t have time to take notice, her mind was entirely occupied by the lovely feeling of Helen holding her hand as they walked out into the brisk morning air.
Liv didn’t feel the cold, not with her friend so close. She didn’t comment on the gesture either, she didn’t dare for fear of her letting go. She allowed herself this one small indulgence, brushing her thumb over the back of her hand gently as they walked down the street. Helen didn’t comment either as they walked in comfortable silence, perhaps she even forgot she was holding her hand at all, as she didn’t let go until they found the Doctor.
---
The rest of the day passed uneventfully, with no further mention made of Tania. They didn’t bump into her on their return, and there had been no more instances of hand holding either. When Liv went to bed that night, she almost believed the matter was over and done with. She clasped her hand to her chest as she looked up at the ceiling of her bedroom that night, indulging in the pleasant memory of a brief, come-to-life, daydream.
It wasn’t until the evening the next day that Liv was given more food for thought. She had been shopping with Helen as they often did. There wasn’t much to do while the TARDIS was broken so they had to fill their days somehow when the Doctor wasn’t available. Brief trips out, retrieving ingredients for the evening’s meal, had become par for the course.
Liv had stalked up ahead of Helen as her bag was rather heavy, and she was eager to put it down. She had just rounded the stairs on the landing, her friend just starting on the steps, when a door below creaked open.
“Oh, Helen, hello,” Tania greeted, sounding almost disappointed. Likely, she had expected to at least find Liv with her. The med-tech, for her part, couldn’t be quite sure of what was going on below as she pressed herself out of sight against the wall on the side of the landing. She couldn’t see down but she imagined their neighbour looking around for her. “Are you… all by yourself?”
“Yes, just popped to the shop for some last minute ingredients,” the linguist answered pleasantly, and as Liv listened to the conversation she noted the lovely quality of her friend’s voice. It was so rich, and she loved the way her well-spoken and slightly old-fashioned accent wrapped around words. Without being distracted by her pretty features, only hearing her speak, it became all the more noticeable.
“Cooking anything nice?” Tania questioned below, recovering the disappointment from her voice and dropping into pleasant small-talk.
“A bit of a surprise actually,” Helen answered, a smile stretching through her words. “Liv doesn’t cook much so… going to try and make one of her favourites.” This was news to the med-tech. She wasn’t even sure if her friend knew any of her favourite meals given the fact that she herself hadn’t quite worked out what those might be. Food on Kaldor was synthesised and while most of it tasted nice, it was all just more of the same. It was only while travelling with the Doctor that she had started experiencing different foods - though a lot of it was still owed to the TARDIS food machine. Now, however, they were making fresh meals every day. Well, Helen was anyway -Liv was no good in the kitchen herself, but since then, the med-tech felt like she was discovering a new favourite meal every day: whatever Helen chose to put in front of her on any given occasion.
“Oh that sounds nice,” Tania’s comment sounded from below, and Liv felt a twinge of guilt at her sounding rather deflated.
“You know what it’s like, domestic life… sometimes it’s nice to make an effort…” Helen carried on, and the med-tech noted the ease with which she evoked the image of a harmonious day-to-day. Not that it wasn’t! The two of them were getting on splendidly, even in the small shared space of the flat where most people would likely be starting to get on each other’s nerves but it wasn’t so. There was a nice domesticity to it all. Liv missed the travelling and she knew her best friend did too, but this wasn’t so bad. If only their little act to Tania could be more real than it was.
“Liv is lucky to have a friend like you,” their neighbour commented, mustering some confidence as if she was hoping for Helen to confirm that they were just that: friends. But the linguist, present-minded it seemed, managed to side step with ease:
“We’re lucky to have each other,” she gave back and her voice became soft. “She’s helped me so much, learning and accepting things about myself that I-” Liv felt her heart pick up speed, dwelling on the lovely notion that she wished was real. “Oh gosh, you don’t have to hear this,” Helen broke into an embarrassed chuckle below and the med-tech imagined her cheeks might flush too, in a lovely shade of pink. “Suffice to say I haven’t been happier.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Tania gave back, trying to sound up-beat but not quite managing it. “Everyone should have someone that makes them better.”
“And she does,” Helen confirmed softly as Liv struggled to discern reality from fiction. Her friend had told her that coming to travel with the Doctor and her had been liberating. That it had made her life so much better. That she had felt trapped before in a time that she didn’t belong in. Her words rang so true that the med-tech couldn’t pick apart the threads. “And I guess I’m just trying to show her that I’m grateful, making our life together as special as it can be.”
‘Our life together’. The words echoed through Liv’s mind, drowning out the conversation and it was only when she heard Helen’s footsteps drawing nearer, that her mind returned to the present. Turning onto the landing, the linguist must have noticed the stunned expression on her face as her brow drew together in a frown, as she asked:
“Is everything alright, Liv?” She questioned in a hushed whisper, just in case Tania had lingered below.
“Yeah good…” the med-tech nodded quickly, casting her eyes up the stairs to their flat. “Just curious as to what you will cook for me tonight.” She decided the best defence of her wistful expression would be deflection. It worked, too, and Helen chuckled.
“You should be so lucky,” she hummed with a wink as they walked up the stairs. “Do you think that was okay? I was trying to be clear but not rub it in her face that-” She trailed off, leaving Liv to fill in the rest which the med-tech was grateful for. She wasn’t sure she could hear her refer to them as a couple again without doing something very stupid indeed and throwing herself at her.
“No, I think that was fine, that was… nice…” Liv wouldn’t elaborate more than that for fear she might spill all the things that her words had made her feel. “That’ll likely make her tread more carefully…”
“I’m sure she’ll get the message eventually,” Helen hummed in agreement and pushed her key in the lock to flat 4. “I still intend to cook for you, mind. Just maybe not one of your favourites but one of mine,” she grinned.
“You know I’ll eat whatever you put in front of me,” the med-tech chuckled, following her inside the flat.
“So long as that is the only stereotype I have to abide by,” her friend laughed and shot her an amused glance once Liv threw the door shut behind them. “You better pull your weight, Ms Chenka,” she winked.
“I will do the dishes,” Liv offered, kicking her shoes off.
“And that is why our relationship works so well. Teamwork,” Helen winked, and marched ahead to the kitchen, leaving the stunned med-tech behind whose thoughts were racing, wondering if her friend was still play-acting or if this could be real.
---
The next time they bumped into Tania, it was on the stairs again, and Liv was beginning to sense a theme. This time, they didn’t stop to chat, they were in a hurry. The Doctor had called on them to attend to him ‘as quickly as they could’ and their neighbour didn’t try to stop them either, sensing their urgency. Helen was trying to pull her bag over her head while walking, having had second thoughts about putting a scarf on. She was trying to wrap it around her neck already as her bag got caught on something.
“Helen, hang on!” Tania called, and Liv and the linguist looked around, surprised, as they were nearly out of the door already. They watched as their neighbour bent down to pick something up. The med-tech immediately recognised the silver chain of stars that she was holding up: the necklace she had gifted her best friend many moons ago.
“Oh gosh!” Helen seemed to have realised the same thing, and her hand flew to her neck where the necklace was definitely missing. She looked utterly mortified, and Liv felt her heart sink too, dreading that the piece of jewellery was broken. It hadn’t been overly expensive, it wasn’t precious in that regard, but it bore meaning to the med-tech. She had bought it for Helen with only her in mind. Stars, to resemble their journey through the universe together. It had been shortly after Salzburg, before they had received the distress call from the Eleven. Her emotions had been red and raw through nearly losing her best friend. She had called it a gift to say thank you for putting herself through the years of loneliness for them, but in truth it was so much more than that. It came with a promise. The promise to always look after her as she couldn’t bear the thought of losing her. Even if nothing ever came of Liv’s affections for the linguist, even if such a thing as marriage remained completely unattainable, she had taken vows then. Vows to protect her, and that would be enough.
“It’s very pretty,” Tania commented, holding it to the light curiously and Liv was quick to rush over to her. “Don’t worry, still in one piece,” the tall brunette smiled kindly as she handed the necklace over to the med-tech, who made her own observations of it with relief.
“It was a gift,” Helen pointed out, noticing Tania’s curious expression.
“I found it at this exotic marketplace,” Liv supplied, present-minded enough to exchange ‘alien’ for ‘exotic’, and she cast a glance over to her best friend. “Don’t think you’ve taken it off since I gave it to you…” It was an observation that pleased her. She explained it away with the fact that Helen hadn’t brought such things as jewellery when she had come travelling with them and that limited her options - she didn’t dare hope for a deeper meaning than that. But that didn’t mean that it didn’t make her heart beat a little faster whenever she took note of it.
“I haven’t,” Helen confirmed, visibly relieved that the necklace hadn’t snapped. She was still covering her collar bone with her hand, almost as if she felt naked without the piece of jewellery there.
“That’s really sweet,” Tania commented, and sounded utterly sincere which was a great relief to Liv. Maybe their neighbour read the look in the med-tech’s eyes with which she was regarding her best friend. Filled with love and affection, and simply joy for seeing her emotional reaction to dropping the necklace.
“It is…” Helen confirmed, and Liv thought it best to interrupt the moment. They still had to find the Doctor and she feared if they stayed any longer, Tania would notice that the look in her eyes was one of desperate pining rather than contentment.
“It’s fine, nothing broken. The clasp just came loose, here let me…” the med-tech gave a twirl of her finger, indicating for Helen to turn, and her friend did without argument, giving her the opportunity to loop the necklace around her neck.
It was an indulgence, nothing more. She had got to do it before - the day she had given her the necklace - but somehow, now, having lived through so much more and particularly through the events of the past few days, it felt all the more poignant.
And there was an opportunity there too, one that was all too tempting. She would be able to explain it away too, put it down to acting the part of being with Helen. Before she could think better of it, she pressed a kiss to the back of her neck as a way of finishing off the task of doing up the necklace. The linguist tensed at the unexpected gesture but only for a moment - her shoulders relaxed and Liv did too, grateful that she didn’t seem uncomfortable about it. It didn’t last long either, it was chaste and quick and no more than a simple acknowledgement of how grateful she was to her for carrying this necklace - and with it part of her - with her.
“Off you go, you two, you were in a rush, remember?” Tania interrupted the moment, and Liv jolted back. She looked around to her, experiencing the familiar tug of guilt, but was surprised their neighbour didn’t seem particularly bothered or upset. She just shook her head, bemused, and ushered them to the door.
“Helen, I’m sorry…” the med-tech spoke as soon as they were out of earshot of Baker Street. She was beginning to regret her decision, fearing she had taken their act too far. That was all it was meant to be anyway. An act. She wasn’t meant to actually pour her heart out and her affection all over her.
“It’s fine,” Helen countered quickly, flashing her a brief but not entirely convincing smile before directing her attention front again. “It was convincing, I hope…”
“Yes…” Liv would have hoped it was convincing as it had been real. She wished she could reach for her friend’s hand again, but didn’t dare. She was playing with fire and her heart sank. Perhaps they ought to call a stop to the ruse before she got burned. But then, she recalled how wonderful it had felt to kiss her neck. Her lips tingled at the memory. And she longed to do it again. Tania had seemed almost ambivalent to the gesture, perhaps she had put the matter off and taken a hint after her conversation with Helen, which meant there was no need to carry on. Liv wasn’t about to point that out though, she couldn’t bring herself to. She couldn’t put an end to this lovely distraction, as much as she feared she ought to - for her own mental health if nothing else. The more of a taste of what being with Helen might be like she got, the more addictive it became.
There were more little moments after that: They took to holding hands as they walked down the stairs, Helen made the odd comment, even when she thought Liv wasn’t listening and while the med-tech ached for so much more than that, she took all the traces to heart, holding the moments close, fearing they would never happen again.
At night, she lay awake, allowing her mind to wander, extrapolate the day’s events and indulge her fantasies further. It was bittersweet to find herself getting some of what she had always wished for, knowing it wasn’t real… but she found herself wondering how much further they might go.
---
The answer to that question came a couple of days later. They were returning to their flat, climbing the stairs to their landing, when there was noise down below - someone coming up the stairs after them. Liv fumbled the key into the lock, eager to simply disappear into the flat if Tania was looking for them. She wasn’t in a mood for another conversation. She was still deeply in thought about a matter that had occurred at Camden Market where they had bumped into Zakia and Aisha. Helen had put her arm around her, touching the small of her back and pressing herself close to her in an all too distracting manner, only to put it off as another ruse, thinking it helpful if the other neighbours got the same impression in case they talked about them. Liv wasn’t sure she could handle any more without losing her cool so she tried for the lock, which jammed. Over the last few days, she had barely slept, starting to suffer under the constant push and pull.
The footsteps drew nearer, and Liv mumbled curses under her breath as she was interrupted. Interrupted by a pair of hands that gently, yet firmly pulled her around. And then, lips were on hers. The med-tech knocked into the wood of the door as Helen pressed herself close to her. Her hands found their way to hold her face and Liv didn’t know what to do with hers. She was utterly overwhelmed.
Helen Sinclair was kissing her.
And it was better than she could have dreamt. Once she overcame her initial shock, she kissed her back. She simply had to. If this ended up the only kiss they would ever share, she wanted to savour it, and so, she took the initiative. She grabbed her friend’s shoulders, eager to hold her close, and touched her tongue to her lips - and Helen reciprocated in kind. She brushed her hands into her hair and her tongue inside her mouth, and Liv moaned, her head spinning. For a moment, none of the circumstances mattered, the world faded into the background and shrunk to the wonderfully passionate kiss - at least until she remembered. The intrusive thoughts that none of this was real threatened to bring tears to her eyes. Helen didn’t actually desire her, regardless of how deeply she kissed her. She had half a mind to push her away and put an end to the whole thing. Her heart was aching. But Helen’s lips were so insistent and the sharp tug of her hands in her hair set her alight.
“Alright, you two love birds, it’s not far into the flat now.”
They were interrupted with bemused chuckles, but not from the person they had expected.
“Ron! Tony!” Helen whipped around, her cheeks pink and breathing quickly. “Sorry we just-” She fumbled for an excuse and Liv quickly turned around to unlock the door and give them an escape. She braced herself against the wood for a moment, trying to reign in the emotional turmoil in her mind.
“Told you they were,” she heard Ron hum, and Tony huffed.
“Yes yes, you know it all,” he sighed. “Don’t let us interrupt your fun. Have a good night.”
“Night,” Liv managed a choked response and finally managed to push the door open.
“Liv…” Helen’s voice was soft, almost regretful, once they were alone in the flat, but the med-tech didn’t stay to chat. There was too much on her mind.
“Not now Helen…” she just mumbled, and left her friend standing. She rushed to her room with frustrated tears pricking her eyes. She couldn’t carry on like this. It had to stop. But how could she tell Helen without the real reason for her discomfort becoming obvious?
---
That night, Liv lay awake again, and she was crying. She felt as though the universe was having a big old laugh at her expense, giving her a taste of how wonderful things could be with Helen, but at the same time taking her every hope that things might lead there eventually. If this couldn’t prompt Helen to consider a relationship, surely nothing ever would, and there was nothing to indicate that the thought might have crossed her mind. Unlike Liv, she didn’t seem to be struggling with the situation - she quite happily continued their playacting without comment or concern, and it was tearing Liv apart.
She shouldn’t have stormed off to her room earlier. She should have talked to Helen, and the linguist seemed to have wanted to as well, but it would only have been an apology for taking things too far and that was something the med-tech wouldn’t have been able to hear. To have her regret and apologise for the first - and likely only - kiss they’d ever share would have been the end of her. It couldn’t happen again - that Liv was clear on. She couldn’t let it. She had to guard her heart somehow.
And so, the next morning, she left the flat early. She couldn’t face her best friend or the conversation in which she put a stop to things just yet. It was better to duck out early, that way she wouldn’t see the dark circles and her puffy, red eyes from a sleepless night and many tears shed.
By the time she reached Regent’s Park, she was struck by how her life had gone off the rails in less than a week. Her friendship with Helen had been good and steady, they had fallen into a lovely rhythm of domestic life and even though she had always wished for more, it had been nice. It had been a life she could have been content with. Even if nothing ever came of it, she had Helen with her to share her life with and that could have been enough. Now, she feared she might end up ruining everything. She couldn’t imagine a conversation with her that didn’t lead to her admitting her discomfort and the real reason why they had to stop their act.
And then what? Neither of them could leave as such, not with them stranded and the TARDIS broken. They would be stuck in the small flat with the massive elephant in the room, and she couldn’t imagine things going well from there. She would have ruined the most important thing in her life and for what? To avoid one unpleasant conversation and have brief, empty fulfilment of her daydreams that would soon come crashing down around her.
Liv dropped onto a nearby bench as tears blurred her vision, burying her face in her hands, trying to regain her composure but she simply couldn’t. Her body shook with sobs as she thought of everything she was about to lose.
“Crying alone is never good,” a compassionate voice sounded and the med-tech jolted upright, staring wide eyed at the new arrival.
“Tania!” She choked out. “How did you-” The tall brunette was the last person she had expected and served as a stark reminder of the terrible mess she had created. If only she had been straight with her… “What are you doing here?”
“Heard you leave and caught a glimpse out of the window,” Tania answered, and noting the bewildered look on Liv’s face she explained further. “Not to be weird or anything, just curious who was out so early and well… you didn’t look right… So I thought I ought to check up, just in case…” She gestured to the bench, to the space next to the med-tech in a request to sit.
“It’s nothing. You shouldn’t have bothered,” Liv mumbled, dropping her eyes. She grabbed hold of the bench, picking at the worn wood.
“It’s clearly not nothing,” their neighbour responded and looked around searchingly. “Where is Helen?”
“Asleep, probably,” Liv mumbled. The linguist wasn’t a morning person. She was usually up before her which had allowed her to make her escape.
“And she didn’t notice you leaving?” Tania frowned, and sat down next to her. “Most people at least stir when their partner gets out of bed.”
“Yeah… partner… right…” The med-tech squeezed her eyes shut as desperation took hold of her. That was the final nail in the coffin. They had successfully fooled their neighbour but to what end?
“Liv… what’s going on?” The other woman prompted gently. “Have you two had a fight?”
“No…” Liv huffed in response. They had never fought, come to think of it, not really. They might have bickered, mostly for their amusement, and there had been that time when she had realised Helen had been keeping River’s identity from her, but a proper fight? No, never.
“Then what is it? There’s clearly something going on?” Tania wasn’t dissuaded. “You know it’s quite normal to have a little lover’s tiff or-”
And that was as much as Liv could bear.
“We’re not together,” she stated numbly without looking up.
“Well, Ron and Tony were rather excitedly texting me something to the contrary last night,” the brunette countered, and the med-tech shook her head.
“We’re not-”
A sob escaped her and she covered her face with her hands once more.
“Liv…” Tania placed a hand on her shoulder. “You can trust me, whatever it is. I’ll try and help and I won’t judge,” she assured her and sounded utterly sincere.
“You really are far too nice, aren’t you?” The med-tech observed with a stab of guilt. The whole thing had been utterly unkind to her.
“It’s been said,” she chuckled in response and Liv squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head to herself.
“I’m really, really sorry, really sorry-” she apologised profusely and Tania frowned.
“About what?” She asked, confused, and Liv couldn’t hold herself together any longer. She had to tell someone. She had to try and make sense of it all. Maybe, if she explained, Tania would forgive her and the burden of her guilt would lessen at least.
“I just… I thought maybe- I got the sense you might be interested in me,” the med-tech burst out but didn’t turn to assess her reaction, she simply kept talking. It would be easier to get it all out in one go and see how the chips fell. “And the fact is, you’re lovely, anyone would be lucky to have you but my heart- my heart is with Helen, always has been.” It felt good to admit that to someone. “She doesn’t know this though, we’ve never- The time has just never been right and I don’t even know if she’d date women - or date anyone! - but… that doesn’t stop me hoping.” She took a deep breath and dared to glance around, finding Tania looking back at her, but not with anger, just confusion. “So when you asked about our relationships, I couldn’t very well say we were together when… And I… I told Helen that I thought I might have given you the wrong idea and that I didn’t want to hurt your feelings by blowing you off for no other reason other than me being hopelessly hung up on someone who will never look at me like that…” Bitterness seeped into her words. “And then, she suggested we could just… pretend. For a little while. That way you wouldn’t think it’s because of you. So that’s what we did and now it’s just ripping me apart cause I know it’s not real for her but for me-” She broke off, frustrated wiping at her cheeks. It was ridiculous, she had to get herself together somehow.
There was a moment of silence as Tania digested her words and Liv awaited her judgement.
“You know you could have just said, I would have understood,” she said at last, accompanied by a sad smile.
“I am so sorry, I never meant to hurt you…” the med-tech mumbled, hanging her head, but the other woman was more encouraging in her response.
“You haven’t. It’s okay. No harm done,” she assured her, then frowned slightly again as she appraised her. “Other than the harm you have done yourself…”
“I’ve made a right mess of things,” Liv couldn’t help but agree.
“I’ll say… Why did you agree to it? Surely you must have known, given how you feel about her, it couldn’t end well?” Tania questioned far more tentatively than the med-tech thought she deserved under the circumstance.
“Yeah… it was stupid, wasn’t it? It was just when Helen suggested I… I really wanted to have a taste of what it would be like to…” she admitted ruefully.
“And why did she suggest it?” their neighbour carried on, and a small smile drew to her features once more.
“Well, I… to help get me out of…” Liv stuttered, unsure what she wanted to hear. She would happily apologise again if she wanted her to.
“But aren’t there better, more honest ways of doing that,” Tania prompted and the med-tech hung her head.
“Yeah…” She nodded but the scolding she expected didn’t come. Instead she asked:
“Do you think maybe she might have liked a taste of it too?”
“What?” Liv’s eyes shot up to her and Tania stifled laughter, despite the emotional atmosphere.
“Oh Liv, I took you for an intelligent woman. Is it not possible that she might have been indulging herself as well?”
“I-” She didn’t know how to respond to that. What was she basing that on? Sure, it had been Helen’s suggestion, but it was a perfectly innocent one at that. She had only been trying to help. But then, she had rather taken the task to heart. And there had been absolutely no reason to kiss her like that in the stairwell, not when the issue had seemed all but resolved already. Surely, it was too much to hope for?
“Liv, anyone with eyes can see that you two have a thing for each other…” Tania insisted gently. “I guess I was being fanciful by trying to muscle in, but you didn’t technically tell me not to, so there. Can’t blame a girl for trying,” she winked at her and Liv felt lighter than she had all week. The other woman wasn’t angry. She understood. And she was supportive. Someone really would be very lucky one day to call her their girlfriend.
“That’s fair enough,” she managed a small smile of her own. “Again, I’m really sorry,” she apologised sincerely.
“It’s fine,” Tania assured her. “It’s been quite amusing watching you two tiptoe around and trying to fool each other when the only people you’ve been fooling were yourselves.”
“Guess we deserve that,” Liv chuckled and took a heavy sigh. Her tears were drying at last.
“And now… how about you try a bit of honesty?” Their neighbour prompted gently. “It’s the best policy, I’m told.”
---
“Helen!” Liv barged into flat 4 at 107 Baker Street calling her friend’s name. She had reached the conclusion that she would address things head on. Tania had given her hope and she wouldn’t squander it. Regardless of whether she was right in her observations or not, the conversation was unavoidable and there was no time like the present. And even if she was wrong and Helen didn’t share her feelings, they would talk things out and find a way forward.
She found the linguist in the kitchen and she whipped around when she entered.
“Liv, I’m sorry!” She sputtered immediately at the sight of her, not allowing her even a moment to take in the fact that her friend looked exhausted with pink cheeks and puffy eyes. Had she been crying? “I made a mistake.”
“W-what do you mean?” Liv stuttered, overwhelmed. She stood stiff in the doorway while Helen held on to the kitchen table, as if it was for support.
“When I- When I kissed you,” the linguist carried on and her voice was thick with emotion. “I know there was absolutely no need for it and- It was just- Please don’t think any less of me, your friendship is the most important thing to me… I can’t lose you,” she practically pleaded and Liv’s heart softened immediately.
“You won’t. Ever. You’re my best friend…” She responded gently and took a couple of steps towards her.
And Helen seemed to take her words to heart as she nodded with a smile, even though tears were starting to fall from her bright eyes.
“I took advantage of you…” she whispered remorsefully. “I wanted to know what it feels like to kiss you. I’m sorry, it shouldn’t have happened. This whole thing, it was a bad idea, I was just… I just wanted to know how-” She broke off and Liv smiled, her heart suddenly full despite the pitiful state her best friend was in. They had both been blind. Suddenly, everything made sense. She had beaten herself up for nothing, but it seemed it would all be worth it if she was brave now.
“You wanted to know what our life together could be like if we actually admitted our feelings for each other?” She asked gently and took another step closer, hoping to bridge the gap between them with her words. She took the leap of faith that hardly seemed like a leap at all now. This had always been their foregone conclusion, and her heart started beating furiously as she awaited the response to her words.
Helen’s head snapped up in shock and Liv gave her a small, emotional smile. The expression on her friend’s face gave her the courage to carry on.
“Because I have those. Feelings. For you. And I can’t carry on this ruse much longer, it’s hurting me too much to pretend it’s not everything I could possibly want,” she stated as confidently as she could manage.
“You do?” Helen breathed in awe.
“Yes… I’ve wanted to be with you for so long, I just didn’t think you'd even entertain the thought, and I didn’t want to put our friendship at risk so it seemed easier, safer, to just carry on. But I can’t do it any longer,” she took a final step that put her in arm’s reach of her friend. “Not now that I know what it’s like to kiss you. I thought there would be no harm in it, in allowing myself this but… I was wrong. But maybe… we were both a little bit right too?” She extended her hand to her. “Where do you… where do you think we can go from here?”
And Helen took her hand with a sob of relief.
“Wherever you want,” she smiled through tears. “I would follow you anywhere.”
“Alright then,” Liv whispered, a grin spreading across her face as she knew exactly where she wanted to go first. She closed the distance between them and kissed her. And Helen kissed her back.