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Somehow, recently, you had a feeling that Sousuke wasn’t as strong as he pretended to be.
The signs were subtle enough to successfully deceive a lingering acquaintance, or even a close friend, because Sousuke wasn’t ever the type to openly display weakness of any kind. On any other occasion, you’d think of it as an admirable trait, but there was a clear, finely cut line between unwavering strength and obstinate duplicity. Not many had the ability to pick apart the disparity, but you knew him far longer than most people did. It seemed like he was hurt, and he was refusing to admit to such vulnerability.
The signs were faint, but they were there. And you noticed.
It was a mild autumn day when the first hint was given, though it had evaded your attention at the time. The air outside the Samezuka pool was laced with the smell of fresh leaves tinted with bronze and gold, and you breathed it in, cherishing the pleasant aroma before you stepped into the damp room that oozed with testosterone and sweat. Your gaze swept over the area, and when Rin met your eyes, you gave him a friendly wave, to which he returned with a nod and a grin.
Eventually, you caught sight of Sousuke’s tall, broad figure standing over by the corner. He was rolling his left shoulder, but you thought nothing of it, instead excitedly shouting out his name to get his attention. He noticed you immediately after, and as soon as you walked up to him, the conversation flowed as easily as it usually did.
Being a swimmer yourself, and a moderately famous one in fact, you were able to relate to Sousuke on a notably deep level. Both of you were filled with the same sense of passion for the sport, feeling identical sensations of comfort and inspiration whenever the water’s embrace made itself clear. Fueled by a sudden spark of ambition, it didn’t take much time for you to challenge him to a quick, friendly race, having already prepared your swimsuit. Of course, with a smile, he accepted.
Miraculously, despite you obviously attending a different school, Rin had allowed you to enter the pool, out of respect for both you and Sousuke and also out of amused curiosity. The redhead knew that you were both distinctly adept at swimming, and your individual levels of skill were similar enough that not even he was certain of who would win. You suppose that was why most, if not all, the Samezuka boys stopped to spectate the race.
After mutually deciding to swim butterfly, you exchanged playfully teasing remarks with each other before the atmosphere eventually changed into one of concentration. Both of you were driven by the highest caliber of determination despite it not being an official race. It was something unspoken between you two; a firm acknowledgment that existed since your elementary days.
A promise to push each other to always do better.
With the soothingly familiar scent of chlorine filling every ounce of your being, you let your instincts take over as soon as you heard the telltale sound of a whistle. You sprung off the board with a kind of ferocity that took the boys by surprise, with Rin being the sole exception. Nothing but sharp joy filled your mind as your body melded with the water, everything else fading into the background for a few moments that felt like a flash within time.
When the sudden but eventful race came to a close, you lifted your head up from the water, an unrestrained, breathless laugh pushing past your lips. You heard the boys letting out good-natured cheers, and even though Sousuke had beaten you by mere milliseconds, the weightless feeling of contentment deep within your chest had remained unchanged. The genuine smile that he’d given you was seared into your memory, and you remembered feeling as if, maybe, you occupied a special place in his heart that didn’t belong to anyone else.
The exhilarating feeling of liberation lasted long after that day, and even as life took its toll on the two of you, your bond stayed strong and steadfast.
At least until a heavy feeling of dread gradually settled upon your shoulders.
You noticed that Sousuke had a habit of rolling his shoulder every time he was about to enter the pool. As seemingly harmless as it may be, it wasn’t normal for a swimmer to solely roll their left shoulder and completely neglect their right. The most plausible scenario, which all signs pointed to, was the concealed presence of an injury. Admittedly, at first, you weren’t entirely convinced, thinking that your paranoia was the cause of your steadily increasing concern. Truth be told, since your last year at Sano, there was a particular thought that lingered at the back of your mind. You’d grown to care for Sousuke, and it was in a manner that extended far beyond mere friendship. It was the type of feeling that was responsible for keeping you awake at night and dreaming of what could be, instead of doing the right thing and catching up on sleep.
It didn’t even need a label because you very well knew what it was.
So, you didn’t vocalize your observations at first, in fear of your feelings being exposed and possibly ruining the solid bond that you and Sousuke shared. Yet, in hindsight, it turned out that your omission was one of the worst things you could have done.
In the midst of your internal turmoil, Sousuke had managed to detect the sense of unease stemming from within you. The day he confronted you about it was only expected.
It was a late Friday afternoon. Having just finished a race at the Samezuka pool, you two were heading to your place, planning on hanging out there until Sousuke returned to the dorms. Your house was near the area anyway, so it wasn’t much of a hassle.
Your hair was still damp and distinctly smelling of chlorine by the time you two reached the familiar sight of your neighborhood. You had been particularly lost in thought, close to drowning in a sea of “What if?”s, and your troubles were likely visible in the furrow of your brows and the downward curl of your lips. “Something’s bothering you.” Sousuke had stated bluntly, although the rather soft look of concern he gave you didn’t correspond with his usual straightforward tone.
“I’m fine, Sousuke.” You responded, looking up at him with a smile that you hoped was reassuring. You had never been the best actor, however, so he saw through your deceit.
It was his turn to furrow his eyebrows. “No, you’re not,” he said. “There’s no spark in your smile.”
Had the situation been different, you would have been relieved that Sousuke knew you on such a profound level. However, at the moment, his words only brought you a further sense of despondency, and even guilt. You were hiding the truth from him; concealing the fact that you had a feeling he was hurt, but you were too scared to confront him about it. It was undeniably selfish, and it made you sick.
“Let’s make a promise.” You had suggested to him when you were still both at Sano. He had nodded, waiting for what you would say next. “We’ll never lie to each other, alright?”
“Okay!” Sousuke had agreed, and to properly enact the declaration, he reached out his hand. You shook it firmly.
The memory stung in a way that was impossible to explain, so you pushed it away, keeping it within the very depths of your mind. Exhaling, you lifted your gaze upwards, meeting his mesmerizing teal eyes. “It’s okay, Sou.” You said softly. “Don’t worry about it.”
Anyone could tell that he was, in fact, very concerned, but Sousuke didn’t say anything else. The rest of the walk home was completely silent.
As more time passed by, Rin also caught onto the gradually growing sense of mystery surrounding Sousuke. However, unlike you, he chose to attack the situation directly.
You, Rin, Sousuke, and Nitori were at the gym, where all four of you were exercising with the provided equipment. Bits of conversation occasionally filled the air, until Rin informed Sousuke that he had received an offer to the school that the brunette had his eyes on. “We might be able to swim on the same team after graduation,” the redhead had smiled, hope evident within his expression.
“That’s amazing, Rin!” You responded. Although you weren’t as close to him as Sousuke was, you three had still been friends since elementary school, so you were able to pinpoint just how much the offer meant to him. However, much to everyone’s surprise, Sousuke didn’t share the same feeling of joy.
“That’d be great,” was all he uttered before walking over to sit on the nearby bench, his face seemingly devoid of any emotion. You and Nitori exchanged worried glances as Rin stared at Sousuke, a deep frown pulling at the corners of his lips. The redhead had spent the next few minutes trying to figure out the cause behind Sousuke’s sudden change in behavior, until he eventually paused and let out a sigh. “Let’s talk outside,” he stated. Your eyes met his, and without saying a word, Rin communicated a single message to you.
Don’t worry, I’ll handle him.
It was unbeknownst to you what exactly they had talked about, but judging by the way Sousuke still looked unnervingly detached, you assumed that the conversation hadn’t gone all too well. You didn’t pry into the issue, and instead kept quiet. You had a feeling that the worst was yet to come.
You were correct.
The storm grew worse when Sousuke started avoiding you. Instead of answering you in a few curt words, he had cut off communication entirely. He didn’t call or text you at all, and when you sent him message after message, call after call, and voicemail after voicemail, there wasn’t even a single sign that he had acknowledged any of them. You didn’t know why.
One night, you had called Rin, barely managing to hold back your tears as you asked him if he knew what was happening with Sousuke. “No,” he had told you, his voice sharp with anger and frustration, and you knew that he was just as affected as you were. “He won’t even tell me a damn thing, and it’s making me sick.” The call had ended with you becoming even more lost in the haze of frenzied miscommunication, and you were certain that Rin felt the same.
All of it terrified you. Sousuke was one of the most honest and straightforward people that you knew, and you admired him for it. The fact that he was completely shutting you and Rin out meant that something was utterly off , and every day, the sinking feeling grew. You had a strong suspicion that he truly was injured, but he was either too stubborn or afraid to admit it.
There was no denying that you cared about him on a deeply earnest level, much more than words had the ability to explain, so in the end, you decided to push your own internal struggle aside and instead chose to put him first. Compared to your conflict, his was much more substantial, and you would be damned if you continued to keep your mouth shut about it. It didn’t matter if Sousuke didn’t think of you in the same way you thought of him, because above all else, he was your friend. You would always put his needs before your own, regardless of the cost, and you weren’t going to lose a friendship that had remained unbending for so long.
Both of you suffering in silence was something you wouldn’t put up with any longer, and in reality, it shouldn’t have been something you both had to deal with in the first place.
. . .
You finally broke the tension on the day that Rin’s race was scheduled.
Before you went to go search for Sousuke, you approached the redhead, who was preparing in the swimming arena. You could tell that the worry was consuming him from the inside, and you really couldn’t blame him for it. Still, you didn’t want a rainy cloud to permanently linger, so you tried your hand at introducing a tone of humor. “Normally I would wish you luck, but we already know you’re not going to need it,” you chuckled, and to your relief, your words managed to elicit a smile from Rin.
“Well, you’re one to talk. You’re going to dominate the race on Thursday,” He responded, and you thanked him in return. Truth be told, your thoughts had been solely revolving around him and Sousuke for the past few weeks, so you had more or less forgotten about your own upcoming competition. Still, you appreciated the fact that Rin had remembered.
The atmosphere grew serious as you inhaled, preparing for what you would say next. “Rin.. I–” you started, but the other swimmer had already cut you off.
“I know.” He said, firmly yet gently. “You’re going to confront Sousuke about it.”
Surprised, you blinked, but Rin merely gave you an unimpressed look. “Have you forgotten that I’ve been friends with you two since we were kids?” He asked. “Of course I knew what you were going to say.”
“Oh, yeah..” You rubbed your neck sheepishly.
Rin sighed, although it was clear that he wasn’t angry in the slightest. “Honestly, it was about time. I was wondering when you’d finally talk to him.”
Somehow, you had the feeling that his words held more than one meaning, and that he was aware of how you felt about Sousuke, but you didn’t get the chance to ask. His face grew earnest, and he took a step towards where you stood, making it clear that he wanted only you to hear his next words.
“When I think about it, you’ve always been closer to Sousuke than I was,” Rin admitted. You analyzed his expression carefully. His brows were furrowed by the slightest fraction, and his jaw held the smallest bit of tension; his eyes, however, were a bit more obvious, containing a hint of what seemed like longing, as well as another emotion that you couldn’t quite decode. Remaining quiet but attentive, you let him continue. “When I transferred in our sixth year, you stayed with him, and you’ve been by his side ever since.”
“You’re right, but.. what are you trying to say, Rin?” You asked softly.
He lifted his head and looked you in the eye. “You have a much better chance of getting Sousuke to tell the truth, [Name].”
Your eyes widened at Rin’s response. Not because he was wrong, but because he was right . You just hadn’t realized it until now, having been blinded by your own fears. Chuckling, you shook your head, “God, now I look even more stupid.”
“Oblivious, not stupid.” The redhead corrected, a smile tracing his lips. “Now go talk to him.”
You nodded, a mutual understanding being shared between the two of you. “I will. Good luck on your race, Rin.”
He thanked you, and you gave him one last smile before going off to search for Sousuke. Considering you were in a building that housed some of the most major swimming competitions, you were surprised to see that not many people were wandering the hallways and corridors. Then again, you supposed that it was because they were occupied with preparing for the upcoming relays.
At any rate, such a vacant space made it quite easier to locate Sousuke.
You walked into a more secluded area that was a bit out of the way from the main section, your gaze immediately scanning the entire expanse. Without even knowing it, you were holding your breath, and you were quick to exhale once you spotted an all-too-familiar figure slouched over by the bench, near the rows of rectangular windows. Now or never. “Sousuke,” you called out, immediately drawing his attention. He lifted his head up, and the first thing you noticed about him was that his teal eyes, normally bright with consistent strength and vigor, were dull, like he was strained with inexplicable fatigue.
You likely weren’t far off from the truth, you realized as you approached him. “What do you want?” He asked. Something about his voice stung deeper than it ever had before; you’d never heard him sound so emotionless before.
“I want you to tell me what’s going on,” you say, your tone soft yet firm, moving to sit down on the other end of the bench. Knowing that he was hurting, one way or another, you made sure to create a safe distance between the two of you. It was far enough to give him some form of comfort, but still close enough to let him know that you were there. “I’m worried about you. So is Rin. You haven’t been acting the same.”
“I’m fine.” He still wasn’t budging.
“Sou, please, don’t lie.”
“[Name], I already told you. I’m fine.” He repeated, albeit with a hint of impatience. You were starting to affect him, you could tell, and that was exactly what you needed.
Just another push.
“No, Sousuke, you’re not. You know it, and so do I.” You pressed. “There’s nothing wrong with admitting that, so please don’t be afraid to say it.”
It seemed like the last sentence you said was what truly triggered the sudden eruption of Sousuke’s long-restrained anger. Suddenly banging his fist on the bench’s wooden surface, he yelled out, “It’s nothing, alright? Leave me alone!”
Being on the receiving end of Sousuke’s fury hurt, but you stood strong for his sake. You knew that he was hurting far, far more than you were right now. Pursing your lips, you stared at the marble ground for a few moments, thinking of what to do next. Then, you lifted your gaze up. “Roll your left shoulder.”
It was quiet for a singular second. “What?”
“Your left shoulder, Sousuke.” You repeated. “Roll it.”
He was frozen for a few more moments, and you could see just how reluctant he was. Still, with the slightest movement, he followed your command, and that was when you witnessed the sight that confirmed your worst suspicions.
With a pained grunt that seemed to echo within the empty room, he grimaced.
“You’re injured.” While the world was perfectly clear for one moment, without warning, it became blurry in the next. Tears stung your eyes, and you swiftly raised a hand to wipe them away before they fell. “How long have you kept this a secret?”
Complete and utter silence enveloped the two of you in the empty room, and just when it started to feel as if you’d suffocate, you heard Sousuke’s voice. “I really can’t lie to you anymore, can I?” He chuckled quietly. “It.. happened two years ago. Pushed myself too hard during training.”
You exhaled, a bit shakier than usual, but that didn’t deter you from standing up suddenly. “You wanna go for a walk? Maybe go somewhere more private?” There was a strong feeling within your heart that the conversation would only grow more personal in all its vulnerability, so you wanted to ensure that the location it was held in was only fitting.
For the second time since you walked into the room, Sousuke lifted his head to look at you. “I know a place.”
. . .
Just a few minutes later, the two of you were standing a fair distance away from the building. Safe from prying eyes and hidden by an emerald blanket of sunlight-swept trees, you regained your bearings, listening to the faint sound of birds chirping overhead. “You know,” you started softly, reaching out to catch a lone leaf within the palm of your hand. “I can’t really remember the exact moment when the three of us became interested in swimming. All I know is that there had always been this sense of rivalry. Whenever we dove into the water, it was something unspoken between us. That swimming was more than just a sport.”
Sousuke let out a quiet hum of agreement, his eyes glazing over with a kind of nostalgic longing that you recognized all too easily. “It was our dream.”
“Yeah, it was.” You smiled. However, with flashes of different memories swarming your mind like a photobook, it didn’t last long. “But it felt like you’d changed when Rin told us he was transferring.”
The other swimmer shook his head. “Maybe it looked like I did,” he said, “but the truth was that things remained the same. It didn’t matter if Rin left because we still had the same goal. To eventually stand on that big international stage, all three of us right next to each other.”
At that moment, it felt like the gears had shifted, turning and twisting into place in order to finally form a well-oiled machine. Sousuke’s words were enough for you to realize a crucial component of the story, and to understand just why the situation had turned out the way it did. “That’s why you pushed yourself so hard, isn’t it?” You asked gently, and with the way that his shoulders tensed noticeably, you knew what the answer was. “All throughout middle school, you were only focused on swimming. I bet you were like that once you reached high school, too.”
There was a pang of guilt that ghosted over your heart. You couldn’t help but imagine, if only briefly, how things might have ended up differently had you been at Sousuke’s side when high school started.
“You know me too well.” Sousuke admitted. “Every day, I practiced for hours on end. Eventually I climbed my way to the top, and I became the best. But then, one day, I started feeling pain in my shoulder.”
The stinging in your eyes returned. “Why didn’t you tell anyone about it?”
“Because I thought I didn’t need to. The issues were manageable at first. I could win races without being affected, so I ignored the warning signs, and I kept swimming. Within time, it got worse. Every single day, it became more and more painful.” Sousuke paused, and almost instinctively, he rubbed his left arm, fingers smoothing over his Samezuka jacket’s ebony fabric. His vulnerable gaze met yours, and it softened once he saw the tears welling up in your eyes. “But I kept going because I wanted to swim with you and Rin.”
“You know,” you sniffled, trying your best to wipe away the incoming tears, but to no avail. “You are the single most stubborn person I know, Sousuke. Always ignoring your needs in order to achieve your goals, even if it meant that you got hurt. I don’t know why you do this to yourself.”
As a flurry of tears ran down the expanse of your face, silence hung in the air, and Sousuke merely stared at you. No words left his mouth. Even so, at that moment, it looked like there were a million things he wanted to say.
And then, finally, he uttered two sentences in particular.
“I do it because the pain is nothing compared to how I feel when I’m with you.” He breathed out. “And I knew that if I told you about my injury, it would break your heart.”
Time itself seemed to stop, and for what felt like an eternity, the only sound that was heard was a birdsong. You were frozen in place, unable to do anything but look at Sousuke with wide eyes.
Finally, the sheer weight of his words registered in your mind, sinking in with a depth that was unrivaled. “Sousuke..” You whispered. “You..?”
“Yes,” he answered without hesitation. There was no hint of deceit visible whatsoever. Nothing in his voice, face, or body gave the impression that he was lying, and it made you realize that he meant every word he said. “I like you, [Name].”
Overwhelmed with a confusing mix of emotions—relief, sadness, anger, and joy—you were left unable to do anything but stand there in place, still attempting to wipe off all the traces of your tears. “You really do have the worst timing,” you hiccuped, and even though both of you were experiencing a tidal wave of raw, unfiltered sentiment, a genuine chuckle left Sousuke’s mouth. The sound managed to make you feel a very distinct twinge of pride—that you, at least, were able to make him laugh during such a deeply vulnerable time—and with a sudden burst of what vaguely resembled confidence, you stepped towards him.
Having known you better than anyone else, Sousuke got the message, immediately opening his arms and wrapping them around your smaller figure. His touch was soothing because of how familiar it was; he held you securely, letting you know that he was there, just as you had been for him. “You don’t have to say anything right now,” he stated tenderly. “I know I dumped a lot on you in just a few seconds, and I’m sorry. I didn’t know when the right time was.”
“You’re an idiot,” you sniffled, burying your face in his chest as you felt him laugh quietly once more. “But, for the record, I like you too, and even though I’m still angry, it’s good to know that you feel the same.” It truly was liberating, and in a way, some of the weight that had been put on your shoulders was now removed.
Sousuke nodded, letting you pull away as his magnetic teal eyes met your own. “I’m sorry for what I did. I didn’t want you to see me broken down like that.” He apologized earnestly. “The thought of me being seen as weak was terrifying, and I let it cloud my judgment.”
The fact that he—an openly stoic person who had a tendency to leave his emotions locked away—recognized his mistake and apologized for it caused relief to bloom across your chest. Sousuke really did have the ability to be in tune with his feelings when it was needed. “You are one of the strongest people I know, Sousuke.” You asserted. “But you need to understand that strength also means admitting that you’re hurt instead of keeping it hidden.”
“Yeah, now I know. You made me realize that.” His words made you smile, and you looked up at him with such tenderness that he couldn’t help but smile back. “But there’s one more thing I want to tell you.”
“What is it?”
“I want to swim with Rin one last time, and I want you to be there to watch.” Sousuke stated. “I know that it’s going to make my injury worse, and I know that it’ll hurt like hell and only make you more upset, but this is my last race with him. I want to stand by what I promised, so—”
Gently, you interrupted him, “I’ll be there, Sousuke.”
He froze, entirely caught off-guard by your response. “Really?”
“I know how much this means to you. Swimming with Rin has been your dream for years now, and I’m not going to stop you from achieving it. If anything, I’m going to support you.” You responded. “It’s the right thing to do.”
At that moment, it seemed like he was going to be the one who burst out in tears, and if he did, you would have hugged him just as he did to you. Earnest appreciation radiated from every inch of his being, and with a surprisingly soft voice, Sousuke admitted, “I’m really glad to hear that, [Name]. Looks like there was no need for me to worry.”
"Of course." You hummed, before pausing to think. "Just promise me two things."
Sousuke looked you in the eye, giving you every ounce of his attention. “Anything.”
“First, promise me that you’ll get your injury checked out after the race.” You stated, your fingers digging into the fabric of your school jacket.
He nodded steadily. “I will. What’s the other promise?”
You gathered your bearings as best you could, your heart fluttering in both anticipation and anxiety. With crossed fingers, you hoped that you wouldn’t make a fool out of yourself. Taking a deep breath, you tilted your head up to look at him, and stated, “Kiss me.”
To your surprise, Sousuke didn’t look fazed at all. Instead, he smiled, looking as if he already knew what you were going to say. “Alright,” he breathed, reaching out to gently place his warm, calloused hand on the smooth skin of your cheek. Then, he leaned down, his teal eyes slowly sliding shut as his mouth finally met your own. Sousuke’s lips were soft and slightly chapped, and he smelled of cedarwood and chlorine: a comforting scent that only belonged to him.
You felt him smile into the kiss, and with everything else fading into the background for just a few, blissful moments, you pulled him closer.