Chapter Text
With Merlin in better health, he sent Gwaine on his behalf to tell Arthur a celebration of magic’s return to Camelot would be what the kingdom needed. Arthur was a little downtrodden that his manservant hadn’t told him in person but he didn’t want to push his luck with demanding why. He knew that their friendship had sustained grave damage and he wasn’t about to bury it by being pushy. Instead, he put everything he had into ensuring this celebration would be the greatest the kingdom would know.
Morgana talked with the druids, inviting them to the celebration as well as to Camelot whenever they saw fit. They travelled a lot so nobody expected them to settle in the inner city but they accepted the invite. They asked after Merlin, somehow knowing of the peril he put himself through, and asked that their respects be paid for his efforts.
Gwen had the castle staff working overtime on decorations and food but they didn’t complain about the longer hours. The only thing they ever really complained about was the lack of Merlin in the castle. He was better, Gwen assured them of that, but he hadn’t left his chambers much. He only left for short walks, having even shorter conversations with those who caught him. It felt wrong to not be stuck in conversation with him but it felt just as wrong to comment on it. The man had just finished his lifelong mission with a lot more life to live.
Then the day came and everyone thought that out of all the times Merlin left his room, this would be the longest. Yet after only an hour of partying, he’d disappeared. Even Gwaine didn’t know when he’d left but didn’t seem all that worried about it.
“This is a lot for him. Parties aren’t his thing when he’s serving them let alone when he’s the whole reason it’s happening. He said he needed to get some air.”
“Why didn’t you go with him?” Lancelot asked, surprised the knight was still drinking with his peers.
“I’m not the person who needs to be alone with him right now,” he explained as his eyes darted to Arthur. The king raised an eyebrow in surprise. His friendship with everyone was strained since the beginning of the curse but it had evened out to something civil. They would share a drink with him but it was clear he had a lot more to do in terms of earning both trust and respect back.
“I should go find him?” Arthur clarified.
“I think it’s time you two talk on neutral ground,” he responded. “He’ll be on the battlements.” He pointed to the castle where they could see the speck of something in the darkness. Presumably, that speck was Merlin. “Does all his best thinking there.”
“And you trust me to be alone with him?”
“I don’t but he does. I trust Merlin. It also helps I know he can flick you off the side of that without speaking so much as a word.” Arthur nodded and downed the rest of his drink for courage.
“I’ll do right by him.”
“See that you do or you’ll have hell to pay. Don’t think the people would be any less happy with Gwen and Morgana ruling them instead of you.” The king nodded shortly and made a quick exit. He really needed to reel in the threats he’d received from his knights at some point. Lord help him if a noble heard it.
“I would’ve thought you’d be down there,” Arthur commented as he stood beside his manservant. Below there were people filling the streets celebrating. He never thought that so many people held no true hatred for magic but rather were waiting anxiously for the day they’d be free to use it. It hurt especially when he saw people his own age who had known the law their entire lives. There were so many people like Merlin who had hoped every day for the ban to be repealed and whilst he’d love to sit there basking in praise, he couldn’t. This celebration was for Merlin’s sacrifice and Morgana and Gwen’s hard work building laws the council could agree on.
“It worked,” Merlin said but he didn’t sound like himself. He sounded outside of himself and his eyes were placed firmly in the distance at nothing in particular. They should be focused on the party below but instead, they were set on the horizon. “After everything, I did it.” This would usually be the place where Arthur would stick his foot in his own mouth and say something about how he actually did the work setting up the council meetings and passing the laws but he’d learned to bite his tongue. If his humility brought this much happiness to his citizens then he could do with more of it.
“You did,” he settled on saying. “You did a fine job.”
“For all the times I’ve nearly died in your name to achieve this, funnily enough, I don’t feel like it was fair.”
“What do you mean?”
“I told you that I was scared that if you let me die I’d never forgive you. I’d hate to lose my best friend and the closest thing I’ve had to a brother because he’d rather me die than change.” Merlin turned to him with an expression he couldn’t make out. It wasn’t mad but it wasn’t sorrowful either. Maybe it was a pained disappointment. “That doesn’t mean just because you didn’t let me die you are forgiven for everything.” His blue eyes had never felt so cold and piercing. Arthur wondered how many people received that stare and lived. He doubted it was more than he could count on his fingers. “I understand that you grew up with the ban and that to go against your father’s wishes is a big thing to ask of you but did you ever consider how it felt for me? I went against my own people for you time after time knowing that they weren’t entirely in the wrong. Do you think I did that without addressing all those things I’d rather never see?”
“I didn’t think,” he admitted. “I didn’t think about anything. I never thought about the position you were in and I didn’t even begin to think about that. All I ever thought about was how your magic was made for me.”
“My magic wasn’t made for you though. It was made to bring magic back to Camelot and to do so, I had to protect you because you were going to bring it back. I had to keep you alive to bring about the golden age,” Merlin corrected sternly. “Don’t say that it was made for you ever again, got that?”
“Understood.”
“You’re lucky Gwaine hasn’t murdered you for saying that. You’re lucky I haven’t either. It makes me feel like I’m not a person.” He thought back to what Gaius had said and suddenly his feast was sitting far too heavily in his stomach. Even for those with so little, they had the very small privilege of knowing they were people yet Merlin had feared his whole life that he was the creatures in books meant to be slain.
“Sorry,” Arthur replied. Merlin’s gaze returned to the horizon with a soft sigh.
“Whatever. I’ve done what I’m made to do now so that’s the end of it I suppose.”
“Yet you’re not dancing in the streets or drinking yourself stupid. Well, stupider than you already are.” Merlin hummed softly.
“Like I said, it doesn’t feel fair,” he said. “I knew what I was in some sense. I knew that I was made so all this could happen and that balance could be restored but that’s it. I didn’t know who I was supposed to be after I succeeded and I definitely don’t know at all now.” He closed his eyes and rubbed them with the back of his hand, hiding the tears that gathered in them. Arthur hadn’t seen him cry all that much even though he made jokes all the time about him being a crybaby. It was jarring and he didn’t know what to do other than stand there awkwardly like an accessory rather than a friend. “Then again, I guess monsters and weapons have no need for such things as lives after the war. Maybe the Gods should’ve given my powers to a sword like they did with Excalibur. Swords have no need to wonder.”
“You’re not a weapon or a monster. What I said that night came from a place of ignorance.”
“This isn’t about what you said Arthur, it’s about what you confirmed. I thought that about myself for so long and people told me that I’m not those things but how could I believe them when they’re my friends and they’re all so kind? They have a vested interest in me thinking I’m not inhuman.”
“Don’t you get it? It was just me rationalising-”
“It doesn’t matter what it was to you!” Merlin shouted. “You’ve gotten so much from this prophecy, do you know that?”
“I’m an orphan, Merlin.”
“Oh for- You’re the king. You’re married to the love of your life, you have a wonderful sister who cares so much about you despite how you treat those like her, you have knights that would die for you and you’re being celebrated for bringing magic back like I didn’t have to actively try to kill myself for you to do so. I’m not denying what you have lost but look what you came out with. You know who you are. I would give anything for that.” He shivered at a particularly harsh gust of wind and Arthur belatedly remembered that this man had been lying sick in bed only two days ago. He quickly unclipped his cape and draped it over his shoulders.
“Can’t have you getting sick again.” He received a weary smile as his thanks. “Look, I can’t say I understand all you’ve lost and done to get here today but evidently it’s taken its toll on you. For that, I’m sorry.” But his apologies couldn’t do anything to fix it. They were just nice words.
“I said to Gwaine that after all this, I would try to find peace and I want to do that with him but where do you find something you’ve never had and never known?” He fiddled with the edge of the cape, grounding himself by rubbing the fabric between his thumb and index finger.
Arthur watched him anxiously as the silence between them dragged on. If the warlock was leaving this big of a space between talking then he wouldn’t like what came after.
“When I was little, no more than five summers old, I performed magic on instinct and nearly got caught by Cenred’s men. They’re different over there but just as cruel if not crueler to those who have magic. My mum dragged me in the house and she yelled at me, ranting and raving about all the horrible things that would happen.”
“You didn’t mean to,” Arthur argued.
“Wasn’t an excuse. It wouldn’t be to his or your men back then or even a few days ago,” he replied sternly. “She sent me to bed but it’s a tiny home. I heard her cry and beg the gods to take away my curse. That’s what she called my magic when she thought I couldn’t hear.” It was then that Arthur noticed they were facing Ealdor. You couldn’t see it from Camelot but he knew the direction well enough. Merlin hadn’t visited the small village in a long time now, too caught up in making sure Camelot still stood. They should visit one day. “She sent me to Camelot.”
“Even with the ban?”
“She thought Gaius could help, being an ex-magic user himself. I never told anyone this but sometimes I wonder if she sent me here to rid herself of a cursed bastard child.”
“Your mother loves you, Merlin,” Arthur stated.
“Like people love a broken stallion?” he asked bitterly.
“Like mothers love their sons.” The warlock hummed disinterestedly and ducked his head away. “You know what your problem is?”
“Oh please sire, enlighten me with your great knowledge,” he replied sarcastically.
“You blind yourself and stand in the way of your own peace. Perhaps because you feel you don’t deserve it or that there isn’t enough done but it is here. Look at the people you saved dancing in the street.” When Merlin didn’t look, he tutted and grabbed the sides of his head to force him to look at the people below. “There is your peace Merlin.” The warlock shoved him away with a tut.
“And I deserve it, do I?”
“Everyone deserves to live in peace. I know that now more than ever. I’m not entirely responsible for how you hold yourself but I know you could’ve been saved from a great deal had I done more.” He nodded slightly.
“It’s weird. I can know something to be untrue yet I still feel like they are right only when it comes to myself. How can I think Morgana is not a monster like me when we were both born with magic? How can I know magic is only a tool but consider myself an evil creature of it?”
“The same way I could witness good acts of magic and still think it was evil. The mind is complicated, yours more than any I’ve known.”
“Don’t I know it?” He tilted his head, changing his gaze to somewhere East of Camelot but not far enough to be outside of her borders. “I don’t know how to be happy, Arthur. I know I can be because I have been for short spurts but how do I live a happy life? I feel awful for the blood on my hands, I feel bad for what I’ve put my lover and friends through and whilst they enjoy the merits of my work, I stand here unable to accept it.”
“You’ve never been one who deals well with idle hands,” the king replied. “I suggested, when you were still sick, that I give you a title. Court Sorcerer. Morgana will already be High Priestess due to the agreed-upon negotiations but if I can have five advisors just for grains then two magic advisors will be no issue. Perhaps that could make you feel like you’ve made up for what you’ve had to do in your years as Camelot’s protector.”
“That…that might help actually,” Merlin replied, his eyes brightening for a moment before going dull again. “But not right now.”
“Of course, it’s there when you want it. For now, though, I cannot allow you to sulk up here when you’re still unlike yourself. Either you join your friends for a drink or I’ll help you to your chambers.”
“Do I get to keep the guest chambers now?”
“Not the ones next to my room. I dread to think of the night you’re cleared for more strenuous activities.” Merlin gave him a half smile. It felt like years since Arthur had seen him truly grin. Gwaine made him smile, Morgana made him laugh, and the knights and himself made him as content as he could be once upon a time. Yet, he hadn’t grinned in so long. Not since his first few years in Camelot and he couldn’t be blamed for that.
Arthur, knowing he was selfish and Merlin was far too selfless, felt the need to rectify something.
“You- You mustn’t stay here if you aren’t happy. I care for you as much as I can care for anyone not connected to me through blood and I know I haven’t shown that but you shouldn’t stick around purely for that. If you want to leave, either because I’ve wronged you or because your destiny is completed, I only ask that you let me give you enough coin for the journey.”
“Camelot is as much of my home as Ealdor and whilst I never needed your permission to leave her, I appreciate the sentiment.”
“Serves me right trying to do the right thing.”
“Who knows, maybe the next time you do the right thing you’ll be rewarded with more,” Merlin replied. “For now though, I suppose you’ll be doing the right thing by taking me to my chambers. As much as I wish I could enjoy the festivities, I’m afraid I don’t quite enjoy the circumstance for which they came about.” Arthur carefully held him by the arm like he was some fragile maiden but the warlock didn’t mention anything about it and led himself be led back inside. “Perhaps, if you’re willing, we could hold festivities again next year? I think a year is long enough for me to come to terms with this.”
“We’ll make it annual. It’s only fair that as a kingdom we continue to hold ourselves accountable no matter how far up we may be.”
“Never thought I’d see the day you’d be humble.”
“I look forward to surprising you further. I mean that Merlin.”
“I know Arthur. Just…give me time.” The king nodded. Although their friendship wasn’t unscathed, he hoped that the open wounds would heal with little scarring. If he didn’t then he had no right to complain since he was the one to inflict them in the first place. “For the record, I care about you too. As much as anyone could care for a prat.”
“You get two more free insults before I start throwing them back at you. Use them wisely.”
“Then I suggest you don’t do much to deserve the insults,” he answered with a soft smile.