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It's the crisp scratchy sheets that make Eddie realize he’s not in his own bed. He feels the almost plastic stretchy cloth draped over him that doesn’t do shit. He then notices the smell of the Hibiclens soap so pungent it makes his nose drip and drop watery mucus. He just got shot, he almost died today, or was it yesterday?
He lost the calculation of the day. So, why make a fuss? It’s not like this is the first time. Eddies thoughts squirm with the million times on a call he’s mentioned his job is easier “when no one is shooting at you.”
It came out of nowhere, it wasn't his fault.
It wasn't the LAFDs.
It wasn’t Bucks.
The week previous they shared a movie night, the first one in a while, where magically their schedules aligned. Chris was at Grant's house having his own sleepover while Eddie and Buck were sharing a large pizza box and some beers that Buck picked up, crafted beers from a brewery that tasted like raspberries.
After dinner, Buck was rinsing the bottles and noticed a pamphlet on one of the people's magnets on the fridge. “He still, asking?” He plucked the pamphlet from the fridge. An identical one from the last 2 years but with newly added pictures of kids and adults with different kinds of masks from surgical masks to the most recent white ones that never fit Bucks's face.
“Yup, he’s been asking every night. Constructed full of admission totals that all start at the end of June and it’s not expensive, it’s the same as last time, but I feel a little too weird about it still.” Eddie said while coming back from throwing the trash.
“I get it. I mean who knows if these camps are actually being safe? Bet he’s just feeling trapped you know.” He lays it gently on the counter, his damp hands making the paper soggy.
“I just want him to feel normal again, at least whatever kind of normal he felt before anyway.” Eddie grabs the empty rinsed beer bottles from Buck, giving a gentle thanks as he goes out to put them in the green bin.
“Yeah, I think we’d all like to feel okay again,” Buck murmurs.
He was stuck on the concrete floor surrounded by a pool of his own blood. He tasted metal, it was interesting to be in that situation again for sure. But he didn't get much of a sense of his surroundings due to two strong arms embracing him in a damp button-up. He can’t remember the last time he has truly been carried, obviously, it's not the best time to be held but he’d take it.
He was ready to die in the 7 minutes it took to get to the hospital. Gunshots, screams, and sirens filled his ears with panic. When he heard Buck's raspy voice and heavy pants, he felt like everything was okay, if Buck was here, Eddie wouldn’t leave alone. That Christopher wouldn’t be alone. Yes, he has other people to look after him but Buck was one person who never left his mind. He would be there to bring his son safety and comfort when he himself couldn’t. He took care of Chris like he was his own. He trusts him more than anyone else.
He’d find out eventually, he thought as he watched Buck's sweat glisten in the golden light, warm hands on his chest separated by a cotton pad, he closed his eyes for a moment. He’d find out he gave him Christopher. He gave him someone to take care of if wasn’t around.
Yeah, it would be okay.
“You had a panic attack and you didn’t tell me about it, I thought you-you don’t owe me anything, I get that but, you are my family Eddie. Your not okay, so why won’t you let me help.” Buck's hands were stern this time gesturing to Eddie that was sat on one of the stools. The power was still out and it was also 2 am. One of the few still up, still trying to grasp the state of the world right now.
“You don’t deserve that baggage, Buck. I don’t panic. This was one time and look,” He hopped off his chair doing a little spin. “I am fine. Chris is already worried enough. I don’t need that from you too.”
“It’s not fair. You‘ve seen all of my worst states. I can handle it, the same way you do for me. That's what friends do.” Buck stepped up to Eddie, towering over him. “That’s what it means to be a family, there is no limit for carrying the baggage. There’s no limit for me.” It’s his fucking eyes, that dart at Eddie's. Two inches of height separating the two men. You’d think you couldn’t see much in the dark, but Eddie takes that thought and strides to the bunks.
“Just get over it, Buck.”
Shots fired.
And outside a hospital for fuck sake.
It still rings in Bucks's ears, he wonders if Eddie can still hear it. Buck watches behind the hospital wall at Eddie with the ex-wife of the guy who was one of 2 men to hold them, hostage.
Another point on the bulletin list of potential extreme circumstances to add on the Potential Firefighter situations that go beyond being a firefighter.
Potential hostage situation
Next to
Might get a ladder truck crushed your leg
And
You might get shot, twice even
To be fair Mitchell was never gonna shoot Eddie, but Buck knows that when handling a firearm to never point at anything you don’t want to kill.
He wants to hug Eddie and protect him, even if Buck kept failing to do that today more than once.
Cute kid huh?
Got that had stung. Didn’t help his dry throat or his panic relax.
It stung more than when one of the guys had a Glock swung at him at his temple.
“Buck,” Eddie's voice had brought him back.
“You're still here?” Eddie questioned which made Buck think ‘Why?’ Why did Eddie think he would already be gone when either of them could’ve gotten hurt today?
Instead, he lied at least for the first few words.
“Um, I just gave my statement to the cops, uh, wondering if you wanted a ride home, we need to go to the fire department obviously but um, I don’t really want to-um let you out of my sight right now,” Buck said a little too quickly than he would’ve liked.
He waited for Eddie to laugh or scoff because during these things Buck knows he can get like that. Instead, Eddie just got closer to Buck and curled into him, his surprisingly steady hands looping Bucks neck bringing him a little down that made Buck give a surprise snort.
“I’m really glad your safe Buck.” Eddies whispers made Buck's ears tickle a little. He smiled on Eddie's shoulders and nodded.
“Yeah me too, me too.” Obviously.
“I feel like imma stay the night though,” Eddie says, and Bucks nods. Understandable since basically, everyone else is staying to make sure that Savanna is not alone and to support her son who will need the rest of the night to be in surgery.
Buck nods, “Okay. Yeah um me too, you want anything from the lunchroom, we kinda skipped dinner.” Bucks nods to the opposite of the hospital they both know a little too well.
“Yeah, sure, our usual, just not olives.” Eddie points out to Buck, even if Buck still gonna order their usual with olives so he can steal his olives and have more than one serving.
“Always.” Bucks says sarcastically and Eddie rolls his eyes to look right back at Buck. Buck smiles and starts to leave but Eddie calls him out again.
“You wanna stay the night? Or I guess morning? I’m sure Chris wouldn’t mind. I know you're worried about him just as much as I am.” Eddie asks.
Buck’s eyebrows kiss at Eddie's concern.
“When he said his name. Mitchells partner. Read aloud my address, god you should have stayed quiet.” Eddie reminds him, carefully caressing Buck's butterfly tattoo.
Buck smirks, “You weren’t exactly quiet either rocketman. You were on speaker.” And Eddie just shakes his head, pulling away and Buck curses at himself for wanting to pull him back in.
Buck nods gleefully, “But yeah, but are you sure though, he’s just gonna wanna make pancakes for lunch,” and Eddie smiles softly.
“Yeah, I'm sure. I gotta keep an eye on you for just a little more too.” Eddie confesses and wakes over to his own inventible statement, leaving Buck to feel his cheeks warm up.
“I’m leaving the 118.” The words were simple enough, but the concept was harder to grasp onto.
Buck blinked, breath sharp.
“What do you mean your leaving ?” He says a little too harshly at the man who looks at him with those brown guilty eyes.
“Buck,” Hen says trying to calm him down but Buck just shrugs it off and leaves the small circle or whatever Eddie was trying to do.
“Taylor, can we-um can we leave?” Buck says as he’s pulling Taylor away from some of the rest of the 118 members who don’t argue, just smiles are given that Buck can only fake reciprocate.
“Um, yeah, but I thought you were planning on staying till 6 it’s only half past 4,” Taylor replies looking at her phone’s clock but following Buck to the Jeep, whose pulling out his keys.
“I’ll tell you in a minute.” Buck musters and Taylor just gives a light nod.
“Buck!” Eddie calls and Buck ignores him but he doesn’t pull out his keys in time.
“Don’t do this,” Eddie says, so closely no one else can hear and somehow that makes it worse.
“Don’t do what? Give a reasonable reaction to one of my best friends leaving me?!” Buck cries and Eddie looks away.
“I’m not leaving you. I’m just transferring, to a different job Buck. I could never leave you.” Eddie reassures but Buck isn’t having it.
“It’s not the same.” He argues.
“Don’t do this,” Eddie repeats and Buck sees almost everyone who matters eyes on him. Hen, and Ravi who’ve made their way to the long foldable table with Denny. Bobby and Athena are by the Christmas tree, getting ready to hand out plates.
His heart aches when he realizes people are missing. Maddie, Chimney, and Jee are gone.
Taylor looks at him with pity but nothing else. It’s not her fault. He’s making a scene.
“Buck, where are you going?” Christopher's voice comes up and Buck doesn’t like to lie especially to Christopher, and couldn’t even if he tried.
“He’s not going anywhere Christopher, I just had a gift to pass out and needed some help, I thought I lost it.” Taylor quips and steals the keys from Buck to open the back door. She reveals a bright Green present with an impressive bow in the back of the Jeep.
“And here it is, I just hope someone likes it. Christopher you wanna help me place it somewhere, I’m really bad at giving gifts.” Taylor says in an amusing tone, lying like a pro.
“Sure, Taylor,” Christopher says happily taking the gift and joining her as they go to the tree.
Buck looks down, guilty, and almost in a second everything is normal. He watches Eddie's tired eyes, dark circles surrounding them. Okay so maybe he does need a break.
A temporary break.
Yeah.
A break.
Buck moves past Eddie without looking back, following his girlfriend and Christopher.
He knows they’ll need to talk about it later but it’s fine.
It’s just a break.
The bar was filled with what was expected, Eddie just went in awe for a minute. To an image, he hasn’t seen in so long.
Eddie remembers these nights. Starting out he missed the first couple of offers. Wanting to be settled in with the new house and Christopher first before adding anything new to his schedule. But after a very needed comment from Christopher, he should probably get out of the house for a minute for himself and get to know the 118 more, introduce himself and all that.
Carla had agreed and practically pushed Eddie out the door, assuring him she would get Christopher to bed on time.
It was difficult at first. Never being one to thrive in social events yet, not one to turn them down. He just liked to be there with people he enjoyed spending time with. The 118, he didn’t really have to try. Not with the mommy and daddy convo he shared with Hen. Not with whatever big movie is coming out that Chimney wants to see. Not with Bobby his praise and wisdom he had for his team.
Not with Buck, who can talk for hours about almost anything, not letting the party end until he really needed to.
It all just gets too much for a minute and when he watches a new recruit with blonde cool hair saying something to make Buck laugh.
A laugh he knows .
A smile he thought was his.
Wide smile and soft eyes.
“Are you with the firefighters?” A brunette server questions him with a tray of half-empty drinks he wishes he can down right now to get this weird feeling off his chest.
He’s not a firefighter anymore.
He has to move on.
“No. I’m not.” He says simply and the girl smiles and walks off before the glass cups get too heavy.
He turns back and digs his keys out of his pockets before anyone catches-
“Hey, Eddie!”
Probi.
He tries to run even though it’s embarrassing.
But he notices the white Toyota he used to park next to every Wednesday and Sunday.
“Hi?” Eddie tries to say it smoothly but it comes out as a question.
“Aren’t you heading inside? Everyone in there.” Ravi says his dark eyebrows arching and he crosses his arms, a usual position for him.
“I-um, my babysitter canceled, and I need to head back,” Eddie says pointing to his truck.
“Oh, that sucks. I would offer but it’s my boyfriend's birthday dinner tonight, hence leaving early.” Ravi explains.
Eddie's eyes widen
“Boyfriend?” Eddie questions and he hasn’t even realized he said it until Ravi squints.
“Yeah, um I have a boyfriend. Names James, I uh sorry, I knew I was missing a coming out to someone.”
“Oh,” Eddie says, and he hopes he’s not acting like an asshole right now.
“Yeah, ‘oh’. Is there something wrong with that?” Ravi asks in a way in which he has definitely had to ask before.
“No. No of course not, I just didn’t know you were gay.”
“Oh, I’m not gay, I'm bisexual. I’m older than I feel like I should’ve figured it out, but James is also a paramedic and so we bonded over that first when I met him through a friend and then he just…got me.” Ravi says with a smile and a small chuckle. Eddie wonders if that’s what love sounds like.
“That sounds…good,” Eddie says quietly, “that sounds really good Ravi. I’m happy for you.” Eddie finishes and Ravis smiles bashfully.
“Thanks, Eddie. Tell Chris I said hi okay,” Ravi wishes and Eddie smiles.
“Okay.”
“Hope I see you next meet up, though. Maybe I’ll bring James and you can meet him.” Ravi suggests and Eddie nods, even though he’s lying. He doesn’t belong here anymore. He doesn’t deserve to meet James because he hadn’t known he existed until tonight.
“He actually got a sister who babysits, she's great with kids, I’ll send you the number,” Ravi suggests happily already on his phone Eddie forgets his lie of the evening and he just nods and gets into his car.
Yeah, he won’t be calling James' sister anytime soon.
Buck didn’t want to assume the worst when he broke down the bolted lock of the door. Eddie's bedroom door. He knew something was wrong with Eddie but it’s not like he hadn’t tried to talk about it with him.
If anything he just had to give him some space which he would argue the new job has been doing a pretty good job by keeping him in check.
But the beige walls have been violently punched and causing fluff to spill, the drapes being plucked off the hook, the bed being flipped and stripped sheets combined with shards of glass from broken picture frames.
This is something to worry about.
He steps over to Eddie who shakes and sobs and is disheveled whilst gripping onto a baseball bat like a lifeline. His knuckles are red and throbbing, Buck tries to hold them but Eddie just winces.
“They're all dead.” He repeats angrier and angrier and it makes Bucks throat dry.
“Whose dead, Eddie.”
“Everybody that I saved. They’re all dead.” Eddie spits and his face is red and Buck nods though he’s still confused.
“C’mon Eddie,” Buck tries to take away the bat and Eddie gives in still sobbing he falls into Buck’s chest and pulls at his shirt in need of grounding and coming back to himself. Buck wraps his arms around the man. Providing any comfort to the man. Eddie seems smaller. The loss of some muscle and weight from stress, or a new routine he’s not used to.
They don’t let go of each other until Christopher calls for them. Buck gives a last squeeze to Eddie and he gives himself permission to kiss Eddie's sweaty hair, to reassure him he’ll be back.
“Buck, what’s wrong with Dad?” Christopher asks as he waits on his bed, his game on pause and Christopher has his own tears mirroring Bucks. Buck carefully places himself on Chris’s bed, a weird deja vu flashes over him.
“I think your dad is going through something and he’s just really stressed. And when people get stressed they don’t think straight. He just needs help and rests.”
“Are you gonna help him?” Christopher says looking up to Buck. Buck nods and wraps an arm around Christopher who leans in.
“I’m gonna try my best.”
“Can I help?” Christopher asks quietly and Buck hiccups.
“Um, you being here, safe and healthy. That’s already helping a lot buddy.” Buck says smiling but Christopher doesn’t smile. He scared.
“Can you stay the night?”
“Yeah, yeah if your dad says it’s okay.”
“He’s gonna say yes. He misses you, Buck. I miss you.” the boy confesses and Buck keeps crying.
“I’m sorry.” He’s sorry for not being there, for not pushing hard enough. For being blind. For protecting himself because his stupid feelings toward his best friend aren’t leaving anytime soon.
“It’s okay, we just miss you.”
They talk.
Eddie and Buck.
They don’t talk about the last time Eddie almost died. They talk about the first. The one where Buck wasn’t there to witness. The one that feels so far but a stupid piece of metal is constantly there to taunt the army man. When he wakes up. When he goes to sleep.
Eddie agrees to let Buck just take over for the night. Cause tomorrow is a new day, and Buck quotes Eddie before things went to shit with the law suite a moment in times things were bad.
Really bad.
“Because it’ll be morning and you have things to do. And I’ll be there to help. If you want.” Buck says and reaches across the table holding out his hand.
Eddie looks at it and he reaches out to hold it. His hands are still raw and starting to turn from red to purple.
Buck goes to the first aid kit which is located in the bathroom.
Eddie lets Buck help him.
“Christopher asked if I can stay the night. You can crash on the couch and I can make a floor bed, or something if you want.” Buck suggests an opportunity open so Eddie knows he has a choice.
“You can stay.” He says quietly and tiredly.
“I want you to stay. But I never want to take advantage of that. Do you want to stay?” Eddie asks and Buck looks at Eddie's brown eyes yearning for an answer. But even if he hadn’t asked he would. He will always stay for Eddie and for himself. For Christopher. For his family.
“I want to stay. I want to be here to take care of you. I love you.” Buck says simply and tears from Eddie stop and he gasps a little as Buck leans into Eddie's space pressing his forehead against the other man.
“I love you too,” Eddie says and Buck smiles in relief and kisses the tip of Eddie's nose which makes Eddie chuckles and hide shyly.
“Don’t hide your too pretty for that,” Buck says, and Eddie huffs.
“This is not one of those moments.”
“Oh but guess what?” Buck asks and Eddie tilts his head.
“What.”
“I still love you,” Buck whispers and Eddie smiles.
They’ll take on the rest tomorrow. Schedule an appointment with Dr.Frank. Clean up Eddies room. And calling for an emergency day off with Bobby. Explain everything to Christopher.
But tonight there going to bed and there be okay.