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For almost half a year now, Mo Xi had been trying his hardest to be a good and honest roommate for Gu Mang.
He did his best with his part of the cleaning, brought back groceries, and kept to himself at night when the two of them needed their own 'me' time. And for the most part, Mo Xi was doing well.
This kind of daily life seemed to make Gu Mang happy, and that in turn made Mo Xi happy too.
Except it was one morning in particular that Mo Xi woke up to find a few strange happenings.
The first being that Gu Mang had risen earlier than he had.
The second being that not only was Gu Mang up early, but he was also bustling around their apartment, picking up discarded blankets from the floor and placing books back into their shelves.
The third being that Gu Mang, in the midst of all this, looked exceptionally cheery as he was cleaning.
Ok. Definitely weird. Gu Mang hated early mornings, and hated doing any work in the mornings even more.
Mo Xi blinked several times to reassure himself that this wasn't his mind playing tricks on him before his morning coffee.
Gu Mang noticed him standing in the hall and gave him a little wave. "Morning, princess! Rise and shine!"
"...uh huh," was the only response Mo Xi offered in return.
He absentmindedly walked over to their shoddy coffee maker and grabbed a mug.
Gu Mang simply grinned at him and moved to place Mo Xi's abandoned paperback novels onto the nearest shelf.
Mo Xi couldn't resist his curiousity anymore. "So, what's the occasion?" He finally asked.
Gu Mang blinked at him, still smiling brightly. "Hm?"
"Did something happen?"
His roommate cocked his head like a confused puppy. An old habit that never left him. "What do you mean?"
You know exactly what I mean, Mo Xi thought. But he let a different set of words leave his mouth. "It's just that you seem to have more energy this morning."
Gu Mang managed to somehow smile even brighter than before. "Oh, right! I forgot to tell you. I'm having someone over tonight."
"Tonight?" Mo Xi echoed. Of course, it wasn't his business to police Gu Mang, but he wished he could've gotten less of a short notice.
Something twinged within him. Mo Xi wasn't sure what, but it compelled him to let a single word fall from his mouth: "Who?"
"Lu Zhanxing. He's back in town."
Lu Zhanxing.
Mo Xi's stomach gave an awful lurch.
He remembered Lu Zhanxing. Or at least, about Gu Mang's relations with him. He'd known that they'd grown up together and that they were close friends for longer than Mo Xi had known Gu Mang (that fact made him uneasy for some reason).
But the two had fallen out and harshly cut ties with each other a few years back. They hadn't talked since.
And as selfish as it was, Mo Xi had silently hopped they'd never see him again.
And of course, he could've never been that lucky.
Gu Mang must've sensed the sudden change in Mo Xi's air. His smile faltered. "A-Xi, are you–?"
"No." Mo Xi blurted out. He backpedaled his mind a bit. "I mean, no, it's fine. I'm happy for you. It's just–" He hesitated. "Last time you two talked, didn't you...?"
He let the question finish itself.
"I know, I know." Gu Mang said. "But he messaged me the other night, saying that he's going to be back, and... Well, we talked a bit and I think we're both ready to forgive and forget."
Unsurprisingly, this did little to ease the feeling within Mo Xi.
And of course, this didn't fall short of Gu Mang's radar.
"Listen, I know you two never really got along." He said as he carefully approached his roommate. "But that was years ago. We're all mature adults now, aren't we?"
When Mo Xi didn't answer, Gu Mang placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Hey, if you're not ready for this, we can reschedule for another night..."
As tempting as it was to agree to that, Mo Xi knew how much this meant to his roommate. Not to mention he'd still have to meet ends with this eventually.
He sighed. "No, it's ok. Tonight is fine."
Gu Mang beamed. "Knew you'd come around." He squeezed Mo Xi's shoulder lightly before stepping away, leaving what felt like a burning imprint where his hand was.
"He'll be here to visit at around six, so be prepared." Gu Mang said, working his way down the hall. He paused at his bedroom door. "Oh and... Don't forget to put on pants by then, yeah?" He winked before ducking into his bedroom.
Mo Xi felt his face grow warm at the reminder that he was still walking around in just his boxers.
He sighed in exasperation and frustration before turning back to his coffee.
Things were tense as soon as Lu Zhanxing had walked through their door.
Mo Xi had been sitting on their couch, pretending to scroll through his WeChat messages as he spared a glance at Gu Mang and Lu Zhanxing.
Lu Zhanxing hadn't changed much since he'd last seen him, Mo Xi observed. He was still quite unimpressive-looking.
"...Zhanxing, you remember Mo Xi, right?" Gu Mang was saying. "Like I said, he's my roommate now."
"Hi." Lu Zhanxing said to Mo Xi. A clearly forced smile was plastered on his face as he reached out his hand. "Good to see you again."
"Mn." Mo Xi stood and shook his hand, keeping his expression neutral. "You too."
Gu Mang ignored the tension, instead cutting through it with his bright optimism. "Come on, have a seat! I would've brought out snacks, but we didn't have time to run out for any today..."
The two fell into easy conversation, with Mo Xi sulking silently at the side.
"You've got a very nice apartment." Lu Zhanxing observed, eyes wandering. "Seems you're doing well."
"Surprised?" Mo Xi asked stiffly.
Lu Zhanxing turned to him before breaking into a smile. "Not at all. Just happy to see Mang'er living out the best of his life."
Mo Xi suddenly stood up. "I'm going out."
"Oh." Gu Mang looked at him in surprise. "What for?"
"I... just remembered I forgot to grab something at the supermarket." Mo Xi said, quickly grabbing his coat. "I'll be back later."
Gu Mang smiled at him. "Oh, A-Xi, you're so forgetful sometimes! I keep telling you, how are you going to ever have room for anything else with all that worry in your head?"
Not even hearing the teasing way Gu Mang said his name lifted his spirits.
As he shut the door behind him, he paused for a moment, unsure of whether or not he'd made an impulsive mistake. But he couldn't return back inside now. What could he say? How would he explain himself.
As he heard a familiar peal of laughter echo from within, he felt his throat constrict.
He walked away as quickly as he could.
"So, ah, explain to me what you're doing here so late?" Jiang Yexue asked him as Mo Xi walked through his door.
"Had to get out of the apartment." Mo Xi explained shortly. "I needed someplace to go."
"Is it Gu Mang?" Jiang Yexue raised an eyebrow. "Did you two have a quarrel or something?"
"No, no, not that. It's..." Mo Xi trailed off. "Jiang-xiong, did you know that Lu Zhanxing is back?"
Jiang Yexue's eyebrows rose up. "...Lu Zhanxing?"
Grabbing his cane, Jiang Yexue made his way over to his sofa, settling himself down on the far end of it. "Sit down. Explain."
So Mo Xi begrudgingly took a seat and began to explain what had happened that day.
Jiang Yexue nodded as he spoke, giving Mo Xi an off look every so often. One that Mo Xi himself couldn't decipher.
"So what you're telling me is," Jiang Yexue finally spoke after Mo Xi's long and convulted version of his tale, "your best friend-turned-roommate's friend who he grew up with is back and now you're bitter about it."
"It's not just that!" Mo Xi exclaimed. "It's just– you don't know what happened when he left the first time. I just don't trust that guy."
"Ok, calm down." Jiang Yexue put a hand up to stop him before he could get started again. "First of all, like Gu Mang said: that was years ago, wasn't it? You can't keep holding a grudge like that."
Mo Xi snorted.
"And second..." Jiang Yexue hesitated for a moment. "Well, the way you describe this whole makes you sound... Kind of..."
"What?" Mo Xi said sharply, straightening himself. "Makes me sound kind of what?"
"Jealous." The word fell out of his friend's mouth quietly, but it hit Mo Xi with the full force of a semi truck.
"What."
"Now, don't get mad," Jiang Yexue said quickly. "But it's not like this is the first way you've acted this way, either."
"Acted like what?" Mo Xi was still dumbfounded.
"Well..." Jiang Yexue shrugged. "Possessive?"
Possessive.
The word echoed in his head like a taunt.
Possessive? He knew didn't own Gu Mang. Mo Xi understood boundaries. They were each their own person in their shared space. What did it matter to him if Gu Mang started spending his time with someone else?
Of course, the very thought of that made Mo Xi's stomach lurch again.
It frustrated him, the thought of Gu Mang's interest pinned on...
He stopped himself right there, unwilling to bring himself into that thought at that moment.
"Nope." Mo Xi got to his feet so abruptly that he bumped his knee harshly into the coffee table. He barely so much winced. "No, that's not what's going on."
Jiang Yexue frowned. "Mo Xi, if you keep ignoring it like this, you'll just end up–"
"I think Gu Mang and Lu Zhanxing must be done by now." Mo Xi said, nearly tripping himself on his way back to the door. "Goodbye."
"Ok... bye, but–"
The door slammed shut before Jiang Yexue could say anything else.
Their apartment had been quiet when Mo Xi returned.
Lu Zhanxing had clearly already left and the only light left on was the one above the kitchen stove.
As Mo Xi passed Gu Mang's room on his way to his own, he hesitantly pressed his ear against the door. Inside, he could hear Gu Mang softly snoring.
Sighing, he stepped away and went on to sleep.
The next morning, Mo Xi walked back into their kitchen to find Gu Mang frying youtiao at the stove.
"Morning." Gu Mang grinned at him. "Oh, right– Your coffee's ready and waiting for you." He nodded towards their coffee maker, a steaming mug sitting under it.
Mo Xi muttered his thanks, but felt suspicion rise in him as he reached to grab it. While it may seem as if Gu Mang had done this as a kind gesture, Mo Xi had lived long enough with him to know that he'd done this to wake him up enough for a 'talk.'
And as Mo Xi sat down, as if on cue, Gu Mang shut off the stovetop and turned to ask: "Can we talk?"
Mo Xi could never deny Gu Mang anything, so he nodded. "Sure. What is it?"
Gu Mang whistled out a deep breath. "Is everything ok? Like, after last night?"
Mo Xi gulped. He took a sip of his coffee first before returning Gu Mang's own typical response back at him. "What do you mean?"
His roommate crossed his arms, leaning back against the counter. "You were acting so stiffly last night. And then you just got up and left all of a sudden... Not to mention you didn't bring back any of the groceries you said you were going out for."
Mo Xi realized he'd forgotten to seal the ends of last night's excuse. "..."
"Where did you really go, last night?" He sounded slightly hurt. Mo Xi's gut twisted with guilt. "Actually, nevermind. Don't answer that. But tell me what's going on."
"I..." Mo Xi didn't know what to say. So that's what he told him. "I don't know." I'm sorry.
Gu Mang deflated a little. "Listen, if it's just Lu Zhanxing being around, I can always just go out to meet with him instead."
Mo Xi wasn't sure if that would make the feeling in his chest worse or better. But Gu Mang was trying for him. He had to try too.
"Ok." He agreed quietly.
"Ok?" Gu Mang tilted his head to try and get a better look at his expression. "Really?"
Mo Xi swallowed down any remaining bitterness in his throat, forcing a tone of sureness into his voice. "Yeah, ok."
Mo Xi tried to practice 'out of sight, out of mind.'
It should've been easy, considering how honestly he focused on each and every task he was handed.
But it turned out to give him quite a bit of trouble, considering Gu Mang already occupied a great portion of his thinking space all the time.
(Not that he would ever admit that to anyone in a million years.)
For some reason, if anything, not knowing what Gu Mang and Lu Zhanxing were up to only worsened the strange feeling in his chest.
Mo Xi tried to keep himself busy whenever Gu Mang was out.
He flipped through forgotten books on their shelves, scrolled mindlessly through the little social media he used, and did an excessive amount of pacing.
It was about a few days into this behavior that a visitor came knocking at their door. When Mo Xi ignored it, the knocking grew louder and irritatingly obnoxious. He sighed and stopped what he was doing to answer the door.
Murong Lian stood nonchalantly at their doorstep, wearing a bored look. "Took you long enough."
Mo Xi blinked incredulously. "What are you–?"
"Did I leave my coat here last time?" Murong Lian pushed past him through the door way and kicked off his shoes.
Sure, just waltz on in, why don't you. Mo Xi grumbled inside his mind. But he didn't voice his thoughts.
Murong Lian, after all, did house him and Gu Mang for quite some time before they'd gotten the apartment. He supposed that he, with some bitterness, did owe Murong Lian some decency because of that.
"I don't know. Look for yourself." He replied instead.
Murong Lian stopped in the middle of the living room, crossing his arms as his eyes wandered the apartment.
"This place seems cleaner than the last time I stopped by." He commented. His gaze finally fell on the broom Mo Xi held in his hands. He raised an eyebrow.
"Just..." Mo Xi trailed off before clearing his throat. "Doing some spring cleaning. Doesn't hurt to get it done once in a while."
Murong Lian huffed in amusement, turning to lift up the couch cushions, checking under and behind each one. His gesture gave one simple message: Yeah, right.
"Yeesh. Clean your couch every once in while too, will you?" Murong Lian wrinkled his nose as he discovered an old sock lying under a cushion. "That's something you can do while waiting for your Mang'er."
Mo Xi scowled. He didn't dignify that with a response.
"Oh, right." Murong Lian continued, making his way to the hall closet. "Yeah, I heard about your little spat with... Oh, what was his name again.... Lu Zhanxing?"
Mo Xi didn't say anything. "..."
"Am I right on the money?"
"It's hardly a spat."
Murong Lian gave him a skeptical look as he opened the closet door. "Right." He said unconvincingly. "But it's still about our Mang'er, isn't it?"
Mo Xi couldn't restrain a scoff of indignation. "Don't say it like that."
"Oh? But I'm right, aren't I?" Murong Lian paused for a moment, returning his attention back to searching the closet. He let out a little 'ah' sound as he reached for something.
He pulled out his well-priced coat, shaking it to show off to Mo Xi. "Found it."
"Good." Mo Xi said shortly. "Now, please leave."
"Oh, but are you sure you don't want a little extra company?" Murong Lian had that goddamn smirk on his face. The one he wore whenever he was clearly messing with Mo Xi. "You may not find as much fun with me as you do with your Gu Mang, but–"
Mo Xi thew a book at him. "Get the hell out."
So Murong Lian got the hell out.
As soon as Mo Xi grabbed his morning coffee and sat down, he knew something was wrong.
And it had to do with the fact that his roommate had yet to leave his room yet.
Of course, Gu Mang was never an early riser, but he routinely got up just around the same time as Mo Xi did, even if by a few minutes later.
Mo Xi told himself not to worry himself. There was no need to overreact over such a trivial thing.
But another thirty minutes passed, and Mo Xi didn't hear so much of a peep from Gu Mang's room.
Starting a fret a little, he walked up to the door and knocked. "Gu Mang?" He called softly.
He listened carefully for a response. He heard shuffling and small noise of discomfort, but no other sound.
Alarmed, Mo Xi reached for the doorknob and entered the room.
It was relatively dark in there. The blindfolds were down, so very minimal sunlight peeked through the gaps.
Gu Mang was lying still on the bed, buried beneath the duvet. As Mo Xi opened the door, he pulled it tighter over his head.
Mo Xi sighed and walked across the room. "You idiot." He muttered, kneeling closer to him. "Why didn't you say something?"
Gu Mang laughed weakly. "Don't be silly... A-Xi... Your gege is...." He trailed off before the word fine.
Mo Xi pressed the back of his hand to Gu Mang's exposed forehead. It was alarmingly warm. And sweaty.
Mo Xi sighed again. "Stay here." He instructed softly. He reached out and brushed any loose strands of hair out of Gu Mang's face before standing up. "I'll bring you some tea."
Gu Mang's brow furrowed. "I have a shift–" He begun to say as he tried to prop himself up.
"Then I'll call in for you." Mo Xi replied. He gave him a pointed yet concerned glare. "You're not getting up until you've rested today."
Gu Mang sighed and flopped wearily in defeat as Mo Xi left the room. His eyes drooped as he fell into a light slumber.
He awoke when Mo Xi returned, hearing him as he'd lightly pushed open the door with a foot.
He carried a mug with both his hands. A spoon also sat within the contents of it.
"Can you sit up?" Mo Xi asked his roommate as he handed him his tea. "Careful, it's hot."
"Oh, really?" Gu Mang teased. His voice was slightly croaked. He slowly rose up into a sitting position. "And yes, don't worry. I'm not helpless, A-Xi!"
Mo Xi scoffed as he let go of the mug. "Maybe not." Was all he said. But...
He watched as Gu Mang brought the mug to his lips to take a sip.
Mo Xi knew how his friend liked his tea. Sweeter than it was bitter. He'd hoped he'd done it right.
From the looks of it, he had.
Gu Mang broke into a smile. "You remembered." He said, looking up at Mo Xi. "Thanks."
Of course I remembered, Mo Xi thought. You're all I can ever think about.
But the words that came out of his mouth were: "Of course."
He stayed with him until Gu Mang finished his tea.
"Rest now." Mo Xi told him. "I'll bring some food for you later if you're hungry, ok?"
"Mn." Gu Mang was already lying down to settle back into sleep. He closed his eyes.
Mo Xi resisted the urge to press a kiss to his head before leaving.
A few hours later, after some trial and error, Mo Xi returned with a bowl of baizhou.
"It's not the best." He confessed to Gu Mang as gave him the bowl. "I'm... Not very good at cooking."
Gu Mang still beamed honestly at him. "A-Xi, if it's from you, I'll always love it."
Mo Xi stared at him before averting his gaze. He heard a quiet laugh.
"Oh, am I embarrassing you? A-Xi..."
Mo Xi huffed, turning his head to glare at the wall.
Gu Mang laughed again. "Alright, alright. I'll stop teasing you." He sighed. "Thanks. Again."
"Mn." Mo Xi nodded and slowly got up. "If you need anything else, just call for me, alright?"
He left the door open a crack as he reentered the hall.
As he lay awake that night, Mo Xi had left his own door open, listening for anything from the room next door. He wasn't usually a paranoid person, but when it came to his roommate... He had quite the soft spot for worrying about him.
It was only long after Mo Xi was sure Gu Mang had fallen asleep that he was able to get any shut-eye.
Unfortunately, the day prior had only been a heavy warning on the severity of Gu Mang's fever.
Mo Xi woke up the next morning to an alarmingly pained sound through the thin wall, and jumped out of bed to check on his roommate.
He nearly tripped over himself in the hall, bracing himself on the door frame. "Gu Mang?" No reply.
He rushed to kneel next to the bed. He shook his roommates shoulder. "Gu Mang..."
Gu Mang opened his eyes a crack, but remained curled up, remaining awfully silent.
Increasingly worried, Mo Xi instinctively pressed a hand to his forehead. It was warmer than yesterday.
In response to this gesture, Gu Mang made a small noise and leaned into it, probably seeking any relief from the usual ice cold temperature of Mo Xi's hand.
"How are you feeling?" Fell out of Mo Xi's mouth. Stupid question, he thought, mentally slapping himself. As if it wasn't obvious enough. "Can you eat anything?"
Gu Mang screwed his eyes shut. "I don't know." He mumbled. "Everything's..." He took a long pause. "Spinning."
Mo Xi swallowed the lump in his throat. "Ok. Alright. I'll just bring you something to drink then." He got up slowly. "Don't force yourself."
He quickly dashed to the kitchen to boil water. He wasn't sure what would or wouldn't make Gu Mang feel sicker, so he returned shortly with hot water.
Gu Mang didn't react when he walked in, so Mo Xi left the mug sitting on the wooden bedside table. He resumed kneeling beside Gu Mang, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the mattress.
Gu Mang saw him and smiled. "Mo Xi." He said.
"Yeah. I'm right here." Mo Xi told him. He almost reached up to stroke a hand through his hair, but stopped himself upon remembering his self-restraint. "Need anything?"
Gu Mang didn't answer for a moment. "You didn't eat." It was a statement, an observation, and not a question. Clearly, his roommate knew him a little too well.
Mo Xi felt like something stuck in his throat. "How can you think about that when you yourself are like this?" He managed to throw out.
Gu Mang smiled again. "A-Xi, I'm your gege... who else will take care of you?"
When Mo Xi tried to speak, his voice didn't come out right.
He brushed his fingers lightly against Gu Mang's.
"Just... Let me be the one to take care of you, for once." He raised Gu Mang's hand in his, barely pressing a timid kiss upon his second knuckle. Mo Xi silently prayed that he would be too feverish now to remember this tomorrow.
Gu Mang settled back into the covers, his eyelids drooping. "What would you ever do without me?" He muttered lastly before falling into a light sleep.
Mo Xi let out a small huff of amusement. "I know." He whispered.
He sat by Gu Mang's side, refusing to leave. But it was shortly afterwards that he was interrupted by a sharp knock on the door.
As much as what felt like every fiber in his body protested, Mo Xi got up to answer it.
He sighed as he unlocked the door, sure that it must've been Murong Lian. "Look, if there's anything else you've found you've left here, just–" He locked eyes with the visitor and cut himself off.
Lu Zhanxing, standing there, looking mildly perplexed and only slightly irritated in a gray jacket. He had his arms crossed and raised an eyebrow at Mo Xi's premature greeting.
"Uh..."
Lu Zhanxing blinked tiredly before saying, "I'm here to ask about Gu Mang. I haven't heard from him. Where is he?"
Mo Xi recollected his senses. "Resting." He said shortly. "He's running a high fever."
You didn't know? He didn't tell you?
Lu Zhanxing's eyebrows shot up, his expression changing instantaneously. "Fever?" He echoed. "Is he ok? I was just telling him, he should never..." He shook himself. "Can I see him?"
Mo Xi felt a twinge of... Something. He didn't like it. "He's fine." He told him. "Better not disturb him, though. Like I said, he's resting right now."
Lu Zhanxing looked slightly unconvinced. He suppressed a snort. "Right then." He said. "I supposed I'll... Come back later then."
Mo Xi nodded stiffly. "Yeah."
He shut the door before he would let any of his thoughts slide out.
Gu Mang's eyes were open when Mo Xi returned to his side.
"Awake?" He asked. "Headache gone down?"
Gu Mang sighed. "A bit."
Mo Xi nodded. "Can you get up?"
Having grown up from a young age together, the two were far from uncomfortable in most cases. So Mo Xi helped bathe Gu Mang with little afterthought.
"Lean back." Mo Xi instructed, cradling Gu Mang's head between his hands to lower it into the water.
As he gently washed out his roommate's hair, he realized how much this meant to him. This sort of trust and this sort of closeness between them.
He liked being here for Gu Mang. He liked that Gu Mang had this trust in him.
I like taking care of you, Mo Xi thought, back to leaning against the side of Gu Mang's bed. He listened to Gu Mang's soft, steady breathing in the darkness. I want to be here for you, always.
He stayed like that all night, unable to will himself to leave.
Would you let me do that? For you?
Gu Mang seemed to be, for the most part, all better the next morning.
To put it simply, he was feeling well enough to hop out of bed on his own; and on top of that, to scold Mo Xi for forgetting to feed himself the day before.
"This is why you need me." Gu Mang chided, reaching for the egg carton in their near-empty fridge.
It was true, Mo Xi thought, watching him from over the kitchen counter. He did need him. He really did.
That was the problem.
"Thank you all for meeting me here."
There was a loud silence after Mo Xi spoke.
"This is my house." Murong Lian stated flatly.
"Do I need to be here?" Murong Chuyi asked. Jiang Yexue shushed him.
"What's the deal?" Murong Lian crossed his arms, leaning back on his expensive couch. "Wait, wait. Hold on. Lemme guess. Is it–"
"Yes. Yes! Ok, it's Gu Mang." Mo Xi blurted out, frustrated. "You got me, alright?"
Murong Lian nearly looked surprised, apparently not having expected such an outburst in confession.
"Mo Xi, we all know you've been a little... stressed about your roommate situation, as of late." Jiang Yexue said calmly.
"...I don't." Murong Chuyi muttered.
"Talk to us. We can support you." Yexue continued. At this, Mo Xi and Murong Lian snorted simultaneously.
It wasn't as if Mo Xi had much options left anymore, though.
"It's... confusing." He started. "I feel like I have most things figured out, but when it comes to him, everything in my mind just feels so complicated. And I don't know what to do about it."
Murong Lian and Jiang Yexue exchanged a glance. Murong Chuyi reached for a bag of dried peas.
"I just..." Mo Xi leaned forward. "He's a lot to me."
"Like, he means a lot to you?" Jiang Yexue tried.
"No! Well... yes." Mo Xi admitted. "But... there's just a lot more than that."
Murong Lian whistled. "There is a lot to unpack there."
"Do I still need to be here?" Murong Chuyi asked helplessly. Everyone ignored him.
"It sounds like you need to situate your emotions in order." Jiang Yexue commented.
"That's the problem." Mo Xi slammed a fist against the coffee table. "How the fuck am I supposed to do that?"
"If you break my coffee table again, you pay for it." Murong Lian said offhandedly.
Jiang Yexue cleared his throat. "Well, let's start with the things you feel... Like, overall good?"
"Of course, good!" It was ridiculous to think otherwise.
"Ok, ok... Well, that's a decent start." Jiang Yexue said. "Anything more than that?"
Mo Xi forced himself to swallow his pride. "I feel... I don't know, safe? Around him? Like if there's anyone who I'd ever choose for something important to me, it's him. And I guess I get this weird, light kind of feeling when he's around. And without him, I don't..." He stopped. "I just don't feel right."
There was another dead silence. Apparently what he had just said had been intriguing enough to even pull Murong Chuyi from his snack.
Murong Lian was the first to break the silence. "You want him so bad, it's not even funny anymore."
Mo Xi nearly lunged across the room to strangle him.
Over the shouting and yelling, it took a few minutes for the other two to pry Mo Xi and Murong Lian apart in their squabbling, which consisted mostly of angry swearing and returning taunts.
"Ok, ok." Jiang Yexue sighed, leaning back. "Murong Lian, that's enough out of you. Mo Xi, as much as that was not the best way for Murong Lian to word his throughts... I'm sure we both know that he may have a point there."
It was infuriating that Mo Xi couldn't even argue against that.
"But.. it's good you've figured it out now, isn't it?" Jiang Yexue tried.
Mo Xi got up. "I'm leaving now."
It was in his rush to leave that he'd realized he'd forgotten what Gu Mang had told him earlier.
So it was a surprise to him when he returned that Lu Zhanxing was standing right in his kitchen. Laughing at something Gu Mang said.
The laughter quieted as soon as the two saw Mo Xi standing quietly on the other side of the counter, staring with what must be a death glare.
Gu Mang blinked. "Mo Xi. Didn't think you'd be back this early."
Mo Xi's eyes shifted to Lu Zhanxing, who had his hand on a pot handle. "What are you doing here?"
Blunt, and equally rude. Mo Xi knew. But he was too wrung out for faux politeness now.
"Mo Xi, that's a little..." Gu Mang started.
"No, it's fine, Mang'er." Lu Zhanxing interrupted, glaring at Mo Xi. "Why should he need to pretend? Just say what you mean."
The two men glared at each other as if looks could kill. Gu Mang said nothing, surprisingly silent.
"Do you have something to say to me?" Lu Zhanxing asked.
Mo Xi dug his nails into his palm. "No."
Lu Zhanxing sniffed and then turned away. A smug gesture of a silent victory. Mo Xi felt himself boil over.
"Get out." He said quietly.
Zhanxing stopped and turned, staring him down.
"Fine." He said after a while. He reached over and grabbed his coat off their couch. "I was heading out anyways."
He nodded at Gu Mang.
Gu Mang stared after him. "... Zhanxing."
The door slammed shut behind him.
For many moments after, Gu Mang continued to stare at the door, as if waiting for his old friend to magically return. Of course, that didn't happen.
All the while, Mo Xi stood where he had been the entire time, his back straight and fists curled, staring only at the space ahead of him. He had nothing to say.
Gu Mang didn't either. He'd brushed past him that night without a single word.
Neither of them spoke until morning.
It was, yet again, Gu Mang's preparation of Mo Xi's coffee that led him to the very same conclusion as before. His roommate wanted to talk. But this time, Mo Xi dreaded exactly what.
Gu Mang slammed his plate down onto the table. "What's your problem?"
Mo Xi blinked. "What?"
"The fuck you mean 'what?'" Gu Mang stood up. "You know what I'm talking about. Last night. What was that about?"
Mo Xi's gaze hardened as he also stood. "I think you know what that was about."
"Oh, do I?" Gu Mang scoffed. "I thought we had talked this out, oh I don't know, maybe... A month ago or so?! What were you thinking?"
Mo Xi's throat closed up. "What was I thinking?" He echoed. "I just though, maybe, I don't know, that time isn't enough to solve your problems–"
"This wasn't my problem. It's your problem." Gu Mang pointed at him accusingly. "If you can't–" He stopped abruptly.
Mo Xi narrowed his eyes. "What?" He challenged. "If I can't what?"
Gu Mang huffed. "If you can't... trust me, what can you trust?"
Mo Xi's voice died in his throat.
"I–" He tried to speak. "That isn't..."
Gu Mang stared him down. Mo Xi, unable to withstand his gaze, finally averted his eyes. He walked away.
"Woah, hold on a minute. Where are you going?" Gu Mang followed him. "Mo Xi–"
"I'm going out." Mo Xi said, opening the door. "That'll give you enough time to spend with him, won't it?"
Gu Mang seethed. "Fine!" He shouted. "Go. Get lost. I don't want to see your face back here again."
It was all just words. Words thrown at each other like rocks to knock each other's pride a bit, but it hurt more than either of them would know or let on in that moment.
And so, Mo Xi turned and left without another word.
The door slammed shut behind him.
Jiang Yexue took little to no time to pull Mo Xi to Murong Lian's place as soon as he'd finished the whole story.
"Thank you all for meeting us here." Yexue began.
"Again, this is my house." Murong Lian pointed out. "Why do you always choose here?"
Murong Chuyi swirled the alcohol in his glass. "You have good wine stocked."
Jiang Yexue cleared his throat. "So, back on the subject of our Mo Xi emotional support group..."
"'Support' is a strong word." Murong Lian said.
"Why'd you invite me again?" Murong Chuyi asked.
"As I was saying," Jiang Yexue continued with a glare. "Mo Xi's having... troubles again and needs–"
"Isn't this about that Lu Zhanxing guy?" Murong Lian interrupted.
"...Did Jiang-xiong tell you that?" Mo Xi asked flatly.
"Far from it." Murong Lian waved dismissively. "I can just smell your despair from a mile away... Connect the dots and, well..."
Mo Xi grimaced.
"I don't understand why you two can't ever just use your words." Murong Lian played with a discarded chess piece left on the table. "Work out your differences, yada yada... Aiyou, young love is so overly complicated."
"We're the same age." Mo Xi deadpanned.
"Hold on, hold on. Murong Lian... although again, strangely worded... does have a point." Jiang Yexue said. He shrunk back a bit at Mo Xi's murderous gaze. "...You two really do need to talk it out."
"It's too late." Mo Xi said miserably. "He'll hate my guts for all eternity and I'll never get to see his face ever again."
"You're overreacting a little." Jiang Yexue patted his shoulder.
"You didn't hear what I said. And what he said. It's over." Mo Xi paused and turned to Murong Lian. "Can I crash here again?"
"You can always have the couch." He replied.
"That won't be necessary!" Jiang Yexue waved for their attention. "Look, just go back home tonight. I'm sure you two just needed to cool off a bit."
"It doesn't matter." Mo Xi brought his hands over his head in defeat. "I've fucked up. Between him and me, it's always going to be..." He swallowed that last thought, knowing what it was.
"Might I remind you that this is Lu Zhanxing we're talking about?" Murong Lian piped up. "I've seen that man. There is not a heterosexual out there straighter than he is. You're getting all worked up over nothing."
Mo Xi didn't pull his head up.
Jiang Yexue tugged on his sleeve. "Go home, Mo Xi."
The apartment was dark when Mo Xi walked back through the door.
He felt caution rise in him as he stepped through the doorway. He wasn't sure what he expected. Gu Mang waiting for him? A death trap? Gu Mang with a death trap?
Fortunately for him, Mo Xi saw none of the above in his immediate vicinity.
What he did unfortunately spot, however, was an almost emptied glass bottle of alcohol sitting on the table, accompanied by a dirty glass.
Oh, fuck.
"Gu Mang?" He called. "Are you here?"
He peered into the dark living room. Also empty.
Frantically taking off his shoes, he ran to the hall, catching himself at the corner.
Gu Mang was slumped on the ground against the wall, next to the bathroom door and halfway down to his room.
Mo Xi ran towards him, acting on impulse only and bringing an arm around Gu Mang to support his weight.
Gu Mang opened his eyes. Mo Xi sighed with relief. "Gu Mang."
"Mo Xi..." He blinked. "You came back."
Mo Xi's heart lurched.
"Yeah." He told him, lifting him up. "Yeah, I did."
"Mn." Gu Mang's head hung heavy against Mo Xi's shoulder. "Thought you would... get lost... Like I said to."
Mo Xi didn't respond.
Slowly and carefully, he lifted Gu Mang up to help him into bed.
Once he was safely tucked in, Mo Xi sighed again and kneeled down. He chuckled. "Seriously, Gu Mang. How many times have I–?"
His smile disappeared as soon as he caught a glimpse of Gu Mang's face.
His eyes were wet and shining, tears flowing down his cheeks.
He was...
"Don't go." Gu Mang croaked. "Stay. Please don't go."
Mo Xi stared at his unexpected vulnerable state, and recounted the facts.
Gu Mang was crying. Mo Xi had only ever seen Gu Mang cry twice.
And the first time...
It was after the argument.
The day Lu Zhanxing packed his things and left, vowing never to look back.
And the day Lu Zhanxing had crushed the remaining pride Gu Mang carried with him.
One day, you'll let yourself down, he'd said. Good luck.
The door slammed shut behind him.
And it was that day that Gu Mang had done the exact same thing: Begged Mo Xi not to leave him. Begged him to stay.
So Mo Xi had obliged that day, and promised to do from then on out.
Why had he gone back on that?
Mo Xi felt a light tug on his sleeve.
"Please, don't leave me too."
He crumbled.
"Ok." He whispered, starting to take Gu Mang into his arms. "Ok."
I'm sorry, he thought, brushing a tear from his beloved Gu Mang's cheek. I shouldn't have left. Even if it was small, even if it didn't matter, I shouldn't have done it.
But I'm back now. I'm here for you. Always.
He was being selfish, Mo Xi thought, he knew it. He knew he was taking advantage of Gu Mang's drunken state to selfishly keep him for himself, just for that night.
But he hoped that maybe, just maybe, this was what Gu Mang wanted as well.
It was a foolish thought, but Mo Xi desperately held onto it like the last ember for the rest of the night.
The second time Mo Xi had seen Gu Mang cry was the night before their move into the apartment.
Murong Lian had graciously broke out the alcohol, to celebrate the removal of two house pests, as he called it.
In any case, Gu Mang and Mo Xi had drank together. Just a bit, possibly a little more than enough to get them tipsy, that was all.
Gu Mang had cried, but not in the same way as before. There was no despair.
"We did it." Gu Mang had said to Mo Xi that day, raising his glass. He laughed as tears streaked down his cheeks. "We did it, A-Xi."
And then... and then Gu Mang has kissed him. Right then and there. It was sloppy and far from perfect, but Mo Xi never forgot the lingering taste of alcohol on his tongue.
But most importantly... he had wanted it. Wanted it dearly. More than anything.
Gu Mang never brought it up after that night. Perhaps he was embarrassed, maybe ashamed.
But Mo Xi prayed, oh he prayed, that it had meant just as much to Gu Mang as it did to him.
Mo Xi awoke with little to no remembrance of where he was.
It was the second set of breaths along with his own that alarmed him first.
He blinked awake.
His arms were still wrapped around a sleeping Gu Mang, his back pressed tightly to his chest.
Mo Xi's eyes shot open.
"...Shit."
That's when Mo Xi felt Gu Mang stir. Right. Light sleeper.
Double shit. Holy shit, if you will.
"Mn... Mo Xi?" Gu Mang said sleepily. "'izzat you?"
Mo Xi sighed. "Yeah... It's me."
"Hm..." Gu Mang shifted more onto his side. "Ok.."
Mo Xi stared.
Ok? Just ok?
He all of a sudden felt as thought he'd missed a couple chapters of his own life.
"Rest up." Mo Xi murmured to Gu Mang as he slowly pulled himself up and out of bed.
As soon as he wandered into the hall, he checked his phone.
Thirty-six percent. He'd forgotten to charge last night.
Quickly, he flipped through his WeChat messages, checking for anything important.
There was one in particular that made him pause, however.
Lu Zhanxing. 7:34 A.M.
Can we talk?
Strange how Lu Zhanxing had found him. Mo Xi had almost decided to delete the message and block him from further contact.
But he had decidedly buried petty Mo Xi that morning.
And in any case, he still felt guilty for the days before. He at least owed it to Gu Mang to try.
So Mo Xi stood impatiently in the afternoon sun on the bridge, tapping his foot and rechecking his phone every few seconds.
"Glad to see that you've showed up." A voice said behind him.
Lu Zhanxing, standing with his arms crossed and peering at Mo Xi with bored eyes. "We need to talk."
"Yeah, well," Mo Xi fought the urge to roll his eyes and pocketed his phone. "I got that much from your cryptic-ass message."
Zhanxing looked as if he was debating whether or not to respond to that last part or not. "I'll skip the pleasantries and cut straight to the chase." He said. "What have you got against me being around Mang– Gu Mang?"
"Nothing." Mo Xi's immediate response fell out of his mouth before he could think. "I mean–" His expression steadied itself. "You remember the last time you saw each other."
Lu Zhanxing's eyes darkened as he leaned against the railing. "You and I both know we're past that." He snapped. "And I know that's not the real reason. And I think you know it too." He paused. "Are you... what, jealous or something?"
"I–" He was cut off by the sound of his own voice and felt silent. Of course, Mo Xi would rather have jumped into the waters below than admit the truth, least of all to Lu Zhanxing. But he couldn't exactly deny it either.
Lu Zhanxing gave him an odd look. "You really think that he and I would...?"
Mo Xi felt his throat constrict. "You were always more to him than I ever could be."
Zhanxing shook his head. "No, that's not it." He sighed and gazed out over the river. "After all this time, you still don't get it."
Mo Xi glared at him, not saying anything.
"I'm not that person. At least, not the kind you're thinking of." Lu Zhanxing turned back to look at him again. "I never understood why you couldn't see it."
"..."
"If you don't believe me, then go ask him." Lu Zhanxing said, shrugging. "We don't get along. We don't have to. But as little as you may believe it, I want him to be happy." He stared at Mo Xi pointedly. "And I think you do, too."
Mo Xi didn't know what to say, so he nodded.
Lu Zhanxing brought himself up to stand straight. He turned away, giving an offhanded wave. "I'll see you around, Mo Xi."
Gu Mang was in the kitchen cooking when Mo Xi returned. He looked up at him and nodded in greeting.
It wasn't radio silence, nor was it his usual cheer. Mo Xi could feel just the slight cold shoulder he was being given.
He suddenly thought about all the events prior, specifically waking up in the bed next to him that morning, and his stomach twisted.
Gu Mang wasn't upset about that, was he? He could've been, and Mo Xi felt that morning's rush of worry return to him.
But Gu Mang seemed mostly back to his old self, other than his odd welcome home. Dinner went normally, and their routine seemed to have returned to normal.
"A-Xi," Gu Mang called for him. "Help me with the dishes."
Mo Xi was awfully quiet as he helped scrub the dirty dishes that had piled up on their counters. He carefully eyed Gu Mang from the side as he rinsed out his coffee mug.
Say something, whispered the back of his mind.
"Are you–" He blurted out, then stopped himself.
Gu Mang paused and turned to stare at him. "Hm?"
"Are you..." Mo Xi's mouth dried up. He forced himself to speak. "Are you going out with Lu Zhanxing?"
Gu Mang blinked. "Zhanxing?"
Mo Xi wanted to slap himself stupid. That was, possibly, the worst way he could've asked that. Absolutely the worst. He immediately wanted to find the nearest hold to crawl in and bury himself alive to an early grave.
He panicked and found himself to begin to ramble a bit. "Look, I'm sorry, I've been an asshole these past few weeks." He babbled. "And I know I acted terribly to your old friend, but it's just because I thought– I don't know, I was stupidly worried that you liked him more than me. I– want to be with you and I'm worried he's taking you away from... me." He finally slowed down and nearly mumbled that last part.
Gu Mang gave him a dumbfounded look.
"If you want Lu Zhanxing, then go be with Lu Zhanxing." Mo Xi continued, unable to will himself to be silent. "But I just... wanted to know." He felt his throat close up as he braced himself for what was to come.
Gu Mang, meanwhile, still didn't speak. In fact, he was staring at Mo Xi as if he had suddenly grown three heads.
Mo Xi blinked. "Gu Mang?"
Gu Mang stared and slowly opened his mouth. "Why..." He paused. In his next words, he spoke slowly, enunciating each word. "Why would I be with Lu-xiong if I'm already with you?"
Mo Xi's jaw dropped.
So did the plate he was holding.
Gu Mang screamed.
"Be careful next time!" Mo Xi snapped, cleaning out the fresh cut on Gu Mang's palm. His roommate had freaked and immediately bent down to pick up the shattered plate on the ground, accidentally slicing a gash open on his hand.
"Sorry! Sorry..." Gu Mang winced at the sharp sting. "But you were the one to drop it in the first place."
Mo Xi paused for a moment to glare at him before reaching for the bandages.
He heard Gu Mang chuckle. "A-Xi... What you said earlier."
Mo Xi sharply inhaled as he was turned away.
He heard a small snicker. "Did you really think I see Lu Zhanxing that way?"
Mo Xi gaped at him. "That's what you want to ask?"
Gu Mang lifted his shoulders in a half shrug. "Yeah! Well," he grinned. "The rest I knew, I mean... You aren't the greatest at hiding the obvious." He yelped as Mo Xi threw the roll of bandages at him.
"Shut up." Mo Xi growled, reaching for the roll and grabbing Gu Mang's wrist. "And what did you mean by 'already being with me?' What was that supposed to mean?"
Now it was Gu Mang's turn to gape at him. "I thought–" He started. He gave Mo Xi a dumbfounded look. "Was kissing you six months ago not enough of a hint?!"
Mo Xi was speechless. "You remember that?" He said dumbly.
"Yes!" Gu Mang exclaimed exasperatedly. "What, did I have to take you into the bedroom too–?" He yelped again as Mo Xi pulled the bandage around his hand tight. Perhaps a little tighter than needed.
"Shut up!" He snapped. "I just... You never said anything, so I thought– I didn't know you meant it!"
The words fell out of his mouth before he could stop them.
Gu Mang's smile faded. "Oh."
Mo Xi looked away.
"Oh, Mo Xi..." His newly patched hand slipped down from Mo Xi's until their fingers met. Gu Mang brought his other hand around to put Mo Xi's hand in a firmer grasp. "I'm sorry."
Gu Mang gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "Hey, look. I'll make it up to you alright? Tomorrow morning, I'll take you to that coffee place down the street. You've always wanted to go there, right?"
When Mo Xi looked up at him, Gu Mang had a hopeful smile on his face. "It'll be our first official date. If you'll...?" Accept?
Mo Xi swallowed the lump in his throat to say yes. The words that came out instead were: "Can we try again? The... you know...."
Gu Mang grinned. "I'll take that as a yes."
Mo Xi leaned forward, carefully placing his available hand under Gu Mang's chin and tilting his face upwards.
A glint of mischief flashed in Gu Mang's eyes. "You sure you know what you're doing?"
"Don't ruin this." Mo Xi told him, before firmly pressing their lips together.