Chapter Text
By the time everything went to shit Ed had already found what he was looking for. Cornello really should keep all his sketchy documents somewhere safer than his desk drawer. The office door wasn't even locked. With some quick alchemy, Ed got his hands on the key to the church's downfall. The place was basically a money making scam to fund the cult that Envy was stuck in. It was also a way to recruit people for it who seemed to mysteriously disappear soon after. Cornello said they were going on missionary missions but there were no allocated funds to prove that and apparently they donated all their assets to the church before leaving.
Ed wondered how many people had already fallen victim to this scam and lost more than their money.
There were also helpfully detailed breakdowns of how much money had been used to bribe the local military with names included. How thoughtful of Cornello.
The sudden sound of voices broke through Ed's thoughts and he shoved the documents into his jacket and ducked down behind the table. The door opened and he cursed to himself and eyed the window as a possible escape route.
When Cornello spoke, he realised that he had a bigger problem on his hands than being caught.
"We really are quite disappointed in you, Envy," he sighed.
"Very," Lust agreed. "Why were you running around with and hiding Greed's little accidents?"
"Shut up!" Ling snapped angrily.
Well, shit. This was less than ideal. He needed to think fast.
Ed risked a quick glance around the corner of the table to see that the three were being held in place by three uniformed officers. Ling was angry with his arms twisted firmly behind his back and Mei was frightened in another man's grip. Envy on the other hand looked terrified out of his mind. That wouldn't do. Time to get creative. Plans were overrated anyway.
While Ling shouted and got restrained more firmly by the officer, drawing a sound of pain, Ed took the distraction to snag the phone from on top of the desk. At least the three were staying close to the door. Hopefully the shouting would mask his quick little alchemy. He'd experimented with this with his dad when Uncle Hughes had the idea. It was still tricky to pull off because wires were complicated but he'd seen the speaker outside and it only took a few moments to connect the phone to it and turn the whole system on. Time to broadcast some interesting information.
"We're very disappointed in you, Envy," Lust said and Ed took that as his cue because guilt-tripping was rude.
"I'm not," he chirped, popping up from behind the table and leaning his hands on the surface. He was amused to see all of them jump a foot in fright. "He was just trying to help them get their dad back after all. Kidnapping's a crime, you know? And it's beyond rude to call Greed's kids 'accidents'."
"What are you-" Cornello stuttered, staring at him in shock and a smidge of panic.
"Now that I’ve got you here though, what happened to all those people you sent on missions? Twenty seem to have left but none of them returned and there’s no updates either. You got all their money and assets though. Which you immediately liquidated. Oddly enough, the families never saw any of that money, or those people ever again."
Ed gave the man his most infuriating smirk.
"I'd also like to know why you're passing alchemy off as miracles."
Envy, Ling and Mei were staring in shock at him, along with the officers, but Lust seemed to have recovered. She glared at him, rage glinting in her eyes as she realised they got played.
"You were never interested in the church," she said through gritted teeth.
"Nope. And to be fair, I never said I was. You're the ones who pushed the tour and lectures on me when I said I was an atheist." He shrugged. "I just went along with it. Now, about the kidnapping, embezzlement and fraud. What are we doing about that?"
Cornello finally caught up and started shouting.
"You little shit!"
"Who you calling a pipsqueak old man?!"
Lust turned to the officers. "Don't let him out those doors. He's seen too much. We're going to need to get rid of him."
"Hmm, my parents might have something to say about that," Ed said in amusement, dropping back into the chair and putting his feet up on the desk. "I've got to be home in time for supper."
"We'll be sure to console them over your disappearance when we see them," Lust said with a smile.
"Wow, threats already? That escalated quickly. Since my kidnapping and/or death is rapidly approaching, I'd like to know the reason why at the very least. Last wish and all that."
Behind them, Envy looked like they were having a silent panic attack and Ling was staring at Ed in disbelief.
"I suppose we can do that," Lust said in amusement. "Father needed a way to fund our ventures and find willing volunteers for our experiments. Cornello's experience with alchemy helped speed up the church's progress."
"So the entire thing is a lie?" Ed asked. "All that stuff about immortality and bringing people back from the dead?"
"Of course it is. People will pay for all the pretty lies with enough faith," Cornello scoffed. "People are gullible when you tell them what they want to hear."
"Hmm, and your brother’s kidnapping? It didn't sound like he was even causing you trouble. But you still tracked him down and took him away from his kids."
"Greed foolishly thought he could leave us. We needed to correct that belief. These children are proving to be problematic though. We'll dispose of you all together," Lust explained.
Mei let out a frightened whimper.
"And you managed to do this all without drawing the military's attention. Although these three officers helping you suggest that they're actually involved."
"Money talks," Cornello smirked. "And the town was essentially paying the military to turn a blind eye to everything. It’s their own fault in the end. Their money funded their own helplessness."
"I'm not a fan of victim blaming to be honest," Ed said, dropping his feet back to the floor. "And I'm not in the mood to be disappeared either. First family vacation in ages. Pity it keeps getting interrupted."
"Your opinion doesn't matter boy," Cornello ground out, irritated by his lack of fear. "Get him," he ordered one of the men.
Ed grinned and leaned forward to pluck up the phone, wondering how this news was going down outside. Probably like a lead balloon.
"Hope everyone got that," he directed into the phone, making them freeze. "Thank you all for listening to this afternoon's episode of 'villains and their monologues'. Sorry for the devastating shattering of the town's belief. Mom, dad, think I'm going to need a pick up. See you later."
He dropped the phone and clapped his hands together. Alchemical energy crackled down his arms and Ed slammed his hands down on the ground. The room erupted into chaos as everyone was thrown to the ground.
Ed vaulted the table and ran for his friends. A couple of well-placed kicks knocked two of the officers out cold and the third was groaning and clutching his stomach. Some quick movement while the two ringleaders recovered from their shock relieved Cornello of his special little ring.
"Come on come on," he urged the three. "Time to run."
"What just-"
Ed cut Ling off by dragging him up and shoving him towards the door. He did the same with Envy who seemed a little shell-shocked.
"Move!"
That finally got them running and Ed paused long enough to warp the door and trap the two in the office. Spotting several men with guns turning the corner, Ed raised a barrier from the floor.
"Where's Greed?" He asked Envy urgently. "Might as well pick him up on the way out."
"How are you-"
"Explanations later. People with guns now. Where's your brother?"
Envy shook himself out of his daze and started running down the hall. They followed after them and soon they were heading down some stairs.
"Dungeon in the basement under a church? Cliché," Ed scoffed when he caught sight of the cells. Not all of them were empty.
"There are so many things wrong with you," Ling hissed.
"Yup," Ed grinned at him as they turned a corner.
"Dad!" Mei cried out as she spotted the figure in one of the cells.
The black haired man startled at her voice and lurched towards the bars. "Mei? Ling? What are you doing here?"
"Jailbreak!" Ed answered skidding to a stop in front of the bars. "Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Ed. Stand back!"
Greed stared at him in baffled confusion before scrambling back when Ed clapped his hands together again. Not wanting to bother with warping the bars which was more complicated than a wall, Ed ran his hand over his arm to form a blade and sliced through them instead.
"How the fuck-" Greed started, eyes wide with shock.
"Questions later. Jailbreak now," Ed interrupted again. "Mass jailbreak," he added, looking at the other prisoners who were watching. "Hope everyone's ready to run!"
He sliced through the other bars and urged everyone towards the stairs while Greed hugged his children tight, dragging his littlest sibling in as well much to their surprise.
"Is there a side entrance to the church?" Ed asked Envy.
They shook their head and Ed grimaced. "Front doors it is then. At least we get to be dramatic."
He pulled out his phone and shot a quick text to his dad with a heads up and then bolted up the stairs.
It was pure chaos upstairs and Ed ran ahead of the group. He drew a spear out of the floor and cleared a path with great satisfaction as he knocked people out. He slowed when they reached the main hall, gesturing behind him for the others to wait.
Unsurprisingly, Cornello and Lust have managed to get out and were ordering people around furiously to block off the entrance. Ed had a feeling that their panic was also due to the little ring he’d popped into his pocket.
“Wait here,” Ed told them firmly. “It might not look it, but I know what I’m doing. I promise. Anyone being out there with me is going to ruin my focus.”
Envy looked about to protest but Ed darted ahead. He could have made his own exit but he didn’t know if there were guards around the building. At least the front door was clearly in sight and his parents could find it without trouble.
The teenager strolled forward, hands in his pockets and leaned against the doorway. That hid his blade he still had attached to his arm.
“Looking for something?” Ed asked with a cocky smirk, making them spin around. Guns came up but Lust waved for them to wait.
“Where’s my ring?!” Cornello demanded.
“Where’s Envy?” Lust’s voice was tight. She’d probably realised that Envy flipping on them would end up with a lot of sensitive information in official hands soon.
Ed cocked his head. “Oh I got Envy and the others out ages ago. Just made an exit door of my own. As for the ring,” he plucked it out of his pocket and held it up. “Gaudy thing honestly.”
Lust ordered some guards out to find that imaginary exit door while the others kept their guns trained on Ed.
“Give that back!” Cornello demanded.
“Nah,” Ed decided, dropping it back in his pocket. “Pissing you off is too much fun to stop.”
Lust seemed to have calmed down somewhat and tried to take control of the situation, pushing Cornello back.
“How did you do that earlier?” she asked, voice turning sweet again.
Ed was curious over where this was going? “Did what?”
“That alchemy.”
“Family trade,” Ed answered easily. “My dad taught me.”
She shook her head. “No, I mean that particular style of alchemy.”
Ah, that’s what she was getting at. Which meant she knew and confirmed some of Ed’s theories.
“Oh, you mean this?”
He shrugged upright and clapped his hands together, pulling another spear out of the wall. He’d left his other one with Ling just in case.
He spun the spear and rested it over his shoulders.
“Cool trick huh?”
“More than a trick,” Lust said, triumph glinting in her eyes. “That’s a skill that’s only learned in very specific circumstances. Illegal ones at that. You could get in a lot of trouble Edward.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah, human transmutation super bad, I know that.” He waved a hand, hearing some shocked sound behind him. “Unfortunately for you, I won’t get in trouble since it happened when I wasn’t even five.”
Her expression dropped.
“I’m more interested in how you know that,” Ed mused. “And a little worried about those ‘experiments’ you mentioned before. What were those people ‘volunteering’ for? Exactly what did you do to them?”
He dropped his smile and glared at her.
“You’re messing with stuff you really shouldn’t.”
He remembered searing pain, a blank white place and sad voice. He remembered Teacher’s resignation to bear a punishment she earned.
“Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should,” he said.
Cornello seemed to lose his patience and pointed at Ed. “Shoot him!”
He really needed to stop getting into fights while on vacation. He clapped his hands together and created a wall to block the bullet then slammed his hands against it to send it flying back, rocking the floor at the same time. These guys were nothing but guys paid to be intimidating since their aim was shit. He knocked three of them down and the other two were already turning to flee.
A sudden roar from down a corridor caught Ed’s attention.
“You asked for this, you brat,” Cornello said while Lust looked shock.
“You let it out?!”
Ed’s eyes grew wide as something came charging out of the archway. He tasted bile at the sight of the chimera coming for him. That moment of shock let the creature get close enough to clamp it’s jaws over his arm. Ed braced his feet so that he didn’t topple over and ignored Cornello’s cry of triumph. He drove the spear into it’s shoulder and it drew back with a pained cry.
“Ruined my jacket,” he mused, shrugging out of it. The ripped material would only hamper him. This was a much more dangerous fight than it had been before.
“Automail,” Lust murmured. “You lost a lot in that human transmutation. Who did it? Your parents? We could give your arm back, you know?”
“Seriously still trying to recruit me lady?” He asked in annoyance as he dodged again and sliced the beast’s flank with his blade. “And badmouthing my parents only pisses me off!”
He launched the spear into the animal’s leg, wishing that he could give it a quick death. Even successful animal transmutations left the subjects in extreme pain most of the time. This chimera seemed to have been driven feral by the agony of being forced into such an unnatural form.
He heard Mei call out fearfully as he dodged a swipe and that distracted him enough that his leg got clawed at. Thankfully, it was his automail leg and all that attack did was tear his pants. He looked over to see Lust ordering the remained guards towards the doorway wear Ling had rushed over to grab Mei. She must have panicked at the sound.
Ed jumped back to avoid another attack and then grinned. This guy seemed happy enough to follow him. Time for a lap around the room.
He turned and sprinted towards the guards.
“You as good at dodging as me?” He asked as he raced past them. He didn’t look back when there was a wet squishing noise and a scream. The final guard had finally caught a hint and booked it for the front doors.
“Envy! Greed!” Lust shouted, distracted when she spotted her siblings in the doorway. “You know it’s useless to run. Father will always find you.”
Envy still looked terrified while Greed glared at her and pushed his sibling behind him.
A sharp whistle from outside caught his attention and Ed jumped back from the chimera as it pounced for him again. He stuck his fingers in his mouth and gave an answering whistle. The go ahead since he wasn’t near the entrance.
The sight of flames bursting through the door was a welcome one and Cornello screamed in fright. Ed took the chance to darted towards Lust while the fire leapt for the twisted animal and took his frustration over it’s suffering out when he knocked her down. Using a move his mom had taught him years ago, he twisted her arm, dislocating it and drawing a shriek of pain.
“Don’t care who your dad is. You’re not invincible. And you messed with the wrong teenager.”
Cornello had tripped over himself and was watching the doorway in fear as the chimera toppled over. At least his dad made it as quick as possible.
Speaking of, the man stalked through the doors in full military uniform, mom right behind him. There were the sounds of yelling outside and Ed bet that they’d called in reinforcements to deal with the corrupt military in the town.
“The- the Flame Alchemist,” Cornello said fearfully.
“Hey dad,” Ed greeted conversationally.
Lust made a choked noise at the reveal.
He retreated to let his mom take over dealing with Lust and turned to call out to the others. “It’s safe! You can come out!”
Ling and Envy were the first through, followed by Greed who was carrying Mei. Greed looked more than a little pale as he stared at Ed’s dad.
“The Flame Alchemist?” Envy asked weakly, staring at the man.
“Yup,” Ed grinned, “We’re on vacation but I attract trouble.”
“Without fail,” his dad sighed. "You've collected quite a group,” he raised eyebrow at Ed as the others came fully into the room.
"Dungeon under the church," he shrugged. “With not so empty cells.”
His dad pulled a face. "Rather cliché," he mused.
"Hello again," his mom greeted his friends kindly with Lust and Cornello restrained. "Are you alright?"
Ling nodded mutely and Mei was clinging to their dad who looked a bit rough from being locked up. Envy still looked on the verge of a mental breakdown and Ed patted their shoulder consolingly.
"Your dad is the Flame Alchemist?" They asked faintly again.
"Yup," Ed said cheerfully and glanced at Cornello and Lust, amused to see them a lot more pale now. "I'm Edward Mustang. They're used to me getting in trouble."
"Indeed," his dad sighed, breaking the military persona for a moment to ruffle Ed's hair.
He growled at the man as his braid got messed up.
"Let's get you all out to the EMTs," his mom suggested. She rested her hand on his shoulder. "Did you get hurt?" She asked.
Ed shook his head. "Didn't even get shot this time."
"What is wrong with you?!" Ling demanded, voice going up a few pitches.
"Many things," his mom answered without hesitation. "Like father, like son."
"Hey!" Ed and his dad complained at the same time.
She steered him towards the exit and their little gaggle of people followed, looking entirely lost. Ed snagged Envy's arm when they hesitated.
"Come on," he insisted.
"But… I…" they trailed off, looking back at Lust with a fair amount of fear.
"It's alright," his dad assured softly. "No one will be able to hurt you. We'll make certain of that."
"Father…" Envy trailed off again and Greed winced, pulling his kids closer.
"Won't touch you," his dad said firmly, the determination of the alchemist who tamed fire in his voice. "You're safe now Envy."
"Oh…" they didn't seem to know how to respond.
Greed snagged their hand when Ed let go and tugged them along as well.
His mom squeezed his shoulder comfortingly and leaned down to whisper to him.
"Well done."
Ed smiled slightly to himself. It had been kind of a disaster of a vacation. But he did end up making friends. So not a bad outcome in his opinion.
He shoved his hands into his pockets after retracting the blade on his arm and felt the ring.
They weren’t done yet though. There was a cult involved in human transmutation out there and with what looked like a philosopher’s stone in their possession. They were going to need to deal with that.
He had a bad feeling that they weren’t going to like any answers they were going to get from Greed and Envy about their father.