Chapter Text
Merlin couldn’t remember a thing as he slowly rose from the painless void he’d been floating in. What he did know was that his body was wrecked, his stomach was twisting with hunger bordering on sickness and he felt exhausted but couldn’t will himself to go back to sleep. He must’ve been hurt trying to save Arthur again. He was always saving Arthur. Always coming back with bruises, welts, cuts and various things misplaced or broken. Gaius would give him the once over and do the best he could. He’d visit Gwaine the morning after for a brief reprieve. No thank yous, no great jobs, nothing.
With a heavy groan that irritated his dry throat, he forced his eyes open to get a gist of his surroundings. He could feel something heavy on him but not crushing. Not a bunch of rocks but not his usual thin blanket. He was laying against something comfortable so he definitely wasn’t outside on the cold forest floor. Must’ve made it home and crashed somewhere but definitely not his room. Maybe Gwaine’s? Even Gwaine’s bed wasn’t this comfortable. His eyes drifted and studied the ceiling. Or rather, it was the canopy of a bed. Not Gwaine’s room and certainly not his room.
His eyes finally landed on Gwaine who he now realised was stroking his hair. He smiled softly and felt admittedly a little out of it. Did he hit his head? Maybe he was just tired. What plan did he end up foiling this time that left him so out of it?
“Hey.”
“Hey yourself,” the knight replied.
“You look tired.”
“Nobody sleeps well with a cursed boyfriend.”
It was then Merlin realised what exactly landed him in this position and even though he was in pain now, he wasn’t in as much pain as he’d began the day in. He hit rewind on the day and tried to recall why on earth he’d feel better but the only thing he could land on was everything going black and losing control of his body. No, it couldn’t be. He was almost too afraid to ask but he had to know.
“Did I die?”
“No, not today,” Gwaine responded. “You did it. The ban is lifted.”
This should be when Merlin jumped up with glee forgetting his agony and excitedly asking about everything but he felt nothing. Not even relief. He did everything to get this yet he couldn’t even muster a smile. His eyes watered and for a second he assumed it was from finally accomplishing his goal then he realised it was nothing of the sort. It was just because he hurt so much.
“Are you okay?” Any other time he’d fake it and nod. Not today. He was too tired for his usual glamors.
“No.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“I don’t know.” Gwaine nodded and stood up, rounding the bed and climbing in from the other side before pulling Merlin into his arms. Although he didn’t have the energy to feel much other than miserable, he somehow found the ability to sob and once he started he couldn’t stop.
When he finally got a hold of himself enough to stifle the tears, Gwaine was staring at him with the utmost concern. He looked tired. Too tired for Gwaine. He should only ever look that tired because he spent all night in the tavern, never from being in the company of Merlin. How many sleepless night had he experienced, too scared to fall asleep and wake up to find Merlin was gone? The knight probably hadn’t had a sip of mead in days.
“I should be happy,” Merlin muttered when he trusted his voice not to wobble. “I’m free now. Destiny is done and dusted. So why am I not happy about that?”
“You’ve battled for too long and lost too much to be thankful for the end of the war just yet,” his lover replied. He cupped the warlock’s face, wiping away the tears still left on his cheeks. “You will be happy one day and I’ll make damn sure of it.” It was supposed to be comforting but Merlin could only feel guilt that this was a responsibility he’d put onto someone. It didn’t feel fair.
“Not today,” he determined. “I just feel tired.”
“I’ll fetch you some food and water. You hardly kept anything down whilst you were sick and you’ve been out for a day or two.” That had Merlin’s exhaustion leaving him as he sat straight up in shock.
“Two days? I’ve been asleep for two days?” Gwaine seemed amused by the reaction. Even in his toughest hours, Merlin had never slept for that long and yet he wanted to sleep even more.
“You needed the rest. What sleep you did get when you were sick was hardly peaceful.”
“There’s work to be done that I’ve missed out on completely, I’ve left this place defenceless for the better part of a week and I’ve just been asleep! I shouldn’t require more,” he replied.
“Camelot can function without you for longer than you think. Morgana has the magic handled, Gwen has Arthur handled and Arthur has the lords handled. There is nothing for you to worry about and I doubt any of them want you to return to work before you’re completely ready.”
“How are they?”
“They’re fine.” Merlin gave him a look. “Alright, they’re really worried. You’ve been asleep for a long time and we’ve had to hand feed you. Arthur is on this mission to ensure you a title and make this up to you if you even want that. He wants a big celebration at the very least and invite the druids back. Morgana will tell them once she knows you’re okay.”
“No, I should do it.”
“I understand you’re their god or something but you need the rest, Merls. She’s just as capable of the job as you are,” Gwaine assured him. He was right of course. He used all his energy to sit up and even that was hard to maintain, how did he expect to ride in this condition? Morgana was just as respected and perfectly capable. He didn’t need to do everything. In fact, he didn’t need to do anything. He’d done what he needed.
“I’ll miss it.”
“Miss what?”
“Being needed like I was. I was hardly ever wanted let alone needed before I came here. If Camelot and her king as well as her people no longer need me then who is to say they will want me?”
“Me for a start. Destiny may have brought you to Camelot but her people want you here. If you don’t want to be here then that’s fine.”
Merlin nodded. He couldn’t imagine himself somewhere else funnily enough. Not even back in the little village he started in with his mother. He’d long outgrown Ealdor and he was well aware that he never truly belonged there. He didn’t know if he truly belonged anywhere physically but he knew he felt right by Gwaine’s side. At the very least, he belonged there.
“We should talk about this, shouldn’t we?” Merlin said. “We need to. I’ve hurt you.”
“That can wait until you’re better.”
“I’d rather it not,” he replied softly. “I want you to know I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”
“I understand why you didn’t tell me you were going to do it. I would say no and then you’d do it anyway. I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me after. I would’ve been mad and I would’ve been hurt but not as hurt as I felt finding out through someone else.” Gwaine held his hand, still pale from the sickness that his veins stood out from a mile away. “I love you Merlin in a way I’ve never loved someone before and I don’t know what I’d do if I woke up one day and you were no longer here.”
“I love you too. I vow to you that I will learn to lean on you.” He kissed the back of Gwaine’s hand as though he were some visiting noblewoman to seal the promise. “If you can put it behind us, I would be happy to spend the rest of my days making it up to you.”
“Consider it put to bed,” he confirmed. “How do you want to proceed with Arthur? He wants to see you but for once the prat is letting you lead.”
“I’ll see him when I see him. For now, you need to tell me all I’ve missed.”