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It was something Grant spent more time on than he would like to admit. Thinking about that moment when he might slip, reach out to cup Shaundi’s jaw mid-conversation, and start one of a different kind after leaning in.
Sometimes he tipped her chin up. Took his time moving in as he brushed any loose strands of her hair to the side. Other times she grabbed him and cut that distance down to nothing herself. Her arms looped behind his neck, keeping him close as he held on to her just as tight.
It was easy to imagine. Too easy, really, but even as he let her get that much closer to him, he still told himself no. That he needed to keep a certain distance between himself and anyone working closely with him. It was better for them. Safer, because in this life he had one singular purpose, and a future never went hand in hand with that.
Never get attached. Stay solitary, for your sake and for others. His father had drilled those statements into him the moment Grant had started working with him in earnest. He had been young, but you were never too young to learn. And the reminders came often. They were never meant to be cruel, but honest. Before every job, and after, he would sit down with Grant and make him repeat it until he felt it in every word.
But it never truly registered until a single gunshot took his father away. The lesson was driven home, and it stayed with him. For years at that, and he never felt any cracks in that resolve until he stepped foot into Stilwater.
It was foolish, really. The distance, the isolation. It was something that Grant started to recognize when more of his nights were spent with company than without, because, yes. Connections weren’t wise. Relationships and bonds weren’t wise, or meant to last. Not for people like them.
But as he got to know the people around him he found himself wanting to make an exception. The desire only increased as time wore on, and whenever Johnny would crack a joke, Pierce would hum along to a song on the radio, or Shaundi would yawn and rest her head on his shoulder, he felt another chip at it. The belief and sense that he couldn’t have those things. Shouldn’t.
Because he didn’t have to be alone. Not now, not ever, and isolating himself from those he cared most about wasn’t going to make it any easier to lose them if that connection was severed.
Was it wrong to want that for himself? To make the exception he so badly wanted to? Because he cared. He cared about them, and he lost them, just like he knew he would.
So he stepped back. Re-corrected and redrew the lines after losing Lin, relearned what he had begun to shed after coming overseas. Tried to fix his mistake, even before he learned what was waiting for him on Hughes’ yacht that night..
Then started over. Tried to rebuild and retrace the Saints’ steps, all while trying to numb the sting that came with losing…family. And failed again. Started to care again, and trust again, because with the Saints it was so easy.
And the next thing he knew, not just one person was lost, but two. Carlos, and Aisha, two people that deserved better. So much better.
But when he tried correcting his mistake for a third time, he couldn’t. Couldn’t make the change stick or let it become permanent. Couldn’t shut that switch off like he used to - to become cold. Unfeeling. Just a blank slate to get the job done with.
Because while it was selfish of him to make an exception, for Pierce he wanted to. Let himself do so, and told himself he would double down his efforts if he ever felt himself slip again – a fact that he repeated to himself over and over, all while letting his attention linger on Shaundi longer and longer each time.
He tried to mitigate the risk somehow. Force the distance between them, even as he felt it being slowly whittled away. Because he couldn’t let an association with him be the thing that doomed them. No, never again.
But it happened. Almost in the blink of an eye. Zinyak came. Stole them. All of them. Grant watched Shaundi leap to his defense in one second, while Pierce and Ben were taken in another. Matt and Asha followed third, and soon he found himself taken as well, and dumped into a strange world that paralleled their own. A place he was expected to inhabit and submit to.
Grant hadn’t been sure he would see the others again. He hadn’t been sure of anything. Only walked down the stairs to find Shaundi there as well. In a dress out of an old picture, she greeted him in the kitchen, wearing an earnest smile that lit up her face, like she used to before Steelport. Just like he remembered fondly.
So, he fell into place. Took in how happy she was, and kissed her.
It was a mistake, but in that moment it was bliss.
She let him go, told him to run off – she would see him later that night, she reassured him – but something felt off. It was almost as if his mind knew, and was already working to reject it.
It made the truth easier in a way once Kinzie contacted him. Let him know that this wasn’t what he thought it was. What he hoped it was for that small pocket of time.
And waking up, he had a plan. A purpose. A goal that he needed to fulfill, and the price for that was almost too great to pay.
So he dove back into the systems. Made himself focus on saving the Saints that were left, because this was it. This was all they had, and he wasn’t going to let any more of them slip away. Not when he was able to help, and with every Saint that he returned to the ship, he felt a tug at his heart. With it came relief, because the feeling was still there. That connection.
They weren’t just his people. They were his friends, his family, and he cared. He cared so much more than he ever believed he was capable of doing and it petrified him. Left him without so much as a word as he dragged Pierce out of his hell, and into a kiss. Allowed him to help save Aisha, to look at her one last time before Johnny swept her up so he could do the same.
He had let himself pretend, to settle into the prison chosen for him by Zinyak, because Shaundi’s smile assured him it was okay. Because he cared, cared about her as he pressed his lips to hers, because he wanted to believe it so badly.
To believe that he could finally have that chance to tilt her chin up, to gaze at her fondly, because it was okay for him to want this. To want Pierce, and to want her.
It was what Grant held onto once he freed her from that plane. Got her back, far away from the program that tried to imitate her, and trick her all at once. Pierce pulled him aside, talked to him about things he knew and tried to bottle, and reminded him of the one solid fact that they were all aware of.
This peace wouldn’t last; not in this hiding place that they managed to carve out for themselves so they could plan their next move. It was their final chance at everything, and there wouldn’t be any others after it.
So Grant took that leap. Wanted to. Had to, and did his best to make it clear for once, if not through words, then actions.
He found her alone on the flight deck. Keith had stepped out for a moment, maybe two, but she was standing there staring up at the flickering screens in front of her, detailing the state of the ship and its systems.
She glanced over her shoulder at the sound of the doors, and did a double-take once she noticed who it was. “Hey, boss. Checking up on what Kinzie mentioned?”
He set his jaw and nodded, walking forward to stand next to her. “Somewhat. The problem’s dealt with, but I wanted to see how the other areas were doing.”
“Even after Kinzie’s report? Just to be sure?” Shaundi asked, giving him a soft smile. Grant shrugged, and she shook her head. “Everything’s great, boss. You’d be the first to know if there was a problem.”
“I know. Just-” He fell silent and Shaundi gave him a curious glance. “I was hoping to find you, actually.”
“Really? What’s on your mind?”
Grant pursed his lips, and kept his eyes on the screen in front of them.
“Everything okay with Pierce?” That made his eyebrows fly up, and stay up when he turned towards her. “What? Is it that strange to ask?”
“No.” He shook his head, and the corners of his mouth curved up. “Is it that obvious?”
“For you? Yes,” she said, giving him a look.
Grant watched her expression turn fond, and switched his attention back to the screen.
“It’s almost painfully obvious whenever you look at each other.”
“But not whenever I look at you?” He saw confusion cross her face out of the corner of his eye, but it didn’t take long to fade. And what replaced it made his throat go dry. “…I understand I don’t make it easy at times. Communicating and otherwise.”
Shaundi’s mouth twisted, then shifted into a wry grin while she crossed her arms in front of her. “Easy?”
“It is a poor term for complicated. But even that’s an excuse, and I want to apologize for that.”
“Terry.”
“No, I need to,” he insisted, trying not to falter at the sound of his first name on her tongue. “For failing at that, and for failing to say what I should have years ago.”
“Should’ve? Like what?”
Grant made sure he was looking right at her when the next sentence left his mouth. “How important you are.”
Shaundi was tapping her fingers against her arm, and for a second they stilled. “In general, or to you?”
“Both.”
Her fingers stopped again, but this time her lips moved, curving slowly into a careful smile. “Important, huh? Like Pierce?”
“Yeah. Like Pierce. But if that bothers you…?”
"It doesn’t."
Grant froze. Opened his mouth to try and work out a response, while her smile grew. “No?”
“No. I’m just surprised it took you this long to ask.”
He closed his mouth and wet his lips. “Me too. But I am sorry. For waiting.”
“Don’t.” she said, offering him her hand. “You’re here now, aren’t you?”
When he took it, he didn’t attempt to fill in the blanks. To try to explain or fill the silence with the words buzzing in his head that refused to leave his mouth, because this wasn’t a guess anymore. Not some careful estimate given to him by the simulation or his imagination.
She tugged him forward, and Grant followed, caution written all over him. When they reached her door that careful hesitation was the only thing that kept him from responding when Shaundi spun on him. Stood on her toes and pressed her lips to his as he went rigid.
The kiss wasn’t long, but when she ended it, her teeth tugged at his bottom lip. She sucked on it gently before stepping back, and he bridged the gap before she could turn to reach the console. The second kiss was harder, harsher than he anticipated, but when he ended it – with her against the doors, and him pressed against her - the grip she had on his suit kept him close. Left her standing tall to suck on his lip again until the sharp sting had him groaning into her mouth.
Her tongue took over soon after, running along the seam of his lips until he let her in, and he met her there. Moved his mouth until he had her nails digging into his arms, while he trailed his fingers over her jaw.
“You don’t have to do that anymore,” Shaundi said between breaths, looping an arm around the back of his neck to kiss him deeper.
He lost himself in her, in the way she gasped with every move of his hips, and by the time the statement registered, he was almost panting. “What?”
“Be so damn careful.” She moved his hand to the skin exposed by her suit, and he dipped it inside. Only enough to graze the edges of her breasts, and the frustrated sound she let out left him aching. Raising his hand to cup her cheek, she kissed his palm and sighed. “You’ve always done that, you know.”
“Old habit,” Grant murmured, his calloused fingers so much rougher than the skin they moved over. “Hard to lose even now.”
His thumb ran over her lip, and she drew his head down low to kiss her. “I know, but I trust you.”
Grant pursed his lips, and met her eyes. “Shaundi-”
“I do. You know I do. With so many damn things, I just… It’s okay to trust yourself too.”
He stared at her, felt her hands holding him tightly, and touched his forehead to hers. “With you?”
“Yes. With everything,” she murmured. Her lips touched his so lightly he was almost sure he imagined it. “Even me.”
He couldn’t blink. Couldn’t look anywhere else but at her as he took in a slow, steady breath. But when he saw the start of a smile, he let himself be the one to lean in. To kiss her first this time around. Gentle and slow, as he tipped her chin up to meet him.
And when she stepped away to get the door open behind them, he took her hand again. Felt her lace their fingers together, before squeezing gently, and didn’t hesitate to follow her lead.