Chapter Text
Dai could not force Sakumo-san to stay at his small, dilapidating house. He did not want to push too hard when Sakumo-san decided he had already overstayed his welcome, even if he was the only one that saw it that way.
Dai picked Gai up, watching Sakumo-san disappearing behind the corner. His usual uniform was gone, making him look rather odd dressed in plain, dark clothes. Kakashi was trailing behind him, skipping a little on his short legs and tugging on his father’s shirt.
Sakumo hoped they would not attract too much attention on their way to the house. Maybe he would even blend in without wearing the shinobi gear… He did not want to test his luck, so he kept his eyes trained on the ground in front of him, counting his steps. Even so, he could hear the voices of people who recognized him. Some even laughed. Sakumo expected as much. Not only he defied the orders, he also cowardly tried to take his own life and failed. No wonder he refused to carry out that order since he was not able to make that one kill that really mattered.
The cabinets in the Hatake’s household were either empty or its content had to be thrown away. It had been too long since anyone was home. How could Sakumo forget? He turned slowly, watching his son running around the place and opening all the windows – the place needed a good airing. Kakashi was sensitive to smells, so even if Sakumo did not even notice how heavy the air was, his boy was quick to fix it.
“Are you hungry now?” Sakumo asked, forcing himself to open his mouth. His voice was a little hoarse, so he cleared his throat.
“No.” Kakashi shook his head, speed walking to the bathroom. They had snacks with Gai, and they also left after dinner. His stomach was full – maybe later he would like something to nibble on.
Sakumo only sighed, relieved and dropped his shoulders. He did not have to drag himself outside once again to buy groceries or to cook anything – not that he was ever good at it. His five years old kid was doing a better job at it than he was. If he was all by himself, Sakumo would simply get a take-out or supply his pantry with precooked meals. He could cook if he had to, but opted out whenever he could. It was rather embarrassing, so he never admitted to it out loud, but preparing meals from scratch would usually appear to him as if it was a slimy creature with multiple heads, squatting somewhere in the kitchen drawers. Whenever he managed to cut one head off (plan the meal), many more would appear (go to the store and get groceries, then get back home, unpack everything, wash the fresh produce, chop and mix the ingredients- The heads were countless). Sakumo did not mind eating the same thing over and over again on days, even weeks in the row. Luckily, Kakashi seemed to share that sentiment. For both of them it would usually be rice balls. Relatively quick and easy to make, not many ingredients is needed, can make them in bulk and then store for later… And they could be bought in any convenient store.
After a moment of mindless staring in the distance, Sakumo slowly walked to his bedroom. Dai-san mentioned he did what he could to get rid of the stain in the middle of the floor. Sakumo had a hard time coming up with a way to get rid of blood from a tatami mat – and yet there it was. Not even a drop. Cleaning it out must had been simply impossible; a piece of the floor he decided to bleed out on had a clearly different color. It was replaced. Oh dear… One day Sakumo would pay him back for the material and the trouble. But perhaps not tomorrow and not on the day after. He needed time alone to decompress and hopefully become one with the floor.
Kakashi creeped up from behind and leaned on the wall.
“Are you tired?” he asked quietly before Sakumo could act on his wishes. The last time they did something together with dad was when his father was helping him and Gai with shurikens. Sakumo would rarely speak since, focused on something going on in his head. He would almost not speak to Kakashi or anyone else, just sitting and staring in the distance, lost in his thoughts. Kakashi had always knew his father was a quiet person, but it felt different now. It was making him nervous and a little bit scared too. He was not going to tell anyone, of course, because a young ninjutsu genius like himself could not be scared! The truth was, more than anything, Kakashi wanted things to be normal again. Like when he started the Academy and dad would pick him up after classes, from school or the playground and teachers were not mean to him out of nowhere.
“I- Yeah, a little.” Sakumo stirred, snapping out of the zone. “Go get washed up, it’s late. You’ve got classes tomorrow.” He still could not bring himself to look at his son.
With a nod and a sad sigh, Kakashi disappeared, failing to contain his disappointment. He did not care about school, he could already do all of the ninjutsu they were learning. More than that, he could do techniques even gennins would struggle with! Kakashi wanted to spend time with his dad instead – Sakumo was rarely home during the day, and now that he was, he would not want to do anything. He had no interest in training or working on tactics, hunched over maps and plans like he normally would. But the worst of it all was that dad would barely look at him or talk to him anymore. Kakashi knew he did not do anything wrong to upset him so much into barely acknowledging him, and yet… Maybe he did? Was it about the pranks he was doing with Asuma? Was he too fussy with bath time or something dad cooked, or perhaps Kakashi was that bad at wielding the tanto?
Sakumo could not wait for Kakashi to go to bed. Or to the Academy – anywhere really, just far from him, so he could finally be alone. Kakashi was never very loud or energetic, but ever since Sakumo survived the failed attempt, he was easily irritated. Mostly on the inside; the anger was not really able to find its way outside. He did not have enough energy for anything… Even breathing felt like too much.
Sakumo laid down on the floor, directly on the freshly installed piece of flooring, his eyes stuck on the ceiling. Being flattened on the ground was not the most comfortable situation – especially for his surprisingly old bones, considering his career choices – but the connection between his brain and limbs must had been severed. He could not move even if he wanted to, weighted down by the heavy emptiness in his chest. Ah, at least he would not have to chase Pup into the bathtub… He could hear the water running and splashing. Thank Gods for the small miracles.
In the last months everything seemed off. Nothing would really cut it for him, or so it seemed. Everything seemed like a waste of time and energy, so Sakumo would ended up not doing anything for hours at time. Motionlessly watching the sun beam traveling across the wall, and then the deepening darkness of the evening. Sakumo could not even find the words to describe the state he was in. He wished he could be frustrated with himself, but he could not bring himself to it. Nothing made sense. Nothing mattered. He was not really living, he was merely surviving day after day. He would cry but his eyes were stubbornly dry, even if he made a point of drinking enough water or torturing himself with every dark, sour thought he could muster. Nothing. Not a single drop. Not even when he was thinking about her… Sakumo wanted to scream, but his body was turned off even if he wished to rip his hair out to get himself out of that numbness. Whenever he felt like doing something – anything! Please… - and actually sat down to it, that was it. The light was out again.
Lost in his thoughts once more, Sakumo did not hear barefoot, little steps eventually making their way out of the bathroom. Kakashi loomed in the door for a while – Sakumo’s eyes were closed. The boy probably decided his dad was asleep, as his presence disappeared and showed up a bit further away in the sound of the door sliding open. Soon after that Kakashi found his way into Sakumo’s room again.
“…Dad?” whispered a tiny voice not even a full minute later. “You’re sleeping?”
There was no answer. Good to know Sakumo was able to hate himself even more at the moment. Kakashi did not go back to his room, however. Instead, he sneaked up to his dad and curled up against his side. The boy’s movements were slow and careful as he was clearly trying to not wake Sakumo up. His stealth was not half bad considering his age.
Sakumo pressed his lips in a tight line, hoping to chase away the sudden stinging in his eyes. He stared at the ceiling again, trying to focus only at the small warmth pressed against his shoulder. The dim light from the outside was pouring through the window, gently washing over them in an almost orange wave. Sakumo slowly turned his head just enough to sneak a peek at his boy – he was facing him, his masked, round cheek was squashed against his shoulder. With his eyes closed, Kakashi was holding his teddy close to his chest. His breathing was quiet and even, but Sakumo was not a fool – Kakashi was not sleeping. He stirred when Sakumo adjusted himself so he could raise his hand and pull the boy into a proper hug. Kakashi took it immediately, sneaking his arms and legs around dad’s torso the best he could.
When was the last time his little kid sneaked up to cuddle with him?
“What’s the meaning of this?” asked Sakumo quietly. “I thought we agreed long ago you’re a big boy. Big boys sleep in their own beds.”
“I am a big boy,” Kakashi agreed in a loud whisper. “And I’m not in your bed.”
Sakumo scratched Kakashi’s head, making a bigger mess of his already unruly hair. Sachiko had it exactly the same, although her was dark brown and not much longer than Kakashi’s. Sakumo should send him away to his room.
“Do you want to stay?” he asked instead. Kakashi nodded. “Alright. But not on the floor, you’ll catch a cold.”
Together they rolled out the futon and ended up under the covers. That time Kakashi decided to climb on top of his dad and splayed himself flat on his chest. He pressed his cheek to Sakumo’s collarbone, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat – just like when he was just an infant, comforted by the regular thumps under his head. Placing him right atop his heart where he could listen to it always worked wonders with soothing the boy since he was born.
Sakumo dug his legs out from the covers. It was a warm, summer night and his son was a small heater warming him up. With a sigh, he rested his palm on Kakashi’s back. He hung his gaze on the window, once again letting his mind wander. That time, however, Sakumo kept catching himself focusing on the small boy breathing on his neck. Sakumo did not notice when he dozed off as well, lulled to sleep.
“…and it exploded!” Obito made a big, dramatic gesture with both arms and fixed his googles. Rin giggled, listening to her friend’s cooking story in which he blew up a pot with milk. His Grandma swore to never let him in the kitchen again and chased him around with a rag!
Kakashi stared at them without really noticing it, fiddling with a piece of paper. He was bored and restless, covering the whole page with doodles as he could not bring himself to pay attention in class. The pause was about to end in a couple of minutes and Kakashi wanted to go home already. Maybe he should leave a shadow clone behind and sneak out? He wanted to go to his dad, he had been acting weird and Kakashi could not pin point out why he was feeling anxious since dad came back from that unplanned mission. He was also treated differently by his teachers, people on the streets would give him funny looks too. It started months ago, but in the last couple weeks it was so much worse.
On the seat on his right side, Asuma sat up suddenly. Blinking slowly, he looked around. He had some scribbles pressed on his cheek he rested on his notes.
“Who exploded?” he asked with a yawn.
Kakashi shrugged with one shoulder.
“Probably Obito.”
“Huh. Makes sense.” Asuma wiped his nose and looked around. With a sigh, he looked at the clock on the wall. “Uh… Two more hours?”
“M-hm.” Kakashi started carefully folding a sheet of paper.
“And it’s… Bo-oring…” Asuma yawned again and with a pained groan, he rested his forehead on the desk again. The crisp sound of the school bell called for every student to go back to the classroom and take their seats. Asuma did not move, and Kakashi kept slowly folding the paper sheets. Some time ago he figured out how to make paper shurikens. He had made many of them ever since, quite often finding himself needing to do something with his hands. It was better than picking on his nails or seams of his clothes.
The teacher – a young, tall man with freckled face and some scars on his lips and forearms – as usual checked the attendance list and without a warning, he started asking questions about the topics they had covered during the last couple weeks. If he wanted the children to pay attention and study he had to test their knowledge. The best way to accomplish his goal was to catch them by surprise.
Asuma turned his head so he could stare up-close at what Kakashi was doing. He grabbed one of the shurikens – Kakashi had already made three – and straightened up. The boys exchanged glances and without a word, both agreed it was a good moment to try them out. Their teacher had turned his back on the classroom, sketching a chakra diagram for Ebisu to describe, so Kakashi picked his target and threw his origami at Uchiha’s head. He was resting his forehead on the counter. Obito was either already dozing off, or praying to not be asked any questions.
“Ow!” Obito squawked, jolting up when something smacked him right under his google’s band. “Present!”
The teacher slowly turned towards him, chalk in hand.
“I’m aware,” he said slowly. “But I’m glad you’re so eager to share your knowledge with the class.”
Obito slowly sad down – Kakashi could see from his spot that the boy’s ears got all red as he started going through his poorly written notes. Asuma snickered quietly and aimed his shuriken at Ibiki, who was busy staring outside through the window. The boy turned sharply, looking around to see who was messing with him. Kakashi held his stare like nothing happened, fixing another set of paper shurikens. Still watched by him, Kakashi tossed one more at Obito. Asuma sent another one straight at head of one of the girls sitting in the front of the class.
“I suggest that whoever thinks this is funny to reconsider!” the teacher raised his voice, but did not call any names. He knew it was Asuma, but he was not going to publicly call out the son of the Lord Third. Kakashi, on the other hand… Being exceptionally skilled in the shinobi arts were not a reason to not pay attention in his class! That kid was too full of himself and finally had no name to hide behind, not anymore. Not since his father turned out to be not only traitor, but a pathetic coward too. He turned to face the class. It was time to teach the kid a lesson.
“Kakashi. Stand up.”
A little surprised, Kakashi did just that. It was not usual for him to be called out in class like that.
The teacher tapped the blackboard a couple times. He did not mind having to repeat information or instructions multiple times for not the greatest students. But he did have a lit of issues with “know-it-all” type of kids. Only a fool would not acknowledge that Kakashi was a talented boy, and he would achieve many great things if only he stopped messing around during his lessons.
“You seem to already know it all. Why don’t you share your great wisdom with the class?” he asked slowly, eyeing the kid with a hint of annoyance.
“We all should know it,” Kakashi noticed innocently. “We had it last week.”
“Go on then.” The teacher crossed arms on his chest, raising his eyebrows. “What’s on the board?”
Kakashi turned his head to the side, and then to the other.
“A drawing of chakra networks and inner gates.” He scratched his cheek. Kakashi was not a skilled artist either, but he could still tell if a drawing was a good one or quite the opposite. “A bad one.”
The teacher pressed his lips in a thin line as a whisper of muffled giggles ran through the room. Kakashi shuffled on his feet, watching the man taking a big inhale to berate him for his cheekiness.
He really should had sneaked out and leave that clone behind.
Kakashi knew for a fact that his dad was at home – he did not go outside since they got back from Gai’s house. Once again he did not show up to pick Kakashi up from the Academy like he would used to. If Sakumo was late to get his kid from the Academy, he would go to the playground instead. Kakashi was not going to spend half of the afternoon on the swing that time. If it was any other day, he would had listen to the teacher and wait, but not that time. The teacher, no matter how annoyed, was easy to get past. He already stepped on his toes that day by tossing around the origami shurikens. All Kakashi had to do was to get him busy with something else for a couple of minutes – using a transformation technique to turn into one of his classmates and run up to him all bothered about a fight behind the school did the trick. His teacher hurried in the pointed direction, and Kakashi was free to leave. He had to stop off by the grocery store. Dad for sure did not get out for food…
Kakashi was staring at one of the tomatoes he was holding, trying to decide which one put in his basket when a familiar voice hollered in the shop.
“KA-KA-SHII!” Gai grinned at him in his partially toothless smile, jumping up to him. “Teacher got so mad! You disappeared!” He ignored all the heads turning in his direction. He was not exactly a fan of the man, as he never made any attempt to stop the class from laughing at Gai when he messed up his clones during ninjutsu practice. So that stunt his Rival pulled suited the mean teacher just right!
Kakashi turned to look at his friend, who was speed-walking at him – no running in the store, Gai, be nice! – and waving. Dai-san leaned from behind the shelves.
“Ah, Kakashi-kun!” The man smiled at him, following his son. “There you are. I was wondering if your father had already picked you up!” Dai looked around, as if hoping to spot Sakumo.
“He didn’t,” corrected him Kakashi.
“The left one looks better,” said Gai at the same time, pointing at one of the tomatoes. Kakashi placed it in the basked, and the other ended up back in the cardboard box on the vegetable rack.
Dai frowned, and crouched in front of the boy.
“He didn’t show up again?” he asked, lowering his voice. Kakashi shook his head. “How is he doing?”
Kakashi shrugged, not looking directly at him. His moustache was Kakashi’s go-to when it came to looking at Dai-san’s face when he was addressing him.
Dai hummed in response, nodding. He rubbed at his chin, scratching the stubble. With a big smile, he put his hand on Kakashi’s shoulder.
“Alright then! Let’s get those groceries and walk you home, boy!” Dai stood up and ruffled Kakashi’s hair.
“Let’s go, Rival! I have a list- I challenge you to get your groceries faster!” Kakashi shrugged at the suggestion. It would speed up the exhausting ordeal of making groceries, and he could beat him in another game.
With a sigh, Dai watched the boys rush between shelves. Just as he expected, Sakumo-san was not out of the woods. Dai did not want to push too hard against any boundaries and tried to keep his distance, just checking in from afar instead. They were not close friends, it was not his place to intervene, but he could not just stand and watch the tragedy unfolding before his eyes!
“So, what’s your plan for dinner, Kakashi-kun?” asked Dai curiously when all three of them were walking down the street, and both Kakashi and Gai finally stopped arguing over the score. Gai refused to accept his defeat. Dai did not notice the kid getting anything but some vegetables and a bag of rice – what Gai loudly pointed out, affronted by Kakashi’s ridiculously short shopping list. What kind of poor challenge was that if Kakashi had only bought five things?! Of course he would get them faster – it does not count as a lost one then. If they did not get the same amount of items in their baskets, they could not compete in doing it faster than the other one!
Kakashi raised his shoulders in a shrug.
“I wanted to go fishing.”
“Ah, a wonderful idea! Nothing tastes better than the fish you caught by yourself!”
Gai gasped loudly, clenching his little fists.
“ We should go together and see who can catch more!” Gai pointed at him. “That way we can settle this. No more cheating, Rival! I can bet I’ll do better.”
Kakashi squinted at him.
“That is untrue.”
“It IS true until you prove me wrong!”
“Can you even fish?”
“Can I even fish?” Gai stopped and tossed his hair back. “Rival. I am the master of fishing. I built my fishing rod with my bare hands!”
“It means nothing. Because I made mine by myself too.” Kakashi pointed at himself with his thumb.
“Very well.” Gai nodded seriously. “We’ll settle this with fishing competition!”
Dai laughed, shaking his head. The boys sent themselves away from home, and he could have a talk with Sakumo.
“That’s the spirit, boys!”
Sakumo was simply tired. Should anyone bothered to ask, it probably would had been his answer. It was easier to oversimplify the odd state he was in, than trying to explain. He was exhausted and tired of being tired. He could sleep through the night on good days when he managed to fall asleep in the first place, and would still wake up feeling like he stayed up all night. Sitting around and doing nothing was its own kind of torture, while trying to get up and to something - anything -seemed impossible.
Sakumo was trapped inside his body. It would not listen to him. He would try to convince it to move with no luck at all. Which itself was ridiculous, he was not under any form of mind controlling technique or poisoned. But it surely did feel like it.
He was angry too. With himself, with the Village, his two-faced friends, with his son. Sometimes he would caught himself regretting to ever agreeing to have a child... Ah, Sakumo would even had moments of being angry with his love for leaving him behind. Not that she had planned it, naturally. He could not help having those hateful thoughts, filling him with misplaced anger.
Sakumo flinched when he heard someone by the front door. With a frown, he strained his neck to look at the time. He did not notice it was that late already, shit- Kakashi was back. And he was not alone, Gai was chattering about something but he could not get out the words because Dai-san was talking at the same time. A moment later the kids ran outside. However Dai-san did not assume Sakumo had left. He excused himself for intruding and walked further in the house.
Sakumo counted his steps, listening in a dreadful silence as the other man approached the room he was hiding in.
The silence between them was heavy and somehow also loud. Sakumo felt like he should say something – at least a greeting. He was trapped in his own body. Nobody could hear him screaming and banging fists on the walls.
“You wish it worked out, right, Sakumo-san? And I assume you’re upset with me for coming over when I did and dragging you to the hospital.” Dai-san spoke softly yet loudly, not discouraged by the silence. He closed the door behind him and approached his poor, miserable friend. “You wish you were dead.” It was not a question.
Sakumo could only sigh, closing his eyes. It sounded harsh when spoken out loud.
“What’s going on in your head now?” Dai shifted a bit on his spot he took on the floor, arm’s length from Sakumo. He sat on his knees, looking at the other man laying on the floor. The room needed airing.
“…s’not worth saying.” Sakumo cleared his throat and tried again. “It’s not worth saying out loud. Some nonsense.”
“Whatever you call it, I believe it does give you extreme ideas.”
There was no answer.
Dai sighed, rubbing his neck.
“Humor me, Sakumo-san. Most likely I won’t be able to help in any way but just offering a listening ear. It can be a surprising lot and sound cliché, but. You’re not alone in here. So, let’s start from the most vague thing you can think of. How are you?”
Voices of Kakashi and Gai were reaching them from the outside; their laugh rang out in the pause between Dai’s words. Sakumo tightly shut his eyes as if it was going to help to block the sounds out. Such a lovely thing to hear, a happy giggle of his baby boy roaming outside. Kakashi was the only thing left in the world worth fighting for. More than anything Sakumo wanted him to just be happy, so what the hell was he doing, stuck on the floor and locking himself away… How was he, really?
“How are you,” repeated Sakumo slowly. It was the most usual, polite question. But just the fact, the stark realization that the only person that would inquiry that in months was sitting right there. Not long ago he and Dai-san would only exchange a nod at most when they were passing each other on the street. The laughing stock of the Village, Maito Dai. The eternal Gennin. The clown. Probably the last person in the Village with enough empathy left to actually care. He was… He was the only one to ask him how was doing. Just that genuine concern was enough to make Sakumo’s breath stagger and choke him out a bit with a suddenly tight throat. What was the deal with feelings – he could not even name whatever it was that he was feeling, but he simply did not want it anymore. He cleared his throat once more and forced himself to answer.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore.” Sakumo could feel his eyes sting with tears the second the confession left his lips. He said it. It was as humiliating as it was liberating. The following silence felt abrupt and heavy, but his chest raised with an inhale with almost forgotten ease.
“I see.” Dai slowly nodded. He was very much not equipped to deal with such situation. The stakes were extremely high, but if anything had become clear during the past months, that there was nobody else for that job. Dai had to brace himself and carefully navigate that conversation.
“…I’m just tired,” Sakumo added eventually, testing how it would make him feel. “Not as I didn’t sleep enough.”
“I know that kind of tired,” admitted Dai. “It does not exactly help with having heavy thoughts and… Extreme ideas.”
“You don’t seem the type.”
“Well- I don’t exactly have a choice, don’t I? I’m not alone in the world.” Dai turned towards the window. Judging by the sounds, their sons were in the middle of a punching contest. It looked like they got distracted and completely forgot about the fishing. “I simply must do what I can to not poison Gai’s little heart with bitterness. Fake it till you make it!” Dai raised his thumb. “And confuse the hell out of everybody while you do so. I just don’t want him to be crushed by it… Like I once was. Like you are now.” Dai scratched his cheek. “So… Perhaps if you let yourself say all of the dark and heavy out loud, you find yourself breathing a bit easier. It sounds ridiculous, but when I started going out in the woods and screaming out all the things happening in my head… It was honestly a very liberating feeling. You should try it.”
“Fine. You asked.” A loud breath in and out and Sakumo took just a moment to gather his thoughts. They did not make much sense, so perhaps there was no use of trying to force them into something easier to listen to. He only had to say them out loud, right? Just vocalizing the tangled mess from within was supposed to help, even if he does not have the power to go outside and yell his pain and anger for the trees to hear. “I’m tired of life and I’m tired of being tired. I can sleep all night or not at all, I’m still exhausted. Not just physically, it’s like my head is completely worn out. I’d care, but I can’t. It’s like I’m trapped inside and screaming, shut in out there in plain sight but nobody sees it. I’m- I’m broken.” Sakumo’s breath hitched, but he forced himself to continue. He could not look at Dai-san. He was not even sure if he could stop talking even if he tried now that he started. He was not sure what was worse, keeping it all tramped inside or punching a crack in the dam. “I. am. Sinking. Like hell, sure, I DO have a boat, but it has holes in the bottom and there’s water inside. And I’ve been giving it all to pour it out to not drown, mindlessly swinging the buckets. I don’t know why I even do this – why did I keep doing this for so long? - but I can’t stop because I don’t deserve to take a break. I can’t take a break. I shouldn’t need a break in the first place. It’s… exhausting. Sometimes I get angry with being hopeless, but the bottom line is, I’m tired.” Sakumo took a long, shuddering breath. He rubbed at his eyes so hard it made him see colorful splotches.” I- I am... Barely breathing, and I can’t bring myself to care most of the time. Last months- Last years… I’d go out there, tend to my meaningless assassination gigs, get another blood shower, go back to my place to just… Toss around all night with death inside my head, while my son is sleeping in the next room. Rinse and repeat. I don’t even want it, I don’t care.”
“You never learned how to rest either, huh…” Dai knew he was a hypocrite for saying that, but it did not matter at the moment. Neither of them had the luxury of slowing down when they were the only one’s to protect and nurture their sons.
“I’ve been too busy living up to the expectations. I was a smart kid, I was talented, so big stuff were expected from me.” Sakumo was almost surprised at how bitter he sounded. He could almost taste the acid dripping from the words. It was almost absurd to complain at his gifts and success as a shinobi to someone who struggled to stay at the lowest level. “And there it was, as predicted, all the grandiose secured me a title I couldn’t care less about. Because… In the end, we’re all disposable. We’re not humans to them, we’re simply pawns and blades easy to discard the second they stop being useful.”
“It does feel like it,” agreed Dai quietly. The Shinobi system was flawed, as any thing far from ideal, yet not many had the courage to challenge it. Perhaps that was part of the reason of was happening to Sakumo-san now. It was not just the fact that he refused to carry out an order. He openly challenged the status quo. Lives of his comrades were worth more than the goal of the mission. Sakumo was not abandoned because he intentionally failed the mission – he defied the orders. He refused to make that sacrifice, and now he was paying the price. He had to be ostracized and shun out, exclude from the community.
Sakumo was being a warning to everyone who was watching.
Nobody came to help when he crumbled and crushed under the weight of the shame. It was exactly what they wanted. Killing Sakumo would raise questions and possibly even defiance among the thinned out by war, exhausted military force of the Village. But if it was Sakumo who wielded the blade that took his life… It would just be an example of what happens to those who defy the order of commands. Sakumo was an honorable man, and with some careful guidance and peer pressure from people who used to trust him and look up to him…
The Shinobi rules were absolute.
Sakumo had to go. He was a threat to the Village, he was dangerous with his willingness to step down and refuse orders against his own beliefs and moral code. It was troublesome enough if some low-level shinobi would try to argue back and force their view. Those would never stick, shunned and smothered before finding their voice. But when someone like Sakumo was rebelling, someone with his name and reputation… Someone like him openly saying that there was a different way, that the Code was not absolute. That Shinobi Conduct was not a law or the word of God, but rather guidelines to keep certain people out and serve to shinobi in trying times instead of being blindly followed.
They could not allow that attitude to stick and spread among his comrades, teammates and people who used to be his friends. It could poison the shinobi system in Konoha and threaten the council, their decisions and integrity-
Dai was nobody. Sakumo-san used to be admired and was feared by nations, but now, in the eyes of his own people, he was nothing.
They were both just a couple of losers at the bottom of the Village’s social ladder.
“Well- Sakumo-san. I’m not sure yet what to do to help. But I can bet you’ve been kicking yourself in your head heavily lately, so… Since I firmly believe vocalizing you thoughts is a tremendous help in processing them and dealing with emotions, I’ll say out loud what you’ve been telling yourself but won’t admit it.”
Sakumo turned his head a bit to get a better look at him as Dai leaned over him.
“You’re a loser, Sakumo-san. Your life is wrecked, and you lost your way.” With a grin, Dai pushed a thumbs up right in his face. “But at least you’re not alone! We’re both losers. We should stick together! In that way things may end up differently!”
Sakumo just blinked.
“Being told that eating shit together somewhere in a pitch full of despair is what we should do, is not what I expected to hear,” he admitted eventually.
Dai let out a loud laugh, shaking his head.
“And we’re going to be KIND to ourselves about it! If bullying yourself into getting better were to work, you wouldn’t have that headspace anymore! So I challenge you to be kind to yourself! I’m already ahead with that one. When I feel something difficult, like sadness, grief or anger- I allow myself to feel it. I’m a human being! I have emotions! They exist for a reason. I cry when I feel like crying, I punch some trees when I’m pissed. And you’ve got lots of emotions to feel out without running from them. No distracting yourself is allowed from now!”
“…Right. Don’t mind me randomly bursting into tears,” deadpanned Sakumo.
“Take a long, hot shower when you feel like it’s coming. Nothing hits like crying in the shower does. Or, if you’d prefer an excuse… We can rent a sad movie. I can pretend I don’t see anything, so you could have your good ugly cry over some snacks and a heartbreaking story.”
Sakumo only shook his head. He almost chuckled, but it did not want to come out.
“Right. I’ll bring take-out.”
“And I’ll take care of the movie!” Dai beamed, presenting a double thumbs-up. He could see the amused glimmer in his miserable friend’s eyes. They were getting somewhere even if he was going to have to drag him kicking and screaming! “If the move won’t make you tear up, I’ll have onions ready. We’ll drain that pond of pain one way or another!”
Now, that made Sakumo laugh.