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Is ist fair, or is ist fate?

Summary:

"San-ah... you have cramps too, don't you? Here?" Wooyoung put a hand on his abdomen, gently stroking the skin that felt so strangely taut, as if it was no longer big enough for him.
San nodded.

"Do you think... you and Hongjoong... did you...? You know? Are you guys any further along in your relationship? Have you guys...gotten closer physically?" Wooyoung's tone was embarrassed. When San opened his eyes, he noticed that Wooyoung's face was flushed.

"What do you mean? Why does it matter now, of all times?" Wooyoung sighed and leaned closer to San, pushing the latter's legs back down from their position so he could climb into San's lap and press his nose against San's neck. It tickled as Wooyoung took a deep breath and slid his nose along San's sensitive skin.

"San-ah, could it be that you're pregnant?"

Notes:

I have nothing to say… just some more HongSan 😇

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"San-ah, are you all right?" Wooyoung bent over him and put a hand to his cheek while San slowly rubbed his abdomen in circles. It had started a few days ago that he kept experiencing pain and cramps. San had tried not to let on, but Wooyoung was perceptive. It was no wonder. They had known each other for years and had always been very close. The omega was his best friend for a long time and therefore he was of course the first to notice that something was wrong. The fact that it had been just the two of them living in the small van for a few weeks, after they had inevitably had to separate from the others... 

 

"It's all right, Young-ah. Just a little stomach ache.", he said and forced a tired smile on his lips. 

In truth, he had been feeling weak for some time. He was often dizzy, often nauseous in the morning... Then there were the cramps and he was often tired, no matter how long he slept and no matter how much caffeine he drank. 

 

San was sure that it was nothing serious. After all, even as a child he had not been particularly susceptible to diseases or the like. Maybe it was just the weather. Since they had been in Strictland, many things had been strange, and especially since they had been exposed to the strange fumes in this junkyard, San believed that something was wrong with all of them. 

However, the weirdness of a yellow mist was probably far less relevant than that they had met their doppelgangers and had to save the world from a nasty force that forbade art and music. 

 

"If you say so..." muttered Wooyoung, turning away. He climbed further into the back of the van and leaned against the wall that separated the back from the cab. It was unusual for Wooyoung to give up so quickly, being like a fox that stuck its nose down a rabbit hole until it was finally bitten and forced to retreat, whimpering. 

But perhaps he sensed that San did not want to talk about it. San was frightened by his own body. The beta didn't feel comfortable, as if his skin was suddenly too tight for him, as if it was compressing all his flesh, blood and bones, as if he were wearing an uncomfortable corsage all over his body that was laced far too tightly. Breathing became difficult for him.








San had a fight that same evening. Wooyoung had tried to keep him from competing, as San had felt more and more dizzy as the hour wore on. He had strange ravenous appetites, but had hardly kept anything he had eaten down.

However, he had to compete. They needed the money. It was his job and the others relied on him and Wooyoung to do their thing. They all had a plan, had a task, and their team wouldn't work if everyone didn't do their best.

San had to compete; for their team...for Hongjoong.

 

He got all melancholic at the thought of the alpha. He missed Hongjoong, even though it hadn't been too long since they had seen each other, he missed his intense gaze, his touch, and his scent of freshly ground coffee and dark chocolate, tart yet sweet when melted on the tongue. 

He longed for him, his insides consumed by Hongjoong's burning passion, by his intimate embrace. Hongjoong had promised him that they would become mates as soon as they were reunited, as soon as they had accomplished their mission, and as soon as the danger was no longer so great. 

They had been toying with the idea for a long time, had been on the verge of taking the bite a few times, but had hesitated again and again. In their now very uncertain and dangerous life, it was difficult to pursue a private relationship. Especially when it involved the acting leader of a small rebel group and his most expensive tool. 

 

But everything in San cried out for his alpha. As a beta, he had a less strong connection to his wolf than an alpha or omega would have. He was sure that it must be much worse for Hongjoong, even if this time it felt much more cruel for San than all the other times they had had to separate from each other to pursue their missions or other things. 

Hongjoong and he hadn't seen each other for almost four weeks now, and San had never felt his inner wolf going in circles so much, pining for the alpha's gentle touch. 




As San stood in the ring that evening, he had a rare moment of clarity. The adrenaline pumping through his veins made him see his opponent sharply in front of him, made him forget his failing health. At least until he received the first blow...

 

Wooyoung stood anxiously at the edge of the ring, watching, unable to intervene. There were few rules in an illegal fight, but third parties were never allowed to participate, never allowed to enter the field until one was down. 

 

Blood ran from San's nose, streaked along his chin. The drops collected for a moment before ultimately falling down and staining his white shirt. Red, red like cherries fresh from the tree. Red like strawberries, fresh from the bush. Red, as red as blood should be. 

As if in a trance, San wiped the liquid away and stared at the sullied bandages on his hands. Something about the sight fascinated him, somehow he had the impression as if his blood must have a different color, as if his body was so internally corroded that it was not normal, how usual his blood looked.

 

San did not see the blow of his opponent coming. He had heard Wooyoung shouting behind him, had vaguely and subconsciously perceived his voice, but before his brain had processed the information, a fist had already hit him in the face. 

 

San staggered back, catching himself on the ropes in the corner where Wooyoung stood ready with water and a towel. He was breathing heavily, his gaze hazy. At that moment, he couldn't even have described what his opponent even looked like. 

He was breathing heavily. It felt like the air was getting into his lungs through a clogged filter, like not enough was reaching him at the right time. The dizziness was back.

He bit his lip and tried to swallow the uneasy feeling that had crept up on him. Something was wrong. Something was wrong with his body. Something would make him lose the fight, disappoint Hongjoong. He could not let that happen. 

 

Wooyoung said something, but San had trouble understanding him. It wasn't until he felt a gush of water run over his face, as he nearly sucked in the cool water through his nose and coughed, that he managed to focus on Wooyoung.

 

"San-ah! Concentrate! Use your skills, hit him, kick him! You have to finish this quickly, you're not well." San smiled wrily when he heard that. He was truly not well, but he could not give up now. No one would let him out of the ring. It was one of the rules, one of the really firm rules.

 

No one left the ring until one was down.

 

San didn't want to know what the consequences would be of trying to get out early, of spoiling the fun for all those who got pleasure out of watching two people fight to the point of passing out. San hated it.

He had never been a fan of senseless fights, had never found pleasure in inflicting pain on anyone. As a child, he had already learned to defend himself, even if he had hoped at that time never to have to use it. 

He had always dreamed of being big and strong, of being a protector for all those he loved. At that time he had still hoped to become an alpha, had identified himself most with the subgender, but he was not a leader, not a chief, not one who aspired to the top, to power. However, he was also not submissive enough to be considered an omega (not that all omegas were submissive, after all, Wooyoung was quite feisty).

 

It was good that he had become a beta, it fit. Still, he had already spent at least half of his life working to steel his body, to protect, to be helpful, to maybe be a little scary, so that there wouldn't be any major conflicts in the first place. 

Fighting did not suit him. Hongjoong had known that, they had talked about it for a long time, had almost argued, but San understood the other's motives. No one would be able to fulfill his role, no one except perhaps Mingi. 

But MIngi was too impetuous, unrestrained. Mingi... might do something he would regret for the rest of his life. They simply could not allow that, not when innocent lives were at stake.






Wooyoung patted him on the cheek and forced him to focus. San took one deep breath and shook his head before forcing himself back to his feet. They felt a little shaky under him, but San was sure he could trust them now that it mattered. 

 

The nausea was getting worse. San knew he had only this one chance. One kick; only one kick would he have at his disposal to take out his opponent. That was all he would get through. 

He clasped one of his fists with his other hand and let his knuckles crack before switching hands and simultaneously craning his neck to relieve that as well. The sound was loud in his ears, ever so slightly eerie, as if he were only a brief moment away from breaking his neck. But it felt good, felt like things were being straightened out that weren't where they belonged. 

 

He inhaled, took his stance, sharp eyes fixed on his opponent. A step, a movement San perceived, and he moved himself, spinning on his axis. 

His opponent did not see it coming. A moment he had lunged to strike, San had already kicked him directly in the face and he flew to the ground. 

 

Wooyoung came storming into the ring, grinning broadly, and began to count the seconds that the man lay on the ground, while San himself was only interested in keeping himself on his feet, not to make a fool of himself in front of all these people.

Wooyoung grabbed one of his hands and jerked his arm up in the air, proclaiming his victory. But San no longer had it in him to rejoice. He was fighting fatigue, nausea, dizziness, fighting his own body. He knew it wasn't normal, knew that normally he didn't have to let himself be dragged behind Wooyoung like this so they could pick up the money and leave. 





It could only have been minutes before they found themselves back in the van and Wooyoung drove them away. It was dangerous to stay near the battle sites. You never knew when such a club would be busted, and they couldn't be caught under any circumstances, couldn't jeopardize the mission. 

San had perceived everything through a clouded veil, not realizing they were in the van until it was ready to move and his head was pressed into the soft cushion beneath him as Wooyoung rounded a bend. It smelled familiar, of him and of Wooyoung. He missed the rest of their pack, missed the old times. 

San couldn't deny that their cohesion was greater than ever. Never before would they have sworn to protect each other to the death if they hadn't come to Strictland. In the past it was difficult between them, a small quarrel had already caused the separation, but now San could no longer imagine giving himself to any other family. They were a pack, a family. Even if they didn't share blood, their bond was closer and stronger than that of many blood relatives. 

 

"San-ah?" The van had stopped. San hadn't noticed. He straightened laboriously, rubbing his temples, behind which throbbed incessantly, as if a young student were just learning how to beat the timpani inside his brain. He groaned. 

When he felt a cold, wet rag on the skin of his chin, he winced before realizing that it was Wooyoung wiping away the far too red blood that had dried there. 

 

"San-ah, what's wrong with you? You're obviously not well." Everything was spinning in San's head. He leaned against the thin sheet metal wall behind him. It was pleasantly cool, just like the rag Wooyoung was still rubbing over his face. San had to smile. Wooyoung's care was truly touching. Most people didn't trust him to do that; after all, the omega was quite a loudmouth. But San could not imagine a better friend, would have preferred no one at his side during this time. Well, maybe Hongjoong, but that was another story and not a fair comparison to Wooyoung.

 

"I don't know, Youngie. I just feel wimpy and powerless, like something inside me is using up all my energy before it even gets to me." He closed his eyes, having barely been able to see anything anyway, everything hazy and as if through a veil. 

 

"Sannie..." San could picture Wooyoung's expression right in front of his inner eye. The omega couldn't stand it when someone of his pack, his family, suffered. He himself was someone who would drop everything to take care of them, forgetting himself. 

 

"I often feel sick, especially in the morning. I'm hungry all the time and I just feel so limp and drained. I don't know what's wrong, Youngie. It scares me." San pulled his knees to his chest as much as was possible with Wooyoung between them. He had an irrepressible feeling of needing to hug something, to snuggle in somewhere and not get up again for the next few days, but their makeshift home, the small van they lived in, didn't give much. They had just enough space for each to store a few clothes and even had to share a cot with a single blanket. It was not ideal, but it worked. Sleeping outside the van was just too dangerous. In the meantime, they were too well known, were wanted and had to be careful. None of them could be caught, so Hongjoong's plan would work. 

 

"San-ah... you have cramps too, don't you? Here?" Wooyoung put a hand on his abdomen, gently stroking the skin that felt so strangely taut, as if it was no longer big enough for him. 

San nodded.

 

"Do you think... you and Hongjoong... did you...? You know? Are you guys any further along in your relationship? Have you guys...gotten closer physically?" Wooyoung's tone was embarrassed. When San opened his eyes, he noticed that Wooyoung's face was flushed. 

 

"What do you mean? Why does it matter now, of all times?" Wooyoung sighed and leaned closer to San, pushing the latter's legs back down from their position so he could climb into San's lap and press his nose against San's neck. It tickled as Wooyoung took a deep breath and slid his nose along San's sensitive skin.

 

"San-ah, could it be that you're pregnant?" San faltered. Every muscle in his body tensed. Pregnant? Him? That couldn't be. He was a beta. For beta to get pregnant was as unlikely as snow in the middle of summer and yet it was not impossible. It didnt happen often and beta were much less fertile than most omega. They also had no real heats or ruts, although they always had a few weeks a year when they experienced similar symptoms. It was often the case that a beta tended more toward one or the other subgender, which determined whether they experienced a heat-like or rut-like event. 

For San, it had always been leaning more to the omega side. Even though he had always tried to portray himself as big and strong - his protective instinct was great - yet he was more of an omega than an alpha. He was a gentle boy, caring and concerned about his fellow man. He was also always good with children, had always wanted some, even if he assumed that he would probably have to adopt some. It was simply unlikely that a beta would get pregnant, usually only possible with intensive care and stimulation by doctors and medication.

Still... it would explain his symptoms. Most of all, it would also explain why he suddenly seemed so closely connected to his inner wolf, why he longed for Hongjoong so much more than usual. 

 

San bit his lip as he thought about what this could mean for him. He could be in for a difficult few months if Wooyoung was really correct in his thesis. A beta without his pack, a pregnant beta without his pack, could be in for some of the worst times of his life. Beta were an incomplete gender. They did not function alone, needed omega and alpha at their side to balance the constantly struggling hormones in their bodies. San was glad that Wooyoung was by his side, but it was not enough. Just as a pregnant omega needed his alpha, it was even worse for beta. Pregnancy was upsetting her hormones more than it usually did, and only the environment of a pack could soothe that, could help beta against the pain and bad symptoms. For a beta, pregnancy was not pleasant, it was not natural, felt like it was not wanted by Mother Nature, even if the possibility was there.

Many beta decided to adopt and not even try, especially if maybe they were not part of a pack but only had their alpha by their side or even alone. 

 

San let the back of his head bang against the wall of the van a few times with little momentum. He couldn't believe that this was happening to him of all people, at a time when it was uncertain when he would next see his pack and his alpha. Hongjoong had told them that it could take several weeks, maybe even months or years, before they would finally get the signal that everything was ready. And even if it was in a few weeks, San would not be able to help. At least not if Wooyoung was right. He wished very much that this was not the case. 

 

How could San survive a pregnancy in this van? How could he have a child in this world? How could he manage without his alpha?

 

Before he knew it, tears were running down his cheeks. He hadn't noticed, feeling as if he had lost all contact with his body since Wooyoung had last spoken. 

 

"Oh, Sannie..." Wooyoung put his hands to his cheeks again and wiped away the tears with his thumb before moving closer to him, pressing himself as close to San as he could. San sensed the wave of soothing pheromones Wooyoung was trying to emit, but he could also smell the concern in the bitter undertone of beta's otherwise sweet scent. 

For a moment, San felt eerily selfish. He wasn't the only one who missed his mate (or almost mate), after all. He wasn't the only one in this situation. They were all separated from each other and they all suffered from the situation and just because he may or may not have been carrying Hongjoong's child, he couldn't make such a big drama out of it.

 

San wrapped his arms around Wooyoung's slender figure and hugged the omega to him. He enjoyed the closeness, enjoyed Wooyoung's warmth, his soft, lemony scent. Wooyoung smelled like summer, and San longed for nothing more at that moment than to picnic with the whole pack in a meadow somewhere, forgetting their stressful lives and just having fun. He missed them all. He missed Yunho's big hugs, missed Yeosang's witty humor, missed Seonghwa's gentle, motherly way, missed Jongho's strength, missed Mingi's jokes, missed Hongjoong's... Hongjoong's everything.






San and Wooyoung sat like that for quite a while, embraced in a heartfelt hug, before either of them stirred again. 

It was Wooyoung who broke away first. He looked at San's face and smiled pityingly before waving his hand through beta's hair. 

 

"Let's get you some food first, and tomorrow morning... tomorrow morning I'll go get some tests. There's no point in worrying our heads before we know anything more definite, huh?" San nodded, which made Wooyoung smile a little more seriously. The omega climbed out of his lap before rummaging through the small cooler they had sitting in a corner in the van. 

It was difficult for them to get food and stow it away. They hadn't really found a safe house since they had split up with the others. One of their supposed safe houses was stormed and turned upside down by Guardians only a few hours after they left it for a fight. It didn't take much more for them to decide to play it safe and just stay in the small van. 

 

Every now and then they would treat themselves to a night in a cheap motel to at least get a decent wash and a night's sleep on a decent bed, but they tried to avoid that as much as they could. After all, they didn't want to waste all the money they collected for their operation. That would be redundant. 

San didn't even want to imagine what it would be like if the pregnancy tests were positive. He would have to be more careful. If he really was pregnant, he didn't want to endanger his and Hongjoong's future child. At the thought, he looked down at himself and gently stroked his belly with one hand. Somewhere deep inside he already hoped that he was pregnant, hoped for a small miracle that was growing inside him. His and Hongjoong's children would certainly be cute. Even if the timing was more than just inappropriate, he would at least be a little bit happy about it.






Wooyoung was a master at whipping up something that tasted really good from the few scraps they had available. They both didn't have much to eat, the portions just big enough that their stomachs didn't growl all the time. They couldn't buy large supplies because on the one hand they never had much time to spend in stores, after all they were wanted, and on the other hand they couldn't store much. That's why they always tried to keep at least a little bit left over, so that they would still have something the next day, in case they would have to flee again. However, it also meant that they often didn't really get full and just ate until they were no longer agonizingly hungry.

 

On this day, Wooyoung forced San to eat more than he usually did. He insisted that he would have to go to a store the next day anyway and that they would just have to rely on their luck for once. San reluctantly agreed (but only after pushing some of the vegetables on his plate onto Wooyoung's). He didn't really like it and Wooyoung at least had some more to eat). 

 

When they squeezed onto the cot together a short time later, San pressed his forehead against Wooyoung's chest while the omega wrapped his arms around him. San was much stronger and more muscular, but he still loved it when he was the receiving part of an embrace, when he could just snuggle up and forget all his worries while warm arms rocked him to sleep. And when Wooyoung murmured how much he missed Yunho, San was there to press himself against him and give him some comfort with physical contact. 







When San woke up a few hours later, Wooyoung was no longer in the van. He panicked for a moment, jumped up and looked around frantically. The van was manageable and it was quickly apparent that the omega was missing and no longer just not on the cot with San. But San quickly noticed the small yellow sticky note on the door. He pulled it off and read what it said. 

 

Am going to the store. 

It might take a little longer, because I wanted to do something else quickly. 

Don't worry and stay in the van.

 

 

  • Woo

 

 

San snorted in annoyance. They had already agreed at the beginning of their venture that they would not go it alone and would always try to go everywhere in pairs. If they were discovered, they would have a better chance to fight their way out of the situation and if they were caught, they would at least be together and could figure out how to escape the situation. And no one would recklessly try to save the other on their own. They had promised each other, they had agreed. Above all, San wondered what else Wooyoung had to do that was so important and why he hadn't told him. They were best friends, soul mates, they had no secrets from each other. 



San stayed on the cot for a while. He didn't know where Wooyoung had gone and knew trying to chase him wouldn't do any good. Besides, he was already feeling sick again. He sat up and held a hand over his mouth, suppressing the compelling urge to vomit. When he lost the fight, however, he just managed to open the van door in time to avoid making the inside even dirtier. It was disgusting. The sour stench wasn't helping the nausea subside. San was just glad that they had parked in a side alley that was already dirty and smelly anyway, so he didn't have to feel too bad. Still, it was unpleasant, uncomfortable and exhausting. 

 

When the nausea finally subsided, sweat beaded on his forehead. He felt warm and cold at the same time. The wall of the van was both too hot and too cold, and even behind his closed eyelids everything was spinning.

Wooyoung had put him a small leftover of their dinner (wisely), but smelling the cold food made him feel like he would throw up again. His stomach ached, his throat felt strained, as if he had had heartburn for a week, and his whole body was uncomfortably sweaty. San whimpered pitifully. He was on the verge of tears again, just felt so incredibly lousy. 

 

He couldn't tell how many hours had passed before he finally heard the rhythmic knocking that he and Wooyoung had agreed on at the beginning. San opened the van with effort, barely having enough strength to free himself from the fetal position he had assumed on the cot. But the joy of seeing Wooyoung back gave him some energy. 

 

"Sannie... God you look awful."

 

"Thank you." San pursed his lips, which made Wooyoung chuckle. At least they could still have a good laugh about the situation. 

 

"I brought the tests. Do you want to try it right now?" San thought for a moment. Of course, it was better if he had certainty. After all, they couldn't plan their next steps without knowing for sure what was going on. 

He nodded hesitantly and reached for the packages Wooyoung held out to him.

 

"What else did you do?" asked San when he only saw the small shopping bag that mainly had a few ready-made sandwiches and some fruit in it besides the tests.

 

"You'll see tonight. Anyway, I ordered us some food." San pulled the brown ones together. Ordered food? To a van? Did restaurants even deliver to dodgy vehicles in gloomy alleys? Well he would see what Wooyoung meant. The omega had never disappointed him. He trusted it. 

Still, he motioned Wooyoung to lean closer, and when he did, he flicked him in the forehead.

 

"I thought we said no going out alone," chided San as Wooyoung poutingly rubbed his slightly reddened forehead. It was cute, forcing a smile on San's lips. He could already feel the omega's closeness doing him good, enjoying the fact that he wasn't alone, that his pheromones and smell weren't the only things in the van. He couldn't smell himself, of course, but he felt like his scent was pouring out of him, like water from a spring. As if it was suffocating everything that didn't come from him. It had only made him miss Wooyoung, his pack, and Hongjoong even more when he couldn't smell anything except the stale air in the smelly van. 

 

"It was necessary, Sannie. And I didn't want to wake you..." grumbled Wooyoung, avoiding his gaze. San sighed, but then fingered the test packs again. Wooyoung had picked up three of different brands. It was probably also better to know for sure and not rely on just one. Still, he hesitated. When the result came, it would be final. He would finally know if he was carrying Hongjoong's child. He would know for good whether he was a burden to the whole pack or not.

 

"We'll find a solution, Sannie. No matter if it's positive or negative. Right now, we need to find out what's going on, okay?" Wooyoung grabbed his face in both hands and forced him to look at him. San nodded, as much as was possible between the omega's grip, before he began to open the packs. 

Wooyoung grabbed one from his lap and opened it as well. As he began to read the package insert, San had to grin.

 

"Since when do you read stuff like that? You're more the one who runs through the wall with your head and then sees what happens. And I think it's no more than peeing on it and waiting three minutes." Wooyoung looked at him with serious eyes.

 

"It's about your health, San. That's important to me." San gulped. The omega was rarely so serious, rarely so brash with him. Wordlessly, San grabbed the test Wooyoung was holding and set about leaving the van with all three of them.

 

"Do you need help?" San rolled his eyes when he heard Wooyoung's voice from the van. What would he need help with anyway? Almost certainly, he was capable of peeing on a couple of sticks by himself.

Life on the run was disgusting. That was one of the things San quickly realized. Ever since they came into this world, physical hygiene was much more difficult than it used to be, when they could just run home and take a shower, where they at least had a toilet at their disposal. 

Wooyoung and San had made it a habit to go to the toilet in the small stores where they shopped or to public restrooms, but that was not always possible. The owners of the stores did not always let them through and there was not always any public toilet nearby. San had tried to get rid of having a bad feeling when he had to relieve himself in an alley at the corner of a house, but it was still not easy for him, it disgusted him. Especially now that he held three pregnancy tests in his hand and felt as if everything in him was resisting losing even a drop of liquid.

 

"San-ah?" Wooyoung stuck his head out the door and looked over at him.

 

"Woo, it's not any easier with you watching." He heard the omega chuckle behind him before he retreated back into the van. San sighed.

 

It took him quite a while to get back into the van, the pregnancy tests wrapped in a tissue he still had in his pants pocket. He tossed them over to Wooyoung, who frantically grabbed them before they flew into his face.

 

"Ewww, San-ah, you can't throw something like that." Wooyoung grimaced in disgust.

 

"Just now you were going to help me." San sat down on the cot, shrugging his shoulders, and fished in a box underneath for one of the disinfecting wipes he found there. He wiped his fingers. They had gotten nothing on them and yet he felt unclean. The acrid stench of the disinfectant was strangely soothing, and San was about to rub it under his nose, too, so he wouldn't have to endure the stench seeping in from the alley through the van's door and window slits.

 

"Woo...can we change locations? It's just the smell here is making me sick again." Wooyoung didn't look at him, just stared at the tests that would take ncoh at least two minutes to give a result. The omega didn't seem to have heard him at all.

 

"Woo?" 

 

"Huh?", Wooyoung mumbled absently, continuing not to take his eyes off the tests.

 

"Did you hear what I said? Can we go somewhere else?" asked San again. He had his hands clasped in his lap, tossing the disinfectant wipe into the trash bag hanging on one of the van's doors. San let his thumbs circle around each other, fascinated by the feeling and the soft sound of skin circling on each other.

 

"Not today. We get food delivered later, remember?" San had actually almost forgotten, but at that moment a change of location was almost more important to him than a food delivery. He sighed and continued to stare at his thumbs while Wooyoung stared at the test. It was silent for a while. They were both silent, having no topic to talk about that was more important than what they were doing right now.

Then Wooyoung drew in a sharp breath, causing San to look up.

 

"What is it?" Wooyoung looked at San, the expression in his eyes unreadable even to San who had known him so long and so well. Worried, San bit his lip. At that moment, now that it was time for him to know, he didn't even know which outcome he would prefer. Of course, this world was no place to have a child, and even more so when he was separated from his mate and his pack, but then again, he wanted children. Above all, he wanted children with Hongjoong, had longed for it for quite a while. Even back when they were young and innocent, when they met secretly to dance and have fun, he had often imagined what it would be like to have a family, a family with Hongjoong. The thought had been beautiful. He had always wanted to raise a girl with Hongjoong, maybe two. Of course, he wouldn't be disappointed with a little boy, but he could imagine all too well what a little girl with Hongjoong's dainty nose would look like. 

 

"It's positive." San was silent, not knowing what to say. He wasn't as pleased as he would be if they weren't in this position, but he wasn't disappointed either. He reached out for the test, wordlessly asking Wooyoung to give it to him. He needed to see it before he really believed it.

Wooyoung handed him the tests and sure enough, they were all positive. One of them showed a plus, one two dashes and one even showed the word 'pregnant' with a grinning smiley. San loathed the test with the little grinning face. How could anyone install something like that? There were also people who were not happy about being pregnant, who perhaps caught a wrong time or did not want children at all. 

For a moment, San wanted to give in to the inner, unreasonable rage, just wanted to be angry, at the test, at the little smiley face, at the world, but somewhere he was also happy inside. He was so agitated, his emotions as jumbled as a ball of wool that had been left to a cat for an hour. He wanted to cry, wanted to give vent to his feelings and just suffer from the situation, but he was too happy to shed tears. If one were to depict his innermost outwardly, one side of his face would probably be grinning joyfully, his eye closed in a half-moon and laugh lines deep around it, and the other side of his face would have the corner of his mouth pulled up to his chin, while his other eye was watering. 

 

Probably Wooyoung would have a heart attack if his face looked like that and San had to snort as he pictured it.

 

"San-ah? What do you think? You're so quiet." Wooyoung's tone was unusually cautious. He put a hand on San's thigh, his grip firm, grounding. It helped San settle back into reality and disengage his thoughts from the strange image of what his feelings must have looked like embodied on the outside. 

 

"I don't know. I... I imagined it all differently. Somehow I didn't really expect it to be positive and now... Young-ah... I'm pregnant. What am I going to do?" He looked urgently into Wooyoung's eyes, hoping to find the answers to all his problems in them, but all that shone in them was pity and something San couldn't quite interpret. 

Wooyoung stood up and took a seat on San's lap again. His instinctive urge to comfort probably made him seek closeness. He wrapped his arms around San's shoulders and buried his face in the crook of his neck. 

San just sat there. The thoughts in his head were too loud for him to even move. It was as if his brain needed all of its capacity to scream at him internally so that his nerves, muscles, tendons no longer had the ability to function, to move. 

 

"Sannie...no matter what happens, I'm with you. I'm part of your pack and we'll find a solution. We've always made it work so far, haven't we?" San whimpered. It was all too much for him. How were they going to make it? They barely had enough food for the two of them, how was San supposed to feed a child growing inside him as well? How was he supposed to survive without his pack? He had always heard terrible horror stories about how much beta suffered, who were alone, who were left to their own devices during their pregnancy. He was not all alone, of course, and maybe he was lucky that their mission would not take so long that Hongjoong had everything ready quickly. He just hoped that his alpha would not shut him out now that he had become a liability to the team. He also had to figure out what he was going to do about the fights. He had to come up with the money somehow. Maybe he would just try to take more care of himself in the fights. Wooyoung would surely object, but San couldn't bear the thought of being useless to his pack. He also wanted to escape from this world, wanted to be a help so that they could quickly save this world and return to their own. And for this he was not allowed to become a burden, for this he had to be helpful. 

 

San only hummed in agreement when he heard Wooyoung's words, while his thoughts still circled inwardly. He had to make it, had to get his pregnancy together with her rebellion. He had to get through it, even without his alpha, even without his pack. San was strong. He was very sensitive, but he couldn't let that stop him. His fighting spirit was undefeated and would also save him from this situation. 

Hesitantly, San put his arms around Wooyoung, pressing the omega against him. He enjoyed the closeness, the warmth, wanted to bask in it for a moment, to surrender for a moment before he had to be the stronger of the two of them again. It had always been like this; Wooyoung had always been the clever one of them, had developed strategies, had thought of escape routes and had seen chances where San only saw a rocky path in front of him, while San himself was the executing force. He wasn't stupid, but sometimes it was just easier to let himself go, to trust the plans of others and just do what was expected of him. 

This situation, however, would require him to take action himself. Wooyoung would certainly insist that he spend his time in realtive safety in the van as much as possible, but San could not. He was already itching to do something. He had to distract himself from the pain, the nausea, the dizziness, and most of all, he had to help. He couldn't help it.






They spent the rest of the day in the van, mostly in silence. San could see that Wooyoung wanted to talk about it, but the omega seemed to realize that San just wanted to think in silence. Everything was going to change now, and he had to come up with a plan to deal with it all.

 

Wooyoung had gotten into the front of the van's cab at some point, saying that their delivery would be coming soon and he had given instructions to pass it in through the window. The ominous choice of words did not remain hidden from San, but he did not ask. Wooyoung would already have his reasons. It was strange that he didn't come clean, but he trusted the omega and knew that whatever he was planning would only do San good. 

 

When there was a knock on the window, San looked up. He couldn't see who was supplying them, but Wooyoung soon passed a plastic bag with a food container to him in the back. San frowned as he took it, but the smell from it made his stomach growl and his mouth water. He had barely eaten anything that day and was already scolding himself for how poorly he was taking care of his future child while he wasn't even born yet. Doubts mounted him as to whether he would be a good parent, but he pushed the thought down. Surely he would grow into the role once their child was born. San had always liked children. Somehow it would work out.

 

"Mind the chili.", Wooyoung said absently as he started the car and slowly drove out of the alley. San raised an eyebrow, but thought nothing of it. He didn't have the biggest problem with spicy food, so he bit into the chili and with it onto something strange. It was as if he had put a fortune cookie in his mouth and forgotten to take out the piece of paper when he suddenly felt a piece of paper between his teeth. He pulled it out of his mouth with pointed fingers and looked at it. On the paper was written in black ink a phone number. The handwriting seemed familiar, but he couldn't place it.

 

"What is this, Wooyoung-ah?" he asked, disinterestedly putting the food aside with one hand and studying the paper very carefully, but there was nothing on it except the number. 

 

"There's a burner phone next to the cooler, prepaid, safe. Send a chili and a cat emoji to the number." San frowned in confusion. Hongjoong had forbidden them to use cell phones. It was too dangerous, they might be tracked down. They were only allowed to use it in extreme emergencies. However, San was not sure if his situation was considered an emergency. Of course it was serious, but he didn't even know who he was writing to. 

 

San knew, of course, that the chili was their secret symbol, that it was probably someone from their pack he was writing to. It was probably Seonghwa. Yes, that made sense, Seonghwa always knew what to do. 

San rose and fished the cell phone out from behind the cooler. It was wrapped in a black garbage bag. He wondered when Wooyoung had placed it there; after all, he had never noticed the bag before.

He typed the number into the messaging app before scrolling through the emojis to find the right one.

 

[San 07:21pm]

🌶️🐱

 

Nothing happened for a while. Until suddenly three little dots popped up at the bottom of the screen, signaling that someone was writing on the other end of the line.

 

[Unknown number 07:29pm]

No names. Answer my questions to confirm your identity.

 

San frowned before shrugging his shoulders.

 

[San 07:29pm]

Okay

 

[Unknown number 07:30pm]

what does 🐱 hate to eat?

 

San thought for a moment. Was he referring to the cat emoji? Well Hongjoong had always called him 'Kitten', so it was only likely, right?

 

[San 07:32pm]

Carrots

 

[Unknown number 07:32pm]

what hobby did we once share?

 

[San 07:33pm]

Dancing

 

[Unknown number 07:33pm]

Okay. Last question.

 

[Unknown Number 07:34pm]

What did you have for breakfast?

 

[San 07:34pm]

What?

 

[Unknown number 07:34pm]

What did you have for breakfast, Kitten? I'm worried about you.

 

Tears immediately welled up in San's eyes at the familiar nickname. It was Hongjoong on the other end. It couldn't be anyone other than Hongjoong. No one else called him that. He could hardly believe that after weeks he could finally communicate with his alpha again. Even though he could neither see nor hear him, it was incredibly good to have even a little contact with his alpha.

 

[San 07:35pm]

Joong?

 

[Unknown number 07:35pm]

No names, Kitten. You can call me Captain.

 

San's cheeks flushed as he thought of the last context in which he had called Hongjoong 'captain'. It was that context that had gotten him into this mess.

 

[San 07:36pm]

I'm so happy to be able to talk to you. I miss you.

 

[Captain 07:36pm]

I miss you too, Kitten.

Still, I wonder why 🦊 was so insistent that we need to talk to each other. Is everything alright? Are you hurt?

 

San frowned again. Of course, he knew that Wooyoung must have been in contact with Hongjoong somehow to get the cell phone and the number, but how had he done it? Had he met Hongjoong in person? A wave of jealousy boiled up inside him as he thought about Wooyoung perhaps being near his alpha while he had had to spend all day in the greasy van, but he fought it down. At least now he could talk to HOngjoong.

 

[San 07:37pm]

I'm not hurt. How did 🦊 find you anyway?

 

[Captain 07:37pm]

Our little bluebird is in contact with 🦊.  Actually only for emergencies though... despite how hard it is to not hear from you for so long, to see you, to hold you in my arms....

 

San swallowed as emotions overcame him. He missed Hongjoong so much that it hurt.

 

[San 07:37pm]

I feel the same way. This may not be an emergency... but you need to know something. It's important.

 

[Captain 07:38pm]

What's going on, Kitten? Are you guys in trouble?

 

[San 07:38pm] 

It's not like that. I want to tell you first that what I'm about to tell you will not jeopardize my mission. I'm going to push through and go on as we planned. I will not be a burden to the team.

 

[Captain 07:39pm]

Spill it. What's going on? 

 

San bit his lips nervously. This was the moment of truth. In his misery, he hadn't thought at all about what Hongjoong would say about his pregnancy, after all, it was still very far away for him to see her again. He had half assumed that he would probably already have given birth to the child the next time they met. Not that he wished that, and that would also depend on whether he would survive that long in his environment. His stomach turned as he thought about the fact that Hongjoong might not have wanted children with him. What would he do if that were the case? How should he act?

 

[Captain 07:41pm]

Kitten? I'm worried.

 

[San 07:41pm]

Captain... I'm pregnant.

 

San didn't dare to wait for the answer. He put the phone aside and placed an arm in front of his eyes, couldn't bear to maybe get rejection. It was better not to know how Hongjoong reacted instead of maybe seeing him curse and scold. Wasn't it?

Of course, they were both to blame for the situation, both had been careless, even if it was unlikely that pregnancy would happen. San had always had the urge to create things that were hardly feasible and almost always succeeded. He should have expected it.

The cell phone vibrated several times next to them. San thought he was even being called, but he didn't dare answer it. He pulled his knees to his chest and brought his index finger to his mouth to bite into it. Nervousness was almost killing him, he was curious to see how Hongjoong reacted, but he was also so very scared. 

 

"San-ah, are you okay back there?" San muttered an assent as he picked up the phone again, but not yet looking at the display. It vibrated ncoh a few times in his hand before he could get over himself.

 

[Captain 07:41pm]

What?

 

[Captain 07:41pm]

Are you serious?

 

[Captain 07:42pm]

Kitten?

 

[Captain 07:43pm]

If this is a joke, it's a bad one.

 

[Captain 07:43pm]

Are you sure?

 

[Captain 07:44pm]

Did you do a test?

 

[Captain 07:46pm]

Oh my god

 

[Captain 07:47pm]

Kitten?

 

Missed call - Captain 07:47pm

 

Missed call - Captain 07:47pm

 

[Captain 07:48pm]

Kitten??

 

[Captain 07:48pm]

Shit.

 

[Captain 07:49pm]

We're gonna get this done. I'll figure something out.

 

[Captain 07:49pm]

Fuck, I need to see you, Kitten. Is everything okay? How are you holding up?

 

Missed call - Captain 07:50pm

 

[Captain 07:50pm]

Kitten, please answer.

 

[Captain 07:51pm]

I don't know if you think I'm angry or what... I love you, Kitten. I've always wanted a family with you and even though the timing is the worst imaginable... We can do this.

 

[Captain 07:53pm]

We'll make it work. I'll talk to 🐰. Maybe we need to do the mission a little differently. Your safety and our child's safety is the highest priority, you hear me? I don't want you getting back in the ring. We can do this another way somehow.

 

[Captain 07:57pm]

Wait for me, Kitten. I'm coming to get you. Let's talk about everything when we see each other, huh? Please answer.

 

San had tears in his eyes when he read the news. He had expected everything but this encouragement. Hongjoong had only told him once before that he loved him, just before they had all had to part. It meant a lot to him to see it written in front of him once again. And Hongjoong wanted a family with him? He couldn't imagine anything better. Couldn't imagine a better father for his children than the alpha. 

Still, he didn't like that Hongjoong wanted to drop everything just so he could take care of San. Their mission was important and they couldn't stop everyone else from maybe finally finding a way home just because he was carrying a child. He didn't want to be a burden, couldn't bear that he might be to blame for the suffering of his pack.

 

The cell phone vibrated again with an incoming call in his hand. This time he answered it.

 

"Sannie?" San sobbed when he heard Hongjoong's voice. The reception didn't seem to be very good and he could hear loud static as if Hongjoong was in a moving car.

 

"Kitten? Talk to me." Hongjoong's voice was eerily soft. San had hardly ever heard her like that. 

 

"Joong..." The noise in the background of the call died away. Apparently Hongjoong's car had stopped. Then he heard a car door slam. San couldn't locate whether the sound came from outside or from the phone. 

 

"We can do this, Kitten." San hiccupped. Hongjoong sounded so confident.

 

"Are you sure?" the beta muttered, slumped over and quiet.

 

"Only if you open up for me." Just at that moment, San heard the rhythmic knock, the sign they all knew at the back door of the van. San stared at the sheet metal as if it would automatically move aside as he realized he had heard the sound both for real and through the phone. 

Hesitantly, he rose before opening the hatch. 

 

Hongjoong grinned when San saw him. He had a cowboy hat pulled low on his forehead so San could barely see anything but his nose and lips, but he knew it was Hongjoong, didn't need more to know that. 

The cell phone fell to the ground, clattering loudly, as San jumped out of the van, right into Hongjoong's arms. Even though San was much taller than Hongjoong and also more muscular in physique, Hongjoong caught him without any problem. The scent of coffee and dark chocolate embraced him just as Hongjoong's arms wrapped around his body, and suddenly San knew that everything was going to be okay. 

 

"Kitten, look at me," Hongjoong murmured into his neck. San pushed the hat off Hongjoong's blue hair and smiled at him as tears ran down his cheeks. He was so happy to see his alpha, couldn't suppress a sob.

 

"We can do this." Hongjoong leaned forward and when San came towards him and their lips met in the middle, he knew for sure that everything would be okay. 

 

Whatever would happen, together they could overcome any hurdle.

Notes:

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