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“I don’t understand!”
“I know.”
Rebecca met Renfield’s gaze, her eyes lost and filled with hurt. “Then help me understand.” As she begged, she walked quickly towards him and Renfield couldn’t stop himself from flinching away.
“Rebecca, I-“
“This! This is why I don’t understand, Robert!” She sunk onto the couch and put her head in her hands. “Why do you… how can you miss… him… when he’s the reason you’re like this?”
“I’m sorry.”
The police officer looked even more stumped than before, “You shouldn- I don’t know how to deal with this.”
She stood up again and sent him one last sympathetic look before slamming the door behind her.
Renfield stared at the door until he heard her car pull away from the apartment complex.
This was the 3rd time this had happened. The 3rd time he had a particularly hard day and Rebecca had left him on his own.
He couldn’t blame her. He knew he was insane for feeling this way. Maybe Doctor Seward was right about him…
No. He had to remember what Mark said. This was normal. It would get better.
When? When will it get better? His mind begged for an answer he couldn’t find.
He hated this. He hated being alone. Alone with his thoughts. Alone with no one to stop him from reaching into the hidden compartment of his wardrobe, pulling out an old fur coat of his master and wrapping around himself whilst he sobbed on the floor.
His mind subconsciously tried to reach for his old connection and when he found nothing, the emptiness in his chest stung like he was pouring salt on his wounds.
His phone buzzed.
Mark
Hey, Robert! Meeting starts in an hour if you want to stop by today!
The ex-familiar stared at the message. Maybe it was a good idea. He couldn’t just lie here by himself and sulk. He had to get out of his head.
He slowly raised himself off the floor, slipping his phone into his pocket and slid into the bathroom.
He winced at how terrible he looked in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy with dark circles underneath. His hair was disheveled and desperately needed to be cut.
The coat, still wrapped around him, made him look tiny, accentuating his slim build and swallowing his arms. Despite this, he couldn’t bring himself to take it off. He knew he should. He knew everyone would judge him. Rebecca would, if she knew. He couldn’t, though. He couldn’t take it off. Not right now.
He felt more alive wearing it. Less numb.
In a strange, convoluted way, he felt safer wearing it. Feeling closer to the person he was supposed to want to be far away from.
He did want to be far away from him. But not right now.
He was so deep in thought he barely noticed that he had left his studio apartment and was well on his way to Livespring Church.
He was about 20 minutes early when he pushed open the heavy gym doors.
The only person there was Mark, setting up the coffee machine in the corner. The kind-faced man turned when he heard the door bang shut.
His face fell when he saw Renfield enter and he quickly finished what he was doing to walk over to his friend.
“Can I hug you, Robert?” He asked, quietly.
When he received a short nod as his answer he promptly wrapped his arms around the slender man and pulled him tight.
After a few seconds, Mark felt Renfield’s body shake under his hold and his shoulder was quickly soaked in saline.
“Talk to me, buddy.” Mark requested, gently.
Renfield pried himself out of Mark’s grip and sat on the closest fold-out chair. The group leader sat down in the chair closest to him and offered his hand for the other man to take.
“I’m just having one of those days.”
“Take me through it. How are you feeling?”
“Shameful, because I miss him. Lost, because I feel like I need him. Misunderstood, ‘cause Rebecca left me, again.”
“Okay let’s take this one at a time. Why do you miss him? Remember, there’s no judgement here.”
‘I spent 90 years of my life with him. I joined him because… because I loved him and I was afraid of that feeling. I… hate that I still love him, even now. In my head, I know he was awful to me, and that I deserve more. I know I deserve love, not what I had with him. But in here,” Renfield put his free hand to his chest. “In here, all I can remember is the times where he told me he cared for me, or when we would go out together and he would show me life in high society, a life together.”
“You remember what I told you? It’s normal for you to feel like this. Love isn’t something you just get over. Even when it’s with someone who hurts you the way he did. Love is messy and complicated and it is painful like nothing else, especially when it’s manipulated like yours was. However. It will get better. I know it’s hard to imagine, particularly on days like this, but I promise you, it’s true. I can’t provide you an ETA or lie and say that healing is linear, but I will support you on every up and down. Speaking of support, tell me what happened with Rebecca.”
Renfield groaned, “She got home from work, and I was crying. She asked me what was wrong and I told her everything I just told you. She- She got all angry and-“ He cut himself off with a sniffle as emotion hit him.
“It’s alright, you can take your time.”
“She doesn’t understand how I still feel this way for him. I made it worse when I freaked out when she came towards me, but she was yelling and… it was all too much.”
“It’s not your fault you reacted that way, Robert.”
“I know. I know that. I just… Whenever something like this happens all I can think about is something he said to me. Right before we moved to New Orleans, we had a run in with some Vampire Hunters and his life was in my hands. Truly in my hands and he looked at me, dead in my eyes and told me that he was the only one who cared about me and that he was my only friend. I believed him then. A part of me still believes him now.”
“It’s not true. He wanted you to feel that way. People are easier to control when they’re alone. But you’re not alone anymore. You’ve got me. And Caitlyn, and Carol, and Karla, and Bob, even Kevin. Everyone who comes here understands you. They care about you. We’re here whenever you need us. You just have to reach out. Like you did today, by coming here. As for Rebecca, maybe you need to take some time to live your life untethered. I know you like her, but I think you need the stability that comes from being independent for a while.” People started filing in to the hall. “Think about it, okay?”
Mark squeezed his hand a final time and got up to welcome the arrivals.
Renfield stayed for the whole two hour meeting. Listening closely to his friends and accepting their hugs when it ended. Caitlyn made him promise to call her and they’d go get brunch together.
Mark caught his eye as he left. The truth was, Renfield hadn’t needed to think about it. He knew as well as Mark did that it was for the best he put his relationship with Rebecca on hold.
It was going to be hard to let her go. But it was what he needed.
He had a support network in Mark and the rest of the group.
They understood him.
They had felt his pain.
They could get through it.
Together.