Chapter Text
SOMEWHERE IN CONNECTICUT—DAY HUNDRED-FORTY-ONE
8:42 AM
“Do we have everything?” Regulus questions, calling over from the front of the car.
James looks through the back, pulling through everything they’ve collected, “I don’t know, we might need to stop for more snacks.”
They can practically hear Regulus roll his eyes from the front, “We do not need more food.”
“I don’t know,” James pulls down the trunk, walking back over to the front, “What if we’re stranded on the side of the side of the road without gas and need to just camp out for a few days? We need sustenance!”
“I’m assuming we don’t have phones in this situation,” Regulus questions, sorting through the CDs, he’s added more to the collection than James has at this point. And he says he doesn’t like them.
James shakes their head, taking a seat in the driver's seat sticking in the keys, “Nope, no phones, I threw them out the window.”
Regulus barely even pauses, “And why would you do that?”
James shrugs, “So you would pay more attention to me, obviously.”
“Why are you acting as if I don’t do that already?” Regulus asks.
“It would be much more romantic without our phones, don’t you think?” James asks.
Regulus rolls his eyes, “Alright, whatever you say,” he asks, “What do you want to listen to?” Quickly he adds, “And don’t say folklore I will—“
“Folklore,” James cuts him off.
Regulus just stares at them, unblinking, for probably far too long before he sighs and ends up putting the CD in any way. There was no doubt in James’ mind that he’d give in, he’s so easy. It’s funny no one else ever agrees with them. Everyone they’ve talked about it with at least. Sirius probably the most of all, but they’ve mentioned it to Regulus’ friends too when they’ve come around. They all say they’re crazy, but no one sees the way they see Regulus. Sure, he’ll roll his eyes while he does it and grumpily grumble about it, but he’ll still do whatever James asks him to do, just like he promised to do.
He also promised to finish the trip which is exactly what he’s making sure happens now. James wasn’t prepared for it at all actually, they didn’t think they’d ever head back to America if they’re really being honest. Not after everything that happened. Right after everything, the beach, they were kinda just lost in their head. They couldn’t do anything. They had a plan and they failed to put it into motion. It’s almost strange how life felt back then. It wasn’t normal, it didn’t feel real. It’s not like that was the reason for everything that happened, but it’s just different now, is all. They’re more aware of themself, they know how to stand, and they could sit on the plane and not work themself up into a panic attack so at least that’s something. It’s off and on, it’s kinda hard to describe in all honesty. When it happened they didn’t talk for days, they couldn’t. They tried with Regulus after the beach, laying in the bed with him. They tried. They tried to explain it all, but they were just shut down, it was hard to do anything. They wanted to tell him it wasn’t his fault, and that everything that happened was all James. It was all them being lost in their head and the ocean that was placed inside it, but they couldn’t talk, they could barely think. It was just… bad.
They tried to say goodbye to him too. They tried to tell him that they wanted him to stay, that despite them feeling nothing they still found comfort in him somehow. Even with the ocean right outside their door, he made it better, but they couldn’t speak, or do much of anything. All they could do was watch him go. They didn’t call him after. They didn’t know how to, they could barely speak anyway. They didn’t get full clarity until their parents had already brought them to the hospital. They didn’t talk there either for the first half of it anyway. They sat in their room when they could and left when they had to. They sat in therapy sessions and listened as the therapist tried to reach out to them, even if it never worked out. They started at new walls, and ceilings but they still felt the same, like there was this big hole in their chest, one they couldn’t clear. The ocean was still calling after them. They weren’t scared of death, they welcomed it and clung to it like they would an old baby blanket. A small comfort in a world where they could find very little. They couldn’t hold onto it though, no one would let them. They resented them for a long time for it. At the beach they were angry at Regulus, they wanted to yell and scream, they wanted to do anything it would take to get in that water. That resentment held on, even after they left the hospital and they saw him again. It’s taken a lot for that to go away, and they’ve apologized to him far too many times for them to count at this point. He always tells them it’s okay, that it’s not their fault. They don’t ever believe him, but they let him believe that they do. They need to give them that, at least.
A week into his stay at the hospital they felt real, for just a moment but that was enough, they were thrown back into their body and they stopped hearing the ocean ringing in their ears. The first thing they did was call their mum. She called them every day, their dad did too, they’d pass the phone back and forth. They’d ask about them, and when that didn’t work they’d talk about their days, trying to find a sense of normalcy. That was the first time James called them first, and she answered on the first ring, not even, it took only a second. A habit she’s picked up now.
“James?” She called out, “Are you alright?”
They sat with the phone pressed against their ear for a long while but she never forced them to say anything, she sat with them and waited. They curled their legs to their chest and rested their chin on their knees, “I’m sorry,” they said, their first words in weeks were an apology.
Effie didn’t coo, she didn’t whine, she didn’t react badly at all, she was very level-headed, “It’s okay, baby, you don’t have to apologize to me,” she said.
“I still want to die, mama,” James whined and pressed their knees deeper into their chest, as if it would ease their breath, “I’m sorry.”
She faltered then, they could hardly blame her, “You’re going to be okay. I’ve got you.”
James nodded, even if she couldn’t see them, “I’m tired.”
“I know, honey,” Effie murmurs, “Do you want me to come?”
She wasn’t supposed to, at least not then. There were specific times for that, seeing someone too much could halt progress, but James hadn’t been making progress their entire stay so they’d ease the rules up a bit with them. “Please,” they said. She stayed on the phone with them the entire time until she got there, and their Dad came too. They sat with them as they cried, wiping away their tears and promising to guide them in sprouting a new. Effie sat with them during their first therapy session when they actually spoke. She wasn’t supposed to, but it was the first thing James ever asked of them, so they allowed it just that once. It wasn’t better than, not even close, it almost felt worse letting it all out. Letting people truly see how they were, see inside their flesh and bone. It stayed like that for a few days.
James couldn’t see Sirius during all of that. He wasn’t immediate family and they have really strict rules on that, no one could convince the doctors to let him in. Not even the fact that he lived with James, nothing. They called all the time though, once James got to talking again. Sirius talked more than James did, but they talked. Sirius told James about everything happening outside. He talked about Remus and Peter, and what all the girls were up to. He talked about the shows he was watching and the stupid trends that were happening. They all made little care packages and sent them to James through their parents. They savored each one, keeping pieces of them on them at all times.
They missed Regulus most of all during all of that. He was the one person who never called, and the only person James desperately was waiting by the phone for. They don’t blame him for not calling, they never did, not even while they were there. Their mind made up excuses as to why he wasn’t calling, but they were never angry at him. He explained it to them later, a week after they saw each other again, and asked for forgiveness. James didn’t need to forgive him, they weren’t upset, but they forgave him anyway, they knew he needed to hear it.
Coming home was strange, at first anyway. They were surprised when they told them they could go home. They were making progress, and they weren’t a danger to themself or others anymore. Not that they said that but James could read between the lines. They still wanted to die, that much was for certain. That didn’t go away, but they weren’t going to, they knew that too. No one left them alone when they first got back. They were always with someone, and most of the time it was Regulus. Sirius stole James away more times than not though, much to Regulus’ annoyance. Regulus stayed at the Potter’s, since that very first night, and he didn’t go back home. His parents didn’t notice for weeks, or at least they didn’t say anything. Didn’t ask for him back. When they did Regulus told them he moved out, he was eighteen he could do that, and then refused to answer their calls when they asked where to. “You’re more important,” he said to James, and they melted in his palm.
Anyway, all that’s to say is right after they flew out of America it was a lot. Everything was. Breathing was hard when they still felt the ocean in their lungs, and getting out of bed was much more of a chore than it was before, but they were still alive. They kept living. That’s more than they could’ve expected of themselves before then. They didn’t need more, they went back to school, and they found a routine, but they never expected more. Then Regulus planned this entire trip up, to finish it, to make good on some promises. Not all of them. Just to turn this trip into something more than it is, turn it into something good. James is still reluctant to think it’ll even work. They’re still nervous to stand on the shore in Maine as if they’ll feel the urge to jump in again, to sink to the bottom, and never come up again. That’s for a later issue, though, they’ve still got six hours still they hit Arcadia.
“You know,” Regulus starts as soon as James backs out of the parking lot. “I like knowing where we’re going.”
James smirks, “Oh, yeah?”
Regulus falters, shuffling in his seat to sit up straighter, “What did you do?”
“What are you talking about?” James questions, keeping their eyes on the road, and their cheek between their teeth to stop themself from smiling too wide. That took a while too, learning to smile again without trying to force it. Not that they were forcing it the entire trip. Sometimes it came easy, Regulus helped with that, but it was always a matter of time before it dropped again. Before they got too badly in their head and their cheeks hurt from the strain of it all. It’s okay now though. They’re okay.
“Jamie,” Regulus warns.
James looks over then, letting the smile overtake them, “Yes, baby?”
Regulus clenches his teeth, trying to stop the blush from overtaking his cheeks surely, not that it works, it never does, “Shut up.”
“I didn’t say anything,” James murmurs.
Regulus shakes his head, “Where are we going?”
“Surprise,” James whispers.
“You’re ridiculous,” Regulus says, “Just tell me where we’re going.”
“Nope,” James smiles.
“I will jump out of this car.”
“You’d miss me too much if you died,” James tells him.
“You bug me,” Regulus replies.
“I love you too,” James grabs his hand to kiss his palm and that’s all it takes for Regulus’ face to drop and let them back it.
Like they said. Easy.
BOYLSTON, MA—DAY HUNDRED-FORTY-ONE
10:04 AM
[Marlene]: I won’t be ignored James!
[Marlene]: I get it your boyfriend is much better than me
[Marlene]: You hate me now I understand
[James]: [picture attachment]
[James]: but isn’t he so pretty :(
[Marlene]: gross
[James]: let me be in love!
[Marlene]: I do not need to see a man on my screen
[James]: but I love him :(
[Marlene]: you’re so stupid
[James]: mean
“You’re supposed to be paying attention to me, you know,” Regulus says as James picks their head up. “Marlene can wait.”
Their first stretch of today’s drive took them to a little botanical garden, covered in flowers and vine. They’re not very far in it, they’ve really only parked the car and walked inside. Then Marlene texted and well… they’re best not left waiting. The last time they didn’t get a response in a few hours and well… the beach happened. James didn’t talk to them for almost three weeks, the most they’ve ever gone since they started talking. They’re trying to make up for it now. Slowly building it back up. When they came back it was immediately the same, like nothing had changed. James went back to calling Marlene at random times during the day to tell them about something stupid. Marlene went back to texting James in the middle of the night and actually expecting them to reply. They had a routine again, and things have been good.
“Tell that to them,” James says, sliding their phone into their back pocket.
“Oh, I will,” Regulus crosses his arms, “You’re my girlfriend, not theirs. I get dibs.”
“Dibs?” James steps forward, collecting his waist in their hands to drag him in, placing their hands in his back pockets.
Regulus hums, fixing his arms around their shoulders, “I planned a nice trip for us—“
“You didn’t plan this—“
“Shush,” Regulus cuts them off. “I planned this nice trip for me and my partner to go on and now they’re ignoring me the entire time,” he says, “That doesn’t seem very fair.”
James shakes their head, they’re still not used to him calling them that, or anything really. Regulus interchanges it a lot, just like James said they’d like. They really didn’t think he would. They thought he’d just stick with one title and go with it. They never really talked about it, either of them, it just became a natural progression really. Even during the original trip they never actually confirmed anything. It was always up in the air, but the words always came so easily to them. They already told each other they loved each other all the time, calling each other boyfriends isn’t exactly a stretch. “You’ve got my full attention now.”
“Good,” Regulus lets James lean down and take his lips in theirs. It’s a slow push and pull, one that leaves James smiling when they pull away. Regulus too, even if he tries to hide it. He pulls away, grabbing James’ hand and dragging them off, “Now why are we here?”
James lets go of his hand to take Regulus’ waist instead, “Do you remember Pennsylvania?”
Regulus pauses, “The infamous one?”
James laughs, “That was Delaware.”
“Close enough,” Regulus says, letting James take him down a path. They’re not exactly sure where they’re going, they didn’t pick up a map from the front but surely they can’t get too lost. Plus it’s not exactly like they have to rush to their location, it’s only the one. They’ll stay there for a few days, there’s nothing that they’ll miss. There are no other days to get messed up either. This is it. They’ll take their time.
“I had a plan,” James explains, “Originally for it before the accident.”
It’s always been hard to talk about, it took them a lot to just mention it in conversation casually. Not that they really tend to mention it a lot, there hasn’t really been a point. It comes up though, Regulus not having the cast on anymore has helped with it. It’s just more than the accident. It’s more than hurting Regulus. It’s what the accident almost did. Not only if Regulus would’ve left. He wouldn’t have ever. James was stupid for even trying to suggest it, Regulus was steady by that point, nothing could’ve gotten him to leave. But James was tired and a fool and terrified of their own thoughts, they really didn’t have any other options. They were stuck. Things are better now though. They don’t have to worry about it. So it can just be what it was. An accident.
“I figured,” Regulus says, “Not that you tell me anything.”
“It’s more fun this way,” James tells him like they’ve told him many times before. “There’s this botanical garden in Pennsylvania. They have these treehouses and little paths, we could spend all this time exploring. I’d figured we’d spend a few hours and then head up to New York.”
New York. The infamous one. James blacked out for most of it. Not on purpose, and there really was nothing that caused it. They just missed Regulus even if he was right next to them, and spending the entire day with Sirius and Remus did something to them. They felt themself slipping, they kept going in and out of themself. They don’t think Regulus noticed a lot of it, or at least they hoped he didn’t. They didn’t spend that much of the day together. James made sure of that. They spent most of their time locked in their room Remus came in a few times if they remember right. He was worried, but James acted oblivious like there was no reason at all for him to feel that way. They made him feel stupid, or at least they tried to anyway. They thought if they could trick Remus everyone else was easy. But they didn’t trick Remus, and they didn’t trick Regulus either. They were slipping so far down into the ocean it was hard to do anything else.
Regulus nods, murmuring quietly, “It would’ve been nice.”
“I thought we could redo it now,” James says, “It’s a different place, but I don’t know—“
“I like it,” Regulus cuts them off before they can start rambling. “We have a few hours?”
James hums, “We can’t stay long we have to get back on the road if we wanna get to the cabin before dark.”
“Then let’s do it then,” Regulus walks on, picking a path without hesitation. James isn’t sure where it leads, they didn’t research this place as much as they could’ve. They figured they could both be surprised for once. “This is better anyway, if we went in June we would’ve died.”
James laughs, “It wasn’t that hot.”
Regulus shakes his head, “It was unbearable.”
“You’re being so dramatic.”
“Well I’m sorry some of us weren’t born for the sun,” Regulus says. “There were bugs and—“
“Oh my god,” James cuts him off. “Not this again.”
Regulus sighs, “This weather is much better.”
“Yeah alright,” James agrees, just for the sake of letting Regulus off easy, “It’s better.”
October is a weird time for them, it’s too close to the lake. Well not really, it’s just that James’ mind kinda tricks them into thinking it was. They tried to jump into the lake in July, it was almost a year when they went on the trip. Almost, not quite. The rest of the month was a blur, really, and then it was August and everyone was already heading back to school, or going to school for the first time, that is. They went too, and September was just full of missing home, and also not feeling anything at all, strangely. It’s hard to describe. They just wanted to be home and they wanted to be nowhere at the very same time. They started playing 80s music and pissing off Peter with how much it was playing in their dorm. They started skipping classes to just stare at walls and then play it off as if they were just fucking around instead. When October turned they realized they couldn’t keep going like that. They needed a way out. They came up with the trip. Sitting in one of their classes, it doesn’t matter which one. They were in the back, their computer lighting their face even if there wasn’t a single note typed. They just kept staring and thinking of water, of the ocean, and the soft blanket it would’ve felt like to fall on. It terrified them, how easy death felt, and how much they wanted it, how much they craved it. After everything, they still felt like they were in the water.
Sitting in the back of the lecture hall they thought of the best way to go out. If they had to choose, what would their plan be? They’ve thought of stuff like this before. They thought of their funeral and who would come, who would cry? Who would stand at their grave and weep? How long would it take them to stop? How long before they were forgotten forever? But they never planned on how they would die, or how they would make it happen anyway. They had little thoughts here and there but they never meant anything. It was nothing like that. They couldn’t leave the class early, they couldn’t move, paralyzed their hands shaking. They could just go for a trip. Somewhere far where no one could find them. They’d bring Sirius with them, travel with him across the country, and then send him away. It would be easy, and he wouldn’t suspect a thing. They couldn’t bring Remus though, he would know immediately. He knew too much but Sirius, yeah Sirius could work. They’d make those last two weeks perfect for him, it would be everything he could ever ask and more, and then they’d get to… Maine, yes that sounded nice. They would get to Maine and James would fall into the water, floating there so innocently until they’d fall. A broken body to be pulled onto shore, dying with peace finally implanted in their bones.
It was stupid. They were shaking, and sitting there in that classroom they knew they needed to do it. As soon as the class went out they went back to the dorm. Peter had another class still, he’d be gone for another hour, it was a perfect time. James never wrote down the plan, in case someone found it out. They just needed to figure out how to get Sirius to think it was really him who came up with it not James. It would be better to trick Remus too. It would be less suspicious. They didn’t go to class for a week, they barely did anything really. Peter had to drag them to actually eat. They kept saying they were working on an assignment, some essay they think, they can’t remember. Their eyes were always red and tired, but no one knew. They refused to see Remus, he would know, no one could know. Looking back on it now they’re not sure how no one noticed. They try not to think about it. Another week went by and in their insanity they started hinting at a vacation, somewhere far, for weeks. Always to Sirius, or at least aimed at him. Eventually, he got the hint, he started talking about a road trip, across the entire country of America.
James dropped out the week after. They didn’t need to go to school anymore, they didn’t need to education, they wouldn’t get the diploma anyway, what would be the point of it all? Plus they wanted to spend as much time with their parents as they could before it all went down. They moved back home, and spent their nights pressed against Effie’s side, watching her cook and sew trying to soak it all in. They sat out in the back garden with Monty, a book open even if they never read a single word. They sorted through all their old things, and new things, everything they’ve ever owned and put it into piles. Trying to decide who would get what. That was one of the best parts of it all. Giving everything away. They never did it while they were still alive, it would be too obvious, they tucked a letter beneath their bed. A place no one would look unless they knew what they were looking for.
Regulus found it a week after he moved in with them, he had tears in his eyes and James felt ashamed, it washed over them in waves. Apologizes sat on the tip of their tongue but Regulus just shook his head, blinked away his tears, and kissed their cheeks, and the bridge of their nose. Then he shredded the paper between his hands and buried it in the trash. James felt broken by it. They still wanted to die, they knew they wouldn’t, and no one would let them, but they still liked having a plan in place. Regulus made sure to wipe it all away. It’s for the better now they know that, but it still hurts like hell to wash it all away like that.
“Jamie,” Regulus calls out, he’s ahead of them now, somehow detached though James doesn’t remember how. He’s surrounded by fauna and vinery and he looks so pretty. James wants to collapse into him and never let themself breathe again. They want to be wrapped in his arms forever and always. “You okay?”
They shake themself out of their head, it’s a dangerous place to be, especially this close to the coast. “I’m okay,” they reassure him, reaching forward to grab his outstretched hand.
“You can talk to me, you know,” Regulus reminds them. He reminds them a lot about it actually. It’s never in a pushy way, but sometimes it’s exactly what James needs to hear.
“I know,” they reply, their eyes darting around the little gardens resting around them, “I’m just thinking.”
“Good thinking, or bad thinking?” Regulus asks, they can feel his eyes on them, and worry wrapping around his grip. It’s not that they can blame him, they never blame him, they completely understand it. They don’t care about themself, they’re trying to get there but it’s hard most of the time. They don’t mind what happens to them, but they know if Regulus ever wanted to jump into the ocean they would grip his hand so tightly it would leave a scar. They wouldn’t sleep, they’d stay up just to watch him breathe. Which Regulus has done with them. Some nights it’s worse than others. The ocean is in Regulus’ eyes as much as it’s in James’ and they hate that they did that to him. It’s their fault. They took his heart and placed it in the water, they dragged salt across his open wounds and made him worry. They made him frightened so badly that he sat up with the moonlight, rocking back and forth counting their breaths. They wake up to it sometimes, but they know they don’t always. They grab him and drag him down, kissing down his skin reminding him that they’re alive. Reminding themself too, actually. They comfort him enough that he starts to sleep, resting his ear on their chest so he can hear their heart still beating. It’s getting better though. It’s going slow, but better.
James shrugs, “A little bit of both.”
It’s not that it’s all bad. They’re still alive, that’s a good part of it. They’re not sure when they started viewing it like that. When they switched between regretting being alive and regretting wanting to die in the first place. It’s not a permanent thing. It goes back and forth a lot, even now. Sometimes they still do really want to die. They hear the ocean calling their name from just outside their window and they have to get Regulus to hold onto their hand so they don’t slip. But it’s still getting better.
Regulus doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t look expectedly. He just looks at them and waits, even for them to talk about what they’re thinking or change the subject entirely. Either way, he’ll be there. Always. They know that now.
“Are you scared for when we make it to Maine?” They end up asking, they are not sure where the question comes from and yet they know exactly the place in their ribs that are screaming for an answer.
Regulus pauses, deep with thought, they can see it in his eyes and his furrowed brow, “Are you scared?”
“I asked you first,” James says, avoiding the question.
Regulus shakes his head but allows it anyway. “I don’t think I’m scared. ”
“What is it then?” James asks, always begging for answers maybe they don’t really want to know. They want Regulus to feel the same that they do, and they want him to feel nothing of it. They want the small comfort of having someone who can understand exactly every motion pouring through their veins, and they want to keep Regulus far away from the dark feelings in their head. Regulus is too bright of a light to be shown it. James knows he doesn’t agree, hell probably no one agrees with them. Regulus is moody and annoyed all the time. He grew up in shadows and sickness, but he’s still so bright. He’s so much more than James will ever be, and they don’t care if no one ever finds it in them to agree with them. They don’t care. They still want to protect him from it. All of it. They already showed him the ocean, they don’t want to pull him into it too.
They end up at a small lookout, overlooking the field, Regulus drags them to one of the seats, placing their hands in his lap, “Where’s this coming from?”
James sighs, “Can you just answer the question?”
Regulus pauses, then nods, “I’m not scared of going to Maine. I know you won’t do anything.”
Does James know that too? Their first reaction is to say no. They don’t know anything at all. They could show up at the shoreline and jump in without another thought, their chest falters at the thought. They don’t trust themself at all. If given the option would they do it all again? Would they welcome the ocean into their lungs just to feel something? If only to grasp onto a little touch of relief.
“You won’t do anything,” Regulus repeats, as if he’s run into James’ mind. Hell, he probably lives inside of it by now, he knows it so well. He runs the pad of his thumb over their wrists, delicately rubbing the skin, his fingers dipping underneath the fabric there. It’s one of Regulus’ sweaters, James couldn’t help themself. It’s only fair, Regulus steals James’ clothes all the time. “This isn’t moving backward, you know.”
James shrugs, “I guess not.”
“What’s going on?” Regulus mumbles quietly, reaching up to take their face in his hands. His eyes are soft and sweet. James knows they're the only person in the world who gets to see them like that. “You were okay with the trip before?”
James hums with confirmation, “I’m okay with the trip.”
“Are you sure?” Regulus questions, “We can leave if you want to. We don’t have to go up to Maine.”
“I—“
Regulus shakes his head, “We can drive somewhere else. Anywhere. We can head back to Nashville if you want to or go see Marlene or—“
“No,” James cuts him off, “I want to go up to Maine I—“ they sigh, “I need to go up to Maine. I need to do it.”
Regulus nods, “Then we’ll go up to Maine,” he says, and it sounds so simple. It sounds it anyway, they’re not really sure if it is that simple. It doesn’t normally go like that. Not for them anyway.
“I just,” they take a breath, “I don’t know what will happen when I reach that shoreline.”
They’ve worked and they’ve struggled all to get here. They’ve gone through months of therapy to open up that locked box they keep in their chest. They’ve held onto Regulus and tried to find some resemblance of a will to actually continue on. They’ve forced themself to finally for once see themself having a future. They never did before, not once, even when they were small. They always thought it would end way before they got there. It’s ingrained in their mind and it’s broken in their chest. It’s everywhere. They’ve had the plans for the trip tattooed on their skin since last October. It’s been a year since it came into their mind and burrowed its way into their flesh. It’s a part of them. It’s all that they are. How can a few months of work just erase all of that? It can’t. It’s not possible. It’s still around them. It’s everything, and they don’t know what to do with that. They can say that once they get to the coast they’ll be completely fine all they want. They can say they won’t want to walk straight into that ocean and never come out of it again. They can say they’ll sit there and be happy with the life they have. They can smile and laugh and be a fucking person, but that’s not them. It’s never been how they are. The ocean has never been kind to them. So they don’t know. After all of this, they may be in the exact same position they were in back in June. They could just keep repeating history until the end times. Again and again and again and—
“Hey,” Regulus cuts them off, rubbing circles on their jaw and pulling them back in. “You’re freaking yourself out.”
James shakes their head, “I’m f—“
“Jamie,” Regulus warns, it’s not in a mean way, it’s soft, but the guilt still floods their chest. They’ve been working on that too, “You don’t have to be fine. This whole trip doesn’t have to be easy. I didn’t think it would be.”
“You didn’t?” James questions, they feel their heart in the middle of their throat. They’re choking on it.
He shakes his head, “I knew that you needed it, and that I would be there with you every single step of the way, but I didn’t think it would be easy.”
James nods slowly, “I’m scared,” they whine, their words tapering off at the ends.
“I’ve got you,” Regulus promises, “Always.”
James bites the inside of their cheek, forcing the words out, “What if I go in the water again?”
Regulus tightens his grip, he doesn’t even mean to, “No.” He says, “I won’t let you.”
It’s funny, they said they’d go in the water again. They’ve never been in it in the first place. Not at the lake. Not at the beach. Every single time they’ve made it there they’ve gotten close but fall short at the very end. They’ve never been in the water and yet it calls them home.
“But—“
“James,” Regulus cuts them off, “You’re not getting in the water. You’re not leaving me.”
James nods, “I won’t.”
Regulus moves his thumb to their cheek, running across their bone, “If you even feel a little bit of that you’ll tell me, yeah? We’ll get through it together.”
“Yeah, I’ll tell you,” James says, and they actually mean it. Before they didn’t. They got so used to lying about everything it became second nature. They never meant to, and they were never really present in their lying. It just sorta happened and then it got hard to stop. Besides saying their fine is much easier than unpacking everything, or leading the ocean to yet another person’s door.
It’s obvious what Regulus is about to do as soon as it comes in his mind and yet James still lets out a surprised sound when he reaches over to pull them in, pressing their face into his shoulder. “I’m so proud of you,” Regulus murmurs, kissing the top of their head.
Their eyes sting, they’re not sure why that is, “I haven’t even done anything.”
Regulus shakes his head, “You’re alive, that’s enough.”
It shouldn’t be something to be proud of, but James doesn’t say it. They know what Regulus means by it, and maybe they should be proud of themself for that. Maybe they should be proud that they’re not in the ocean yet, and that they’d cut off their brain enough to make sure they won’t go there. They’re not proud, not yet anyway. Being alive should just be the default. It’s not something to be praised for.
Regulus pulls away after James doesn’t say anything, “I love you,” he says, pressing a kiss on each cheek.
“I love you,” James whispers.
Regulus leans forward pressing their foreheads together, and closes his eyes. James doesn’t, they stare at him instead, they can’t help it. They want to stare at him forever. They don’t stay there for long, though, and after only a few moments Regulus opens his eyes again and breaks a smile as soon as he notices that James was watching him the whole time. James wants a picture of it to keep in their pocket, they want a whole oil painting made of it to hang in their room. He pulls away, “You ready to keep going?”
James nods, “Yeah, I’m ready.”
Regulus is the first one to get up and reach out his hand, and James grabs it with no hesitation. Getting up is a little easier, just a little, but bit by bit breathing turns back into second nature, and they can run through this place with Regulus lagging behind them. Slow and easy they go.
SOMEWHERE IN MAINE—DAY HUNDRED-FORTY-ONE
2:04 PM
James almost forgot how nice it is to just drive to places. They haven’t done it in a while. They don’t have a car back home, if they need to go somewhere they take their mum’s. They could buy a car, there’s nothing stopping them but it still feels too big right now. It feels too much like a commitment, which might be a little strange, but they don’t know. If they don’t end up surviving, not just on this trip but in the long run it’ll just be another thing for everyone to deal with after their buried. It’s a really awful way of looking at things, and they’ve been talking about their therapist about it a lot. They’re not there yet, is all they're saying, but one day they’ll get there. It’s nice to just be here though, with the long winding roads and freeways. It’s freeing in a way, to be placed here. They have the windows completely down and Regulus hair keeps getting in his face but he never tells them to put them back up. The autumn air drenches them the longer they drive and James is thriving in it.
“Sirius broke into our dorm,” Regulus mumbles, his eyes stuck on his phone.
“He what?”
Regulus sighs, typing something, “Well I don’t know if it is Sirius but I don’t know who else it would be.”
“Pandora,” James answers.
Regulus shakes his head, “No—well she did but when she got in she saw things were out of place, so obviously someone else was in there.”
“Barty and Evan then,” James replies.
“They’re in Vegas,” Regulus brushes it off.
“Again?”
“They’re always in Vegas,” Regulus deadpans. It’s not like it’s an exaggeration. It is where they got married after all, which is crazy no matter how many times James hears about it. Hell, they were there the night it happened, and still. They’re not really sure why they even go to school, they’re hardly ever there. They leave almost every weekend and fly out to get drunk off their asses and almost get arrested. They’re better about it now that they know Regulus won’t fly out to get them. They learned it the hard way after having to stay in there the whole weekend after they called Regulus and he refused to get them.
“Why was Sirius in the dorm, then,” James questions.
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” Regulus says.
Going back to school was a very difficult decision. They knew they needed it, once they cleared their head enough to understand that they’d have a future. No matter if they thought they were being forced into having that future or not. They were having one. They never hated being at school they just thought it was pointless. They enjoyed their classes well enough. When they went back they knew they’d have to retake the first year, they really only showed up to a handful of classes before it all went to shit. Regulus decided to go to the same school, James tried to talk him out of it actually. They didn’t want him to just follow them if he really didn’t want it, but Regulus wouldn’t listen to it. The school had all the classes he wanted, and he got in, so he wouldn’t let James talk him out of it. Barty and Evan followed because they didn’t go anywhere without Regulus, and Pandora just happened to go there. It was on her list of places way before any of them.
They have a shared room, and pushed the beds together to make one, even if they end up pushed to one side most of the time anyway. They study in the library together when they have the time, and Regulus keeps James from falling off with stress. He makes them take breaks all the time, which sometimes can be annoying but they also know they need it so they don’t complain… much anyway. James does the exact same thing with him, even if he tries to act like he’s got everything handled he doesn’t. They skipped their Friday classes to make it up here and make sure they have time for everything. A break is nice, especially now that classes have been going on for a while.
“The fucking idiot,” Regulus mumbles after a while.
“What?” James laughs.
“He thought Lasso was there,” Regulus tells them.
James blinks, “Why would he think—“
“He’s a fucking idiot, that’s why,” Regulus answers, “He just texted me wondering where he is.”
“Why would we leave a cat in the dorm for the whole weekend?” James questions, “He knows how hard it is to hide him when we’re there.”
Regulus tosses his phone aside, “It’s Sirius, that’s a good enough answer.”
“Fair enough.”
They got a cat two months after James got back home, or well James got a cat anyway. Regulus knew nothing about it. It was the first time James was actually allowed to be out on their own, and they were heading to school in a week. They said they were going to get some notebooks for classes and everything and to be fair, they did go and do that, but the rescue place was just down the road. They just went in to look around, that’s all. Then they caught eyes with this small little thing, a calico kitten all hidden in the back far away from all the other cats. He looked so sad James had to go over and pick it up, and when they did it was over, they were gone. They immediately went over and asked to take it home, and somehow they were allowed. He purred in their lap the entire way home and they almost crashed because they couldn’t stop looking at him.
When they got home they ignored their parents' call and went up to the room to find Regulus. He was lying on the bed, scrolling on his phone, and sat up immediately when he saw what was in their hands.
“What is that,” he asked slowly.
“Lasso,” James answered, they thought of the name in the car and they were done for.
Regulus blinked, “No.”
“No, what?”
“No, you don’t have a cat,” Regulus answers, “And you are not naming it after a fucking cowboy—“
“You’re right,” James says, “I don’t have a cat, we have one,” They walked forward placing it in Regulus’ arms.
Regulus faltered, it’s all it took, “Fine, we are not naming him after—“
“He already knows his name, Reg,” James pouted, “You can’t go change it up on him now, it’ll confuse the poor guy.”
Regulus was done for. He let James do whatever they wanted. Once again. So easy.
They really had no choice they had to bring it to the dorm, they waited a couple of weeks to make sure no one would catch them. To get down the routine and also sweet talk their RA into letting them get away with a few more things than they probably should’ve. Then they had to steal him back from Monty who had gotten quite attached to him, but over all it was easy. Lasso is back with Effie and Monty now, just for the weekend. Where he’ll be spoiled James is sure.
“How much longer do we have?” Regulus questions, reaching for the map only to have his hand slapped away, “What? I know where we’re going!”
“Doesn’t matter,” James shakes their head, “Let me keep my surprises.”
“It’s so stupid—“
James pouts, “Are you calling me stupid?”
“Yes, I am,” Regulus deadpans, “How much longer.”
“Not that much longer,” James tells him, and they mean it, well sorta. They have a couple more hours, but it’ll feel like nothing. The shoreline is so close, that they feel it entangling in their lungs. They feel it all around.
Regulus sighs, “You’re impossible.”
James just smiles, and the album playing over the radio runs out, “You wanna change it?” They add, “It gives you something to do.”
Regulus rolls his eyes but reaches back to get the little box anyway. Their collection is even bigger than it was during their first trip, and they didn’t think that was possible, but tell that to Regulus. He’s been very adamant about giving James everything they want and more. There are a few albums they haven’t gotten the chance to listen to yet. Regulus just won’t slow down.
He slips Hozier into the player before sitting back in his seat.
“Good choice,” James tells him.
“You would’ve said that no matter what I picked,” Regulus murmurs.
“Maybe,” James shrugs, a smile fighting against their lips.
It’s only a few moments later when they look over to find Regulus with his eyes closed, his head tilted toward the driver's side. Like clockwork. It doesn’t matter if he’s actually tired or not, Regulus will fall asleep on their car rides. He’s like a toddler in that way. James finds it cute, and they tell him that all the time, much to his annoyance. Keeping their hand steady they reach over with the other one and brush a stray hair away from his face.
“You can sleep,” They whisper quietly.
“I’m not even tired,” Regulus murmurs half-gone to sleep already, trying to burrow his way into the seat.
“Alright, love,” James mumbles, turning back to the road, lifting their foot off the gas to ease up a little, and allow Regulus to sleep without the car rocking with potholes.
ARCADIA ME—DAY HUNDRED-FORTY-ONE
4:37 PM
Sirius calls pretty much as soon as they step inside, James is just putting the bags down in the room when their phone starts ringing. It’s a small place, but they don’t need much. They’re surrounded by forest, the ocean is a thirty-minute hike away, and they didn’t want it to be too close. Not that they can’t be trusted to rest just outside of it, but it’s still scary being that close. They still wake up in the middle of the night and try to run out to it, it’s really a blessing now that they live so far away from it. If that would happen with the ocean right outside their door though, they don’t know if they’d be able to stop it. If they’d be strong enough. It’s better this way.
“Hi,” is the first thing Sirius says, and it also puts James on edge. It could mean two things. Either Sirius did something really stupid and is now here to tell James all about it, or he’s worried about them. They doubt it’s the latter, they haven’t done anything, at least that he has seen, but it still puts a weird feeling in their chest.
“Hi?” James says, laying the bags on the dresser. They probably won’t ever unpack. They’re only here for the weekend and they never unpacked on the trip before. There wasn’t the time to. If they were head for a week maybe they’d end up doing it. Maybe Regulus will, they’ve never been in one location for this long before they’re not sure what the protocol is.
“How’s the trip going?” Sirius says slowly.
James straightens up, “It’s going good?”
“Good, that’s good,” Sirius says, and before he can say another word James knows exactly what’s happening.
“My mum put you up to this didn’t she?” James says quickly.
Sirius falls silent, “Can’t I just call my best friend?”
James hums, “Tell my mum that I’m fine.”
“She’s not here!” Sirius argues.
“She called you didn’t she?” James questions.
“No!” Sirius lies, he’s a really bad liar. James has no idea how he can be. They don’t think his lies can get any worse and then they do.
There’s a voice in the background and it takes no time at all for James to recognize it, “Put Moony on the phone.”
Sirius falls off, “What?”
“Remus,” James says, “I hear him, I wanna talk to him.”
“Remus isn’t here,” Sirius says quickly.
“Come on,” James murmurs.
Without another word, Remus is on the phone, “Hi, James.”
“Did my mum call you?” James questions.
“She’s just worried about you,” Remus explains.
James sighs, throwing their head back, they knew going on this trip would be hard for her. It’s one of the only reasons they actually debated staying back. Just forgetting this whole thing ever happened, but Monty was able to convince her to calm down a little bit. Plus they trust Regulus, they know he won’t let anything happen that’ll lead to James getting hurt, but the memories are too much. Guilt eats away at James’ chest for it, but it’s okay, really, they’re fine. They made it to Maine in one piece, only a couple more days to go. “I’m fine!”
“James,” Remus sighs, “You—“
“I know,” James cuts him off, “But if she was so—“
“She knew if she called you you would just lie,” Remus says, “And that’s not because she doesn’t trust you, it’s because she knows you’ll do anything it takes to protect her.”
They know it shouldn’t be that way around. Effie should be the one to protect them, she talks about that a lot. Especially when they first came home from the hospital. After the dust had cleared anyway. She felt awful, she wanted everything for them and they didn’t let her help. They try now, to let her help, to be protected for once, but they can’t help it. She’s their mum. They never want to hurt her.
James sighs, “I really am fine.”
“I know,” Remus reassures them, “We’re just making sure.”
They appreciate it, they didn’t use to but in time they’ve learned to. They just don’t need it right now, they don’t need people constantly watching over their back. They’ve got Regulus for that.
“I’ll call you later,” James says.
“You’re already ending the conversation?” Remus teases, “You don’t care about me anymore?”
James laughs, “Sorry, Moony, I’ve got other things I gotta do.”
“Hm-mhm,” Remus hums, “I’ll talk to you later.”
“I love you,” James says, it’s risky to say now but they can’t help it, “Tell Sirius too.”
“Yeah, will do,” Remus adds, “We love you too.”
James tosses their phone on the bed, only to turn around and find Regulus standing there, that glint in his eyes. Predictable as ever he lunges forward and knocks James back on the bed, practically crawling over top of them to sit on their stomach.
“Hi,” James murmurs, “You hear who I was talking to?”
Regulus nods beside their neck, leaving lingering open-mouth kisses down their throat.
“That jealousy thing is never gonna go away huh,” James teases. It’s a little funny. At least James is enjoying themself whenever it comes up. It’s not like it really changes anything, and it never gets in the way of James talking to Remus. Regulus knows he can’t actually ask James not to talk to him, and he’d never ask them to do that anyway. He’ll just get a little annoyed when Remus is around, that’s all, and grumble whenever he’s mentioned. There was a weird time right after the beach where they got along, it kept going after James got out of the hospital. It lasted maybe a week before Regulus was back to hating Remus again, and James let out a breath of relief. Things being normal again was good, even if normal means Regulus glaring every time Remus enters the room.
Regulus grumbles something incoherent refusing to lift his head. James pulls him away long enough to roll up their sleeve, “This is for you, yeah?”
Regulus' eyes widen even now, he hasn’t actually gotten used to it yet. To be fair James hasn’t gotten used to his either. “Yeah,” Regulus murmurs, his gaze tracing over the star. So so easy.
“You’re so stupid,” James leans forward, kissing his cheek.
Regulus rolls his eyes, pushing James to lie back keeping his hands on their shoulders, “And you’re the one with the tattoo for me.”
“You’ve got one of those too, baby,” James tries to lean up to kiss him again but Regulus’ grip is strong. James pouts, “Mean.”
Regulus shakes his head, “You’re ridiculous.”
James hums, their gaze flickering, before Regulus can lean in again they stop him, “I think we have to go out tonight.”
Regulus knows what they’re talking about without question, “You wanna go on the hike?”
“I need to,” James murmurs. “I need to know.”
To know they can survive it. To know it’s still there. To know their plan wasn’t completely stupid. To know their plan could’ve worked in another lifetime. To know they’re still alive.
“Then we’ll go,” Regulus says, stepping away so James can get up.
“I’ll pack the bag,” James walks over to grab the backpack they brought.
“It’s a thirty-minute walk,” Regulus says, “We don’t need—“
“You’ll get tired after ten minutes,” James argues, “I’ll pack the bag.”
Regulus just rolls his eyes and waits by the door for them to be finished. He changed into one of their sweaters, it’s a grandpa sweater with roses lining the front. It’s from the back of their closet. They haven’t worn it in ages, they honestly forgot about it, but Regulus saw it and loved it immediately. Hasn’t taken it off since.
James is the first one out the door, slinging the bag across their back. The path isn’t far from the cabin, they only have to walk maybe five minutes to reach it. It’s tucked in the back, and they’re probably the only ones on it. It links up with another cabin not too far from it, but it’s faster just to drive. James doesn’t want to do it the fast way, they probably couldn’t do it. They need to get there on their own. Well with Regulus right beside them anyway.
The weather is nice enough that they can hold hands and it not be all sweaty, not that that would make them stop at all. James has to be holding Regulus’ hand at all times, they refuse to let go of it. Even if Regulus is dragging behind a little bit, not on purpose, of course, he wouldn’t do that, not now. He’s just never been very good with nature, any time he’s out in it James is forcing him to go. Which of course, they don’t mind doing. It’s nice when it’s just the two of them. It’s hard to get it back home, there was always someone else. It’s not that James doesn’t love his friends, but they always pick the worst times to show up. Classes are busy enough this weekend is nice, just being able to be with Regulus again. They were together constantly for two weeks it’s hard to step away from that, even with all this time that’s passed. They still find themself wanting to go back to that. Hell, they’ve even considered just buying a van outright and living in it with him, but then they’d have to buy the thing and that’s a whole other thing. Maybe one day. They’d like that. They’d force him to like it too. Not that they think they’d need to. Regulus is easy to please really. Probably no one has ever said that before, but James is okay with being the first.
“So when we get there,” James says after a bit of walking. They’re probably halfway through. Fifteen minutes really isn’t that long of a time. They feel it in their chest. It’s a pretty straightforward trail, there’s nothing to delay them.
“We’ll just sit there,” Regulus suggests, “Eat the snacks I know you packed.” They did. “And then head back. It doesn’t have to be something special.”
It doesn’t, but isn’t it? This is a big thing, it feels overwhelming. It completely surrounds their chest, and it’s hard. It’s hard even thinking about it. It’s hard living it. It was only a few months ago they almost drowned in this same sea, maybe not the same place, but it’s close enough. They almost died, and now they’re back here and everything is okay. Well, not everything. They’re not perfect by any means but they’re alive, and they’re working towards it. That’s big. And yet, maybe it’s not at the same time.
All this time everyone’s been telling them to take it one step at a time. One foot after the other and all that bullshit. At least they called it bullshit when they heard it the first time. They didn’t think any of it could get any easier. They could fake it, sure, they’d done that a million times before, but it never got any easier. It just got worse. Faking it and hiding it turned it all around and it got bad again. Making one step every day wouldn’t do anything it would just waste a lot of time. They’d start to be okay, and feel okay and then they’d falter and fail. They’d crash and burn and just feel shitty about themself. It would just waste time and energy, and it would be awful. Then they had to. They had no other choice. They had to keep going. They had to keep breathing and bleeding. They couldn’t stop, they could only slow down. So that’s what they did.
Going out and seeing the ocean is just that. It’s just that one more step. They can take another step. They can look out into the infinite horizon and keep their legs steady. What’s one more step? What’s one more mile? Nothing is fixed but that’s not the goal, not today. Today it’s just to see the ocean. It’s terrifying. They feel that fear in their bones, but they can see the ocean. They can look out into it and breathe in the salty air. They can do it.
“Yeah,” they agree, “I can do that.”
“We will,” Regulus squeezes their hand.
They squeeze back three times. He does too.
It doesn’t take long after that, and yet it takes a million years at the same time. Their heartbeat is leaping in their throat when they walk out into the clearing, the ocean in clear view. They’ve been hearing it for a while, the quiet lull in the background. Now it’s right there. It’s right in front of them, and maybe it’s not so big anymore. Maybe they were actually right. They still hesitate, right at that bend, paralyzed by the sight of it.
“You okay?” Regulus asks, pausing with them. Never pushing them to do more, never trying to shield them from it either.
“Yeah,” they say, and surprisingly they mean it. “I’m okay.”
The next few steps are easy. It’s like they’re nothing, but they still keep their eyes on the tide, stopping far enough away that it doesn’t touch them. As if it could grab onto their ankles if they get too close and drag them in. Soft hands, yes, but ones they can’t know the feeling of.
“Wanna sit?” Regulus questions.
James nods, refusing to look away as they manage to sit down, Regulus right beside them. He tangles their legs together and drags the bag off their back. They hear the zipper tug and pull as Regulus lays the snacks out in front of them. It takes a bit but eventually, they can pull their eyes away. To fight the urge to run in even now is stronger than they thought, but it’s also easier to fight. Maybe they’re the one who’s stronger now. They’re not sure what to think of that.
They probably packed too much in terms of food, and they’re not really hungry now but they take something to make Regulus happy. Opening one of the trail mixes and spilling some over their hand.
“How are you feeling?” Regulus asks after a bit of time. The sun makes its way towards the horizon, it’s not exactly sunset yet, but it’s getting there.
“Okay?” James says, it comes off as more of a question than they were hoping for. “I am okay, I just don’t know how.”
Regulus smiles softly, “I’m proud of you, you know.”
James rolls their eyes, “Yeah, yeah.”
Regulus leans forward, kissing their cheek, “We finished the trip now.”
Have they? They can’t really finish it the way they originally planned, isn’t that better? They’re really not sure. “Coast to coast,” they mumble. They don’t want to get into all of it. They just want to enjoy this right now. They want Regulus to enjoy it too. It’s as much of his journey that it is theirs.
They take a bit of time out there. James isn’t really sure how long, eventually they finish off the bag and don’t take another, instead choosing to trace lines in the sand. They don’t really make anything, but they like the feeling of it under their finger. It’s calming in a way, and the ocean lulls them. Their heart isn’t beating out of their throat anymore. They’re okay, really.
Without really thinking about it they reach for the bag. Regulus' eyes are lost on the tide, not in a bad way, he doesn’t seem stuck on it, he’s just looking. James grapples with the front pocket before grabbing an envelope and slipping it into their lap. Regulus' eyes are back on them in an instant, his eyes widening.
Without another word, James moves to hand it over to him.
“No,” Regulus shakes his head quickly.
“Reg…” James murmurs.
“No, no I don’t want it,” Regulus pushes it away.
“Baby—“
“No,” Regulus says a final time, trying to get up but James grabs his arm to keep him down, “We’re going back.”
“Re—“
“We’re going back,” Regulus repeats, “You’re not—“
“Can you just open it,” James cuts him off, “Please.”
Regulus sighs, keeping a grip on them while he moves to unfold the flap, it’s a little hard with one hand but he makes due. The last letter James wrote for Regulus… well… it wasn’t the nicest one. They can’t really remember what they said, they were out of it at that point. They remember telling him that they love him a lot, the rest is fuzzy. They don’t care to think about it. Regulus found it in their room after he moved himself in and ripped it up into little pieces. He didn’t read it. He didn’t have any need to, at least that’s what he told James.
Now Regulus takes out one of the papers, unfolding it, and constantly glances over to James every other second. When he finally starts reading it he sinks into the sand, and his grip lessens. “Oh,” breaks through his lips.
Back when James saw Marlene they handed them an envelope. Or they handed Regulus an envelope anyway. Marlene didn’t say what was in it, and wouldn’t, James never thought they’d get the chance to read it honestly. They thought the tide would take them before. Then a week after they came home Regulus handed it over. James just stared at it. So much had happened. They didn’t know what it said. When they finally managed to open it they cried. Big tears running down their cheeks, as they broke through with a smile. Regulus didn’t know what to do, he tried to take it away. James wouldn’t let him. Marlene has never really been good at affection. Hardly ever said “I love you,” and never out loud. It’s just how they are. James knows this. They knew it. One day Marlene decided to write down all those little thoughts. The moments they appreciated James, and the times they wanted to tell them they loved them but didn’t. They stuck it all in an envelope and said when they saw James they would give it to them. Of course, Marlene never thought they’d actually ever see each other, but they stayed true to their word.
A month after James got home they were having a bad time. They were working themself up into a panic attack and Regulus wasn’t around. They wanted to go into the ocean, or at the very least fill up their bathtub so they could hold themself under the tap. So they rushed to their desk grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down the reasons they were happy to be alive. It was hard. Pretty much impossible, but they got a few things down. They thought of Regulus. They wrote about him. When they were done and could breathe again they slipped it into an envelope, just like Marlene did. They kept doing that. Sometimes they weren’t even worked up, they just had something they wanted to tell him about. Something that made them happy. It all went in.
They never actually planned on giving it to him, but hey, this is really the best time for it.
Quickly Regulus takes out another, his eyes shining, and he starts crying on the third one. The tears run down his cheeks, and he hiccups after his eyes glance over every word. James has seen Regulus cry a lot over these last few months. Most of the time it’s about them. It always leads to them crying too, they can’t help it. This is no different. Their eyes sting, and there’s the familiar feeling of tears running down their cheeks, but they don’t push them away. They watch Regulus instead until he gets to the final note. It’s written on an old receipt. It’s what they had on hand at the time. It’s not the only envelope they have. They have dozens back home. Apparently, Regulus gives them many reasons to stay alive.
Regulus takes a breath before looking up, “Jamie…”
They reach forward, brushing the tears away from his hot cheeks, “I love you.”
Regulus shakes his head, “You couldn’t have just said that?”
James laughs wetly, “Every time I felt the ocean calling for me I wrote one of those.” They add, “You’re a very good reason to stay alive, you know.”
“Fuck you,” Regulus cries, breaking forward to lay his forehead on their chest. “I love you.”
James leans their cheek on his head, looking out into the sea another time. Sitting here now they know they’re not “happy,” at least not the happy they’ve been searching for. They’re happy to be with Regulus. They’re happy to love him and know that he loves him back. They’re happy to have their parents. They’re happy to have Sirius and Remus too. They’re happy for all of that, but they’re not “happy.” They don’t know when they’re gonna get there, but for the first time, maybe ever, they know they’re gonna get there. They’re going to be happy one of these days. They’re gonna get there, and they won’t even know it hit them. They’re gonna look out of their window and realize the ocean isn’t knocking on their door anymore. They’re not going to force it away anymore, not now. They wanna be happy, they’re ready, to step into a room and not beg for the ocean to be behind them to fall back on. They can’t feel it, not yet anyway, but they’re waiting. They’ll wait for as long as it takes. They’ll reach it one of these days. They’re so sure of it.
Regulus pulls back away, pulling their eyes away and they don’t fight it. He’s a much better view anyway, “You’re amazing.”
“I’m not even doing anything,” James leans down, resting their forehead on his.
“You’re alive,” Regulus says, “And I love you so much.”
James laughs, “You’re growing all soft on me.”
“Shut up,” Regulus grumbles, pulling away to stand, making sure every little paper is accounted for first, before placing it back in the bag for safekeeping. “You ready to go?”
James glances back at the sea a final time, watching as it ebbs and flows, trying to reach out its hand for them a final time. A few months ago James would’ve dropped everything to reach for it too. Scrambling over the sand, grappling for something unattainable. Now, they turn to Regulus’ outstretched hand instead, and it’s soft in the palm of their hand, “Yeah, I’m ready.”