Chapter Text
Halfway through Freshman year, Jackie Taylor has her first real kiss. She’d had chances in Middle School of course, but wasn’t about to swap spit with every random boy who glanced her way like some kind of kiss-slut. No. It’s supposed to be special. So, she waits until one day, Jeff Sadecki – pretty much the cutest guy in their year – passes her the most adorable note in class. And sure, he almost certainly didn’t write it himself (he wasn’t exactly acing any of his classes) but, like, it’s the thought that counts right?
So, she lets him kiss her. And it’s… underwhelming, to say the least.
She’s sure it must be her fault because he’s kissed at least two other girls that she knows of, which means he’s pretty much an expert. So obviously, she needs some practice before she embarasses herself again.
A day later, she has her second kiss with her best friend Shauna, and… it pretty much ruins her life.
It was never supposed to be a big deal; friends practise kissing together all the time. She’s seen it on TV and read about it in magazines. It’s almost like a rite of passage for any teenage girl. And who better to practise with than her best friend in the whole world? Shauna is really pretty and she smells amazing, so kissing her wouldn’t be any kind of hardship. It could even be fun. Except it turns out to be more than that. When their lips meet, it’s like her skin is set on fire, but in a good way – a way that just makes her all hot and kind of melty.
It feels like something is doing somersaults in her stomach, flipping over and over like she’s careening down the tallest peak of a rollercoaster. She wants it to go on forever. Who needs food or water when you could just keep kissing Shauna Shipman for an eternity? It’s nothing like kissing Jeff. Not underwhelming or awkward, just… perfect.
The thought makes her freeze. She draws back, her heart pounding in her chest as Shauna’s soulful deep brown eyes slowly flutter open. She’s so beautiful, Jackie realises. Not just pretty but honest to God the most beautiful girl Jackie has ever seen. And kissing her feels like what she’s pretty sure kissing Jeff is supposed to feel like.
And suddenly she’s never been so scared.
Because Jackie is absolutely not like that. No way. Her mother would quite literally kill her and she’s not about to go through life being stared at like some kind of freak. She’s pretty and popular and boys really like her. And one day she’s going to marry one and have his babies and the sudden allure of Shauna’s captivatingly full lips was absolutely not going to change that.
So she puts it to the back of her mind, because what else can she do? It was a stupid fluke, that’s all. One that won’t be happening again so it’s best to just forget it. And so what if kissing Jeff never feels anywhere near as good? Kissing Shauna was probably only so exciting because it was wrong. Or… not wrong, but… forbidden. Kind of like the way pausing a movie at exactly the right moment to see Bruce Willis’ schlong is only thrilling because she knows it’s kind of lewd. It’s the mischief of it all that makes it exciting. So she’s pretty sure the same applies to kissing practice. Normal kissing isn’t meant to feel like that.
So that’s the matter settled.
Except, she never quite manages to stop glancing at Shauna’s lips. Even years later, when she’s made out with Jeff more times than she can count, been subject to his awkward fumblings and incompetent touches, she still catches herself wondering if Shauna would taste the same as she did back then. If it would feel the same as when they were giggling freshmen, naively ‘practising’ on her bed.
Sometimes when they’re drunk at some party, Jackie allows herself to think about backing Shauna into some darkened corner and capturing her mouth with her own. She thinks about the taste of her lips and the brushing of their tongues, about the soft little gasp that Shauna might make, right before a half-strangled moan. It makes her whole body thrum with want, but it’s definitely just the booze talking.
Definitely.
***
At first, Shauna’s distance after the crash seems completely understandable. They’re in the ass end of nowhere, like a bazillion miles from home with rescue nowhere to be seen. It’s crazy and traumatic – more than enough to make anyone act a little weird. But Shauna is being… extra weird. For months she flits between the close, supportive best friend she’s always known and this cold, distant girl Jackie barely even recognises.
What if she knows? Jackie starts to wonder. At the party just before they left Wiskayok, there’d been way too much drinking and much too little caution. What if Shauna had seen the hunger in her eyes when they were dancing? An icy shard of fear sits heavy in Jackie’s gut, wondering if Shauna had guessed at the sinful, deluded little fantasies Jackie fights so hard to keep buried, and now she’s all grossed out and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. It would be stupid! Because it’s not like Jackie would actually follow through on any of those types of thoughts. It’s just the alcohol. It makes her flirty, or whatever.
She’s probably overthinking anyway. There’s no way Shauna could know any of that. Especially when Jackie made sure to dance with Jeff more towards the end of the night.
So maybe Shauna is still mad about the whole Randy Walsh thing, which again, would be stupid, because Jackie was only trying to help. It’s not like she wants Shauna to date. The idea makes her irrationally upset if anything. But if Shauna had a boyfriend, they could double date – third wheeling her and Jeff all the time can’t be fun. And Randy seemed like a good choice because… well, at least Shauna would never like him more than she likes her.
Jackie supposes her motives sound a little selfish when she puts it like that, but Shauna is her best friend. Why would she want her to be all obsessed with some guy? She needs quality best friend time.
Which is exactly why being ignored out here in the wilderness is doing nothing to improve her mood. Admittedly, she’s already pretty cranky. She’s not about to go feral and adapt to this weird living-off-the-land type lifestyle everyone else seems to dive headfirst into. She sucks at pretty much all this survival stuff and everyone knows it. It’s all so far beyond her skillset that even Misty fucking Quigley has become more respected among her friends than she is right now. They used to look to their captain for guidance. Now she’s a joke, and it’s only making her more prickly by the second.
They’ve missed graduation. She and Shauna are probably supposed to be at Rutgers together by now, decorating their dorm or celebrating her birthday. God, has she already missed her birthday? It’s hard to tell exactly how long they’ve been lost or what month it might be. But it’s getting colder, which is a good sign that she might already be nineteen and just not know it.
And instead of partying and living the college life, she’s here. In the forest. With a group of friends that grow more frustrated with her by the day. With Shauna chief among them apparently. She doesn’t even sleep beside her anymore, her best friend choosing to huddle up in the attic with Tai and Van instead. Jackie misses her warmth at night. Misses their closeness. So one day, when it’s all too much she demands to know what the hell is going on. And the answer is nothing like she thought it would be.
Shauna is pregnant.
Shauna, who she didn’t even know wasn’t a virgin until right that moment. Who apparently didn’t even tell her that she’d supposedly slept with Randy fucking Walsh of all people at a party. What kind of bizarro world are they living in, where Shauna would decide to keep a secret like that?
So she knows right away that something must be wrong. That there has to be something else Shauna isn’t telling her. Because she doesn’t even like Randy, and Jackie can’t believe that that would change even after a hundred drinks.
There’s no pleasure in what Jackie decides to do next. Resorting to reading Shauna’s diary is not among her proudest moments, but if there’s something wrong with her best friend, Jackie should know right? There’s no way for her to fix the problem if she doesn’t know what it is.
So she reads, and reads, and reads. And her whole world falls out from under her.
Jeff’s baby. Shauna is pregnant with Jeff’s baby.
The urge to vomit is almost instant. The idea of them together burns, white hot vicious flames of hate and hurt searing her from the inside.
The worst part of all of it is that Jackie doesn’t give a shit about Jeff. She realises it in that exact moment. Because really, deep down she’s always known that she’s been so hopelessly and completely gone for Shauna from the moment their lips first touched. And she’s spent every second since then trying to pretend otherwise.
But this. This violent, aching pain. This heartbreak, renders it a fact as clear as day. She’s head over heels for Shauna Shipman… and Shauna fucking hates her. Lied to her. Betrayed her. Slept with her fucking boyfriend. And as much as she should hate her, some small part of her pathetic heart is still shattered at the thought of Shauna loving Jeff while Jackie spent every waking minute pining for her. All this time she spent desperately trying to shove her feelings down for the sake of their friendship, Shauna was apparently lusting after Jeff fucking Sadecki.
Every smile and laugh and memory is tainted by it. All of Jackie’s happiest moments are one’s Shauna spent stewing in jealousy and resentment.
It’s a knife to the heart.
She was right that day, all the way back in Freshman year… kissing Shauna Shipman really did ruin her life.
***
“How did we end up like this?” Jackie asks. They’ve been sitting in silence together in the bedroom for what feels like hours, left to ‘talk things out’ by the other girls now that Jackie has ‘thawed out’, as Van puts it. The frost has long since been chased away, but she still finds comfort in wrapping the blanket around her shoulders even tighter, like its embrace will protect her from whatever Shauna has to say. “When did you start hating me?”
“I never hated you. Not really.” Shauna shakes her head at the disbelieving expression her words prompt. “I hated the way you would steamroll over me. Make decisions for me. Like you had my whole life planned out for me and I didn’t get any say in it. It was always about what you wanted.”
“But you never said anything, Shauna. I’m not a fucking mind-reader. How was I supposed to know how you were feeling if you wouldn’t tell me about it?”
“I shouldn’t have to ask my best friend to care about what I want.”
Jackie flinches. “Is that what you think? That I don’t care?”
“I mean, sometimes.” It’s phrased almost like a question. “I know you don’t mean to do it, but ever since we were kids you’ve always gotten what you wanted. You just expect everyone to do things your way. We’ll both join the soccer team because you want to. We’ll go to the college you choose, decorate the room how you want it-”
“Alright, Jesus, we don’t have to go with the pink and green colour scheme.”
“It’s not about the fucking colour scheme.”
A weary sigh escapes Jackie’s lips. “I know.”
The silence descends once more, like a thick heavy shroud weighing them both down, ridden with guilt and so much baggage it’s hard to see how they’ll fight through any of it.
“So I’m a pretty shitty friend. Fine. But why Jeff? Are you, like…” Jackie almost chokes on the words, terrified of the answer. “... Are you in love with him?
“No! God no, it’s not… it was never about Jeff.”
It shouldn’t feel like a weight has been lifted – Shauna still fucked him, after all – but it makes her feel a little lighter. Jackie isn’t sure she could have stomached some love-struck reunion between her boyfriend and her best friend. Ex-boyfriend , she reminds herself, because there’s no way in hell she wants anything to do with Jeff now – assuming they ever actually make it out of the wilderness alive.
“And you're not a shitty friend. It was just exhausting sometimes… feeling like I would do anything for you, while you wouldn't even think about what I might want. You were so caught up in what you wanted. And with Jeff ." She practically spits his name, which is odd coming from the girl who had so recently slept with him. "And I know I should have just talked to you. I just... I didn't. So I just… got this stupid, petty revenge behind your back instead.”
It sounds awful, laid out like that. But also, somehow, it makes sense. Like Jackie can finally connect the dots between point A and point B. How they went from inseparable best friends to… whatever mess they’re in right now.
It doesn’t make it sting any less.
Shauna shifts, nervously tugging at the cuffs of her shirt. “And I guess you were right before. I was jealous too, but it wasn’t…” Her teeth worry at her bottom lip, and Jackie finds herself instantly entranced. “I wasn’t jealous of you for having Jeff. None of it was about him.”
What the hell did that mean?
When it becomes clear Shauna doesn’t plan on elaborating, Jackie pivots to slightly less confusing territory. “I was so angry at you, Shauna. So fucking angry. I still am. I still don't understand how you could- I get that I hurt you. But it was never intentional. I would never have done what you did. You... You wanted to hurt me."
"I wanted to prove I could make decisions for myself that weren't all about making you happy!"
The shout reverberates through the room, before dying, and leaving only a tense quiet in its wake. Another heavy sigh heaves Jackie's chest. "Well, congratulations, because I'm pretty fucking miserable right now."
Shamefaced, Shauna bows her head. "I never wanted that."
The devastation written clearly on her face makes it hard not to believe her. "I'm still mad. But I guess almost dying is like… eye-opening, or whatever. So, I’m sorry, okay? For being a selfish asshole sometimes.”
Shauna looks at her like she just hung the moon. “I'm sorry too.”
“For spite-fucking my boyfriend, or deciding to do it twice?” Jackie shoots back, but there’s little venom to it. Somehow it almost trends towards humour.
“If it makes you feel better, it was nothing to write home about. Either time.”
Jackie’s not sure why that does in fact make her feel better, but it really, really does. “It was bad?”
“It was awful. I just… couldn’t stop thinking about you.”
Jackie’s eyes almost bug out of her head, until Shauna hurries to add: “Because of the guilt.”
“Right. Of course.”
The conversation quickly dwindles, leaving them with nothing but an excruciating silence. It’s hard to know where to go from here. What path to take that will lead them out of this no-man’s land and back towards their friendship. Or maybe they need a path forwards, instead of back – to something new, built on understanding and equal respect, rather than the bitter, unbalanced mess they’d made of everything before.
“I know we both screwed stuff up, and I don’t really know where we stand now. All I do know is that when I saw you out there in the snow… I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. I really thought you were…” Shauna doesn’t need to say it. Jackie had felt it herself, her spirit dancing on the verge of death.
“I meant what I said. I don’t want to hate you,” Jackie offers. “I don’t really know what I want, but I don't want that.”
It’s not much, but it’s enough for now. The rest, Jackie figures, they’ll work out as they go.
***
It’s far from the last conversation they have on the topic. Far from even being the last argument, but they spend every night huddled together regardless, Shauna gripping at the fabric of Jackie’s clothes as if Jackie might disappear through the night if she doesn’t. Sometimes she wakes up screaming Jackie’s name, tears flowing down her face. Jackie doesn’t need to ask about the nightmares, because sometimes she has the same one, where Shauna doesn’t wake up in time, and the snow swallows her whole.
When they wake, they separate, deciding that maybe a little time apart would be healthy for now. Jackie spends her time trying hard to be more helpful, and though her skills are initially limited to fetching water, her efforts are appreciated nonetheless. Nat takes pity on her at one point, setting their differences aside to try showing her how to shoot, but after an accident that nearly left Travis without any toes on his left foot, she gets quickly relegated to chopping firewood. It turns out there’s something quite cathartic about heaving an axe and smashing wood into small blocks. Strength and muscle mass she doesn’t exactly have in abundance, but she does have a whole lot of anger; the wood doesn’t stand a chance.
She and Shauna share a tentative, unsure sort of half-smile whenever they pass each other through the day, with the distance between them filled with yearning, hurt and hesitance. At least until the sun goes down, when they curl up beside each other to sleep once more.
Jackie knows she shouldn’t, but sometimes she stays up long enough to watch Shauna sleep. She tries to summon the resentment she once felt about her betrayal, but she finds the jagged knife in her heart has faded to a dull throb, more tangled in self-admonishment than fury. Because how had she been so caught up in her own selfishness that she’d completely missed Shauna’s pain? It doesn’t absolve Shauna of her own mistakes, but maybe it makes them kind of even. At least enough that they can actually try to move forwards rather than dwelling on the past.
That is if Jackie can get past the bitter annoyance that Jeff of all people has had his hands on Shauna. It’s a childish sort of jealousy, she knows, but Shauna’s lips are entirely wasted on that idiot. Sure, she’d thought Jeff was nice enough – before he turned out to be a cheating scumbag – but he was so unworthy of Shauna. Jeff barely has two brain cells to rub together, while Shauna was brilliant enough to get accepted to Brown. It’s hard to know whether she should feel pride over how much of a genius her best friend is, or shame that Shauna hadn’t felt able to tell her about it.
A sudden jolt from Shauna's sleeping form interrupts her thoughts, drawing her attention to the tear dripping down her cheek and the quivering of her lip.
“Shauna… hey Shauna, wake up.” Jackie shakes her slightly until her eyes spring open, lost and unfocused until her gaze finally meets Jackie’s own. “You’re okay.”
Shauna launches at her, wrapping herself around Jackie until her cheek is pressed close against her chest. “You were dead. You froze and I couldn’t…”
“It’s okay. I’m right here, all toasty warm. See?”
Shauna trembles. “The baby died too. I thought… I thought that was what I wanted but, I don’t know if I can… I don’t know if I can do any of this.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re a fucking badass, Shipman. The strongest person I know.”
Shauna raises her head at that, looking Jackie dead in the eyes. It leaves little room between them, and Jackie’s wasted heart thuds in response.
“I’m so scared, Jackie.”
“I told you we’d get through it together, and you know I never lie. I might be ‘so self-centred I don’t even know that other people exist’…” she trails off, delighting when the self-deprecating jab causes Shauna’s mouth to twitch slightly in amusement. “... but I never lie.”
“You said that when you thought the baby was Randy’s.”
“You think that Jeff being the father would mean I let you go through this alone?”
Shauna shrugs, and it breaks Jackie’s heart a little.
“You know, Shipman, for someone so smart you’re pretty stupid. Are you sure you got into Brown, because- Ow!” A pinch to the side stops Jackie in her tracks, but the sting is worth it for the amused smile that has found its way onto Shauna’s lips. Jackie smiles right back at her, with her heart still hammering away beneath her chest.
“I love you.” She hears the words before she even realises she said them, and the earnest romanticism almost makes her cringe.
Shauna’s eyes grow wet, a multitude of emotions flitting across her face in quick succession. Awe. Longing. Sorrow. Until finally, she offers a soft, resigned smile and whispers, “Love you too.”
***
Any remaining distance between them evaporates after that. With the hatchet firmly buried, things probably seem to return to normal to any outside observer. But their friendship is different now. Still tentative, both taking care not to fall into old patterns. All the while, Jackie has a more difficult time than ever ignoring her own feelings; being so painfully aware of them induces the constant paranoia that everyone can see it written on her face.
Her pathetic crush must be pretty obvious, considering the comments the others make.
“Our fearsome woodcutter returns,” Tai quips one day, as Jackie returns from the woods with an armful of logs and kindling.
“I brought the wood, just don’t expect me to start any fires.”
“Oh don’t worry, I’m pretty sure we all remember the Jacksicle incident. Your shitty fire starting skills are the stuff of legend.” As quick with words as ever, Van had wasted no time in giving Jackie’s traumatic, near-death experience the worst name possible. “You go find your wife, and we’ll handle the fire.”
Jackie’s body goes rigid. Wife. Why the hell did Van have to word it like that? The wood in Jackie’s arms is thrown to the ground with more force than necessary, and she’s halfway through storming off before she even responds. “Fuck off, Van.”
“Woah. Looks like I touched a nerve.”
A pretty fucking big one. Wife. God, Jackie feels stupid. Her feelings must be so obvious the word ‘lesbian’ is probably flashing over her head like a big, gay, neon sign. And if Van can see it, who’s to say Shauna can’t? The wounds they’d carved in each other are only just starting to heal, the last thing she needs is to drive Shauna away with her useless, unrequited pining.
She winds up sitting by the lake with tears stinging her eyes. It’s where Nat finds her, who approaches her the same way one might move towards a frightened animal. As if Jackie might startle and flee at any second.
“You okay?”
“What do you care?” She’s being needlessly grumpy, Jackie knows, but she really isn’t in the mood for company.
“Fuck, you know 'sweet and optimistic' Jackie used to annoy the shit out of me, but this whole grumpy pessimism thing you're doing doesn't suit you." Nat grumbles. "Sorry for taking an interest I guess. Didn’t see anyone else out here checking up on you.”
“Then why are you? I basically… screwed your boyfriend." It comes out awkwardly. Ever since it happened, Jackie has been suitably shamed and embarrassed by the whole situation. Worst of all it hadn't even been worth it. Just… all kinds of wrong.
“You almost shot him too,” Nat adds casually, infuriating Jackie further. You mishandle a gun one time and nobody lets you forget it.
“So why the hell are you out here? Why are you being all weird and forgiving?”
Nat shrugs. “Why did you forgive Shauna?”
“That’s different.”
“‘Cause of your raging lady-boner?”
What the fuck ? Jackie’s mouth hangs open, aghast, starting to sputter a million different denials without actually managing to form any actual words. Nat holds her hands up in defence. “Van’s words, not mine.”
“What? Are you all just talking about this behind my back now? I’m not even-” Jackie cuts herself off. The protests seem pointless in the face of Nat’s disbelieving expression. “Does Shauna know?”
“No. But maybe she should?”
Jackie sighs. As if it’s that easy? As if she can just walk right over to Shauna and say, ‘hey I know you’re into guys and everything, considering you had no trouble screwing my boyfriend, but I’m basically in love with you. Hope that doesn’t make things weird!’ Why bother rocking the boat now that they’re finally in calmer waters? In fact that’s worse than rocking the boat. That’s like, punching holes in the bottom of it until it sinks.
Nat lets her sit for a while in silence, and Jackie is grateful for the time to think. Nat is a surprisingly cool, calm presence. Nothing like Jackie thought she would be. It occurs to her they’d never actually spent much time together, back home. Besides soccer, they never exactly ran in the same crowds and maybe Jackie had made some assumptions. Nat’s haircut, her clothes, her showing up to practice sometimes smelling like a distillery; Jackie had always kept her distance because all of it spelled trouble. Except, Nat is… pretty cool, once you get to know her. She’s kind and apparently forgiving, and her hunting skills have kept the group going for months when they probably all should have died ages ago.
“I’m sorry about Travis,” Jackie mumbles, ashamed.
Nat shrugs again. “Eh, don’t worry about it. I get the feeling he’s not really your type anyway.”
It’s the last straw. With a huff, Jackie slumps flat on her back, staring up at the sky like the answers to all her problems might be written in the clouds.
Nat flops down beside her. “You know it’s not a big deal, right?”
“And you'd know that how?”
A single brow raise is all it takes for Jackie to understand Nat’s insinuation. “Oh.”
Nat ploughs ahead, ignoring the surprise on Jackie’s face. “And for what it’s worth, nobody’s gossiping about you either. I heard Van and Tai talking about it sure, but it’s not like they’re spreading it around. They wouldn’t do that.”
A wave of relief washes over Jackie, soothing the anxious dread that had been plaguing her. With a single, reassured nod they return to a comfortable silence, watching the clouds roll by. When Nat eventually leaves her, it’s with a friendly pat to Jackie’s shoulder and it feels like the birth of an unlikely friendship, forged in the calm quiet of mutual understanding.
Then Jackie is alone with her thoughts, and the lake calls out to her. Peeling off her clothes, she wades into the freezing waters and floats there in the cold. It’s not quite the same cold she had felt that night, huddled outside as the snow started to fall. Some part of her had given up then, content to let sleep whisk her away into the dark. It was classic Jackie Taylor, really; competitive to a fault but giving up the second things got too hard. A sore loser, stubborn enough to just curl up and die rather than face her own faults for one second.
But things are different now. She’s different.
This time when her head goes under and the cold starts to seep into her skin, she pulls herself up to the surface and draws a deep breath into her lungs, before finally wading back to shore.
***
Jackie Taylor might be many things – not all of them good – but as of today, she’s done being a coward. There have been too many secrets out here. Too many lies. Too much hiding and repressing. So she’s resolved to try honesty for once, despite the yawning pit of terror that has situated itself in her chest.
She finds Shauna alone in the attic, writing in her journal. God, Jackie hates that journal.
“Writing about me again? Because you know, if I snore, you can tell me to my face.” It’s meant to be light-hearted, but she can’t quite help the nervous energy that slips into her voice.
Shauna smirks. “You do snore. But I was writing about you kicking me in your sleep.”
“I do not! I pretty much sleep like a disney princess and you know it.”
“Sleeping beauty's got nothing on you.”
As Jackie scoots up beside Shauna, she makes sure to playfully nudge her shoulder for the sarcasm, trying not to wallow in paranoia at the way Shauna quickly flips her journal closed. They’ve been through too much now. There’s no way Shauna could still be writing about those same resentments of old, not when Jackie has been trying so hard to do better.
“I just had to escape from down there. Misty and Crystal are doing a rendition of Cats . As in, the whole musical.”
Quiet laughter reverberates through Shauna’s chest. “Can’t believe I’m missing it.”
“Oh, don’t worry, I told them you’d want a repeat performance later.”
The laughter doubles. “You asshole.”
“You love it, Shipman.”
There’s a moment between the laughter starting and finally fading that seizes Jackie’s heart. Shauna just looks so fucking beautiful. Her dark eyes are alight with love and life and yearning. Though it's hard to tell if that last part is just a reflection from Jackie’s own gaze. Shauna’s smile eventually dissolves into something more serious – something nervous and heavy.
“I uhm, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something big, and I…” She sucks in a deep, stuttery breath, but before she can continue she jerks back, hand flying to her stomach. Without another word she grabs Jackie’s hand, pulling it towards the bump that had only grown in prominence with every passing month. The movement beneath Jackie’s palm takes her breath away. There’s a life in there. A real honest to God baby. Shauna’s baby. It’s the first time Jackie thinks about it in those terms, thinking beyond the betrayal or the horror of her having to give birth out here in the middle of nowhere. Feeling the small kicks beneath her hand, Jackie finally envisions the actual child, wrapped up in Shauna’s arms all small and delicate, and it fills her with so much love she can barely hold it in.
Shauna’s hands rest atop Jackie’s own, a small awe-struck smile on her face.
“I love you,” Jackie whispers before she can stop herself. The hand on top of hers squeezes lightly in response.
“Love you too.” The way Shauna says it is so innocent, so unknowing, that Jackie has to shake her head in response.
“No, I… I… Fuck, this is hard.” Words aren’t enough, she knows. She’s never been as good with words as Shauna anyway. Jackie shakes her head, frustrated and terrified. Unsure if she should just keep her mouth shut forever. What was she thinking anyway? What would telling Shauna even achieve? Humiliation, most likely. Maybe an end to their friendship forever. She’d promised herself she was done with cowardice, but what if-
The train of thought is derailed entirely when Shauna’s lips crash against her own. Soft, warm, insistent. Jackie’s whole body tenses in surprise. Shauna is kissing her – it feels almost surreal. She’s yearned for it so long, desperately, hopelessly, that she doesn’t quite know what to do now it’s suddenly happening. Within seconds Shauna is pulling away, eyes wide and panic stricken.
“I’m sorry, I thought-” Jackie captures the rest of Shauna’s words with her mouth, using a fistful of her shirt to draw Shauna’s lips right back to hers once more. Her eyes slip shut and she revels in the all-encompassing feeling of ‘finally’ that rolls over her like a wave. Shauna’s lips, her tongue, her contented sighs; it all feels just as perfect as it did in her bedroom all those years ago.
Jackie’s lips ghost across Shauna’s cheek, her jaw, her neck, sampling the skin there with ardent desperation. Shauna wants this – actually finally wants this – and Jackie isn’t about to waste a second of it.
Until suddenly a thought occurs to her. She pulls back and Shauna whines at the loss of contact. "Before, when you said you were jealous…"
Shauna looks sheepish and adorable, lips all kiss-swollen and tempting. "Of Jeff. I was jealous of Jeff. And I…" She pauses, clearly unsure whether she should say any more. Jackie yearns to hear it anyway. "I could taste you on him."
"That's really fucked up, Shipman."
Shauna shrugs innocently in response and Jackie can't help the grin that takes hold of her, still smiling even as she drags Shauna back in for another kiss. It's feverish and messy, both too high on the euphoria of being together to worry about being precise. But it's perfect.
Jackie fixes her lips against Shauna's neck once more, revelling in the soft gasp it elicits. Her whole body burns with heat. Planting kisses on every bit of skin she can reach, Jackie feels suddenly overwhelmed by need. It's fierce and hungry. She wants to consume and be consumed. Wants to merge their bodies and souls.
“I love you,” Jackie whispers again when her lips reach the skin just below Shauna’s ear, and she knows Shauna understands this time from the way her breath hitches in her throat. Hands nestle in her hair, pulling her even closer. Every inch of them is pressed together, faces buried in the crook of each other's necks. It feels almost holy. “You’re everything,” Jackie hears back, the words heavy with meaning, and her heart feels so full it could burst.