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Eddie looked at him expectantly, searching for more to be said. Buck hated how much he wanted to hide away every time he looked at him like that. After years of looking for someone to care about him and listen to him, he finally found the one. But all he wants to do now that Eddie’s here to listen is change the topic. Eddie has repeatedly talked to him about being there for him, always. Yet, the thought of selfishly talking about his emotions— or anything too personal— makes him overthink about Eddie not really meaning it. Time and time again Dr Copeland has told him that his anxieties, though they are valid fears, aren’t real.
Knowing this—and with that face, filled with every intent to listen, that makes him want to tell Eddie his whole thought process and life story—gives him the confidence to try and be self-serving. Just this once.
“And you didn’t let go, so... let’s just say, I didn’t like it and I would appreciate it if you never held me like that again,” Buck said.
“Okay, got it. No doing that. If there's anything else that ever makes you feel, uh, feel like how you do now… I guess? Tell me, Please. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Buck was expecting the world to explode when he set boundaries. It didn’t, instead, Eddie told him that he cared with words that he had never heard before.
“I don’t want to hurt you..” Buck mumbled, repeating what Eddie said. “Why?”
“What?”
“You know you don’t have to listen to me right? I was just saying… things. If you grabbed me again I wouldn’t hate you or anything, so you don’t have to not do that.” Buck rushed to explain.
“You didn’t like it.”
Buck nodded.
“It made you uncomfortable.” Eddie continued.
He nodded again.
“Buck, you were crying.”
“I know.”
“As one of the many people who love you dearly, Evan. Why would I choose to do something I know— for a fact—that you do not like? That you specifically stated did not enjoy.”
Buck started to understand what he meant, but it didn’t change his beliefs. Nobody has ever given a shit about Buck’s consent; never asking, never stopping. Even when he flinched, made a face, or even cried. He has been in situations where he didn’t think saying, “no” mattered, Buck was just a body to them and they were gonna get their way—tears or not.
“When you say it like that it sounds harsher than it is. I know you wouldn’t willingly hurt me, but sex is different. You get to do whatever you want with me and I get to be close to you. Win-Win.”
“Lose Lose. I wouldn’t enjoy doing things with you that you don’t like. Non-consensual sex isn’t sex. Never has been and never will be, no matter what.”
“I hear you on some of those things. Of course, you want me to be happy, and I agree that non-consensual sex isn’t sex. But—”
“Buck. None of what I said deserves a, ‘but.’ You do understand that, right?” Eddie's tone started firm until it morphed into concern.
“Yes. I’m saying I agree, but you said, ‘no matter what,’ and that’s just not true!”
Buck didn’t want to start a fight with him about this because it doesn’t matter, but he needs to know that Buck’s consent isn’t always non-negotiable. Eddie stayed quiet for a moment, clearly in his head about something. He had hope that his convincing worked until he could see tears in his eyes.
Buck moved closer to Eddie, sitting in front of him.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he lowered his voice.
“I know, and I’m not crying because of you. I’m just,, I have an assumption about the reason you believe this. I know you wouldn’t do something like that to someone else…”
“Never.”
“So think someone else has done that to you.”
This made no sense to him. How did their not having the same views about consent make Eddie think this was the only logical option? Sure, he was hypersexual in the past and that is often a result of this kind of thing, but every intimate encounter he had before that was completely consensual. The sexual relations he had during his sex addiction were… less so, but he was still willing. Yes, he was uncomfortable and upset… and a few events made him unable to sleep without bad dreams for a few days. None of that applies if he never said no.
“I didn’t say no.” He said in an almost whisper.
“I know you know that doesn’t change what it is. We see this in our line of work, people refusing to talk to the police—or us— about what happened because they didn’t say no, or they didn’t scream, or they didn’t move. None of that means they weren’t assaulted.”
All Buck wanted tonight was to have loving sex with the love of his life. To be able to hold and fall asleep beside him. He wanted to feel how much Eddie truly loves him while they devote every inch of their attention on one another. Instead, they are here, both crying and talking about Bucks's fucked up sense of consent.
“I’m gonna shower…” He stood up off the bed, “Yeah, showering sounds..” he didn't finish his sentence before turning away and leaving their room.
Eddie follows Buck into the bathroom once he takes his time to compose himself. The shower head was on but Buck wasn’t in it, instead, he was leaning against the counter. Just staring. Eddie put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed him comfortingly before grabbing the bottom of his shirt and lifting it slightly.
“I love you. I’m here for you.”
He let Eddie take off his clothes and led him into the shower. He stood with his face in the water, then sat down. Eddie didn’t think twice about it and removed the shower head from its stand. He rinsed his body with the water. Sitting down on the ledge to wash, shampoo, and conditioner his hair. Slow movements when brushing fingers through his hair. There was hesitation after grabbing the body wash, but Buck smiled softly and nodded—letting Eddie clean his body.
This wasn’t a first for their relationship, sometimes one, or maybe both of them will be too tired or upset to shower properly. This moment was different from those times, Buck is comfortable setting boundaries and Eddie shows him that he acknowledges these boundaries.
Today may have opened old wounds he wasn’t aware of, but he was in a safe place with a safe person who licked his wounds and put a dino bandaid on it. Buck knows he’ll need a professional to have long-lasting healing, but for now, a nice shower and loads of forehead kisses from Eddie will work just fine