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They said one is naturally born into the world full of fear or love. Either of these two base feelings would a human be taught at such an early age. Still, even without the core emotion of fear or love, a human would naturally feel fear at some point. Still, people would ask…
Is it better to be feared or to be loved?
Honami loved Shibao.
Her beloved dog was a birthday and graduation gift she earned for doing so well in her studies, becoming the class valedictorian of her batch. After the graduation ceremony in the auditorium, her parents had actually surprised her by taking the scenic route back home, happening upon a pet adoption center, with animals aplenty.
"Mom…Dad…? Why are we stopping here?" Even with her light naturally anxious voice, when little Honami saw the name of the store, her heart was dancing and spinning in place. Her hands moved closer to her chest, gripping at the fabric of her dark uniform.
"What else, Honami?" Her mother's sweet voice giggled, releasing the seatbelt. "We're here for your gift!"
"A…A gift?" Honami couldn't help but ask. No, she couldn't believe it. She dreamed of getting pets one day, wanting to be one of her classmates who would tell a lot of stories about having fun with their pet dog or cat…or sometimes even a bird! "In…a pet store?"
"Oh, we just figured to reward you for your hard work, you know?" Her father spoke next, carrying a gentle voice that she could only hope to replicate someday. She heard…from some people that her voice peaked sometimes or that she was too quiet that her professors would have a hard time understanding her shouting her answer. "You're the first in our family to be awarded class salutatorian—"
"Dear, it's valedictorian."
"Ah…haha. Yes, yes. It's still a very good accomplishment for you!" The car's doors were then unlocked, but Honami couldn't still bring herself to unlatch her seatbelt. "Now, come on, you two. Let's go see what they have."
Her brother then sighed, releasing himself and his sister.
"E-Eh?! Kakashi…wait! I'm…still in my uniform." Honami hugged the leather protector close to her and looked down. "Mom…Dad…is this really alright…? D-Do I really deserve this? Really? I-I…It's not even my birthday yet and—"
"It will be in a few months." Her father laughed to himself. "Come on now! You two will get stuffy-nosed if you stay in the car any longer!"
"I…uuuu…nn…" She closed her eyes and she began to tear up a little. This was the seventh time she did today already. Twentieth time, this week— from the days leading to the day of the ceremony itself, as counted by Kakashi.
"Honami…dear…"
Honami didn't even realize when the doors to the backseat was open until she felt the tight squeeze of her mother's hand over hers, gently tearing it away from clutching the belt. When she looked up to see her mother's face, though blurry from her tears, she could make out her brown eyes showing themselves fully for Honami to see, to peer in and find the soul of a kind lunar goddess offering nothing but mercy to her.
"…you really ought to have a little more confidence in yourself! You really do deserve all of this because you worked very hard for it. We were scared at one point…that you might not even try to do anything…but you still persevered!"
Little Honami sank into her mother's embrace and let out the rest of her wails on her shoulder.
"There there~ it'll be alright. Everything will be fine! We promise. Are you now ready to come out and receive your gift?"
Still unsure…she answered with a shaky nod. "Mm…y-yeah…sorry, Mom…Dad. I'll be fine now…!!"
"…Finallyyy!!" Her brother clicked his tongue, which earned him a little finger swipe from his father.
"We already told you it's not good to act that way to your big sister. Now, what do you say to her after saying something wrong?"
"I'm sorry, onee-san."
"What else?"
"Umm…congratulations on being the smartest in the class…? I dunno…"
"H-Hehe…that'll be alright…thank you, Kakashi!"
That love came from one of her few happier memories as a child. She wouldn't absolutely let herself act like a child until she saw the cutest face of dogs and puppies, all excitedly smooshing their faces against the bars to see their potential owner. All already trying to make out their scents, getting accustomed to it – little thoughts in their heads about how much they want to show all their slobbery love to the Mochizukis.
"Bow! Bow-wow! Bow bow!"
The orange, bread loaf, pie-reminiscent puppy barked in-tandem with Honami, certainly bringing more noise inside the adoption center.
She liked this dog!
The others were fine too…but this one, it looked very cute and energetic. She didn't think it would grow too big for her that she would have to start fearing for her life if it decided it was hungry for some bad owners. It barked…a normal amount! It wasn't too energetic, not too lazy.
It was a silly thought…but maybe love at first sight existed…with dogs!
"Mom! Dad! Can we keep him? I wanna umm…! Name him Bao-Bao!"
"Oh, that?" Her father turned to the assistant. "What breed is that puppy, miss?"
"That's a Shiba Inu, mister! He's not that old yet so it's very natural he's excited to meet new people. Would you four like him?"
Her father smiled, his body drooping like a melted ice cream when he saw a face he could never dream of saying no to. "Yes. We'd like to take the Shiba Inu for our dearest little graduate!"
Ah, she nearly forgot she originally called him Bao-Bao. Her parents had warned her that her new dog was now also her responsibility; their words sounding like, "this is training for when you become a mother someday, Honami"— she didn't exactly remember. Those common warnings swirled in her mind for the longest while and she would compulsively research all she could about dogs and Shiba Inus.
When she learned their furs tend to mat because of having more coats of fur than most breeds, Honami would brush Shibao for a long time. A whine and howl later, she would instantly drop the brush and apologize profusely. She also learned that ticks and other bugs would be a problem...and bathed the puppy every day after she herself took a bath. Most of these baths didn't last that long because Shibao would nip at her fingers and bark. She would leave the water running as she tended to her small cuts (she also found out that rabies were going to be a problem and looking back, her drooling a lot and dry heaving were nocebo effects really from genuinely believing that she had a carrion canid flesh wound)— and Shibao would run around the house, dripping wet and ruining the newly waxed floors and freshened rooms with the dank stench of a recently rinsed puppy who had, a good twenty minutes ago, just gotten through potty training.
She remembered her mother angrily ordering her to clean everything up. She had to even be careful not to let her tears drip unto the floor, by rubbing wax coated plastic bags and a cloth that was damp with tap water and Shibao's fur drippings over her red eyes and nose.
(This most unsanitary blunder she also associated with the rabies messing with her thoughts.)
All that being said, she still loved Shibao. She and her little brother played a lot with him, even when he was still as tiny as ever. Even when a few vases or framed family pictures were shattered from an indoor session of playing fetch, it was in those moments where Honami felt like she was allowed a little social leisure without being judged.
Animals don't lie after all.
She didn't know how it all happened but somehow Saki knew she had a puppy. Well, thinking on it more, it came from an innocent conversation as they were at the bus stop, waiting for Tsukasa and his parents to go pick them up after playing around in the usual park's jungle gym.
"Hey, guys!" Saki was grinning to herself, squeezing the straps of her backpack. "I was kinda wondering myself but like— have you thought of like how we'll all be when we're parents?"
"No…?" Shiho shrugged at the question, looking at Saki with a glare but still kind of confused herself. "That's…just weird to think about. No."
"N-Not really that it's weird, I think!" Ichika piped in. "I don't really see myself as a parent yet because umm…my mom said that…umm…uhh…Dad…and…I dunno…like we all have Moms and Dads, right? And like—"
"Yeah yeah! We need boyfriends!"
Ichika and Shiho couldn't quite bring themselves to look at Saki after that.
"B-But…But…hmm…" She noticed the change of mood, shaking her head, and pleaded with a sheepish twirl of her growing hair. "…Mmmmaybe girlfriends are fine too? Cuz if I'm gonna be a mom, I want it to be with you guys!! Like, what if we're gonna be the first parents without having like boyfriends?"
"Saki! Don't mention that word again…" Shiho's shoes crunched at the grass beneath with a light-sounding stomp, but they all knew she put all her strength to that petulant act. "…please."
"And also…how's that gonna work…? Don't people get married and stuff? And how are our babies gonna call us if we're not gonna be…Dads?"
"Why not all four of us, thouuughhhhhh?? We can just all be called Mom— or ooh! Icchan can be called Mom, I can be Mama, and Shiho-chan can be Mommy—"
"It doesn't work that way!!"
"It does!! We'll make it work, Shihoppy!"
"And I told you don't call me that! Ugh! When's your brother coming?!"
"…Oh, let's ask Hona-chan what she thinks!"
Honami squeaked when she heard a semblance of her name being called out. "Wa-Wha…?"
"World! Ehe~"
"I-Icchan not now…!" Saki tried her absolute best to stifle a growing laugh with a hand on her mouth. "Buuuut anyways— Hona-chan! What do you think about what we just said?"
If she were being honest to herself, she just nodded along to what everyone was saying and hoped the conversation would never come to her. And at one point, she hoped so hard…her consciousness fleeted to lucid thoughts of counting Sheepbaos. "Umm…s-sorry, Saki-chan…what was it again…?"
"It was about us being moms!"
One Shibao…Two Shibao…Three Shibao…
"And us marrying each other and being moms with no boyfriends or husbands!"
Nope. Counting dogs and sheep did not work. Not when Saki's face was getting closer to hers. "Oh…! Th-That's…"
Honami tried to look around her— to anything that didn't involve Saki's face— and saw Shiho's grumpy grouchy frown and Ichika's pleading expectant eyes. Then, she looked back at Saki, a bit of drool now dripping at the side of her mouth, and once again the anxious girl retreating further into the bench got reminded of the dog videos she binged for research purposes.
Surely, Saki must want her to agree right?
But Shiho would think so poorly of her if she agreed…
How about Ichika? What did she want to hear?
Oh…why did Mom and Dad have to tell them about my ranking…
"C'moooooon Hona-chan…" Saki then pouted, her hands lightly gripping on her shoulders. "…You think it's a fun idea, right?"
"You're bothering her too much for something dumb, Saki!" Her glomping friend was slowly being pried away from her and Honami couldn't be any gladder…
…except she wasn't, because now Saki was crying. And crying was proven to be more contagious than laughter.
At that moment, Honami settled on a decision.
"W-Well…! I don't think…it's really a bad idea. It doesn't mean that…because it hasn't happened at all, it shouldn't happen…"
Honami's tongue felt like it could curl up and die at the sight of Shiho's heavy disbelieving gaze. The mere imagining of lava hot thoughts behind her eyes filled lime green with virulent toxin was making her chest ache enough to almost cough up all her bad traits and ask penance for everything. "Come on, Honami…even you know that's really strange."
"I…I know I know…!" She held up her arms close to her face. "But I think she means something differently!"
"…What do you mean?"
"Ah…" Honami loosened her nerves and slowly lowered her arms, falling with a featherweight dance to her laps, yet still not meeting Shiho's sharp gaze. "…I-I'll explain…maybe…it's not really that she wants to…umm be moms with us…but just…" she gestured wildly in a circle, "us us! Like…being together when we're older? Aah…I'm sorry I don't really know how to explain it!"
The sigh coming from the ashen haired girl made her flinch. "You know, Saki, you could've just told us that."
"W-Well yeah…but…I was really curious also! Because…doesn't Hona-chan have a baby?"
…
…
"…eh…?" Honami felt the sudden compulsion to feel around her stomach at that. "S-Saki-chan? W…What do you mean…?"
"A baby?" Now Ichika was staring at her, tilting her head in confusion.
"How…why…what?!"
Saki clasped her hands behind her back. The cheeky playful smile on her face returned once more. "I heard my parents talk about it! They sounded REALLY surprised about it too! They said something liiike…
Honami has what?!
Oh, that is wonderful and cute!! You guys must be so proud of her!
And yeah! Don't parents become super happy when that happens? I know mine were!"
The other two looked as puzzled as ever, if not even more so than before Saki opened her mouth. Once again, it fell on Honami to explain things once more. At least…this one was less stressful as it went back to a recent favorite of hers: dogs! "I think I get it…you must be talking about Shibao, right?"
"Ooooh, is that her name?"
"Actually…a he. He's a little puppy we recently got."
"YOU GAVE BIRTH TO A DOG?!" How Saki's eyes seemed to sparkle at such a gruesome horrifying thought, Honami didn't know. "That's so amazing! You're like...a super proud parent, right?!"
...
Saying yes or no were both equally horrible for Honami. She was...at a loss on what to say, staring at Saki with tears forming once again in her eyes.
If only there was someone out there that could save her from the trouble of explaining this all—
"SAKIIIIIIIIII!!!!"
Everyone flinched at the war cry of a familiar-sounding young boy, now running over towards where they were, but inwardly Honami let out a shaky yet relieved sigh.
The boy, Tsukasa Tenma, took a moment to catch his breath, panting like a dog, hunched over and wiping the sweat that formed at the ends of his golden hair. Then, firmly placing his wrists against his hips and spreading his legs apart to make the human formation of a star, he let out his greatest smile. "Our parents are already here!"
"Finally!" Shiho looked about ready to give her savior a hug, only stopping short of a stiff arm before huffing and grumpily storming away from her friends.
A little, really.
The sight was very reminiscent of Kakashi. Honami wouldn't admit that out loud though. For now, she would happily take riding in the Tenma's family SUV while Saki's questions were answered by the rest of her family.
Despite Saki being all up in her face again, and with no room or fresh air to breathe other than the car's air conditioner.
"Oh! So, you mean Hona-chan was gifted a dog?"
"Yes!"
"That's so cute though…! Do you have pics?"
"I want to see too! Mom, Dad, can we stop by Hona-chan's to see Shibao?"
"Now now, remember that we were having a dinner together with everyone, Saki. Maybe next time?"
"Aww…fine."
Honami nearly forgot that the Tenmas were kind enough to have them all invited for dinner as some sort of post-graduation party, what with constant flashes of a Shiba Inu running and playing and frolicking about keeping her mind from focusing on important matters.
It…really reflected poorly on her responsibility, didn't it? She even forgot who she told to take care of Shibao while she was gone, if she even told anyone in her family.
The brunette spent the party and the rest of the day anxious and worried until everyone else's parents came by to pick them up. She was never good at handling stress after all.
Honami liked Shibao.
He was starting to pick up months in his lifespan, growing up to be one of the familiar Shiba Inus Honami saw. His little yaps became loud barks, making her heart and body jump at his sudden Boof's and Arf's. Honami checked a little calendar she had, flipping through the months back to when she first got Shibao, realizing that he was nearing his first year with her and her family.
One date in particular left a bitter taste in her mouth – the day Saki came down with a concerning illness; the day she promised Saki that she would being Shibao so the rest of her friends could see. At the sound of ambulances and rushing cars, the dog started to bark at the corners of the little dog crate he was in. He practically pranced within the enclosure and it rocked about.
The last thing she remembered; a crazed desperation carrying her legs away from the sounds of ambulances and cars.
Honami didn't go out for the weekend after that, promising herself she would never bring him out to play either.
Though, it wasn't all that bad! Shibao was still happy playing around in their cozy home. Disregarding the scratch marks on the door to the bathroom, orange and white fur appearing more frequently in more inconspicuous places, and the erratic sounds of action and scratching of the floor at night, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Kakashi even got to play a bit with him, albeit for an afternoon in those twelve months Shibao was with them.
Maybe, Honami could overlook the times he tried to nipping at her socks whenever she wanted to get dressed for school…or not letting her go without being licked at the face (she thought it was just for the remnants of apple pie that peppered her mouth— wait, wasn't that dangerous for dogs?!)…or taking a bite off of her homework— which she would endlessly tell herself that she deserved the lower grade for not taking better care of her papers and instead leaving them laying around on her desk…
She could…never really hate him.
She like— loved Shibao with all her heart. She couldn't imagine her feelings ever growing less for someone so…innocent and a constant source of happiness.
…
Just the other day, Honami came home from school. Her walk going home was ten minutes longer than usual. She came up to her front door and slowly raised a hand to knock on it. They were soft knocks, dispassionate tired ones. She released a sigh and called out weakly. "I'm home…"
The brunette thought it useless that she knocked since she had the keys.
No one was home to come greet her. The halls were empty and quiet with no lights turned on. A few seconds later, she heard a bark and out came Shibao, who barreled down towards her with a wagging tail and lolling tongue. The sight made her smile. "Good afternoon, Shibao! Is…no one home?"
All she got for an answer was a little hop and a spin. None of which she understood, no matter how many times Shibao did it whenever she came home. Still, she found it a little cute.
Honami sat down on a little couch by the living room, setting her backpack down to…stare out beyond the glass door. It was one of the few times today she looked up today.
"Just whose side are you on, Honami?"
"You just agree on everything we say, don't we?"
"You're just a two-faced person who wants to be on everybody's good side!"
She then shakily held up her arm and rubbed at her cheeks, realizing they had gotten a little wet from moisture. "Is…it really so bad…?"
Shibao placed his paws on her lap, looking up at her. Honami slowly lowered her gaze to look at him with a frown. He looked like he was begging for his daily TLC…or tender love and care.
She continued to look at Shibao, deep…deep in thought, deep…deep in a swallowing emptiness that she couldn't understand.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Honami placed a hand atop Shibao's hand, furtively drawing circles on the fur with the tips of her fingers, sniffling back tears and coughs. To her dog, who smiled at what she assumed, hoped, was soothing; she forced out a smile of her own, parting her frown to raise her cheeks despite the heavy weight in her heart.
"Is…it wrong…to be nice to people…?"
He panted in response, pushing his head further up her lap.
"Oh…you want to sleep there…I'm sorry…but you're getting bigger. Too big for me, even, haha…"
The Shiba Inu whined softly, but seemed content just resting his head.
"I'm really sorry," she whispered, yet her voice cracked even in its lightness, "but…I hope it's comfortable like this."
Her thoughts wandered once more to her old friends, who one day were chatting about Shibao at the table and how she had to come up with words to best describe him – to Saki's starstruck face, to Shiho's oddly interested face, to Ichika's curious face – then the next day, so suddenly, were glum about the fact that Saki couldn't be there with them on their first day in middle school. She didn't know what to say, what to feel, how to cope, what to do.
Inside, she hoped that no conversation would ever fall to discussing about Saki.
Now that she thought about it, couldn't that be why Shiho left?
"Here, Shibao," she sniffled one last time and carried him up to her lap, "just for a few min— ah…!"
It might have been a thought at the last second; she shouldn't have brought Shibao so close to her face. Now, she and her uniform were being slobbered with dog saliva, more specifically, at the parts of her face where tears streamed down.
"N-No! Shibao…they're too salty!"
Yet, he clung close to her, almost…
…almost…
…like Saki.
When she thought that, a dam of emotions broke out and more tears flowed out her eyes.
She missed them.
She missed what they had.
But…maybe it will never come back.
"…A-At least…y-you're here…r-right, Shibao…?"
Her question was only met with more licks at her cheek, as if he was telling her to stop crying.
"Hehe…I-I love you too…"
She hugged him close to her. His wagging tail brushed apace against her hand, and it felt ticklish. Even now, he was also cheering up with every part of his body.
Honami…disliked Shibao.
Thoughts from before grew louder as she looked at the fiasco made in the living room. Pillows and covers were thrown all over the place. The dog food and water spilled outside their respective bowls, making a mess over newly waxed floors. The sixth claw mark on her door, and the third mark on Kakashi's door, had just appeared. And…many more that she couldn't begin to describe.
Now, she was stuck spending the rest of her school day cleaning up whatever she could. Some things couldn't simply be fixed or covered up on her own…like the dirt from outside smeared all over the front door hallway and the shattered pots and vases and some cracked hanged pictures laying helplessly on different parts.
Not to mention…her stuffed dog toy being mercilessly defluffed.
All this, and she had to prepare food for herself and her little brother as well. She had a large project and finals coming up!
Hoanmi repeatedly told herself to relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. She just had to work fast. She could cut a few parts of her free time to do everything. Ahh…but she had to call her parents to tell them about some of the stuff that were broken. They were surely busy…there had to be a way to resolve all this somehow without telling them, right?
"Woof!"
A sudden bark from Shibao announced his presence, and there the Shiba Inu trotted without a single care about what he'd done to the house. No one would expect such energy to come from a dog…aside from Honami and her family. Especially Honami, who had researched all she could to better care for a notoriously rowdy dog. She brushed up some stray sharp shards scattered on the floor and elected to ignore him. She really…couldn't waste any more tine right now.
"Bark!"
"Sorry, Shibao. I can't play with you right now." She didn't like how she sounded. Strict. Cold. Unloving. Unfriendly. Lonesome. Much…much like how people said how Shiho sounded. Where's your breathy tone? Where's that kind lilt of your voice? Are you even your father's child?
"Aroooo…hhh…hhh…"
Honami looked away. Even then, she could practically see him rolling over and showing his belly, begging for his owner to come play with him or give him her patented pats. "No, Shibao. I have to clean your mess."
Oh, now you're blaming him?
You can't hope to get good friends like this.
What are you even doing, Honami?
Stop being such a goody two-shoes.
For a while, Shibao was silent. Honami let out a breath of relief and continued her work. In that silence, she hummed herself a tune. Her voice simply just vibrating her throat was breaking, nervous and anxious about some crowd of eyes unseen. Consciously, she had no idea what she even was humming.
(Some years later…she would later realize she would be humming the melody of a song their band composed.)
As she started moving away to clean another area of the house, she felt a force pull her backwards then she tripped, hitting the floor chin first. "Hoof…! Oww…"
With teary eyes, she looked behind her and found that Shibao had nipped at the back strap of her sandals by her heels.
"Sh-Shibao…! What are you doing?! Pl-Please get off!"
His response were a mixture of sounds: a growl, a whine, some snarling, and an unenthused bark past clenched teeth.
"B-Bad dog! Nghh…!" She tried pulling her leg out, trying to be careful not to ruin her sandals.
Shibao made it clear that he had no intention of letting go. So, he continued to nip and pull at the strap as if it was his newest chew toy.
"SH-SHIBAO! YOU'RE BEING A VERY BAD DOG NOW!!"
Honami raised her hand to slap away at Shibao, the tip of her fingers flicking at his nose. It seemed to have worked, as he now backed off with a defeated whine.
Her body now trembled with the surge of emotions running through her; her fists clenched at themselves by the side of her cardigan, face flushed red as she pouted at the dog, who was covering his nose with his paws. "I told you I was busy!! And— And you keep destroying the house and bothering me!!"
She stomped her foot on the floor, making Shibao flinch.
"No more playtime! I'm locking you in the that room until I'm done with everything!"
Honami then stormed off to get his leash, her posture stiff and footsteps heavy. A small…small part of her wanted to apologize, speak a soft 'Sorry…' to him for her outburst, and in restraining that hellish pit of emotions locked down behind dark steel gates, only a profuse amount of tears came out of her eyes.
"Come on Sh-Shibao…get up. Don't make me pull you."
He gruffed once, and the growl shook Honami's heart heavily.
"Please, Shibao. For once, j-just listen to me!!"
Shibao voiced out his complaints with a bark and a howl, as if she had wronged him first.
Honami never experienced this kind of petulance before. It was…a new scenario, with it, came new sets of feelings she had never dared emote to other people. And because, she thought, what stood before her was just a dog that couldn't understand her, the decision was simple – she had to pull him.
"Grrrraff! Ruff! Ruff! Grrr!" He struggled against the pulling of the leash, baring his fangs and chomping down on the cotton rope and pulling at it.
"Stop fighting…! You're being so difficult right now!" She was sure a vein popped on her forehead as the dog was being pulled closer and closer to the dark hallway.
"Rrr! Arf! Arf! Arf! Raff!!" His growls became more high-pitched and desperate. Barks grew in volume. Honami was sure he was crying now.
She had just…made her best friend cry.
…
"I-I don't care…! You're coming with me to the storeroom whether you like it or not!"
Long ago, the storeroom was also her place of nightmares. It's lighting was only provided by a small light bulb at the ceiling, and even then, the shelves of items she and her family no longer used that were packed up in their box coffins casted shadows in tiny spaces and nooks and corners where spiders and lizards and other tiny scary creatures thrived. Lately as well, she had found herself hiding in this dark room with the lights off after school.
Her preferred hiding spot was somewhere near the drums she used to play with…
…
And now…she would leash Shibao at that spot.
"Bark! Bark bark arf arf rafrararrf!!"
Honami only stared down at him.
To Shibao, what he saw was just…the silhouette of a demon staring at him with colorless, shine-less eyes.
Both images and warm memories they shared together…now snuffed out in that lonely storeroom when Honami flicked the light switch down, were left to collect dust.
Honami hated herself.
Each day was more miserable than the last. Workload increased exponentially; for the first few months of her last year in middle school, she was given at least two assignments every day, and a quiz every week. She knew things were only going to get worse from here on out, and yet she continued to struggle. For her parents' wishes. When her new friends even tried to invite her out to…go do something— she forgot— she would excuse herself, saying that she had plenty of stuff to do.
"Of course you do, Honami." The bitterness and seething anger in those words were as palpable as the hot summer sun's haze glaring down at her. The mirage morphed their faces into ones of disgust and malevolence; and Honami averted her eyes from their steely gazes.
"She has other friends to go play with anyway. Let's go guys." One of them scoffed, and soon their baneful tone and looks changed to excited talks about a new shop opening up just down the corner.
Honami gave them a meek wave goodbye to send them off and went about her own way, with her head held down.
More of the days in the school year passed by and the fated day of them getting their quarterly report card arrived before anyone knew it. All the students' parents would drop by the classrooms to collect them. Honami's father would collect the one for Kakashi while her mother would collect the one for Honami. From outside the class window, she could already see the adults lining up outside the classrooms. Some knew each other and were busily chatting among themselves.
She could even see Shiho and Ichika's parents lined up and talking to each other, blissfully unaware of what had transpired between their children.
Anxiety piloted her thoughts elsewhere, not to the lesson at hand nor at the people outside.
She hadn't been the best student.
The worst part was that she didn't know exactly why.
She just had to work harder, is all.
The dismissal bell rang, signaling for the students to file out of the classroom in an orderly manner. In the hallways, they chatted among each other. A small part of her class strolled on by the same way she did – with their heads held down; for certain, their performance was a sure cause of concern, now that their parents would be seeing the fruits of their labors with their own eyes.
Honami made a beeline for her mother and gave her the courteous hug of greeting. She still smelled faintly of fragrant perfume and strong hair care products from the salon she worked in. "Hello, Mom."
"Hello, Honami dear." She gave a light kiss on the cheek after releasing the hug. The sweetness in her mother's voice choked her ever so lightly. "How was school today?"
She gingerly tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, and smiled at the ground. "…Th-The report cards— I mean— the teachers will…give the report cards in five minutes…"
"Alright, then. Will you wait for me here as I go get your report card? I'll drive you home."
Honami nodded meekly.
"We can stop by your favorite apple pie place later~"
"A-Ah…" Honami looked up, the slightest bit of color returning to her frowning face at the thought of indulging in such sweet treats…but… "No…no it's fine. I…I still have some from yesterday…!"
"Oh, but don't they taste better when fresh and hot?" The older woman mirrored Honami's frown. "Are you sure you don't want some?"
"It's really fine, Mom…" Honami looked towards her classroom nervously, noticing that unfamiliar people were starting to enter her classroom. "Oh, it must be time already! I-I think you should go inside."
"Right! Geez…I lost track of time. Wait here for me, ok?"
The two exchanged smiles one last time. Honami then sat at her mother's old spot, watching as she made her way inside the classroom. Unconsciously, Honami curled her fingers around each other and bit her lip. In her nervousness, she tried to look around. However, everywhere she looked…had a person with eyes. They would always either catch her staring or walk out of view before she could formulate a thought or run through her memories about their familiarity with her.
One of her classmates was not as obedient as she was. As soon as her friends were out and about, she stopped waiting for her parents and walked around the grounds with them. Some were busy playing around on their phones. Others ran about and continued their outdoor games after the slight interruption with their mothers and fathers.
Then, Ichika and Shiho…
They didn't stay long. Shiho left as soon as her parents were done acquiring the cards while Ichika, Honami was sure, caught her lonely stare. The latter was about to call out to her until her own parents came out and hurried her someplace else.
Oh…how awful of her. She couldn't even speak up to her old friends.
It was nothing new, she thought. She had long since accepted that she was a horrible friend, sentiments fueled by prospects of those two probably wanting to break off their friendship once and for all. You know…to spare everyone the trouble. All she did was take…and take…and take…and take. Never giving. People soon realized this about her among other things she was unaware of.
Someone as meek and quiet as she was was doomed to have no friends. Friends, that are good people like Ichika and Shiho.
Honami remained seated by the school gazebo, once more humming a tune of nervousness and comfort. Her feet kicked the air and her eyes looked up at the birds flying about, giving off a makeshift illusion of being a busybody. And much like a visit to the clinic, the report card givings were already done. The adults began to file out of her classroom, the brown dossier in hand for some of them, a sharp thick sheet of paper being perused for the other. The brown-haired woman made a beeline for Honami with a smile, however, the latter was not calm at all.
The brown envelope had still not been opened.
"Alright, go get your stuff, Honami. We're going home now."
Honami couldn't decipher a variation in her mother's voice that sounded like disappointment or shock, and she didn't know if that made things better or worse, really.
Soon enough, the two were on their merry way home, the brown envelope stared right at her. The silence in the car was deafening; even when the car's air conditioner was running and doing its work, Honami somehow found herself sweating. She opened her report card almost suddenly with an energy of a child tearing a candy bar open.
"E…Eh…?"
B.
B.
A.
A.
B.
A.
Honami was horrified at what she had seen.
"Hehe, it seems you were excited to check your grades!" Her mother's shrill voice echoed in the car, as muted as sounds underwater on her right ear, but with a clarity of crisp ripe wind on her left ear. "Soooo…how did you do, sweetie?"
"Fine…! F-Fine, Mom." Honami hurriedly shoved the paper back in the dossier. "I-It was just…a little hard to read."
"All exemplary?"
Was that how it was worded? Aahh…what if it's a trick question? "Y-Yes…! I-I…did my best, Mom…"
"Very good! That's the Honami we know! I'm glad you could balance your hobbies and friend time with your studies. It makes me and your father more proud if you than you could ever imagine."
Sweet. Bitter.
Her chest ached with each word pronounced, dripping with a sweet viscous syrup. To her, it all sounded and seemed like venom or acerbic fluid out to melt her defenses down to its helpless core. The edges of the envelope dug through her palm with how much she squeezed the poor thing. "Thank you…Mom…"
When she said those words, she spat out what bit of pride in herself she had left.
In the end, her parents trusted her word for her grades. The family dinner went by as smooth as it could have been, really. Kakashi had the rare smile on his face when their parents congratulated him for having grades like his sister's.
She also remembered the food tasting like nothing, not that she would even dare saying that out loud to them.
Honami checked the time – it was currently four hours before midnight. Beside her digital clock laid that accursed report card.
…
She eyed her tray of pens and markers and grabbed one of her colored markers. On the back of the report card, she slowly scribbled the words, I'M SORRY. As soon as she was done, she carelessly set down her marker and shut off her desk lamp.
Next, she moved to her parents' bedroom. They were probably asleep, and she considered knocking on the door, raising a closed fist to knock on the door before deciding against it. She let the brown envelope fall on the floor on their doorstep, her own scribbled words staring right back at her with a cerulean glare. She slowly slid it under the door with her foot, making sure not to suddenly make a sound.
"…Onee-san?" Kakashi mumbled out as he exited his bedroom door at the far end of the hallway. Out from the door also exited Shibao. "What were you doing? Shibao's in my room and he started licking my foot."
"Oh…come here Shibao." She clicked her tongue to call for him and give him a little pat and a smile. She then addressed her little brother. "Sorry…I guess he must have run off after eating…?"
"Well, keep an eye on him! He seriously scared me."
Just as he was about to slam the door shut, Honami raised her voice. "Wait, Kakashi…!"
He stopped the door with his elbow and turned to look at her.
"Umm…so speaking of Shibao, could you…look after him while I'm gone?"
"What? No."
"Please?"
"No. Where are you even going anyway?"
Honami twirled her hair with her finger, eyeing the door to her parents' bedroom. "…I'm going to sleep over at a friend's house." She hurried to say her next words. "I-It'll only be for a day…! I'll be back home soon."
"Do they know?" He gestured his head to the door beside Honami.
"Yeah…I just told them."
For those few seconds in quietude, his brother seemed to have been seriously considering her request. From the darkness of his room, he groaned and sighed. She could practically see him rolling his eyes. "Alright, fine. Just don't let Shibao bother me for the night."
"…R…Really?"
"Yeah, that's what I said, right?" His incredulous tone seemed to have finally woke him up.
"A-Alright, I'll not…" she gulped down her sigh and gave a smile to Kakashi, "…bother you anymore, Kakashi. Good night."
He didn't answer her back and simply closed the door.
"I…love you."
…
Before the tears could fall once more, she ushered Shibao on over to the living room. She sat down on that same small couch she broke down on not too long ago while he sat himself down on the carpet. Fortunately, he didn't think of messing up the place in front of her face.
"Shibao, could you promise me something…?"
He shimmied on closer, woofing softly unto her lap.
"Could you be a good boy to Kakashi and Mom and Dad?"
She took his wagging tail as a sign of affirmation.
"So that means, no more destroying the house and barking loudly, ok?" Her voice and eyes trailed off. "…I won't be here to clean up after you anymore."
"Woof?" His eyes looked up towards hers.
"I just…don't know for how long I'll be gone. This might be the l-last thing I'll say to you…" Honami's voice cracked. "Here, I'll feed you one last time…ok? Even though…you already ate. It'll be y-your favorite treats…!"
Even when she stood to get the jar of dog food pellets from the cupboard and poured more than the normal amount on his plate, Shibao only sat down by her foot, looking at her more than the plate of food.
"It's ok…you've been a good boy to me, so you can eat up." She gave him one last rub on the head then stood up to grab her coat. "I'll be going now. Goodbye…Shibao."
She slowly closed the door, her hand staying on the handle.
"Goodbye…everyone…and I'm sorry."
…
The brunette's feet carried her through the stone path out of her block. It was still relatively early in the night, so there were still some cars on the streets making traffic. The building and city lights still flashed with life from afar, twinkling much like the stars in the sky.
She looked up to see those stars once more, little white dots strewn across the expanse of dark blue, the moon shining its light on the few clouds that floated by its waxing path. The cool land breeze of night time was refreshing and just this once, she enjoyed walking around at this time of hour in her sleepwear. She mustered the energy to make one smile at the serenity of the eight-o-clock evening, relishing in its grand beauty and chilling tranquil.
If she could spend her last moments like this…was it…really so bad?
She stopped on her tracks and broke off the sidewalk, moving deeper into the less urban area and into the forest of trees past the park. As she moved further into the broken off path or dirt trails and scattered fallen leaves crunching beneath her dog slippers, so did her view of the beautiful starry night sky. Her mind wandered once more, brief moments of her, truthfully speaking, depressing life flashed before her eyes.
A streak of light slashed across the night sky, leaving behind a trail of stardust and twinkling sparkles. A year later, she learned that what she had thought of a comet trail wasn't too far off, but it wasn't the most exact either.
The four of them chattered about their first performance as a band, making promises to each other first play as a band for the days to come, even if it was just for fun. Then later, it became a heartfelt wish to always stay together as friends. To always do things together. To always have fun together. To always play together. To always cry together. To always smile and be happy together.
Always as friends.
"Haha…but that was just a lie, right?"
Honami said so to herself, finally making it out of the stretch of dense forests. From the looks of it, she managed to cut through the city proper and…well…end up in another part of the city, seeing the marble path just ahead. And before her eyes, the end of her road lay just ahead.
"I promise—" She looked up at the sky. "No…I wish, I would never have to make anyone angry…or sad ever again."
She went closer to the outcropping ahead at didn't have a rail.
"I wish…I would finally…be a good friend to everyone."
"No one would have to…worry about me taking sides ever again."
"No one would have to…worry about me being a liar ever again."
When her slippers landed perfectly at the edge, she looked down and noticed that there was quite the fall waiting for her. If she were to jump off, her body would be met with the merciless strike of marble. She imagined the path to the afterlife was a road of pristine marble.
She then took a step back and neatly removed her slippers, leaving them right outside the slightly raised offset of concrete meant to outline a future railing. She moved her feet forward once more, still keeping her empty eyes down at the destination at sight.
Her neck, snapping from the impact of the fall.
It was quick and painless, just how she wanted.
A coward's way out, she thought. But if she disappeared now, so would her abhorrent mark on this world.
This time…I'll do things right, Shiho-chan…Ichika-chan……Saki-chan.
She took a deep breath, and looked up. Once more, a streak of light slashed through the night sky. She burned that image deep into her mind, and shedding tears…
"Bark! Bark bark bark! Barkbark!! Arf!!"
…she leaned forward.
"Grrr…grrgh…rrgrrgrarf!!"
…
…
…
When she opened her eyes next, she realized she had not fallen down at all. The large square plot of marble was still far far out of reach.
"Grrggh! Grrrrrr!!"
In fact, it felt like…she was being held back by her coat.
By…
…a dog?
"Rrrrgh! Grrgghh! Grrrr grrr!"
"Shibao? What are you doing?" She only moved her head slightly, her voice weak with the weight of her feelings and tears.
He continued to pull at her with a desperation she didn't understand. At this rate, he would become too tired and…and…!
"Shibao!" She raised her voice, the angriest she had ever gotten. "Let go of me! We'll both…fall! Y…You'll— no!!"
"Rrrrghhrrgrhrgrrr!!"
"Stop! Stop this! R-Right now! I want to disappear, you st-stupid…d-dog!! Just…let me do it!! PLEASE!!!"
Her resting place moved further and further away.
"N-No…! NO! NO!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE…!!" She screamed out, but she couldn't urge herself to go forward. Not when…when…someone so innocent and pure stuck so stubbornly to her side at the very end. "I can't…I CAN'T…!! Unngghhhh…!"
In her moment of weakness, she had been successfully pulled back, her underside hitting safer ground. Shibao had just trotted in front of her, whining and crying out in barks. She could hear it; If you ever think of doing that again, I'll stop you!
"Why…?" was all Honami was able to urge out through her ugly sobbing.
All this time of talking to her dog and she kept forgetting that he couldn't talk.
So that meant he didn't understand this feeling she had, right? So… "Why?! I-I was…s-so close…none of you would…would…"
Her Shiba Inu pounced at her, nuzzling deep into her chest, muted pitiful whines coming from him. Sounds she were somehow both familiar to and a stranger to.
He must have followed her here, picking up on her scent. After all, that was what dogs were good for too.
Still…
Why?
How?
She had a million questions to ask the dog nestled in her arms and to any divine force controlling her fate, which would all end up being unanswered if she were being honest.
After some musing to herself, she felt a familiar slick wetness wipe at her cheeks once more. Shibao's head emerged forth from the warm burrow he dug in Honami's chest and started licking at her face once more.
It was…a familiar sensation.
She urged her head back and Shibao growled, vehemently trying to wipe her tears for her. "I-It's alright…I won't— no, stop it! I won't…leave. I'll be…" she sighed, "okay."
He snuggled his head to her hands and once more, she was unsure what to do.
…
"Bao-bao— uhh I mean, Shibao-chan, sit!"
"Yip! Yip yip!"
Honami smiled giddily when he sat down like her. Smooshing his face with her hands, she hoisted him up. "Good boy! Good boy!"
…
…
"Mom, Dad, do dogs always smile like Shibao?"
"I don't know, dear." A chuckle. "But if you ask me,"
"He looks like he's the happiest dog in the world right now when he's with you."
…
"Hey…Shibao?"
He barked in response.
Honami fixed the way she sat. She moved her knees to kneel on the ground, wiping the last of her tears with her sleeve, and mustered a smile. "Could you sit for me?"
And sat he did, panting and wagging his tail at her.
The two looked at each other for a long while. How long had it been since she left the house? Could she even return and pretend that she didn't want to disappear a few minutes ago?
Behind Shibao, Honami still noticed that the stars were still twinkling – the sky, calm and quiet, like offering candles to the moon that was slowly trying to set down through the night.
She moved closer to him and smooshed his face once more between her hands. Soon, she slowly started to laugh from the funny faces he made, slowly forgetting those troublesome thoughts as well…or at least pushing them back together with Shibao.
"Thank you, Shibao. You're…really such a good boy. I'm…I'm glad…!"
"Bark!"
And once more…
Honami loved Shibao.