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Cersei Lannister Saves The World

Summary:

There are literally zillions of time-travel fixits of the hero or canon fodder good guy going back in time to save the world, but what happens when the Old Gods bless a malignant narcissist?

Purple Days saw Joffrey "Incest Bastard" Lannister become the king and hero his father always hoped and dreamed of. Will Cersei become the Queen that Westeros needs and deserves?

Notes:

None of the seasons of the GoT tv show count after the 4th season.
Sticks fingers in ears: la la la la la can"t hear you!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Cersei: When will I wed the prince?

Maggy: Never. You will wed the king.

Cersei: I will be queen, though?

Maggy: Aye. Queen you shall be... until there comes another, younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear.

Cersei: If she tries I will have my brother kill her. Will the king and I have children?

Maggy: Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you. 

~~~

Cersei blinked. Just a moment ago she was sipping wine at her darling Joffrey"s wedding when he suddenly began gasping for air. His lovely face turning purple. 

People were shouting and running about and being useless while she held him in her arms and he died. 

Her brother Tyrion, her Valonqar, had murdered her precious first born son! 

She was standing in the House Spicer"s tent staring into the yellow eyes of Maggy the Frog listening to cheering as it echoed off Casterly Rock like thunder, magic potion dribbling off her lips. 

The old baggage was staring, just as shocked as Cersei herself, frozen at the moment that she licked a drop of blood of the twisted iron knife she used in the telling of her fortunes. 

"Err...what was that!?", blurted out the old hag. "What the devil was that!? Do you have the blood of First Men in you? Only from them do I get such strong visions drinking the weirwood sap!" 

"The Stranger take you, of course I don"t have any blood of the First Men, that backward Northern trash. How dare you suggest such a thing?"

"You seem to be having a strong reaction, what did-?"

"What was that!? What was that!? Let me tell you what that was!? That was the Mother above showing me the bane of my existence! That"s what that was!" 

The old toad struggled to her feet and held her palms up placatingly. "Now milady, calm down. Not all visions can be relied upon, if you"ll just-"

"Shut it, you old hag! The Valonqar shall cast me down? The Valonqar shall cast me down? I think not! The Valonqar shall do nothing of the sort!", And with that Cersei stormed out of the tent. 

"Strewth! She"s gone off her rocker!" 

Jeyne Farman and Melara Hetherspoon stared in shock at Cersei"s rapidly disappearing back. 

"Ladies, if you both keep far away from that girl in particular and House Lannister in general, you"ll live long, happy lives...oh, you, the one with the freckles! Stay away from the godswood and wells." 

The two girls ran out of the tent and later swear Cersei had ditched them and had no idea what happened before she ran out to the Tourney stands where House Lannister was seated next to House Targaryen, watching the Rhaegar Targaryen joust with Tygett Lannister.  

"The Valonqar will not cast me down! It"s me that shall do the casting here and now! I shall cast the Valonqar down before the blight can kill my precious son! I shall do what father should have done when the little demon was born!" Cersei thought to herself with a murderous look on her face. 

There, in the front row of the stands was Tyrion Lannister, being held on Jaime"s lap so that he could see the action on the Tourney ground. 

The toddler was giggling and laughing and waving at the Prince and his Uncle Tyg as the two men took their starting positions while Jaime bounced him up and down. 

With no warning at all Cersei Lannister darted out onto the Tourney ground and lunged at Tyrion grabbing him by the arms yanking him from Jaime"s arms just moments after the Horse Master sent the two knights charging down the tilt. 

If House Lannister had built a solid wooden rail for the tilt, perhaps things would be different. Instead they chose fabric swallow-tail flags with House Targaryen and House Lannister"s sigils strung in a line down wooden posts. 

Jaime seized onto Tyrion"s little legs and tried to drag him away from the enraged Cersei. He tumbled down into the dirt and threw himself at her. 

The armor the charging knights wore inhibited their vision and hearing to the point they could only see a glimpse of the opponent in front of them and hear the muffled roar of the crowd.

Their horses, on the other hand could hear the shrieks of horror and the fighting children that stumbled in their path and the horses could see Tourney goers from House Lannister climbing out of the stands to stop Cersei"s mad assault. 

They were followed by the Kingsguard trying to protect the royal family from the deranged girl and the unnerved horses. 

The horses startled and veered into the flapping cloth of the tilt and became entangled. The two knights tried to regain control of their mounts, nearly impossible since they could not drop their lances, as they were locked in place by arret hook on their breast plate and grapper ring on the lance. 

Tyrion was tossed to the ground as Jaime wrapped his hands around Cersei"s neck and yanked her off of him. 

Wailing in fright he climbed to his feet and darted in front the rearing horses, the flailing hooves just missing the top of his head, as he ran to hide under the risers. 

Lord Tygett Lannister"s horse bucked and bolted toward the stands trampling several knights of his house, his brother, Tywin, and only coming to a stop when the lance skewered King Aerys Targaryen, Second of His Name, Protector of the Realm, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. 

Just as Rhaegar Targaryen, First of His Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, just as the His Highness" mount crushed Jaime Lannister, hands still locked around his sister"s neck, beneath it"s full weight. 

His Highness managed to free himself from the stirrups and was tossed aside for a relatively soft landing onto the Kingsguard. 

And with that Cersei Lannister saved Westeros from annihilation by the Others. 

Not only did the hot-tempered fool kill herself, her Valonqar Jaime, and her father. She got half of House Lannister"s Knights and men-at-arms sent to The Wall along with Tygett Lannister. 

King Rhaegar I Targaryen and the Small Council publicly announced that House Lannister was negligent in the design of its tilt and it"s viewing stands and it was Lady Cersei who caused the fracas that got King Aerys II Targaryen killed. 

Privately, the King and the Small Council decided to shovel out blame with a broad spade simply because they were all sick of House Lannister lording their wealth and power over them. 

The Night"s Watch hasn"t been so well garrisoned and funded in decades! 

There is never any Tourney at Harrenhal. King Rhaegar has no time for childish fancies like Azor Ahai while running the Seven Kingdoms. He soon forgets about the dragon"s three heads. 

There is, however, another Maiden"s Day Cattle Show as King Rhaegar I Targaryen is in need of a queen. To limit the attendance, the Maiden"s Day Ball is restricted to noble maidens between the age of fifteen and twenty-five years. 

Thousands of noble women from Westeros and Essos attend the ball. 

Lyanna Stark is only ten years old and stays home, but several Royce cousins do go. 

Rhaegar barely notices them. The Small Council and his mother encourage him to marry a lady of the next wealthiest House in Westeros since House Lannister is a hard "no" from everyone. 

The top contenders are Princess Elia of House Martell, Ashara or Allaria of House Dayne, the daughters of Lord Leyton Hightower of House Hightower, Mina and Janna of House Tyrell or their cousin Bethany Redwyne. 

Despite the unfortunate contretemps that followed the last crowning of a Hightower maiden Queen of the Seven Kingdoms, King Rhaegar marries Malora Hightower, who is as fertile as all members of the Hightower family are and they have many children, six and ten in fact.

None of whom are named Aegon, Aemond, Helaena or Daeron, Maelor, Jaehaerys or Jaehaera, Daemon, Rhaenyra, Jacaerys, Lucerys, or Joffrey as it would have been in poor taste.

They did not wish to invoke memories of that other Hightower queen.

In turn those children are married throughout the Seven Kingdoms and even in the Free Cities of Essos.

Brandon Stark marries Catelyn Tully after accidentally killing Peter Baelish when he"s challenged for her hand in marriage. 

Their marriage is miserable and contentious and puts an end to most of Rickard Stark"s "Southron Ambitions" as the banners of the North do not like Brandon"s vitriolic, bitter wife who never forgives him for killing "dear Petyr". 

Ned is fostered in the Vale but not with Robert Baratheon. 

Steffon Baratheon and his lady wife, Cassana, never make the ill-fated journey on the Wind Proud. 

Instead, Steffon is named King Rhaegar"s Hand and the family relocates to King"s Landing. 

Instead Ned, Lyanna, and Benjen are married in the North. 

Lyanna finds happiness with the axe-wielding women of Bear Island. 

Ned is betrothed to Lady Barbrey Ryswell and discovers his future goodsister, Bethany Ryswell"s suitor, Roose Bolton, is guilty of many crimes, leading to his execution, saving her from a miserable marriage and early death. 

Lady Barbrey would have preferred to marry Brandon Stark. Unlike Catelyn Tully in another timeline, she jilts Ned to continue chasing Brandon, and Ned marries her sister, Bethany, instead.  

Benjen Stark ventures beyond The Wall as an explorer rather than as a member of the Night"s Watch. 

He brings back Wildlings willing to swear fealty to the Lord of Winterfell and the Iron Throne. 

They report on the strange activities of the Others. 

Rhaegar actually listens and sends reinforcements. 

The wildlings are relocated away from The North. 

The Long Night is avoided because The Wall continues to hold back the Night King. 

And so Cersei Lannister saved the world. 

Although not intentionally. 

 

Notes:

Melara Hetherspoon took Maggy"s advice about avoiding wells, godswoods, and Lannisters to such an extreme she left the Westerlands entirely and ended up marrying a lord in the driest region of Dorne.