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“Wow. Rei, come look at this.”
"Huh?" Rei looks up from doing the dishes. He hates doing them but Kazuki and him agreed to split household duties equally so they alternate between whos doing the dishes (something they both dislike) and who’s putting Miri to bed in the evenings (something they both love and cherish).
Kazuki just returned from Miri’s room. He is sitting at their dinner table, trying to put away the mess they made earlier while sorting through all of Miri’s daycare materials. From parent info sheets to invitations for events to all of her arts and crafts - they used to keep everything in a box in Miri’s room. Nothing was thrown out, because everything served as a constant reminder of what they had achieved and how hard they fought to get here.
However, with the holidays coming up, Miri spontaneously decided that it was time to clean out her room and “make space for all the new things Santa will bring her”. This had come as a bit of a shock for her dads, as Miri never really asked for much in the past. Not for her birthday or other holidays. She must have picked up on other kids at the daycare talking about the mountains of presents Santa will bring them.
With Rei and Kazuki having quit their former jobs though, they’ve been living off Rei's dwindling family fortune, the small part he has access to.
Times are tough, so Kazuki decided to start working at a cafe a few weeks ago. He didn’t want to get a job and leave Rei alone at home with the other chores while his arm was still incapacitated, but the injury has had enough time to heal by now. It will never fully heal, but Rei was able to at least regain a little bit of motion, so Kazuki decided it was the right time to start a new career. A legal one.
Still, the new job doesn’t pay nearly as much as the old one and they will inevitably have to talk to Miri about that. The holidays aren’t supposed to be about consumerism anyway but are about spending time as a family, better to teach her young. They are sure she will understand.
“What did you want to show me, now?” Rei put away the damp dishcloth and made his way into the dining area.
“Look. It's already been a year since… since that day.” Kazuki holds a piece of paper, something that looks like a ticket.
“What day?”
“The day we thought we would have to say goodbye to Miri forever. The day we all went to ride the ferris wheel together. That was one year ago tomorrow.”
Ah.
That day.
Upon closer inspection, Rei recognizes the Ferris wheel ticket Kazuki is holding. It’s still a painful memory, even if they got Miri back in the end. Too much blood was spilled in the process though… Too many lives lost.
That day marks the first time Rei almost lost his little family. It was so hard for him to let Miri go, but he thought he was doing the right thing. They both did.
The second time he almost lost his loved ones was when his fathers executioner tried to eliminate them. He succeeded with Miri’s mother, almost succeeded with Kazuki. The image of his partner on the floor, bleeding - these moments will haunt him forever. Rei still thinks it’s a miracle how Miri was able to sleep through all of it.
Then the third time, when he was ready to risk it all trying to put an end to the threats of his father. Their little family made it, persevered against all odds.
Back then he wouldn't have dared to even dream about where they may be a year later.
“One year…"
“I think we should celebrate the occasion. That just feels right, after all we accomplished.” Kazuki places the ferris wheel ticket on the keep -pile.
“Yeah, what are you thinking?”
“I think we should take Miri back to the ferris wheel. Remember how much she loved it last time? Maybe we should make it a tradition. Our very own family tradition.”
“Are you sure?” Rei isn't convinced of this idea. It could end up ripping open the barely healed wounds of the past by bringing back these memories. The worry must have been noticeable on his face, because Kazuki picks up on it.
“I know what you're thinking but… we can just replace those bad memories with good ones. What do you think?”
That sounds reasonable. Maybe they should at least give it a try.
“Okay. Let's do it.”
***
The next day after getting Miri from daycare, they surprise her with a trip to the adventure mall - just as they had done the year before.
Kazuki and Miri go climbing again while Rei observes them from the ground. As much as he would like to participate, he doesn’t want to put any strain on his bad arm and risk the healing process. Just watching his favourite people having fun is enough to satisfy him though, and he is happy to notice how much progress Miri has made within just one year.
They grow so fast.
After sharing a big cup of ice cream, they decide to hit up the arcade where Kazuki spends a little too much of their money on a claw machine, trying to win a cat plush for Miri. After a bunch of failed attempts and almost out of change, Kazuki finally gives in and begrudgingly lets Rei take over. Rei gets the toy out on his first try. Instead of being mad, Kazuki just laughs about the very particular skill-set of his partner.
Towards the end of their day, all three (or four, if you count Miri’s new plush cat) walk over to the ferris wheel. Rei and Kazuki didn’t tell Miri what they were planning but as soon as she spots it she jumps up excitedly.
“Papas, are we going to ride the big wheel?”
“Yes, Miri, we are.” Kazuki sounds almost as excited as his daughter. “Do you remember the first time we went here?”
“Uhm… yes! I could see the whole world!”
Rei can briefly see her eyes sparkle before she runs off towards the wheel. After smiling at each other for a second, Rei and Kazuki follow her to the entrance.
It’s already getting dark, which is the perfect time to ride the ferris wheel in Kazuki’s opinion. All the lights are on and there are even more lights than usual with the holiday decorations everywhere.
In the cabin, Miri is immediately glued to the window, watching the buildings slowly become smaller as they are moving up. She seems so fascinated by the view and all the lights.
“It looks the same as last time.” Rei speaks to Kazuki in a low voice so Miri won’t be disturbed by their conversation.
“But it doesn't feel the same.” Kazuki is smiling, however there is something else in his eyes. Something deeper.
“Yeah. This year is happy, not sad.”
After a brief pause where both men just look outside to enjoy the view, Kazuki feels like he has to talk about what’s on his mind.
“That ride, back then… It changed something in me.”
Rei just nods. He too could feel it the last time they were all here. It was a strange moment, one that stuck with him and apparently he wasn’t alone with that. He doesn’t say anything, instead let’s Kazuki go on.
“I wanted to just forget about everything that was happening outside of this cabin and just enjoy that perfect moment but… then it ended before I was ready for it to end.”
He looks over to Miri again but she is still too busy looking at everything and talking to her plush cat. Knowing she isn’t paying attention to them, Kazuki continues.
“All I wanted was to keep this little family, and to show the ones I love most how much they actually mean to me before they would be taken from me and I’d never get that chance again.”
“It was also hard for me to let Miri go, but we did what we thought was the best at the time. You explained it to me and you were right. It was us being involved that caused the whole mess. But it’s over now, and Miri knows how much you love her. You are a good papa.”
It’s hard to tell in the dim light, but Rei thinks he can see Kazuki blush a bit.
“Thank you Rei. You are too. But… I wasn’t only talking about her.”
“Huh?”
“I never told you about this but… I wanted you, Rei. Even before we decided to be a family and long before we actually talked about our feelings. The whole time we worked together, I wanted you.
Now Rei is the one blushing, this was not what he expected to hear. This was supposed to be all about Miri. That day last year, their thoughts were only with their daughter and saying goodbye to her… right?
Kazuki sighs. “Do you have any Idea how hard it was to concentrate during our missions when all I wanted was to just… have you. I wanted to tell you, wanted to be closer and take care of you. And then when we found Miri and it was like a dream come true for me. I finally had what I always wanted, what I thought I had lost forever. I had my family, a real family. Yet there was something missing but I didn’t know how to talk to you. And then I almost never got the chance.”
Rei only listens to Kazuki with one ear because his mind is starting to race. He never knew Kazuki had wanted him the whole time. Had he really been that oblivious? Before Kazuki came into his life, he never even let himself think about other people like this. He was taught to not get attached to anything, to not develop feelings for anything because eventually, it will either hurt you or give the enemy an advantage over you.
But Kazuki was so different, he contradicted everything Rei had ever been taught. At first it was his smile that got Rei’s attention, not many people smile like this in their line of work.
No. Nobody does. Nobody smiles like Kazuki.
It took Rei a while to even understand the attachment he was developing for his partner back then and even longer to accept it. The first instinct was to push Kazuki away and suppress these feelings, but that had always felt wrong.
It was only after Miri came into their lives, when Rei got a glimpse of how a different life could look like for him, only then did he allow himself to really feel . But just like Kazuki, he didn't know how to bring any of it up.
If he’d known, if they both had known they were going through the same thing at the time… they could have saved themselves from all these months of pining for each other.
What would have happened if they talked about it sooner? Maybe they would have dealt with Rei’s father sooner, and maybe then Miri would still have a mother.
But on the other hand, what would have happened if they never found Miri and thus were never forced to talk about whatever this was between them? Would they still just be stuck with a hopeless one sided crush that - as it turns out - was never one sided at all? Or would Rei just never have let himself acknowledge these feelings and Kazuki would have eventually moved on?
Too many variables.
Kazuki reaching out to hold his hand in his own brings Rei back to the present, away from chasing hypothetical scenarios in his head that won’t lead anywhere. Instead, he now pays attention to what Kazuki is saying.
“That day, right here in the ferris wheel, I knew my dream was about to come to an end. And I had accepted that. I think we both had. But I still wanted to experience this one last perfect day. Just one. And we did everything, from climbing to sharing ice cream and taking a ferris wheel ride together. All that was perfect, but… there was one last thing that we never got to do which I regret. One last thing that would have made the moment truly perfect.”
“And what… what is that?” Rei asks him even though he has a feeling he knows where this is going. At least now he does.
“Oh rei. You really didn’t realize?”
That is right. He didn’t realize it back then, didn’t understand that Kazuki felt the same way about him. He was too emotionally overwhelmed by the situation with Miri. It’s not like he didn’t want to do it but he’d never have initiated anything, mostly out of fear of the unknown. This was something he couldn’t control, something that didn’t come naturally to him. But it’s different now compared to one year ago.
Everything is different now.
He learned so much over this past year and now he does understand, and there is no somber mood, no looming threat to distract them this time…
“Let’s not talk about last year. What about now?” Rei can feel his heartbeat accelerate.
“Now? I don’t think you understand how badly I want to kiss you right now.”
“No, I think I do.”
They both shift forward in their seats to be closer to each other, Kazuki cupping Rei’s face. His eyes are sparkling in the low light.
Rei needs to be closer, leaning forward until their lips are about to touch.
Just a little bit more…
“Look papas! We’re all the way up now. I can see everything! Come on papas, you’ll miss it!”
Immediately, Kazuki removes his hand from Rei’s face and they both turn to face Miri instead. Rei wants it back, wants to give Kazuki this perfect moment he dreamed of.
But it’s too late. Their moment has passed, again.
Kazuki moves closer to Miri to look outside the window with her so Rei follows. Miri points out their house and is so excited to also find her daycare in the sea of lights below them.
Together they admire the view of the town. The same view that is tied to so much pain from the last time they saw it. But not anymore. As he’s looking outside, Rei notices the pain is gone. This memory that stuck with him for so long, that haunted him, it’s gone now. Replaced by this new one.
That future they had to let go a year ago - They now get to live it.
They may not have gotten their chance to have the long-desired ferris wheel kiss, but they can always do that later. Because when the ride is over, they will all go home together - no more separation. Knowing that they will never have to say goodbye to Miri and that their family will stay together is so much more important than a romantic moment high above the city.
…and there is always next year.