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When he saw Mark this morning, flirting with Meredith of all people, he thought his day couldn’t get worse.
His only highlight of the day had been his short talk with Meredith even if the conversation topic had been rather heavy. He didn’t miss the look Mark shot him after finding him with her either. It hurt that he could still read him so well, he knew exactly what he was thinking. He was right too, Meredith was different, had been from the very first minute.
Now he was here. In an elevator. With Meredith. Usually that wouldn’t bother him at all, it would be another highlight of his day, if it weren’t for Addison and Mark standing right there with them. The tension was so thick you could have cut it with a scalpel. He would have taken the stairs as soon as he saw them both, but he wouldn’t and couldn’t leave Mere alone with them. So here he was. In the most uncomfortable elevator ride he could imagine.
When the lights started to flicker, he prayed to any god that would hear him to not make the situation any worse by getting them stuck. He didn’t get his wish though, the elevator stopped abruptly making them all loose their footing for a moment. He instinctively turned to his intern to catch her. That action wasn’t missed by anyone. The slight twitching of Meredith lips made it worth though. He still saw her standing before him asking about their last kiss. And wasn’t that a punch to the gut.
“That’s just perfect.” He heard his wife groan.
He had to agree. This was the worst possible constellation to be stuck in an elevator. Hopefully they could get out of this soon, preferable now.
He pushed the alarm button, after he was sure, that Meredith was ok. He kind of loved that they could still communicate that through glances alone. Then again, they had always been able to do that. Even in the beginning.
“Hello? Dr. Shepard here. We are stuck in Elevator 342 between the 3rd and 4th floor.”
“We noticed. Our systems say technical failure. Is everyone alright?”
“Yes, so far so good.” He had glanced at Addison and Mark to make sure they were standing and had no obvious injuries. That counted as alright in his books.
“You said we? Who else is stuck with you?”
“Dr. Grey, Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Sloan.” He closed his eyes, knowing that this would make rounds in the hospital faster than them getting out of the elevator. He could hear it in the way the technician took a sharp breath. Seems that the news of Mark arrival and his role in his marriage had already got around.
“That’s… um… unfortunate?” came the unsure question. He also could hear the suppressed laughter. And the groans of the two women in the elevator.
“How fast can we get out of here?” was his clipped reaction.
“We’re trying to get you out of there as soon as possible. It may take a while though; our people are on a training exercise right now. We already called them; they are on their way. Let’d hope they don’t hit traffic.”
So, they would be in here a while. Perfect. He was wrong. His day could get worse. He didn’t want to face the rest yet, so he leaned his head on the wall. Closed his eyes trying to calm down his feelings. He had to smile though because he could smell lavender. He wished he was stuck with her alone, so that they could finally talk without the other one being able to run away.
He knew it was his own fault. Because he chose Addison. To try and make his marriage work. His obligation. Just as much as he knew that it wouldn’t work out. His ‘friendship’ with Meredith had already showed him that Addison wasn’t the person anymore that he wanted to spend his life with. He missed his life as it was before she had shown up too much. He missed Meredith, the way they just clicked with each other, the dates they went on, the silly little jokes they had. He even missed her snores and the breakfast with her roommates.
He hadn’t even noticed that he had started working intern hours again since he got to spent them with Meredith. It was Richard who pointed that one out. He had asked him why he looked more tired now, that he was finally working attendings hours instead of racking up overtime. As if doctors had that luxury. After last week, after he asked for the wrong she, Richard got it though. Even if he didn’t approve. Something didn’t sit right with that, but he was to occupied with his daily drama.
“Well, it could be worse. There could be a patient in urgent need of an open-heart surgery.”
He had to chuckle at Meredith attempt to lighten the mood as he turned to her.
“I don’t know who would yell louder. Richard, Preston or Miranda for getting on of hers involved. Again.” He played along.
“That would hardly be your fault.”
“It’s always my fault. Haven’t you noticed yet?” he tried to joke along. It was the wrong thing to say. He saw it in her eyes, when hurt flashed through them. Yes, that was his fault and she certainly had noticed that. But still she tried to soldier through. He knew she hated awkward silences. He wondered how long it would take before she started to ramble. Another thing he missed.
“You saved her husband with a bomb next door and Richards optical nerve. I think they would cut you some slack. Preston on the other hand…” she teased him back.
“You’re lucky she was giving birth or you would have gotten an earful!”
“I still got it. Just a few days later when I came back to work. It wasn’t pretty.”
He couldn’t help it; he had missed their banter. He just smiled at her. And he knew it was their look, as she had coined it. The McDreamy look. He desperately hoped that none of his sisters ever hears of that nickname. Addison wouldn’t dare. She had given him that signature look of hers, with the raised eyebrow when she had heard about it though. It had taken a whole 24 hours before she heard though, which is impressive if you knew how gossip works in this hospital.
“I’m sorry? Open heart surgery in an elevator? A bomb? What are you talking about?” came the incredulous question from his former best friend breaking up the intense eye contact.
“Never gets boring around here.” Meredith shrugged. As if holding a bomb was an everyday occurrence. It was not. He could still remember his heart actually stopping when Christina told him that the girl with the bomb was her. Never mind what flashed through his mind when the bomb went off. He was pretty sure he had stopped breathing, forgetting about his patient and the operation. He only got his head in the game when Christina stopped by and told him she was alive before running out again. He didn’t need to see the looks on the nurses faces when he finally finished the operation. They knew. They had seen his hand shaking. Interesting enough that never made it in the gossip mill.
“A bomb? Seriously?” That hadn’t taken long. Everyone who worked here seemed to love that word. He even caught himself using it.
“Yes, seriously. Held it in my own hand and everything.” He closed his eyes. He didn’t need the reminder. He saw it in his dreams every night.
Sitting down in the floor since they weren’t getting out anytime soon, he tried to forget the situation he was in. Addison was already sitting down looking defeated. He looked at her and knew in that moment that something had changed between them once again. Maybe she’d finally seen what she had tried so hard to ignore before. He knew what it was, he had even told her.
He had fallen in love with that tiny woman who took her place next to him, still trying to fill in Mark what had happened last week. He could understand why she had to do it more than once. He wouldn’t have believed it either, if he hadn’t been there. He didn’t listen to her words just watched her as she talked to the traitor. She actually looked better, not as broken as she had been after Addison had arrived. He was scared that it meant she was getting over him, moving on. He had told her the truth when he told her it was surprisingly painful when he found out that she was dating again.
Suddenly his phone was ringing. His private phone. Just what he needed. But he was a doctor so he answered. What he didn’t expect to hear was Christinas voice.
“Shepard. Give me Mere.” He could hear some rustling on the other side before a forced please was added.
“How did you get this number?”
“Not important right now. I need to speak to Mere.” Came the short answer.
Giving up on getting some answers right now he just went with it. He gave his phone to Meredith. If he had learned anything about that particular group of interns, that it was impossible to get between them. He actually was kind of impressed how protective they had been of Meredith after their break up. Even Miranda. Impressed and relieved.
“Christina? Yes. Yes seriously. I don’t even know.” He could guess that part of the conversation. So it had reached the interns, which meant it was known all over the hospital by now. Great. He was back to uncomfortable surgeries because everyone was staring. Again. They had just stopped doing that.
“What? How many times? Did they tell you what’s going on? Of course, they didn’t. Yes, I know about patient privilege thank you very much. Crap. I’ll call them.” She finished the call. He knew what would happen next so he waved his hand at her.
“Roseridge?”
She nodded already dialing.
“This is Meredith Grey. … Yes. What happened? … Is she hurt? … Sorry I can’t. … No, I quite literally can’t. … Because I’m stuck in an elevator for god knows how long. … Does it have to be me? … The person I’m thinking of is the chief of surgery, so yes he… ok, yes. I call him.” This time she didn’t even look at him before navigating his phone to Richards number. Not like he would have stopped her.
“Chief. … No, I’m not Shepard. Either of them. … There seemed to be an emergency at the home. They need someone there. … Would you … Yes. Call me after. … Yes, if necessary, on Dereks phone. Or can you get out of here now? … Didn’t think so.”
He got his phone back with a small smile, that he couldn’t help but return. He still silently wondered what was going on there. He knew that Meredith and the chief had a personal relationship. He never heard her speaking like that to him though. Something to ask later about.
“Is she ok?”
She just shrugged, and he let it go. He knew how uncomfortable she was when it came to her mother. He saw Mark raising his brow. He didn’t know why but wasn’t interested either. He was surely to find out any minute now.
“What just happened? Did an intern just use an attendings phone to call the chief? For a favor? I don’t remember that from my intern days.”
“Shut up Mark.” He knew he wouldn’t do that. He never did.
“No seriously what’s going on in this hospital? Bombs? Interns demanding favors from the chief of surgery? What else am I missing?”
A lot. This hospital wasn’t anything like any other he had worked at. Everyone knew everyone’s business. Even the coffee cart people knew everything or maybe more than anyone else, since no one ever bothered to lower their voices while discussing private business. Hell, he discussed his relationship with Meredith more than once on the bridge while it was filled with people. He fondly remembered her flexible comment. She had looked so cute he had to stop himself from kissing her right there.
The gossip mill was faster than anything he had ever known. The interns were scarily talented, and their resident ran a tight ship. Or maybe it was just that one group of interns. He knew there were more surgical interns in this hospital, but he always favored Baileys. And he wasn’t the only one. It was becoming an issue too. He had started to plan his surgeries for when he knew that Baileys interns were on shift, just like Preston. Since Addison started to work his hours, her surgeries also fell in that time frame. Oh well that’s what the residents where for. Only the best got the attendings.
It didn’t feel like a work environment most days. More like a huge intensely messed up family that saved life in their spare time. He wasn’t sure if he could ever work anywhere else and not compare and find it lacking.
Meredith didn’t know any better. She had practically been raised in a hospital. But he saw similar thoughts going through Addison’s mind. Maybe not the never wanting to work anywhere else part but rest for sure. They talked about that one evening. She didn’t like it. He kind of enjoyed it. It fit him better than the private practice ever did.
He knew that Addison was just biding her time, hoping to move back to New York sooner than later. He had no such intention, however. He loved his land and still wanted to build a house there. Just not with her. With every walk he did with Meredith and Doc he could picture his future clearer and clearer, and there was no Addison in it. At least not at his side. The more he thought about it the worse he felt. He knew he didn’t choose right. He knew it as soon as he told Meredith that he was staying with Addison.
Sometimes he wondered what his father would say to him, if he could see him now. Would he tell him to fight for the marriage or would he tell him to finally man up and end it, so that he could be with the one who made him feel alive again?
“Well?”
He was pulled out of his thoughts by Marks question. What would his father tell him about that? He had loved Mark like his own son. Family was the most important thing for him. He stopped that thought before he went down that rabbit hole he had been avoiding so successfully until now.
“What does it even matter? What are you doing here? Why did you come here?”
He hadn’t wanted to ask those questions. They had been on his mind the entire day because it was slightly out of character for him to show up here so suddenly. He was afraid of the answers too, he just knew it would make everything worse.
He watched Mark open his mouth, glancing at Addison with a slight frown but he didn’t answer. At least not right away. He was thinking about what he was going to say and that alarmed him more than anything else. Mark was a doer not a thinker. Something was going on. He didn’t expect his next words though.
“You haven’t told him, have you?”
He saw Addison take a deep shuddering breath. It was clear that she knew exactly what Mark was talking about. He closed his eyes taking a deep breath himself. He had noticed her silence. She hadn’t said anything since they have been stuck in here. That was unlike her, she always had something to say. He had also noticed her protective stance. She hadn’t moved out of her corner where she sat as far apart from everyone as she could.
“Yes, Addison? What haven’t you told me?”
He felt strangely calm. He knew it wouldn’t stay that way but right now he knew that whatever it was he could take it. That was thanks to the woman next to him, who was suddenly closer than before. She knew that he would need her. She didn’t touch him, but she was close enough, that he could feel her presence next to him. He never took his eyes of Addison though. She was still breathing deeply with her eyes closed. She clearly didn’t want to talk about it.
He turned his head to Mark. He was surprised to see the real pain and disappointment in his eyes. He had known Mark far longer than Addison (maybe that’s why his betrayal hurt deeper than Addison’s did) and if he counted the moments when he had seen such emotions in his eyes, he would still have fingers left on his hand. Something happened, more than that moment he had stepped in.
After another deep breath Addison finally opened her mouth. Her voice was void of any emotions.
“We lived together for three months after you left. We were in a relationship.”
It hurt. He didn’t know what to feel. They sat in silence for a long while.
“Tell him the rest.”
Of course, there was more. There always is.
“I got pregnant. Then I wasn’t anymore and came to Seattle.”
He dropped his head to his knees and concentrated on breathing. He always wanted kids. Everyone in that damn elevator knew it. He had stopped asking Addison after the first few years of their marriage because it was clear, that she didn’t want them as much as he did. They still had sex of course but that was purely for pleasure. She never dropped her guard with him, he knew she took measures. He was a doctor after all. But she had with Mark.
He felt Meredith brushing against his leg, just to make sure he was ok and not breaking down. If they were in a closet like they were for her break down about her mother, he might have. He could feel it. But not in front of them. He just couldn’t.
Somewhere in that chaos of his mind he took notice, that Mark still had come after her. Even though she aborted their baby. He still came and wanted to take her back. That meant something.
“I’m sorry.” Came after another lengthy silence.
It didn’t matter anymore. At least it was finished now. He didn’t have to work so hard anymore, every day even, to stay with her. To make this sham of a marriage work.
Suddenly the lights went on again and the elevator started moving. He didn’t move a muscle. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to stop yelling if he did.
He didn’t want to know what kind of picture they made when the doors finally opened. All of them sitting on the floor not moving with an icy atmosphere. His ‘dirty mistress’ sitting right next to him while his wife and her lover sat far apart unmoving across from them. That would get the gossip mill running even more, he just didn’t care anymore.
“Well that went faster, than we expected!” came the cheerful voice of the technician.
He saw the interns loitering near the nurses station ready to move and save Meredith. Kind of ironic that he needed saving right now.
Finally, Mark got up and turned to leave. He stopped for a moment turned back to them. He wanted to say something, and he even knew what it would be. So held up a hand to stop him.
“Not now. Later, maybe never, but not now.” His voice sounded harsh even in his own ears.
Mark nodded and looked at Addison.
“You know where to find me.” With that he finally left.
She just closed her eyes for a moment before getting her bearings and getting up and leaving too.
“I’ll call the lawyers tomorrow.”
She stopped for a moment before nodding.
Finally able to take a breath without feeling like he was going to explode he turned to Meredith. He saw the last dregs of a wordless conversation between her and her friends. They were closer than that though. Family seemed more apt.
“I really need a friend right now.”
He saw the compassion in her eyes. He didn’t know how she managed to become such a caring person with her upbringing (what little he knew of it), but he was thankful right now. Because he knew she wouldn’t leave him alone right now.
“Want to go and get yelled at by my mother?”
“Can I yell back?”
Giggling she dragged him up pulling him with her, as she went the intern lounge to change. He never let go of her hand.
He would be alright. Maybe not now or next week. But he would be. If he had Meredith at his side, he could do it. He was never going to let her go again. Not if he could help it.