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Chan arrives back at his apartment after a long day at work. It’s cold, and quiet. It feels dead, like no one lives there. This isn’t new, the apartment he shares with his boyfriend Jaehyun has felt like this for a while.
Chan doesn’t know where Jaehyun is. He’s probably still at work. He always works late these days.
Chan begins making his dinner. He used to make up another plate for Jaehyun that he could microwave when he got home, but after a full week of seeing the food completely untouched the next morning, Chan gave up.
He makes pasta with sauce from a jar, the same thing he had last night too. He used to put effort into his dinners, but he’s so tired and there doesn’t feel like there’s much point when he’s the only one eating. The TV plays reruns of Friends as he eats.
Chan completes his evening routine in a daze and goes to sleep early. There’s nothing else to do.
Chan’s relationship didn’t use to be like this. When he and Jaehyun moved in together, around 10 months ago, they were excited and so happy. Chan would rush home from work and so would Jaehyun, and they would cook together and watch movies, or go out to bars if they weren’t too tired. Chan would come home to music playing on the speakers, and they would dance around the living room. They were so excited to decorate their apartment; to turn it into their home.
Chan was completely content. He felt like he had found his person.
But it fell apart quickly.
Once the initial excitement about moving in together had worn off, they stopped putting effort into their relationship. When it felt like they would see each other every day regardless, they both stopped trying to do interesting things. And at the same time, they started having petty arguments about stuff that Chan didn’t know someone could get annoyed about. He didn’t know that Jaehyun leaving his dirty cups on his bedside table would be so aggravating to him. He didn’t know that the way he left his clothes on the bathroom floor after his shower would get on Jaehyun’s nerves so badly.
He didn’t understand. When Vernon and Seungkwan moved in together after dating for a year and a half, they just seemed to get closer, and even grosser with their love. The same thing happened with Mingyu and Wonwoo. He knows that they all had arguments and had to get used to having a new person to navigate personal space with, but it never turned into this. They all learnt how to deal with each other, and their relationship grew stronger because of it.
Jaehyun started to drift away, spending more time at work or with his friends, and when he was at home, it was like he wasn’t even there. They stopped spending time together in the evenings, instead each hanging out in different rooms. When Chan tried to put in effort to fix things, Jaehyun started pulling away even harder.
“To be honest,” Chan had said to Vernon and Seungkwan a couple of weeks ago, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating on me. If he isn’t already, he will be soon.”
“Don’t say that,” Seungkwan had replied. “Jaehyun isn’t a bad guy. He wouldn’t do that.”
“No, I think he would. And I don’t even think I would care.”
Chan is proven wrong when, a week or so later, he arrives home after going to the bar with some friends and finds Jaehyun and another guy in their bed.
Chan walks in the room, tiptoeing because he’d assumed that Jaehyun would be asleep. But instead, he walks in on Jaehyun aggressively making out with someone.
He stops in his tracks, gaping at them.
“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks, as Jaehyun separates from the guy and wipes his mouth.
“I didn’t know you’d be back so early,” Jaehyun says.
“Clearly,” Chan says. “What are you doing?”
“Come on Chan, like you don’t do the same.”
“I don’t.”
“Chan, we’ve been on the rocks for months. We haven’t had sex in over a month and a half. What did you expect me to do?”
“Break up with me. If you wanted to sleep with other people so badly, and you thought there was no saving this relationship, then you should’ve just broken up with me!” Chan wipes under his eyes with the heel of his hand. “You’re an asshole, Jaehyun. And a coward. Fuck you.” Chan spits out his words and turns on his heel and leaves the room.
The tears start to stream down his face and he chokes back a sob. He knew that their relationship was doomed, it wasn’t news to him, but he thought that Jaehyun would’ve had enough respect to not do it in their bed. In their apartment. At a time when he knew Chan could come home at any moment.
Chan thought he wouldn’t care. The ache in his chest says otherwise.
Chan ends up calling Vernon and asking if he can come crash on their couch. Vernon doesn’t ask what happened, taking the strain in Chan’s voice as indication enough. This is why he called Vernon, and not Seungkwan. Seungkwan would ask too many questions and Chan doesn’t want to talk right now.
When he gets to their apartment, he finds that they have inflated their air mattress for him and have made it up with proper sheets and a change of clothes folded up on top. It’s a much better proposition than the lumpy couch. Chan has to swallow his tears again.
“There’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom,” Vernon says to him. “And there’s a towel in there for you too if you want a shower.”
“Thanks,” Chan says.
“Get a good night’s sleep, Channie,” Seungkwan says. “We can talk in the morning. If you want.”
“Thank you.”
Chan gets ready for bed in a daze. He doesn’t shower. He doesn’t think he can handle that right now. He just brushes his teeth, changes into his pyjamas, and climbs into bed.
Chan lies down with his face buried into his pillow.
Jaehyun was his first long term boyfriend, the man whom, at one point, Chan had thought he would spend the rest of his life with. And despite this, despite everything, despite being done with Chan, Jaehyun couldn’t be bothered to break up with him before moving on.
Chan’s busy wallowing in self-pity when he hears a little bell jingling, indicating that Vernon and Seungkwan’s cat, Polly, was coming towards him.
He hears Polly sniff around the bed and make a soft chirping noise.
“Please go away,” Chan mutters into the dark. He doesn’t like cats. They’re unpredictable and have sharp claws.
Polly, as someone who doesn’t understand human language, doesn’t go away. Chan hears her lie down next to the bed and start licking herself. It’s very noisy and Chan is kind of grossed out. But at least she had the sense to not get on the bed. Chan rolls over so he’s not facing her and tries to sleep.
---
Chan wakes up to the sound of whispering. Vernon and Seungkwan’s apartment is open plan, with a big space that holds the living room, kitchen and dining room, which is where Chan is sleeping right now.
He doesn’t know what they’re whispering about, but he aware of the fact that light is streaming through the gaps in the blinds, so it must be well into midmorning. He sits up and rubs his hand over his face.
“You can stop whispering, I’m awake,” he says, groggily.
“Oh,” Seungkwan says with a jump. “Good morning. I guess since you’re awake we can put the coffee machine on, do you want one?”
“Yes please.”
“Sure thing.”
Seungkwan sets out three cups. He doesn’t even ask Vernon if he wants one, even though Vernon is right next to him. He just knows. Chan admires that. Jaehyun stopped doing that sort of thing for him ages ago.
He wants to start crying again.
When the coffee is done, Vernon and Seungkwan come to sit on the couch next to Chan’s bed. Seungkwan passes Chan his mug and Chan takes a grateful sip.
“So, what happened?” Seungkwan asks.
Vernon glares at him. “It’s okay Chan,” he says. “You don’t have to answer if you’re not ready.”
“No, it’s fine.” Chan says. “Me and Jaehyun broke up.”
“Ahh,” Seungkwan says, and Vernon nods his head.
“He cheated on me. And I walked in on them. And he didn’t even seem to think it was a big deal.”
Seungkwan is staring at him, and Vernon is acting like his coffee is all of a sudden very interesting.
“He told me that I should’ve expected it, and I did. But I thought he was a better person than this. I suppose I was still holding out hope that we would fix this.” Chan swallows down a sob. “I really did love him.” Chan takes a shaky sip of his coffee.
“Oh Channie,” Seungkwan says sympathetically. “I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better.”
Chan gives a humourless shrug of his shoulders.
“And you’re right. If Jaehyun was done with the relationship, and was under the impression that you were too, then he should’ve broken up with you first. He should’ve shown you that respect. And I’m so sorry that he didn’t.”
“Thank you,” Chan says quietly. His coffee is almost gone, and he is starting to feel more alive, although just as terrible.
“Come here,” Seungkwan says, and gestures to the spot between him and Vernon.
Usually, Chan would do anything to avoid a hug from Seungkwan, just because it’s funny. But Chan isn't in the mood to be funny today, so he gladly climbs up onto the couch and lets Seungkwan pull him into his arms. Vernon join from the other side.
When they finally let him go, Chan lets out a soft “Thank you, guys.”
Seungkwan smiles at him and pokes his cheek. “We’re going to treat you today. Go get ready, have a shower. You stink.”
Chan laughs and stands up.
“We’ll leave some clothes outside the bathroom door for you. Take your time.”
“Thanks.”
Chan gets out of the shower and changes into the clothes they had left for him. When he leaves the bathroom, he can smell pancakes from the kitchen, and he eagerly heads down the hall.
“Just in time,” Seungkwan says. “Go sit down.”
Chan pulls out a seat at the dining table, the same one that he always sits at when he comes over.
“What do you want on them?” Vernon asks. “We’ve got fruit, yoghurt, syrup, lemon, sugar. Umm… I think that’s everything.”
“Syrup and fruit please.”
“Coming right up.”
When Seungkwan’s finished cooking the pancakes and they’re all seated, Chan asks them what their plan is for the day.
“Well,” Seungkwan says. “There’s a new exhibition on at the museum, and they have a nice Chinese place nearby so we could go there for a late lunch. And then we can go to the botanical gardens and then in the evening we can come home and have a movie night.”
Chan wants to cry again. They know him so well. (He pushes down the thought that Jaehyun would never organise a day like this, catered just for him, even if it were his birthday.)
“That sounds great,” he says. “Thank you.”
“Of course,” Seungkwan says. “Oh! Did I tell you about my brother’s new job! He’s moving to Austria.”
“Australia?”
“No, Austria, dummy. It sounds so cool.”
“Yeah,” Vernon interjects. “He’s already got this really nice apartment in the centre of Vienna, and there are tons of restaurants and old buildings and just tons of really cool shit all around him. It looks so exciting.”
Breakfast takes a long time, and Chan is able to keep his mind off of his recent break up. When they finally finish, he offers to do the dishes, only to be quickly rejected and told that Vernon will do it.
“This is treating Chan day. We cannot allow you to do our dishes.”
Chan wants to argue, but the look on Seungkwan’s face is so intent that he just smiles and goes to sit down on the couch. He wants to go on his phone to pass the time but he’s afraid of what he’ll see, or what he won’t see, so instead he flicks on TV and starts watching one of the Saturday morning cartoons aimed at children.
It’s honestly pretty amusing, Chan would’ve loved it if he were younger, and he gets pulled in quickly.
When he glances over at the kitchen, he sees Seungkwan, who’s got his hands in the sink washing the dishes, and Vernon, who’s right next to him with his arm loosely wrapped around his waist. Vernon says something to Seungkwan, and Chan sees Seungkwan laugh lightly and then turn to smile at Vernon.
His heart aches.
He misses having that easy intimacy with someone. At the beginning, his relationship with Jaehyun was like that. Jaehyun would catch him off guard with kisses and Chan would try his hardest to make sure that they were touching in at least one way constantly. As their relationship got worse, Chan started to second guess this, and Jaehyun’s surprise kisses stopped coming. They became awkward with each other. Vernon and Seungkwan are so gentle with each other, and they treat each other like they’re precious. Chan misses that.
He swallows down the lump in his throat and turns back to the TV.
---
They get changed ready to leave and start heading to the museum. Seungkwan and Vernon have a car, but they don’t want to use it because parking in the city is a nightmare, so they take the bus instead.
They sit in one of the four seaters, and Chan and Vernon choose seats next to each other and Seungkwan sits across from them.
“Here,” Vernon says to Chan, holding out an earbud. “Check this out.” Chan takes the earbud and Vernon plays a song that Chan’s never heard before.
“I found this the other day,” Vernon says, and Chan bobs his head along.
“This is sick,” Chan says.
Seungkwan pouts at them. “I feel left out.” He does an overexaggerated gesture of crossing his arms, so Chan can tell he’s joking but Vernon leans forward to pat him on the knee anyway.
“You’ll get over it,” Vernon said and Seungkwan makes a dramatic shocked expression. Vernon grins at him.
The next song starts playing and Vernon turns to Chan to tell him about it.
They get off the bus and do the five-minute walk to get to the museum. The exhibition is one that you have to pay to enter, and Seungkwan pushes Chan away before he can even think about getting his card out.
“It’s a treating Chan day. Don’t try and undermine my efforts,” he says, with his index finger held up to drive the point home.
The exhibit is about Ancient Egypt, and Chan knows that Seungkwan and Vernon aren’t that interested in history but they both walk around the museum and read the signs and discuss all of the items and exhibits on display. Usually, Chan would feel a bit self-conscious about how much he’s been talking, but he doesn’t mind when it comes to Vernon and Seungkwan. Vernon listens to everything, and Seungkwan has always been supportive of him. And if Seungkwan does start to get annoyed, well, then that’s just a bonus.
When Chan has thoroughly gone through everything in the exhibition, they head out.
Their next stop is a small Chinese restaurant down the road. It’s after the peak of the lunch rush at this point, so the restaurant is pretty quiet. They sit down at a corner table, and order when the waitress comes.
“Thanks for taking me to the museum,” Chan says. “It was really nice.”
What Chan wants to say is “I’ve wanted to go to that exhibition since it opened, but I didn’t have anyone to go with. Jaehyun wouldn’t have gone. Asking you guys would’ve been too humiliating. I didn’t want you to know that my relationship was that pathetic”.
But he doesn’t say that, of course. This isn’t a Chan pity party. Not quite.
“Don’t thank us,” Vernon says. “We wanted to go with you.”
“Yeah,” Seungkwan says. “You’re our best friend.”
Chan smiles softly. “Thanks guys.”
They move onto another topic of conversation, and their food comes out quickly. Chan eats without saying much; the food tastes too good.
It seems like Vernon and Seungkwan are feeling the same way, because they don’t say much either. When they finish, Chan watches as Seungkwan wipes smear of food off of Vernon’s lip with his napkin.
It’s another reminder of how jealous he is. Jaehyun wouldn’t have done that to him. And he wouldn’t have felt secure enough to do that to Jaehyun.
When they’ve finished their meal, they go the Botanical gardens. It’s only a five-minute walk from the museum so it’s nice and quick to get to.
They wander around slowly, just chatting about random stuff, while Chan admires the flowers.
But then Seungkwan stops him. “Chan, let me take a photo of you with the flowers,” he says.
“Really?” Chan asks. “I look like shit though.”
“You don’t. You look nice. Please,” Seungkwan says.
Chan is powerless to Seungkwan when he uses the tone of voice, so he bends down so his face is level with the flower and he smiles.
“Put your hands under your chin and cup your face,” Vernon says.
Chan does it and Seungkwan starts giggling. “Who’s the flower now?” he asks.
Chan rolls his eyes but allows Seungkwan to take a few more pictures anyway.
Seungkwan comes over to show him. “See, you look cute!”
Chan smiles. “Thanks, Kwannie.”
“Do you want me to take photos of you too, babe?” Vernon asks.
Seungkwan nods and goes to resume the position Chan was in. Vernon smiles as he snaps some photos. “Gorgeous,” he says.
Chan watches as Seungkwan’s cheeks go bright red. “Stop it!” he says.
Chan doesn’t say anything.
They keep walking around until it starts to get chilly. Vernon wraps his arm around Chan’s shoulder as they walk to the bus stop and doesn’t say anything. Chan just enjoys the sensation of a warm body against his.
When they get back to the apartment Seungkwan puts a movie on, Spiderman, and they all huddle under blankets on the couch to watch it with Chan in the middle.
He hates to admit it, but he’s happy sitting here because then he won’t have to see Vernon and Seungkwan acting cute, and he won’t have to experience that pang of jealousy that makes him feel so awful.
They go to sleep early, and when Chan lays on his blow-up mattress in the middle of Vernon and Seungkwan’s living room, he has to force himself not to cry.
He’s crying for himself, for staying in such an awful relationship for so long, he’s crying because he walked in on someone he really loved sleeping with someone else, he’s crying because he wants something good so bad.
It’s not fair, he thinks to himself, bitterly. And he doesn’t have the mental strength to stop himself from being jealous of Seungkwan and Vernon.
Sleep does not come easy.
---
The next day, a Sunday, Chan allows himself to wallow. He mourns the loss of his relationship; he mourns the fact that Jaehyun never really loved him in the first place, and he mourns the time that he had wasted on a man who was never going to be worth it.
Vernon and Seungkwan join him. They bundle blankets around themselves, and Vernon puts Footloose on, and Seungkwan makes popcorn, and they sit on Vernon and Seungkwan’s couch for hours. When Chan starts crying somewhere into movie three, and they don’t even make a big deal about it. Seungkwan tucks Chan’s head into his chest and Vernon rubs his back in big, comforting circles.
When he stops crying, he tries to apologise for the wet spot on Seungkwan’s shirt, but Seungkwan won’t let him.
For dinner, they order fried chicken and Vernon produces a case of beer from the fridge, and Chan doesn’t even try to offer to pay after Seungkwan’s sharp look.
Chan goes to bed feeling better than he did the night before, but still not great.
And there’s still the question of what the hell he is supposed to do about him and Jaehyun’s shared apartment.
---
Monday is a workday. Chan is a teacher, and, although he doesn’t get paid much, he absolutely loves it.
Unfortunately, the fact that he doesn’t get paid much makes calling out for a non-sickness related reason (although Chan could argue that he’s heartsick, but he doesn’t think his boss will let that fly) almost impossible to afford. Plus, Chan is sure that he will appreciate the chance to think about something else and get lost in doing what he loves most.
At work, he doesn’t mention what happened to anyone. When Soonyoung, his co-worker, asks how his weekend was he just smiles and says “good”. He hopes Soonyoung doesn’t realise that he’s wearing the same clothes as he was on Friday.
On his lunchbreak, Vernon sends him lame memes that he knows Chan will find funny. Chan likes how well Vernon knows his sense of humour. He wonders if Jaehyun ever knew him this well but has to forcefully shove that thought away. He needs to stop comparing Seungkwan and Vernon to Jaehyun.
After work, he goes with Seungkwan to his and Jaehyun’s apartment to grab his laptop and some clothes. At this point, Chan doesn’t know what his plan is with regards to where he’s going to live, but he knows that he can’t be in his own apartment for an extended period of time for at least another week.
Chan is expecting Jaehyun to not be there, he usually works late on Mondays but when he and Seungkwan walk through the front door, there Jaehyun is.
Chan swallows down around the implications.
“Welcome home,” Jaehyun says. Chan ignores him and heads into their bedroom. He pulls out some extra pairs of underwear, his dance clothes, his work outfits, and his favourite jeans and starts filling up the duffle bag that Seungkwan was loaning him.
He knows that Seungkwan is still in the living room, probably staring Jaehyun down. Chan is grateful for that.
When he’s filled the bag, he pauses and stares at the room. His bedroom. When he moved in here he had so much hope. He thought he had found a really good relationship. But now that’s shattered, and he has to pick up the pieces of his heart.
Chan takes a deep breath, steels himself and walks out the room.
“We have to talk about the apartment,” Chan says. “You cheated on me, so you need to move out.”
“Oh, fuck no,” Jaehyun says. “My name’s on the lease, not yours, so I am not moving out.”
Fuck, Chan had forgotten about that.
“Okay, then give me back my half of the security deposit.”
“No.”
Chan doesn’t know what to say. “No?”
“No,” Jaehyun reiterates. “You can’t make me. Unless you want to take me to court or something. Which I highly doubt you can afford.”
“Then what’s your solution? What do I do?”
“I don’t care.”
“Jaehyun,” Seungkwan butts in. “You cheated on Chan. You’re the reason that Chan doesn’t have a place to live anymore. Do you not feel guilty at all.”
“Not really,” Jaehyun says, a careless shrug thrown in at the end.
Chan can sense that Seungkwan is about to blow up. And he’s about to cry. “Seungkwan, let’s just go. He doesn’t deserve our time.”
Seungkwan takes a deep breath and nods. “Fuck you,” he says to Jaehyun as they walk out the door.
They don’t say anything on the way home.
Chan doesn’t know what to do. He can’t afford another security deposit; he doesn’t have enough in savings. And it’s the middle of the semester, it’s not like any of the students, the people who will have apartments in his price range, will be looking for roommates.
He’s homeless.
When they get back to Seungkwan and Vernon’s apartment, Seungkwan disappears into his bedroom and Chan sits down on the couch. Polly jumps up next to him.
“Oh my God,” he says quietly, trying not to shy away. Luckily, Polly curls up on the other side of the couch and not on Chan’s lap. He knows Polly is a bit of a lap cat.
Chan fiddles around on his phone and tries not to think about his situation.
After around 20 minutes, Seungkwan and Vernon come out of their bedroom.
“Hey, Chan, Seungkwan told me what happened today. I hope that’s okay,” Vernon says. He sits down on the couch next to Chan and Seungkwan sits down on the other couch.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” Chan says, slumping down on the couch.
“Chan,” Seungkwan says, “We talked about it, and we’re perfectly happy to let you keep staying here for as long as you need. This is a really shitty situation, and you didn’t deserve any of it. We want to support you.”
“I don’t want to impose, though.”
“You’re our best friend. You could never impose. We’re very happy to have you here.”
Chan wipes under his eyes. “Thanks guys, that really means a lot to me.”
“Stay for as long as you need,” Seungkwan says. “So long as you help with dinner. I cannot keep eating Vernon’s food.”
“And you can’t keep sleeping out here, I’ll move some stuff around and you can move into the office,” Vernon says.
“You don’t have to do that,” Chan says.
“You need privacy, Chan. But be aware, Polly loves that room so she might spend the night.”
That makes Chan feel pretty nervous, but he’s the one invading her living space, not the other way around, so he’s in no place to argue. “We’ll be great roommates,” he says, and reaches over to give Polly a tentative pat.
---
Living with Seungkwan and Vernon is nice. Really nice. Now that he’s been told he can stay for an indefinite amount of time he begins to settle in. He makes dinner for them twice a week, and they watch dramas together in the evening. They have music listening parties, where him and Vernon lie on the living room floor listening to whatever new album one of them has found. Seungkwan scoffs at them, but never interrupts.
It's so nice. Living with Jaehyun felt like living with a ghost, a vengeful ghost that he had to tiptoe around. But living with Seungkwan and Vernon feels warm. He finally feels like he has a home to come back to, even though he knows he can’t get too comfortable.
Watching Seungkwan and Vernon’s relationship kind of acts like a form of therapy for him. They’re showing him what a healthy relationship should look like, and it’s slowly dawning on Chan that he never could’ve saved his relationship with Jaehyun. It was doomed from the moment they stopped trying to be there for each other.
He can’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt though. He’s desperately jealous, and he doesn’t know who he’s more jealous of. Is he more jealous of Seungkwan, for having the constant and solid support of Vernon, who looks at him like he’s everything good in the world? Vernon acts like there is nothing that Seungkwan could do to ever make him stop loving him. Or is he more jealous of Seungkwan, for the way he dotes on Vernon in a way that betrays just how much he cares? When Seungkwan makes sure that Vernon has a jacket on days that it’s cold, or when he calls him when he’s going to be late home from work. Chan thinks it would be nice to have someone who cares about you that much; it must be comforting.
Sometimes he aches for it, a physical sensation, when he’s lying awake in bed, with Polly curled up on the desk chair in the corner.
---
One day, Vernon appears in Chan’s classroom in the late afternoon.
“What are you doing here?” Chan asks.
“I realised that when I walk home, I only have to take a slight detour and be at your work. So, I figured we could walk home together,” Vernon says.
“How did you know which classroom was mine?” Chan says.
“I asked a student. It really wasn’t that hard; you don’t have to look so shocked,” Vernon laughs lightly.
Chan smiles at him. “I just have to finish packing up my stuff and then we can go.”
They walk out the building when the sun is starting to set. It’s cold out and they’re both bundled up in coats and scarves. Chan teases Vernon for wearing the scarf that Seungkwan had insisted he take that morning.
“What would you do without him,” Chan laughs.
“I honestly don’t know.”
Chan gets the pang in his heart again. He wants Seungkwan to look after him like that, too. It must feel nice, Chan supposes, to have someone looking after you all the time.
They continue the walk-in companionable silence. It’s nice this way. Chan doesn’t like to be alone, but it’s been a long day of talking, and he’s tired. Vernon is good like this; always there to just be there. He doesn’t feel the need to say anything. It’s like he knows his presence is enough.
When they get home, Seungkwan greets them excitedly.
“My two boys are here!” he cheers. “I missed you guys.”
Chan likes that, being one of Seungkwan’s boys. It makes him feel cherished. He hopes that Seungkwan assumes the red of his ears is from the cold.
“I’m making pasta for dinner, who wants to help me?” Seungkwan asks.
“I can do it,” Chan says. “You just relax.”
“Do you not want me in the kitchen Chan? Is my cooking that bad?”
“No, no,” Chan laughs. “You’re just doing a lot for me, and you’ve had a busy day, so I want to do something to return the favour.”
“Nonsense,” Seungkwan says. “We want you here. Let’s do it together.”
Chan’s ears go red again. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him today. “Okay,” he says.
“Go get changed first,” Seungkwan says. “You’ve been in those clothes all day; you must feel awful.”
Chan just shoots him a grin and goes into his room.
---
Vernon and Chan start walking home together at least three days a week, on the days where Chan has to stay later at school. Seungkwan is always home before them and looks so happy to see them when they come through the front door. The rational part of Chan knows it’s because he’s happy to see his boyfriend, but Chan enjoys being able to pretend that someone is that happy about him coming home. It’s a bit pathetic, he can admit it.
It's through the weeks of living with Vernon and Seungkwan, his daily life intertwining with theirs, that he decides that he doesn’t want to leave. He likes eating breakfast with Seungkwan in the morning, and his comfortable walk home with Vernon. He likes their apartment, with the big, bright windows that make the space feel so warm and inviting. There’s space for his products on their bathroom counter. There’s even a spot in the living room that Chan knows would perfectly fit his bookshelf; his precious bookshelf and his books and trophies that he had left at the apartment he shared with Jaehyun. There’s even a spot on the windowsill where he could put his plants; the plants that are probably dying under Jaehyun’s care. He likes helping Seungkwan wind down after his day. Seungkwan works in a kindergarten, so Chan can somewhat relate to the struggle of working with kids in a way that Vernon can’t. He likes listening to new rap songs that Vernon discovers and being able to discuss them as soon as they come out.
Chan thinks that he could fit in their lives so well. He doesn’t want to leave. Sometimes he’ll sit on the couch and watch them interact and get such a sharp pain in his heart that he wants to cry. The pain says, ‘I love you both, I want to be here with you, I never want to leave.’
Chan figures he’s love-starved, and now that two people are showing him regular affection, he doesn’t know how to deal with it.
And they really do show him a lot of affection. He knows that they used to go on dates a lot, but now they’ve stopped that in favour of hanging out as a trio. Chan feels like he should feel guilty, but he doesn’t. They’ve never told him what they’re doing, and Chan thinks that he needs this. He needs to remember that he is worth loving and being cared for just until he manages to heal his heart. Then he’ll start to pull back and encourage them to go on dates alone again.
The other change is with Polly. Polly continues spending time with him, and Chan is starting to feel more comfortable with her. She still isn’t allowed to sleep on his bed, he’s too afraid she’ll pop it with one of her claws, but he sets up a pillow next to it for her to sleep on so he can stroke her as he falls asleep. He never thought that he would start to like a cat, but at the same time he never thought that he would be living in his best friends’ office.
He hates the air mattress. And living out of a duffle bag. It’s a reminder whenever he gets up in the morning and when he goes to sleep at night that he doesn’t really belong here. It’s the place he’s felt most at home in for years, and yet it’s temporary.
---
On Seungkwan and Vernon’s anniversary he arranges to stay over at Mingyu and Wonwoo’s place for the weekend. He knows that they’ll want the apartment to themselves but will be too kind to ask Chan to leave.
It hurts Chan a lot more than he realised it ever would. He packs a backpack to take away for the weekend and ignores the dull pain in his heart.
He wonders what they’ll do. Seungkwan is a romantic, so they’ll probably go to a nice restaurant and go for a walk afterwards. Vernon will probably make Seungkwan breakfast in bed because he adores Seungkwan but isn’t that good at telling him with words.
He stops that train of thought before it can go too far. Imagining what his friends would do on a date is an objectively weird thing to think about.
Mingyu and Wonwoo invite him into their apartment with open arms. They seem really excited to see him and Mingyu greets him with a massive hug.
“I heard what happened with Jaehyun,” he says. “What an asshole.”
“Yeah,” he says, quietly.
“Well, we’re going to have the best weekend ever,” Mingyu says. “We’re so excited to see you, it’s been ages.”
“It has,” Wonwoo says, giving Chan a kind smile. “You’ll have to excuse us; we don’t have a spare bed, so you’ll have the sleep on the couch.”
“No worries,” Chan says. “Thank you for letting me stay.”
“You’re giving Vernon and Seungkwan their alone time, right?” Wonwoo asks.
Chan nods.
Mingyu snorts a laugh. “What’s it like, living with them? They do intense PDA, right?”
“It’s not really PDA,” Chan says. “It’s not public.”
“But it’s still in front of you,” Mingyu says.
“It’s their house,” Chan says with a shrug. He wants to say it hurts me because I want to receive that sort of love as well.
“True,” Mingyu laughs.
“Plus, they’re cute together. I can’t be mad.” That’s true. Chan likes their displays of affection, it’s sweet. He likes to see Seungkwan’s cheeks go red when Vernon gives him an unexpected compliment. It makes him wonder if that’s just a Vernon thing, or whether anyone could cause that reaction in him. Chan kind of wants to try.
Wonwoo smiles. “You seem to like living with them. I’m glad.”
“Yeah,” Chan says.
“So,” Wonwoo continues. “Mingyu has made you a special dinner and then we’re going to play board games. We know you love board games.”
Chan laughs. “I do!”
“Dinner first,” Mingyu says.
The dinner is amazing, but Chan expected that. Mingyu is an amazing cook.
“Do you guys eat like this every night?” Chan asks halfway through the meal.
“Not this well,” Wonwoo says. “Mingyu made this specially for you.” Chan’s heart warms. Mingyu and Wonwoo are so kind to him, he’s so lucky to have people like them in his life.
“Hey!” Mingyu protests. “Are you saying that not all of my meals are this good?”
Wonwoo smiles at him softly. “All your meals are absolutely delicious,” he says. he reaches out and strokes his thumb against Mingyu’s cheekbone. Mingyu smiles.
Chan focuses back on his dinner, not wanting to interrupt their moment.
It’s weird though; the jealousy he feels when Seungkwan and Vernon show affection to each other isn’t there. All Chan feels is a slight bit of awkwardness at seeing such an intimate moment.
After dinner, Mingyu pulls out a collection of board games from the cupboard under the TV. Chan picks one and they settle down to play it.
Once again, it’s a very nice thing of them to be doing. It’s like when Vernon and Seungkwan planned their Treating Chan day to cheer him up.
They get slightly tipsy while playing, and when Wonwoo eventually wins, Mingyu dramatically falls backwards onto the floor.
“Don’t be a baby,” Wonwoo says, and tugs him back up. Mingyu wraps an arm round Wonwoo’s shoulder and noses into his hair.
“I love you,” he slurs.
Wonwoo laughs. “For such a big guy you wouldn’t expect him to be such a lightweight,” he says to Chan.
Chan chuckles. “I think he’s overdoing it, so he has an excuse to be all cutesy to you.”
Wonwoo smiles down at Mingyu. “Let’s get you to bed,” he says. “Chan, the sheets are on the edge of the couch.”
“Thank you Wonwoo,” Chan says. Wonwoo manages to pull Mingyu fully to his feet and they stumble to the bedroom together.
---
When Chan is lying in bed he reflects on the evening. Well, he’s not in the bed, he’s on their couch, but it’s comfortable enough.
Since his breakup he’s been taking a much more analytical look at the relationships around him. He knows that his relationship with Jaehyun was fucked up, so he wants to know what a healthy relationship looks like.
Vernon and Seungkwan have a healthy relationship. They’re adorable and sweet to each other and clearly love each other very much. Mingyu and Wonwoo also have a healthy relationship; he loves the way they perfectly fit each other. They balance each other out.
Chan had assumed that the weird feeling he had when he looked at Vernon and Seungkwan was because he was seeing something that should’ve been obvious to him before. Vernon and Seungkwan have been together for ages, he’s had an example of a healthy and safe relationship right in front of him this whole time. He thought he was jealous of them, that they had something he should’ve known he deserved.
But Mingyu and Wonwoo have been together for ages too. And they’ve also been an example of a healthy and loving relationship he should’ve known he deserved.
So why don’t they cause that same aching in his chest?
He spent the entire evening with them and didn’t once think that he wished Wonwoo would kiss him on the cheek as well. Or that Mingyu would put his long arms around his shoulder. Or that they would squeeze his hand in support.
But he constantly feels that with Seungkwan and Vernon. Constantly.
Chan rolls over onto his side and stares at the coffee table. There’s a stack of books there, Wonwoo’s presumably, and a sketchbook, which Chan assumes is Mingyu’s. Wonwoo is using one of Mingyu’s drawings as a bookmark. An indication of two lives intertwined.
Chan thinks about Vernon and Seungkwan, and the space on their kitchen windowsill where his abandoned plants could fit perfectly. He imagines Seungkwan watering them while he waits for the coffee machine to heat up. He wants that intertwined life so badly.
An intertwined life with Seungkwan and Vernon.
Chan rolls onto his back again.
Fuck.
Is this really happening?
What is even happening?
Chan allows himself to work through what he is thinking slowly.
He wants to be in a relationship with them. He wants to join their relationship.
What the fuck?
The most massive wave of guilt washes over him. How could he be thinking about dating Vernon and Seungkwan on their anniversary. Their two-year anniversary. After they so graciously let him live in their house for the past two months and have treated him with nothing but kindness.
He’s an ungrateful person. He’s disrespectful and disgusting.
But still, his mind wanders to fantasies. He thinks about Vernon also giving him one of his bleary-eyed morning kisses. Seungkwan always complains about his morning breath, but he always smiles into the kisses, so Chan knows he doesn’t really mind. Chan thinks that he wouldn’t mind either. He thinks about Seungkwan fixing his hair or wrapping a scarf around him before they go somewhere, in the same way he does for Vernon, looking out for him even with the smallest things.
He thinks about listening to music with Vernon, and going to the gym with him, and the way they can just sit in silence in complete comfort. He thinks about how much he laughs when he’s with Seungkwan, and how they can joke around so easily. Vernon and Seungkwan have always been such kind, good people, and he has always loved them. Not in this way though. Chan feels another pang of guilt travel through his stomach. He shouldn’t be feeling this way about two people who have done nothing but care for him during his lowest time.
Chan realises that at some point his jealousy turned into yearning.
He turns over and tries to fall asleep.
---
When Chan returns back to Vernon and Seungkwan’s apartment, he tries to distance himself from them. When Seungkwan gestures at him to come cuddle, he refuses, claiming it’s too hot. Seungkwan pouts and whines in a classic Seungkwan-like fashion that Chan tries to pretend isn't cute, but still Chan resists. Vernon sometimes puts his arm around Chan’s shoulder when they walk home, and Chan starts to try and subtly shrug it off or walk with a bigger gap between them so Vernon can’t do it in the first place. Sometimes he catches Vernon frowning slightly after these moments, but Chan convinces himself that he’s just seeing things.
He also tries to plan more outings with other people so that he’s out of the apartment more often. He tells them that it’s because he’s been feeling bad about taking away from their alone time. That’s partially true, but it’s also to try and get some more space. They insist that they don’t care, but Chan doesn’t believe them. He thinks they’re just trying not to hurt his feelings.
The other thing he does is start seriously looking for apartments. He’d been looking before, of course, but now he lowers his standards and starts scouring through listings at every free moment he has.
Chan works out how much he’ll have to have saved up to afford the initial payments on a tiny studio apartment and calculates that he’ll have enough in just under a month. (He is very grateful for the fact that he’d been saving a lot since he had moved in with Vernon and Seungkwan as they haven’t been charging him rent. And that’s yet another thing to feel guilty about.)
Three weeks later, he announces that he’ll be moving out that weekend.
“Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me,” he says afterwards. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you.”
“You don’t have to repay us. You’re our best friend,” Seungkwan says. Vernon nods in agreement.
“Where’s your new apartment,” Vernon asks.
“Downtown,” Chan replies, “I’ll have to start bussing to work, but at least it’s something.”
“We’ll help you move,” Vernon says. “You’ve still got some stuff at your old apartment, right?” Chan nods. “I’ll go with you to help you pick it up.”
“How are you going to get your stuff there?” Seungkwan asks. “Have you asked to borrow Mingyu’s car?”
“Yeah, he’s going to help too,” Chan says.
“Okay, well just let us know what we can do.”
“Thanks guys,” Chan says.
It’s a bit pitiful but Chan is sad that they didn’t even argue with him about moving out. He wasn’t really expecting it, but a part of him was hoping that they would say, “no Chan, don’t move out, stay with us forever.”
He’s pathetic.
Chan pushes those thoughts down and gets on with moving. He gathers his stuff from Vernon and Seungkwan’s apartment and puts it in the back of Mingyu’s waiting car.
There’s not enough space for Mingyu, Vernon and himself to go to his old apartment so Chan leaves Vernon at home.
“Thanks for everything,” he says. Polly winds herself round Chan’s legs and Chan leans down to stroke her.
Vernon watches him. “Anytime,” he says.
Chan can’t help himself and he collapses forward into Vernon’s arms. But Vernon catches him and holds him tight, and Chan starts to think that maybe things will be okay.
Seungkwan is waiting too, and Chan doesn’t even have to say anything before Seungkwan knows exactly what he wants and wraps him in a strong hug too.
“We’ll miss you, Channie,” Seungkwan says.
Chan wants to scream. If you’ll miss me so much, then ask me to stay. Please, please ask me to stay.
“Invite us over, we want to see your new digs.”
“I will,” Chan replies, even though he doesn’t think his new apartment would be big enough for more than one guest at a time. “I have to go now. I’ll see you guys later.”
As Chan walks down the corridor he sees Vernon wraps his arm around Seungkwan and Seungkwan rest his head of Vernon’s shoulder from his periphery. His eyes start to burn.
Chan gets in Mingyu’s car and leaves the best home he’s ever known.
---
Going back to his old apartment and seeing Jaehyun again goes by in a blur. Chan feels numb all over and he lets Mingyu do all the talking for him.
Chan isn’t even heartbroken over Jaehyun anymore. He’s heartbroken over something new. And he feels stupid because at least his Jaehyun heartbreak was justified. Chan had no right to want so much from his two best friends. And what’s worse, he can’t even reach out to anyone for support.
He knows that Mingyu can tell that something’s wrong, but Chan lets him assume that it’s because of Jaehyun.
They gather his stuff, and Chan tries not to yell at Jaehyun when he sees the state of his plants. They’re all either dead or dying and clearly haven’t been watered at all since he left. Did Jaehyun not care about him at all? He knew how much Chan loved those plants.
“God, this is tiny,” is the first thing Mingyu says when they step into Chan’s apartment.
“Yeah,” Chan says. He doesn’t offer any justifications. Mingyu already knows it’s because this is all he can afford.
They’d brought up the duffle bags of Chan’s clothes and get to work hanging them up in the wardrobe. Mingyu had also made sure that Chan got all of his kitchen supplies and dishes back, so they put those away too.
“Okay, let’s go get your bookshelf,” Mingyu says.
Chan feels himself brighten at that suggestion. His bookshelf was the one thing that he had missed while staying at Seungkwan and Vernon’s (besides from a proper mattress). He loved to read, and he loved to display all his books and his dance trophied that he worked so hard to earn and his potted plants and little figurines and nick-nacks on the shelves. It made the space feel like it was truly his.
But when they bring the bookshelf up, they quickly discover that there isn’t enough free wall space for it to fit. The best option would be covering up one of the cupboard doors, but with the lack of storage, that’s not really an option.
Chan wills himself not to cry.
He finally got an apartment, and the only good thing about it was going to be getting his bookshelf and all his pretty decorations back. But now he can’t even have that.
“Oh,” Mingyu says. “I think we have space for it in our storage unit until you move into a bigger apartment.”
“No, that’s okay,” Chan says. “I’ll just sell it. I don’t think I’ll be moving out of here any time soon.”
“Oh.” Chan can tell that Mingyu wants to say more but that he’s holding his tongue. Chan appreciates that. They haul the bookshelf all the way back down the stairs and into Mingyu’s car. Mingyu says that he’ll arrange the sale. Chan doesn’t have the energy to argue.
When Mingyu leaves, Chan is left with his boxes and nothing else. He doesn’t even think he can unpack all of them, there just isn’t enough space. He pulls out the stuff that he needs on a day-to-day basis and leaves the rest of his stuff in boxes that he stacks in the corner. That means no dance trophies, none of the little figurines that Seungkwan had made him during his short-lived pottery phase. He has space for a couple of photo frames, but the rest stay stashed away.
Chan goes to bed early. He just wants the day to be over.
---
Chan spends all of his time in the apartment, and it starts to really affect him. It gets almost no light, so he starts to get more and more lethargic, which isn’t good for being a teacher.
Vernon and Seungkwan both text him a couple of times, but Chan ignores them. He tells himself that it’s because he needs time to get over them and that they probably need a break from spending so much time with them. He probably really got in the way of their relationship. Instead, he hangs out with Mingyu and Wonwoo. Anytime they text, he is immediately out the door to see them. He misses being in the constant presence of another human. But it isn’t the same as being with Seungkwan and Vernon.
Eventually, it’s been almost a month that Chan hasn’t seen either Vernon or Seungkwan. One day, Vernon shows up outside his classroom after school lets out.
“What are you doing here?” Chan asks.
“Are you okay? We haven’t talked in ages.”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Chan says, turning his back to Vernon and pretending he has something to tidy up on his desk. “Just busy.”
“Are you busy tonight?”
“Well, no, I don’t think so.” Chan knows that he’s got nothing on except lying in bed and watching dramas all night, but he doesn’t need Vernon to know how sad his life is.
“Cool. Then hang out with me.”
“Sure,” Chan says. He takes a deep breath, puts the last of his papers away, and turns to face Vernon. “Where are we going?”
They go to a street food stand and take their food to eat it in the park.
“What’s going on with you, Chan-ah,” Vernon asks halfway through the meal.
“Nothing. I’ve just been busy,” Chan says.
“Come on, we both know that’s not true.” Vernon’s voice is kind, and his eyes are searching Chan’s face. Chan doesn’t feel like he can continue to be silent about this.
“I felt a little bad that I imposed on you for so long. So, I just wanted to get out of your hair so that you guys could have lots of couple time.”
“You didn’t impose on us. We loved having you there.” Vernon reaches over and squeezes Chan’s hand.
Chan sighs. “You just didn’t seem that sad for me to leave. So then I started to think that I had got in the way too much.”
Vernon frowns. “You’re wrong. We were so sad when you left. And we still miss you. Seungkwan talks about you all the time, about how much he wishes you were still here.”
“I had to leave at some point, though.” Chan says. “You’re a couple, I couldn’t just keep crashing in your apartment.”
“It didn’t feel like you were crashing though. You fit right in.”
Chan looks up and makes eye-contact with Vernon. Vernon is still staring at him with that steady, truthful gaze. “You can’t say things like that,” Chan says, averting his eyes and wiping at them harshly. “It makes me think I can have things that I’m not allowed to have.”
“What aren’t you allowed to have?”
Chan laughs bitterly. “That’s private.”
Vernon hums in understanding. “What about this: If we asked you to move back in with us, what would you say.”
“I would say no. I need to move on.”
“Chan-ah,” Vernon says again, his voice impossible gentle. He reaches over and gingerly places his hand over Chan’s. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
Chan shrugs, and wipes at his eyes again. He feels like he’s being childish, but this isn’t a situation that any amount of maturity can prepare you for. Chan wants to stay silent, but he can’t. Something in him tells him that he should get what he wants, just this once. “Yeah,” he manages to grit out.
“Oh Chan,” Vernon says. His tone of voice hasn’t changed. He’s still gentle. Chan gets ready to be let down. “We love you.”
Chan pulls his hand away, anticipating what’s coming next. He can’t believe his entire life is collapsing around him on a Friday afternoon.
“Look at me, Chan.” Chan does. “We love you. Come home with me.”
“Really?” Chan asks.
“Really.” Vernon shuffles a bit closer. His hand is shaking as he raises it to Chan’s cheek, and Chan realises that this conversation is just as scary for Vernon as it is for him. And then Vernon is leaning forward, and he kisses Chan softly on the lips.
It’s nothing ground-breaking, but it still feels like the start of something new. After he pulls away, he thumbs away one of the stray tears on Chan’s cheek.
“Just to clarify,” Vernon says. “This means we want to date you. All three of us dating each other. Me and Seungkwan already talked about how much we want that. Are you cool with it?”
Chan’s heart stutters in his chest. They talked about him? Wanting him? Chan laughs wetly. “I’m so cool with it.”
Vernon squeezes Chan cheek softly, in a display of unrestrained affection. He stands up.
“Come home, Chan,” Vernon says. Chan takes his hand.
---
“Chan-ah’s here,” Vernon calls as he opens the front door to the apartment.
“Chan!” Seungkwan calls out and he comes rushing into the hall. “We missed you so much,” he says, pulling Chan into a tight hug. “Have you been okay?”
“I’m okay now,” Chan replies. They break apart and Seungkwan strokes his cheek affectionately.
“You’re dating him now,” Vernon says to Seungkwan.
Seungkwan looks at Chan like he’s grown three heads. “I am?”
“Surprise,” Chan says with an awkward smile.
And then Seungkwan grins. “Finally! We’ve both liked you for so long,” he says. And then he pulls Chan into a bruising kiss. Chan’s shocked, initially, but he melts into it and kisses Seungkwan back just as hard.
They break apart and Chan drinks in Seungkwan’s face, his reddened lips, his pink cheeks, and his eyes which hold so much love.
“Chan’s staying over tonight,” Vernon says.
“Of course he is,” Seungkwan replies. “In fact, you’re never allowed to leave, Chan.”
“Fine by me,” Chan says, and he allows Seungkwan to take his hand and pull him down the hall and into the living room.
It’s late, and Seungkwan has already eaten dinner, so they all pile on the couch together.
“You have to tell me everything,” Seungkwan demands.
Vernon recounts the story, while Chan holds Seungkwan’s hand and fiddles with his knuckles.
When Vernon’s finished, Seungkwan wraps his entire body around Chan like an octopus. “I’m so sorry you felt that way. I’m never gonna leave you alone again.”
Chan giggles. “Sounds good to me.”
Seungkwan presses a kiss to the top of Chan’s head. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Chan says. “Both of you.” He looks over at Vernon and Vernon smiles down at him.
Chan has never felt more content.
“Can we talk about this?” Chan asks after a couple of minutes. “I’m sorry, I just need to know where I stand with everything. I’ve never done this before.”
“We’ve never done this before either,” Vernon says. “We can work it out as we go along.”
Chan pauses to gather his thoughts. “I-” He tries to work out what he wants to say. “I want to talk about this properly. If this all goes up in flames, I’m most likely the one who’s gonna be hurt. You guys have a much more solid relationship with each other than you have with me.”
It hurts Chan to say, but he knows it’s true. At least for now he’s the new person here. He’s the one being added.
“We can talk about it,” Seungkwan says, sitting down next to Chan.
“Have much did you guys talk about this before?” Chan asks.
“Just a bit,” Seungkwan says.
“What did you say? I want to make sure I’m on the same page as you.”
“We said that we both really like you and that if you ever showed interest in joining our relationship, we would be very happy with that,” Vernon says.
“That’s kind of it,” Seungkwan says. “It felt silly to discuss it any further when we didn’t know if anything was actually going to happen.”
“Okay,” Chan says. He stares at the floor, trying to collect his thoughts. “Am I your boyfriend? Or are we just testing this out to see how it goes?”
Chan can feel their gazes connect over his head. He tries not to squirm.
“I’d like you to be our boyfriend if that’s okay with Vernon. We’ve spent so much time together already, and we’re already boyfriends so I think that would feel most right to me.”
“I agree,” Vernon says.
“Is that okay with you, Chan-ah?” Seungkwan asks.
Chan thinks about having the both of them as his boyfriends. Nothing would be better if he’s being honest. He could hold their hands, or kiss them, or cuddle them whenever he wanted. “It’s good with me.”
Seungkwan smiles at him and pulls him into his side to hug him. “We’re gonna be the best boyfriends you’ve ever had.”
Vernon takes Chan’s hand in his and nods at him. “We will.”
“Me too,” Chan says.
Seungkwan presses a sloppy kiss to Chan’s cheek. “Good.”
“You’re gross,” Chan says, struggling to pull out of Seungkwan’s grip and wipe his cheek.
“This is not how a good boyfriend behaves!” Seungkwan says.
“Vernon, help me,” Chan cries. “He won’t let me go!”
Vernon sighs, but he has a big smile on his face, so Chan knows he isn't really bothered. He pulls Chan out of Seungkwan’s arms and onto his lap. “Be nice, Kwan-ah.” Seungkwan pokes his tongue out.
“So immature,” Chan jokes.
“And now, I’ve got you right where I want you,” Vernon says. “Come here.” Chan turns to face Vernon, suddenly very aware of his position. His cheeks flame and Vernon smirks up at him. And then he’s leaning into kiss him and the whole world slips away.
---
When they’re ready for bed, Seungkwan leads Chan to the bedroom. “You’re never sleeping on that musty air mattress again.”
Chan giggles. “Okay.”
Vernon pulls out a pair of pyjamas for him to borrow, and Chan contemplates getting changed in the bedroom before deciding that they’re not at that stage yet and escaping into the bathroom.
When he comes back, Vernon and Seungkwan are already in bed. He stares at them for a moment, a mixture of nerves and excitement churning in his stomach.
“Don’t just stand there,” Vernon says. “Get in.”
“In the middle,” Seungkwan clarifies.
Chan crawls over the bed and climbs in between them.
“This is very new,” he says.
“It is,” Vernon says.
“But it’s a good new.” Chan yawns.
“Don’t get used to it,” Seungkwan says, and Chan can hear the pout in his voice. “You’re not gonna be in the middle all the time. This is a special occasion.”
Chan laughs. “Good night.”
Seungkwan leans over and kisses him. “Good night, Channie,” he says.
Vernon does the same. “Good night.”
And Chan falls asleep the happiest he’s been in a long time.
---
Chan wakes up before Vernon and Seungkwan. He’s always been an early riser. He lies between them for a while, just looking at their peaceful sleeping faces. He can’t believe he’s here, that this is something that he gets to have. He wants to wake them up; his feelings are too much to keep to himself, but he doesn’t want to do that to them.
Instead, he decides to get up and make them breakfast.
He slips out of bed, borrows a hoodie that Vernon had left on the floor and heads to the kitchen to start working on a batch of pancakes.
When the batter is all mixed and he is almost ready to cook them, Chan feels someone sneak up behind him and wrap their arms around his middle. It’s Seungkwan, Chan can tell from the smell of his shampoo.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“I’m making you pancakes,” Chan replies.
“I wanted to wake up with you this morning,” Seungkwan whines. Chan smiles.
“I just wanted to prove that I’m useful,” Chan says.
“You don’t have to do that,” Seungkwan says, squeezing Chan tighter and pressing a kiss against his shoulder. “Just you being here with us is useful. And we’re with you because we want you, not because we need you to take care of us.” Seungkwan makes Chan turn around to face him. “Let’s go back to bed.”
Chan allows Seungkwan to lead him by the hand back to the bedroom. Chan climbs back into bed and Vernon immediately glues himself to Chan’s back and wraps an arm around his waist.
Seungkwan gets in too and Chan allows himself to relax. Even though he isn’t tired, it’s nice to be here.
At one point Polly jumps up on the bed and curls up against his stomach. Chan strokes her and she starts purring.
Seungkwan looks at him and smiles.
“I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re happy,” he says.
“I am,” Chan says.
Seungkwan leans over and kisses him softly.
---
The next few weeks are just pure bliss. Chan doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy. He starts sleeping over at least six nights a week. Vernon resumes picking him up from work, except now they hold hands as they walk home. They usually get home before Seungkwan, so they go to the gym together most days. And then when they get home, Chan and Seungkwan will start working on dinner (Vernon’s absolutely useless).
Three weeks into their relationship, Vernon asks Chan if he’d like to move in with them. “You’re here all the time anyway,” he says. “Let’s just make it official.”
“We’d love to have you move in, Channie,” Seungkwan says.
Chan doesn’t know how to respond. He wants to move in, more than anything, but moving in together is what caused his last relationship to fall apart.
“It’s closer to your work too, wouldn’t it make more sense?” Seungkwan says after Chan hasn’t said anything for a while.
“Are you okay, Chan-ah?” Vernon asks.
“I want to move in with you guys, but it’s scary,” Chan finally says.
“Why is it scary?” Seungkwan asks. “It’s not that different to what we’ve been doing already.”
Chan puts his chopsticks down. “Moving in with Jaehyun was when our relationship fell apart. I don’t want that to happen with us.”
Vernon leans over and takes Chan’s hand. “It won’t. We’re way nicer than Jaehyun and we’ve already had practice. Like Seungkwan said, it’s basically what we’ve been doing this whole time.”
Chan takes a deep breath.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Seungkwan says. “But we really want you here with us all the time.”
“He gets so pouty when you sleep at your apartment,” Vernon says.
“Shut up,” Seungkwan says.
“He does,” Vernon maintains.
“Well, Vernon won’t shut up about you. He’s constantly saying that you would like things, or that he wants to show you something or that he wishes you were here.”
Chan cracks a smile. “Seems like you really need me,” he says.
“We do,” Seungkwan says. “We’re dying here.”
“Okay, fine,” Chan says. “If you insist.”
“We do,” Vernon says.
---
That weekend, they borrow Mingyu’s car and Vernon and Seungkwan come over to Chan’s studio to move all the boxes.
“It’s so small,” Seungkwan says.
Chan shrugs.
“Did you even unpack everything?”
“No, I didn’t have space.” Chan tries to act nonchalant about it, but he aches with shame.
“Chan, you shouldn’t have been living like this. You should’ve stayed with us.”
Chan prickles. “I couldn’t keep leeching off you. And I’m a teacher, I don’t get paid enough for anything better.”
Vernon puts his hand on Seungkwan’s arm. “Just drop it. It’s fine.”
Seungkwan relents and Chan smiles at Vernon gratefully. Vernon wraps an arm around Chan and kisses the top of his head. “Shall we get started?”
Chan nods, and they start loading the stuff into Mingyu’s car.
---
When everything’s been taken out of Chan’s old apartment and the car has been returned, Seungkwan and Vernon insist on taking Chan out to dinner. Chan tries to argue, saying that he wants to start unpacking but Seungkwan and Vernon persist.
It’s nice, they go to a local burger place, but it’s nothing special. Chan doesn’t understand what the big deal is.
But when he gets home, and they walk into the living room, Chan’s bookshelf is there in the empty space on the wall. The space where Chan had always thought it would fit perfectly. The bookshelf Mingyu and Wonwoo told him that they’d sold for him.
“What?” he asks, looking at Seungkwan and Vernon.
“We know how much it means to you. Mingyu told us that you seemed super upset when it wouldn’t fit in your old apartment. And this is your home now, we want you to be as happy here as possible,” Vernon says.
“Mingyu and Wonwoo brought it over when we were at dinner,” Seungkwan says.
“I don’t know what to say,” Chan says. “Thank you.”
“We love you Chan,” Vernon says.
Chan breaks down. He spins around and pulls Seungkwan and Vernon close to him. He’s got his head pressed to Vernon’s shoulder as he sobs and Vernon and Seungkwan hug him tightly.
“It’s okay, Chan-ah, just let it out.”
Chan doesn’t know why he’s crying, really. But maybe this is the first time he’s ever felt so comforted in a relationship, so taken care of.
When he’s calmed down, he pulls back and looks at them both. “I love you guys. So much. Please don’t ever break my heart, I don’t think I could stand it.”
“Oh sweetheart,” is all Seungkwan can say before he’s pulling Chan back into his chest. Vernon strokes the back of Chan’s head.
“Let’s go to bed,” Vernon says. “It’s your first night officially living here.”
Chan laughs and Vernon leads him down the hallway.
--- Nine months later ---
“I wanted to talk to you both about something,” Chan says. He’s been thinking about this for a while, and he has to broach the topic carefully. They both turn to face him. “It’s your three-year anniversary next week, and I just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to celebrate just the two of you, that’s fine with me. I won’t be hurt.”
“What?” Seungkwan says, looking genuinely devastated.
Chan tries not to squirm. “It’s the anniversary of your relationship, not mine. I don’t mind.”
“No,” Seungkwan says. “Absolutely not. You will be there whether you like it or not.”
“Yeah,” Vernon adds. “Don’t be stupid.”
Chan frowns at him. “Hey!”
Vernon wraps his arm around his shoulder. “We haven’t even discussed whether we were going to continue celebrating that anniversary. It seems a bit weird now, because our relationship has changed. That old relationship doesn’t really exist anymore.”
“It feels weird to not celebrate it, though,” Seungkwan says. “But regardless of what we decide, we want you to be there Chan, that’s not up for discussion.”
Vernon tightens his arm around Chan’s shoulder as Chan laughs. “You sound like my mum.”
“Shut up,” Seungkwan says. “Would your mum say that?”
Chan elbows him in the ribs.
Then no one says anything for a while, trying to work out some sort of solution.
“Well,” Chan says. “I’ve never told you this, but your anniversary last year was actually when I realised I had feelings for both of you. So, it’s kind of my anniversary too.”
“Really?” Vernon asks.
“Yeah. I thought I was just jealous of your relationship, but then I stayed at Mingyu and Wonwoo’s house and I wasn’t jealous of them at all, so that’s how I figured it out.”
Seungkwan tugs Chan into a big hug. “There we go, you’re included in the anniversary too. And now we can have two anniversaries.”
“Everything works out, Chan,” Vernon says.
“Yeah,” Seungkwan says. “You’re perfect for us.”